Remember that VJB spoof Bethany set ages and ages ago? Well...this has taken me so long to write :) I'm not too sure how this has turned out, though, and I'm a little trepidatious about posting it...I think that it veers into the realm of dangerously nutty by the third part or so...
Title: The Helping Hand of VJB 1/7
Author: quew
Disclaimers: The concept and crew of Star Trek: Voyager belong to Paramount, Jeri Taylor et al. I am doing this for fun, not profit. This stories includes spoofery on real life people - none of it is meant to cause offence. If I do offend someone with something in this story, please, please tell me as that is definitely not my intention.
Extra Disclaimer: I don't own the assorted members of VJB - they own themselves, I assume. They are represented here purely for a laugh.
Warnings: Spoofery.
Rating: PG-13
Archiving: PM/P&P if wanted: Anywhere else Is fine too, just let me know! *g*
Notes: THis started as a two parter, and became three...then four...then five...then it was most definitely six until about ten minutes ago, when aol wouldn't take the last part as it was and I had to cut it in half, and it became seven *sighs, grins* And the title was only thought of just now - I'm so bad at them.
Beginning provided by Bethany:
#
Everything was business as usual during the senior staff meeting.
Most of the meeting had passed and everyone was awaiting the end of
the first officer's report. Harry was about to sprain something with
unbridled kiss-up-boy enthusiasm. The EMH was having naughty
photonic fantasies (he could access all the female crewmembers
medical records through his portable emitter after all) while
grinning. Neelix was wondering what the hell had possessed him to
join this sorry lot� he hadn't had sex in years and he always had to
be sucking up in order to get in a scene. Tom looked like a horny
teenager, leering goofily at B'Elanna, who was trying to ignore him,
occasionally toweling up his puddle of drool when it threatened to
come her way. Seven was� (man does she have a body!)� she was not
showing much expression at all, competing with Tuvok for deadpan
character of the week with extra points thrown in for expressive
eyebrow maneuvers. Finally the Captain couldn't wipe the command
mask off her face� she was irritable� after all forced celibacy
cramped a Starship Captain's style.
"I am happy to report I have been practicing new facial expressions
and I believe I have successfully mastered a smile!" Chakotay
finished, in his all about me way.
Janeway resisted rolling her eyes, deciding to give the good puppy,
uh first officer his bone. "That's wonderful Chuckle's I mean
Chakotay� Let's see it."
Everyone turned to the wooden man and waited. Harry wondered if
someone had put a dime store Indian in his chair.
"This is it!" Chakotay cried.
Janeway sighed. `I'm so glad they got us off New Earth,' "Ah yes,
of course� very good." Everyone hastened to agree, although none
could see any change, simply because they knew he juggled their
schedules.
S uddenly the command staff was surround by a motley bunch of people.
Some held compression rifles, but most held things not nearly that
lethal (like slinkys and PADDs) and Janeway was incredulous. They
weren't scheduled for the `Alien-of-the-week' for two days!
"Who are you and How did you get onto MY" (well she is
possessive) "ship!?" she began to throw random glares around the
room, beginning at glare level 3� no need to put much effort into it
yet you know. However the diverse group surrounding them had already
donned protective eyewear before she finished her sentence. One of
the Captain's glares bounced too quickly off of a taller man's
glasses ricocheting around the room. At that precise moment an
unfortunate anonymous ensign entered the room (bringing Janeway more
coffee) and he intercepted the stray glare. He fell to the floor a
screaming mess.
"Damn! My coffee! I mean� Doctor do something!"
The hologram was running a tricorder over the fallen man already and
his head popped up. He looked at Janeway, and with better deliver
than he had had in many years he said "I'm a hologram not a writer
Janey!"
Everyone in the room blinked� even Tuvok and Seven, who raced each
other for raised eyebrows. (Seven won this round)
Janeway sighed and rolled her eyes. She was supposed to have the fun
lines. "Fine. I want some answers. Who is the leader of this bunch
and what do you want from us?"
