| Hicks and Rednecks |
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| I'd like to start this little page out with an excellent quote from an equally excellent movie entitled "SLC Punk!" |
| "I am not a fucking hick! 1. I don't wear cowboy boots. 2. I hate the fucking rodeo 3. Horses smell like shit to me 4. I don't fuck anyone in my own bloodline. By definition I'm not a redneck and goddamnit, I'm not a hick!" ~Stevo |
| My Reasoning: |
| So, now that I've illustrated to you my general distaste for those bronc-bustin', tobaccy chewin', shit kickin', grammer slaughterin', cow rustlers it's time to give you the reasons why. Now, bear in mind that there are some who, while they fit the general discription above, are okay individuals and a few of such said individuals are actually likable. However, they are not who I'm talking about here. |
| Reason #1: Attitude. Many cowboys whom I have come in contact with in the past have lead me to believe that they are superior human beings due to the fact that they can ride horses, spit tobacco, and stuff their man-junk into unimaginably tight pants. This is not the case in any way. I can ride a horse, so it can't be that difficult. I know quite a few people who are able to expectorate, and there are numerous people in this world who are able to wear their pants so tight that their man-bulge has to choose which pocket it likes to be closest to. |
| Reason #2: Rodeo. The Rodeo is probably the most useless activity known to man. Bronco bustin'? More like ball bustin'! Good Christ! Is it not enough that you cut off all circulation due to the lack of head-room in your pants but you have to choose and extracurricular activity which further damages your equipment?! What the hell are you thinking?! This is you: "Hmm, I don't think that this will be useful to me in the future. Let me abuse it in the most heinous way possible. Ouch! That hurts! Oh well, it's worth it in the long run. People will respect me because I can tame wild beasts! I'm like the Beastmaster in Wranglers!" |
| Reason #3: Country Western Music. Country Western music is the most horrid form of torture known to man. Twangy instruments accompanied by equally twangy vocals which I can liken only to fingernails on a chalkboard. Not only is the music annoying, and the vocal accompaniment annoying, but the themes are also the most horrid, unimaginative subjects I've ever come across in my 17 (nearly 18) years of life. I am referring to such subjects as putting a hole in a wall big enough to drive a truck through, drinking your problems away on a beach in Mexico, or getting your hands on cute little cowgirls by the name of Loretta or Shania. Christ on a cracker! |
| Reason #4: Dress The dress of cowboys is quite puzzling to me. I cannot for the life of me decide why it is so attractive to them. Hot, button-up shirts with nauseating patterns and gaudy buttons do nothing for me. Skin-tight pants of various colors and with multiple pocket designs make my head swim. Hats large enough to bathe small dogs in are also a puzzlement to me. Last but not least there is the bolo tie, which is, in all actual fact, not really a tie. Then there are those cowboys who wear t-shirts saying that they'll kick people's asses, and wear hats that look like you shoved them in a horse's anus, dusted them off and plopped them on your head. Disgraceful. |