Episode 32…TALE OF THE DEMON TAIL- The Chans and Tohru are at the Red Sox Stadium in Boston. Jade knows they're off to banish another demon, and finds that a spectacle well worth missing the baseball game. Jackie has a flute prepared, since apparently Uncle already knows the next demon to banish is apparently the Sky Demon Hsi Wu, who could only be struck out via the symbol of the Immortal who has previously vanquished him. There're only two things Jade enjoys more than watching this battle come into play, so we learn; eating the Sox Dogs (can you call them that?) and guzzling on root beers. Unfortunately, she notices it's time for a time out to the ladies' restroom.
Not far, Ratso, Chow, and Shendu/Valmont have the Pan Ku Box with them. It turns out the portal is located at the door of the ladies' restroom, where Jade happens to be inside, waiting to get to inside a restroom. (Trivia: I can't believe this, but someone makes note of this scene in a website dedicated to women in desperation. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you don't need to know...) Jackie suddenly realizes Jade may be in trouble. He pauses there and says "Jade!" three or so times, and finally, the Enforcers come out and attack Chan. Meanwhile, Uncle and Tohru prepare Chi Spell ingredients.
Jackie Chan, Tohru & Jade w/Uncle vs. The Enforcers, Shendu/Valmont & Hsi Wu (*****+)- It's not often at all you've got a Wargames-style tag battle, especially in "Jackie Chan Adventures", or for that matter, a baseball stadium. But here, creativity has gone through the roof. Chow and Ratso supply the 'chucks (and chuckles), Jackie serves up deadly condiments, Tohru gives the Enforcers a ball (or two, or three, or four, or...), and Valmont is still in a sorcerer's gown, which I think IS a dress. The most underdone performers are Jade and Hsi Wu, who pretty much play tug of war with a door. Don't worry, though. This isn't the last we see of them. ANY of them.
Although the Dark Hand and Hsi Wu have escaped, Jade shows to her friends the squirming tail of Hsi Wu. Interestingly enough, Hsi Wu's tail is lost during the tug o' war, yet it demands to find the master to which it belongs. (And I've always thought Opus the Penguin has the strangest tail. Never mind..) Uncle believes that by using a chi spell on the tail, the tail can then be released to latch onto Hsi Wu, leaving him vulnerable to the toot of a flute. Until then, the tail will be secured inside the shop thanks to a spell that will forbid anyone inside unless that being is invited. Up on the roof, Hsi Wu's been listening to the conversations below, and discovers Uncle's not fibbing about the magic spell. But the Sky Demon peers through the window, sees Jade, and has an idea.
The next day at school, Jade is confronted by her elementary friend/foe Drew, who begins nagging her over whether she's going to bring a ninja to the dance or not. Laughed at by other classmates, Jade grows resentful until a boy named Seymour retorts to Drew if he's going to bring his mother to the dance. Drew doesn't know how to counter that line, and leaves embarrassed. Jade undoubtedly appreciates Seymour's help, and is even more impressed by Seymour's compatible interest with ninjas and magic. What Jade doesn't know is that Seymour is Hsi Wu in human form. The only similarities between Hsi Wu's human and demon form are his impish voice (from a very memorable Andre Sogliuzzo) and a spiky head. Hsi Wu makes quite an impressive first-time human appearance. How can he know of such a modern joke only 2 days since his release?
Jade and Seymour converse very often as they walk from school. Jade likes Seymour so much that she wants to invite Seymour over to the shop, and show him a piece of a demon. Hsi Wu's ploy almost works, but Uncle and the rest of the gang show up before Seymour could take full advantage of the situation. Uncle suspects Seymour isn't very trustful, but can not sense him as a demon. Hsi Wu wisely lies to Uncle that he has tried to open the box. This conceals his true identity, for he can not actually open through the magic on the box; only Jade could. Jade apologizes to Seymour, but hopes they could see each other again. Hsi Wu mutters to himself that that wish won't be so farfetched.
Jade and Tohru are doing the laundry in the shop. (Trivia: this is the only episode where we see the Laundromat in this series.) Jade tells Tohru that she just loves talking to Seymour, especially since he agrees with much of what she says. She feels that she and Seymour are Ying and Yang, the two opposites of the same basic substance. Tohru suggests that perhaps Jade ought to go ask Seymour out for the dance.
Hours later, Jackie, Tohru and Uncle are preparing to find the Sky Demon and stop him in his tracks. Uncle packs with him mung bean sandwiches, assuming the Sky Demon could be far from the eye could see, at the time. He also disguises the tail under balloons, making it look like a living poodle balloon! No kidding here!
