Episode 54…THE POWERS UNLEASHED- Several months of not having an appropriate job has made Valmont lose his voice...literally....(Who’s tossed Julian Sands and replaced him?) In an aura of pure arrogance, Valmont talks over his plans for ruling the world once again with a dark fist; okay, with the Dark Hand. Sitting next to him at, of all places, a donut shop, Finn, Ratso and Chow are all begging to get jobs back at the Dark Hand. As Jade has once said, just as you’ve pulled yourself out, they pull you back in.... It’s quite clear the benefits of a return are mutual for all four. They need dough (no, not to make pastries) to keep themselves alive, and perhaps the penny-picking has done total injustice to their backs. (Hak Foo can’t ask for a job now. Last time I recall, he’s dropped below the height requirement.) Adding salt to wounds, it’s raining and housing’s getting expensive. I’m always wondering how many times must the bad guys always talk together under rainy days; maybe they should move to someplace drier, like Texas. Oh, wait, they don’t got any money, doi!

 

Valmont aggravatingly promises his trio of lessers that they could be chairmen of the board just as long as they’d agree to getting employed. The gig here is that the on-again, off-again Enforcers must nab the 12 talismans off of Section 13 and then place them under Dark Hand possession. Before more moths can invade their wallets, the three hapless criminals agree to the offer, even though they’ve never known where Section 13 really is!

 

Far above the stormy coast, a giant liner arrives, carrying none other than the yellow-skinned, white-haired, black-spotted, green and gray-eyed evil chi maniac, Daolon Wong! Wong smiles as his scepter grows bright orange, assuring that the talismans of Shendu lie somewhere in San Francisco. How unfortunate that the scepter can’t tell Wong how many residents in San Fran want to prevent him from attaining that goal.

 

At Uncle’s Rare Finds, Uncle gasps and shivers out of his sleep and heads over to the bed of his servant Tohru. Tohru is frightened of Uncle’s appearance like Uncle wants to come out of a closet, literally AND figuratively. But Uncle explains he has the willies, before lightning strikes again.

 

Back at Section 13, Jackie Chan in pajamas is performing the usual; moping around in the base and subconsciously waiting for some sky-high catastrophe to require his assistance. He’s drinking a mug of coffee off of a microwave. Yes, Jackie knows zip about cooking.

 

Without requiring the aid of top secret road maps, Daolon Wong out of nowhere enters Section 13, apparently not feeling any effects from the Hellevator because he’s opened himself a new door. Guards rush to keep Daolon at bay, but Daolon sends them up into the ceiling and has the masonry gel over them so the guards hang up there like flies on a sticky trap. Wong then proceeds to use his scepter and then blow a huge hole through the giant safe. Wong’s not afraid of breaking into safes. To him, safes are like game cards to grand prizes; give them a scratch or two, and you’re sure to win. He holds his hand up to the glass casing around the talismans and it melts like candle wax.

 

From above an enigmatic vent in Section 13, the Enforcers Finn, Ratso and Chow clamber down to break into a big safe and make for it. Ratso is quite loud, addressing that security’s stinking here. Good news; the safe is easy to find. Bad news; the safe has already been found by a grade A perpetrator.

 

Jade is a much, much sadder case than her Uncle Jackie. Months of not getting it on with sky demons has reduced the younger Chan to playing street hockey by her lonesome and wearing the dopiest-looking helmet to hide her pretty head. You know, baseball’s looking pretty good in the fall, Jade. Well, at least she still enjoys carrying big sticks for fun....oh, never mind.

 

The Enforcers hold quite a curiosity over this particular metal-rock reject eyeballing the post of talismans. In fact, Ratso goes so far as to calling Wong the drummer from Kiss. Actually, he looks like WWE’s Jeff Hardy 50 years from now, if Jeff keeps wearing all that freaky makeup like bruises. (Question: does Ratso even know who the drummer from Kiss is?)

 

Anyways, Daolon Wong does not find the comparison to Kiss inviting (after all, Gene Simmons has bedded 200+ women. How many do you suppose Wong beds?) The Dark Chi Wiz-ard sends the Enforcers out of orbit via a magical sphere. The Enforcers groan and wonder who in this luckless world happens to be the short, dark and ugly.

 

Wong and the Enforcers hear the screams of Jade the antisocial street hockey player, who immediately blurts out their names to give them all a good impression of each other. Jade's scream for "Jackie" compels our Chan Man to get down there and see what's Jade been up to. Before he chides Jade over playing street hockey, Jackie sees The Enforcers and Daolon Wong. "You've got be kidding me" indeed.

