Episode 50…SHRINK RAP- Jackie’s climbing up corridors in an ancient Hindu temple when he sees two empty holes appropriate for looking through them. Much to his horror, he sees everyone’s favorite animalistic baddie, Hak Foo, also on an expedition of his own. It turns out, surprises of surprises, that Jackie Chan’s inside a hollow statue that is carrying a pair of archaeological treasures; the Bands of Shiva. (Shudder here.) And, surprises of surprises, both Chan and Foo seek the finds as well. Trying to voice Shiva, Jackie bellows to Hak Foo not to steal the bands. It doesn’t take long for Hak Foo to figure even goddesses don’t got Adam’s apples....

 

Jackie Chan vs. Hak Foo (NR)- Jackie and Foo nearly clash furiously on a waterwheel, but Foo leaps onto the wheel, so the added weight ends up making him roll helplessly with a stray wheel. Jackie walks off as a human hamster gets the wrong side of the wheel over and over again. Hopefully, the wheel will teach Hak Foo to shed a couple of pounds.

 

At Uncle’s Rare Finds, Jade is preparing a disappearing spell that she hopes can make Paco disappear from the show. Okay, so maybe not, but in case The Enforcers come running into the shop again, they’re welcome to be her first customers. To test the spell, Jade applies a handful of powder towards a sandwich and blows it in the desired direction. The sandwich is absent without leave, and Jade is perky.

 

Jackie returns with the Bands of Shiva for Uncle to research. Meanwhile, Tohru is baking cookies nearby the oven, for once coming up with better recipes than those for tea.

 

As Jackie and Uncle talk together, Uncle suddenly pierces a cry to the air when suddenly his Mung Bean sandwich is gone. It doesn’t take long before Jade innocently tells her elder that cookies would make a fine lunch. Uncle doesn’t quite like the concept; if he eats Tohru’s cookies instead, he’ll run the risk of raising his cholesterol level.

 

Inadvertently, Hak Foo, flaming haired and blue costumed, arrives into the shop, yet again carrying his 10-finger discounts to claim the Bands of Shiva at the affordable price of zero dinero. Never the advocate for the adage “ somethin’ for nothin’ ”, Jackie carries the bands around his belt and then takes it to the stratosphere (what’s available in the shop, anyway) for another go at the Black Tiger.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Hak Foo (NR)- Uncle didn’t even try to grab his broom. He tells Hak Foo that he’s going to pay for the mess...literally. Hak Foo doesn’t like those comments, so when Tohru arrives to check out the chaos, he grabs the sumo and nails Uncle to the floor with him!

 

About half a minute into the bout, Jade figures a little blow from her Disappearing Spell will make Hak Foo go good-bye too! “Xia Xu, Xia Xu, Hak Foo!” But just as the powder swirls around Hak, Jackie pins him down adamantly for the magic to take effect. Jade cries out loud as both Jackie and Hak Foo are rendered absent from the shop!

 

Or are they? Moments later, Jackie and Hak Foo rev up for another slobberknocker until the back of Hak Foo’s head is nailed by the tip of a colossal....shoe? (Amazing. The size and the velocity of the shoe could’ve beheaded Hak Foo and they don’t!) Ironically sounding silent to everyone, Jackie screams the loudest he could as he sees the shoe belonging to a suddenly behemoth Uncle! The Chan Man’s become a tiny Chan!

 

Uncle, Tohru and Jade begin conversing to one another after the abrupt presence of Hak Foo has been subsided. To Jackie, their voices sound like a thousand boom boxes amplifying their words. A panicked Jade explains that Jackie Chan has disappeared from a spell incidentally cast onto him. Ever alert and patient, Uncle asks Jade to identify the spell she’s used, and so the girl words out the text and even its appropriate page. Uncle asks Jade if any direction has been applied. Jade quietly shakes her head. Uncle turns to Jade and bellows that disappearing spells require a location for anything or anyone to disappear to. Since a location has not been used for Jackie’s sake, the process of bringing him back into the shop will be a most daunting task. Uncle asks Tohru to get an eye of wombat to cast the spell....Didn’t know some Asian spells actually require the aid of Australian specimens....

 

Meanwhile, a barely-there series of squeaks occur from Jackie as he tries calling out to his relatives and the sumo for help. He wants to let them know; he hasn’t disappeared; he’s just shrunken! Unfortunately for the Chan Man, the only individual who understands his current crisis is also the man who doesn’t care about it; Hak Fooey! Just as Jackie figures that the cell phone inside his pocket can work to his advantage, the Black Tiger spears Jackie and demolishes the phone into dust. Hak Foo adamantly tells Jackie he'll get to the Bands of Shiva, even if it means being an absolute dot in the whole dang universe!

 

The Black Tiger blazes across the floor to claim the Bands of Shiva for his own! Jackie runs off at the speed of lightning, which, in his state, is just the kind of speed exerted by a crawling ant. Jackie leaps onto Tohru’s stinky feet and holds on his stance (and his breath) for the feet haven’t been washed up very well.

 

Managing to stop at the kitchen, Jackie gets up at the counter and figures yelling his loudest will only warrant a loss of voice. He sees a toothpick and a napkin at the kitchen, and a big light bulb pops from his tiny brain. Chan tears a piece off the napkin, attaches it to the toothpick and waves a makeshift flag to catch Tohru’s attention. Once again, he catches the wrong man’s attention.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Hak Foo (***)- Chan and Foo start the match by swinging toothpicks like mean staffs to beat the crap out of each other. Foo gets the upper advantage and kicks Jackie next to a pepper shaker. Jackie keeps a good distance by knocking a puff of pepper into Foo, who whacks it off but is rewarded with a sneeze. Jackie runs off until Foo catapults the Chan Man off a spatula.

 

Both men scramble across until Tohru decides to ready a batch of cookies so a restless Uncle need not rescue Jackie on an empty stomach. Well, Jackie and Hak Foo both end up splashing onto the pools of dough, and then they grab each other frightfully as they realize Tohru’s unknowingly giving them a free tour inside the Chan oven! Immediately, the two enemies ditch the tray and barely find sanctuary in Tohru’s hands. But the sanctuary is merely brief, because Tohru proceeds to wash his hands in soapy water. Jackie and Hak Foo float off the pools of water as they are encased in lofty bubbles. Take about taking to the stratosphere here.

 

Utilizing a series of bottles and magical potions, Uncle calls forth a vortex to deliver what has been lost. The vortex replies by spewing a sock and a box kite. Tohru sobs happily as he sees the kite of his childhood back in his hands, while Uncle realizes how grateful the vortex is for giving him his lost sock. Jade soon plays realist and tells Uncle that Jackie is still the apparent no-show.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Hak Foo (NR)- Classic JCA humor. As Jackie floats off, Hak Foo gives chase and collides his bubble right into the Chan Man’s. A red-hot Foo catapults a blistering punch right into Jackie’s bubble, but he only succeeds in bursting his own bubble. The Black Tiger yelps as he falls into an earthen pot with a clink!

 

 

By this time, Uncle presumes Jackie must have been banished into an otherworldy realm, so he opens a rift in hopes that Jackie will arrive. All that falls is a bizarre sentient fish who speaks courteously in an English accent. The fish walks over to Jade patiently before opening a huge set of choppers toward her. Jade screams her heart-pounding best as Uncle sends the fish packing back to his realm. After this, Tohru might as well get a club going for fish-haters.

 

Jackie’s bubble finally bursts as it eventually sends Chan bouncing right into the magical text used by Jade. Uncle closes the text and leaves it right next to Jade’s laptop.

 

While Uncle continues a freak show in his own shop, Jackie notices the laptop and quickly leaps over the appropriate keyboards, signaling Jade that he is right on her computer. But after managing to break free from the imprisoning pot, Hak Foo arrives and stamps on the delete button, before proceeding to hop across the keyboard after Jackie. The coincidental result is a jumbled message that only confuses Jade more once she sees it. (By the way, I swear the result reads like this; XLIPIDUCHEROUCAL. I don’t know if this is a subliminal message, but Hak Foo couldn’t possibly type this as he hops over the keyboard. The “X” key is near the bottom left corner, not the upper right corner, where he first stands. Or maybe this keyboard’s the cheap kind with its keys making nada sense. This may explain why Jade hasn’t done so good at school lately.)

