Episode 35…DANGER IN THE DEEP FREEZE- Across the snowy Arctic, Jackie and Jade ride a dog sleigh in pursuit of a finding in an Arctic cave. Jade says all she’s found so far is frostbite on her butt (Hsi Wu would just love to lick it warm, but, oh, never mind!) Jackie turns to Jade and tells her that the explorer and his Inuit bands must’ve been frightened of the finding and have henceforth fled from the scene. The Chans go inside the icy cave, and indeed what their eyes capture is a motionless hairy biped trapped in a slab of ice. Both are amazed by this giant ape, so Jackie whacks his mattock against the slab and latches it up to the sled. Suddenly, a rove of Inuit natives show up with crude spears in their hands. No, they haven’t resorted to cannibalism....The natives, led by a weary-voiced elder, don’t condone Jackie’s actions to claiming the ice slab, warning that the creature inside is evil. Jackie tells this harmless body is for the benefit of research. Evidently, the eskimoes distrust researchers.....

 

Jackie Chan w/Jade vs. The Inuit (**3/4)- Jackie proves to be as slippery as the Arctic ice, for he easily evades the Inuit spears and even uses one to knock some natives cold. Jade arrives to steer the dog sled in for Jackie to help. Jade’s so proud of controlling a dog sled (as close to riding a car as she’s gotten) that she doesn’t notice Jackie and the slab latched off from the sled. After getting through several bumps and roads, Jackie and the slab latch back into the sled which stops by a snowy bank, which drops piles of white over the Chan Man. Jackie declares Jade is revoked from being at the helm of a sleigh again.

 

Carrying a gargantuan slab sounds like an impossible task for Jackie and Jade. Luckily, Tohru’s present in this expedition, and the slab manages to be set at the center of the steel cabin. Uncle, also present, chatters teeth and ponders why would Jackie lower the thermostat near freezing temperatures. Jackie replies that the finding must be preserved and it is far too big to just push into a freezer. With a pickax, Jackie pries out an artifact bearing Inuit inscriptions. He hands the artifact to Uncle, who is off to translate it. Jade, meanwhile, talks to the big ice slab about stuff from America. Poor Jade. When can anyone be her truly good friend?

 

That night, Jackie, Uncle and Tohru have already taken to their beds. Tohru amazingly is still donning his white shirt and black overalls while going asleep. Actually, that may not be too amazing. Weighing 600 pounds, Tohru looks like he’s got plenty of blubber to survive a jump out of the Titanic.

 

Jade’s the only one who has yet to meet the Sandman. She decides to read the inscriptions on the artifact, and manages to gather a line about cold turning into heat so something could arise, and if night turns to day something will roam free. As she questions this, the monster’s shut eyes seemingly click open and then close down again. Jade peers carefully at the monster, swearing that it, in fact, is alive. She looks up at the thermostat, and thinks it’s worth a shot.

 

Jackie comes up out of his bed sweating in his thick blue parka. Wondering whether he’s being turned on by dreams of Viper again, the Chan Man then walks over to the thermostat, which reads 90 degrees! Neither Uncle nor Tohru understand the sudden rise in heat, and Jackie’s bulb is dinged as he realizes the ice slab is in danger! He runs toward the location of the slab, only to find pools of water!

 

But that’s not the end of it. Jackie, Uncle, and Tohru hear sounds coming from the kitchen. They peer their faces into the kitchen and see Jade sitting by the living, breathing sasquatch, who is gobbling down a bowl of cereal. Jade calls the bigfoot Dwayne, named after a friend’s father who carries a hairy back. Jade wants to take him to America, let him see all the sights there is to offer. For the bazillionth time, Jackie chides at his niece, saying that she’s not supposed to handle things she can’t understand, and that includes things that are supposedly on ice.

 

This next segment is unintentionally hilarious. Dwayne sees an open freezer drop an ice cube, which soon melts into water. Dwayne’s eyes become bloodshot and he screams as if in trauma. I’m not sure why he should be traumatic by witnessing a reenactment of his own freedom. Wouldn’t it have been traumatic if he instead sees a puddle of water turn into an ice cube? Perhaps he’s screaming because he realizes he’s had a very enticing dream and he curses being woken out of it.... Well, anyways, Dwayne grabs the freezer and throws it into the wall before he runs across the open tundra. Well, Jade, there’s one more reason why you should always close freezer doors after you’ve finished getting your food....

