Episode 29…THE LOTUS TEMPLE- If Tajeri Lynn is to explain this story by its main points, you’d be left with a plot the size of a greeting card. Extremo Luchadore admits this is among the smallest summaries he might make.

 

Jackie, Jade and a monk guide of "Ancient Wisdom" are in a dark forest, searching for the long-forgotten Lotus Temple where a magical scroll, the Scroll of Hung-Chao, lies yet to be deciphered. Jackie tells Jade to go get firewood, and the younger Chan’s in disbelief that Jackie would leave the little girl to do such a duty in a spooky arrangement of various plants and bamboo shoots. Jade grudgingly goes off into the night, but during the walk, she comes face to face with a giant tiger. She screams but recognizes the tiger as a statue, and then she sees the Lotus Temple arrive out of nowhere. Curiouser than Curious George, our little heroine scampers into the temple. Entering the realm of the temple, Jade sees a young Chinese girl moping on the floor. As one could tell by her ponytail and her rough linen dress, she’s an old-fashioned Asian child, a contrast to Gen-X Tomboy Jade. The younger Chan asks if she’s okay, but the girl direly wants her to keep back. Suddenly, the girl begins forming horns on her head, white fur all over body, and purplish appendages for hands and feet. She’s become…a Wendigo!

 

Time for the Extremo Luchadore’s pop quiz again!

 

Why did the girl turn into a Wendigo?

 

I don’t know what she’s been eating, but it’s gotta be illegal.

 

Having seen the cute Jade, the girl’s gotten more frustrated whether she should be IN or OUT.

 

She's learned sexy Shendu’s a spirit. That means no chance of dating him.

 

If you pick any or all of the answers right away….do yourself a favor and get a lobotomy.

 

Jade vs. Wendigo (***)- About as fast as a road-runner cartoon. Jade runs across the temple’s enigmatic stairways as the Wendigo attempts to eat Ms. Chan for supper. Now that’s what I call girl-on-girl action! After several room-to-room ordeals, the Wendigo spouts ice that has Jade sliding clumsily off the entrance. The Wendigo attempts the pinfall, but crashes onto the entrance like an electrified wall’s been fenced up there. Unconscious, the Wendigo reverts back to the petite Asian girl. (Please, don’t ask me ANYTHING about why she’s fully clothed again. Aw, great. NOW look what you’ve made me do!)

 

Jade is confused about the wendi-girl’s odd state. Finding herself at a safe distance, the wendi-girl explains that she’s been a guardian since finding refuge in the temple from five years ago. The temple disappears in the day, cursing anyone still in it to become a savage monster whenever an intruding foot touches inside the temple. It also appears only in a full-moon night. Jade realizes that there’s a plot hole in all this; whatever’s happened to the guardian before this one? The wendi-girl figures that it must’ve been because there IS a way out of the temple; she just can’t figure it yet. Jade is assured she could make out a solution. She then realizes if what the wendi-girl says is true, then Jade can be invited into the temple and no great white monster will appear! The wendi-girl gives it a try with an invitation, and when Jade steps into the temple, it works! Still a human, the wendi-girl tells Jade that she’s Xu Lin. Jade herself pleasantly exchanges a greeting. (Trivia: Xu Lin is being voiced by another Chan. I have no idea if she’s related to Jackie OR Stacie…)

 

Back at the makeshift fireplace, Jackie begins pondering to the monk guide that something’s wrong with Jade. The monk explains that perhaps Jade’s curiosity has gotten the best of her. (That’s not exactly what he says. This monk typically speaks in a Mad-Lib fashion. You can join in the fun too, by filling in THIS simple Mad Lib; "Ancient Wisdom. The <adjective> <animal> finds <noun> in <noun>." Say the sentence slowly and confidently, else you’ll sound like Hak Foo.) Jackie and the monk trek across the bamboo, and spot the Lotus Temple before them. The monk declares he’ll stay, admitting he wouldn’t want to intrude. The monk twiddles his fingers deviously upon closing. (This monk has obviously watched too many B-Movies. Bet you he’s got a TV in his room.) Respecting the monk’s preference, Jackie takes his chances for Jade’s sake and enters the temple.