 

Once again evading Hak Foo, Jackie sees Jade slumped on a chair and regretting that her worries themselves aren’t in a state of disappearance. A larger-than-life light-bulb shines on Jackie’s head and he grabs a piece of paper and a rubber band. Stretching the rubber band against a corner of a book, Jackie sling-shoots himself and glides with the paper into Jade’s ear, but at the wrong moment, Tohru calls Jade to move from her seat so that he can clean the pot shards on the floor. Jackie loses his direction, and at the flight of the moment he begins to fall down to the floor of incisive pot shards!

 

Jackie is grateful that Tohru’s never slimmed down, because it is through the sumo’s bulky build that Jackie manages to grab onto Tohru’s pants and prevent himself from going splat. Taking note that he’s now on Tohru, Jackie takes the initiative to go inside Tohru’s ear so the sumo can hear him loud and clear.

 

At a loss for new ideas, Uncle is rereading the text containing the disappearance spell, but the old man discovers that Jade’s made a mistake! It turns out that two pages in the text have been stuck together, which means Jade has combined two different methods to create a different kind of spell; a spell that shrinks anyone to the size of an ant!

 

Jade exclaims that Jackie’s not really gone at all, but she yelps as she leaps onto a seat, fearing that Jackie’s gone to Squashville. Along with Jackie’s niece, Uncle and Tohru hold up their shoes to see if anything on their soles is reminiscent of human roadkill.

 

Jackie reaches the cavern of Tohru’s ear and takes the fantastic voyage and make his voice known. He hears that Uncle will prepare a spell that’ll bring Jackie Chan back to his 5-foot frame. Jackie is glad, but immediately surmises that if he stays in Tohru’s ear, the sumo’s life will be in great danger. Just in time, the Black Tiger climbs his way in as well and snatches the Bands of Shiva at last! Hak Foo activates the bands and he is soon bestowed an extra pair of arms. Jackie tries reasoning with Foo that while an extra pair of pythons is quite dandy, what should be more important is leaving the sumo’s ear to take the fight to the outside. But Hak Foo feels this is a good day to take his two worst enemies on a stairway to heaven! In no time flat, Tohru’s ear starts twitching.....

 

Jackie Chan vs. Hak Foo (****)- A finale worth a hundred laughs. The two competitors lock arms and legs against one another. Their chaotic dance compels a goaded Tohru to push an ominous finger in his hearing apparatus and wind it around to stop the weird itch. Jackie and Foo flee for deeper territory, where they again attempt to pound each other, only to pound the surfaces of Tohru’s ear some more. Jackie takes his miniature extremities to the max as he consistently parries Foo’s wide array of lethal arms and ferocious legwork. Unable to score a critical hit, the two spew trash left and right so audibly that Tohru starts wondering if baking cookies has given him paranoia side effects. Jade just thinks Tohru has REALLY strong feelings for Jackie. Wonder what that means?

 

After Chan serves him the Saturday Special called Tohru’s ear wax, an enraged Foo grabs Chan with intense four-play (pun intended). The fighters tousle and drop right down Tohru’s canal just as Uncle announces that the spell’s been accomplished. Jackie screams that he’s inside Tohru’s head, of which Tohru figures that Jackie is actually IN his head!

 

Uncle logically deduces there’s not enough space for Jackie to fit in Tohru’s head. Tohru can’t believe he‘s not insane in the membrane, but that his brain‘s gonna wane! Gladly, because of their drop, Jackie and Foo are interfering with the sumo’s nose. His nose shuddering uneasily, Tohru blows a huge sneeze that sends two humans flying to the floor of the shop, fully grown!

 

Hak Foo gets up and readies his four arms (get it? FOUR arms? Never mind...) against the rest of Jackie’s crew. But since Foo is at a fair distance, Jade grabs a whiff of shrinking powder and reverts the Black Tiger back into a Black Speck!

 

Landing on Jade’s palm, a tiny Foo curses squeakily as Jade places a glass to trap him. (Hopefully Jade doesn’t keep that glass on Hak Foo; I don’t think it has air holes, and the Bands of Shiva can‘t prevent suffocation.) Jackie rises up as his old self “Shrink Rap”, also known as, “Uncle, I Shrunk My Uncle”. Who says good things come in small packages? Not the Chan Man, that’s for sure!

 

A

 

Great way to “start” the 3rd Season, although technically this is from the 2nd Season. Jackie Chan and Hak Foo fighting as bite-sized heroes blows us away, and so do the antics of Uncle’s magic tricks. Ah yes, that English-speaking fish monster speaks courtesy of the same hombre behind Xiao Fung.

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 51…I’LL BE A MONKEY’S PUPPET- It’s another fine day at San Francisco, which in the contexts of JCA, equals another fine day of magical, mystical mayhem. Jade’s a worry-wart because she has hopes of winning an upcoming talent show at her school. She has tried archery, dancing and flute playing, but it’s evident that if Jade goes along with either of the three, the talent show will end up being a torture show. (Especially if she tries flute-playing. That’ll make Hsi Wu banished AND deaf.)

 

Jackie Chan has a better suggestion; ventriloquism. The Chans enter an antique shop packed with all kinds of Asian antiques, quite similar to Uncle’s shop. But what has caught Jackie’s eyes upon coming here is the puppet of an anthropomorphic monkey. Jackie plays with the puppet and makes the puppet talk in a convincing falsetto. He tells his astounded niece about his childhood experience playing with puppets. The shop’s bald-headed, squinty-eyed proprietor, Kai Ching, sweetens the deal by declaring the puppet to be the only one of its kind. Jackie declares the puppet sold.

 

Inside of the puppet, though, a maniacal, flesh and fur monkey begins chuckling with evil brimming in his voice. It’s a wonder he’s not laughing any louder from staying trapped in such torturous confinements.

 

At Uncle’s Rare Finds, the gray-haired, garlic-smelling proprietor salutes Jackie again to adjust his nephew’s brain cells. He has two reasons against Jackie’s purchase of the monkey puppet. First off, Kai Ching is Uncle’s antique-selling rival, but Uncle insists that Ching’s junk IS just junk. (You would too if you want higher profits). And second of all, the monkey puppet is a depiction of The Monkey King, the master of mischief in all of mythical Asia. It’s no doubt that Uncle would get angry from his nephew’s bad memory of Chinese culture.

 

(Trivia: While it’s true that The Monkey King is a mischievous character, he is not entirely evil. Perhaps the greatest Chinese epic of all time tells that of The Monkey King’s transition from the greedy overlord of monkeys to the heroic, risk-taking Buddha Victorious in Strife. But as we see here, The Monkey King must’ve taken his vanity over the brink yet again.)

 

Jackie stands firm on the defense, reasoning that he’s bought the puppet so as to help Jade win her talent show. Uncle reluctantly accepts the argument, if only because selflessness is a greater virtue than competition. Uncle walks off from the scene.

 

Jade tries handling the Monkey King, but her fingers don‘t know the way into it. Jackie shows Jade how it is done and begins looking behind the puppet. His focus shifts to a batch of chicken-scratches on the puppet, which state that if the leg of the Monkey King is pulled, something fantastic is bound to happen. Jackie and Jade agree about the trinket’s message; it’s worth a try.

 

Jackie sets the Monkey King puppet down on a chair and pulls the leg. All of a sudden, he is enveloped by clouds of glittering purple smoke. You know it’s magic when the smoke isn’t a normal color.

 

Like the genie popping out of his magic lamp, a flesh and fur Monkey King explodes out of the snazzy pompadour, greeting every mortal present a big hello. Treating every second like a dollar, he rushes and sees Tohru the sumo, and asks Uncle and Jade if the walking half-ton of meat is housetrained. The Monkey King in a flash of smoke transforms into a big sumo monkey in a thong, mocking the sumo grunts and growls, even doing a few gestures of sumo wrestling (and why not? The Monkey King’s choice of combat tends to be a cudgel, and with it he’s beaten tons, and I do mean tons, of hand and feet combatants.)

