Episode 14...DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE- Jade, our favorite little tomboy, lays out the situation to Jackie. Apparently, she has taken the Rabbit Talisman and wants to prove the world (er, school) that the magical talismans aren’t a bunch of eight-sided lies. Jackie lets his niece know that showing off in front of students and whoever else isn’t always worth it. He shows her a scar on his arm, the result of an aerial mishap done back in his own school days. Not wanting his niece to get scars on her pretty body, Jackie advises her that there will be no showing off and therefore no taking along the talisman. He places the talisman in a box and tells Jade to go to school.

 

Jade Chan, ever seeking a loophole among reasoning, realizes that since Jackie doesn’t want her to show off, she won’t, but that’d mean she CAN take the Rabbit Talisman with her! She puts the octagon beside the pens, notebook and Game Boy in her pack and stows off. Dang, we’re lucky she’s no terrorist. She would’ve really made negotiators knee-deep in their own sweat.

 

Leaving down the hallway of Section 13, Jade suddenly hears Jackie calling her urgently. Fearing that the Chan Man’s already figured out her ploy, Jade scrambles into a door. She suddenly sees a laser beam fly toward her and she impulsively raises the Rabbit Talisman, successfully parrying the beam.

 

The laser belongs to a cannon constructed by Section 13’s scientist Dr. Kepler, a sort of cross between James Bond’s Q and the kind of intellectual wizard who would check out a woman based on her molecular structure rather than her favorite hobbies. Anyways, Kepler the walking S.A.T. dictionary explains to Jade that she’s gotten in the way of a quantum cannon, i.e., a cannon capable of altering time structure. Obviously, the little girl is lucky not to have immediately fallen to the beam. But the doctor hopes that next time she not make entry here, else Jade would succumb to something that would adversely affect her feminine frame and blight his uncanny occupation (Gosh, now look what the doctor’s done to the Extremo Luchadore!).

 

Leaving the tech door, Jade sees Jackie Chan, but Jackie only wants to give her the lunch box she’s forgotten on her trip to school. Jade sighs and leaves, feeling home safe. What only we can notice is that deep inside her pack, the Rabbit Talisman is glowing green, the same hue as the quantum-reverse beam....

 

At a donut shop, the Enforcers watch gloomily as Tohru enjoyably scarfs the mornings’ worth of donuts. Everybody wishes their luck would turn for the better today. Ratso specifically wishes that a talisman would come to them instead of them coming to the talisman. Just at that time, the Dragon Seeking Device lights up and Jade walks past the shop. Tohru, Finn and Chow run out as Ratso starts begging that he wants to be a millionaire.

 

Jade sees she’s super late for school and needs a mode of transport. On with the not-so-bright light bulb again, Jade grabs the Rabbit Talisman and speeds towards the school. Tohru and the Enforcers mistime their approach and the sumo flattens his compadres into crepes. As Jade rushes on, the talisman glows green and the area around her becomes enveloped in swirls of red and yellow before she lands right in front of the elementary school. Jade is dazed, but realizes she’s right on time.

 

Jade goes up to her classroom and is amazed to find nobody recognizable among her buddies; no Maynard, no Drew, nobody. She even sees a native from Icksville; the boy’s wearing bell-bottom pants.

 

Jade’s teacher isn’t entirely recognizable either. It is Ms. Hartman, but she has an even fuller head of hair, like Sora Takenouchi. (I actually thought she looked sexy, but...never mind.) Hartman herself does not know who Jade is, and Jade explains she is Jade Chan. The teacher ponders at her classroom roster and does read a name bearing “J. Chan”. She then announces to the class that Jade is the new student from Hong Kong! Jade is baffled, but her bafflements aren’t at an end. The classroom door opens, and out comes a sprightly, raven-haired boy in a blue shirt and skinny brown slacks. The boy addresses that he is the transfer student: he’s Jackie Chan!

 

Managing to escape everyone from questioning her role as an “imposter“, Jade stops by the locker room and thinks over the world she’s in. Jackie’s at her age; he’s now 10 years old. If that is so, then that means....Jade is in circa 1976! (This would also mean the Jackie she knows best is 35 years old. 35 and still single? Don’t ask me...) The Rabbit Talisman added in with Kepler’s beam has enabled her to speed into the past, like Marty McFly, except without needing to drive a DeLorean! Jade supposes another try with the Rabbit Talisman will do, but the talisman, speedy as it is, refuses her admission back to 2001! Jade’s in doo-doo again.

 

Jackie Chan, immune from the two-fingered salutes of Uncle, receives the second-most dreaded thing; a phone call exploding with Uncle’s cranky voice. A po’ed Uncle wants to know what’s the matter with uncle and niece; Jade has been called in as being absent from school! At the same time, Jackie grabs the talisman box and sees it empty, having not just an inkling that Jade’s defied orders again, but that hiding talismans in a non child-proof box should never be done again.

 

Jackie enters Dr. Kepler’s lab, and screams as another beam flies towards him. Jackie leaps and plants both legs on the door side as the laser misses him. After a LOOONG amount of consideration, Kepler realizes what we’ve known all along; putting laser-firing science projects in front of the doorway is tantamount to a stairway to heaven. Jackie steps towards the doctor and asks him if Jade’s done anything odd here. Kepler only says that Jade herself has almost been struck by the quantum-reverse laser, but Kepler assures Jackie that she has not been harmed. Kepler halts as he notices something strange in his tracking gadgets; remnants of the quantum reverse beam are trailing out of Section 13. Assuming Jade to be carrying these remnants, Kepler and Jackie follow the trail with the handy device.

 

At Dark Hand HQ, Shendu the then not-so Chippendale lawn ornament advises Valmont that the Rabbit Talisman is being in use not far away. Shendu believes the high-octane octagon has been taken to a time warp, one where it’s not likely that Section 13 or Jackie Chan would pose serious threats to the plans. Valmont orders Tohru to take the Enforcers with him and find this time warp. A Shadowkhan hands a crystal ball to the reluctant four gangsters. Shendu explains that time warps can only go one direction. Without the crystal ball, Tohru, Finn, Ratso and Chow will be unable to zip back to the present day with the Rabbit Talisman in their clutches.

 

Stopping by the orange and yellow rift, the Enforcers all begin wondering if they’re going to have go Jurassic on everyone’s ass. They come to the conclusion that Tohru be the sacrificial lamb, but the sumo grabs the Finnster and throws him into the rift, saying that the Disco Dude will serve his purpose well as the lone Dark Hand martyr, and the first human being to be ever eaten by saurians. A two-for-one deal no human would be sane enough to accept...

 

But when Tohru, Chow and Ratso enter the warp, they are amazed to see the city of San Fran still in their sights, and an immensely cheerful Finn dancing around. He explains they’re in the seventies, a childhood he couldn’t afford not to revisit, especially if disco still is in its prime. Tohru holds up the Dragon Seeking Device and figures a way out.

 

As Jade leaves the school, she sees Jackie Chan trying to show off his martial arts skills by hopping across a single wall and landing right on its thin top, but he stumbles and collapses. Before his body greets concrete, Jackie is rescued by Jade, while a bunch of boys laugh at Jackie for f*cking up the stunt. Jackie thanks Jade, and promises to her that he’ll do much better at martial arts next time, so he wouldn’t disappoint Uncle. Jade’s light bulb is revived, and she eagerly grabs Jackie into the shop of the not-too-old oldster.

 

Meanwhile, at present time, Kepler and Jackie continue the trail across the streets of San Francisco. Jackie receives a suddenly bizarre feeling as he sees the childhood scar on his arm vanish forever. Kepler asks him if he’s okay, and Jackie only replies that he hopes so.

 

At the past, the old man’s shop is not yet called Uncle’s Rare Finds. It’s....Uncle’s 8-Traxx?! Whatever the name really is, the shop houses shelves full of...8-Track Tapes? Out arrives a blue-haired Uncle, an Uncle 25 years away from modern times, who finds it upsetting that Jackie’s still trying to show off like he’s the next big thing. Jade is amazed that Uncle’s selling 8-Tracks, which the old man insists will be the road of the future. Jade not just says that that’s a lost cause, but that Uncle will end up being way cooler, selling antiques and doing chi magic. Now it’s Uncle’s turn to be amazed; just how does Jade know about his future prospect?

 

The Enforcers vs. Uncle, Jade & Little Chan (****)- The Enforcers arrive into the shop, learning that a green-rooted Jackie is present. They quickly attempt to cut Jackie from the Chan family tree, but Uncle decides it’s time to oil up his fighting engine and make a new use with the 8-tracks, and so he lobs them everywhere like plastic shurikens. As Jade and Little Chan run off, Tohru sneaks behind Uncle and pounds the shopkeeper with his favorite cashiers table. Jade uses the talisman to steal a “brother’s” roller skates and help Little Chan skate their way to safety.

