Episode 48…CHI VAMPIRE- The Chans and Tohru are riding a horse-driven cart chock full of supplies and carrying space. Apparently, the gang is heading over to a Chinese castle so Uncle can receive plenty of inventory (i.e., artifacts) to be sold at his shop.

 

Jackie meets the assistant of the estate executor Mr. Lam, who already has prepared a bunch of heirlooms as inventory.

 

Uncle stalwartly trades words with the executor of the Sung Tsi Manor. He tells the dealer that the four of them will take lodge in the castle for the night, so as to check the validity and appraisal of the artifacts in store (and soon to be in HIS store). Restraining his fears, the dealer eventually agrees, but as the Chans and Tohru enter the castle, Lam makes a quick getaway.

 

Jade thinks this castle is cool and creepy, while Jackie, ever keeping reality in check, just wishes this place’d have some proper lighting. Jade spends some fun time disguising herself up as a little vampire, and after that, she decides to give Jackie a spook so big, it’ll make Jackie’s hair turn white. Hiding underneath a bedroom, Jade waits, until she curiously finds herself under a coffin.

 

Jade opens the coffin and peers inside. Much to her bafflement, there seems to a sentient corpse with hollow eyes and long claws. Suddenly, the creature stirs, and Jade shuts the door in total fright, running until she meets Jackie. She grabs Jackie’s hand and leads the Chan Man to the room, and sees that the coffin’s open, and empty! Jade babbles to Jackie as she sees the creature floating haphazardly before her, but everytime Jackie turns, nothing is there. Jackie thinks Jade’s as tiring as a horror movie sequel, once you make a good scare, the next few scares are 100% predictable. Time to take Jade to a most terrifying realm; the realm of sleep.

 

Tohru, wondering where Jackie could be, goes inside the abandoned bedroom. But from behind the Kiang Chi grabs Tohru. Immediately, green beams fly off of the sumo’s eyeballs into the hollow eyeballs of the Kiang Chi. We notice that the creature’s corpse-like frame is now thickening, as is its long claws.

 

Jackie lays Jade on her bedroom. Jade immediately tells Jackie that she doesn’t want to die. Anyone who’s seen horror movies knows that a helpless woman is always the first victim on a monster’s hit list. (Ah yes, but I’ve also heard that a woman might survive the horror movie if she’s a virgin, but never mind.) Jade and Jackie suddenly hear a loud thump, the sound of someone collapsing not far away.

 

Jade cries out in shock as she comes back to the room of that bizarro monster, only to see Tohru down for the count! Jackie, not the fan of anything that goes bump in the night, surmises Tohru has suffered from jet lag. In comes Uncle, who’s wondering why no one has come to assistance until he sees Tohru, and then the coffin of the monstrosity. Uncle gasps, knowing what this monster is, much to Jackie’s bafflement. It’s the Kiang Chi, and it steals life energy from mortal beings in order to thrive in the outside world. The Kiang Chi, he says, is a Chi Vampire.

 

(Trivia: Kiang Chi is not restricted to China alone. It is also a myth in Japan, so popular that from the late 80s to early 90s, there are books and cartoons about a boy Kiang Chi! Kiang Chi are not commonly dressed in overalls or cape as this creature, who is shown here as more of a Dracula caricature. The most recognized of such creatures don long blue jerkins covering down to the ankles, and wear traditional Chinese caps. By the by, the writer has somewhat overplayed the Kiang Chi’s role. A Kiang Chi is mentioned here as a vampire. Actually, the right term is ZOMBIE, since "Vampire" is not entirely recognizable in traditional Asia. Perhaps the reason for the hyperbole is that zombies and vampires are both undead and able to create others of their kind via feeding off of humans. Thus, the writer has chosen vampire so as to make its monstrosity sound more horrific, and more grand in the ole monster scale.)

 

(Of course, if you ask moi, this creature’s acting a LOT like Arnold Vosloo’s Mummy. But never mind.)