 

Jade doesn’t see any entertainment out of the self-proclaimed King of Comedy. A prissy judge for fighting contests, she demands where Jackie is. Her demand is cut short as she and the other humans gasp breathlessly at the sight of Jackie Chan. The Chan Man’s a wooden Chan! He is nothing more but an unmovable and miniature puppet of his former self.

 

The Monkey King begins crying and shouting to the puppet, “No! What have you done to him, you apes?!” Then he perks up and says he’s just pulling on Chan’s leg, much as Chan has pulled his. MK explains he’s got a list of mischief making to do on his itinerary, and so he cartwheels away out the door with a roll of cackles.

 

Uncle tells Tohru not to let The Monkey King get away with it, so Tohru goes out the door to pound the monkey and eat his brains for breakfast. But the payoff isn’t there, because minutes later Tohru is sent back into the shop as a Jack-in-the-Box. Pride hurt, Tohru meekly requests that nobody laughs at him.

 

Jade is quick to provide a solution to the Woody Chan. Fetching off the Rat Talisman from Section 13, Jade applies the talisman onto the puppet. In moments, the talisman is absorbed into the puppet and it wakes up.

 

Jackie sees Uncle, Jade and Tohru looking curiously at him. He asks them about their odd looks. Uncle bids his nephew not to look in the mirror. Jackie replies by looking at the mirror, and seeing his stocky new self, Jackie screams and trips to the floor. Jackie bemoans that he’ll be a puppet for all eternity, unless Uncle can find a spell to handle this. Uncle makes it clear that he’s not Geppeto, and even then Geppeto couldn’t know how to turn a puppet into a real boy. Jade clasps her hands in a firm resolve, and she grabs her puppet uncle and walks him out the shop.

 

The Monkey King isn’t terribly difficult to locate. He’s spending the better part of the morning bringing raw headless chickens to life and having them dance to his bongo number. Well, it makes sense, sort of, since TMK’s an ovo-lacto vegetarian.

 

When Jade and Jackie meet the crass clown of comedy again, The Monkey King’s riding on a miniature boat across a river of suds from the cleaners. The monkey shouts out he’s King of the World, which means he’s also spent a good amount of time watching “Titanic.” I wonder if he feels Kate Winslet’s nude scene is so voyeuristic....

 

The Monkey King halts as he sees the literal show-stoppers in the way. He knocks on the wooden Jackie, amazed and startled by the puppet’s ability to move like flesh and blood, for he couldn’t do such back in his own puppet form. Jade offers to show TMK how it is done if he drops the chaotic pomp and circumstance. However, TMK replies that his maniacal business is on a roll as he removes a giant plastic donut off the top of a donut shop. The Monkey King jumps into the giant donut and begins rolling the object towards the little folks. Jade and Jackie scream as they run for it.

 

The donut nearly flattens Jade and Jackie in the midst of an empty alleyway, but luckily, a crack on the donut spares the two. Jackie, little wooden self that he is, ricocets off a wall and begins rolling side to side with TMK. The donut departs out of the alley and The Monkey King, donning a pilot’s suit and a backpack, shouts “Mayday!” and activates a parachute, sending him from the rolling plunder.

 

Jackie screams as he is unable to stop the donut, which takes a dunk off a pier and into the ocean. Jade has followed her uncle’s tracks and she pries the puppet out of the briny water. The Monkey King chuckles at the nice show, but still feels he’s always the 24/7 highlight reel. Jade wants the simian wizard to get real, while Jackie tells him that there’s no humor when it’s being paid at the expense of one’s own health. (Jackie sure doesn’t know how this show functions now, does he?) The mean monkey drops the cackling act and whistles forth the bunch of chickens he’s resurrected, all of whom are wearing slick black jackets. Putting on denims and his own black jacket, TMK tells them to cook Jackie’s goose.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Chickens [**3/4]- Let’s get this straight. This is a handicap battle between a wooden puppet expert in kung fu against jacket-wearing, headless chickens who know a thing or two about street fighting. Yeah, it’s kind of like that.....Most likely the weirdest match in JCA’s history. Jade tries for some tag teaming with her puppet of an uncle, but The Monkey King’s got her leg chained and puts a fez on her head. Monkey King begins telling her to dance around like a monkey. Sounds a lot sicker than it looks....

 

The Chickens tear Jackie apart into segments of wood. The Monkey King proclaims that his conclusion is clear; nobody ever tries pulling on his leg and twisting around it in the process. He bids his not-so-fanatic fans and bounces off of cars to weave more mischief in the city.

 

Back at Uncle’s Rare Finds, Tohru has applied an arm into Jackie’s body, making the puppet whole again. Apparently, Jackie is made up of detachable parts, so the damage done by the marauding chickens isn’t permanent. Tohru hospitably asks Jackie if he’d like some varnish to bring the shine back in his skin, er, wood. Jackie shakes his head, since like any normal being, he intends only to return back to flesh and blood.

 

Jackie walks over to Uncle, who is carefully focusing on a chi spell text. Jackie asks the shopkeeper if any spell’s been found yet. Uncle wants Jackie to hold his horses (or whatever he has), because finding a spell to revive Jackie’s form is tasking on his health. Jackie suggests that maybe they should meet Kai Ching and find the antidote in his shop. Not wanting to break the puppet with a two-finger salute, Uncle angrily shouts that Kai Ching’s the reason Jackie’s a puppet. Jackie replies that’s his main point, so if Kai Ching knows about TMK, he probably would know how to handle the simian wizard. Uncle still expresses great distrust in Kai Ching, and only wants Tohru to help him find the proper text.

 

Jackie gives up hope, but not Jade. The younger Chan remembers that tomorrow’s her school talent show, and she has the perfect ploy to finding TMK, and maybe winning the contest.

 

At the school auditorium, Jade sits before the audience and gulps down a glass of water while the puppet Jackie rests on her hands and speaks a joke. The joke is about a horse meeting a dentist who replies, “Why the long face?” I like the joke. The audience does too.

 

The Monkey King, up on the balcony, does not. He’s wearing a dark cloak and a white mask that’s shades of “The Phantom of the Opera”. TMK feels there’s tragedy looming against his ego, and he’s got to rectify it!

 

So down into the stage he goes. The Monkey King immediately declares to the audience that Jade’s little puppet is alive! He apparently doesn’t convince the crowd so well, but rather convinces them that he’s an oddity in himself. Jade whispers to the puppet and drops Jackie like he’s nothing but sticks of wood.

 

The Monkey King sends up a storm of termites onto Jackie, who immediately begins dancing about, shocking the audience and not even making them laugh. There’s gotta be something in the popcorn, they must be thinking.

 

Stripping whatever entertainment’s come out of the puppet show, TMK holds up a giant top hat and pulls a rabbit-eared Jade, who mutters at having her show topped. The audience laughs it up, and The Monkey King joyfully cartwheels away as he permits Jade and Woody Chan to pursue the showstopper. As TMK proudly taunts, “Here’s Chucky!”

 

Tohru groans out loud, having lost his passion of finding books for the whole work day. Uncle seems to remain in adamant spirits, not wishing to hear anything about Kai Ching. Tohru then half-pleads to Uncle whether they should check into Kai Ching’s shop for the sake of Jackie. Uncle sighs in resignation. Like I’ve said, family comes before competition.

 

When the trail of the simian wizard comes to a halt, it turns out Jade and her uncle have been led into a timber factory! Right at the inopportune moment, The Monkey King summons a rope that hooks around Jackie’s leg, and soon he operates a crane to hoist Jackie out of Jade’s reach and towards a woodchipper below! Jade reasons with TMK that destroying Jackie isn’t funny. The Monkey King excuses himself by saying he’s got a weird sense of humor. You know he’s insane if he admits to that.