 

Jackie and Jade hop aboard a dog sleigh and follow Dwayne the beast. Turns out that there are human footprints along the same trail as Dwayne, and there are fish bones scattered across the trail as well. Jackie doesn’t understand why would the Inuit natives lure Dwayne if they’re so scared of him.

 

At the sudden moment, a snowmobile revs across the top of a hill, and with that, a giant avalanche roars down below to the Chans. The Chans scream but are quickly provided safe distance from the dogs who man (or dog?) the sleigh. As the piles of snow settle harmlessly, the Chans thank the dogs and Jade adds this is one more thrill to their adventures. Jackie would’ve chided his niece’s flair for dangerous thrills, but now an improbable development’s at hand. Someone’s ridden a snowmobile to activate an avalanche. This is no accident. Someone apparently wants Dwayne. Jackie hears footsteps crunching the snow, and as he looks back, there walks Uncle, who’s finished translation and is off to go ice-fishing. Uncle informs his family that the ice monster’s not dangerous. In fact, the Inuit natives of long ago have intended to free Dwayne from his prison, and could not. Jackie asks Jade and Uncle to come with him to the Inuit camp, which can’t be far off. Uncle sighs, saying that he never gets any quality time of his own. How right he is. He might be the oldest virgin we’ve ever known.....

 

Indeed, a small Inuit campsite is being settled not far off. Jackie and Jade both notice the leader of the natives as the weary-voiced elder with huge white whiskers pouring down his cheeks. Jackie sneaks behind the elder’s tent and feels his back prodded by a spear, held by no one less than the elder. The elder boasts he can hear Jackie a mile away, but he’s unprepared for Uncle and Jade, who walk up from behind him. Jade immediately accuses the elder of kidnapping Dwayne. The elder humbly dismisses the remark, though Uncle metaphorically steps on his foot by pointing out huge footprints that no human being could possess. The elder surrenders and invites the Chans inside his tent.

 

With a small fire centered in his tent, the elder speaks of how the great shaman of the band has foretold that one day this monster would awaken and represent the evil plaguing the eskimoes. He says it must be destroyed. Uncle tells the elder that shamans are always a pack of crocks. The elder feels insulted by Uncle’s remark and the two are embroiled in a war of words. Uncle shows the elder the artifact explaining Dwayne and his relation to the Inuit of old. The elder is astounded yet he accepts the claim, but still, he insists he trusts the shaman more on the matter. Jackie asks to see this shaman.

 

Leaving the entrance of the tent, Jackie sees a tied-up Dwayne being carried onto a snowmobile. He then exclaims to the Inuit elder that that’s not a shaman at present; that’s Peter Bailey, a black marketer! The elder says that Bailey has the apparent power of a shaman. Bailey talks to people on a box, after all. Jade takes out Jackie’s cell phone and believes this must’ve been what the elder’s seen. She adds that all Americans save her have this kind of phone, regretfully....(But I remember having her this phone at “TotDT”. What’s happened, Jade? Calling 1-700-ILUV-HSIW too often?) The elder grumbles audibly at learning of these revelations.

 

The Chans and the elder walk towards Peter Bailey, who, with Australian accent, speaks that he shall carry away this abominable evil from the band. Recognizing the Chan’s attitude against him, he even attacks the Chans as emissaries of the evil. The elder tells Bailey that his pretense ain’t gonna cut it anymore. But Bailey, his hands firm on the snowmobile handles, quickly zoom off from the band with Dwayne carried behind him. Jackie leaps onto a dog sled and makes chase against the Australian Peter Bailey. (Yeesh. Exactly how many villains in JCA speak English or Australian accents? When will it end?)

 

