Episode 44…TOUGH LUCK

 

20 grand? Whoa. Alright, dude, but you better pay me good on this one. Things haven’t been all blue skies and green grass lately, especially now that I’ve kicked myself out of Ireland. Again. Could you pass me my daily caffeine?

 

I can’t believe you want an interview after you people followed me through this story. For freakin’ sake, couldn’t you find a better story, maybe something about Jackie getting his ass beat by that Viper lady? Oh, she’s a hottie. But damn, this isn’t her story, or his story. This is MY story. 100% Finn-certified! And I don’t care how much Jackson and Jude stole the show here. Yeah, I KNOW her name is Jade. Jeez! Don’t you know sarcasm when it pops up?

 

Oh, I can’t get that out of my mind. You know, THAT dream. Me, Chow, Ratso and a bunch of those blue ninjas rockin’ together like The Who, Led Zeppelin, R.E.M., all those kick-ass bands that today’s teenagers care zip about. Rock’s a passion of mine. In another world, I’d have topped the charts and made Valmont weeping and moping like a beggar. Speaking of Big V, did you see the way I put him tinkering with a bell? Hah, he thinks he’s the big shot, but he’s human, like the rest of us. Except me, I’m not human, I didn’t deserve to set foot on this world. I deserved a world where all the people would go, "Hey Finn", or "Yo Finn", or "Rockin’, Finn!", you get the picture.

 

Yeah, I know it was just a dream…f*** you, I liked it.

 

That was the best feeling I had until Jackie came and spoiled my life again. He must’ve used that damn Sheep Talisman to fly into my dreams and punch my lights out. How else could he have appeared in my dream? And what does he mean by missing a key? Look here, I can strum this guitar and it’ll be ear candy for the both of us. Watch and listen. Dah dah dah dah dah dah….

 

Neat, huh? Hey, what’s with your face? Coffee too hot for ya?

 

Ah, back to this whack-ass story. Well, with Valmont out of my sights, it was time for me to be the Next F’N Show, not some laborer or third-rate middleman under minimum wage. I was BORN to rule the world, I knew it, but idiots like my family or my so-called friends didn’t see it that way. They said I was being unrealistic. Well, stick that one up your pipe and smoke it, cause I’m taking my chances, unlike you guys! Not a potato farmer, not some drunkard who keeps having fist fights, no chance in hell. I was gonna take this planet earth into overdrive!

 

Course, I hadn’t gotten my cup of joe yet, and besides, all bad guys needed time for bed.

 

Hah hah, look at Tohru here! Some old timer asks him what dynasty that P.O.S. is from and all he can say is that it’s from China. The owner of the shop (I think he’s named Uncle) then has Tohru tutored while Jackie plays a customer. This leaves the golden-eyed girl to watch over that shop.

 

Ain’t it so lucky that Jade’s got that uncle around for a shopkeeper, huh? I mean, why else would that chicken-livered jerk come and give Jade that big green stone, huh? Jade then sweetened the deal by having him buy a lamp for 500 smackeroos! What a ripoff! I’d have a better plan. If I was given the stone then, I would’ve given it to some big-time tycoon, wait for him to die, and run into his home taking all his jewels and booty. See how clever I am?

 

….Yeah, I didn’t believe it was cursed until much later……What’s your point?

 

Oh yeah, those next scenes were some of my favorites. Uncle then spoke gibberish that Jade now owned the Emerald of Kamari. It was a fabled Irish gem that carried a curse for anyone who took a go at taking it. At first all shades of scrutiny, Jade got her greens burnt up and Jackie got the gem for her, only to get smacked with a Chapter 11. Hah! In your face, Chan Man! And Uncle feared his nephew so badly, he had Chan all bound up in a closet. Hah hah hah! And what about those library books Jade lent, one of them being "Sales for Dummies"! Hah hah hah hah! Tohru, you’re a total card. Now I wished Viper came in and kicked Chan’s ass, but the show had to go on.

 

Lousy editing department….

 

With my callow intellect (ooh, big words there), I hooked up a couple of dudes from the Far East and figured they had that martial arts crap in their blood. Man, I was wrong. All they had was crap. They were a bunch, of mouse-hating, jaw-slacking, rusty-handed masochists who cheated me off of precious time. When I said I wanted to rule the world, you either do your best or you go do yourself!