 

Back to the SHOW…Uncle understands the business deal has been shady all along, because Mr. Lam must’ve already known of the Kiang Chi rampaging around Sung Tsi Manor., thus explaining Lam’s hesitation with the sale. But first things first. Tohru must be saved. Uncle readies a pendant (actually, a dead lizard, don’t ask) and bids Jade to come next to Tohru. Since Jade is young, she is fresh full of chi energy to spare for the chi-less sumo. Chanting his old words and swinging the pendant, Uncle summons Jade’s chi energy to fly off of her eyes and zoom into Tohru’s body.

 

Still wondering how much more preposterous this little business trip can get, Jackie argues he has never seen the Kiang Chi, and what he can’t see, he can’t believe. That’s when Jackie is suddenly assaulted by the roaring Kiang Chi, who apparently can tell a critic from a believer. Jackie gasps as the fight begins.

 

Jackie Chan & Tohru w/ Uncle & Jade vs. Kiang Chi (***)- The Kiang Chi rampages on Jackie when a recovered Tohru grabs the misshapen miscreant and launches it out of the castle. But Jackie is amazed as Tohru, unusually cheery-eyed, suddenly sounds like a Gen X-er by going "I rule! I rule!"

 

Uncle explains that Tohru’s warped attitude stems from the necessary chi transfer. Tohru now owns some of Jade’s chi, which means he also inhabits Jade’s persona and habits. Otherwise, the normally stoic sumo would’ve become a kiang chi himself, a servant to the greater Kiang Chi.

 

The four agree that maybe this business deal isn’t worth all the dinero in the world, so off they skitter down the dark, dusty stairs before they’re listed on the odd lug’s carte du jour… Uncle points out that the Kiang Chi does have a serious nick on its side; when exposed to sunlight, it will vanish, which means by the time the gang leaves the castle, the Kiang Chi will not be able to follow for long. (Much like the Chupacabra, or more importantly, a vampire.) Suddenly, the Kiang Chi floats down towards them. Uncle immediately warns everyone to hold their breath, because the Kiang Chi is blind, and can only taste mortal chi once it firsts smells it. Jackie says that’s all bull, but when the Kiang Chi approaches, he’s got little choice but to withdraw his breath and leap from its curious expedition.

 

The four humans dash off into the exit when Jackie, eyes set against the wandering Kiang Chi, goes face first against a dusty bear, all stuffed and mounted. The dust tingles Jackie’s nose and forces Jackie to exhale a sneeze. The Kiang Chi immediately flies over to the source of several harsh puffs of breath until Jade securely shuts Jackie’s nose. But no sooner than she does this when she herself sneezes audibly! The Kiang Chi snatches the little girl and sucks the chi off of her. Jackie retrieves Jade, and Uncle and Tohru agree that now’s not a good time to hold back their breath.

 

Jackie Chan w/Uncle, Jade & Tohru vs. Kiang Chi (***)- This is more of a chase sequence than an actual martial arts fest, but who’s carping anyway? The oxen break off of the escape cart, much to everyone’s total dismay. (Hours from this, I bet Uncle would have something to say with whomever he lent that cart from.) That leaves the wonderful Mr. Tohru to launch his heft onto the cart and whisk it across the winding roads away from the castle.

 

The roads are quite terrible for Jackie. Unable to hold out his balance, Chan has both the dual problem of warding the flying Kiang Chi back to its castle and hanging on to the rickety cart. Uncle assures Jackie that the ride won’t take long. Once the cart crosses the bridge, the Kiang Chi will withdraw its pursuit for reasons of fearing running water. Jackie can only wonder what exactly was in everybody’s lunch.

 

Now using the spiny swellfish charm, Uncle extracts his own chi energy for Jade. The little girl winds back, but suddenly Uncle himself is snatched by the Kiang Chi and is sucked completely of his chi. We notice that the Kiang Chi now has wide, yellow eyes with blood-red pupils. But just as it has the upper claw, the Kiang Chi is knocked off the cart by a low tree branch in the road.

 

Tohru sees the bridge and thinks that the gang’s gonna make and break for it. Then the bridge collapses into the raging river. (Gee, Jackie should never have gone to Ireland, at that rate…) Tohru holds onto the cart and skids his sandals across the ground, halting the getaway before it takes a drink.