At around the same time, Jade and Seymour are making their way to the shop, again. Seymour is once more willing to go inside the shop, but Jade wants to do several other things first. She gives Seymour a half-piece of a coin in a necklace, saying that she has the other half, making them Ying and Yang. Seymour says it's cool enough for him to check himself out with a mirror in the shop. But Jade stops him and asks him out for the dance. Seymour becomes nervous (Hsi Wu defies an old villain weakness; he does not go aggressive and reveal his guise is fake), and then says that maybe he should call his mom, and thus use the phone in the shop. (Very, very clever, Hsi Wu....I'm not sarcastic here.) Unfortunately, Jade takes out a cell phone and offers it to Seymour instead. (HOLD THE PHONE! Since WHEN has Jade owned a cell phone? In case you JCA fans have been following up, Jade complains she doesn't own a cell phone 3 episodes after this one! Okay...enough of my rant. Back to the show).
Just in time, the door in the shop opens and the concealed tail zooms towards Seymour. But Seymour grabs his backpack and traps the tail inside it! (Wow!) The Chans and Tohru, especially Jade, are shocked as Seymour turns out to be Hsi Wu! With the tail having not attached itself to Hsi Wu, the heroes are stuck in a rut. The Sky Demon takes advantage of this and captures Uncle under his talons.
Jackie and Tohru decide to follow Hsi Wu, but Jackie warns a scorned Jade not to follow, and to head over to Section 13, where it's safe. Jade, for once, does go to Section 13....
But not in the way we think...As is the case for "The Rock", Jade evades security to get to the talisman vault. She grabs the Rabbit and Dragon talismans and places them each in one of her shoes. She then applies the Tiger Talisman to her half-token, which turns out to be her method of finding the person bearing the other side of the coin (I.e., Hsi Wu).
Jackie and Tohru manage to follow Uncle's trail because there are mung beans all over the streets. (And you think all beans can give you is protein and gas..)
Sitting alone and dropping a bean or two off the top of a water tower, Uncle is threatened by Seymour to take away the spell on the tail. Uncle's loudest reply is his two-finger salute to the demon's noggin. (Hsi Wu is perhaps the only demon to get that one). Extending precious time, Uncle advises Hsi Wu to get the magic books from his shop.
Somehow, Shendu must've read his little brother's mind, because he, Ratso and Chow show up with the books. (Whoa, wait a minute. Does that mean that Uncle's invitation spell has lost its magic already? Uh, yup...) Uncle relents and still refuses to make a spell. Hsi Wu raises a claw to sink down on Uncle, but suddenly Jackie launches the demon out of the way with a reverse hip-hold hurrincanrana (luchadore move with the legs, which usually are latched around foe's head). The fight begins atop Nosebleed City.
Jackie Chan, Tohru & Jade w/Uncle vs. The Enforcers, Shendu/Valmont & Hsi Wu (*****+)- This is the rematch to the classic bout early in the show, and it's a classic in itself. MVPs are Jade and Hsi Wu in their strongest action performance ever. Jackie also shows off more of his stratospheric leaps of faith to land on the Dark Hand members. There's some neat Holy S. spots too, as Chow, Ratso AND Shendu/Valmont fall 50 feet down from the tower. With all the stunts everyone has to pull off, I can only say one thing; there must've been valet parking to the nearest hospital. OOPS! I mean, Finn's a coward not to appear on this episode. OOPS! I mean, this is one great set-piece. YUP!
With Hsi Wu finally back into the Netherworld, Jade is relieved, but at once heartbroken. She tells Tohru that she's not concerned so much about the dance, but rather how much she longs to be with someone she could talk to. And that's when she perks up, realizing that person is Tohru all along. She gladly gives him the half-token necklace, and both agree that they are opposites who are very welcome to one another. Next thing we know Jade and Hsi Wu meet each other again and....wrong story. Garh!
A+++
I dare the JCA creators to come up with an episode with more octane and more emotion than this one. Why? Because "Tale of the Demon Tail", debuting on TV 11/24/01, remains THE BEST JCA episode ever made. Is there no doubt that Hsi Wu the Sky Demon is the most complex demon, if not villain, in this series to date? I give Mucho Kudos to the tandem of Hilary J. Bader and Gary Hartle for bringing so much into this story. Thanks to this episode, Hsi Wu has grown into a cult favorite among JCA fans, and even if it hasn't happened (and maybe never will), the Jade/Hsi Wu coupling still lingers in the minds of us fanfic writers, including me and the fellow webmistress herself, Regina Noctem. I am hoping Bader and Hartle will have the guts to make a spinoff featuring bat boy in all his eccentric glory. One episode alone can not contain him.