 

At the same time, Jade gasps in shock as poor Xu Lin is sticking horns and going Wendigo again. (An idiot would’ve forgotten the rules and think Jade’s turning Xu Lin on….Wait a minute! Am I calling MYSELF an idiot? Hmm…)

 

Jackie vs. The Wendigo (****)- Spot fest that lasts a healthy three minutes or so. For the first time, Chan fans, Jackie gets to hurt a girl! (And a young one at that…Is this show REALLY for kids?!) Jackie sprints as the monster lunges at him with claws and fires a really icy breath. (Hmm….she could use some curry powder.) Several plates and furniture die in the furious brawl as Jackie and the Wendigo crash through them. There’s a cool scene where Jackie reverts a waterway so that the Wendigo causes herself to be enveloped by the incoming frozen water! The frozen Wendigo cracks the flimsy floor, and both she and Jackie do the requisite "Holy S." spot as both fall off the floor down to a library. Jackie’s weak, but not done for. (Three cheers for the Chan Man. "The Whole Jackin’ Show! The Whole Jackin’ Show! The Whole Jackin’…" Sorry. From now on, don’t try cheering Chan like that, kay?)

 

At the same time, Jade is searching all over the temple for Jackie. What she doesn’t know is that the spindly-legged, bean-headed monk has crept his way into the temple. He sets off a trap door and falls into the library, where he lands on a pyramid of scrolls. He smiles deeply as he catches upon the magical archive.

 

Jackie is amazed as the vanquished Wendigo shrinks back into Xu Lin. Jade is consternated that Jackie’s beaten up Xu Lin, but Jackie points out she’s nearly killed him! (Well, guess Jackie’s got the better point there.) Jade explains Xu Lin only turns into this monster when they are intruders. Jackie suddenly realizes something about the suspicious monk.

 

As the monk stands off the pyramid and dusts himself off, he sees Jackie Chan, who blames the monk for having known about the Temple Guardian all along and not telling about it. The monk explains more mumbo jumbo that Jackie’s pretty much the bait for Xu Lin. This mumbo jumbo gives the monk time to emit a chi blast from his palm.

 

Jackie Chan & Jade vs. Mad Monk & Mad Knight vs. The Wendigo (****1/2)- Another helping of insanity occurs, this time becoming the last third of the whole show. The Mad Monk begins fighting Jackie with his joint manipulations and those cheap shot chi shots. The situation worsens as Xu Lin awakens and becomes the giant Wendigo again. Jade holds on to the Wendigo’s back, and attempts to talk some sense into the monster. Meanwhile, the Mad Monk sets up the Scroll of Hung-Chao and begins painting an emblem on his hand as directed on the parchment. Whipping up the painted palm, he blasts The Wendigo with a hyper chi blast, turning her back to Xu Lin. Jackie grabs Xu Lin just as the monk blows a mean one on the girl. The library wall devastated by the blasts, Jackie attempts to run out of the temple with Xu Lin in hand. Of course, he crashes onto the door like a wall’s there. Jade explains to her uncle about Xu Lin’s oddball condition. Thus, Jackie has little choice but to face off against the monk until a proper solution can be devised for Xu Lin. However, Xu Lin manages to invite Jackie in, so only the Mad Monk can become a target if she becomes the Wendigo again.

 

Jackie grabs a battle spear and points it toward the monk, only to use it as leverage for a high-flying big boot. Knocking the monk down, the archaeologist fiercely grips palm and palm with the Mad Monk, but underestimates the power of the Hung-Chao symbol, as the Mad Monk summons a pile of ancient warrior armor into a living ghost in the armor! The knight clashes against Jackie by swinging the battle spear onto Jackie. Eventually the battle spills at the entrance, where Jackie realizes the knight can somehow make his way out of the temple, despite having been in the temple at first glance.