 

Jackie, Jade and Tohru stare helplessly at the chi-less Uncle. The gang’s now trapped in the Kiang Chi’s acre-long dining room, it’s raining and pouring, the sun won’t rise for another hour, and worse, there’s no Uncle to save them from losing their chi; now Uncle may become a chi vampire! Jade, hair all of a sudden arranged like wayward thorns, merely replies that they must do research. Jackie’s amazed that Jade has just been Uncled.

 

Somehow managing to reenter the Kiang Chi’s castle without the Kiang Chi standing in the way, Jade hops into a magical archive in the castle, while Jackie and Tohru hope Uncle will be doing fine. Jackie asks Jade what they must do, and suddenly the tomboy launches a ruthless two-fingered salute (must I call it "the goat"?) to Jackie, making it clear that she only has Uncle’s chi. She’s just as clueless at this matter as Jackie and Tohru are, but her upper advantage is that she’s armed with Uncle’s perceptions and curiosity with chi spells. Jade fishes a book and sees a recipe that’ll return the chi stolen by the monster. Jackie seeks a chi transfer spell (which I’m not too sure how hard it could be. From my experience, you just get a dead lizard or a dead puffer, wag it over the victim’s body and chant "Gyumo Gue Guai Fai Dei Tzao", but never mind). Regrettably, Tohru tells Jackie and Jade that they’re in big doo-doo now, because a lilac-skinned, fang-ridden, pointy-eared Uncle growls before them. Lilac is definitely not his color.

 

Jackie Chan & Tohru w/Jade vs. Evil Uncle (***)- We’d never think we’d see the day….A chance for Jackie to teach Uncle a lesson after all those years getting two-fingered salutes. However, Uncle is terribly potent for an old goat, and even does an insane gorilla press throw on the 600-pounder, happy-go-lucky Tohru. Uncle proves to be a living, breathing B-Movie script, spouting out tried and true lines like, "Soon, my master will feed on your glorious chi!" Meanwhile, Jade busily paints a few Chinese symbols over a parchment and sticks it to Uncle’s head (Trivia: yes, this IS one way to stop the Kiang Chi). With the parchment on, Uncle freezes like a creepy statue.

 

Jackie curiously looks at Evil Uncle until the maniac cries out, "You are doomed!" Jackie backs up while Jade explains one more thing; even subdued, this Kiang Chi can still talk. Somewhat taking a cue from Darth Vader, evil Uncle warns Jackie, "You may have defeated the servant, but you shall never defeat the master!"

 

Moments later, Jackie drags a babbling Uncle down the stairs. Jade leads the way, telling Jackie and Tohru that if they don’t remove the stolen chi from the vampire, the chi will be lost forever. Tohru finds it uncool that he’ll be stuck in "Jade" mode. Jade thinks the sumo’s got it easy, because she can’t stop thinking about digestion! (I’d just wonder what Paco or Hsi Wu would think if Jade rambles like this…) The Uncled girl adds that the Kiang Chi must be stripped off its energy by grabbing its left sock, putting in a toadstool from a graveyard, and throwing the sock into the river. As of this point, Jackie is now wondering whether he’s high on acid or whether getting someone else’s chi is the equivalent of it.

 

At the graveyard, Jade, Tohru and Jackie search for toadstools while a statue Uncle is left in the middle. Jade plucks a toadstool from under a boulder and signals Jackie that all that’s needed is the Kiang Chi’s left sock.

 

Jackie Chan & Tohru & Jade vs. Kiang Chi (***)- Bad luck or good luck? Well, whichever it truly is, the big, bad Kiang Chi is right behind Jackie! Jackie holds his breath and walks away from the monster, but the monster follows him every step of the way. Having absorbed a sufficient diet of mortal chi, the Kiang Chi explains that it now inhabits many astounding strengths, including the immunity to sunlight, which won’t be arriving much longer.

 

Poor Uncle is knocked off his position as Kiang Chi sends Tohru crashing into the old man. So much for respect from the master….

 

Tohru then nails his arms around the Kiang Chi’s shoe and waves a sock proudly to Jade. Jade stamps her right foot, indicating that he must take the LEFT!