 

Little Chan asks multiple questions about what is going on right now. Jade answers quick and feels inclined that by this time, the Enforcers will have left the shop in pursuit of the talisman. Quickly, the kids go back.

 

The heels’ victory is actually a stalemate. With Uncle down for the count, Tohru and the Enforcers have won the bout, but no Rabbit Talisman is to be grasped. They’re at a loss right now as to where to go. Ratso has a perfect solution; contact Valmont!

 

Ratso goes to a phone booth while Finn is sure as hell that Big V’s over at England enjoying tea and crumpets by now. But Ratso finds the man’s name AND address in the phone book, and his cohorts are bulgy-eyed. (Sadly, we, the viewers, are denied from knowing his full name, since he couldn’t possibly own a house...could he?)

 

Tohru and the Enforcers stop by a neat little condo that almost feels like something out of the happy Baby Boom generation. As Ratso knocks on the door, out comes a little white-haired boy with a very circular face but also the focused blue eyes and a well-equipped aggravation. This is... Little V? (Heavy AWW factor here.) Ratso thinks he’s cute, but Finn goes up front, asking Little V what in the world Valmont’s doing in America. Little V explains that it is very obvious that he has come to America to fulfill his education, and thus he has no need to accept any idiot salespeople around! But then Ratso explains that they’re not salespeople, they’re his henchmen! Little V slowly listens carefully.

 

Little V learns that in the future, he will lead a megalomaniac crime wave against the entire world! But an excited and oh-so proud Little V doesn’t want to wait for the future; now aware of his fate, he wants to commit evil NOW! (We’re REALLY starting to love where this is going.) Together, the Enforcers, Tohru and the 10-year old Valmont concoct a plan to get Jackie Chan to give up the Rabbit Talisman in exchange for a particular hostage; his 8-Track-selling Uncle, who is actually offed by one of Little V’s naughty little playthings. (Wait a minute...If Valmont’s 10 years in 1976, wouldn’t that mean he’s 35 and also still single? Don’t ask me that either.)

 

Jackie Chan and Kepler finally stop by a portal in the road leading up to the elementary school. Kepler surmises this portal must lead up to the future or the past. Jackie shouts out in realization, knowing that the disappearance of his scar must’ve been the result of Jade’s tampering of the past. (But wait! How CAN he know? Jackie can’t possibly recall something that hasn’t happened, or does memory take more time to change than the human body?) Jackie runs into the portal. Kepler warns that Jackie may never return, but Jackie retorts that if his past keeps getting tampered with, he may never even live!

 

Little Chan and Jade make their return to the shambled shop, consternated to find a ransom note composed out of magazine cutouts! Little V, who wisely refuses to reveal his true identity, warns the kids to take the Rabbit Talisman to the requested address on the note. (Which wouldn’t have been too problematic to the more logical human mind. Anyone who finds the address should normally call the cops and take Little V to juvie. Oh, wait....This is the 70s...Exactly how much could you trust the police back then? For all we know, Little Chan and Jade would‘ve been arrested thanks to racial profiling! No wonder “everybody is kung fu fighting!”)

 

Jade tells Little Chan to stay in the shop, because if he’s endangered, their future will be on the line. As Jade speeds off with the Rabbit Talisman, Little Chan surmises that if his Uncle’s threatened, a bad result can still not be afforded, and so slow and steady he goes, just as another, taller Chan enters the era....

 

Uncle’s being bound to a fold-up beach chair while the Enforcers, Tohru and Little V await for more wicked acts of “megavillainy”. Ratso asks his little boss how they’re going to handle things if Valmont’s parents come back home. Little V merely replies it’s just a social studies project. (I’m amazed he wouldn’t say Uncle’s a mad goat on doobies....)

 

Jackie Chan, Jade, Uncle & Little Chan vs. The Enforcers, Tohru & Little V (*****+)- It’s a superfreaky fight all the way! Once more, we’ve got a true testament to what JCA keeps pouring at us every Saturday morning! Jade learns that at his youth, Little Chan couldn’t swim. Jackie Chan almost fades into nothing (just like in the “Back to the Future” series) but Jade takes the dip and rescues the boy! Tohru manages to get the Rabbit Talisman back and zooms away with the Enforcers, while a furious Little V follows, demanding, “You can’t leave, you’re my henchmen!” The Chan Man and Little Chan become so glad to meet each other that they speak exactly the same thing for a short while. Jade gets them back to reality and says the foes have got the talisman and the crystal ball from which to escape. Little Chan doesn’t think so as he holds up the crystal ball, which he’s pilfered off of Finn.

 

Not too far off, Tohru, Ratso and Chow all prepare to give Finn their weight-reducing programs just when Finn worriedly spouts that he doesn’t got any balls. (You know what I mean.) Little V runs towards them, asking what the hell they’re talking about.

 

Just then, Jackie, Jade Uncle and Little Chan arrive. Tohru speeds at them with MACH speed via Rabbit Talisman. With double big boots, Jackie and Uncle gladly show Tohru the entrance to a school auditorium, where the students are mightily impressed with the kung-fu fighting. Finn and Ratso furiously fight Jackie as the Chan Man attempts to claim the talisman into his pocket.

 

Time now for the Extremo Pop Quiz, where Tajeri Lynn asks YOU to figure out the best answer in today’s greatest question.

 

Question: Why did Little Chan and Little V suddenly disappear in the fight at the school auditorium?

 

1.) Little Chan and Little V went on strike, learning that this was their only appearance on the show.

 

2.) A red-head kid named Angus mobbed the two and left them lying, learning that he didn’t get to have a role at this show.

 

3.) When Little Chan and Little V knuckled up and were rolling across the ground, censors deemed the scenes to have naughty-looking inferences.

 

4.) The kids kept flubbing the fights on their shows...Tohru got stepped over, Ratso got stepped on the foot, Jade was bumped around like a pinball, and Little Chan accidentally hit Jackie’s.....let’s not go there.

 

5.) Restroom break....in the middle of the set. Yes, crews weren’t always monitoring their stars tightly.

 

6.) Chow lost his glasses halfway in a fight scene. As a result, he chased after Little V and Little Chan when was he supposedly chasing Jade. The two boys got so scared of his aggression that they didn’t want to share the same scenes with Chow....Really ruins his hunk look, huh?

 

If you didn’t pick an answer, then you were perfectly sane....

 

Back to the SHOW....Jackie grabs two punch ladles and does some serious business with Finn and Ratso. The Ratty Man decides two can play that game, and so he grabs a root beer bottle and whacks Jackie in the gut. He even tries to soak Jackie right on his brownie eyes, but Jackie ducks and trips Ratso off his loafers. Quickly, Jackie runs towards Uncle and the duo grab each other’s arms and kick Ratso and Chow out of the way. Finn’s about to knuckle up, until a spotlight shines on him, and he happily lets loose his groove to a disco beat. Yup, he gets down....That’s one down for the heel side and the faces still got all 4. Good teamwork, Finn.

 

Tohru regains his consciousness, nabbing the Rabbit Talisman and then zipping next to Jade, taking away the crystal ball off her hands. Jade cries for help, and help arrives as Little Chan leaps onto a wall correctly and then onto Tohru’s noggin, jabbing saliva-packed fingers onto the sumo’s ears. (Brrr!) Little Chan throws the ball to Jackie, but immediately, Tohru grabs Little Chan and threatens to pound the boy into kibble. Jackie retorts by grabbing Little V and threatening to pound him into crumbs. A Mexican stand-off begins, until Chow points out Jackie’s got no murderous heart. Jackie releases Little V, who grabs the crystal ball and threatens to destroy everyone’s chance of heading into the present! Jade assaults Little V and the two go at it. (This is not a humorous inference, perverts.) Their struggling activates the crystal ball, creating a portal which sucks Jade back in. Tohru and Jackie run inside the portal while Ratso and Chow run in with a retrieved Finn sobbing about the all-too soon departure of his favorite decade.

 

Little V goes over to Little Chan and promises that someday there will be another dance between them. Taking advantage of Little V’s big mouth, Little Chan launches a furious spinning chop towards Little V, and it deliberately doesn’t connect. But Little V screams his lungs out like a little girl and collapses like a rag doll. (I suppose that in the present, Valmont’s gotten even more afraid of Jackie Chan, or is it more angrier?) Uncle takes Little Chan and the two leave this crazy adventure, so that Uncle finally can rid himself of that oddball blue-sheen on his hair.