 

Jackie Chan, Uncle & Tohru w/Jade vs. Daolon Wong & The Dark Chi Warriors vs. The Enforcers (***)- Never thought we’d be ever seeing a Three-Way Tag Dance on JCA, but life needs to be full of surprises. Jackie’s the alpha player here and of course grabs Jade’s hockey stick to knock the foes off their rockers. For the most part, Jackie clashes against Wong’s Warriors and avoids their tong-fu, hammer and chakra at blinding speed. Uncle and Tohru arrive onto the scene with an ornate wooden box in hand. Tohru presses the box, and like a perfect Poke-ball, it sucks the Chi Warriors inside and doesn’t let go. Wong curses at Uncle as the Chi Warriors have become entrapped in the ancient artifact, the Urn of Wei Ching. Too bad Wong’s never figured out that Uncle’s an artifacts dealer. That leaves Daolon Wong and Jackie Chan in a fierce lockup over the bag of talismans, so where exactly have the Enforcers gone? It turns out that the grade D robbers have hopped aboard one of Section 13’s (or for that matter Dr. Kepler’s) freaky laser cannons, exposed to their sights during the explosive battle of mystical martial arts mayhem. They fire lasers blindingly and Section 13 starts becoming an inedible hunk of Swiss Cheese. Jackie ricochets off surfaces, locks a big boot to the Enforcers and scores the advantage. He then realizes he’s at the helm of an obliterator and sees his chance to end the magical hocus woe-cus. Jackie aims the bag of magical talismans and blows them to the heavens, and I’m not kidding here. The laser for a moment creates a vortex encasing every talisman inside, and then the talismans fragment into dust before spirits soar to the air and disperse to unknown destinations. Growling at the destruction, Wong wields the scepter and vanishes in a cloud of dust. The Enforcers run off to escape a life sentencing.

 

Jackie Chan bows down and sighs exasperatingly as the adventures have finally come to a close, until the ominous whack of Uncle’s fingers tells him otherwise. A new chapter has in fact begun for the Chan Man; the talismans are physically destroyed, but the spirits derived within the talismans survive and will in fact undergo reincarnation! And because the 12 talismans represent the 12 animals of the Chinese zodiac, the talismans will seal themselves inside the bodies of 12 noble animals! Thus, a sheep will own astral projection, a rooster will own levitation, and a tiger will have the ying-yang balance, and so on. Uncle barks out to his nephew that they must act quickly, or in his words, get cracking”; considering the amount of migrations, zoos, and diverse habitats across the globe, these animals can be anywhere and lose their powers to Daolan Wong, who indeed is off to catch the powers right this minute. Jade finds this completely cool for the adventures to start all over again; it beats an Easter Egg hunt, because it lasts longer. The Chans and Tohru walk off towards destiny.

 

Appearing through a crack in the ceiling, Captain Black asks Jackie what has happened. Jackie moans that it’s more than anything Black would ever imagine....

 

Extremo Quiz: Why didn’t Captain Black lend a hand to Jackie Chan?

 

a.) More bad electrical problems screwing the security. Man, underground bases don’t get enough maintenance.

 

b.) Negotiations over hopefully booking a fourth season for JCA, since this season is very likely to be the last.

 

c.) Fixing cracks made during Jade’s so-called hockey practice. Maybe he figures this large hole is one of them.

 

d.) The Hellevator got jammed in places after Tohru used it. Sorry, T, but use the stairs next time.

 

At the gloomy streets of San Francisco, the empty-handed Enforcers declare to an impatient Valmont that maybe they could just forget the whole chairmen-of-the-board thingy to make the news less painful than it already is. Valmont chides that if they’ve been employed, he would fire them. Valmont’s better at put-downs when he’s talking to Shendu.

 

Just as the news gets broken out, from the shadows walks Daolon Wong, who points specifically at the three Enforcers who’ve unwittingly plotted the epic screwjob back at Section 13. He then levitates the Enforcers off their feet and they scream dizzily as they circle across a big floating pool of smoke. No, they’re not having a giddy swim together.

 

Inside the cloud, the Enforcers stare in confusion as their skins turn orange, their ears become pointy, their muscles become more defined and their eyes as ink black as their newest fashion statements.

 

As the cloud disappears, the Enforcers have been declared by Daolon Wong to be his new Dark Chi Warriors!!! Finn, with a rectangular face and long flowing red hair, is a resemblance to Ren. Ratso, being the bulkier of the Enforcer lot, seems to be the coulda been gridiron player Gan.

 

Daolon’s magical prowess forces the once-again ex-Enforcers to bow before the so-called Kiss lookalike. Valmont chides to Daolon that this is totally uncalled for and that these Enforcers belong to him and thus are to be punished his own special way. (Or something like that. How many readers out there think Valmont’s gay?) Before the Big V finishes his sentence, the Big D turns the sidewalk into quicksand and Valmont yelps as he dives downward until he’s stuck neck-deep in concrete. Daolon declares that good fortune is with him, because a noble animal happens to be in San Fran at that. He disappears and the new warriors wonder where’d he go, until they disappear themselves. Valmont’s stuck in the concrete as a car splashes water across his face. He’s gonna get even worse problems when the pigeons wake up.

