How To Turn A 7-11 Employee's Work Life Into A Living Hell

1. If the condoms are accessable to you, use a needle and poke holes in all of them.
2. Take Ex-Lax and put it in the donuts, cookies, ice cream, coffee 
machine, cashier's soda, etc.

3. Take one bite out of each of the cookies and donuts.

4. Mix all of the items in the condiments bar together to form a big, 
yucky salad. Be sure to spill items all over each other and on the floor.

5. Use a razor blade to make a slit in each one of the cartons of milk. 
This will start a very small drip-leak but when a customer picks up the 
milk it should spill pretty good. This makes a good mess inside AND 
outside of the cooler. Really a bitch to clean up.

6. Paint the front sidewalk in pychedelic colors.

7. Bring a ton of items up to the counter. After the cashier rings 
everything up and asks for your $34.75, tell him you changed your 
mind and walk out, leaving everything on the counter.

8. Most of the more popular stores have a toll-free customer hotline 
for customers to call in and complain or make suggestions. Find this 
number (usually written on the outside window) and call it once a day 
to complain about an employee you don't like.

9. Put a full pot of coffee under the coffee spout. Then press the 
button that starts the coffee maker. This will overflow the pot and 
create a tremendous mess.

10.Jam the handle on the Slurpee/Slushie/Whatever machine so that the 
mush keeps on flowing after you leave. Watch the cashier cry when he 
finds it.

11.Ask for $600 in money orders and twenty lotto tickets. After the cashier 
prints up the money orders and lotto tickets, leave. It's a real bitch to 
void out money orders and lotto.

12.Sit your fountain drink on top of a video game. There's usually some 
vents on top of the game so whoops! Accidentally knock your drink over 
so the entire 44 ounces of Pepsi spill into these vents. This makes for 
some pretty neat-o smoking effects as well as sparks and fire. Make 
sure that it's not a cool game that you play often because you won't 
be playing it anymore.

13.Fill up a Super Tanker Gigantic drink cup with Pepsi. Take it all around 
the store with you spilling it's contents all over the items on the shelves 
as you go along. You can imagine what it'd be like to clean this up.

14.On a really hot day, get on the roof and turn off the air conditioning. 
If possible, make sure that the air conditioners will never work again. Be 
extremely quiet when walking around up there so mister cashier doesn't 
hear you.

15.Telephone the cashier and start asking him questions about robberies like: 
* "Do you have one of those silent alarm buttons you could press if I were 
to rob you?"

* "Do the police in your neighborhood respond quickly when something 
bad happens in your store?"

* "How many times has your store been robbed? Was the robber caught?"

* "Theoreticly speaking, if a professional robber such as myself were to come 
in and rob you, what are the chances of me getting caught?"

* "Do you carry a loaded gun behind the counter?"

* "How much money is in your cash drawer right now? That's all? Uhhh, could 
you please not drop anymore in the safe until I get there? I, uh, 
need to cash a check, yeah, that's it."

* "Are you afraid of death?"

16.Order a telephone calling card for the store and obtain the pin number. 
Using the card, make tons of harrassing calls to the store until the card goes dead. 
When they get their bill, they realize that they've been paying for their own harrassment.

17.Find out the store manager's name or the store owner's name. From a pay phone 
call your friends in Austraila and third number bill it to the store, saying 
that you're the manager. The cashier will accept the charges when he 
thinks it's the manager. 

18.Order call forwarding for the store. Ask the cashier if you can use the 
phone and dial 72#-911 or *72-911. When 911 answers, tell them you got the 
wrong number and hang up. Now go out to a pay phone and call the store and 
you'll get 911. Make up some big story about how you're getting robbed and 
they've thrown you in the cooler and taken customers hostage, etc. If 911 
calls back to verify this, they'll get their own office, 911.

19.Start picking up items around the store and dropping them in the trash can.

Going Where You're Not Supposed To

20.Go in the walk-in freezer with a friend. Veg out on the beer cases and get 
drunk off your asses. You can usually keep a good eye on the cashier through the 
window but after a few beers you stop caring about him.

21.Find the back room and look for a few five foot tall cylinder things. These 
are called CO2 tanks which is what gives the fountain sodas their fizz. 
Locate the one hooked up to a hose and turn it off. Everyone's soda will 
taste pretty damn gross now.

22.Take it one step further by disconnecting all of the soda tanks. It'll take 
the poor cashier an hour to figure out why there's no soda, and another hour 
to hook 'em all back up and figure out which hose goes to which tank.