 

Meanwhile in the portal, Jackie and Tohru grapple with the Rabbit Talisman, but Jackie’s will is stronger and he sends Tohru and the Enforcers crashing into an even farther past, one with stagecoaches and no disco music? Oh, the horror, the horror! Well, except maybe for Finn. Maybe he’ll be able to revisit the 60s and 70s again....unless his groove gets lost by then....

 

Jackie and Jade leap out of the portal and right next to Dr. Kepler, who finds the time continuum once again in normalcy. Kepler leaves, still questioning what could possibly create a time warp. Jade wants to prove it, but seeing Jackie’s face, the little niece of Chan’s figures now’s not a good time to prove anything.

 

Valmont....Oh no, no, no. I’m not going to give away the ending. You’ve got to see this one to believe it.

 

A+++

 

The only other episode close to rivaling “Tale of the Demon Tail”, “DtRH” is absolutely a perfect way to begin the new and improved JCA series. The time traveling with the Rabbit Talisman is so ingenious that the folks behind the episode should’ve deserved a raise. And, ah yes, the Little Chan and the Little V characters are TOO CUTE to simply pass up; when Little V plans to tell his parents that the tied-up Uncle is part of a “Social Studies” project, we know this is JCA that lets us laugh at new decibels. Or how about Finn dancing to disco, or the unfortunate fate that befalls the Enforcers by the very end, or a blue-haired Uncle selling 8-track tapes at his shop? We’re even introduced to Jade’s new look; instead of the rigidly diamond-eyed brat, Jade’s an oval-eyed cutey pie who still shows a lot of fight in her. This is a delivery of goodies that most shows would spend several seasons to equal. CLASSIC JCA, NOT TO BE MISSED.

 

Jackie’s closing remarks at the end of this show are especially great. Through a series of pens, he tells a little tale about what it’s like growing up in the Peking Opera House from which he’s learned his martial arts trade. He does admit he’s not the most expert of the students at the time. (One such expert, the youngest of them, is the legendary Bruce Lee). Chan pretty much implies that while he may not be too fast and frenetic a martial artist, he’s made it up with his resourcefulness for everyday objects and Buster Keaton-like physical comedy, hence the features of this television show.

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 15…THE WARRIOR INCARNATE- The story starts with one of our least favorite couples, Valmont and Shendu, once again making a big deal out of each other’s shortcomings. Valmont for the gazillionth time “can assure” Shendu that the Dark Hand’s not taking the matter lying down. Just in time, Finn and Ratso walk up to the stage, arguing about the Daily Tribune Finnster’s carrying. Shendu then orders the two bumblers to come closer, and to show the paper to him. His gleaming eyes see a picture describing the terra cotta statue of Lo Pei. Shendu knows quite the gist about Lo Pei....

 

Back at the Ling Dynasty, when Shendu was scaring everybody with his Chippendale frame, the chi warrior Lo Pei managed to encase Shendu in his statue form and scatter his talismans to the four corners of the earth. (It wasn’t quite clear, however, how Shendu came back to earth, since, in Season 2, we discovered he was already banished to the Netherworld assumedly before Lo Pei defeated him.)

 

Finn and Ratso suppose that this means Lo Pei’s been turned to a statue himself. Shendu points out the erroneous conclusion, remarking that it’s only a dupe. However, Valmont skims down the paper and learns the statue bears ancient Chinese markings, which quite possibly may bear clues to the missing talismans. (This show is, after all, a sort of midcard to the first season.) Shendu eagerly commands the Dark Hand to make tracks to the local museum, nab the statue and take it so he may decipher the chicken scratches.

 

Just as you’d expect from a Jackie Chan adventure, someone already got to the priceless artifact; the Chan Man, no less. And just as you’d expect from a Jackie Chan adventure, someone already broke the priceless artifact; Jade Chan, no less. Jade tries going for a new world record, apparently assuming the whole world is witness to her little stunt. Anyways, the statue is inconveniently in the bee line from the streets and through the entrance of Uncle’s Rare Finds, and so scooter-toting Jade knocks the statue down to the floor. Gravity kills the statue softly as it shatters into millions of pieces across the shop.

 

Jackie begins bemoaning of the broken statue, since it’s a loan from the museum and now he’s gonna see a bunch of zeroes in the bill. Jade helplessly apologizes over and over, while Uncle walks in with cups of jasmine tea as calmer-downers. Jackie goes paranoid, saying that he’s seeing the Gotterdammerung of his career beginning to unfold in the tea. Uncle salutes him with the “Goat”, chiding that the greatest loss from the statue isn’t Jackie’s career, but the history the statue has carried on it for nine whole centuries. Uncle then realizes he should go off and contact the insurance agency about this and see how the dinero’ll be arranged. Jade then tries to help by putting the pieces together like a puzzle, but seeing the futility of it all, Jackie only wants his niece to stop helping, and of course, the niece begins telling us that help from her is never in short supply.

 

At the museum warehouse, Finn, Ratso and Chow are on the prowl for the Lo Pei statue. Much to their regret, all they see is the statue’s platform and a tag reading that Jackie Chan’s having the loan.

 

Moments later, Jackie Chan and Uncle stop by the front room, only to see every bit of the Lo Pei statue gone! At once, Finn, Ratso and Chow return with yet another day of loitering in the old man’s shop. Chow, sounding like the typical Jackie Chan enemy, demands to Chan where is the statue. Not quite sure exactly who is being referred to, Jackie and Uncle alternatively reply “missing” or “broken”, unable to stay on a single viewpoint. Chow concludes that both are lying, and so for their honesty, they get the daily serving of fists and feet, hopefully just enough to get some teeth falling.

 

Jackie Chan w/ Uncle vs. The Enforcers (****)- Do these guys EVER have a bad match together? Jackie quickly invites The Enforcers over with a boiling tea kettle. Chow, Finn, and Ratso go through hell trying to lob the kettle away. When the kettle flies, a completely terrified Uncle tells Jackie that the item’s an antique. Jackie’s lightning fast feet aid him to the rescue of the kettle (and of himself; break Uncle‘s valuables, and the “Goats“ will start rumbling). Jackie fights so furiously that the Enforcers decide to take their hands at some nearby antique swords and make Jackie become much shorter than he already is. The Chan Man whips out umbrellas and confuse the slice-and-dicers with some pointing and opening with the less-than-fatal weapons. The Enforcers ultimately conclude that the statue is nowhere and that they’ve definitely got to lie to Valmont about how they’ve been bested.

 

With the Enforcers realizing again that loitering is never worth it, Jackie and Uncle themselves realize that the Dark Hand hasn’t taken the statue. Jackie gloomily knows only one remaining suspect.

 

It’s Jade, no less. The little Chan enters into the Section 13 vault in pursuit of the Horse Talisman. Apparently, Black must’ve forgotten about getting back his key card from “The Rock”, not to mention upping the ante on security, because Jade goes inside the vault and merely plucks the healer off the preservation case without any blares sounding off or any lasers turning her into ash.

 

She heads over to Lo Pei’s broken pile in the Chans’ Sec. 13 room(making us wonder how she’d be able to carry every last speck without even Black knowing), and then shines the talisman over the statue(making us wonder why this is possible since in every other scenario, the talisman heals by direct contact). Within seconds, the statue’s as good as new. Jade knows that her uncle Jackie will be proud once she figures out the inscriptions on Lo Pei’s boots, and the bestest best solution is by applying to the statue the Rat Talisman, so that a living Lo Pei can perhaps talk about what he’s got on his shoes.

 

As Jade holds the item over the object, the Rat Talisman flies off her hands and sinks beneath Lo Pei. The statue flashes and in a burst of sparkling lights, a fleshed out Lo Pei, big gray beard and all, emerges, wondering where in the world he is. Jade proudly explains that she’s helped the big guy by applying the Horse Talisman on him. Lo Pei is confused, adding that as the winds carry...., so has he scattered all the Talismans to the four corners of the earth. Jade explains that’s no longer a problem, because Section 13 carries a prominent batch of the magical octagons safely in the vault. Unfortunately, Lo Pei becomes hostile, demanding Jade where these talismans are. He walks off into the vault, demanding only to retrieve the talismans so that they may be scattered again and be warded away from the hands of the Ultimate Evil (which is probably a reference to Big S). Jade now knows when her heroics have hit the fan.