Left alone with the Inuit elder, Uncle asks the elder if he knows how to ice-fish. The elder grumbles, “What do you think? I eat at a fast food burger place?” Strange that he knows of burger drive-thrus and yet not even a phone, which should be even more common worldwide.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Peter Bailey (**1/2)- Same old, same old. The match isn’t as fast as it sounds, even if one’s aboard a dog sleigh and the other’s on a snowmobile. Bailey looks at his vehicle’s fuel gauge and it points to “E”. Waydiggo, Bailey. Should’ve come prepared with gas canisters or something. Capitalizing on this huge plot contrivance, Jackie grabs a hatchet off the sled and lobs it against the snowmobile, leaving it careening out of control and off a hill. Nice shot. Jackie is soon met by harpoons fired by Bailey. He crouches behind the wrecked snowmobile, while Bailey taunts at him that Jackie oughta be a finding in another thousand years. At that moment, Dwayne frees himself from his bounds (let’s see...snowmobile running out of fuel, ropes not too strong, sedatives not working properly...how many things go wrong with bad guy poachers?!) Dwayne threatens to lob a giant ball of snow against Bailey, who is compelled to harpoon the creature (now he wants to off the big reason he’s come here?! Gee, this guy’s an essa!) Jackie wastes no time and strikes a direct hit on Bailey’s face with a snowball. Bailey accidentally fires the harpoon at Dwayne’s giant snowball, and Dwayne falls off. (Either the ape’s clumsy, or his legs are still affected by sedatives....) The giant snowball, however, is massive enough to crack the fragile ice floor. Conveniences of conveniences, the floor cracks right where Bailey is, sending him adrift to the seas. Jackie throws Bailey an ice-fisher’s pole and tells him that he should reach solid ground in a few days.

 

Dwayne is truly free as he can be (sorry, can‘t get over RotP two episodes ago). Jade and Tohru arrive to the coast on skis, with Tohru doing a remarkably horrid job riding on one. (One of these days, Tohru’s gonna ski himself off the Himalayas....) Jackie tells Jade that now Dwayne can come along with the Chans to America, but Jade recognizes her conscience. She tells Jackie that Dwayne should stay in the Arctic, because only there will he be truly free just as the old Inuit have intended. Jackie understands Jade’s reasons; besides, it would save plenty on feeding and sheltering the sasquatch back at the States. With that, the Chans bid farewell to Dwayne, who with big, unmovable grin, walks on all fours far off into the horizon.

 

Jackie Chan thinks this is a good close to a story, till he remembers that Uncle’s back at the Inuit camp! He fears Uncle wants to murder the counterpart known as the elder of the band!

 

Actually, it’s more like a murder of pride. Back at the camp, Uncle and the elder hold up their fish baits, a mung bean wrapped in seaweed and a minnow-like fish, respectively. As both seniors dip the baits and the fishing lines connected with them, each man gets a bite, but as they yank their lines up, their lines have apparently been tied up. Uncle notices his bait’s gone while the elder’s bait remains where it is. Uncle proudly jibes that the fish must’ve favored his line. The elder sees no such proof, unless the actual fish has been caught. The seniors start blading each other with back and forth arguments. How this match will terminate is beyond me, cause the show’s 20 minutes are up.

 

C

 

Some tried and true movie formulas can’t work to everyone’s advantage. Not even a great show like JCA can figure out how to twist this story into something special. The plot’s been recycled so many times that recycling it again should be a crime. For gosh sakes, we all know this story before!....The giant, misunderstood monster, the child who knows he’s better than that, the village natives who are all spooked at him and the (European/Australian) poacher who wants to take him in for an exorbitant treasure of money..... An original cantata this definitely ain’t. The only standout of this show is the elder among the band of eskimoes; he’s hilariously anachronistic and keeps himself afloat among the drabness. Speaking of afloat, compare this episode to an iceberg. “Danger in the Deep Freeze” is neat-looking and harmless at first, but soon you’ll realize how frigid in originality it is for nearly the entire length.

 

*  *  *

 

 

Episode 36…INTO THE MOUTH OF EVIL- Jackie Chan arrives into a building complex to find an Indian curator named Mr. Jambah. Chan has decided to run a little errand for the Indian, who wants our hero to send some photos over to a convention in Calcutta. As Jackie enters the room of his colleague, however, he hears threatening voices demanding the Sutras of Rachtajhiba, which Jambah helplessly denies exists in his possession. When Jambah sees the Chan Man, he immediately calls for help, and the three imposing Indians who’ve threatened him turn their sights to the Action Man from China. They tell Jackie to stay out of this. But Jackie, like a cat, doesn’t like staying out….

 

Jackie Chan [Handicap] w/ Jambah vs. Mohaja’s Disciples (***3/4)- At first, Mohaja’s Disciples take control of the Chan Man with a hybrid style of yoga skills and aerial artistry. A few good kicks, and Chan is sent back, nearly knocking a miniature statue of Shiva (or someone related to her), which Jambah manages to save. With all his strength, Jambah swings the statue against a disciple, but the individual escapes and the statue strikes Jackie’s jaw instead!