 

I LOVE what’s coming up next. In the bout, an old wooden board of the temple drops onto the Mad Knight, who impulsively grabs the board in time. However, that sets up Jackie to crash a big boot through the board onto the Knight’s noggin, if there actually IS a noggin. (I remember this move. The luchadore Rob Van Dam has his foe catch/hold a chair before he leaps and kicks the steel on the foe’s face. This move is the famous Van Daminator. So, let’s say Jackie’s doing….a Van Chan-inator! What a stunt. Make the cheer again. "The Whole Jackin’-" Ah, not that again…)

 

The Mad Knight’s knocked back in the temple, but it’s still got plenty of juice as long as Mad Monk meditates above the floor, enjoying the free entertainment. That’s when Jackie sees his OWN palm has been painted with the symbol of Hung Chao. It must’ve happened during the intense knuckle-lock between Jackie and the monk! Quickly using his own will, Jackie blows a mini-tornado that spins the knight onto the monk, causing both to reel in confusion.

 

Xu Lin turns into the Wendigo just in time, and the monster chokes the weakened Mad Monk, who is now helpless from his withered magic. Jade then tells Jackie that the sun’s coming up, meaning anyone in the temple will be trapped in it by that moment. Chagrined by the mucho stipulations, Jackie grabs a spear and cuts the Wendigo’s threads, which have been suffocating the Mad Monk. With the Monk unconscious, the Wendigo becomes Xu Lin again.

 

Xu Lin hopelessly fears she won’t make the escape in time. But Jackie has a plan. Remembering the situation with the Mad Knight, he gives the girl a batch of armor and a shield. That way, Xu Lin’s been provided with barriers from the mysterious curse. In due time, Xu Lin slides her way out of temple’s way while Jackie does a huge leap off the top stairs. The awakening Mad Monk screams as the Lotus Temple disappears, keeping him stuck inside!

 

Jackie is happy that the threats are gone. Even the symbol of Hung Chao has faded on his palm. He decides it’s time for the kids to go home. Jackie talks like the Mad Monk and tells Jade that the "little monkey" needs to concentrate on schoolwork. Jade doesn’t like that line. One reason may be that she doesn’t want to be reminded of her monkey business in "Jade Monkey".

 

A-

 

Mind-numbing excitement doesn’t get pumped up more so than this! "The Lotus Temple’s" title location is the perfect backdrop for considerably LONG spot fests and high-flying martial artistry. The biggest problem is its lagging narrative. The plot is flimsy and nowhere near credible. (I’ve seen more complex stories on wrestling shows.) But the action fills up our palette that we won’t want to give much thought to the story. This is a sweet treat for animated actioner fans. Anybody else, you’ve been warned…

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 30…ARMOR OF THE GODS- (Trivia: The title is based on, yet again, a Jackie Chan movie, "Armor of God", one of Jackie’s true homages to the Indiana Jones adventures. The movie has received infamy because the real Chan Man almost dies during the shooting of the film…He falls off of a castle and misses the fall-breaker, and ends up with a hole in his skull!!! Luckily, Chan survives, but the hole remains his worst injury ever. The sequel to "Armor of God", "Operation Condor", has been released on U.S. theaters. No hole in skull there…)

 

Back to the SHOW…Jackie is in an ancient Chinese temple situated atop the stratosphere of the countryside. After rummaging through the dust and whatnot, Jackie finds a full suit of blue armor ornamented in gold patterns. The artifact turns out to be among the armaments of the Eight Immortals, and it’s a good thing Jackie has it. Apparently hoping to oust the archaeologist before more demon brethren could be ousted, Shendu has let loose the Shadowkhan after our hero. Jackie knows what’s up. So let’s get ready to RUMBLE!