 

Lo Pei stands before the huge metal vault and raises a parchment from beneath his coat. He yells, “Energy Scroll!” and a blast of green blows the vault into scrap. He sees that several talismans have yet to be retrieved (the ones he mentions clue us in that this story takes place after “The Rock”), but Lo Pei takes his chances with these talismans. With his brilliant magic, he sends the octagons flying off and entering into a special strap which somewhat resembles a series of gourds tied together. Finishing the work, Lo Pei turns and sees two agents demanding him to freeze. Lo Pei simply holds up a scroll and yells, “Immobilizer Scroll!” and both men are momentary statues. Captain Black and the other team of elites rush in to stop the mysterious terrorist, but they can’t afford to shoot with Jade not far behind Lo Pei. Pei sends another Energy Scroll blasting the ceiling and he starts flying up after yelling “Levitation Scroll”. (I personally wish he could have “Kamehamehara Scroll!”, but never mind.)

 

Jade tries to explain the ordeal but Black, still the big cynic when it comes to magic and mysticism, explains that the terrorist must’ve disillusioned everybody to believe that Lo Pei would escape through an unseen vehicle. Black even adds that Jade’s a brave little girl to hold her own through all this. Jade starts a little speech commemorating her courage until Jackie breaks the subject and demands to his niece about the destroyed Talisman vault. Jade implies that Lo Pei’s now gone really 3-D, and soon after, she’s delivered to the laundry room so that her tomboyishness can flat-line. But Jade sees a soap box and the laundry machine, and quickly she whips up another recipe for escape.

 

Close to the bay area, Lo Pei overhears a tourist guide mentioning the once-impenetrable prison of Alcatraz, also known among Nicholas Cage fans as “The Rock”. Lo Pei decides that Alcatraz should be a fine and dandy spot to conceal a talisman. He gets a Levitation Scroll ready and flies to the infamous ex-prison. Jackie Chan doesn’t take long to find Lo Pei. He’s been traveling across the S.F. streets asking anyone if they’ve seen an individual resembling the statue pic on the Daily Tribune. It’s not too surprising that news of a floating old man would spread rather quickly.

 

Back at Section 13, the agents keeping watch over the laundromat’s entrance suddenly see the whole room enveloped in clouds of suds. The excess of soapy water spills over the agents as Jade makes her retreat. (Important rule in Section 13: Never keep Jade anywhere near a water supply.)

 

Lo Pei blows a hole down a section of Alcatraz and quietly attempts to drop the Ox Talisman there. (On rubble? Unless he figures the rubble to be taken to a garbage dump, I don’t quite see the logic here.) Rushing in to stop Lo Pei is Jackie, who, ever the fan of going straight to the point, tells Lo Pei that the talismans must go back to Section 13 or else the Dark Hand will start picking them up like happy meal toys. Lo Pei ignorantly discredits the Dark Hand thing, demanding that he only intends to keep the talismans away from the Ultimate Evil (who, unluckily enough, isn’t specified here to Jackie). Jackie holds up a newspaper to explain Lo Pei’s just a statue come to life, but the warrior blows a mild energy scroll against Jackie, presuming the newspaper’s a magical scroll to be used against him. Seeing that he’s the only one going anywhere (to a wall, that is), Jackie then offers to play along with Lo Pei’s ambition, but the warrior already holds plenty of distrust in Jackie Chan, and pulls out more energy scrolls to burn Jackie to a crisp.

 

Jackie Chan vs. Lo Pei (*1/2)- Squash-type match where the warrior beats Jackie nice and easy, like eggs. At the same time, the Enforcers are aboard a chopper when the Seeking Device detects a talisman coming from Alcatraz. Finn wisely deducts that the Lo Pei statue has the talisman inside it, but he ultimately agrees with Chow and Ratso over the best strategy; zoom away and not tell about the deduction. Observing Jackie’s hassle with multiple green beams, the Enforcers conclude that it’s better to be safe than sorry. Soon as they leave, Jackie collapses down the interior of the prison before being tossed into a cell and locked up by the victorious Pei.

 

The Enforcers do point out that the Lo Pei statue is somehow alive. Ratso yet again lets his mouth loose, saying that the statue’s carrying the Rat Talisman. Finn and Chow do double elbow thrusts onto Ratso’s gut right before Shendu picks up steam. The Enforcers quickly defend their retreat by saying Lo Pei’s got exploding scroll magic, the kind that turns human beings into loaves of toast. Valmont coldly and aggravatingly retorts that the Enforcers can be toaster fodder whenever need be, but Shendu adds in that the Dark Hand can’t afford a reckless bout with the statue-turned-magical warrior, or else the talisman itself may be toast. Shendu then tells the Enforcers that they must meet Lo Pei in the guise of sacred guardians of the Ling Dynasty. Just in the nick of time, the Shadowkhan quickly appear before the Enforcers with a batch of Asian garbs at hand.

 

Lo Pei stops by the coast and walks up the stairs leading to the streets when a black, orange and blue blur zooms before him. Jade Chan gives a warm greeting, while Lo Pei, still busily finding ways to hide the talismans, gives her the cold shoulder. Jade then concedes that she’s made a big mess of things, and that she wants Lo Pei to go to Section 13 so that everything can be in balance. She raises her thumb up as a gesture that her offer be accepted. A mystified Lo Pei asks her what the thumb means, and Jade cheerfully replies that it means that they’re pals. Suddenly, the fine rapport is halted by Chow’s voice.

 

Chow, Ratso and Finn stand on the other side of the street, wearing the costumes like they’ve just left a big time Hollywood production (or, for that matter, a Chinese New Year‘s parade). Chow, actually doing okay without his trademark orange glasses, gets involved in some very funny dialogue.

 

Chow: She is the enemy, O great Lo Pei!

 

Lo Pei: You know my name?

 

Chow: Sure, we’re your homies.

 

Finn (whispering to Chow): Talk flowery, like Shendu said!?

 

Chow: I mean, sacred warriors from the Ling Dynasty come to help....as the dew helps the morning glory to blossom!

 

Finn: Yeah, that’s us.

 

Ratso: Oh yeah.

 

Jade immediately tries pointing out to Lo Pei that this is all a fib. Mr. Neurotica quickly adds in that being a warrior, the great emperor has advised him to help Lo Pei hide the rest of the talismans, seeing that there’s many of them in Lo Pei’s strap. Jade immediately lashes back at the lies, but then Finn convinces Lo Pei that Jade, being the niece of the attacker back at Alcatraz, would no doubt stand in the way of Lo Pei’s services. Lo Pei trusts the “sacred warriors” and pulls out the strap of gourds to hand it over. Jade is then restrained by Finn, and as she struggles, Lo Pei realizes no sacred warrior would harm a child, which means these three are no “sacred warriors”. Jade thinks she’s found the mark, but suddenly Tohru appears out of nowhere and hammers Lo Pei with a taxi cab. (A remarkable feat of strength....He should’ve used this against Chan.) Chow grabs the strap and everybody escapes by chopper, even Tohru. (Though I can’t understand how someone 600 pounds would’ve kept ahold of the rope ladder long enough to get in the chopper.)

 

Jade grabs a parchment next to the taxi cab and demands to innervate an energy scroll, but nothing comes out of it. Jade feels hopeless until “Levitation Scroll!” booms from under the cab, causing the vehicle to float off of Lo Pei. Lo Pei is amazed that he’s not wounded, but what’s got his nerve even more is that he has failed to protect the talismans. Jade quickly plays Ferguson to Lo Pei’s Rocky, saying that no way is the warrior going to back down so quickly, not so long as he’s got enough “Hoo-Ah!” in him. Lo Pei is a tad confused at “Hoo-Ah!”, but he slowly raises his thumb.

 

Jackie, somehow escaping the Alcatraz prison without breaking a sweat, runs in to keep Jade away from Lo Pei. Jade assures the Chan Man that she and Lo Pei are pals, and Lo Pei raises his thumb up in agreement. Jade regretfully breaks news that the talismans are in Dark Hand territory, but Lo Pei bellows that he has plenty of fight in him to smite the Dark Hand, shouting out, “Hoo-Ah!” Jackie wonders why all of a sudden the statue’s assimilating modern American pop culture; Jade shrugs and says, “It’s an ancient warrior thingy.” Moments afterward, Lo Pei stops in his tracks as he sees a baffling advertisement, one about a particular terra cotta statue.

 

At the chopper, Chow proudly declares to the vid-com that the Enforcers have got the talismans. Shendu notices no mention of the Rat Talisman. Finn reasons it’s not even in the warrior’s pockets, and Shendu blares out loud that Lo Pei is obviously holding the talisman inside of him. The Fire Demon foolishly commands the Enforcers to get the Rat Talisman or else it’s toasting time!

 

Thanks to the poster, Lo Pei finally recognizes that he is indeed a statue. Jade, rather sad that he has to find out, adds that he holds the Rat Talisman. Lo Pei quiets down in thought over his own existence, while Jade cheers on that statues are quite popular to the public.