 

Before anything more can get broken, Jackie grabs a pair of nearby barrier posts and begins swinging them around like a giant nunchuku! He latches one end of the posts around a disciple’s leg before sending the foe on a collision course with his friends. Dizzy and stunned, the Disciples of Mohaja make like tigers when Jambah finally sets off the alarm.

 

Jackie asks Jambah why those bad men have come to the building. Jambah explains that those men are after the Sutras of Rachtajhiba, a powerful yet evil incantation from ancient India. But he doesn’t understand why those men would pursue him, considering that the Sutras are merely legendary. Jambah somewhat changes the subject, giving Jackie the necessary photos before the Chan Man can go to Calcutta.

 

Jackie is about to leave but he holds his jaw achingly, and Jambah is convinced that Jackie needs a dentist to help him. So Jambah gives Jackie a free-of-charge dental appointment with an expert named Dr. Weber.

 

At the dentist office, Weber tells Jackie that a filling on his tooth has been broken, so all that’s necessary will be a replacement filling. While the Novocain is administered on Jackie, Weber readily holds up a tiny temple with a filling conveniently inside it.

 

At a makeshift temple, the three imposing Indians make their way before their master, a turban-donning elder named the Mohaja. Before the nervous Indians can attempt a perfect cover up, the Mohaja raises his fingers to his noodle, reading the goings-on in their minds. He learns that a man named Jackie Chan has somehow vanquished all three of his disciples, and he asks to know more about this lithe powerhouse.

 

The Mohaja and his disciples enter the local airport, and manage to find Jackie Chan and niece Jade departing from Uncle. The Mohaja attempts to read their minds, but is confused when he can get no reading indicating the whereabouts of the Sutras in question. All he reads is Jade being eager to leave school, Uncle hoping Jackie would bring curry powder on the way home, and Jackie feeling how much he will miss Uncle. Thinking that too many people may be clouding his mind, the Mohaja attempts to move closer, when he suddenly sees Jambah nearby. He demands Jambah to know where the Sutras are, but Jambah simply smiles with great confidence. Mohaja quickly reads his mind, and in great surprise, he orders his disciples to board Jackie’s plane, but it’s too late…by then, the plane is ready for takeoff.

 

Jackie and Jade have now come by the archaeologists’ convention in Calcutta. Jackie eagerly stuffs hors de oeuvres into his mouth but spits them back out for his filling is still a major pain. Jade wishes not to be in the company of the food-spitter, so she parts ways. As Jackie regains composure, he stands up and sees a curvaceous Indian woman with deep purple eyes. The woman turns out to be Portia Martindale, Jambah’s colleague, and she’s the one Jambah wants to be given his photos. As Portia eyes the photos, she convinces Jackie to come over to the balcony and have a little chat over the photos and then some. As they walk to the balcony, Jade actually mouths words of encouragement. (Whoa, she thinks Portia and Jackie would be a couple? Guess she feels Viper’s always missing in action, huh?)

 

As Portia and Jackie begin speaking a few nice words, Portia drops the photos, and Jackie is compelled to pick them up for her. While he’s bowing down, Portia waves over to afar. The scene pans to the innards of a van, where one man tells the other that the signal’s come.

 

When Jackie hands the photos back to Portia, it’s not long when the ferocious Mohaja’s Disciples point at Jackie, and quickly chase him. Jackie runs, runs, as fast he can, but the disciples can’t catch him, cuz he’s the Chan Man!

 

Jackie Chan [Handicap] vs. Mohaja’s Disciples (NR)- Actually, the following is a dull chase sequence that’s surprisingly uninteresting from the onset. Jade, once again the wannabe underage driver, grabs someone’s motorcycle and zooms off to pursue her uncle. Jackie runs across a street full of cars, and…OH MY GAWD! What in the world’s happened to the cars in this scene? The cars are so miniature that they stand halfway to Jackie’s legs!!! (Poor perspective, or "El Cheapo Sleazo Effect"?) Anyways, Jackie grabs a bus and takes off, but the disciples go into the bus, followed closely by Portia on a two-wheeler herself. Jackie evades the disciples and then leaps off onto an elephant. When the elephant crashes someplace, Jackie hits a spice stand and then Uncle phones in with a reminder over the curry powder. Jackie gets a bag of powder and continues running off. He goes into an alley and that’s when a van stops right before him. Before he knows it, a gas is sprayed out of the van, and Jackie catches some reluctant Zs….