 

Jackie Chan [Handicap] vs. The Shadowkhan (****)- This is actually the action highlight of the episode. Chan first fends himself off rapidly with a pole, but termites had already taken it as a main course. Chan then sends a Shadowkhan flying off the temple with his pack and escapes with the armor. Once again being the Innovator of Action, Jackie swings the armor like a cumbersome nunchuku, whipping the Shadowkhan onto several fragile columns. Unfortunately, the broken columns send the temple sliding across the hill, and Jackie falls to the nearest village without a parachute! Amazingly, the Chan Man crashes into a traditional house and suffers only eventual unconsciousness. As Ratso puts it perfectly, "No way he’s human." The fight’s short, but it’s great for what it is.

 

Jackie is back to Uncle’s Rare Finds when we learn that Uncle has gone incredibly whacko. (I can tell. The writers of this episode aren’t mainstays to the show, but never mind.) Uncle is officially neurotic, having kept demons and chi spells dancing over his head. The stress of stopping the demons has obviously gotten the best of him.

 

Jade arrives, wearing a cute PJ featuring an emblem resembling a doll from "Jade Times Jade". The younger Chan is moaning and groaning because Uncle’s the local radio channel no one can shut off. Tohru, decked out in a white coat and a blue PJ with yellow spots (great fashion sense, Tohru….), is catching his Zs and can hardly hold the tea for Uncle.

 

Jackie is saved by the bell….the digital bell on his cell phone, that is. The call is coming from Captain Black, whose elite force has just detected the Dark Hand cronies at Spain. Jackie has no problem going anywhere, so he informs Uncle of his departure. But Uncle tells his nephew to take the Armor of the Eight Immortals with him, for it may serve some use during the trip.

 

At Pamplona, Spain, Shendu/Valmont, the animalistic Hak Foo, and Dark Hand’s Employee of the Day Ratso (who’s ALWAYS working next to Valmont) are leaving a patient trail as Ratso swears that Pamplona’s a famous city, but what it’s famous for, he can’t recall. Hak Foo surmises the fame to be attributed to the Paella, which goes to show Hak’s done his geography, unlike Ratso, who thinks the Paella’s the thing you hit so that candy comes out of it… Shendu doesn’t care whatever has made Pamplona famous, only of what WILL be famous; the Earth Demon Dai Gui’s return from limbo.

 

Jackie sees the Dark Hand atop a roof, and he quickly slides across a rope to follow them. Hak turns around, his "Ears of Rabbit" sensing someone stealthily pursuing the Dark Hand. He warily turns back and follows his cohorts.

 

Back at Uncle’s Rare Finds, Uncle is still on no side of a bed, which is much worse than being on the wrong side of one. Jade is watching television and somehow, Uncle’s paranoia has given him "Ears of Rabbit" too. Uncle starts yelling at Jade for making the television too loud, and then he claims the "crackling" electricity on the television is driving him nuts! Jade wishes she could somehow shut Uncle off, since she’d loathe shutting him up. Then, another light bulb arrives on her head.

 

Jade finds an ancient text of Uncle’s and sets off to concocting a tea with beakers, potions, and other magic stuff. She walks over to Uncle, who’s gotten so little oxygen to his head that he actually thinks the books piled around are laughing at him! Jade offers him a cup of tea, and Uncle gratefully sips it. Uncle then starts rambling to her in an outburst over the tea’s odd properties, but the tea knocks him out and he goes asleep. Jade smiles in victory.

 

Back at Spain, Jackie is creeping wall after wall to the Dark Hand. But following one creep, he sees only Shendu/Valmont and Ratso making tracks. Wondering where Hak Foo would be, Jackie is suddenly greeted by the Black Tiger, who’s just itching to make Chan famous…for being dead meat!

