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| OH HAMPDEN IN THE SUN |
| Well, the firemen may be on strike, but never fear, friends, because this column will be with you 'till you are in your grave, which may come sooner unless these lay-about skivers get back to work. But before I start sounding like Tony Blair, I'll get on with the humour. You'd have thought that after me being away for so long, the content would be better, but don't hold your breath, this could be crap. Forget Jesus, Christmas is about money, presents, hugging the mother-in-law and swearing as much as possible in front of your kids after a few swallies too many. But if you really want to piss off the relative that you've never really taken a shine to, a crap gift can do wonders. Yes, you know the feeling. Socks are exchanged as are unsavoury looks and just when a fight is about to occur, you are both told to sit down and play "pass the parcel". But socks are sooo last November, so where else better to look than a football club shop. Now, you may want to put the children to bed because this is shocking stuff and unless you want a divorce, tell the wife to prepare the dinner. Here are some of the worst gifts that could ever be wrapped and they all have one thing in common - they're shit and they come from the brilliant minds of commercial football club directors. As a rule, I have excluded the replica shirt because that is too boring and do you really want to smell your Uncle Jimmy's sweat off the thing when you go round to visit him the following June? Thought not. First up are Dunfermline. |
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| Now this is crap. It is called the "Kit Money Box" and it costs a whopping �8.99. From the looks of the pitiful sum of money lying beside it, it looks like Jimmy Calderwood's transfer funds. On the crap scale I would give this two stars or two scars in the morning. Want a fight? This would be a good start. |
| If you are feeling ill, you better leave now because it gets much worse. |
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| THIS is the Aberdeen "Busty Dons Babe 3D Mug" and it costs �5.50, but it could cost you your life. Obviously eager to shake off the sheep jokes, the club have introduced a testosterone charged cup bursting with manliness. As you can see, the body doesn't have a head. Is this irony? You may be missing a head by New Year if you show this to your wife or girlfriend. Sexist, cheap and downright ugly, this has to be on the list. |
| That's it, wipe the vomit from your shirt because we're not done yet. |
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| Now whoever thought of this should be killed. Funny that the club is called KILmarnock then. You'll shit a brick when you see the price of �25. If you look closely, you'll see the pathetic job they did of trying to edit out Gus McPherson's name. And for added effect, a couple of builder's caps. Don't even bother giving this to anyone otherwise your face may end up looking like Gus's. Soon to replace Gordon Marshall. |
| And last, but not least..............or maybe least, I don't know.......... |
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| I almost feel sad about including this because it isn't crap, it's just cheap. This is a Partick Thistle pencil and it costs just under a pound. I don't know what kind of reaction you would get from someone if you gave them this, but chances are it would be one of disappointment. I'm not sure what you would do with a pencil over Christmas, but you could use it to stick up the purchaser's arse. A good way to wind up the person would be to wrap this up in a huge parcel and then see their facial reaction as it turns out to be an HB pencil. |
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| And there you have it, folks - the ultimate in gift shop shittery. There's a good chance that the receiver will look like this man on the left. A stale pint of Guinness in hand and wearing a crap red jumper, this man would likely say: "Give me my Vicks vapour rub so I can unblock me nose and that pencil so I can shove it up there and then smash my head against a table causing me to die and leave this world and never see you, or any of you scumbags ever again". Your job is done. You have killed off the person you hate without laying a finger on them. After all, it's the thought that counts and you think that they are a walking pair of tits. |