 

Jackie awakes, and he finds himself at a seat in a makeshift dentist’s office. He then sees Jambah, Dr. Weber and Portia standing in front of him, confessing they have so much to explain to him. It turns out that the Sutras of Rachtajhiba are real, and they’ve been hidden in Jackie’s replacement filling all along! Jackie has been the unwilling courier, which is why Mohaja couldn’t stop Jackie at the most opportune time. Jackie also learns from Jambah that the Sutras are a 3,000-word incantation ingeniously inscribed on a tiny plate of silver. It is then added that if the Sutras return to the Ganges River, the river will dry up, unveiling the treasure of many Indian realms of old. But Jackie, ever the sentimentalist (or better yet, environmentalist), exclaims that the ruin of the Ganges River will lead to the fall of millions of poor natives. Portia simply says she doesn’t mind offing her own native people for a couple of smackeroos. (Gee, why are so many JCA villains under the English influence?) Then, Jackie realizes the truth about Mohaja’s Disciples; they’ve been trying to take the Sutras away from the sinister trio who’ve been playing strings on him!

 

Jade quickly busts open the door, ready to give the foes her special shots to the mouth! Portia thinks Jade needs a sucker, and more p’oed than ever, Jade gets ready for action.

 

Jackie Chan & Jade vs. Mr. Jambah, Dr. Weber and Portia Martindale (***1/2)- The sequences in the dentist’s office are so quick and well-coordinated, they’re hard to describe in words, but Tajeri Lynn will try. Jade frees Jackie with the dental drill and the Chan Man manages to snare the Sutras off Jambah’s pocket with a magnetic line. Portia reverses the patient’s seat to trip Jackie, who accidentally throws the Sutras into the sink. Jackie happily perks that the plan has failed, now that the Sutras have gone down the drain. But he then learns that the drains lead into…GANGES RIVER! Jade and Jackie are suddenly held at ray-point, as Portia adjusts a potent x-ray peripheral, ready to emit radiation into uncle and niece. But through Jade’s advice, Jackie takes his bag of curry powder and thrusts the powder across the room. The distraction works, and Jackie and Jade leave the room, before jumping into the sewers.

 

Hoping to find the Sutras before it can cause doom, Jade cranks a drainage wheel perhaps a bit too much, and the waves send her and Jackie coursing through the tunnels until they finally stop near the terminal at the very river. Luckily for them, the Sutras indicate their whereabouts through weird chanting noises and a shiny glint across the murky waters. Jackie leaps out of the tunnel, grabs the Sutras and flings the incantation to Jade just as he hits the river.

 

Jade catches the Sutras, and as she turns around, Jambah, Weber and Portia are closing in on her. Suddenly, the trio freeze like statues, and Jade sees Mohaja and his disciples arrive. Jackie climbs back up the tunnel and explains that Mohaja and his disciples are good guys. (Wait a minute! Jackie’s climbed back up the tunnel? How can he do that? Look at the arrangement of that tunnel sticking out of the wall, and you’ll see what I mean!) Jambah, Weber and Portia are apparently frozen thanks to Mohaja’s mind control. The mystic Indian gratefully takes the Sutras, which he will keep safely from ruthless hands like Jambah’s. Mohaja also kindly helps out Jackie by ridding him of the toothache, and, incredibly enough, figures out a call coming from Chan’s lost cell phone. Mohaja tells Jackie that Uncle is reminding the Chan Man to bring curry powder, and then the Mohaja brings another message from Uncle, one that doesn’t involve words. The Mohaja closes all but two of his fingers on a hand, and whacks the fingers on Jackie’s brow. Jade giggles at Jackie. No one is safe from Uncle, not even from halfway around the world…

 

B-

 

What reads great on paper isn’t the total case with "Into the Mouth of Evil". Considering the creativity of the premise (Jackie is carrying a magical item in his tooth), this episode should’ve been better, and more exciting. Unfortunately, the story is dragged badly by formulaic and uncharismatic dialogue that leaves us wondering what is the catch phrase of the day. As much as action is said to be the game of JCA, wordplay makes up for half its success, and the simplistic phrases make us wanna beg for the Enforcers to come up and steal the show, even if the guest characters do provide steady voice acting. At least there’s some interesting tidbits of Indian culture here, and let’s not forget the scene-stealing characters.….Mildly recommended.