 

So in came Ratso and Chow. I knew they never were meant to be leaders, and so did they. They knew I had IT, though, and so what better way to express my gratitude than to welcome them to the team? Of course, making a team moniker was going to be tough. We weren’t the Enforcers because we weren’t enforcing jack with anyone but ourselves. The Finn Experience was about to commence! Great name, huh?

 

Jackie then got a batcha that garlic around his neck and had to carry a little rabbit all for good luck. Having read the library books, Uncle said Chan had to hitch a ride to Ireland and go to the tomb from where the emerald was first stolen so the curse would be gone and done from him. Well, when he left the shop he got attacked by manic drivers and could’ve gotten squashed by a piano. Man, he was knee-deep in crap, wasn’t he? I was hoping that when he got into the taxi cab that the cab would blow up and end that one nightmare for me. The only bad luck this emerald doesn’t seem to guarantee is a stairway to heaven. What luck.

 

I should’ve arrived and smashed a guitar over his head, then it wouldn’t have been a very bad day for him and a very good day for me. But nooo, I had to drive myself, my buddies, and the jerk who gave away the gem back next to Uncle’s Rare Finds, showing us the doomed truth; Jackie was in a cab, and he had the emerald. See how rotten my luck is? Then the jerk said I better not take the emerald, cause it had an Irish curse. I’m Irish, you know, and I firmly swore those curses were…you got the idea. Tell you a secret; Ireland itself’s a curse to be in for me. I’m glad I came to the U.S. of A. cause Irely had no disco, no chance to move your groove, none of that. No wonder it’s got the word ire in it.

 

What do you mean I’m dissing my home country? I said I didn’t deserve this world, or did you forget?

 

Lemme move through Jackie’s crap in the airport and the plane. I didn’t find it funny. Nothing during that part of the trip was killing him. Plus I had to pay for all the airline expenses.

 

So when Jackie set foot on Ireland, he was getting pinched right and left by the welcoming Irish and Jade showed up to play his magical charm. Oh, yeah right. As if Jackie’s good luck will come from a girl who sleeps with a demon.

 

She hasn’t actually slept with anyone yet? But you guys wrote….You guys are a bunch of blarney, you know that?! And where’s that girl who wrote me with Chow? Her named sounded like Aviary, close to that.

 

Okay, I’m going out of subject. Since you don’t drink coffee, can I have some more?

 

You can tell my luck is horrible. My questionable sexuality was bad luck enough, but I never got to pinch Chan. I’m Irish, like the rest of ‘em! Can’t luck see that?

 

Yeah, I diss my home country. Doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to its rights, right?

 

Jackie also learned it was St. Paddy’s Day, so everybody was wearing green, even Jade, who had on green shoes. She took Jackie someplace where she could get him a nice green hat. Eck, green. Doesn’t go along with my attire, you see? Course you could see.

 

Jackie also got the call from his Uncle, while jackass Tohru was doing a good-luck liver-dance or whatever that was called. From the research he got, Uncle told Jackie, "Wear belt because you in danger of getting some. Avoid man named Seamus cause his name sounds like ‘semen’. And don’t turn back on open door cause someone’s gonna jump and hump you."

 

….Come on! My memory’s not good, man….Okay, okay, fine. Uncle told all these things because they would mean bad luck to Jackie. Glad now? But hey, I was theorizing, and weren’t they solid theories?

 

Chan first committed action #3. So there stood Chow, Ratso and I, meeting Chan for the first time since whatever. It wasn’t a pretty sight seeing him there in front of us, cause I’m no queer, make that known.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Ratso, Chow & Finn (**1/2)- Only 2 and a half stars?! But we threw him in the dumpster and I got the Emerald of Kamari! Not enough action? Come to think of it, I should’ve beaten him up more often when I had the chance. It basically began with me and Chan playing tug of war with his pants. Next, Ratso actually broke through the door. (Hitting the weight machines, wasn’t he?) Then Chan was running around Ireland in his skivvies, and during the run, some Seamus dude really wanted to get at him cause of the lousy wardrobe. And finally you watched yours truly give Chan less of what he deserved. Ah, well. Least I beat him.

