JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team player needed for challenging work in an always-chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work daily with no mention of time off, which includes hours of organizing and planning outside of work with no reward or mention of credit whatsoever.
RESPONSIBILITES: "Forever" must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, till someone wants to go outside for free-play. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams of bloody murder from across the field are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously wet seats, fallen pigtails, and stuck backpack zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendar and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, nonexistent the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices, only to learn the toy is to complicated to play with. Must be able to keep track of time by the millisecond, in order to maintain extra curricular activities of clients in time with the rest of your chaotic world.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance, and the "alternate to rubbish duty".
POSSIBLILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills to suit your employer, so that change can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. No need for love much less liking of kids-though faking it is highly recommended.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses including candy at holidays, special treats and games all year. Your reward will be filling out endless paper work including but NOT LIMITED to accident forms, and receipts, all of which you will be told you have filled out wrong.
BENEFITS: No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options. Job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free Cheeto dust and/or cookie crumb hugs.