* * *
Episode 33…THE RETURN OF THE PUSSYCAT
Seeing Jackie do nothing but some work,
Jade puts on her cape, along with a smirk.
She goes behind Jackie, gives him a scare,
And nearly did he make tracks like a hare.
He sees his niece, who pleads with him
To come to her play, else she’ll feel dim.
You see, amigos, Jade is the hero
And at once the infamous anti-hero
Of the play "Jekyll and Hyde". Now is the time
To watch the girl in her acting prime!
Jackie says no, he just can’t go,
For there’s a ruin below San Francisco.
It was hidden in a quake of years and years past,
But Chan and Uncle will search it at last.
So in two different places Chan can not be.
But Jade thinks hard, then smiles with glee.
She takes the Tiger, and hands it to Chan,
Who splits in two, and is not one man.
Mr. Tiger is happy to return to the show,
But not Pussycat, he is simply all woe.
When Uncle arrives, almost known is the split.
But Jade hides both Chans with her brilliant wit.
Jade takes strong. Uncle takes weak.
So far their fates don’t look so bleak.
Little Simone Magus steps onto the stage
To narrate of a man with meekness and rage.
Jade plays her part well. Happy is the crowd,
except catcalling Tiger, he boos real loud.
Jade asks Tiger if he can do any better
Tiger thinks sure; giver’s better than getter.
So he gives it his all and drinks down a vial
Then realizes, sheesh, it tastes like bile!
Pussy and Uncle are at the historical find.
It startles the heart, rattles the mind.
Uncle observes stone, old wood and glass,
For once, Pussy’s not such a pain in the ass!
The Bizarritorium Uncle does discover.
Pussy, of course, would rather take cover!
Both go in, watching every display.
Then Pussy trips a column and it falls away.
Down it goes. It shatters a case
Carrying a midget with a mischievous face.
The midget comes to life, and learns he’s free.
"Free", he says, "Free to be me!"
The midget seems ready to pull off a ruse,
And sounds like a creation of the great Dr. Seuss.
As the midget jumps away with his spring-loaded shoes,
Uncle reads the case, and bears bad news.
The midget is a creep named Spring-Heeled Jack,
Who’s caused mischief and chaos from a long while back.
A man named Simon had used some magic,
And that was why Jack remained long static.
But now that the magic has been broken
The illness is back, and no cure can be spoken!
Pussycat w/ Uncle vs. Spring-Heel Jack (***)
Pussy and Uncle lure with reason,
But Jack? He jumps like it’s happy season!
He easily thwarts the duo with ease,
And sniffs them both. His grips then cease.
He figures none is a Magus, not at all,
So off he goes up a sewer hole.
Simon’s descendants live on and well,
So Jack is itchin’ to give ‘em some hell!
Pussy and Uncle chase the devious Jack
And fall victim cause Jack’s a maniac!
Pussy tries beating Jack by throwing some socks
But socks aren’t as hard as rocks.
Jack traps the duo right into a booth,
And sets off again. Now ain’t that uncouth!
Pussy calls Jade, who’s by stage’s side,
While Tiger attempts the role of Hyde.
Tiger thinks being the baddie’s a hit,
Unlike being a hero…Now that’s dipshit!
Jade learns Pussy’s got stuck in a rut.
Tiger’s got to go kick some Spring-Heeled butt.
Tiger thinks hard, and thinks, why not?
Beating beats acting by a generous lot!
So Tiger runs forward, and saves Uncle and Pussy,
And thinks Pussy’s been nothing but an absolute wussy!
Uncle can’t believe there are now two Chans.
But the Chans go off to stop Jack’s evil plans.
Tiger and Pussycat vs. Spring-Heeled Jack (****1/4)
Jack searches the docks, bounce after bounce,
Hoping the next person’s a Magus to pounce.
He then meets Tiger, who’s loaded with kicks
That keep Jack thinking for some treacherous tricks.
Tiger thrusts his foot in the midst of the rumble,
But Tiger falls off deck. What a serious fumble!
Jack smiles a big one, his teeth all bared,
Pussy shows up, and Jack gets a tad scared!
Pussy wields big bags normally used for shopping,
But he still can’t predict Jack’s incredible hopping.
Jack throws Pussy, to the waters he must go.
Then Tiger returns, and scores a mean blow.
Regaining composure, Jack sees the two foes,
And fears he may have double the woes!
