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Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? They're doing research on black holes.
Freddy was my song coach and had a great apartment. I told him a little white lie so I could move in with him and when he found out the truth you'd think I was the biggest sinner since the last bum that Aimee Simple McPherson got to confess and convert. After he bedded me and probably bragged about it, he was no longer interested in me and it wasn't hard to move out and in with an agent called Johnny. Johnny was an acrobat before becoming an agent. He managed Lana, Bob, Betty, and Rita and wanted to marry me, but I wanted money to move into the Carlton Hotel and this didn't sit right with him.
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? So they know if it is morning or afternoon or so that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. Why do men like blonde jokes? Because they can understand them.
Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes always drink with straws? Practice.
One time I was driving my little Ford convertible when I had a small fender-bender. Tom Kelley gave me his card and after that got me a good photography assignment with Pabst Beer for one of their posters. It was shortly after this that I posed for probably my best known picture. Playboy magazine certainly thought so. I think it might have saved their struggling magazine when it was first trying to make an impression on the American public. Someone asked what I had on when I posed and I said naturally enough, "Artie Shaw". Loved his jazz. I got $50 for that pose, even made a payment on my little convertible with some of it.
Why do all blondes have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
My doctors keep giving me more and more pills. Lucky me, huh?
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
When it comes to men do I have any regrets? Yes, more often than not. I hardly ever met a man I didn't like and I hardly ever met a man that didn't get out of me more than he ever gave. Elia Kazan was like that. I heard the way he described me: "...a decent kid brought down by the big city, with parted legs. Lacking knowledge and cruising on her own experience, wanting respect through the men she attracted." He thought men abused me because of my own lack of self-respect and the fact that I remain a contract player making a mere $500 a week. I should mention he dropped me like a hot potato. Perhaps he thought I might be pregnant with his child. That's how I felt.
A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the O Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
Some idle thoughts: Writing is the true biography of your mind. I think fat people should lighten up. If light travels 670 million miles a second, how fast does dark travel? Check that out. Open and close a refrigerator door. I've been reading Chekhov and find his writing has perfect pitch. Anton was great and now I am working with Michael his nephew in his private drama classes. We use Stanislavski's techniques for our exercises.
Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back."
The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception."
The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
I think one of the best pictures taken of me was at the Miss America Pageant in Atlantic City. I was the Grand Marshall and they caught a great shot of me waving. That one I'd like for my own scrapbook of memories.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
I'd like to think I'm drunk on the Dom Perignon of life. Just about the time you think you've got a handle on life it turns around and bites you in the ass. Jimmy Dean worked hard as an actor and finally rewarded himself by buying a brand new Porsche. He named it "the little bastard" and of course everyone knows the story of what happened the very next day. The "little bastard" ran him headon into a telephone pole and killed him. End of story.
"I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I was a muffler," reported the sad faced blonde. "I woke up exhausted."
Seen on the back of a biker's shirt at a Harley weekend in Tomahawk, WI: If you can read this... the blonde bitch fell off.
A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.
The problem with the world is that everyone wants instant gratification. Then there are those I can name that believe instant gratification takes too long!
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies, "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
If energy follows thought and I find I'm tired all the time, does that mean I am doing little thinking? That's when I tell myself that I am not seeing life as it is but as I am. That's when I get that "nobody home" look in my eyes. Can tell I've been taking too many of those little oblong pills again. Actually, I believe the more personal you are the more universal you become. That's when I tell everyone only gravity can get me down and that my breasts just might be falling a tad or two, but only into the hands of specialists such as my masseur Ralph Roberts, or was his name George?
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when a fellow decided to visit his girl friend, Jean. Jean may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, put in a subtle fashion, lacking in other areas.
Well Jean had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. The young man thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.
When he arrived, he found Jean working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. He asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought him the paint bucket and told him to read the instructions. He did.
It said, ... "For best results, put on two coats."
More idle thoughts: Some times when I feel inspired it's like have a Jacuzzi bubbling away in my mind. My life like my 30 films were 1/2 time in color and 1/2 in black and white. I keep telling myself it's my life and I should put my soul into it. I think a good nom de plume for myself would be Zelda Zonk. Yes, Marilyn Monroe rolls off the tongue nicely, but most of the time I've felt like Zelda Zonk. Zelda Zonk whose dreams were made up mostly of Brueghel and Bosch paintings when dreaming was even possible.