 

Jackie Chan [Handicap] vs. Shendu/Valmont, Ratso & Hak Foo (***3/4)- This is more of a sharp comedy bout than a real martial arts sequence. Jackie sees Ratso holding the Pan Ku Box, and evades a diving Hak Foo’s assault to get to Ratso. As the tug of war begins between Chan and Ratso, Valmont gets into the middle of the action and his face is smacked during the tug. (A furious Shendu calls Valmont a "fop", while Valmont, apparently no expert at put-downs, calls Shendu an "old dragon".) In the highlight struggle, Hak Foo attempts to join in on the tug of war, and he does horribly. Next thing we know, Ratso and Hak Foo are grabbing the Pan Ku Box from EACH OTHER, while Chan backs up and pauses, wondering how low can the Dark Hand ever go. He ultimately knocks the Box out of their reach, but Hak manages to pin down Chan in the struggle. Hearing a sudden rumble, Hak proudly tells Chan that Dai Gui has already made his way out, but then Shendu exclaims that the portal is still unopened. That’s when Ratso realizes the source of Pamplona’s fame; it’s the Running of the Bulls, and it’s coming right their way!

 

As the bulls attempt to grind over everything in their path, Jackie grabs the Pan Ku Box and makes like a rabbit. Hak Foo and Ratso do so as well, but Shendu, his demon presence apparently manipulative to the bulls, remains standing still. Jackie leaps onto a bull and goes bye-bye to Shendu, but as he turns, Hak Foo sneaks up from a hanging sign and takes the Pan Ku Box away, leaving Jackie empty-handed and saddle-sore for the rest of the bull’s run.

 

At Uncle’s Rare Finds, Tohru is curiously watching the result of Jade’s handy magic work. Uncle’s in so deep a sleep that a gong can’t raise him back to awakening. Jade then gets a phone call from Jackie, who wants to talk to Uncle because now he needs the chi wizard to get his tools and banish the Earth Demon Dai Gui. Jade nervously convinces her uncle that Uncle can’t talk right now because he’s in the restroom, and so Jackie gives Jade the message.

 

Tohru, aware of what Jackie needs, asks Jade how much longer will it be for Uncle to wake up.

 

Jade grabs a set of huge double gongs and begins banging them raucously, and Uncle’s still out of it! Tohru regretfully believes Uncle should’ve counted sheep instead. Jade then gets another light bulb.

 

Having apparently sneaked into Section 13 at record speed, Jade holds up the Sheep Talisman to project herself into Uncle’s mind and at least find the proper ingredients for Dai Gui’s banishment spell.

 

When she’s inside Uncle’s dream, the sight she sees is downright surreal. She sees sheep leaping over a picket fence slanting towards a sky, and down below is Uncle resting peaceably on the coast of a tropical island, drinking a cold beverage and merrily joining the sheep in leaping over the fence. Questioning where her Uncle has REALLY gone, and perhaps wondering if her dopey Uncle's gone dope-y, Jade then asks the old man for the Chi Spell. Uncle doesn’t quite like it when he has to think down-to-earth, especially when he feels so high (please,, not THAT kind of high…), but he does offer Jade the key ingredients. He tells his grandniece that she will need a flower (the symbol of the Immortal behind Dai Gui’s exile), and, as is with the case of any other chi spell, hair of ewe. Not given enough details with the hair of ewe, Jade is amused that her own hair could be so strong. Feeling he has said enough, Uncle then grabs a floating sheep and floats away to who-knows-where.

 

Jade goes back to her body, telling Tohru to grab "Mr. Happypants" while she gathers research for the trip to Spain.

 

Riding aboard a taxicab along with the Armor of the Eight Immortals, Jackie calls Captain Black, who’s hit a homerun during a company softball game a few whiles ago. Knowing his own goal’s been out of the dugout, Jackie asks Black to get a satellite run on Spain to determine the Dark Hand’s location.

 

The Dark Hand has finally determined Dai Gui’s portal atop a grassy foothill. With the portal opened, Dai Gui, a giant horned lizard-like beast with rocky stubs for feet, makes his arrival upon the earth. He gripes that too many flowers populate the land, and not wanting to be reminded of his exile, he bids the Dark Hand cronies that they must start digging to build his domain. Shendu points out that he already has a more important role at hand, and that is freeing the other siblings out of their portals. Dai Gui agrees, and so he burrows into the earth, and speeds across his changed domain, his giant horns the only parts sticking out. Since Dai Gui only cares to build his domain, Valmont, Ratso and Hak Foo agree that it’s time to leave the dirty picture and not fall to those mighty horns.