Before he is grabbed by the two mighty Chans,
Jack flees, deciding to continue his plans.
Uncle realizes Jade is behind the troubles
Of Jackie being split into two different doubles.
Jade begins crying and raises the drama,
Uncle forgives her. Hey, he doesn’t like her in trauma!
Jade and Uncle try a net on the midget,
But in search of his prey, Jack continues to fidget.
He flees the net and he’s off to the trail.
Then Tiger stands up front, and goes off his rail!
Tiger demands to join Jack. He’s had enough.
Fighting with Pussy simply ain’t up to snuff.
As the trail ever worsens by Tiger’s new angle
Jade knows now that it’s time to go wrangle.
She pep-talks Tiger that the bad is uncool,
And if he thinks it’s cool, he’s playing a fool.
Tiger hates being uncool, and says to Jack
To the good side he will truly go back.
Jack is dismayed and flees down the hill
Of San Francisco, and finds it a thrill.
Uncle considers that he needs to go
Get the Tiger Talisman to stop this foe.
Tiger & Pussycat & Uncle w/ Jade vs. Spring-Heeled Jack
[Handicap…again…] (****1/4)
A crazy chase now is on
As this Magus must be saved or else is gone.
The chase spills to streets and even a trolley
While fists and feet fly by the volley.
Jack is too fast, and crashes galore
Endanger the streets of San Francisco some more.
The trolley hits the theater where
Jade has been acting an act quite rare.
But Jack meets the target he must eat,
And that target is Simone, scared down to her feet.
Simone’s never thought that Jack is real,
But Jack is real, a really real deal!
Uncle brings in the talisman for Tiger to throw.
What’s the solution? The Jackies both know!
Tiger throws the talisman into Jack’s vile palm,
And Jack splits to two; one mad, one calm.
The situation to Jack’s gone terribly awry.
One feels no guilt. The other is sorry!
The calm one keeps Simone away from the trouble
That is none other than the nefarious double.
The angry one’s tough, but he’s not so extreme.
Uncle darts a mean chair…Mad Jack’s whipped like cream!
Eventually Tiger and Pussy unite
And bind the Mad Jack down real tight!
Goody Jack says that the wicked dolt
Can be taken down with just a pinch of salt.
Uncle’s got salt, and Jade is amazed,
Either Uncle’s perceptive, or he’s totally crazed.
The talisman is then given to Goody Jack,
To the single persona he wants to go back.
Jack is one, but he’s still in the binds
And curses to hell as he finds
Uncle pouring salt all over his head,
And Jack knows he’s being forced to bed.
The salt turns Jack right back to stone,
And the world is back to a peaceful tone.
The Jackies agree that that’s enough fun,
So the Jackies return to being just one!
The statue Jack is back in his case,
And Jade talks to Jackie face to face.
There’s one more performance for Jackie to see,
But Jackie says in two places he can not be.
Jade looks up at him. She looks pissed.
Jackie concedes. He hates being dissed.
Now that Jackie’s been done being split into two,
I think Jade should now split herself into two.
Why would I want her to be split into two?
How ‘bout double dating with Mr. Hsi Wu!
A/A+
(I’m not a good poet.
I just know it.)
It’s great to see Mr. Spring-Heeled Jack,
And the action we see is right on track.
Love the chases and the humor too.
Remember this show you will certainly do.
* * *
Episode 34…SCOUT’S HONOR- Deep in the sewers, Jackie Chan is taking a trip to investigate how Italian sewage systems differ from those in America. He obviously comes to the conclusion that American systems are regulated better, since the ones in Italy have 1.) skeletal remains, 2.) filthy rats, and 3.) snakes slithering all over the skeletons. He ought to be the first man to report these disgusting conditions; we all know Indiana Jones has been in Venice’s sewers before, but Moroccans chased him away before he could tell anyone his findings.
Actually, the real reason for Jackie’s trip to Italy’s sewers is that he’s pursuing inscriptions pertaining to underground remnants of Egyptian culture. Jackie takes out a text written under Uncle (since it contains the classic adage “One more thing”) and paces in the desired direction for these remnants. Not far from Jackie, an unseen shadow lingers in a corridor. Sorry, fans, it ain’t a love-sick Viper.....
Jackie reaches into a corridor containing hieroglyphics. Just like Indiana Jones, Jackie grabs a crayon and a neat, clean sheet of paper, and sets forth to copying the hieroglyphics. He does this by overlapping the paper over the hieroglyphics and then rubbing the crayon against the paper, creating significant marks and indentations. But on this particular square he copies, it starts to glow, and then the wall right in front of him opens up to reveal a giant statue of an Egyptian princess, seated on a throne and wearing a radiant golden necklace (guess even crayons activate magical powers....).
