| OH HAMPDEN IN THE SUN |
| It's been far too bloody long, I know. And in the vast time that I've not been writing about the various funny and some not so funny sides of Scottish football, needless to say a lot has happened. Most importantly, of course, Mr Hetherston and Jock McStay were given the heave ( resignation my arse! ); Gerry Collins recieved the jaggy bullet; Tam Cowan lost something in the region of 10 stone and is apparently just a phone-call away from Hollywood Stardom; James Grady got his cock out live on air; Scotland were gubbed 6 ... ah, ok, touchy subject, I know. I was sad to hear of Gerry Collins losing his job at Thistle. Nothing short of Geoff Hoon could shore up their defence, and even then I'm not so sure. But seriously, Collins isn't completely to blame. What did the board honestly expect when they appointed someone who'd barely managed before?? And with John Lambie presumably as his only role-model, he was surely only one defeat away from making a right-wing comment about how the national coach is a Nazi or something. Bottom line is, Thistle are pants. It's a shame James Grady couldn't wear a pair. Speaking of that footage, Channel five sure know how to pick 'em, don't they? Celtic's 4th side versus Partick Thistle!!! A record national power-surge was recorded as television sets across the country were turned off in disgust ... and that was before the game. Yes, another great gaffe from five was to give John Barnes the hosting job. What does John Barnes know about Celtic anyway? Pat Nevin looks like someone wants to pass him the cyanide as he's asked questions delivered in a manner that would make Pinocchio seem human. And then, up in the gantry, we have two non "Jocks": Something Pearce, you know, the guy off Robot Wars ( apparently Barnes applied for this job, but was turned down on the grounds that he sounded too much like the robots involved and it would have only confused the viewer), and Trevor... Stevens, Brooking, the fella off Fireman Sam? No? Anyway, old Pearcey was clutching at straws as were the entire nation ( no green and white ones for the Gers fans though! ) and was annoyingly referring to Thistle as "Partick" whilst trying to pluck out ways to mention ways of announcing that yes, England did win the World Cup in 1966 and also some other tournament in 2003. I can't remember how the show went off the air, but I think it involved a quick match summary ( the goals and a shot of James Grady's ) before they moved onto the real porn, although after Grady everything was a bit of anti-climax. Poor Dundee are away down the chute so it seems. Gio Di Stefano comes in with Ravioli and the guy with no teeth and he's been shunned?! That's a typical Dundonian appearance, is it not? Anyway ... rumour has it that United manager Ian McCall hired Gio Di Stefano as a spy to bring down Dundee. Well, that's what the tape says, although it sounds very much like "Di Stefano's pies" and with Ian McCall around there's always time for one, even if he likes to play mince every Saturday. As we're coming up to the Christmas season, I thought it would be a good idea to introduce some alternative carols: Away in a Ranger: Away for the Rangers, no dough for some bread Little Capucho laid down his wee legs The Huns in the main stand look down where he lay "Get up ya wee arsehole, and earn yer big wage!" (Poor) The wallets are empty, old duds pave the way But little McLeish, no crying he makes I love thee Lord Murray, give me some cash "More chance of me beating you in a 100 yard dash." Silent Night Silent Night, Rovers are shite Silky's away, so is McStay More mince pies for Yardley, Crunchie commands Put some more weight on to amuse our fans Eat in heavenly peace, eat that last bacon piece Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Goram smells, Elgin cannae play O what fun is it to play against Robbo's team today Jingle Bells, Goram smells, Elgin canne play O what fun is to horse them back down Hampden way There'll be more carols once I can think of some very soon, plus a new feature, the first ever caption competition featuring a picture of myself and Mark Hateley at some writing contest. Ha, you see, you're thinking of some witty lines already. The winners get a fresh bottle of Peter Hetherston sour grapes wine and all runners up will receive a complimentary bottle of Jock McStay hair dye. That's all for now. |
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| Will be sadly missed ... |
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| This will soon be the site of a new Asda |