 

The next morning, back at Uncle’s Rare Finds, the cranky shopkeeper is mixing a cauldron of potions, but not because his day job employer is J.K. Rowling. Uncle has spells that can locate the trails of the noble animals (no, not the trails of scents or pheromones) and figures that a noble animal is nearby. At first the mystical screen only indicates a woman, but through Uncle’s rather odd fine-tuning (I don’t know how he does that with magic) it’s then revealed that it’s just a billboard close to the local dog show, and Daolon’s on the trail as well. Uncle and the rest of the Chans conclude that the first animal to be rescued is the dog carrying the Immortality Talisman.

 

At the dog show, groups of marvelous mutts are being groomed and preened by their high-class trainers when a puffy gray tramp enters inside the arena and hops along giddily. An elite in the show tries shooing the dog out of the way, but it persists and is there to stay.

 

Overconfidence has sunk into Daolon Wong’s head so badly that he’s forgotten to set an alarm clock, because instead of just practically searching for the dog right after employing new warriors, Wong decides to wait until sunrise and enter an arena filled with hundreds of dogs! Which is the smarter alternative; waiting for daytime to find one dog during business hours, or finding one dog most likely getting a beauty sleep?

 

Anyways, Wong approaches one side of the auditorium while the Chans and Tohru appear on another. As they watch the bustling group of owners and canines, the little gray tramp is scampering curiously but then growls as he senses something wrong. By the look of his _expression, it isn’t a nasty flea.

 

Jackie Chan & Tohru w/ Jade & Uncle vs. Daolon Wong and The (New) Dark Chi Warriors/Enforcers (?) (****1/2)- Stupendous main event, easily a classic by many means. It doesn’t take long before the Chan Clan realizes that the yellow-skinned, white-haired, black-spotted spectator near the exit is not a drummer from Kiss. Daolon readies a blast from his scepter but Jackie hits the big boot just in time. Wong’s such a failure at close-rang shooting. Jackie grabs the leashes off of every dog in the show and zips to the outside. Unknowingly to all but the viewer, the gray tramp expectedly follows. Daolon Wong immediately summons Finn, Ratso and Chow from limbo and orders them to attack. The Chans and Tohru are in momentary disbelief but are quite subdued in reaction. Tohru blocks the door with a vending machine. The door is busted open by Chow, and Ratso and Finn find higher approaches to escaping the building. As Ratso would say, they’re like Peter Pan, except evil. The Dark Chi Warriors fly into their foes but Tohru’s size once again intimidates them. Irritated, Daolon Wong gives each of his minions their weapons. Finn has that nasty chakra, Ratso the sledge hammer and Chow that triple-barred nunchuku thingy that doubles as a staff (or Tong-Fu, as us movie buffs would call it). Tohru runs before the trio and tries pummeling them with a traffic sign, but Finn cuts it in half. The T-sumo is laid out with a bang of Ratso’s hammer to the head and in turn a big splash to someone’s yellow car. Got insurance? Because Tohru’s most likely going to leave the scene to save the world. Hit and Run, Version Sumo.

 

Meanwhile, the leashed dogs all halt at a local park. Why they would choose this place is beyond me; maybe the manicures are getting them all sick and they need loads of fiber from the grass. Whatever the case, they stop there and Jackie needs a big breather, and for good reason. Uncle sifts through all the dogs by sniffing at their tail ends....no normal human being would have the stomach (better yet, the nose) to try this. Soon, Daolon Wong, not a tad breathless himself, dares to knuck up against his un-magical archenemy with blue-balled scepter in hand. Jackie hands the leashes over to Uncle. Unfortunately, the dogs spot sight of a cat and give chase to it, dragging the old man out of the park. Amazingly, this ordeal doesn’t send Uncle into a wheelchair, as Jackie and Daolon clash, Jackie with his fists and feet and Wong with his terrible trio. Jade sees a lone, leashless stray on her sights and pets it happily (backstage, Hsi Wu is furious that this doesn’t happen to him onscreen), but irritated by the cutesy stuff, Daolon fires a blast from his scepter and soon proceeds to fry the dog into brunch. But as the blast hits, it fails to penetrate. Daolon gasps as he sees the dog glowing in a lavender halo. The dog has this nasty growling face as the “camera” pans closer with every shot into its ink-black eyes, and then we realize the shape of the Dog Talisman, cracks and all, is right inside. Talk about the old adage, “the eyes have it.”