A cute British woman stepped forward and answered in that delicious
English accent (what can I say, it is a sexy accent) "Well, none of
us are really the leader ma'am. First of all it would be foolish to
bring our leader here to you� you'd either seduce her, glare at her,
or trick her then blow her up." There generally murmurs of agreement
around the table and Janeway could've sworn she heard B'Elanna
say `Well, she knows you.' "However more than that, we evolved
beyond the need to have anyone in charge� although she left a few of
us responsible for the lot... you know... just in case the keggers
get out of hand or what not."
"Well since you spoke up first I could always direct my energies
focusing on you�" the redhead answered.
"Then I'd just create a farcical-plottwist-inversion, changing your
hairstyle once every 10 seconds and hiding all the coffee" (One of
the intruders, a tall blonde, shuddered at this last comment, looking
upset by the mention of hiding coffee) "until you gave up. Now
really, we are all familiar at dealing with you Captain. Wyld� will
you take over? My anti-glare glasses are fogging up."
A handsome man stepped forward from behind part of the crowd. "Ah
yes, thank you RalSt." (A few of the invaders (saviors actually)
hung on his every word� still harboring the futile hope that he'd
accidentally start spewing more chapters to FFF) "We represent a
group known as VJB. We have taken it upon ourselves to heal each
universe from the harm caused by an evil group known as TPTB." (The
invading group collective look uncomfortable at the mention of the
enemy� some shuddering, a few of the more feminine women hanging onto
the strong shoulders of other nearby women, and more than a few more
growling, pulling Bat'leths out of thin air looking like Klingons
ready for battle.) "They are more powerful than Q, and they have
infected your crew in almost every universe we've encountered�
denying your sexual natures� rerouting healthy attractions into
ridiculous ones for sport�" he lowered his glasses to make eye
contact with the Captain daringly. "Do the terms `Gothic Novel'
and `Fairhaven' mean anything to you Captain Janeway?"
Janeway blanched. Chakotay finally moved his head. (I think.)
B'Elanna giggled. Harry looked terrified of the idea that he may
actually lose his virginity. Tom was� just Tom. And so it went
around the table.
"I am curious, what do you intend to do about the situation if this
group, "TPTB", are so powerful? How will you combat their methods?"
Tuvok asked.
"We have our ways dear Vulcan. First we will need to alter the
timeline somewhat so we can get Voyager home sooner� TPTB plan on
leaving you out here to deal with your plaktow without your wife�
you'll end up using a hologram that Tom creates."
"Captain, I believe we should listen to this group," Tuvok said a
little too quickly.
"Do I ever get to fall in love? Have sex?" the EMH piped up.
A few of the VJB group talked amongst themselves, and a little heated
debate a Texan in the back finally answered (fairly
unenthusiastically) "Yeah, we'll work on it� but ya' gotta' be
reasonable Doc'... an' Keep those beady eyes of yours off'a Seven,
ya' hear?"
The Doctor nodded happily, very content to know he'd get /anything/
at all.
The little redheaded captain stood and dramatically paced behind her
chair, while using strange hand movements (well, they were strange
since she wasn't talking yet!). Finally she looked around the
invaders and asked, "So what do you propose to do?"
#
(Begin Story)
While the captain glared and the assembled VJBers thanked their tech-heads for the glare-proof shades, no one noticed RalSt's discreet nod to the Texan at the back of the group. The dark haired woman acknowledged the pre-arranged signal and tapped three other women, who then followed her silently out of the room and into a turbo lift whilst Wyld kept the bridge crews attention away from them by saying,
'With your permission, Captain, we'd like to work with your crew to set up an inverse spatial anomaly, which we'd then use to sling-shot you through the warp ten barrier. From our previous experiences with you, we know this technique will work, but we'll need to make very complicated adjustments to your structure and shielding.'
'Damn right!' Tom Paris blurted. 'I'm not going to be a lizard again�even if I did get to shtoop the captain,' he added under his breath.
Janeway, however, looked extremely skeptical. 'Are you saying you want full access to ships systems?'