 

Jackie got a big problem. Uncle, still with liver-dancing Tohru by his side, told him if the emerald was stolen, it meant it wasn’t offered willingly and the curse stayed with Jackie.

 

Jade figured a way to get the groove back on hapless Jackie.

 

All right! What the bleep was Goldy-Eyes doing in a leprechaun suit? All I can remember is that those little elves promote some half-assed cereal, Looky Charms or whatever it is. I think they’re also promoting cookies and starring in horror movies. Can anyone fill me in on what leprechauns are supposed to be?

 

Oh yeah, sure. Jade told the drunkards to tell her where the Emerald of Kamari was or it was hexing time. One ratted out, saying I had taken the emerald to a nearby potato factory. She was grateful, but the idiots began chasing her left and right because they thought capturing her would lead them to a pot of gold. It’s drunks like these who make drunk driving illegal; how tragic.

 

So I was up at the factory, calling a dealer over the best price for the emerald shining nicely in my hands. Really, no bad luck got me, as Jackie was warbling over and over back at the streets. I needed to set a huge price. No doubt Chow and Ratso would want their shares, even though they hardly did jack.

 

That was when Jackie came along and stowed off with the emerald, only to accidentally set off the factory, with him right down the middle! The machines should’ve pounded him to mush, but all he got was wet mush all over him. For a bad luck gem, this emerald was becoming a ripoff.

 

But dang it, I didn’t believe the emerald had any bad luck, so I demanded him to have the emerald back. Chan gave it back, and next thing I knew, he evaded Chow and Ratso’s grip and I got thrown into the line of the mish-mashing!

 

Jackie Chan [Handicap] vs. Ratso, Chow & Finn (****)- "****?!" You’re kidding me!

 

Jackie Chan [Handicap] vs. Ratso, Chow & Finn (DUD)- Hah hah, take that Jackson! No one ever messes with-

 

Jackie Chan [Handicap] vs. Ratso, Chow & Finn (****)- What do you mean I can’t decide the ratings for the show? Play-by-play man? Oh, alright….But you overrated this!

 

Meanwhile, Jade was being chased again, and she had no choice but to lead the drunkards to her pot of gold. I thought they were going to turn her into a skank. But this is Kids WB, isn’t it? That Hollywood hot shot should’ve put this in the prime-time slot. The action would’ve been hot and heavy. Plus, I’d get a girl!

 

Anyway, Jackie was manhandling Ratso and Chow with those crazy feet and fists. I’m telling you, the man committed cruel and unusual punishment. Dude, has he something against life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?

 

Oh, yeah. We were in Ireland. Thanks for reminding me.

 

Damn Jackson. He left me under a rain of falling potatoes (so much for my haircut) and smashing pillars that forced me to take the aspirin over and over again. He says he doesn’t promote violence, yet look what happened because he wouldn’t save me. Hypocrite! What does he take me for, a man with spuds for brains?

 

I’m not the one with spuds for brains, Valmont is, and I don’t care if your friend likes him or not.

 

I didn’t die. Glad that emerald’s bad luck wasn’t 100%. Sometimes, ripoffs could be good things.

 

Jackie began squashing us with all his spinning feet and throwing all three of us into the vat of mush. I gave him back the emerald quickly but my luck didn’t get any better. The drunkards showed up and I thought they wanted the green gem, but all they wanted was the pot of gold that Jade said I had stolen!

 

So me, Chow, and Ratso were running off again, like lousy jerks again…Hopefully, I’ll never return to Ireland...Agh, I caught something in my eye. Can you spare me a tissue? On second thought, forget it. I think I blinked it off.

 

Jackie and Jade got to the tomb and put the emerald back there, while carrying a whole flock of rabbits and then some. As he left back home, he got in the way of a black cat, a ladder, and a mirror he broke. I don’t really know how much bad luck he really got, but I hope it’s enough to f*** him up for the rest of his days.

 

There now. Chow and Ratso quitted afterwards, so here I am, explaining my take on that story. This was the biggest story I ever stared in, even if it was derogative to me. But this is only one story, and it’s not the end of my life. Someday, the world will lean to me. Someday, the world will be my world. Someday, the world will be left with two choices; Finn, or lose! Someday….Until then, I just wait.