 

Jackie then recalls that he’s made out of detachable parts. In seconds, Jackie removes his own leg out of the loop and hops off the chipper’s range. In moments, however, Jackie and Jade face an even crazier Monkey King, now armed with a humongous ax that he spins at such velocity it’s hard to believe he couldn’t chop himself at that point. Jade tells Monkey King to look out behind him. Monkey King turns around to see nothing while Jackie and Jade make a momentary retreat. He reads our minds by saying he couldn’t believe he’d fall for that.

 

At Kai Ching’s shop, Uncle complains that Ching has such nerve as to keep his shop open all night long, but Tohru continues to prod the old man for a solution to Jackie’s problem. As they come inside, Kai Ching’s smiley face mutates into a frown, immediately cautious at his only competitor in the local antique business. Tohru immediately speaks up about the problem with the Chan Man, so Ching holds up a book that he will give to Uncle and the sumo under a fair down payment of 200 smackeroos. Uncle’s pinching pennies and is demanding forever for a bargain, so Tohru holds up the right sum for the book. Uncle yells at the sumo for dropping his guard just as Ching’s about to drop his. Uncle wishes.... Tohru reads the $200 answer; The Monkey King has to pull Jackie’s leg for the reversals to take place!

 

Jackie Chan & Jade vs. The Monkey King [***]- TMK gets busy chopping logs all over the place. At one point, the Chans go along for the ride on a single log, which gets TMK all steamed up because he only wants monkeys with beards and green eyes to do that...such as him. Having received Tohru’s invaluable info on Jackie needing his leg pulled, the Chans eventually find themselves trapped inside an operating cement factory. Jade looks up at the tub of pouring cement at the core of the factory. She quickly comes up with the brightest idea in her life since using the Tiger Talisman to find Seymour.

 

Entering the factory, The Monkey King drops the logger act in favor of his old costume and a massive hammer. Guess that means he’s lost his age-old love for cudgels. He hears the voice of Jackie talking about some kind of plan. Always one to favor his plans over all others, the simian wizard lunges up to the top floors but fails to notice the voice is being amplified by Jackie talking from atop the ceiling. In seconds, the puppet Chan nails a big (scuse me, little) boot that sends TMK crashing through the tub of wet cement!

 

Right at that moment, Jade offers her hand of help to The Monkey King. The Monkey King stays on the cement, accepting the offer, which is rather strange because you’d think he’d be magical enough to escape the tub. But this guy has admitted to a weird sense of humor, so no doubt his logic’s got to be strange. Unable to reach with her bare hands, Jade applies a block so she can pull TMK out of a fate as a stone statue. The helplessness is indeed a trick, as The Monkey King cockily pulls the block from Jade’s hand. But Jade wisely lets go of the block, revealing before The Monkey King that he has pulled the wooden puppet leg of Jackie! The Monkey King screams of his unfunny doom as he and the puppet Chan are pulled together in a whirlwind of magic....

 

Standing above the rim of the cement tub, a flesh-and-blood Jackie Chan proudly holds The Monkey King in one arm and flicks the Rat Talisman to Jade.... GASP! Jackie actually gives a talisman to his niece! But I guess coming back as a live being’s made Jackie a little, well, wooden in the head....for the time being.

 

A++1/2

 

Extremely fun episode, definitely the best of the three “Rat Talisman” plots JCA’s come up with by far. The madcap insanity that makes up 2/3s of this show’s success is juiced to the max for this episode. The Monkey King harks back to the glorious old days of stretch and squash cartoons, back when shameless cartoon heroes like Bugs Bunny and the creations of Tex Avery are the norm. Great to know that even in today’s world of action adventures and product placements, JCA can come up with its own take on some of the most provocative, if not most innovative cartoons of our time. Of all the characters in JCA who can come up with his own spinoff, this Monkey King edges close to the grand prize.

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 52…THE AMAZING T-GIRL- Alarms are blaring in Section 13 and so up goes Captain Angus Black (back from the living dead, trust me) and Jackie Chan. The security vault for Section 13 is being modified as the plans are supervised by government flea Hersch, the man in charge of the modifications. Hersch ponders in consternation about the octagonal stones stored inside the vault. Of all the things an elite base can hide, what in the name of FBI would Section 13 be doing keeping trinkets from the public eye? Jade Chan arrives and tells him matter-of-factly that those stones are Level 3 Classified, of which Captain Black ups the ante by supporting the claim. But Hersch adds in that talismans do not qualify for Level 3 Classified and therefore must be plucked from their most “overrated” haven. The Chans gasp in horror, so Captain Black immediately jumpstarts his jurisdiction and calls his higher-upper against the matter. Jade gives Hersch a rasberry, her way of saying “go to H-E-Double hockey sticks!” But instead, Black receives an echo of Hersch’s words; the talismans must be removed from the vault. The elites don’t think magic exists, and why not? They’ve got plenty o’ dinero to not care about it. (And that leads to an important lesson to you little kiddies; our government SUCKS!)

 

Back at Uncle’s shop, the cranky master of garlic breath is cranky for several reasons. 1:) there are so few customers at the shop that for the umpteenth day Uncle spends most of his time talking rather than selling. 2:) Tohru FINALLY gets a vacation after co-starring in 51 episodes, but that means no one’s making tea for Uncle or sweeping the roaches skittering across the shelves. And, of course, 3:) the talismans are now left vulnerable to the detection of evil. Despite news that Captain Black will go mano a mano with the higher-upper about this matter, Uncle tells his niece and nephew that the talismans must be taken to the Ben Shui temple near China. Only upon sacred land can the talismans be protected from nefarious forces. Jade whines that that would leave her unable to wield any more magic on a boring afternoon. Jackie thinks the sooner this talisman crap is over, the sooner he’ll be seeing Jade get those overdue As on her next report card! (Which goes to show you kiddies; Jade needs a tutor to learn her magic from now on. A Sky Demon, perhaps?)

 

Back to the SHOW...Jade isn’t the individual who loves being an A-Girl. She’d rather be an F-Girl, Fun with a capital F. (What else would you expect?) The stealthy little Chan makes her way near the vault just as the repairman has reactivated the anti-theft laser flooring around the center mast storing the talismans. Jade grabs the repairman’s wire cutter, leaving the baffled Mr. Fix-It to walk off and get a replacement. Jade deactivates the laser flooring and runs up to the central mast. She collects the talismans and holds them like a single column of cookies. Jade’s sad that she won’t be able to have the thrill of magic in the palm of her hands in either the near or far future, so she wants to take one last thrill with each of them. But the repairman arrives sooner than expected, and the laser flooring is activated again! Jade gasps and drops the talismans all across the floor, but in a strange incidence, the deadly lasers are only being absorbed by the magical talismans. Jade stares curiously at the supercharged talismans, which altogether fire bolts of energy into Jade and far out of the mast.

 

Jade suddenly hears Captain Black assumedly talking to his superior. Turning into a blinding whirlwind, Jade returns all the talismans to the center mast in a matter of seconds. Jade hides close to the safe door and suddenly disappears into nothingness as Captain Black, the higher-upper and Hersch enter the vault. Jade suddenly reverts to normalcy and walks off, wondering how everybody could be so blind to see her.

 

Captain Black proudly saunters to the mast and grabs the Snake Talisman to prove how invisible he could be. The higher-upper and Hersch can only wonder why Mrs. Black hasn’t called her son Angus Slack. Black excuses what he dubs as a minute error and tries levitation with the Rooster Talisman, and begins hopping up and down like a ten-year old. The higher-upper comes to the conclusion that Black needs two weeks of vacation, or else he’s going to get a straitjacket for a Christmas present.

 

So, the Chan Clan and Captain Black are soon journeying across the hills close to the Ben Shui temple. Captain Black, carrying the pack of talismans on his back, apologizes to Uncle and says that the rocks apparently disobey his orders. Jade wants to prove that they still do work, but Jackie won’t let her. Jackie would rather have her play with her Super Marlon Moose doll on her verdant backpack than to meddle around with talisman magic again. But since dolls aren’t that much fun to toy with anymore, Jade curses “Rats!”, and unknown to everyone, a giant boulder behind her turns into rat statues.