'No ma'am,' a tall, well-spoken man said, stepping forward. 'What we will need is full co-operation. And access to your computer to allow us to work on our calculations.'
'This is our lead science, astrometics and technology officer, Lieutenant BT,' RalSt said. 'He'll be the one you talk to most about this project. It's mostly his calculations that get us through, because frankly the author doesn't have a clue what she's talking about.'
'The author?' Janeway asked, and RalSt found herself being stared at by the Voyager crew.
'The�the�oh, never mind, it's not important,' she said. 'What's important is that we get you home before TBTP know we are here!'
Whilst the VJBer's nodded seriously and the Voyager crew looked perplexed, Seven spoke up. 'I do not understand something. There is a discrepancy in your explanation,' She stated, looking at the assembled VJBer's, who did there very best not to swoon under the blonde beauties' gaze. Unfortunately, a few at the back were not strong enough and fainted dead away, a happy smile plastered on their features.
'What do you mean?' A flushed woman asked while the woman next to her fanned her frantically to keep her brain from imploding under the ex-Borgs' baby-blue gaze.
'You say you have done this many times before, but yet you request stations at which to work on your calculations. This implies that the calculations are unfinished or flawed, which they would not be if you have performed this procedure before.'
BT smiled charmingly. 'I'm sorry, perhaps it was not clear. We like to check the calculations each time, to make sure there are no refinements we can make. It is logical to do so, is it not?'
'Indeed,' Another VJBer stepped forward, nodding slightly in BT's direction. 'I'm Lieutenant Rebelgirl and this is Lieutenant Bethany. I'm VJB's Communications officer. I'll be your liaison between BT's team,' a group of studious looking men and women nodded and waved, 'and Voyagers command staff.'
'I'm VJB's Operations Chief,' Bethany said, smiling at the command staff. 'We're all lieutenants because the author can't remember any other rank that she's not sure she didn't make up.'
Despite her confusion over this strange 'author' entity, Janeway couldn't help but be impressed with the efficient manner in which the VJB personnel introduced themselves. It seemed that they certainly knew what they were doing and-
'#Fire Alert! Fire Alert!#' The computer wailed, making everyone in the briefing room start in surprise.
'What's going on?' The Captain demanded, her nerves suddenly twanging - a fire alert was one of the worst possible things you could hear on a starship.
'It appears as if we have a fire alarm, deck eleven, section nine,' Tuvok replied after he worked the console in the wall, his easy, even tones not hinting at the gravity of the situation and soothing the Captains nerves somewhat.
'Tuvok, you're with me, have an engineering team meet us down there,' The Captain barked, pulling a phaser from some hidden recess of her chair.
'Aye, Captain,' the security chief replied.
'Wait!' RalSt called. 'Where did you say that fire was again?'
'Deck eleven, section nine.'
'Oh,' RalSt said, shuffling her feet a little. 'Right.'
The captain, had she been more on the ball, might have picked up on RalSt's almost hidden distress, but as it was she was much more worried about having a fire on her ship.
'Lets go!' She ordered, and the command staff headed out of the briefing room. Harry immediately went to his post to better monitor the situation, and Chakotay was carefully led to his chair, where some kind soul tried to put some semblance of an expression on his dour features, failing miserably.
The Captain, Tom, Tuvok and the Doc piled into the turbo-lift. Seven and B'Elanna were about to follow them when RalSt and the VJBer's dived forward, taking up the available space by spreading their arms and legs whilst trying to make it look casual. They ended up looking like they were trying to perform the dance for 'Vogue' and the Hokey Cokey at the same time.
'Perhaps you two ought to take�another turbo-lift. Together. Alone,' the woman said, waving her arms to encourage them not to enter.
The Voyager crewmembers shared a perplexed look and then looked at their Captain, who was aiming a low-level glare at the back of RalSt's head and thinking about coffee, and so was too busy to comment.
By the time they thought to argue, the turbo-lift doors were closing, and the last thing they saw was RalSt's encouraging grin.
'I wonder what that was about?' B'Elanna murmured as they waited for the next turbo-lift.