 

Okay, now that I have said that all crap, let’s move on to that interview you’ve wanted me to make. Time to show what really gets me going!…What do you mean I’ve already said enough? I didn’t get to say anything about the 60s. Did I ever tell you I spent 20 years in the 60s? No, really. You see, I once traveled back into time-

 

A

 

Wha- Hey, we’re gonna end this already? And what do you mean A? Whatever happened to A+?….Not enough background on the St. Paddy thing? Yeah, the story acted like it could’ve happened any day. May be stereotypical for some viewers? Well, they didn’t say nothing about Irishmen waiting for their parents to croak so they can marry. I know you know that, so tell us the good parts about this show. Uh huh, Jackie’s bad luck was funny, but not so funny enough since it’s still HIS show. Oh, yeah, heh, heh, heh! Nothing like me to make a colorful story, and….hey, stop laughing over what happened in the potato factory! I don’t care from which part of the globe you come from, but nobody wants to get f***ed up like that. This show’s simply got NO justice! Unless they give me a raise, I’m not going back here again!

 

And why don’t I ever land a chick? Everyone thinks I go with Chow. Meanwhile, everybody thinks Hsi Wu deserves Jade…Horny bastard….

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 45…THE CHOSEN ONE

 

Studio Dude meets Creative Guy on the making of THE CHOSEN ONE.

 

Studio Dude 1: Well, now that the 8 Demon storyline has ended, kids will obviously be asking what's next for our series, Jackie Chan Adventures.

 

Creative Guy 2: Right on, though I must admit that some of our teenage and adult fans seem to get into this Hsi Wu/Jade relationship WAY too far. I'm telling you. One day this couple could make a religion or somethin'.

 

1: Don't get overzealous. Let's mosey in on this new character your creative staff have come up with.

 

2: Right on. The writers have a most excellent idea, man. Think about this. A creepy, white-haired man who can conjure evil chi spells, a sort of Anti-Uncle. He's going to have these weirdo tattoo symbols on his head and later he'll have jaws on the palm of his hands.

 

1: Jaws on his hands!? Think of what we could do if this show wasn't TV-Y7! Told you we should've aired this on HBO!

 

2: Damn Jackie Chan. "No, I want this show to be for kids. No sex or violence." This guy's got no creativity, man.

 

1: Back to this character. You say he's got white hair and all, like Valmont, but he can summon spells?

 

2: Yeah. His name is Daolan Wong. We're introducing him in the episode "The Chosen One".

 

1: The bad guy is a chosen one? I don't follow.

 

2: No, of course not! Creativity, man! We can't place Daolan Wong into the blue. We can't just call the episode "Enter the Wrath of Daolan Wong"! Too Hong Kong-ish. We need a story. So get this; Tohru, the big, fat sumo, is walking down the dark alleys of San Francisco to get some Chinese takeout to Uncle's Rare Finds, since he and the Chans are all hungry. Then, he senses he is being stalked by several shadows.

 

1: The Dark Hand?

 

2: Perhaps that's what he thinks. Well, in case they're coming back to molest them, Tohru starts going "Rawr!" on the so-called stalkers but then Uncle calms the sumo down to reveal that there are monks, monks in orange cloaks.

 

1: Like Buddhist monks?

 

2: Only we can't just call them Buddhist monks, since we don't know what the hell Buddhism really is. We'll just call them the Ben Shui Monks.

 

1: Ben Shui meaning?

 

2: Ask Jackie Chan. All I know is that it sounds Asian to me.

 

1: Fine then. So why have the monks come to Uncle's Rare Finds?

 

2: Because they want to find the Chosen One. Think of the Chosen One as the Asian Jesus Christ, or like the Buddha. He's a savior dude and he keeps coming back to the earth, and the monks believe Tohru is the Chosen One.

 

1: I love this! Tohru is the Chosen One? I'm getting a kick out of this already.

 

2: Well, Tohru's not YET the Chosen One. But the monks have followed a trail leading them to San Fran, and they FEEL he's their Chosen One, a'ight? So now they've got to get Tohru over to the Ben Shui temple so they can determine if he IS the Chosen One.

 

1: Can't those monks just bring with them a charm, a spell or something to test if Tohru's the Chosen One right away?