 

The Kiang Chi grows more aggressive as dawn becomes close to its arrival over China. Jackie grabs the other shoe but the Kiang Chi immediately grabs him and prepares to have another helping of mortal chi. Jade quickly hangs her legs around a tree and gives the Kiang Chi a quick scare, allowing Jackie to grab the remaining sock and Tohru to shoulder tackle the monster off it!

 

Jade enchants the toadstool, drops it inside the sock and then has the sock given to Tohru. Tohru childishly skips his merry way towards the river and throws the sock down the drink. A green beam sprouts out of the river and strips the Kiang Chi of all the energy it has pilfered. Tohru is stoic, Jade is perky, and Uncle is back as Crankypants, wondering who’d have the gall to stick a parchment on his head. When the dawn arrives, Jackie hides Jade’s face as the Kiang Chi screams hoarsely and disappears into nothingness.

 

As morning approaches, Jackie, Jade, Tohru, and Uncle trod out of Sung Tsi Manor with another oxen cart filled with newly acquired shop inventory. Tohru admits to Jade that acting like her’s been real, while Jade says that she’s still got a mung bean craving like Uncle usually does. Jackie’s just glad things have been dealt with. Uncle adds to that, saying that thanks to the Kiang Chi’s presence, Mr. Lam has settled for the inventory at half price, even throwing in the coffin for free! So, when will they get inventory from Transylvania?

 

A++

 

Call this an Asia-nized "Dracula" if you want, but it’s still fun. A whole arsenal of one-liners, this is definitely the weirdest story ever on JCA. Here’s an episode that just keeps us laughing at whatever oddity is thrown at us. The best moments come from the characters who are deliberately OOC through a good portion of the length. Stacie Chan’s so priceless trying to mimic Sab Shimono’s voice into her character Jade, and Noah Nelson (Tohru) does a fun job mimicking Stacie’s voice into his own. It’s kind of weird that the episode’s director, Chap Yaep, is also the director of "The Lotus Temple". What’s with Yaep’s fascination with big buildings and B-film monsters? Whatever the case, nothing in this story looks like anything we’ve seen from JCA, and that’s not a bad thing at all.

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 49...THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE BLIND, THE DEAF AND THE MUTE- The opener is the temple from where the Ben Shui Order determine who in the whole wide world is the Chosen One. Nobody is currently in session right now. Within the temple arrive three trailing clouds of blue smoke. Since smoke’s not blue, this must be nefarious magic or a new biological weapon at work. Three orange-skinned freaks in black clothes pop up from the clouds. Nefarious magic it is. You can tell this is not from the same writer of “The Chosen One” because this time the Dark Chi Warriors enter through the temple like stealth warriors. A few episodes ago, the Ben Shui monks have pointed out that dark magic could not enter into the sacred temple. None of JCA’s writers seem to remember the rules so well. The Dark Chi Warriors chance upon a small trinket resembling the classical trio of monkey statues, with one statue covering its eyes, another its ears and the last one its mouth. The Warriors disappear before a good-sighted monk opens the door and realizes the little statue is no longer at its post.

 

Over at a poorly lit castle, the evil chi wizard, the guy in badly arranged makeup, is meditating in hopes that he’ll rule the world by Christmas. For next Christmas, he could use a mirror to dab his makeup around on the right places. His three freaks arrive, bowing down while one of them holds up the little trinket. Wong mentions something about an infiltration spell. That's the bad news with magic spells. They seem to break virtually every rule the show has in mind. Daolan Wong holds the trinket and toys with it before a map pops from within. Wong smiles as the map reveals to him the key to control the world. After that, he decides to wait until next morning to get his plan up and running. Even magical old men need sleep time.

 

What a bad idea for Wong to wait. It’s daytime and just miles afar, Jackie Chan, Jade and Tohru are waiting by a sacred temple where Uncle is laying incense and praying. Jade wants to know what Uncle sees in burning sticks, so Tohru explains that Uncle is honoring his (dead) master Chi Master Fong. Jade doesn’t quite see any Fong around, but Uncle walks up to her and the rest of the gang by saying that Fong doesn’t have to be felt by just being looked at. Okay, maybe a bit, since Uncle thinks a falling leaf means Fong is around. The falling leaf is being accompanied by flute music; there's so much flute music in JCA these days that it's tough for Hsi Wu to show up. Uncle tells his folks to close their eyes and feel the surroundings around them. It’s not long in fact before Uncle senses Chi Master Fong is reporting that trouble is amiss. He explains the darkness is near (the wind is blowing away the candles), that it is coming from the north (as observed by wind chmes) and tells nephew, grand-niece and servant that they must move to stop the darkness as a result of a falcon statue falling off the roof to the floor. What a coincidental accident.