Jackie leaps up to the statue, which is quite a depiction of a woman. Preferably, a dork would start taking the opportunity to ogle at the statue’s chest, but this is the Chan Man we’re talking here, so he delicately claims the necklace from the statue and finds himself a lucky tomb raider. Well, not so lucky, since the floor around the statue collapses and reveals huge spikes that could turn the average human being into pasta sauce.
As if Chan’s not unlucky enough..... Out of the silence, a whip latches around Jackie’s leg and a woman’s voice demands for the golden necklace. This woman’s dark-skinned, just like ole Viper, but her arrogance, her boldness, her crackling temper, and her blonde tress all point out to a much different flavor. Her label is Vanessa Barone, an apparent master (er, mistress) of crime, for her titles range from cat thief to relic hunter. Barone must’ve left behind her other criminal means at her apartment, because all she’s carrying right now is the whip. It’s good enough for her, though, because all she needs to do is tug at Jackie’s leg and dangle the poor archaeologist above the spikes.
Jackie Chan vs. Vanessa Barone (**3/4)- Jackie and Vanessa lock fist and feet until Vanessa claims the necklace and demands it to “return to Pontello”.
Just like Indiana Jones, Jackie Chan jumps out of a sewer manhole and starts walking across the streets. He’s silent in thought over the necklace until he hears the mention of Pontello. Jackie realizes that Vanessa’s somehow gone to a canal in Venice.
Celebrating her victory, Vanessa reclines on a moving gondola while explaining out loud how she carries the ultimate coupon to wealth. She’s quite smart to spout this arrogant boast, because the gondola rower has not a clue as to what she is talking about. As he says most appropriately, “Me speak no English.”
But Jackie sure does. Atop another gondola, the Chan Man uses a lengthy hook and retrieves the necklace back. A sneering Vanessa demands him to give it back, but Jackie says it belongs to a museum. Most bad guys would normally retaliate with some funny line like “So do you!”, but this is Vanessa we’re talking about here, so she grabs herself an oar and a most unusual gladiator bout begins!
Jackie Chan vs. Vanessa Barone [first-ever Hook vs. Oar Match] (***1/4)- Extremely good, albeit short hardcore battle, made even better by the presence of gondolas in the match. Halfway into the match, Jade calls Jackie by phone and wants to know what excellent adventure has been denied from her. Jackie uneasily replies that excellent is beside the point. Vanessa jumps onto the boat and nabs his jacket off. Panicking, Jackie tells Jade that he’d most certainly want to return to Uncle’s shop in a few seconds flat....
As if he’s spoken to a genie, Jackie and the necklace abruptly shift into thin air. Vanessa slams her oar against the canal in fury, but wasting little time for anger, she quickly gathers information from a wallet left in Jackie’s abandoned jacket.
A wallet-less Chan zips right behind Jade, who wonders how he could’ve come back so soon from halfway around the globe. Uncle’s glad to see Jackie back so soon, since this means he’ll be able to have himself a good night’s sleep, for once.... Jackie reports to his elder that the necklace may bear magic powers, and he offers Uncle both the necklace and a copy of the hieroglyphs to get the mystery solved. Uncle promises he will. He then tells his nephew that there’s a particularly rusty commodity that needs scrubbing up in the shop. No doubt, that commodity is Jade, who is lounging before the TV and wondering what she oughta do next on her agenda; make more of her own spells or get the talismans from Section 13.
The answer turns out to be neither. A young girl, calling herself a Buttercup Scout, makes her way into Uncle’s Rare Finds with a wagonload of girl scout cookies to sell for charitable purposes. Upon hearing the girl’s chipper tone, Tohru the 600-pound sumo bursts out of his room and decides to purchase every box on the wagon. He hands the scout a pack of greens and both seller and customer go their merry little ways. Jackie watches the action unfold, and tells Jade that he’s found a hobby she could surely fit into!
Moments later, Jade’s fit herself into an orange and yellow Buttercup Scout uniform. The tomboy that she is, Jade pleads to Jackie that her pride’s gonna get axed after this. Jackie formulaically tells her not to be silly, as if she doesn’t look silly enough. Tohru adds that scouting provides a dual benefit; building one’s character and getting discounts for cookies. Obviously, Tohru’s got a hand up for the latter. Jackie then comes up with a much firmer argument; you’d never know until you try. Yeah, Jackie. Tell that to Jade the next time she finds another magical trinket.
