| OH HAMPDEN IN THE SUN |
| I'm sorry that this column hasn't featured on the site for quite some time, but what's a month or two between friends? Anyway, on the agenda today are Peter Hetherston and Jock McStay... Peter Hetherston, Albion Rovers manager, isn't one of my favourites. In fact, Peter is probably the most hated man in the Third Division. You won't have to look far to see him throwing a temper tantrum, kicking chairs over, or taunting the crowd. His mental age, judging by his actions, is probably around five. In the Albion Rovers match programme for the cup replay against the Glorious Hoops, he wrote a heavily-edited piece on the up-coming match. I can't type it all out because it's quite long. It's no War and Peace, but, in terms of quality, it's up there with The Dandy, one of Peter's favourites. The programme version states: "Although I was obviously disappointed not to have won at the first attempt, I'm not too unhappy at having a second bite at the cherry..." Wow, wow, slow down, Pete. You're going too fast. What Peter really said was: "I'm disappointed that we did'nae break another leg out there, and biting was quite high up on my list of off-the-ball challenges. Some say I'm a rotten bastard...and they're right." He continues by saying: "Thank goodness the weather has relented enough for tonight's match to go ahead because there's nothing more worse for professional footballers than to be left kicking their heels in frustration." He really said: "Thank God the rain's gone off because Jock's (McStay) hair dye would start running faster than my pulse after seeing a referee's decision go against us. There's nothing better than kicking a good arse every so often, and I did in (sic) a few in my time." Old Pete is the worst loser of them all, but who isn't far behind is his assistant, Jock McStay. Despite being related to the lengendary Paul McStay, Jock's credentials stop there. He is remembered for being headbutted by Duncan Ferguson and the effects are obviously showing. He taunted the Queen's fans after James Allan opened the scoring in the first half of the cup match. Police action was not taken despite McStay taunting die-hard fan Martin Harvey. The Convenor was willing, but Jock went off to get video evidence and his barrister involved and Harvey's anger was not vented. But fair play to the guy, as he obviously meets all the credentials required for being at Albion Rovers: He has dyed hair, he has a tough-guy grimace on his face, he only wears the finest Coatbridge jewellery and he doesn't know anything about football. That's all for today, but expect a new Oh Hampden up very soon (now where have I heard that one before...) |
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| Name: John (Jock) McStay Age: 7 in January Credentials: Headbutted by Duncan Ferguson, and I heard that he played football too at some level. Favourite Food: Scrambled eggs (brains) - just like my mammy made when I was a wee bam. Who would I sign for Albion Rovers: My hairdresser cos I always want my roots done - it relieves stress. |
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| Hetherston: Don't ask me how I won it, but it might have been something to do with that hitman I hired a while back. Anyway, this'll look good on my desk wi' all my other trophies. Transfer window? I'll have to look into those cos we're a bit short on glass at Rovers. A wee bit of advice: See if you are ever cruising through Coatbridge looking for the nightlife, go to Legs N Co, I'll be in there giving lap dances all night long cos I don't get anything for working at Rovers. They're still takin' the damages outta my contract after I broke that ref's nose. *Off camera* Oh, no don't put that in!!!!! |