 

Meanwhile, Jackie and the Dark Chi Warriors are rollicking at the playpen, though more in the torturous way rather than the pleasurable way. Chow snares his Tong Fu around Jackie’s ankle, but the Chan Man delivers a brilliant counter by jumping on a swing and then swinging a big boot from there to Chow’s screaming face. Jackie climbs up the incline of a slide and just barely avoids the swing of Ratso’s hammer, which is so heavy that the as-yet rookie Chi Warrior falls head first down the slide. Another great spot has Jackie escaping from Finn via the monkey bars while Finn saws through the bars from above, causing the bars to collapse and inadvertently bringing the Disco Dude down to earth.

 

As the battle grows more intense, Daolon Wong grabs the mongrel out of Jade’s reach and a jaw actually opens from one palm to suck the immortal juice off the dog. But the tramp won’t risk losing his unlimited Star-Man lying down, and he bites back at the palm, causing Daolon to yelp and drop the dog, favoring his own wound.

 

Jade runs away with “Scruffy” in her arms as Ratso gives chase to the little girl. It’s about time Chow gets a break from all the pedophilia jokes.

 

By this time, Jackie has knocked the hammer off Ratso’s less-then steely grip and shot-puts it in the direction of a lunging Finn. Ratso whines as he cries out for his hammer like it’s his favorite new toy. Just as Finn’s about to feel the pain of magical steel, the hammer retreats right back to Ratso’s grip. A huge smile plastered over his face, Ratso excitedly reports his findings to Finn and Chow, and the remaining two reach out their hands to summon back their abandoned Chakra and Tong Fu. The warriors are back to rock and roll on Jackie’s heinie. Jackie sweats bullets.

 

Jackie runs off from the soaring missiles of weaponry as Finn, Ratso and Chow, side by side, control the movement of their weapons against the Chan Man. Ratso declares this to be something out of his favorite video games. But unfortunately the momentum of the weapons is not as controllable and with a careful leap and duck, Jackie avoids the weapons as they all aim dead set at the Dark Chi Warriors, who explode and vanish into clouds of blue smoke.

 

Holding the wee tramp, Jade’s in glee at Jackie’s victory until a fuzzy bolt from Wong’s scepter snakes over Jade and the dog, dragging them both to his direction. Before Wong can commit pedophilia (or other crimes we dare not mention), Uncle rescues his grandniece by whipping a magical bolt of his own around the evil chi wiz-ard, bonding Wong to the point where Wong submits and blows into nothingness. Jade and the little tramp fall to the green grass as Uncle arrives, triumphantly blowing the trace of good chi from a gecko like it’s a gun. Uncle proclaims, “I may be an old dog, but I have new tricks!” Oh yeah, no normal human being would ever call themselves a dog.

 

At Section 13, Jackie Chan talks to Captain Black while the newest inhabitant, the immortal tramp, playfully frolics across the elite base with a merry Jade as a new playmate (guess Ruby‘s getting very jealous by now). Uncle explains that until all 12 animals’ powers can be relocated to new vessels, they must all be found and located in Section 13. Daolon Wong shall not interfere in the secret base anymore so long as chi spells are applied and maintained inside. Uncle then whaps his fingers on Jackie and urges him to get cracking, because 11 more animals need their aid. Jackie groans, still regretting the day he has used a laser cannon. And that is all the more reason why Jackie Chan should NEVER play with guns.

 

A

 

Neat little way to begin the new story arc for Jackie Chan Adventures, this can’t be rated too highly since it is merely a prologue for things to come. The Enforcers playing Dark Chi Warriors, though, sounds extremely fun and definitely will add up to huge expectations for more of Finn, Chow and Ratso’s wicked comedy. Valmont has a new VA who isn’t Julian Sands; I can’t say much about this casting decision except Valmont sounds a little gruffer and not quite as collected as when voiced by Sands. Daolon Wong still retains that oddball sense of villainy that’s easily making him enemy of the year, but the Dark Chi Warriors will present an excellent foil. “It’s the drummer from Kiss.” Oh, I just can’t get enough of that!

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 55…VIVA LAS JACKIES- The episode which, in correct Spanish grammar, would be entitled “VIVAN LOS Jackies”, begins with Jackie, Jade and Uncle venturing cross country on a bland blue vehicle used only for journeys across the States but never for traveling around the Chans’ home town of San Francisco, California. Gasoline prices continue to be a problem in this country, after all. The interior of the car isn’t looking any rosier either, as the reeking vapors of Uncle’s latest locator spell are compelling Jackie and Jade to leave open the windows and give the whiffs a slap or two every few seconds. Too bad no one’s brought nose plugs. Jackie is questioning whether Uncle’s locator spell, a stinking sock, is actually working its wonders to finding the Tiger Talisman. Jackie’s got a good point there, since the sock makes the least sense of all the locator spells in the entire season. In reply, Uncle sternly warns Jackie, “Never mock the sock,” and thinks he’s right as rain when it comes to finding the Tiger. If Jackie refuses to drive because of an endless stench in the vehicle, then the forces of darkness might as well come raining down the Chans’ party for good. Jade then complains that it’s not like the forces of darkness are on the receiving end of this spell.