Jackie soon receives necessary guidance from his ever-unflappable Uncle. Uncle tells his nephew that the necklace in question is the Eye of Aurora, named after the Egyptian princess who’s used the necklace for less-than-charitable purposes. The necklace allows the carrier to transport oneself into a desired location. Buttercup Scout Jade hears all this with her small but alert ears, and she soon concocts a plan. Unaware of Jade’s presence, Jackie figures out loud that Vanessa Barone must’ve wanted that necklace to increase her success in future transgressions. Uncle asks Jackie who in the world is Vanessa Barone, of which Jackie describes to be a nice lady back at Venice. Right. If Vanessa’s such a nice lady, then I’m Spleefie’s employer....
Speaking of Vanessa, Ms. Barone has expended some of Jackie’s money to fly her way into San Fran. Beats finding low air fares, after all. Making her way inside a cab, Barone finds Uncle’s business card and declares Chinatown her next destination.
Panning into Uncle’s shop, we see the old geezer hearing bangs on the front door, and shivering upon each and every impact. Poor old Uncle. He’s gotten so few customers in the shop that he’s starting to think the next demon’s the next visitor. He grabs himself a broom and calls Jackie and Tohru for help. They can’t help right now, cause Tohru’s eaten too many cookies and has gone asleep, leaving Jackie to do the housekeeping for him instead. All alone, Uncle sees giant monstrous faces peering from a gap in the door. Uncle slams his back to the door and cries out that the Eye of Aurora’s put a curse to the shop!
Before the old man can plop dead from a heart attack, the door comes undone and the giant faces are revealed to be hulking ugly masks made by a bunch of Buttercup Scouts, with scout Jade being no less than the ringleader. Jackie comes up and wonders what Jade would be doing coming to the shop. Without pause, Jade replies by declaring Jackie the Buttercup Mom of the day. Jackie scratches his head at being bestowed this title. Jade explains that the guide book indicates any scout’s relative to be eligible as a Buttercup Mom, even showing before the Chan Man an orange shirt and a compatible brown shorts. Of course, this is all supposed to serve as a ruse to extort Jackie into having a trip with the Eye of Aurora or else suffer the consequences of wearing drab fashion.
But Jackie LOVES to become a Buttercup Mom, a can’t-miss opportunity. And so he and the girl scouts get on a bus. Jade’s the last passenger, as she’s still on the shop, gathering stuff on her backpack. Unbeknownst to Jackie or Uncle, Jade nabs the Eye of Aurora from a shoebox beneath Uncle’s desk, and secures it into her pack right before joining her uncle and the scouts on a field trip.
Conveniently, the moment the bus leaves the shop, who else comes in but Vanessa Barone. Vanessa arrives before Uncle and asks him about the Eye of Aurora. Stunned and unprepared, Uncle stutters that such a trinket is nonexistent. But quick as a flash, swift as a cat, Vanessa sees right through Uncle’s pretense, especially since she sees him reading a page about the Eye of Aurora. Vanessa repeats her question with even more force, and Uncle, too naive to hit a woman and too flimsy to escape her whip, replies that it’s no longer in the shop. Carrying a box of cookies, Tohru stops by and asks Uncle when Jackie’ll return from his trip to Summit Hill. Vanessa smiles slyly and walks out of the shop. Uncle shows he’s most displeased with Tohru’s incidental spoiler.
At Summit Hill, which turns out to be a fairly large forest with the expected camping space, Jackie’s teaching the scouts how to tie tough knots. Most of the scouts see this as a compelling program, while Jade sees this miles below the typical Chan show. Realizing Jade’s on such a dull spot, Jackie asks her to fill up the water canteens, and he adds in to her not to wander far off.
Jade grudgingly carries the canteens and drops them on the ground and raises up the Eye of Aurora from her pockets. Sarcastically, Jade remarks that Jackie must be so concerned about her chances of returning to Siberia.
And just like that, Jade finds herself unwittingly roaming along the snowy mountains of Siberia. Not even minding a single bit of the frigid temperature, Jade takes time admiring the cute furry dogs occupying the mountains. That is, until she realizes those dogs are really ravenous wolves....