 

Uncle and Jackie stop by a tree to recover from the jet lag (and yes, the real Jackie Chan does suffer from it), so Captain Black decides to head up to the hills and find members of the Ben Shui order. Jade says she’ll go with him too, but as she runs off, her physical body joins Jackie and Uncle in their sleep....(Very strange thing here. When Jade runs off in astral projection, the moose and Jade’s backpack are still on her. This leads to an important lesson to you kiddies; the Sheep Talisman creates an astral projection of what you currently are and what you currently hold.)

 

Of course, with the Ben Shui temple not far, there is undoubtedly the old, scraggly magic man not far from the scene. No, I’m not talking about Uncle, but rather the Anti-Uncle, Daolan Wong! From his poorly lit fortress, Wong has no time to find ways to improve his house lighting. For right now, he can sense the magical talismans of Shendu concealed inside Captain Black’s pack, so he summons the Dark Warriors, Gan (triple nunchuku dude with a ponytail), Ren (star-blade dude with column-like head, the most dangerous of all the warriors), and Chui (hammer dude looking like a football player) to snatch the 12 talismans so that evil shall prevail!

 

Captain Black is moving along nice and steady, while Jade’s astral form, unbeknownst to everyone’s favorite elite officer, speedily goes up the hills. Black then sees from several hundred feet afar walk three silent monks all dressed in orange. They welcome him to their place and Black rushes towards them to undergo the urgent mission by his lonesome.

 

Jade, who’s progressed further than Black, suddenly sees Gan, Ren and Chui transforming into the three monks midway into the route. Jade gasps as Black stops towards the imposter monks to safeguard the talismans. Jade panics and tries calling out to Black, but the dude seems to have busted ears. Jade runs back to where Jackie and Uncle are and is shocked to see her own body lying next to them. Not sure why she's in astral projection, Jade runs into the body and begins waking her elders up.

 

Black is about to hand the pack over to the imposter monks when the real monks actually start showing up. (Man, how lousy are the Dark Warriors’ perceptions for distance if the real monks arrive that soon?) Jackie, Uncle and Jade come behind Black to explain those dudes aren’t the real deal. Indeed, they aren’t, and so Gan, Ren and Chui take off their magical costumes and get those magic muskles going!

 

Jackie Chan & Captain Black w/ Uncle & Jade vs. The Dark Warriors (***)- Black throws the pack for Jackie to keep and he runs into the fray, parrying the D.W.’s hits and even landing a wicked jump kick to Gan’s chin. During Black’s battle, Jade sees a rock rise up by itself. She’s about to tell Jackie and Uncle of this occurrence when the Ben Shui monks hold her up over their heads and scamper back to their temple. Uncle can’t believe they’re running away without the talismans! Capitalizing on this shock, Ren lobs his infamous chakra and cuts the pack in two, scattering the talismans between the good and the bad. The Dark Warriors are far too fast, and despite scintillating speed from Jackie, the warriors get the upper advantage with the talismans. Jackie manages to retrieve the Dragon Talisman and he threatens the Dark Warriors to free the talismans or be fried! The warriors don’t budge, and Jackie unleashes his anger on the talisman, not even getting a whiff of smoke. Ren does a diving boot to Jackie and snatches the 12th talisman, and The Dark Warriors disappear without a trace.

 

As Jackie, Uncle and Captain Black hopelessly enter the Ben Shui temple, a monk assures the trio not to fret, for the talismans lie within. Jackie wonders if this means they’ve got the talismans, while Black figures this is some kind of cerebral line made among mystical people. (He’s been that way since believing in magic.) But the monk does mean what he says.

 

Inside the temple, Jackie, Uncle and Black are eyes wide open as the little Jadester is happily holding up two chairs being seated by two monks. She then shows off an array of talisman powers, from speed to animal transformation (where she becomes Jade Monkey for a moment) and even levitation. She flies up to a green curtain and wears the drape as a cape, declaring herself as T-Girl, Talisman Girl. (T-Girl, huh? Would fit along with S-Boy, won’t you agree? Ah, never mind.) Jade adds that these super powers are linked to a fingertip, which means two other powers, heat-beam eyes and dragon blast, aren’t in the palm of her hands.

 

The Chan elders and Black don’t understand how this could be. Jade slaps her brow, realizing it must’ve been through that freak accident she’s had at the Section 13 vault. Just as she slaps her brow, a potent duo of lasers fly off her eyes and blows through the temple wall. Jade becomes super-glad that she knows how to play Cyclops, so she wonders how to play Havok (i.e., use fire). Jackie halts her as he knows Havok's even worse than Cyclops, while Uncle proclaims that the talisman powers must be reverted to the proper vessels of stone via a restoration spell. Jade is unhappy over the “solution”, but knowing that she’s got superpowers she feels more than inclined to hurt Daolan Wong many times over! Jackie freezes the girl by saying that if she meets Daolan Wong then she’ll hold an immense risk of being taken in and being stripped of those very powers. Frowning cutely, Jade agrees.

 

Meanwhile, Daolan Wong joyfully grabs the Snake Talisman and begins circling around The Dark Warriors. The warriors all can tell their master needs a straitjacket for a Chinese New Year’s present.

 

Sensing a folly, Wong drops the Snake. He holds up the Dragon and discovers an inability to light his fire. Then he grabs the Pig Talisman to attempt heat-beam eyes. (The bulging eyes on Wong’s face are “two” priceless!) That’s when Wong slaps away the stones and admits that he’s used his magical warriors as discounts for the wrong purchases!

 

Jade stays at the temple and checks her fingers in case a magical ability’s been left out. She concludes that Rat hasn’t been utilized. She looks up at her Super Marlon Moose doll, and gets her bulb beaming.

 

In the dim forests afar from the Ben Shui, Uncle halts as he senses the willies. (No, that doesn’t mean turn-ons.) Out arrives Daolan Wong, who’s hiding inside a tree. Black laughs at Wong’s threat to hand over the real talismans and so he and the Chans are rooted into the ground like trees. Wong demands a second answer to make up for the previous one, and Uncle says it’s none of his beeswax. Wong cooly turns up the heat.

 

Jade Chan & Super Moose (?) vs. The Dark Warriors & Daolan Wong (****3/4)- One of the fastest fight scenes JCA’s had in a long while. Ren nearly saws the human trees in half when Jade kicks the chakra from harm’s way. Daolan Wong’s amazed that a little girl could own the talisman powers. Jackie warns Jade not to do it, but the latter adds that she’s immortal and self-healing at that. T-Girl and her trusty sidekick Super Moose are ready to fly against Gan, Run, and Chui. The moose does some mighty strong suicide dives on Gan and Chui (what do you know? Jade must‘ve given the doll some of her Ox power!), though a po'ed Gan knocks the moose to a tree with his set of ’chucks. Black feels awfully sorry for the unconscious little guy, now torn a bit on an antler. (Hey, we all know Black’s a softy for the little guys....and gals). Jade revs up for revenge. The Rabbit Talisman provides her greatest asset, speed, as she blocks every hit by the warriors and lands kicks that would put Bruce Lee (or for that matter, Jackie Chan) to the hall of shame. As Chui advances to her, Jade goes T-Grrl as she becomes a lion (a male lion too, since it’s got a mane. Hey, everybody, Jade’s got a sex change operation here!). Unable to handle the lion’s swinging claws, Chui summons his hammer, of which Jade immediately counters by blasting it down with her heat-beam eyes. She swings a laser blast that chops down a tree, and with her Herculean power, smashes the Dark Warriors into vapor with the log. Having left the evil chi wizard without enforcements, Jade haughtily zooms down to a muttering Daolan Wong, asking him if he’s ready to give up. But Wong patiently flicks his fingers and Jade is down! Daolan Wong smiles evilly for he has conjured a spell that paralyzes Jade from the neck down. He grabs Jade and disappears while Black threatens, “Don’t make me come over there!” Man, Black’s a lot more fearless than we’d really hope for....