 

Jackie Chan & Jade w/ Tohru & Uncle vs. Dai Gui [Handicap?] (***3/4)- Jackie Chan hops out of the cab with the Armor at hand when he sees the Dark Hand running for it. Jackie readies fists and feet, only to realize they don’t want to pick a fight with him. Wondering what it could all mean, Jackie meets Dai Gui’s horns and has little choice but to latch onto them. When the speed subsides, Dai Gui emerges from the earth and notices the puny mortal near him to be Jackie Chan, who hopelessly makes a bad impression of a grub to save himself.

 

Managing to escape the dirt, Jackie dons the Armor from the brick roadway and in seconds, the clunky, metal suit magically transforms into a super-mighty spandex suit. (I’m not joking here…) His strength multiplied many times over, Super Jackie punches Dai Gui right and left. (You’d half expect sound balloons to show up somewhere.) He even grabs the Earth Demon’s horns and flips the giant down to the floor! But Dai Gui has got plenty of guts in him, and so the fight rages on.

 

Jade and Tohru have everything at hand, including the unconscious Uncle. Jackie meets his family and Tohru and sees Uncle waving hello at him. (Actually, that’s Tohru playing the ventriloquist and Jade providing voice-over.) Jackie leaves Uncle and the rest to continue the clash against Dai Gui, but when he sees Uncle knocked over by a pigeon, that’s when it’s revealed to him that Jade and Tohru are actually the ones doing the chi spell. Jackie has no time to carp, as Dai Gui is growing ever impatient that the Chan Man keeps zipping from one company to the next. Jade quickly grabs the flower and entwines a strand of her hair over the stem. Tohru then prays and chants Uncle’s famous words, "Gu Mo Gue Guai Fai Di Tzao" (let’s face it; does ANYONE have an accurate version of this?) The flower bursts with chi energy and Jade aims the flower, but the projectile sends Jackie flying out of Dai Gui into the rocky floor! And Jackie is on Dream Street! (Guess this means Jade sucks at arcade shoot ‘em ups, huh?)

 

Jade is extremely embarrassed at the mistake until Tohru realizes that the chi spell hasn’t worked, Otherwise, a portal would’ve opened. (Let me get this straight. If Jade does get the spell right and it hits Jackie, does that mean Jackie will be sent to the…Nah, forget about it…)

 

Just as things look bleak, Uncle wakes up out of his slumber! He notices there’s no hair of ewe on the flower, and ultimately explains that the ewe he speaks is a female sheep! Tohru resourcefully surmises that a few threads of Uncle’s wool vest ought to do the trick. As Dai Gui comes marching towards the trio, Uncle sprinkles wool over the flower, and he and Tohru chant furiously, and with that, Jade finally scores the bulls-eye on the Earth Demon. The demon is banished back to his portal with a requisite "NOOOOO!" at the top of his lungs.

 

All is fine again, though Uncle comes back with his endless array of complaints coming full force at everybody. But Jade says that’s just all right. To her, the only good Uncle will always be an active Uncle!

 

A-

 

"Armor of the Gods" is just silly fun every bit of the way. From the outrageous opener to the quirky finish at Spain, the weirdness never seems to stop. Maybe the plot isn’t classic stuff worth talking about over and over, but there are amusing moments that will stay on your head after it’s over. Undoubtedly, the humor bits and Uncle’s dream sequence are the strongest highlights of the episode.

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 31…AGENT TAG- Jackie Chan is at Uncle’s Rare Finds, pondering why he should research on Celtic Pig Goddesses. He gets a call from Jade, who is head over heels (literally) in Section 13, awaiting for supercharged action to arrive. Jackie’s idea of a good time is letting Jade help him with the research, because he’s not a hero, he’s an archaeologist. Jade’s not supportive of her uncle’s conservatism, so she hangs up.