 

Lo Pei w/Jackie Chan & Jade vs. The Enforcers, Tohru and the Shadowkhan (**3/4)- All of a sudden, the Enforcers zoom in on motorcycles while holding up electrical blades. In a complete loss of practicality, Chow is keeping the strap of talismans around him! (Why couldn’t he just leave the strap in the escape chopper where no one could get to them?) As if that’s not bad enough, Chow and his running buddies are still keeping those silly costumes on! (They really think cyclists look snappy in Ling Dynasty garbs? Please!) Lo Pei realizes they want the talisman inside of him, so he grabs an immobilizer scroll and freezes the three with a flick of the wrist and a boom of his voice. Tohru arrives and goes Bruce Lee as he whips up a nunchuku. The fancy pompadour fails to impress Lo Pei, who drives his two boots into the visage of the 600-pound sumo, knocking the big man cold. Lo Pei grabs the strap of talismans, and no sooner when he does this when the Shadowkhan appear, encircling him and the Chans. Lo Pei ultimately tells Jackie and Jade that they must go. Now that he is aware of what he really is, Lo Pei wants Jackie and Jade to leave with the talismans. He throws the strap to Jackie and wistfully says goodbye to a reluctantly retreating Jade. While Jackie and Jade hop aboard a conveniently placed jetski (don’t ask how it’s gotten there) and zoom off into the bay, Lo Pei staves off the Shadowkhan with his scroll magic. Sensing himself to be outnumbered, Lo Pei grabs the Rat Talisman from inside of him and throws it far off into the bay. Jade triumphantly catches the talisman from the Dark Hand, but sees a now-content Lo Pei remaining still as he returns to the terra cotta statue he has always been. Jade sheds a few tears from the loss of a neat friend.

 

At the San Francisco Museum, Jackie’s glad that the talismans are back where they should be and that the Lo Pei statue is in good shape. He suddenly is amazed that Lo Pei has made sure his good-bye would be a memorable one. Jade looks...and sees the statue has a thumb raised up! Jade raises her thumb and happily shouts, “Hoo-Ah!”

 

B

 

Another good show from JCA, though the story and the action aren’t quite on the brightest of things. Jade has a noticeably distinct look in this episode; it doesn’t resemble her cynical face from Season 1 nor does it resemble the cute doll face of Season 2. She looks a little more animesque here than elsewhere. Of course, it could be just my imagination....This episode follows the premise of “Tough Break” with the Rat Talisman in use and a being who thinks he’s got a purpose to follow but doesn’t know he’s not real. This episode does have more heart than “Tough Break”, but it also lacks more imagination and doesn’t quite branch out into many possibilities. Worth a look, but unless you’re a JCA fan, it may not be absolutely worth a repeat visit.

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 16…SNAKE HUNT- The Amazon rain forests are nothing quite forbidding for Jade Chan, even if it means scouting about in a dark cove said to be a temple to Culibra Gigante, a monster that makes the Anaconda look like kindergartener stuff in comparison. Jackie Chan, decked out in his jungle attire (dim-yellow suits and Ash Ketchum-style fingerless gloves), feels Jade once again is putting on a suicidal show, and of course his niece points the finger back at him for stifling her educational potential (and she may be right; at this point of time, she still thinks Italy’s capital is “Pizza”). Jackie reasons that it’s only an effort to stifle her potential for getting hurt. Knowing how perceptive Valmont is at finding these talismans, the Dark Hand will be in this cove within the hour and are bound to chase poor Jade all over again. And you think pirates chasing girls in Disneyland’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” seem offensive enough....

 

A couple of noises are echoing across the cave. Jackie backs Jade away to the cove’s only exit but faces not Dark Hands but a dim bulb. That bulb happens to be an uber-prideful archaeologist spouting out an amalgam of endeavors before a cameraman. This archaeologist is Wesley Rank, who must’ve tried learning the Australian accent by watching the most popular Aussie in current pop culture, Steve “Crocodile Hunter” Irwin. You can tell because later in the show he keeps calling out “Crikey” in several misshapen instances. But unlike Irwin, Rank is a rectangle-headed, needle-nosed, orange-haired archaeologist in the pursuit of mysterious artifacts and the remnants of civilization which harbor them. Rank does notice Jackie and Jade and immediately orders the cameraman to cut the taping and edit that in the future. He then asks the Chans what they are doing on the “set” of his apparent hit, “Just the Artifacts.” Jackie Chan humbly explains that he and his niece are merely lost but have just so happened to have found the exit. The Chan Man can not afford, after all, to let the real objective be made known to anyone else.

 

The Chans are making their departure from total embarrassment when Jackie collides face-to-gut with 600 pounds in demand of a few brain cells. That of course would be Tohru. The sumo grabs Jackie off his feet and demands, “The talisman!” Tohru reminds me of the biggest wrestlers in the WWE; they’re all horribly inarticulate. Anyways, Wesley Rank is mystified as he ponders to himself about a talisman. Jackie claims not to know anything, and of course the Enforcers reason he’s lying. Finn actually looks quite cool in his jungle garb. Ratso, being the kid of the group, looks like a boy scout..

 

Jackie Chan (Handicap) w/ Jade vs. The Dark Hand (***)- Are these guys ever booked a bad match? Jackie begins this one with a humongous monkey flip on Tohru. If only the WWE can do that. The Chan Man starts the fight off quite nicely using one of the Enforcers’ hats for a shield. Too bad the Enforcers are too hard-headed to make good use out of hard hats.... Rank’s cameraman (who you can tell by his clothes and accent is a real American) compliments Jackie’s kung fu efforts to Jade, who wistfully suggests that they should make an edutainment program called “Jackie Chan Can”. Jade’s so good at making these titles. Remember the “J-Team”? Rank immediately pushes Jade out of the way (and out of the subject). Standing alone, Jade suddenly notices a cave painting resembling a serpent shaping itself into a circle, but there’s also a shape resembling the Snake Talisman on its head. She hollers out the find to Jackie but he’s too busy explaining his innocence to the Dark Hand with his hands and feet, yet again hitting a monkey flip to send one Enforcer to another. Rank, he of the sharp-eared, tells the cameraman to get a close-up on the wall painting.

 

By this time, Tohru’s had it with trying to squash Jackie like he’s a cockroach on steroids. The sumo tears off a stalagmite like a branch off a tree and proceeds to get the home run swing to send Jackie out of the talisman game. Luckily, Jackie ducks out of the way just in time for Tohru to rattle the cave walls. The rattling then alerts a thousand red eyes across the darkest recesses of the cave. No, it does not appear to be Shendu’s grandchildren. They are vampire bats! (No, they’re not Hsi Wu’s grandchildren either). Not wanting to be blood donors for furry mammals, the Enforcers make haste to the exit and jump down a waterfall, only to of course meet the sharp-toothed denizens of the Amazon river. Their half-ton ally manages to make his way to the exit as well, but not before a swarm of bats cluster all over him, making him resemble a real Batman for a temporary moment. The match officially ends with the Dark Hand’s forfeit.

 

Being unafraid of bats (as if we already don’t know that), Jade tugs at Uncle Jackie to lead him where that cave painting is revealed, but as they approach to the locale, all that’s left of the painting is a series of smudges, as if the painting’s been removed. Jackie reasons that the Dark Hand have been too busy to even clumsily gack the painting like that.

 

Indeed, the truth is made known (at least to us) as Wesley Rank proudly boasts that he will remain the only being in the planet with the footage of such an ancient work of art. The cameraman takes a cheap shot saying that messing with primitive aesthetics is such a brilliant endeavor for an archaeologist. An irate Rank tells the cameraman to shut his trap.

 

By this point of time, the Chans have figured just who may hold the key to finding the Snake Talisman. Jackie’s called up Uncle back at the shop but reports no finding of talismans in a cave loaded with bats. Uncle points out that the Chans are supposed to be in a cave of snakes. He’s not the kind of man to seek for comfort. Jackie suggests to Jade that they should head over to Wesley Rank’s van to get a special “sneak preview”. Jackie’s kind of bad making these puns. He just lacks Jade’s edge. So it’s off to the van they go.