One of my all-time favorite comedy spots comes up next. It’s so simplistic in form but exceedingly charming. Uncle starts calling Jackie’s cell phone. At the Chan’s kitchen, a cookie-gobbling Tohru hears the cell-phone ringing and so he takes the call. Uncle warns Jackie that a bad lady is coming after him. Thanks to Jackie’s exaggerations, Uncle can’t figure out Vanessa is that nice lady his nephew’s been talking about. Well anyways, Tohru simply tells the caller that’s Jackie’s not on the phone. Baffled, Uncle walks up to the kitchen and asks the sumo what in blazes is the sumo doing with the phone. Tohru humbly replies that he’s just talking to his sensei..... (What do you know? Becoming Buttercup Mom’s made Jackie forget his cell phone...What luck). To make matters worse, neither Uncle nor Tohru can comprehend where exactly could Jackie be, which means they need to sharpen their geography and get some maps to read. On paper, none of this sounds so funny, so watch the episode and see how well-timed everything is in this scene.
Back at the campsite, Jackie expresses his admiration over the Buttercup Scouts’ practice with knots. In fact, Jackie’s become all wrapped up by an amalgam of the scouts’ knots! Luck gets kicked ever further to the far end as Vanessa trots from behind Mr. Chan. Normally, bad guys would thank the children for saving them the hassle of binding up the Chan Man, but hey, this is Vanessa Barone we’re talking about, so she gets to the point and asks Jackie where the necklace is. Jackie, unable to even hoist himself off the ground, speaks under scout’s honor that he does not have the necklace. The scouts all agree because according to the rules, a scout never lies. What Vanessa knows for certain is that she might as well lie down among the helpless crowd until the whereabouts of the necklace are finally disclosed to her.
Jade’s taken off like a little tiger as she refuses to land herself on the wolves’ dinner plate. She nervously hopes she can return to Uncle’s shop, and then....
Back at the shop, Tohru audibly exclaims he has found it in Uncle’s desk. Uncle alertly asks if “it” is a map to Summit Hill, but the sumo raises up a box of tasty girl scout cookies. (Poor Tohru. Exactly what’s been his diet before girl scout cookies?) Uncle would’ve began a chide over Tohru’s tastes until Jade, completely spotless in her scout garb, stands right between Uncle and Tohru, carrying the Eye of Aurora with her. Jade explains to the bumbling duo that the Eye of Aurora operates once you say the phrase “Return to” combined with a specific location. She proves this by asking to return to Uncle’s side, and she shows up next to Uncle. Uncle yet again barely evades a heart attack and demands Jade not to do that again. Then he tells Jade to do it again, since Jackie’s got trouble at Summit Hill. Jade immediately returns to Summit Hill, but that’s not exactly what Uncle intends, since he and the sumo have still been denied reach of that dang hill. Tohru shakes his head and says he couldn’t even ask the girl about more girl scout cookies. For gosh sakes, Tohru, get some vegetables into your system.
Jackie Chan vs. Vanessa Barone (****)- Excellent. Vanessa’s Da MAN, er, WOMAN.
As Jade flashes back onto Summit Hill, a snake-like tether snatches the Eye of Aurora off her hands. Vanessa Barone pipes up and beams with a proud, snappy little number in front of the bound-up Chan. Jade won’t give up that easily, and she hits Vanessa’s hands, sending the Eye settling onto Jackie‘s lap. The mummified Jackie clasps his jaw on the necklace and hops away as Vanessa whirls her whip against Jackie. However, the whip happens to stick to one of Jackie’s knots, so with just one ferocious tug of the whip, Jackie is sent into a spin cycle that renders him clean of the scouts’ knots. Vanessa capitalizes on Jackie’s momentarily dazed figure and hooks her whip to reclaim the necklace. Jackie hurriedly steps to the scene, but warns the children not to watch the upcoming violence. The Buttercup Scouts don’t mind the violence one bit. That, or they find Jackie Chan to be exceedingly sexy, just like Jennifer Love Hewitt...
Jackie’s speed earns him an excruciating low blow by Vanessa Barone (the girls wince at that. Man, they do think he’s sexy!). Vanessa proclaims it’s time to take her leave and return to Peru. Jackie executes a fast recovery and snatches one side of the necklace. Both he and Vanessa disappear.
Across Peru, Mount Everest and the Sahara Desert, Jackie and Vanessa lock each other in an eccentric slobberknocker. Both competitors stubbornly keep a grip on one end of the necklace while aiming a free hand or leg at each other. Poetic back-and-forth action. Talk about ring psychology.