 

Suddenly, the alarms on Section 13 blare, and Black and his colleagues run over to one of those Mega-frame screens that shows everything about secret mission objectives. Jade silently follows the group in her plunger shoes. The bad guy in the screen is Dr. Necrosis, who has placed his new Necropolis inside of a volcano. (I’ve seen this before; Agent 006 does about the same thing in "Goldeneye", only with a circular lake.) One agent tells Black that perhaps they should enlist the help of Taggart "Tag" McStone, the only man able to defeat arch-nemesis Necrosis. Black sadly explains that McStone has retired, but the agent conversing to him unveils his disguise, and it’s Agent Tag himself! With his James Bondish debonair, Tag wants a piece of Necrosis, and is ready to use his devices (mighty fine ones, too) to save the day again as only Tag could. (Actually, Bond could too, but never mind.)

 

Tag activates a suitcase that morphs into an airplane at the push of a button. As he gets in and flies away, he is unaware that an action-ready Jade has hopped into its cramped trunk, which barely fits even her small size. Her eyes bulge out in dizziness. (Trivia: this may be the largest eyes we’ve ever seen from Jade.)

Captain Black hulks up his six pack with a couple of hefty weights, and that’s when Jackie comes by in a panic. The Chan Man wants to know why Jade hasn’t come back to the shop, and why it seems Jade has not been a-stirring at Section 13, usually her favorite spot to hang out. As Black says it best, "Oh, no…."

 

Black tries to contact Agent Tag, but it’s too late…Tag is under stealth, which means no surveillance could have him. Jackie and Black hop aboard a chopper and head out towards the Necropolis.

 

Tag lands safely and motions down to the Necropolis. He lays the smack down on a Necronite (my way of calling a guard of Necrosis) and dons the foe’s orange suit. Meanwhile, Jade follows Tag by riding on the folded-back suitcase, and then clumsily falling down next to him. Tag suddenly notices there’s trouble. BIG trouble.

 

Jackie is getting ready to swoop down and rescue Jade. Black assures Jackie that Tag has everything under control, but even Black himself isn’t so sure of that.

 

Tag figures the girl is Jade Chan and sees her as a jeopardy to the mission, and therefore he must abort for her safety, and her recklessness… (Big question here; why is Jade blushing in this scene? She usually doesn’t blush when she’s discovered doing something this tricky. I’m not a sicko, but does Jade have something for older men? Makes you want to go Hmmmm…)

 

Jackie suddenly arrives in a hang glider…and crashes to the floor. Tag runs in to help the fellow civilian. But a dizzy Jackie mistakes him for a group of Necronites, and cracks Tag with a big boot. Tag is actually down for the count! (Next time, Black, show Jackie what Mr. Tag looks like!)

 

Jade can’t believe Jackie’s actually beaten Tag, but that’s a good thing, cause now, Jackie’s the only one who can save the day! Jackie quickly pushes the button on the suitcase to activate the plane and get out of here, but he pushes the wrong button and the plane flies away! (Maybe we have found the reason why Jackie doesn’t ride on a car that often…) Out run in the real Necronites, who have been waiting all this time to find someone they can shake their sticks and guns at.

 

Jackie Chan & Jade [Handicap] w/ Agent Tag vs. The Necronites (****)- Like any mass group of villains, the Necronites commit the ultimate error; they don’t often gang up against the heroes all at once. Their other error happens to be not being able to shoot Jackie when they have a chance. (Either their guns don’t shoot very far or their goggles don’t provide them proper vision. Better yet, maybe they’ve never been guards before). Jackie, meanwhile, shows amusing fighting skill by whipping around Tag like a nunchuku (a la Bruce Lee in "Enter the Dragon") over the Necronites. Jade says Jackie is hurting poor Tag, and Jackie simply says that he’s just keeping himself from getting hurt. (I guess this means if Uncle’s unconscious during a fight, Jackie would start whipping him around, too. Say, that’s not such a bad idea…)

 

There are too many Necronites on the volcano, so Jackie and Jade hop down into the Necropolis, parting ways during the process. Poor Agent Tag is left lying somewhere in the base. Because he dons a Necronite suit, and because the other Necronites don’t know jack about Tag’s real face, the agent is thought to be one of theirs…out cold. Lucky him.