 

Taking a page out of the Indiana Jones movies, our heroes trek across rural China while a map observes their trail using arrows.

 

The Chans and Tohru have now arrived to a forest populated by howling monkeys. Before you think this has something to do with the Jade Monkey episode back in the first season, the heroes come across Mt. Chimpmore....Actually, it’s a gigantic statue of three monkeys, doing the same gestures as that trinket the Dark Chi Warriors have stolen. Uncle explains that these are the three wise monkeys, guardians who have encased dark chi inside them so that no one will ever hear, see, or speak evil. Uncle knows that something terrible is about to happen here. He thinks Fong must’ve wanted the heroes so badly since the statues’ location is impossible to determine. Even with Section 13 surveillance?

 

Out of nowhere (as it always seems) pops Daolan Wong. Knowing that this is still daytime and that the heroes have walked a LONG way over here, I’d say this must now be the noon or sometime after. See what I mean about Daolan Wong wanting to sleep a lot, and maybe getting some brunch at that? He shows up behind the heroes and Jade immediately brands him the “Anti-Uncle”, a nickname that hasn’t quite caught up to our attention spans. Jackie leaps into action but Wong zaps him out of the way into Tohru. Uncle realizes he’s got to handle this save-the-world stuff on his own, pulling up his dead gecko and porcupine fish before chanting his magical words (which unfortunately can not be translated via closed captioning). But Uncle’s attempt is moments too late, for, using his own scepter, Daolan Wong has unleashed the evil chi from within the statues, their hands no longer covering an eye, an ear or a mouth from which the evil’s been sealed. Before the Chans and Tohru know it, black ghosts chase towards them, and all is quiet.....

 

Jade wakes up first, or so it seems. Uncle’s already gotten up and he’s in consternation that Daolan Wong’s disappeared, taking the whole Mt. Chimpmore with him!!! Jade cries out that the statues are gone, and Uncle turns around and says that he’s already said that. Jade then wonders what he’s trying to say by asking him in a louder tone. Jackie pops up to the side of Uncle and tries talking to him about the situation but then holds his mouth since not a word’s coming out of it. Uncle turns to Jackie and asks him what he wants to say, since the old man can’t hear him but is sure his ears are dandy. Tohru the sumo is walking aimlessly, not even knowing where Uncle exactly is. Uncle tries cluing Tohru in on his whereabouts, but the sumo says he can’t see him. Uncle gasps over the feared revelations; Jade is deaf, Jackie is mute, and Tohru is blind! Who’s going to take care of Uncle when he’s retiring?!

 

Uncle doesn’t try to answer that question. Like Matt Hardy would tell you, “Live for the moment”, so Uncle does. Finding Daolon Wong and Mt. Chimpmore will have to be top priority. Tohru wonders why Uncle seems to be unaffected by the evil chi. Uncle proclaims that years of mastering chi power has enabled him an abundance of good chi, providing the immunity he needs against evil chi.

 

Meanwhile, the giant statues pop out of the ground. Amazing that Daolon Wong isn't a literal dirt bag despite that. Wong raises his scepter and having spent the better part of the trip rehearsing his lines, orders the statues to unleash their wrath. We cut to an epic scene of the statues looming above many confused people, who are just questioning what the hoopla’s all about.

 

Abruptly, even Daolon admits something would’ve happened while his eyes are closed. No pyros and no soundtrack equal the sound of silence, not the best sound for show business. Wong realizes that his spell is missing a key ingredient. Thinking things over in a thought balloon, Daolon concludes that he needs Uncle. Apparently, the disabling chi is only unleashed when the presence of good chi is strong, an irony since Uncle is so strong that he’s unaffected by such chi.