 

2: No, we can't do that. You know how religious guys want to perform ceremonies in their own temples, right? So since the Ben Shui temples are nowhere else but in Tibet, the Chans and Tohru have to go over to Tibet. Makes the setting more exotic, you know. Plus it prolongs the suspense.

 

1: Where does this new villain of yours fit in?

 

2: He fits in very soon. He's in this dark, creepy castle in Tibet, because you know how sorcerers are.

 

1: Yeah, they like to stay in the shadows. Must be because they've developed night vision.

 

2: Whatever. So, Daolan Wong has this cauldron of smoky magic and with it he sees the monks with Tohru the Chosen One walking their way to a village.

 

1: What happened to Jackie Chan, Jade and Uncle? In case you don't notice, this show is "Jackie CHAN Adventures"!

 

2: Don't worry. They're not important in the first 5 minutes because Tohru's the guy in question. The Chans are all carrying his baggage and being under Tohru's servitude. There'll be this gag where the monks keep telling the Chans to give the greater share of the services over to the sumo, and the sumo doesn't like that but can do nothing about it.

 

1: He's scared of defying little monks or what?

 

2: Just sensitive with religious dudes. You know how delusional they get. Got to admit some of these monks look odd. Their designs look like chipmunks rather than human beings.

 

1: Tell Jeff Matsuda to work on that. Back to the show....so Daolan Wong is using this cauldron to look at the Chosen One? Oh, I get it, so that he can claim the Chosen One and destroy him.

 

2: You're following. To ensure the "Forces of Darkness" (gotta love that phrase!) will prevail, Daolan decides to summon these orange-skinned warriors with red hair and black eyes. He does this by sprinkling magic powder into the cauldron, these three smoky clouds fly off, and they transform into these warriors.

 

1: Sounds great. They'll make great action figures, provided that JCA action figures start getting popular.

 

2: These orange-skinned warriors will be the Dark Chi Warriors. They've got these uber-radical weapons which they can summon out of their hands. Their names will be Gan, Ren and Chui. Gan's design so far looks to be like a bald-headed gridiron football player. He's the strongest of the trio and wields a sledgehammer which can come back to him like a boomerang. Chui's the smallest warrior, but he's got this weapon that works both as a staff and a triple-bar nunchuku, kinda like what those Ninja Turtles use, but twice as convenient, AND twice as dangerous.

 

1: Kids LOVE dangerous things.

 

2: The last warrior is Ren, and he's looking to be the top dog of the three. He's got this weapon called a Chakra. It's basically this giant throwing star that goes wherever he desires. We'll later have the Dark Hand's Finn become this Ren guy.

 

1: I thought Ren in Chinese meant something like peace.

 

2: Like kids are gonna get Chinese dictionaries and find out what those names mean! Anyways, the good guys head to some small housing. The Chans have to sleep on the dusty floor because the monks think Tohru needs all the mattresses, you know, to keep his good chi chugging along. But then, out comes one of the Dark Chi Warriors to attack.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Chui [NR]

 

2: This is just a prelude to a DCW's abilities. You see, Jackie keeps kicking and punching at Chui and knocks his nunchuku/staff thingy about 50 or so feet from him. Chui then summons that weapon back to his hands....

 

1: Like Darth Vader using The Force to reclaim his lightsaber.

 

2: Exactly. Uncle tells Jackie that the weapons and the Dark Chi Warriors are composed out of the same dark chi, and are therefore bonded by them. And before you ask that question, I'll answer that Tohru isn't fighting because the Ben Shui monks deem the Chosen One a peaceful being who must not resort to violence because his chosen champion (that's Jackie) must protect him. It's not a real problem for Chan, though, because he knuckles up against Chui and the warrior disappears to fight another time.

 

1: I don't get it. Why aren't Gan and Ren joining along with Chui to eliminate the Chosen One?

 

2: Let's just say it's a deliberate part of Daolan's plan. He first must gauge the ability of the Chosen One's champion, Jackie Chan, just to see how much muscle and mind he has. Later he'll bring in the cavalry to ensure Jackie and Tohru are chop suey.

 

1: Well, Chui's obviously disappeared to tell his master the news. How soon do you expect Gan and Ren will follow?

 

2: Not immediately. We've still got almost 15 minutes more for the show, so they'll come back later. So morning rises, because Dark Chi Warriors can't fight off in the sunlight. Bad guys like nighttime, you know.