 

Indeed they’re not, but only a few feet away, we do see a stinky vehicle occupied by the Dark Chi Warriors and their latest employer, Daolon Wong. Wong is concocting a whiff-filled locator spell on his trusty golden cauldron. Deja Vu. His three minions, naturally, are being tortured by the stench. Finn then decides to change the subject of the spell (and the smell) by addressing to Daolon Wong that maybe the DCWs could use a facelift. He’s grateful that he’s been given superpowers but complains that he looks like someone out of a boy band. I don’t recall Backstreet Boys or N’Sync having orange skin, red hair, or big bulky muscles, Finn. Compared to you, they’re girly wimps. Ratso happily replies that the DCWs look like Kiss. Only by the color of their costumes, Ratso. Ever the pessimist, Chow thinks being DCWs is being a bunch of circus freaks. Right on, Chow. Heck, maybe you guys should be part of Barnum & Bailey’s, I hear circuses could use some superstars by now.

 

Angry that he has not been allowed to speak for quite some time, Daolon Wong declares that they must stay one step ahead of the “accursed” old man that is Uncle and his troupe of lucky bastards. While Wong is ranting on, the car moves up to the side of Jackie’s own vehicle. Jackie gives a nonchalant stare at the car before he gasps and takes another look to make sure he’s not seeing a mirage. Just as Wong finishes his sentence, the Dark Chi Warriors are staring at him, mouths gawking. Wong asks what the deuce they want with him. Is he looking sexy from their angle or something? From his vehicle, Uncle quickly screams that it’s Daolon Wong. Immediately, Ratso and Finn leap into the Chan vehicle to turn it into scrap metal.

 

Jackie Chan & Uncle w/ Jade vs. Daolon Wong & The Dark Chi Warriors [NR]- Too short to be rated. Finn tries sawing through the roof while Ratso tries hammering his way in, though Jackie drives maniacally to make the DCWs’ efforts a bit more daunting. Wong snaps at Chow to lend an extra hand to his buddies. Chow can’t argue, so he leaps off the driver’s seat to provide assistance. Uncle and Daolon meet face to face and are about to do a never-gonna-be-a-classic standoff with magical beams when Jackie stamps the brakes on his car before he’d send it crashing off a cliff. Finn, Ratso and Chow are jolted out of the roof and into oblivion. Seeing nobody driving the car, Daolon realizes the error of his ways as the vehicle falls over the edge. Grumbling to himself, Daolon whisks himself out of the car and into safety. Finn reminds his buddies that they’ve got superpowers, and each warrior manages to will himself into landing safely to the ground. Just as the DCWs are relieved, the vehicle falls flat and out they go. That injury must’ve seriously tampered with their magic. The DCWs have been falling to their “deaths” ever since.

 

The Chan vehicle continues crossing the road until Uncle’s locator spell has finally ascertained their next location. Jackie reads a sign right next to him and is in disbelief; the tiger is in Las Vegas! And Jade has a good inkling which tiger it is; there’s no other tiger in the Vegas show business except Sasha the albino. I smell a parody here....

 

At a motel oddly similar (both inside and out) to the one in “Rabbit Run” (it’s a small world after all), Jackie and Uncle are exchanging sentences while Jade does monkey business jumping on a bed. I suppose Jade will love making bedsprings squeak once she and Hsi Wu get it on. Jackie asks Uncle how he should negotiate with Sasha’s owners. The direct approach, as Jackie has known very well in prior experiences, has only delayed missions by a day too many. Uncle replies at his nephew that he ought to figure that out himself; Uncle already has enough duties at hand by concocting locator spells, and yet again another spell must be concocted. Jade wants to come with Jackie, but Jackie replies, “What part of Daolon Wong do you not understand?” as he leaves a grumbling Jade in the motel room. One part of Daolon Wong that Jackie does not understand is that Wong’s got chi magic and three Dark Chi Warriors. It’s safe to say Jackie’s letting himself get outnumbered.

 

Soon, at a live show, Sasha is being accompanied by her two trainers, Helmut and Ulf, both of whom clearly speak in those German accents people enjoy mocking at since listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Obviously, these two trainers are hilarious rips from the famous Siegfried & Roy tandem. Helmut and Ulf act benevolent to their gentle Sasha, and after a couple of tricks that should be carrying the same price tag as a show in a zoo (but tons more expensive), the show gets a curtain call and a good applause from the crowd. I’d be going backstage to demand my money back.