 

As the sun goes down, Jackie, Uncle and Black are soundlessly hoping they won’t ever be trees in case they die and are reborn. From the corner of their eyes, the gang sees Super Marlon Moose coming to the rescue. The doll takes a sharp stick and begins softening the ground cementing the Chans and buddy Black.

 

At the fortress, the handicapped Jade is helpless, only able to spout bad words on Daolan Wong, who vows to steal her powers and transfer them to his own body.

 

Quickly, Super Moose plays bloodhound across the trail to Daolan Wong. Uncle explains Super Moose's motives pure and simple; magic seeks magic. It’s not long before Jackie, Uncle and Black see the glooming, poorly lit fortress of Daolan Wong.

 

Daolan Wong has applied magical jaws on his own hands to absorb the magic power, until....

 

Jackie Chan, Jade, Uncle, Captain Black & Super Moose vs. Daolan Wong & The Dark Warriors (***1/2)- Whew, what a Wargames match we’ve got going here! Jackie snatches Jade while Super Marlon Moose tries another high-flying maneuver only to be nabbed and thrown off by Daolan Wong. (Poor moose. He’s losing his Ox-like strength.) Uncle immediately gets Black and the moose to come on over and help him out with the magic. Jackie then starts using Jade as an arm (or two) to take out the Dark Warriors. Chui gets levitated off the temple, Run becomes a chihuahua (“Cuuute!”) and Gan’s removed off his rocker by the heat-beam eyes. Wong demands that he’ll stop at nothing to get the powers, of which Jade replies with a rasberry, and what a lethal raspberry, for it emits the wicked fire of the Dragon Talisman! Despite the scary shot, Jackie’s been thrown off balance and Jade’s left lying down, giving Daolan Wong the opportunity to hold the girl and mutter his spell. The moose tries to help and is given the two-fingered salute by Uncle, and soon the moose, the good chi wizard and Captain Black return to their original plan, raise up dead lizards and shout “Gyu Mo Gue Guai Fai Dei Tzao” at once (from now on, Black should be Uncle's next chi apprentice). Just as it seems Daolan Wong’s won the grand prize, he totters and collapses, having fallen to the good chi spell done by the overwhelming good guys! He now owns the very paralysis curse that he knows. Jade, feeling great to stand again, sees wisps flying off her and Super Moose (of which he becomes inanimate again) and the wisps reenter the talismans. Uncle declares that the magic is back where it belongs, though Jade would’ve truly wished otherwise.

 

As the Chan Clan and Black go off of Daolan Wong’s fortress and up to the hills again, Black receives a phone call from the Vice President of the United States! Black’s left a memo to the V.P. about the talismans, and luck of all lucks, the V.P. now wants to see a demonstration to prove they’re worthy of safeguarding in Section 13! Jade’s happy that there won’t be boring afternoons any time sooner, and she quickly asks Jackie if she can use the Horse Talisman to heal Super Moose’s antler. Prodded on by the grateful Captain Black, Jackie agrees. Jade’s handed the Horse Talisman and she points it at the moose, but all she gets is a smoldering crater from where Super Moose once has been. Apparently, there’s been a big mix-up of powers to the talismans! Jade frowns, saying that’s one more reason why she should’ve stayed as the T-Girl.

 

A+1/2

 

Another Episode of the Year candidate, running up against “Chi Vampire“ and “The Chosen One”, “TAT-G” is a living, breathing comic book done in its most outrageous, hyper-paced form. Captain Black, whom we haven’t seen in what feels like a century ago, is a million laughs here and is a showstopper. Usually, the Cap is basically an informant, but here, he’s more than that. Great, great episode for Black fans! The premise has just about everything we’ve hoped for from this show. Jade is just super-duper as the T-Girl, but what else would you be expecting? This episode is written by Hilary J. Bader, whose “Tale of the Demon Tail” is Episode of 2001, and it’s no wonder that Bader loves Jade tough, spunky, and witty to the nth degree! Bader’s been called by some internet fans to be a “chick-script” writer. “F” you, I like her. Man, we need more ex-“Batman Beyond” writers for JCA.

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 53…RE-ENTER THE J-TEAM- The 3rd Season Premiere opens with Jade rushing breathlessly away from Shadowkhan. She’s donning a sleek black jacket and shades, similar to the character Trinity of “The Matrix”. As she runs towards the edge of a building roof, Jade makes an impossible leap over to another building roof, distant from the other by the width of the street below them. (Yep, it’s “The Matrix” all right. Hey, wait a minute. Kids wouldn’t understand this joke without watching “The Matrix”! That goes to show you, kids DO need to watch R-rated material to know the allusions to modern day pop culture. Maybe JCA should try jokes from “American Pie” next time. Who says we have to censor our content? Not JCA, that’s for sure!)

 

Back to the SHOW....

 

Jade vs. Shadowkhan [NR]- It doesn’t really happen. Jade sends her version of the big boot and boasts to the J-Team about how essential a branch she is to them. Then, the ninjas thrust her little body down to the depths of elementary school, where a booming Ms. Hartman demands for Jade‘s homework assignment. Then the 10-year old gets out of it, and finds herself in bed. Sorry, boys. No wet dream yet.

 

Jade’s once again trying to make herself look good. For school, Jade’s got to write a report on everything she’s done during summertime, which, worries of worries, isn’t such a whole lot. (No archaeology travels, no Buttercup Scouting, no dates with demons...Too much time taking a beauty sleep, or what?) Jade complains that ever since the demon portals got closed last winter, she’s been denied all the fun of getting into danger. Jackie tells her for the billionth time that danger is bad, for young little girls, that is. Jade hates Jackie’s sexist implications and figures something’s got to pop up, or soon enough she’ll start taking field trips to demon worlds.

 

Before Jade does anything, something turns up to save her day, sort of.... In his private office, Captain Black has informed Jackie Chan that the decade-long burglaries of precious jade artifacts may be linked to Taiwan’s Bartholomew Chang. He may have but one live hand (his other hand’s forged from jade), but Chang’s political muscle is respectable. He owns not just his own island residence, but also a bevy of fighting students under his wing, students whom Black believes might’ve executed the burglaries for him. The upper levels of society hold no gripes with Chang, however, for he’s been renowned worldwide for his charitable purposes. Black, on the other hand, sees those charities as a mist hanging over Chang’s evildoing.

 

But entering the enigmatic island is forbidden, for it’ll be deemed trespassing onto Chang‘s private property. In order to hack into the truth, Jackie’s being assigned to enter himself into Chang’s martial arts tournament, which is held once every year. Should Jackie prove himself worthy in the tournament, Chang will initiate Jackie as a gofer and entrust him to stealing jade, if that can be evident within the secret base.

 

The whole secret conversation isn’t particularly effective, though, as Jade constantly eavesdrops into the office, thinking that Black and Jackie are making a big deal out of her. (Maybe they should give jade some kind of code-name, like “green stone”.) Jade earnestly suggests that perhaps they should hitch in extra muscle for this tournament and that means bringing along the J-Team!

 

The J-Team, for those new to the season, include Jackie, 600-pound sumo Tohru, Jade (rather unofficially), Mexican’s man of a bull luchadore El Toro Fuerte and Viper, the ex-super thief most would believe to have a tinge of Asian in her Afro-American descent. Captain Black, hearing this suggestion and really throwing government authorization out the window, feels four good guys ought to be better than one!

 

Wait a minute, did I just say four, not five? No joke there, because Jackie still sees Jade unfit to tag along with the J-Team. Upon the assembly of the fighting trio, Jade starts assembling her authority by making code names. El Toro is (as), Viper is “Hep Cat”, Jackie is “Fearless Hyena”, and Tohru is “The Big Bopper” (the one code name that makes perfect sense. EVERY big guy gets some kind of code referring to his size). Jade’s about to call herself the Speed Demon until Jackie halts her role-playing.