There are three ladies working in the same office. They begin to notice that each day the boss, who is also a female, leaves work early. One day they decide that once the boss takes off they are gonna be right behind her, after all she never comes back or calls so how would she know. So, they all three leave and the brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The blonde was happy, happy, happy, to be home. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly, quietly, she cracks open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!! Ever so gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them.
"NO WAY!!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"
A few weeks ago I tried to explain how I felt to Clark on the set of Misfits. He had a manly way of putting things and he said, "Honey, you certainly sound like a stumpsucker." STUMPSUCKER? I couldn't resist asking the obvious question. "Well, little filly, a stumpsucker is a rather nervous horse caged in a stall with sides that can be chewed down a board or two and actually does get that way. You have so much anger you're chewing away on your stall boards. Where does it get you? You're still stalled!"
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie: "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? From eating with forks.
Surprise! Arthur use to be the maypole around which I danced. I thought he was so much above myself, like a giant among the glitterati. What I taught myself when living with this very difficult personality is that life is a banquet and the stubborn asses of the world starve to death. Death Of A Salesman was that man's highpoint. Since then it has been a slow death. Starvation was the cause.
Joe never belonged to the church of wearing his baseball hat backwards but in everything else he was. At least he has a great son in Joe Jr. He calls me sometimes just to talk and I find that so great. It's almost like he is my own son. I ran across something written awhile ago that applies to me right now in all this business about my troubles with the studio and the film Something's Got To Give. The statement is: "I'm too full to swallow any more sorrow." That's exactly the way I feel.
Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? Because you don't have to marry them for sex! Why do blondes have legs? So they don't get stuck to the ground or to get between the bedroom and the kitchen. Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it.
I think my housekeeper and her son are up to something around my new house. I'll feel better without her around and am glad she has taken my letting her go so well. I thought she may get rather unpleasant about the whole thing.
The first day of school - a little blonde girl walked into class. "My name is David," said a friendly little boy. "What is your name?"
"Happy-butt," replied the little blonde girl.
"That can't be your name - what is your real name?"
"I told you--- it's Happy-butt."
"You're lying. I'm going to tell the teacher!" "What is your name?" the teacher asked the little blonde girl. "Happy-butt."
"No, no, what is your real name?"
"Happy-butt."
"Shame on you for lying! You go straight to the principal's office this minute!" "Why are you here?" asked the principal.
"They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy-butt."
"Your name can't be Happy-butt. I'm going to call your mother and straighten this out," the principal threatened the little blonde. When the blonde's mother was on the phone, the principal reported, "Your daughter keeps telling us her name is Happy-butt. Is this true?"
"Oh, that must be my youngest daughter, Gladys."
The man turned to the little blonde and with a stern tone said, "Well, little girl, your mother just said your name is Gladys."
"Happy Butt... Glad Ass - what's the difference?" replied the blonde raising her eyebrows in triumph.
The same little blonde girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
Peter got me to spend a weekend as Frank's guest in Nevada. I expected more and was rather disappointed at the wholeweek end.
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
I think I've got the problems between the studio and myself almost solved. I may be going back to work very shortly. I'm getting restless and will welcome being back on the set again.
Peter has been very good about setting up times and places for meetings with his relatives. I was surprised how badly Frank treats Peter but then I don't know the whole story about Frank's disappointments with JFK. I think Frank did some remodeling of his Palm Springs place with the promise that the president would stay at his place and it didn't happen. Still, I feel sorry for Peter when he's treated so shabbily by Frank and his group.
What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? You don't, you see if you've got three condoms. How does the blonde car pool work? They all meet at work at 7:45.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? Her IQ goes up!
Called Washington several times and got the cold shoulder. They act like I'm not real or something.
What happens when a blonde puts her panties on backwards? She gets her ass chewed out.
Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.
Why do blondes find it difficult to marry? Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them!
Sang for the big guy's birthday. Had to fly to N.Y. but it was worth it. The expensive dress wasn't. It kept coming apart at the seams. They finally sewed me into it. The studio had kittens over my taking off from the film, but they will get over it.
Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde? She thought her period was French Provincial. Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
The doctor and his family are my closest friends during this very difficult time. I am certainly hopeful that things are beginning to come together for me.
Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her? She believed him.
Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.
Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology? She'll blow your mind, too. Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route.
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