 

Back at the motel, Uncle calls room service for a supply of ingredients that would make great material for “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not!” Uncle begins quarreling on the phone about eel saliva, and Jade, ever feeling alone, decides to take advantage of the quarreling. She tells Uncle that if he wants her to go off, then he should speak real loudly. Obviously not hearing his grandniece, Uncle yells at the phone, and Jade merrily runs off. Clever idea, although Jade could simply run off and Uncle still wouldn’t notice.

 

Backstage, Helmut and Ulf keep their tiger locked in her golden cage while talking to Jackie Chan. Lacking creativity in his brain, Jackie asks kindly to be given Sasha the tiger from her owners. This is another reason why Jackie could use Jade real badly in his missions. She is the Chans' greatest negotiator. Helmut and Ulf stare at each other and laugh their asses off. Okay, Jackie Chan, from which ancient era do you REALLY belong to? Helmut and Ulf thank Jackie for the comedy skit and are about to walk off when Jackie comes up with Plan B; telling Helmut and Ulf that they will be in grave danger unless Sasha is given to him. Holy s*it, this just keeps getting worse. Growing tense, Helmut and Ulf quickly take Jackie’s Plan B as extortion, of which Jackie quickly denies vehemently. Helmut and Ulf then demand the Chan Man from who exactly would this threat belong to. Jackie meekly replies a dark chi wizard. No wonder Jackie keeps fighting so much; he’s always aggravating people with the wrong words.

 

Mercifully, Helmut and Ulf are not fighters. A red paint job would be a wake-up call to the police anyway. Instead, a meaty, bald-headed security guard pushes Jackie to the back alleys. Jackie is of course standing there waiting for something or someone to electrify his dim bulb. He actually gets his bulb brightened by meeting some dim bulbs themselves. The joke? These guys are wearing Elvis costumes, right down to the Tennessee accent (though it’s hard to tell whether that’s blue suede shoes they’ve got), and no doubt the Elvis impersonators are invited in by the guard.

 

Moments later, Jackie Chan arrives to the door sporting sunglasses, a large hairdo, and perhaps the best looking costume he’s ever worn. Too bad it’s not his own fashion statement, but The King’s. Happy that the guard permits him in, Jackie sports his best impersonation to tell the guard, “Thank you, thank you very much.” The guard has no idea that line sports a double meaning.

 

Taking off the sunglasses and the do, Jackie begins walking across the stage to figure out Sasha’s whereabouts when he stamps over a trapdoor and falls right down inside the cage. Now why in the world would there be a trapdoor sending someone automatically falling to meet a tiger? Fortunately, Sasha is a very tame tiger and does not eat Jackie for supper. It would like some well-prepared dishes, mind you. Jackie tries being gentle with Sasha to take her to Section 13. Of course, she’s a lot bigger than Jackie’d wish a gentle animal to be. The Chan Man has little choice but to tie a chain to her collar and tug her out of the cage. Unfortunately, though, Jackie gives her a yank too many, and instantly the Tiger Talisman inside each of her eyes splits (!) in half. You would think that, being no longer a stone, the talisman would not be able to split, but apparently the spirit of the talisman still remembers being bitten in half by an old hick at a pie-eating contest. That’s some pretty good memory from the spirit, albeit too good for Chan’s good.

 

There’s an instant flash across the cage and when Jackie comes to, he has one hand a really playful Sasha who likes licking him. But in the remaining hand is a psychotic b*tch of a Sasha with her jaws all razor sharp and ready. Interestingly enough, both Sashas have on them the same chain around their neck. Wonder if there’s a ying and a yang to the same chain? What I can tell is that the two halves of Sasha remind me of two halves of a housekeeping mother; on one side is that part that has become accustomed to being submissive and letting her master control her, while on the other side is that person who’s been wondering what the hell’s she done to deserve being relegated in the first place.

 

Jackie’s about to die the way of prey when in comes Jade to pull open the cage door and let Jackie out. The Good Sasha also escapes in the process, though that’s better than letting go of the teeth-gnashing other who’s hoping to punish someone. Having no time to question Jade’s disobedience (does he ever?), Jackie tells his niece that they must get Good Sasha if they want a total Sasha.

 

Just as the Chans leave, Helmut and Ulf go over to play with their nice Sasha. Of course, the Sasha they invite themselves to wants human flesh, and the wits of Helmut and Ulf literally leave their bodies as this Sasha growls and goes on the prowl across the concrete jungle.

 

Not too far away, Jackie and Jade are opening doors to find Sasha. Jackie tries his impression of sounding like a little kitty-cat. Good impression, but unless Sasha has little cubs, I don’t think it will help that much. What do you know, Bad Sasha has found two plump Asians on her menu, plus they’re the ones that wouldn’t let her leave the cage. Dinner and revenge at once. Can it get any sweeter?

 

The Good Sasha comes back and wants to play ball with her trainers, who of course want none of her, and in total fright the two trainers end up locking themselves behind the cage. Later, the German trainers realize that they haven’t brought any keys in their pocket, and this is not a cage match they’re hoping to have.