 

Jade groans out loud, feeling Jackie’s become the pleasure police for much too long. But even El Toro Fuerte agrees this mission isn’t G-rated; his student, Taco, er, Paco, is staying in Mexico to write about the stuff he’s done all summer along. So much for Paco’s old saying, “Wherever El Toro goes, I go.” Maybe he’s writing his essay about how jealous he is that “Mucha Lucha” features better kid wrestlers than him.....Hey, Paco, when are you gonna start wrestling with those twigs of yours? Jade’s done that, like, so long ago!

 

Back to the SHOW.....the J-Team have now set foot, er, boot, on Chang’s island. Bart Chang and his private army circle a rope-less ring where the tournament will commence. Jackie hopes he and his friends can get to the jade that Chang’s stolen. Inevitably, Jade lands on Tohru‘s shoulder, spouting an excuse that she’s heard Black mention something about Jackie needing to get jade. Actually, truth is Jade wants another out-of-town vacation, and she also happens to be their booker for the tournament.

 

Jade’s booking doesn’t work to desired effect, but hey, even masters like Paul Heyman must’ve booked some mismatches back in ECW. Since all the opponents in the match were given no names on the format, Tajeri Lynn will have to code-name them after the wrestler I feel would share their abilities and offenses.

 

El Toro Fuerte vs. Rhino (NR)-The first match has El Toro Fuerte knuckling up against a smaller but no less stalwart pushover. El Toro gets an easy grip on “Rhino” and does a helicopter spin into a gorilla-press slam. Sadly, instead of going for the killing blow on the downed foe, El Toro Fuerte leaps like an antelope to the edge of the ring, having forgotten that the Taiwanese don’t use ring ropes, the Japanese do! El Toro pancakes himself against the concrete boundary, leaving the one man standing a huge upset. At this rate, El Toro should never try to compete atop volcanoes. Jackie, jot a memo on that.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Flair [Best 2/3] (NR)- This isn’t an actual match, but it is surely a test of strength. Jade has booked Uncle Jackie to chop layers of stone tiles into perfect halves. She says he would’ve seconded the concept since he’s insisted the greatest victory to be the battle not fought. (Jackie, your discipline isn’t setting your logic straight...) As Flair proves himself noteworthy by painlessly halving two layers of tiles, Jackie sends all his ki to his hands before diving them thunderously against his layers. The Chan Man yowls in pain but gets the job done to an astounding crowd. Then he realizes he needs to do the same deal one more time, and his confidence goes sub-zero. (So much for the Invincible Chan....)

 

Jackie, yards of bandage wrapped around his hands like crude cooking gloves, watches from a rest bench as scintillating Viper walks up to the ring against another Afro-American martial artist. Viper’s already feeling queasy because she thinks these martial artist tournaments require “pajamas” that are too loose for her liking. As opposed to wearing tight one-piece burglar suits? Hmmm.....

 

Viper vs. Jazz (NR)- Leap. Hit. Miss. Fall. Fail.

 

El Toro Fuerte carries Viper and lays her on the same rest bench where he and Jackie are winding themselves back in place. Admittedly, it’ll be a while before Viper ever feels sprung again.

 

Tohru the sumo is the only fighter left on the J-Team’s roster. Jade reminds him to think big so he can make it big. Tohru, clad in a huge white cloak, slowly approaches the circle and begins muttering to himself about thinking big. Much to his amazement, and those of the viewers, his foe is a sumo who looks twice his size, you know, the kind who must’ve murdered hundreds of weight measurers through a mere trod. This one-ton terror chuckles haughtily and goes so far as to greet Tohru as “Tiny”. The expectedly dwarfish referee removes Tohru’s cloak, revealing the sumo in blue tights. Tohru blushes, as he has never been this revealing in public, but hey, he’s the Chan clan’s company man. Just as Kurt Angle’s willing to wrestle WWE stars in a thong, so is Tohru willing to carry out the J-Team’s mission in oversized diapers.

 

Tohru vs. Yokozuna (NR)- I’ve kinda seen this before back when Hulk Hogan took care of Andre the (giant) Giant. As is the beginning of El Toro’s match, Tohru and “Yokozuna” do a knuckle-lock (and some kind of belly lock, I can’t describe it) and jitter each other’s arms furiously to determine the better upper. Tohru ducks his head and begins raising his arms against “Yokozuna’s” body, revealing tremendous upper body strength that even makes Bart Chang’s eyes white and wide. Tohru does an astounding gorilla press, and uneasily skitters across the ring, nearly plummeting off until he incidentally does a running release slam that sends every man’s feet off the ground for the time being. Yokozuna has been driven off limits, and so Tohru’s bulky hands are raised in victory. Bartholomew Chang smiles and the soundtrack accompanying the scene sounds creepy. Great. Now we KNOW he is guilty.....

 

That evening, as Tohru’s been invited inside Chang’s complex, he has attached a mechanical wiretap within the cuff of his collar, just as the referee bids him to follow. The men enter a luxurious hallway where stands the one-handed Bart Chang. Chang’s delighted of Tohru’s power and wants him to join the cause. Remembering that this cause is so far without definition, Tohru approves and then the referee places a palm on a hidden digital lock, thus unveiling one of the walls to be a doorway. Tohru and Chang trek inside. As it turns out, all victors who’ve bested the other J-Team members are already waiting inside for an exclusive excursion at Chang’s money-making machine. What nobody, not even Tohru, notices is that a little ten-year old in black is stowing underneath the sumo’s draping white cloak, hopping to get a piece of action. (Just not Tohru’s action.)

 

Viper listens on to Chang’s guidance to Tohru while Jackie and El Toro continue to receive their bearings. Yes, business is far more important here than an opportunity at a menage a trois.

 

Chang leads the tournament victors across a steel bridge, where one level below, roves of bespectacled old grandmamas are seen working to bake cookies, sew fabric, and make baskets. It’s an odd sight that such hearty scenes would occur from within a dimly lit cavern of sorts. With each scenario, Chang makes it completely slow and clear that all proceeds from them go to charity.

 

Viper advises Jackie and El Toro that Chang’s still in camouflage until he’s certain Tohru and the rest won’t tattle-tale on the more private operations. Still no menage a trois.....

 

Recognizing she can’t catch up hiding under cover (under Tohru’s cover, that is), Jade backs off to venture solo, but not without letting Tohru know of it. At first, Viper thinks Tohru’s audible mention of Jade has amounted to Black’s suspicions, until the sumo corrects Jade to be the girl, not the stone. Jackie fearfully exclaims Jade’s going to jeopardize the mission, while Viper replies it’s a 50/50 chance, even implying that Jackie may pour salt to the mission’s flaw should he try and rescue his niece (Viper REALLY sees Jade Chan as a future thief, don’t she?)

 

Jackie doesn’t take many people’s advice very well. Bandaged fists and all, he runs by the lavish hallway and as usual, waits for a bad guy to arrive and get the crap beaten out of him to figure out the next destination.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Tournament Referee (NR)- Seconds after a few punches and kicks, Jackie incidentally slaps the referee’s palm against the computerized lock. He boots the referee out of officiating and rushes inside the mysterious doorway. Strange that Chan always has to beat baddies to open doors. Typical earthlings would go for normalcy and find a key. From now on, Jackie’s got to stop calling himself a normal man....

 

Jackie enters inside a pipeline which he’s certain has Jade squeezing right into it.

 

Chang’s about to continue the tour until Jackie falls off the ceiling’s network of pipes and dives in the sights of Chang and the tournament victors. The Chan Man dusts himself off, saying he just wants to find Jade. Chang begins staring his eyes left and right, spouting sentences speedily about denying any presence of jade. His act of denial reeks of comedy and reminds me of those frantic characters from “Family Guy”. Jackie says he just wants to find his niece, but he unwisely hints that he’s pursuing the stone as well. Chang immediately orders the victors to oust Jackie. He turns to the reluctant Tohru and asks him if the sumo is truly worthy of being part of the cause. Tohru snorts and removes his cloak for battle. Thankfully, he’s back to donning an XXXXXXL T-shirt and black overalls.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Tohru (NR)- Tohru does his gorilla press on Jackie and seems ready to lob Jackie to jagged spikes lying below the steel bridge. Instead, Tohru nails Chang and the other tournament victors by having Jackie Chan do a multi-hit cross body. Jackie groans and questions Tohru’s sense in using his injured body as a weapon.