 

At some opposite end of the Amazon (hey, it’s a huge world out there), Finn is at a cell phone while Ratso and Chow cozy up by a fire and Tohru gets some vittles on the ready. The Irish-American Enforcer for once has anticipated the outcome of failure during the first day and thus is speaking to Valmont not through the patented Dark Hand phone carrying a video screen, but through your average cell phone with basic media purposes. This is one of several episodes that justify my Valmont/Jungle theory; Valmont is never seen or heard in an episode where the key setting is a jungle. Apparently, he hates having Italian shoes and green clothes messed up in the wilderness. Focus back to the episode, Finn spouts up a little story saying that the Dark Hand’s still stuck at the airport. He even takes a brazen cheap shot by explaining Tohru’s stubbornness over baggage arrangement is the reason for delay. Not one to take words lightly, Tohru pulls up Finn, who chuckles nervously to give the phone to the sumo. Tohru does a Valmont by telling his master to be “rest assured” that the talismans will be property Dark HandÔ and that Jackie Chan won’t come home in one piece. To add enforcement to his vow, Tohru hits a straight fist right through a nearby tree in a thunderous crash, which collapses right next to Chow and Ratso (who hug each other, Aww...) The most amazing thing about this segment is that Valmont never asks what exactly Tohru’s just broken over at the airport.

 

Over by Rank’s van is his tent. The Chans notice that Rank’s keeping the video tape tucked underneath his pillow and murmuring “Crikey” all over again as he sleeps only a few seconds later. Too much fanaticism for Steve Irwin, or what?

 

Not wanting to know what Rank must be sleeping about, Jackie and Jade practice a little method learned from a viewing of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”. Jade holds up Rank’s sleepy head just as Jackie removes the pillow under it. Jade does the carrying because making her pull the pillow is bound to send Rank out of the bed. Jackie doesn’t like techniques that make anyone knocked out cold. It makes a bad example for his wee little niece, is what it is. A mosquito makes his way through the tent and hovers over Rank’s nose in need of a midnight snack. Jackie handles the situation precariously by holding up the wings of the mosquito and driving him off to another direction. Heck, this show could’ve been PETA-friendly if not for the ingredients Uncle needs for his chi spells (dead geckos, anyone?).

 

With videocassette in hand, Jackie tip-toes towards the van while Jade nabs a chain of car keys by a desk. Jackie shows his ineptitude of even the 20th century by stepping near the van, which beeps audibly. Jade immediately presses a button next to the car keys to turn off the alarm and shows a look of scorn at Jackie‘s inexperience (which, by the way, seems to happen between any generation). Rank wakes up, a tad disturbed by the sound. He suddenly hears Jade chirping about, trying to fill in as a bird making noises instead of a car. Jade and Jackie quietly walk into the van. Rank smiles and lays his head down on the pillow, but then he frowns and raises his head back up. Is it because he no longer feels something hard and stiff under his pillow? Or maybe it’s because he wonders how many Amazon birds are actually nocturnal?

 

The Chans enter the van and pop a tape into the VCR. Actually, Jade does that. Jackie’s a poor sport for technology stuff, after all. From the screen emerges the image of the serpent painting and the Chans take one good look. That’s before Wesley Rank opens the van doors and sees the perpetrators, who make haste out of the way, gone in less than sixty seconds. The cameraman, popping up in PJs, yawns and says he’s heard a bird sounding like a car alarm. This guy’s SO funny. Rank regrets hiring this guy, but the cameraman will end up being much more than the archaeologist would imagine. Rank stares at the videotape still remaining in the van, and logically sums up that Jackie must be after something far more deeper than just a mere cave painting.

 

At the midst of forests, Jackie vocalizes his findings to his niece. If he wants his niece to stay out of these things, why does he always give away secrets to her? Anyway, Jackie says that the snake seems to be biting its own tail; hence, an ouroboros (which, by the way, is a popular symbol in Borneo, NOT the Amazon). He figures that this is a pictorial rendition of the phrase “The End is the Beginning,” which means the Snake Talisman is located close to the entrance of the cave. Jackie then advises Jade not to follow. After explaining his next how-to, why even bother?

 

Back to the cave of Culibra Gigante, Jackie ponders cautiously inside when he’s greeted by Jade close to the location of the snuffed-out cave painting. Jackie chides her, saying that he’s already posted a “don’t follow” warning to her head. Jade then counters by explaining that’s she’s gotten to the cave first, which means JACKIE is following this time around. Jade’s one of those reasons why lawyers make hundreds of disclaimers and still may not get away with it.

 

Jade fills her uncle in on the status of her finds. No entrance, no talisman, not yet. Jackie sifts a hand across the stone wall until his palm suddenly dips in what appears to be a button hidden on the wall. As the button sinks in, the wall gives way and forms a bevy of slab stairways to a dark, looming temple. At this rate, you wonder how come the ancient Amazonians can do this kind of stuff and why computer-crazed people of today are totally clueless about it. Jackie and Jade enter.

 

This is the towering temple of Culibra Gigante. Jade’s certain because up above on the ceiling is an even larger emblem of a snake, and at its eye is encased the Snake Talisman. This temple is most peculiar since it carries what appears to be a multitude of vines hanging everywhere. How are vines growing in a realm secluded completely from sunlight?

 

Jackie doesn’t know, but to evade the Dark Hand it’s best that he not care. He hops from level to level and swings about on the vines. Kind of like George of the Jungle, except Jackie has no tree to crash into but he does have stone walls. That’s when Jade discovers those aren’t vines growing about on the ceiling; those are emerald-green snakes, some of whom are mysteriously hanging up on the ceiling by their fangs. What kind of snake exactly does that? Jackie yelps as he swings from snake to snake, many of them wanting to take a bite out of him for yanking at their tales. The snakes succeed in biting air or their very own tales. The people at PETA are frowning right about now....

 

Defying gravity as effortlessly as Peter Parker, the Chan Man grasps across the stone layers leading up to the emblem at the ceiling. Pulling out the always convenient set of pliers, Jackie then pries at the hexagonal talisman until it pops off its sealing hole. The entire temple suddenly shakes violently following Jackie’s retrieval of the talisman. Jackie throws the artifact towards Jade’s wee hand. Whether the Jadester could’ve caught it or not is unanswered because here comes Wesley Rank, who, being several feet taller, catches the talisman first. Exactly who’s invited him? Without haste, Rank meets towards the cameraman, or the lens of the camera, and explains how he has miraculously found an ancient Snake Talisman. Jade spoils the shot up a mite by screaming “Liar! Liar!” and banging her fists over Rank’s knee. Rank shows his lack of endurance by yelling to Jade, “Ow! That hurt!” He then cues toward the cameraman to edit her cameo out. Rank then proceeds to continue on with his 15 minutes of fame but the moving temple rumbles like it’s complaining at him. Rank, Jade, and the cameraman discover that the floor beneath them is sinking ever lower. Poor Jackie meanwhile is spinning around like crazy as he hangs for dear life on the emblem, but he quickly drops down using a real vine to lower himself down.

 

Rank and the cameraman move elsewhere to wrap the show up. Rank holds the talisman and thanks the audiences for watching this edition of “Just the Artifacts”. He waltzes his way off into the misty exit of the cave, or so he thinks. He suddenly pops back right in front of the lens with eyes saucer wide and mouth screaming like a child. Before the cameraman can open his own mouth to ask what’s the gist, from the mists appear the most gigantic serpent to roam across all four corners of the globe. Jade gulps and presumes that this is the awakened Culibra Gigante. The giant serpent lurches towards the humanoids for its month’s worth of eating. One must wonder what exactly a Culibra Gigante must eat in order to fulfill its appetite, especially for one living in a cave opened up by someone taking off a Snake Talisman after how many centuries......?

 

Jackie Chan vs. Culibra Gigante (**3/4)- Jackie figures that the reason for its aggression is that Rank is holding the Snake Talisman and is primarily targeting him. Rank’s a helpless lug and has tossed the talisman to Jackie’s hands for safekeeping, at least for his life. Latching onto Culibra’s giant heart-shaped noggin, Jackie does a little bronco busting as the snake violently slithers and squirms the human passenger off of him. It wants to be praised, after all, not be made inferior to human subjects. Jackie does manage to hoist Jade on for the ride, but not for long. The Chans lose control of the serpent and are sent off. Jade manages to be thrown to a higher level, where she can hoist some vines down for the others to escape. Jackie crashes his head right into an animal skull and for the moment looks like a human onyx, or whatever that animal's supposed to be (does THAT exist in the Amazon?). The cameraman clicks on the flashlight peripheral in his ever-loyal camera and Mr. Rank cries out what exactly is his employee doing to make this a suicide show. The cameraman patiently tells Rank that he’s trying to blind the snake because even after being ballooned a hundred times over, it still lacks eyelids. This cameraman’s a sharp tool in the shed. The blinding light hypnotizes the snake and leaves him motioning like a statue. Jade and Rank climb up some real vines to higher ground while the cameraman continues to blind Culibra Gigante, allowing Jackie the leeway to leave the big and scaly. Rank holds up a vine and Jackie asks him to give the vine. Rank tells the Chan Man to throw him the Snake Talisman in return. Jackie throws the talisman. Rank pulls off a Diego and leaves for the exit. For gosh sakes, Jackie, you’ve pulled an Indy on Rank earlier in the show. How can you fall for the Diego if you must’ve seen “Raiders of the Lost Ark”? Jade is given the duty to drop the vine down for the two men in distress. Taking Rank’s betrayal like it’s no surprise, the cool, collected cameraman chuckles as he takes out the video tape and leaves the camera on a spot for it to continue blinding Culibra Gigante. He and Jackie depart the temple.