 

As Jackie and Jade scramble out of the building to escape the Bad Sasha, the Good Sasha again shows up, apparently wanting some human to just get her ball bouncing. Jackie capitalizes at the right moment by jumping in between the two tigers and clutching the chains leashed to their collars. The stressed out Sashas begin infusing their talisman energy into Chan, whose body is vibrating like he’s about to become a human bomb. Jade doesn’t want her uncle to be literally explosive, so immediately she knocks Jackie from clutching the leashes, and the tigers quickly dash off to different directions.

 

Much to Jade’s shock, her uncle Jackie’s been vibrated to the point where he has two heads in the same body! One head, clearly that of the mischievous Tiger, is fretful at seeing the head of bashful Pussycat, dubbing him a zit that needs popping. Jade figures that the two Sashas’ energies must’ve tried splitting Jackie into two, but her interference has got the job half done. She tells the two headed Chan to get a move on, now that the tigers will be needed more than ever.

 

Jackie and Jade are momentarily halted by the entrances of Daolon Wong and the Dark Chi Warriors. In a most classic moment, Finn, Ratso and Chow are posing behind Daolon Wong like they’re ready to get a spread in some hunk magazine. If Finn’s complaining about looking like part of a boy band, then why is he following the gimmick? These bad guys will do anything to look sexy. Too bad the only monster who’s succeeded in this is Hsi Wu. The Dark Chi Warriors are baffled seeing Jackie’s other head, so Daolon Wong urges them to remember the mission and get the tiger. As the DCWs chase after the Chans and Sasha, Daolon Wong senses something coming from the building right in front of him.

 

Wong transports himself into a stage where a lazy Sasha is resting peaceably after quite a romp with her ball. The Dark Chi Wiz-ard glowers a toothy smile at the sight of his finding.

 

Jackie and Jade are lost in keeping their eyes out on the other Sasha. In a most priceless moment, the head of Pussycat suggests to Tiger that they should split up. Tiger drolly replies, “So now I’ve got the brains.” HAHAHA!

 

Daolon Wong slowly opens up his palm to suck up the Tiger Talisman off of Sasha and be done with. However, his palm refuses to obey him. Daolon questions how could the tiger have been sensed yet be unable to transfer her power to him. The Jeff Hardy fan receives a hook-up with Finn, and Wong’s eyes turn pitch black with Finn’s face in each of them. The Dark Chi Warrior’s faces show up on Wong’s eyes whenever they’re speaking. Kind of like the oldest but most spectacular version of a vidphone. During the conversation, it becomes clear that Sasha has split in two and Daolon Wong only has the Good Sasha, which means he needs the whole Sasha to get a whole, workable talisman. He orders his men to do the logical.

 

(Gaffe squad: Daolon Wong declares that the Good Sasha is the yin. Now, anyone with a fair knowledge of Taoism would know that the yang is the side that marks peace, while yin marks more malicious characteristics. Therefore, Bad Sasha is the yin. Ironically enough, men are associated with yang while women are associated with yin. Daolon Wong’s not good at remembering his chi lessons. Maybe that’s why he’s such a bad guy; he must’ve been a delinquent chi school dropout.)

 

The Tiger and Pussycat team up and with Jade’s help, a tote bag is put as a muzzle over Bad Sasha’s fangs and an intimidating growl by Tiger tames the beast. The Chans are all smiles, but then in comes Finn and his buddies, threatening Jackie to give them the tiger or he will lose the smile on his “faces”. Tiger entrusts Jade to take care of Sasha, and naturally the little Chan ends up riding on the tiger. Tiger, Pussycat, and a tiger named Sasha....Now all we need are cat versions of Jade and Valmont, and we could get another cat-themed episode!

 

The Tiger & The Pussycat vs. The Dark Chi Warriors [*****+]- A total classic, almost up there with the fight scenes in Jackie Chan movies. The props in the casino background are used to perfection here and the pace is maddening. The Tiger and the Pussycat have battled in an outstanding matchup before (against each other), but this one beats their previous efforts. Thrilling spot-fest kicks off with the 2-headed Chan kicking the DCWs all over the place. Tiger tells Pussycat to grab a box of tokens so he can throw them like bullets to rain down on Chow’s staff-spinning offense. Finn tries sawing the two-face, and the heads both move sideways just in time to avoid the chakra. The two-in-one tag team counters by lobbing a roulette wheel at Finn. Sweet. Ratso is also met with a great double team head butt during this bombastic fight. Finn retrieves the advantage via a somersault leg drop (Houston Hangover in the WWE) and in seconds Chan is smashed through a wall and down for the count. Actually, I’m glad that Finn, Ratso and Chow actually win a match for once. The DCWs snatch the Bad Sasha and go poof. Even tight-lipped Tiger bemoans this is bad news, especially if this means he’ll be stuck with a whining head next to him for life.