 

1: You better put a memo on that. I have a feeling future writers keep breaking rules on our series. Remember when we kept having Jade whine all the time about a cell phone, and in the Hsi Wu story she actually had one?

 

2: Hopefully that was a rare instance of events. So anyways, the monks continue leading the way to the Ben Shui Temple. They're now more convinced that Tohru's the Chosen One because the sumo's been acting extremely selfless. He is refusing to jeopardize the Chans and company for fear that the Dark Chi Warriors will bring more kitchen tools to mince 'em, slice 'em, dice 'em, wok 'em and deep-fry 'em. You get the gist. However, this means the journey for Tohru will have to continue. So, after walking many more miles, the heroes meet a bunch of village people, who run in to take a gander at the Chosen One, or at least who they think is the Chosen One. The Chans are not happy that Tohru's getting all the attention, since all they're getting is the duty of baggage carrying, but Tohru, the big, loveable lug, ain't all smiles either. Later, during the supposed naptime, Jade notices the sumo has gone AWOL and will find Tohru at this house, washing some dishes, and the sumo will start moaning about not wanting to be a celebrity.

 

1: The ole "I don't want to be a celebrity because I don't like being famous." With Tohru, it's meaningful. With Jackie Chan, it's hypocritical.

 

2: So true. Well, Jade tries to cheer up Tohru by saying that being a Chosen One kind of celebrity is a good thing, because lots of people can look up to him, and unlike most would-be celebrities, Tohru's a real good person.

 

1: Although he WAS a Dark Hand member who tried to kill the Chans when he had the chance.

 

2: Cut the scandal crap! I'm already sick and tired of you mentioning Jackie's love-child! Back to the story, Tohru is convinced by Jade's kind words and decides to go along with being a Chosen One.

 

1: Ever felt Jade and Tohru may one day be a couple?

 

2: Oh, come what now. Which is the more sicker choice for Jade, going with a 1000 year old demon or going with a 600 pound fatso?

 

1: The 600 pound fatso.

 

2: The fans have spoken. But suddenly, the village gets attacked again by the Dark Chi Warriors! This means Jackie Chan is up and ready for action!

 

1: Which is what Chan is meant to do on this show!

 

Jackie Chan & Uncle w/ Jade, Tohru & Ben Shui Monks vs. The Dark Chi Warriors [***1/2]

 

2: Now, this action sequence mustn't take too long because bigger plots are required. Ren shows off how evil his Chakra is by leveling a nearby temple (but not the big cheese temple) as it whisks through it. Jackie does a whole lot of a$$-whooping with those boots of his but the warriors quickly bust a move or two into Tohru's sanctuary. Ren could use the Chakra to bring the building down but he feels it's best to witness 600 pounds of mincemeat for himself, so he goes inside. The other warriors and Jackie do the same. Jackie uses a bowl of vegetables to block the Chakra and comments, "Chopped salad", before tossing bowl and all onto Ren.

 

1: Humor and action. I like it.

 

2: Jackie's in some tight spots as the warriors summon their weapons to bust all the Chan Man's bones, until Uncle saves everybody by chanting "Yu Mo Gue Guai Fai Dei Tzao" while waving that gecko thing...or that puffer fish thing, we'll figure that part out. The Dark Chi Warriors disappear because the good chi spell has stopped them.

 

1: You know, I'm always wondering why that chant and waving a dead animal are always the solutions to defeating bad magic. Uncle keeps saying "Magic must defeat magic" and all, but he really uses the same ole spell.

 

2: I agree. Now if only Harry Potter could do the same thing, then Voldemort would've been dead as a doornail by Book 4.

 

1: Maybe we should be more innovative. Let's make Uncle cook a chi spell with kitchen ingredients and a huge cauldron of soup. We'll also let Jade dance around with some chi charms, since she looks so cute (and HOT) when she dances.

 

2: Good idea. I'll jot those notes down. O.K., well after the dust's been settled, the Ben Shui monks are convinced that Tohru should be tested in the temple steadfastly, or else these Dark Chi Warriors will continue to harass them. Meanwhile, Daolan Wong, who's been using his magic cauldron like satellite surveillance, is quite dismayed to see that the "Chosen One" and the champion are being aided by a chi wizard much like himself. It's not the rules of the Ben Shui order to have more than one guardian for the Chosen One, after all.