 

Back where the Chans are, the half-ton sumo, he having the most stressful handicap of the gang, is being urged on by Uncle to look through his “mind’s eye”. Tohru then starts imagining that he can “see”, imagining that he can somersault and land on a tightrope while judges hold up signs reading a bunch of tens and as expected, 9.9. The sumo then starts acting like he think he can, like a little blue engine who could. Tohru ends up taking a sad plunge to reality as he falls off a hill and rolls all over the place like a boulder. Even a little blue engine has his moments when he couldn’t do it.

 

Meanwhile, Jade tries finding a communication both she and Jackie can understand. She tries an unorthodox form of sign language that Jackie has no idea what each gesture means. Does Jade want Jackie to practice a new martial art or to cook a special dessert for lunch?

 

Those moments don’t seem to end, do they? The Dark Chi Warriors Gan, Ren and Chui have wisped their way into the scene. The handicapped Chan Clan and 500 pounds in need of eyesight prepare for mortal combat!

 

 

Jackie Chan, Tohru, Uncle w/ Jade vs. Dark Chi Warriors [NR]- Jackie throws rocks around at Gan. That doesn't help things much. Tohru hears Uncle mentioning something about “Dark Warriors”. The sumo mistakes Jackie to be a Dark Warrior and nabs him for a gorilla press slam....He falls off a nearby hill and takes Jackie along with him. The Dark Chi Warriors find their only remaining opponents in garlic breath and Miss 3-feet tall. You do the math. The Dark Chi Warriors grab Uncle and disappear along with him. Uncle’s instruments of doom (the dead animals) are left behind during the scuffle. Jade picks them up.

 

 

Aloud again, Jade asks why would the Dark Chi Warriors want Uncle. Wandering about, Tohru thinks this must be Daolan Wong’s way of disabling them further. Not exactly the answer, but it does have merit.

 

Tohru wonders how can the world be rescued from Wong's handicapping chaos. Jade sees the falling leaf and is gleeful to realize Chi Master Fong will help them. A cloud shaped like a hand, the wind, and a bird chirping something resembling "East" convinces the handicapped trio that east must be where they should go. All seems fine until Tohru runs into a hill and rolls down again. Slow and steady, steady and slow, that's the way Tohru should go. But never mind.

 

Meanwhile, three clouds of smoke home in towards the monkey statues. Those aren’t government-issue rockets, of course, but the Dark Chi Warriors, back from the forests with Uncle in their clutches. I don’t understand why the Dark Chi Warriors can disappear without a trace at times and then look like smoke bombs at other times. Daolon Wong takes his staff and has Uncle trapped onto the statues from the neck down. He’ll play bondage with the old Chan later. Wong then activates the ghostly chi, which infects all the poor villagers down there. This looks like a job for Ghostbusters, but I think they have enough trouble trying to handle Slimer.

 

 

Daolon Wong laughs haughtily and is grateful that a weakling like Uncle is the ying to his yang. Wong must’ve watched the Sky Demon episode and feels Jade’s famous line would work in a gay sort of way. Wong continues to laugh aloud and make some willies. Uncle gives a classic frown in front of us, fearing 13allroom 13litz may take this to be a story suggestion. Wong then has the monkey statues zoom off somewhere else.

 

A gigantic shadow soon looms over another village in Asia. So now the tentacle aliens from “Independence Day” are back?! What does that make the acronym, “ID42”? No, wait, that’s not even a UFO. Okay, so it is, until we recognize it to be the giant monkey statues floating under the influence of Daolon Wong’s remote control scepter. The statues stay afloat up in the sky, and the dark chi infection continues.

 

The Chans and Tohru arrive to the village where Daolon Wong and the monkey statues continue to hover above the earth. Wong’s so proud of himself that he literally hasn’t budged onto the next village, or for that matter, a REAL place of power. If he moves a bit further, maybe Wong can handicap governments all over Asia and the rest of the world, thus creating that global crisis he’s been dreaming about. But he’s just staying in simple villages like he wants the Chans to come and get him. As Chris Jericho would tell you, what a total ass-clown!

 

Jade tells Jackie and Tohru that she sees Daolon Wong and Uncle atop of the statues. Jade’s happy to realize that she’s got great eyesight. But hey, we all know Jade sees things that Jackie doesn’t. Jackie wants Jade to stay but Jade exclaims that she can’t hear anything from Jackie about not going. Jackie replies by scratching a line on the ground in front of Jade. Actions speak louder than words, Jade.