 

Tiger and the Pussycat walk with Jade while at the same time getting a call to Uncle. Amazingly, no one’s looking in astonishment at the two. Uncle begins yelling about room service being so lousy for not providing him any eel saliva. Tiger growls to the phone that Uncle ought to pull his tongue out and use his spit to get some. Uncle’s reaction to this is priceless. Pussycat immediately apologizes for the rudeness, and then he gets into an argument with Tiger. Uncle yells out on the phone, demanding to know why Jackie sounds like an asylum patient. Both Jackies reply that it’s because they have two heads. Uncle’s expression clearly shows that he believes this. Jade grabs the phone and says there are also two tigers under the forces of darkness. A locator spell must be needed right away.

 

At the golden cage, Helmut and Ulf are unsuccessfully reaching for the keys from several feet away. They’ve tied up all available clothes save their skivvies to get to the keys but remain stuck in embarrassment city. This sight is just SO gay and so funny.

 

Back at the building of Sasha’s show, Daolon Wong shows his pride at finally getting the Tiger Talisman. The Dark Chi Warriors probably aren’t as glad. All their time in Las Vegas is being spent on gambling their own lives and getting physically hurt by casino paraphernalia. No showgirls, no bets, no alcohol, no sin, no fun! And it’s not about to get any more fun for the forces of darkness, because here comes Uncle, who has decidedly made a locator spell in time to lead Jackie and Jade into the fray of action. The two-headed Chanster grabs the chains carrying both tigers and the talisman transfer occurs again. This time, the transfer is completed and Jackie is split into two different Chans, though in the midst of this the Elvis costume is no more and they’re back wearing blue shirts and beige pants. Ah, the wonders of talisman magic.

 

The Tiger, The Pussycat & Uncle w/Jade vs. Daolon Wong & The Dark Chi Warriors [****3/4]- While not quite the caliber of the midcard event, this fight still aims to please. The Korean-American director is a real expert at animating an action sequence. Uncle and Daolon Wong deliver perhaps their most (if not only) entertaining clash of magical beams, as it cleverly resembles an epic gunfight without bullets. Uncle says something about replacing eel saliva with mayonnaise in his spells. The guy ought to get his own show on the Food Network to tell us how to make magic from the stuff in our refrigerator. That way, we won’t have to waste food.

 

While Tiger is tussling with Ratso and Finn, Pussycat steps on Chow’s staff. The neurotic ex-Enforcer pulls back his tong fu and is met with it in the process. Tiger lands a terrific kick to knock Ratso into a control panel, opening the match to a crowd of spectators expecting Helmut and Ulf. Pussycat then runs from Finn’s chakra and even hangs onto trapezes to evade it. The crowd applauds Pussycat and thinks he must be the newest audition to Cirque De Soleil. So where are the two German dolts and their tiger?

 

Yet again, the writers have fun finding new ways to kill off the Dark Chi Warriors. Chow is mauled by the Bad Sasha, Finn is blown up when he’s standing on a pyrotechnical tower, and Ratso gets a Big Boot Sandwich from Tiger and the Pussycat.

 

Daolon Wong actually overpowers Uncle in the “gunfight” by tossing a tornado at him. He then tries garnering the two halves of the same power into both his palms, but Uncle, while winded, still has his brains. He points each Jackie to a different Sasha. He wants Tiger to get the Good Sasha and Pussycat to get the Bad Sasha. What this means is that the ying meets yang and vice versa. This magnetic absorption results in the Chans and Sashas reuniting together, and who else falls dead center to their collision but Daolon Wong! Sasha becomes a single tiger and the Chans, much as Tiger refuses to, are fused back into the one and only Chan Man, who‘s just glad to be single (though perhaps not glad to be unmarried at 35). Not since “Tale of the Demon Tail” have two great action scenes been in a single episode. Bravo!

 

The crowd claps just as Jackie incidentally activates the golden cage carrying Helmut and Ulf, still left in their undies, into the stage. The two trainers smile bashfully and wave helplessly at the overwhelming applause directed at them. They don’t know whether they’re in heaven or in hell. The two trainers see Jackie Chan and beg him to take Sasha away from them, still reeling from the traumatic experience of apparently failing to train the tiger as briskly as they’ve thought they could. Helmut and Ulf agree that they could settle with a dancing bear. Jade thinks at least Helmut and Ulf won’t get anymore trauma with animals, since no bears exist in the Chinese Zodiac.

 

A+++

 

The BEST JCA episode in Season 3 by far! Top notch humor all the way and featuring two red-blooded set pieces few episodes can compare to. You can’t go wrong too when the Tiger and the Pussycat are involved, as the gimmick adds to rather than subtracts from the fun of the story. “Viva Las Jackies” indeed!