 

1: So he pretty much says, "If my men can't do it, I'll do it myself."

 

2: Close, but that'd be formulaic. Daolan instead thinks he should assist his men by handling Uncle while they handle Jackie AND Tohru. Daolan assumes that Uncle is just as magically endowed and feeble-bodied as him, of course.

 

1: But of course. Daolan's the Anti-Uncle.

 

2: A'ight. On to set piece numero tres!

 

Jackie Chan, Jade, Uncle & Tohru vs. Daolan Wong & The Dark Chi Warriors [***1/2]

 

2: The Chans, Tohru and a whole batch of Ben Shui monks are inside the majestic temple, where they are assured that no malevolent forces can enter in once the door is shut. But un-un-uh, guess who just happens to be in the temple too, donning an orange cloak like the other monks?

 

1: Uh, let me guess, uh, Daolan Wong.

 

2: You're learning, my boy, you're learning! Daolan's in disguise and he quietly sprinkles his magic powder over a tub of water.

 

1: A tub of water? Is that for the procession?

 

2: Or for drinking or baptizing, who really gives a damn about it anyway? The water turns smoky and out pop the Dark Chi Warriors. Uncle explains that it's a dark chi trick; the malevolent forces couldn't enter in, so they've been summoned from within the temple! Jackie gets alive and kicking while an old bearded man revives Tohru's memory to reawaken the Chosen One inside him. Jackie makes them go wham, bam, and slam! But their weapons catch up to our sprightly hero and he's got to play tag with them.

 

1: Aren't these Dark Chi Warriors supposed to destroy the Chosen One? Why can't they save time and energy and just kill the prime target? The script says something about Tohru lying down on a couch while he's being "reawakened".

 

2: Oh, um, you see, the monks are all moving the couch back and forth so the Dark Chi Warriors can't assassinate Tohru in a jiffy. Add the swift feet of Mr. Chan and the Dark Chi Warriors got a couch-sized headache.

 

1: I can tell. If the monks are moving too fast for the DCWs, maybe the Ben Shui Order ought to go Shaolin-style on their rears....of course, since they're peaceful monks....

 

2: Whatever.

 

1: And Daolan Wong? Where's he been all this time?

 

2: Well, he walks into Uncle, who has a mighty strong inkling of the magic man behind the Dark Chi Warriors.

 

1: Oh, but that's very obvious. If you're in a temple filled with monks and you're the only one wearing more makeup than Marilyn Manson, people will definitely want to label you the Anti-Christ weirdo.

 

2: No doubt. Uncle raises up the dead gecko and dead blowfish and taunts at Daolan Wong by saying he's a student of Chi Master Fong. Wong has this evil smile and finally reveals his name before admitting that he has defeated Chi Master Fong.

 

1: Wong defeated Fong? Well, this villain's off to a good start. Anyone who can piss off the Chan's magic man has got to be a potent villain indeed.

 

2: So it's mano a mano, magician versus magician, and the two exchange billowing beams of magic, Uncle off his dead animals, and Fong off his glowing scepter.

 

1: Uncle's got to be the first good guy wizard who makes most if not all his spells out of corpses. If I were a chi wizard, I'd be sane enough to pick the scepter.

 

2: My sentiments exactly. Well, Jackie's getting cornered again and is asking the monks about how long the spell must go on. He doesn't get a real reply, but one of the monks hands him a crude excuse of a staff. The monk clarifies that the staff belonged to the former Chosen One, a yak shepherd named Chop Yep, and the staff contains precious good chi to fend off the dark forces.

 

1: Chop Yep, huh? Sounds like something I ate back at Panda Express....Hey, wait a minute! Don’t we have this guy named Chaep Yaep, directing “The Lotus Temple” and “Chi Vampire”?

 

2: Whoa, you’re right. What a co-inky-dink….Back to the show, Jackie puts his faith in the stick, and with a swing he drives the Dark Chi Warriors back.

 

1: Swing, batter, batter, batter!

 

2: Unfortunately, the Dark Chi Warriors remain 3 to one on Jackie's butt, as do their weapons. The staff is knocked off Jackie's hands, and naturally, Jackie supposes summoning the staff to his hands wouldn't hurt. Boy, is he wrong. He reaches his hand towards the weapon, Jedi-style, and the staff knocks him in the chest for quite some distance.