And speaking of psychology, Jackie finally vanquishes dastardly Vanessa with a tricky spin on reverse psychology. As both fighters land back on Summit Hill (conveniently, of course, in front of the Buttercup Scouts), Jackie and Vanessa find themselves a few feet separate from one another. With Jackie no longer sticking at her side, Vanessa proclaims to return to Venice. But as it turns out, Jackie’s carrying one half of the necklace! The blue-blooded baroness grabs her whip and latches it against Jackie’s hand. Jackie plays a little tug of war, but already knows that he’s at a disadvantage so long as Vanessa’s offense carries the greater distance. He stands back up and tells Vanessa that he surrenders. The Buttercup Scouts are consternated; Jackie’s not that sexy thang they’ve been looking for after all. Jackie tells Vanessa that he shall give her the other half of the necklace and tell her an untapped treasure island to sweeten the deal. Vanessa listens closely. Jackie begins telling of an island off Chile, though he deliberately blubbers at its exact name. Vanessa thinks she’s figured out Jackie’s ploy to banish her to Desolation Island. Jackie concedes and admits the actual ploy would’ve been to latch his half of the necklace to her half just as she’d say, “Return to Demolition Island”. Tired of Jackie’s pathetic cluelessness, Vanessa corrects the Chan Man by saying “Return to Desolation Island”, of which Jackie exploits the loophole. His blinding hand connects the necklace and then pulls his half of the necklace out. Vanessa gasps as she realizes what she’s done. Wanting to get medieval on Vanessa’s butt, the Buttercup Scouts lunge at Ms. Barone and all of the girls disappear into Desolation Island.
Fearing a permanent ban from Buttercup Mom status, Jackie runs off out of the forest just as Uncle and Tohru arrive with a huge, ruffled map. Jackie says he’s gotta get to Desolation Island and fast. Uncle and Tohru start glimpsing at the map for a place called Desolation Island. That does it. Uncle and Tohru are comedy relief duo of the year.
After flying by plane, zooming on Jeep, crossing terrain on foot, and then streaming across water by rowboat, Jackie comes to Desolation Island, which isn’t so desolate since there’s an abundance of vegetation and all the girls seem not a mite famished. Jade shows up wearing a grass skirt, which must have some sick fans wondering what’s been going on beneath it during her stay on the island. The Buttercup Scouts have tied up Vanessa Barone with all their knot knowledge, even going so far as to jab a fruit into her jaw. (Guess you can’t call those kids whippersnappers, huh, Barone?)
Tohru arrives too on a huge raft, huge enough for Jackie and all the girls to return back to civilization. He tells Jackie that he’s come by to buy more girl scout cookies. Jackie lays a gentle arm on Tohru’s shoulder and promises the sumo to buy all he can eat.
So....exactly why did Jade become a Buttercup Scout for only one episode? Well, there are many different theories to consider.
1.) The Buttercup Scouts started making noticeable advances on the Chan Man. Things got twice as creepy once Jade started feeling jealous....
2.) The scouts’ expertise with knots went over the line as they started tying each other up during bedtime. Once they stole Vanessa’s whip.....
3.) The Dark Hand began laughing at the Chan Man’s costume, and got caught. Then Captain Black chuckled a congrats to Jackie for vanquishing the Dark Hand with his fashion statement. Jackie had enough of the embarrassment he could absorb....
4.) Uncle got a near-fatal heart attack when the Scouts came by for Halloween. I leave you to decide what costumes they’d be wearing...
5.) Jackie took Viper on a date while playing the Buttercup Mom and things went awry. Let’s just say the scouts got scorned at what they saw that night.....
6.) Vanessa came back and kicked Jackie in the groin again. The Buttercup Scouts killed her and then they got a sentencing....
7.) Valmont became the Buttercup Mom too so he could meet and defeat his archrival. Rage blinded the both of them. During the reckless scuffle, the scouts became human shields.....
8.) The Buttercup Scouts used the Eye of Aurora (which seemingly disappeared during the Desolation Island thing) to go out for Spring Break. Reports of their lewd actions were quickly proven by numerous editions of “Girls Gone Wild.”
and the ninth, and most likely of all the theories....
9.) Tohru got a big heart attack from eating all those cookies, but even after recovery he bought cookies from Jade and continued putting his health at risk. Currently, Tohru’s been put through a vegetarian diet consisting of soy, mung beans and leafy greens. Since then too, any girl scout who’d come into the shop with her wagon will get the big boot by Jackie. And ah yes, Jade no longer became a scout. She is now trying to conjure magic spells to bring back Hsi Wu from the Netherworld so she could bind him up and tingle his nether world....
A
Vanessa Barone, whip-lashing dominatrix that she is, is a delight as is that Eye of Aurora and Jackie Chan dressing as a Buttercup Mom. (Heh, heh. Can’t resist that.) Nothing really new or mindblowing on this morning of JCA, but it’s your cup of fine tea, or bowl of cereal, whichever you choose.