 

While the statues are staying there, Jackie ties a long crude rope around himself and signals Tohru to throw him up to the statues. Aside from running people, the village looks okay. It’s amazing that nobody’s going bonkers and causing explosions and murders all over the place, but never mind. Tohru throws Jackie twice but the latter can not reach the statues. Tohru senses Jackie is falling down but can never tell exactly where he is falling. On the second try, Jackie ends up going through a roof. The third try’s the charm as Jackie flies to the edge of the monkey statues and prepares the rope so Tohru can climb on up. Jade sees this and jumps onto Tohru’s shoulders, advising the sumo that she’ll be his eyes. Jade also tells Tohru not to look down. The giant sighs miserably. Funny stuff.

 

Jackie Chan, Uncle, & Tohru w/ Jade vs. Daolon Wong & The Dark Chi Warriors [***1/4]- Jackie gets himself busy fighting Gan, Ren and Chui, who really can’t use Jackie’s muteness to their advantage. Jackie manages to kick Chui out of the statues and Chui falls to his “death”. Really weird that Dark Chi Warriors can seem to fly yet they can fall to their doom like Wile E. Coyote. Jade meanwhile leads on Tohru to get to Uncle. Gan tries to stop the duo with his sledge hammer but Tohru grabs the hammer and throws Gan headfirst into Ren, and they’re both goners. Tohru leaps over a dark chi shot by Daolon (a shot that moves so slow that a thrown rock would appear more dangerous) and distracts Daolon long enough for Jade to help out Uncle. Jade takes out the dried porcupine fish and gecko and stuffs them up Uncle’s mouth, since Uncle’s arms are stuck. A bit annoyed, Uncle chants a chi spell with his mouth full but is soon freed of the confines of the statue. Uncle and Daolon then have one of their oh-so heart-pounding action scenes where they fire beams at each other and the beams collide together and go nowhere. The invisible hand of Chi Master Fong finally arrives and Daolon finds the beams striking him and the scepter down for good. With the scepter’s crystal ball shattered, Wong can no longer control the statues. The villagers, Jackie, Jade, and Tohru are stripped of the dark souls within them. The souls, however, as if angry that Daolon has failed them, strike him repeatedly as they are sucked back into the monkey statue. Daolon’s scream of agony here is priceless.

 

The monkey statue then sinks down into the ground, leaving everybody on the earth as the statues disappear. Uncle proclaims that the statues are going back to the forest to keep the dark chi from anyone. Uncle knows because of a falling leaf, which he is still psycho enough to dub it Chi Master Fong. I'd like to know what Fong sees in dying leaves....Most sensible spirits would be using animals instead.

 

Jackie Chan adds that the monkey statues have left out only one casualty. That is Daolon Wong, whose eye colors are completely blank and whose mouth is moving without any audible epithets. Jade warns Wong to watch where he’s going. Wong falls off a hill and rolls down like a boulder. Uncle speaks the obvious about Wong being affected by the dark chi. Jackie says Wong’ll take a long time to be “handi-capable”. Not minding Jackie’s poor humor skills, the villagers cheer and escort their heroes to the village as the episode ends. The heroes are probably sent away after Tohru begins eating the villagers out of house and home......

 

During the end credits of this episode, I watch a Kids’ WB advertisement about the networks’ characters going cross country. When the narrator tells everyone not to forget their underwear, Jade holds up a purple thong with a green flower in it. Believe me when I say this; it is the worst-looking panty in cartoon history. Hsi Wu would find it to be a total turn-off.

 

A

 

Great finale to Season 2, certainly a much better year than Season 1. The way the handicaps have been arranged and are solved is mostly believable. The only problem here is Jade’s deafness; instead of being laugh-out-loud funny, she‘s just loud, and that‘s not funny. Jade doesn‘t really face any hearing obstacles during the plot. She could’ve been completely healthy and nothing much would change. The show is at its classic funniest when Chan senior is involved, and despite having little action scenes, Uncle really is the star of the episode, followed very closely by Tohru.