 

Unlike Diego, Rank doesn’t go face to spears with a deadly Amazonian trap. This show’s rated TV-Y7-FV, so human shish kabob isn’t on the menu. Instead, Rank goes face to gut with 600 pounds still in need of a few brain cells, and a couple of mic skills. That of course would be Tohru. Ever noticed that nobody ever tries to say a decent hello anywhere in the story? Tohru intimidates Rank with his portly build and bellows, “The talisman!” once again. Why does Tohru always wait for the talisman to be given to him instead of pummeling his enemies to kibble and walking off with the spoils?

 

Meanwhile, the other “bit” members of the Dark Hand arrive back in the cave. Finn says they better not meet and greet the flying monkeys again. Chow prefers to call them flying rats. Well, in case you’re an aficionado of animals, you would say Finn actually takes the cake because he’s kind of right. Bats are cousins to monkeys, but in no shape or form actually bear the bodies of rats. This just goes to show why the demon many fans could really relate to is the Sky Demon Hsi Wu. This also shows that Finn hasn’t spent the majority of his time swilling on some alcohol.

 

Back to the SHOW....the camera tips over the rocks it’s been laid down upon, and thus the light no longer shines over Culibra Gigante’s eyes. Removed from the trance, the beast angrily lunges up towards the exit of the temple, but ignores the Chans and the cameraman.

 

Jackie Chan w/ Jade vs. Culibra Gigante vs. Tohru vs. Wesley Rank [4-Way Dance?] (NR)- The Enforcers quietly murmur in front of Tohru that they’d rather take the bats. Tohru turns around and meets Culibra Gigante’s jaw, just barely preventing the dastardly set from taking a pound (or a hundred) off him. “Hello” and “Hi” are so missing from this story. Wesley’s got the talisman again and this time he goes face to gut with a stern Jackie, arms akimbo in dismay. Wesley helplessly bestows the talisman to him. Soon enough, Tohru and Culibra lock up and toss and turn, until Culibra, seeing Jackie this time around with its precious hexagon, slams his jaw and Tohru spine-first, missing an evasive Jackie and going right onto a natural column in the cave. The cave rumbles. The Enforcers know what that means. The Enforcers immediately scream as the vampire bats come back to take some withdrawals off the visiting blood bank! Jackie runs for cover but he smacks into Wesley Rank, who seems to pull up the Chan Man and right his clothes. Jackie demands Rank about what he’s doing. He refuses to be called gay, you know. Rank stutters that he just wants to apologize for all the havoc between them. Jackie shakes it off and just runs as the bats come his way. So does Rank. Jackie runs out of the cave and to its side, where Jade and the cameraman have gone to. Rank goes down the drink as do the Enforcers. Tohru, running off from Culibra, hits a high-impact cannonball splash to the waters, where the Enforcers immediately swim away from. Apparently afraid of going outside its cave, Culibra in fact slithers back inside its cave. Unbelievable that many giant monsters in fiction seem to have caves and never want to leave from them.... Rank hears a series of chomps and realizes they’re directed at him. The Aussie flees from the (still) unseen swarm of piranhas as he disappears for the remainder of the show.

 

Jackie and Jade stand by the Amazon alone when Jackie discovers that his mission isn’t completed; the Snake Talisman is gone! Jackie swears he has kept the trinket in his pocket, so in cues the requisite memory cloud. Jackie then realizes that when he’s bumped into Rank, the Aussie must’ve snatched the talisman while seemingly cleaning up Jackie’s clothes. Got to give credit to Rank; the Enforcers have failed where he has succeeded.

 

We’re back at Tong Yan Gai, or Chinatown, as the Western folks often call it. Amazingly, Jackie and Jade watch the failure of their Amazonian endeavors in a television set at their home of Uncle’s Rare Finds. Uncle is nowhere to be seen and could’ve slapped “the goat” a hundred times over. There are several choice reasons to explain this.

 

1. Uncle’s gone shopping.

 

2. Jade’s concocted an amnesia potion in the tea.

 

3. Jackie presses his fingers on Uncle’s shoulder to stun him. He then says, “Sorry, Confucius”.

 

4. Failed dates have mentally tormented the old man.

 

Back to the SHOW....Wesley Rank is at the screen explaining how he’s trekked across dangerous territory to receive the Snake Talisman. Suddenly, Jade appears and begins banging on Rank’s knee. The Chans gasp in wonder at the poor editing process. Rank favors the knee and yells, “Ow, that hurt!” right before the next sequence shows him screaming out of a cavern. The clips are minimized and out pops the host of the show. But wait, it’s Rank’s cameraman, decked out in archaeological costuming of his own! The cameraman makes another cheap shot right on television, saying, “Rank may not know how to treat little girls, but he sure knows how to scream like one!” Jade’s clearly having a good time. The cameraman, now known here as Dino Stephenson, announces that he is the new host of “Just the Artifacts” and even explains how he has sent Rank’s reputation down the drain. It appears that Rank has sold the Snake Talisman to a local pawn shop, but Dino manages to expose Rank’s dirty double dealing and then some using his camera. The Snake Talisman is now preserved at the New York Museum.

 

Jackie sighs, in relief that at least he now knows where to get the Snake Talisman. Jade says that it’s back to the jungle they go, the concrete jungle, to get a talisman. That, and add a likely girlfriend.....

 

B

 

Good, slightly flawed prequel to “Enter the Viper”. Maybe next time, they should do a prequel explaining how a Tiger Talisman gets stuck in a cherry pie. Not too memorable an episode, but for what it is it scores plenty of fun.

 

*  *  *

 

Episode 17…THE MOTHER OF ALL BATTLES-For the first time, we see Uncle’s Rare Finds under a rainstorm. (Trivia; this may be the only episode that has this scene.) A gloomy Tohru, no longer bound by the Dark Hand, serves Uncle and Jackie tea. Uncle is cranky, for Tohru has taken forever to prepare it. Uncle gets ever crankier when there’s only boiled water in the kettle!!! Jade then reasons that something’s up with Tohru, so the T-Man quietly explains. The sumo’s mother is coming to visit here in San Francisco, specifically to a convention to meet her favorite music group, Kare Noke and the Yodelling Kabukis (You’ve got to love that phrase). Most importantly, though, Tohru fears he hasn’t lived up to his mother’s expectations, and that once again, he’ll be the black sheep in the family. Just as he says this, his mother arrives at the door of the shop.

 

Mama Tohru, my personal name for this character, is short, loud, and cranky, the exact opposite of her giant son. Tohru gently greets her as any son would. Meanwhile, Uncle and Jackie are surprised that Tohru still has a mother. (I wonder why…Is Tohru too old to have a mother or something?) Mama Tohru doesn’t make a good impression on anyone. She constantly derides her son for living in a junk shop, and this also is a pang on Uncle’s pride. Uncle especially isn’t comfortable with Mama Tohru, largely due to her calling him "billy goat" or "junk monger", among other names. Next thing we know, the Word World War is on, as the Chinese Uncle and the Japanese Mama Tohru begin attacking each other with an arsenal of put-downs sounding all the more sillier because of their clipped English. Neither Jackie or Jade is comfortable, but nobody has his/her confidence shaken worse than Tohru. In fact, Mama Tohru believes Valmont has given the sumo a very prosperous life, and to say Valmont’s a crook would truly disgrace the Tohru family name. Jackie, Uncle, and Jade decide not to reveal this to Mama Tohru, but even then, she still thinks her son has gone many steps down the ladder of success in becoming a servant in the junk shop.

 

Moments later, Tohru takes his mother to her apartment. He carries her bags and an umbrella for her, not even caring how much rain is pouring over him. Mama Tohru then complains she is disgraced such a big boy like him doesn’t own a car. (Hey, Jackie doesn’t own a car, either…right? Never mind…)

 

Though his mother is safe and sound in the apartment, Tohru is SO gloomy that he goes to a sushi bar, and being told almost all the foods have fish, buys miso soup instead. (Trivia: what is miso soup? Tajeri Lynn will tell you. Miso soup is a soup containing a mixture of grinded soybeans, often served with seaweed in the mix. If there’s one thing more common in the Japanese diet than fish, it’s soybeans.) Tohru hears a couple of men behind him joke at Tohru as being a mama’s boy and a traitor to the Dark Hand. The sumo gets mad.