 

Meanwhile, having sacrificed the lights in his room to conserve useful energy for the rest of the Necropolis, Dr. Necrosis sits down twiddling his thumbs, boasting to a gambling man named Hoyle about how they will rule the world. He mentions a magical Druid Stone as the source for his new Doomsday Device. Hoyle jubilantly flips mean cards and speaks in enigmatic card language, so Necrosis, as if listening to the audience, advises Hoyle to cut down on the puns, and just guard the stone in the cargo base. Jade hears all this in a vent, and she quickly makes her way to the said location of the Druid Stone.

 

Having suspected important items to be in the cargo base, Jackie has made his way in there as well. He finds a forklift carrying what he thinks is the Doomsday Device, and he jumps the driver. But the driver is none other than Jade, who’s trying to stop the cargo itself, and Jackie quickly leaves behind her, jumping onto the forklift in hopes of getting to the cargo before anyone else could. Unfortunately, Hoyle arrives with his quick hands and sharp deck.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Hoyle (***)- Hoyle is quite the oddjob. He has a strange ability to make a deck of cards pursue Jackie back and forth. We must think he’s psychic, specifically telekinetic. Anyways, he easily traps poor Jackie, and contacts Necrosis to tell him that Agent Tag has been captured.

 

Moments later, Jackie is tied up and meets the Bad-A Doctor himself. Necrosis and Jackie make a priceless gamut of arguments over how each knows who Jackie really is. Necrosis really thinks only Tag could have made it into the base, never believing for a second that an archaeologist like Jackie can too. The wordplay is definitely the comic gem of the story.

 

Winning the argument (sort of), Necrosis reveals that the Necropolis has a gigantic satellite dish (just like in "Goldeneye"!), and that the Druid Stone will be harnessed so that a global satellite can fire potent lasers at any direction, which Necrosis can determine through a remote control.

 

Suddenly, we notice a little scientist watching all this unfold. Wait, it’s Jade, and she runs off and stops Necrosis from having Jackie zapped in half. Oops, the control malfunctions in the rescue and the satellite wildly fires a shower of lasers like the ones we see in oh-so many video games.

 

Jackie Chan, Jade & Agent Tag vs. Hoyle & Dr. Necrosis [Handicap Lasers Go Everywhere Match] (****)- Ay, what’s happened to all the Necronites who’ve been helping the bad guys out? Anyways, Jackie has a no-weapons-barred rematch against Hoyle, but Jade gets the critical moment by giving Hoyle a bucket for a dunce cap, giving Jackie time for the big boot. (Important rule when fighting psychic villains; always blind them first!) Necrosis tries to flee without any fighting, but a refreshed Agent Tag arrives and serves him a freshly-made knuckle sandwich. Down for the count, the doctor curses Jackie, still thinking he’s Agent Tag! I bet Necrosis is off to an asylum after this one…

 

With the Druid Stone in good hands and the Doomsday Device in dormancy, Tag, Jackie and Jade are hoisted out of the Necropolis via Section 13 chopper. Tag impresses Black with the details of his successful mission against Dr. Necrosis. Jade complains to Jackie that Tag’s story is total hyperbole, but Jackie would rather let it go for the real professional. By the end, Tag ponders over how to solve a crossword puzzle about a Celtic Pig Goddess, and Jackie says the right answer! Tag highly respects Jackie, calling him a whiz, but Jade simply replies that Jackie is just an archaeologist. With that, the chopper flies over the satellite dish into the horizon. (This final shot is also inspired by "Goldeneye"!)

 

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"Jackie Chan Adventures", just like many Jackie Chan movies, often moves and operates as a parody machine, playing up on the silliness of other tried and true tales and infusing them with high-flying adventure as only Chan can know. The James Bond series have always been favorite material to parodize (not a real word), and "Agent Tag" is proof of that. Welcome to parody paradise, kids…