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He shat it when he let in seven
Firstly, let's talk about referees. Last Sunday Willie Young sent-off Phil Stamp after he scored Hearts' winner in the Edinburgh derby. This seemed a bit harsh as I think that Stamp should have been given a knighthood, and compared to Mother Theresa for jumping in amongst the great unwashed. Or maybe the SFA have introduced a new rule stating that all ugly players must be sent off. Nah, Stevie Fulton scored a belter and he never faced a red. Although apparently he was approached to participate in some good old fashioned Mexican bullfighting - as the bull.
In last night's Huns vs Huns league cup quarter final match, Rangers beat Dunfermline by a single goal. Referee Douglas McDonald denied the Pars a penalty, despite having, as my Dad called it, a real "Tim" name. I had to inform him later that the referee was not Brian McGarry. Dunfermline, however, played well even with the obstacle of having more blue-noses that your average SFA referee knees-up.
And finally, on the referee topic, Hugh Dallas. Hugh has the honour of being Scotland's top whistler, but do you remember the time when he used to come from Bonkle? FIFA ordered that either Hugh send them one of his movies or he could move house. After later discussing with FIFA that Bonkle had no sexual connotations, Dallas moved to Motherwell, the home of sex-gods such as Tam Cowan and Stevie Woods. But now he is contemplating leaving Motherwell for Bonkle again - the shagging was better. Having sex with Terry Butcher at the window with the Channel Five film crew was becoming a real passion killer.
After the mysterious virus that the Aberdeen players went down with the other week, they quickly recovered to beat Motherwell in the Joka Cola Cup. David Preece was the 'keeper and he saw SEVEN goals fly past him. The match was such a disgrace that Hugh Dallas refereed the match from the stand. The question was "What was the virus and how did the players get it?". Some would say that the players were food poisoned, but I reckon that they all fell ill when they smelt Preece's pants after he was told that he may start against the Tims. When the final whistle blew, Ebbe Skovdahl got a phone-call from George Bush who said that if they players were free on Wednesdays and Thursdays they could sign up for the army in the war against terrorism. But if you can't control a fat Welsh fanny you will not have a chance against a bearded Afghani.
And to finish us off today, I want to talk about Dick Campbell, the Brechin manager. Brechin saw their finest ever Halloween night when the club-shop was sold out of Dick masks, but he finally put all the jokes to rest when he went out and bought himself some new teeth. The new dentures cost him aroung �2,000 pounds, his entire yearly wage. At night he takes them out and instead of putting them in a glass of water, he uses an old propane tank. It is a sound investment as Brechin can re-introduce their youth set-up because kids were scared stiff whenever they saw Dick. One of those youths being Roddy Grant....................