 

Tohru vs. The Yokanawas (NR)- Oops, this doesn’t actually happen. He’s about to turn the gangsters into pulp when the miso soup is ready to eat. Tohru sips the soup like a cup of tea, and mildly walks off.

 

As Tohru makes his way back home (without an umbrella; yup, he’s still that gloomy), a limo arrives, with Big Boss Yokanawa inviting him inside. It turns out that Big Boss Yokanawa owns the sushi bar (why do mobsters always own restaurants pertaining to their culture?), and he also knows Tohru doesn’t want to live under the somewhat downtrodden life. Tohru likes fancy grape soda and aspires to own a car, whatever it takes to make mommy proud. Yokanawa then gives Tohru an offer; he wants the T-Man to help his gang steal the Kyoto Octopus, a dazzling assemblage of jewels and gold being displayed at an upcoming convention, which so happens to be the one Mama Tohru wants to attend. Tohru doesn’t want to resort back to the criminal lifestyle again, so he departs.

 

Meanwhile, back at the shop, Mama Tohru and Uncle continue to talk trash at each other, wondering where Tohru may be.

 

Jackie has a call from Captain Black. Black is entrusting Jackie to play a cop to guard the Kyoto Octopus from the Yokanawa crime family. Jackie’s confused about why he should protect a fish, but of course, octopuses are mollusks and the Kyoto Octopus is a treasure. Clearing up the naiveté, Jackie takes the duty. (This is one of those rare times that Jackie deliberately and willfully plays the crimefighter.)

 

Not wishing to play referee in the Word World War, Jackie leaves Uncle and Mama Tohru the best of luck as he gets ready to guard the treasure. Tohru hears Jackie as he goes back, but instead of going inside the shop, Tohru heads over to the Yokanawas, ready to help steal the Kyoto Octopus so he can be bestowed a huge return on investment. The gang doesn’t trust Tohru that well, considering he has turned back on Valmont in the past. Luckily, Tohru proves he’s on their side by revealing that Jackie Chan’s playing a boy in blue to protect the Octopus, and that he knows how to turn against the Chan Man. Big Boss agrees, and expects Tohru to make sure Chan won’t ever mess with the bad side again.

 

At the convention, Jackie (looking sharp as ever in police garb) is backstage, keeping guard over the many exotic wares imported from the Asian countries. Jade’s around too, riding on an electrical scooter, apparently one she could legally drive with around California. Jackie tells her to calm down or else they’ll get a batch o’ zeroes in their next bill. Suddenly, gas canisters fly into the room, and Jackie tells Jade to go now, as he prepares to fight the perpetrators.

 

Jackie Chan [Handicap] vs. Tohru and The Yokanawas (****1/2)- Here we go. Tohru is pasted with a truly mean and menacing mug. Now he’s ready to…wait a minute…he turns against the Yokanawas! This means…

 

Jackie Chan & Tohru [Handicap] vs. The Yokanawas (****1/2)- There! NOW here we go. Whoa, wait a minute. If Tohru’s got the strength of 3 men, maybe this means…

 

Jackie Chan & Tohru vs. The Yokanawas [Handicap] (****1/2)- Come on. We all know THEY’VE got the Handicap disadvantage here. The Yokanawas are no match as they crash into Tohru, leaving him unfazed this way and that like a safety balloon. Several weapons come into play in the brawl, including a gong and a sound speaker. After many hilarious confrontations, Jackie and Tohru make quick work out of the foolish Yokanawas. It’s no doubt that Tohru has set up the crime gang all along, with the intention of being someone his mother could be proud of! Unfortunately, the Kyoto Octopus has disappeared from its display case, and in comes Big Boss Yokanawa, who cheats with a knock-out gas canister that sends Jackie and Tohru crumpling. So much for the strength of 3 men there, and making mommy proud…

 

Jackie and Tohru find themselves in the kitchen of the sushi bar, suspended right above a tank carrying a great white shark! Big Boss Yokanawa is in glee as he plays around with a yo-yo (that’s a neat little surprise there) and tells Tohru how much the sumo should regret ever playing double-cross on the Yokanawas.

 

However, the Yokanawas don’t have their hands on the Kyoto Octopus. Suspecting that Jackie’s relations must’ve gotten away with the Octopus, the gang calls Uncle’s shop and tells the elder Chan to bring the Octopus by himself and over to the back door of the bar, or else Jackie and Tohru will be shark bait.

 

Uncle is willing to give the Octopus to the gang, but tells Mama Tohru that he doesn’t have the treasure. In comes Jade, who has run away with the Kyoto Octopus during the previous fight. Uncle and Mama Tohru begin arguing over who should go to the sushi bar; after all, both their younger relatives’ lives hang in the balance. About the only thing they can agree with is that Jade should better not come with them. The old and odd couple walks off, leaving Jade to watch over the shop. Jade doesn’t stay long, though, as she makes an abrupt close on the shop before following the elders.

 

The duo of Uncle and Mama Tohru come to the front door of the sushi bar. The Yokanawas aren’t quite happy that instructions have been disobeyed. Uncle and Mama Tohru begin laying the blame at each other. (If you want to know what a cranky old Hak Foo sounds like, listen to these two! They go at it by deriding each other as animals with lots of hideous abnormalities. Then again, they do both look like animals…I’d say orangutan and billy goat. I leave you to figure out who is which.) With the argument going nowhere, a PO’ed Big Boss Yokanawa demands them to place the Kyoto Octopus on the counter. Uncle does, and wants Jackie and Tohru to be released from the shark’s way. But hard of hearing, the Yokanawas rev up their fists and feet, ready for battle. Fortunately, so do Uncle and Mama Tohru.

 

Jackie Chan, Tohru, Mama Tohru, Uncle & Jade vs. The Yokanawas and a Shark (****1/2)- This Wargames-style set-piece goes so many different places, it’s hard to just write about it! Uncle and Mama Tohru are surprisingly adept for old-timers, showing the younger generation that you could take the age out of the muscle, but not the muscle out of the age. Tohru and Jackie meanwhile struggle with the chains, and Big Boss Yokanawa whips up his yo-yo to have the chains lowered to the tank. Jade arrives to provide trouble for the Big Boss, but she’s no match and the head honcho cuts the chain in haste. Jackie and Tohru trap the Shark with the chains, and both are able to swim away. (Wow…Tohru can actually swim…And I can’t?) By that time, the babyfaces (luchadore language for "good guys") are back on board. The Yokanawa henchmen fall down and the heroes are left standing. But it’s not over, yet. Big Boss has gone out of the restaurant with the Kyoto Octopus, or has he? He accidentally blows his cover by dropping his yo-yo nearby a huge canister. In due time, an outnumbered Big Boss Yokanawa is stopped with a yo-yo trick from none other than the Chan Man himself.

 

With the Kyoto Octopus secured and the Yokanawas on a one-way road to jail, everyone can relax. Tohru humbly begs forgiveness from his mother for putting her in the midst of danger. But Mama Tohru assuages him with pride, saying she is grateful that Tohru has great friends like Jackie, Jade, and Uncle to help him around. Of course, she doesn’t call Uncle "Uncle", so the elder Chan gets mad, and winds himself up for one more duel. Mama Tohru winds herself up in kind and faces Uncle.

 

Uncle vs. Mama Tohru [special guest referee: Jackie Chan] (NR)- We almost get to see this kitchen brawl occur, but the 20 or so minutes are up, and the show’s got to close. Jade and Tohru merrily go off to the convention by the end. Surely the music of Kare Noke and the Yodelling Kabukis sounds better than the cacophony of crashing plates anyday…

 

A+

 

"The Mother of All Battles" is JCA’s first official episode set in the Season 2 story arc, and it’s one of my favorite episodes of them all. The scene-stealers here are Uncle and Mama Tohru; their arguments here are the roads to a comic gold mine. Tohru fans will find this one a great source of his charm as a hero. Jade and Jackie are just fine. The Yokanawas are perhaps the least-appreciated characters here, maybe because they resemble the always infamous Yakuza. Ah, well, I kind of enjoy them. This episode should be considered more on the level of a character dramedy than a highly charged martial arts romp, but it still doesn’t suck one bit. It’s the kind of episode that makes for peculiar conversation material after you finish watching it.