 

Jackie and Tohru run for cover and stop by a door. It abruptly opens and both tumble inside to see Jade having a finger on a button. Before Jackie and Tohru lie a warehouse stuffed with troves of stolen jade statues. Chang immediately calls the remaining victors to get the invaders. Only seconds later, El Toro and Viper arrive in their familiar fashion wear. Viper LOVES tight one-piece suits....

 

The J-Team vs. Bartholomew Chang & Co. (****3/4)- FUN. As predicted, the J-Team members are asking for rematches against the same individuals they’ve lost, and as predicted, they get one -ups-manship. Viper gets back at Jazz, this time jetting a boot to crunch “Jazz’s” breadbasket. El Toro remains struggling with the man-beast “Rhyno”, but taking sight of crude rope, he advises Tohru and Viper to hold together a firm line of rope for him. El Toro ducks Rhyno’s attack, bounces off the “ring” rope and hits a charging headbutt, driving Rhyno back to his beauty sleep.

 

Jackie swishes from one point to another since his hands will be rendered all the more fractured against chop-choppy “Flair”. El Toro calls for a tag and slaps Jackie’s hand to signal a transfer of control. Jackie yelps at the hit. Hey, friendship has its pains, my man.

 

El Toro arrives to crack horns against “Flair”, but with a wink to Tohru, El Toro and the sumo drive a surprise double team against “Flair”, sandwiching him between the two titans of the J-Team.

 

Chang signals for more men. He blows a whistle and all the grandmamas enter the room, only to remove gray hair, spectacles and all else to reveal soldiers of Chang’s private army (what do you know? They‘re thieves and masters of crossdressing)! The imposing “Yokozuna” storms into the fray and sees a gulping Tohru, but being one to acknowledge the triumph Tohru’s had against him, the goliath of goliaths humbly expresses his admiration for the T-Man. Therefore, “Yokozuna” and his two running buddies make a face turn and plan to help out the J-Team in vanquishing Chang’s ruthless men! (Chang should check himself into Honor Codes 101 someday).

 

As the sumos talk softly and bash the ninjas with tree-trunk arms....wait a minute, did somebody say Extremo Quiz?

 

Question: Where’d Viper, El Toro Fuerte and Tohru go between here and the end of the fight?

 

1.) Lunch break, duh. Viper needs some Italian, El Toro needs some Tex-Mex, and Tohru needs a cartload of salad. What? Tohru hates fish, doesn’t he?

 

2.) Viper broke two men’s hearts that day and their screen presence had to be cut short. Big AIN’T always beautiful....

 

3.) At first, it seemed a little demon was running around the set. By the time the trio tackled him, it turned out to be poor Paco, who couldn’t believe he was denied from the episode. El Toro said he was sorry. Viper said she was sorry. Tohru said he was sorry. Then the inevitable....El Toro, Viper, Tohru, El Toro, Viper, Tohru......

 

4.) “Yokozuna’s” band threw stuntmen across the set. It only made sense that some people had to remain out of the way....

 

Back to the SHOW.....

 

As the sumos talk softly and bash the ninjas asunder with tree-trunk arms, Chang realizes it’s time to lend a hand to the Wargames match. He runs toward a collection of stone hands and begins detaching his jade hand in favor of a stone hand with retractable claws. Jade (not the stone) throws to Jackie two stone hands to make up for his less-than-handy condition. The stone hands retract a spoon and a toothbrush (well, least they explain about Chang’s more normal trials of life).... The going is good for Jackie but it’s clear who’s got the better know-how of their arms (er, hands). Chang sends his claw screaming through the air in the hopes of liberating Jackie from being a handi-capable man. Jackie jumps onto a seat and kicks an ottoman foot-rest that trips the charging billionaire. Losing his balance, Chang falls to Chan’s ferocious kangaroo kick and is sent soaring hard against one of the many jade statues confined in his base. Bartholomew Chang loses.

 

The J-Team stands proud while “Yokozuna” and his buds sit down on the felled minions of Chang’s infamous jade-pilfering army. No more shall Chang steal precious jade artifacts, nor shall he commit the crime of contributing billions of dollars to feed poor and hungry children around the world. What a great, great victory!

 

Back at Section 13, the J-Team are welcomed warmly by Captain Black and a couple of his colleagues. Black says that Jade is truly an ideal part of the J-Team, and she smiles in pride as the whole agency actually gives a standing ovation, which leads us to asking another good question.

 

Question: Section 13’s usually low-key. Why all of a sudden act all pomp and circumstance?

 

1.) Maybe Black’s getting tired of Section 13 having little personality. After all that’s been going through, he may really want a girlfriend.

 

2.) Image counseling. Maybe the President likes agents of image. All else, prepare to be downsized.

 

3.) Then again, the downsizing may have already occurred. These agents next to Black are newbies.

 

At San Francisco’s elementary school, Jade’s accomplished her oral report on her summer vacation. The classmates and Ms. Hartman then give Jade a second standing ovation, for once welcoming her warmly (and then some) to the new school year. Jade bows like this whole summer of boredom has been filled to the brim with excitement (you’d feel that way too, if you’ve almost got killed during the season). The class is thrilled and even more unbelievable, are amazed that this story actually has occurred, which leads to my final question.

 

Question: Jade’s report is viewed as credible by her school? Wassup wit dat!?

 

1.) Drew was nowhere in sight....So that explains it! Beneath that boyish exterior lied the mind of a genius who controlled students and teachers by the multitudes to hate Jade! Of course, the FBI must’ve found that out between then and now, so....

 

2.) Jackie took his niece to school, then did his bounce-off-the-wall technique before the public. Now they were believers....

 

3.) Three words: Book of Ages. Works every time!

 

A-

 

“Jackie Chan Adventures”....After 52 episodes, I can not believe that brainchild and martial artist Jackie Chan can even cook up this highly original cartoon. Never mind that he doesn’t actually know how to cook (he says he can only cook eggs), Jackie Chan’s shown that his cartoon series is a lush delicacy that topples about every movie he’s made here in America. Very few moviemakers truly capture the Chan Man in his glory. This show does, however, and ain’t we glad it’s not just a Jackie Chan show. Jade, Uncle, Captain Black, the J-Team, the Enforcers, the demons....who’d have known that a series on a real-life actor can spawn such a brilliant and unforgettable cast?

 

 

“Re-enter the J-Team” is, you’ve guessed it, a parody to one of the greatest martial arts movies of all time, Bruce Lee’s “Enter the Dragon”. The hidden island....the enigmatic fighting tournament....the villain with a detachable hand...they’re all here, and with the J-Team characters, it’s a funny homage. The episode has a distracting format where the prologue and the series opener are then cut by a commercial before moving into the real story. The format sucks, but the show remains solid.

 

If you’re into questions of morale, this episode is of worthy debate. Okay, so Chang, this guy who’s contributed charity, is evil for having a huge army to steal jade. Well, stealing’s certainly bad, but the fact that he contributes much to children’s social welfare is noteworthy. What becomes of those billions now that he’s arrested? Will the government impose it on those charitable programs, thus continuing them? Will it go to the fat cats highly favored by government elites? Exactly what? Will the children’s social welfare be devastated, now that an apparently ideal branch has been cut off? Is Chang’s empire a truly dangerous one, or does it seem Chang’s content with stealing jade for his collection? Is jade really the source of his wealth, or is it just the tip of the iceberg? One must wonder the consequences of Chang’s arrest in accordance with all else that’s happening. Oh sure, Jade may have left home happy with a summer vacation, but somewhere out there an immeasurable populace of children may have needed Chang’s money so that his family could live well and satiated. Has one child’s vacation spelled the cut-off point of resources for millions of other children? I leave it to you readers to figure out possible answers to these questions, or to just conclude by saying politics suck. It’s up to you.