 

1: I'm actually amazed that this is Jackie Chan's show, yet he keeps wanting his cartoon likeness to get hurt in oddball fashions.

 

2: Maybe it's because the real Chan's getting too old to risk breaking more bones than he already has, so he wants cartoon Chan to take the brunt of things.

 

1: Poor Jackie. Cartoon Jackie, I mean...

 

2: Back to our show...our ever-courageous Jade Chan is tired of standing up without working her ass off. She wants action!

 

1: So who's she going out with?

 

2: No, no, no, Jade wants to fight the Dark Chi Warriors. Luckily for her, the staff's nary a foot afar from her. She parries the DCWs’ attacks “Matrix”-style with the stick.

 

1: Now how in the world could she possibly move like Neo when she’s a ten-year old who can’t do a jump kick without getting nabbed by the leg?

 

2: That answer will come up later on this show. Well, Jade’s not totally perfecto with Chop Yep’s staff. Ren again shows how nasty he is by chopping down the stick.

 

1: He missed!

 

2: Huh?

 

1: If Jade’s holding the stick and is getting the DCWs all p’oed, why not make life easier and kill Jade as well?

 

2: Then there wouldn’t be a Jade Chan, and everybody by now knows there can’t be a "Jackie Chan Adventures" without Jade Chan. What, we can’t have some daily gimmick where Jade is offed and somebody screams, “Oh My God! They killed Jade-y!” It’s just not original.

 

1: And taking scenes off “The Matrix” is?

 

2: (Cough, Cough) Jade refuses to stay down and shields Tohru as best as she can, but then the chants halt and the procession is complete. Everybody drops their fists and stares as Tohru wakes back up….But Tohru can not remember anything about his past life, and certainly nothing about having been a yak shepherd. It is then announced that Tohru’s not the Chosen One after all. The big sumo gives a loud shout of joy that he’s not the Chosen One after all.

 

1: Well, he’s gotten rid of the mental baggage. Now what he ought to do is get rid of the baggage on his waistline.

 

2: A heavy burden falls on the forces of darkness….literally. Now permitted to unleash the beast within, Tohru removes his white savior’s cloak and lobs the warriors across the temple like rag dolls. Unable to recover from the twist, Daolan Wong desperately swears that he’ll get back at the Chans for this. Uncle’s reply, and this’ll be one of the coolest visual gags in the plot, is a chi-powered coil that’ll terminate in a magical hand whapping two fingers across Wong’s forehead!

 

1: Oh my gosh, that sounds incredible! We’ve got to put that in future JCA commercials!

 

2: That we will. Wong is then banished from the temple as Uncle’s magic rockets him back where he belonged. The Dark Chi Wizard’s in a space program….Morning time, the next day. Jackie’s carrying the baggage again but Tohru arrives and spares Jackie from suffering hernia. The Ben Shui Order and the Chan Clan bid farewell until they meet again, and our heroes are off.

 

But as that happens, one of the monks quietly walks over to the others and wonders out loud if the Chosen One was in the right place, but in the wrong vessel. The monk has observed that Jade’s affable use of the staff may raise some questions about the power that lies within her. And fin, the story ends.

 

1: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on now. Did you just say Jade was the REAL Chosen One? Now why’d you do that? Jade is a tomboy, I understand that, but being resurrected out of a boy? What’s with that?

 

2: I may not be a genius on Buddhism, but I do know it says something about resurrection, and in that doctrine, anything is possible. Even gender switching.

 

A-

 

1: All in all, it sounds like an awesome show to follow up the Demon Door stories. So do you think kids will follow up with Jade being a Chosen One?

 

2: Not sure. I've got to admit it's kinda kooky for a girl to be resurrected out of a man. I'm getting goose bumps now every time I sleep with my wife.

 

1: Sucks to you. What'll happen if that doesn't work?

 

2: The backup option is that the talismans in Section 13 are screwed around with, causing animals all over the world to receive the magical spirits instead. The Chans go globetrotting while Daolan Wong chases after them.

 

1: Sounds dandy to me. By the way, is Hsi Wu coming back any time this generation?

 

2: We'll see, dude. We'll see.