23.If there's not a public restroom then there's definately an employee rest- room 
in the back someplace. Go in there and the employees will sometimes keep 
their personal belongings lying around. Steal it all and then phone the cashier, 
demanding a ransom for his stuff.

24.Look for the employee schedule and time sheet hanging somewhere on 
the wall. Steal the shedule so you'll know who's working for the rest of the 
week. Flush the time sheet down the toilet so the manager won't know who worked 
when all week and nobody'll get paid.

25.Instead of flushing the time sheet, find an employee on it that you're not 
too fond of and add a few hours here and there on his time card. The manager 
will most likely notice this and either think the employee is trying to cheat 
for more hours or think that another employee is trying to get him in trouble. 
If the manager DOESN'T notice, that guy's going to have a nice, hefty paycheck 
next week.

26.Find the manager's office. It's probably locked but most can be opened with 
the credit card method. Once in the manager's office, loot. Have your friend watch 
the security monitor so you'll know if the cashier's comming, while you look 
for things you want to take. The computer is a nice start. If that's too big, 
how about the modem. You can steal the employee files and then freak them 
out by calling them and reciting information to them. Also, security video 
tapes would be kind of neat to have. In the more modern stores, the cash 
register is linked with the computer in the office. Sometimes the register won't 
work without the computer being turned on so unplug the computer and take the cord 
home with you. Pretty soon the cashier will be using a pocket calculator and a 
shoebox to ring up the merchandise.

27.The main phone wires are usually somewhere in the back room. You can slow 
the cashier down quite a bit by disconnecting them all. Don't just unhook them, 
though. Cut all of them down that you can find and take them with you so 
there's little chance of them being fixed anytime soon. What does this accomplish? 
Well, the Lotto machine will stop working soon after losing it's phone line. 
No more checks, credit cards, ATM cards, gas cards because the credit validation 
machines can't call in to get approval. Believe me, I know that this is 
frustrating. Worse thing is, when he starts having all of these problems, he can't 
call anyone for help because his phone doesn't work anymore. To make it even 
more pathetic, put the outside pay phones out of commission so he doesn't 
have a chance.

28.The back rooms are filled with stock that won't fit out on the sales floor. 
Since there usually aren't any cameras in the back room, this is your chance 
for fearless shoplifting! Bring a large bag...

29.The gas pump controls should be lurking about somewhere. Take a look at all 
the buttons and figure out for yourself which ones would be most disaterous to 
shut off. There's usually serveral shut off switches so shut them ALL off. 
The cashier will spend a great deal of his life staring at the banks of switches 
trying to figure out how to turn them back on.

30.Find the circuit breaker boxes. They'll always be unlocked. Find the main 
switches on all of them and shut them all off at once, cutting the power to 
the whole store. Since it's dark, you'll be able to slip back out onto the 
sales floor without being spotted. The cashier will probably assume it's a 
normal power outage. This is a perfect time for shoplifting.

Gas Stations

31.If it's a self-service station, the cashier hears an annoying BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP... 
when you lift the gas nozzle and push the lever up. The cashier is supposed to 
look outside, take note of the car and the driver, then hit the Validate button 
so you can get your gas. Walk up to a pump, out of the cashier's view, hide behind 
the pump and push the lever up. The cashier will go nuts trying to figure out 
why the console's beeping if there's no car out there. Go from pump to pump 
doing this until the cashier comes out to say, "Hey...cut that out."

32.Okay, this is a good one I've always wanted to try. Go to one of those personalized 
license plate booths in the mall. You know, the one's where you make a plate 
ILUVYOU for your girlfriend to hang in her room. Find out what the cashier's 
license plate number is or, failing that, find out what his mother's license 
plate number is. Attach this plate to the front of your car and pull in to get some gas. 
Make sure the cashier can see your license plate very clearly. Fill up your tank 
with Super Unleaded. Make sure the cashier is watching, get in your car and 
slowly back out of the parking lot, giving the cashier's reflexes time 
to kick in so he can find a pen and write down your license plate number. 
Have a friend hang around the store to watch the fun next. See, if the cashier 
doesn't get a plate number, then he's in a lot of trouble. When someone gets 
gas and doesn't pay for it, the cashier has to call the police and fill out a 
report and everything so he doesn't get a disciplinary write up. The cop will 
want to know the make of car, the plate number and a description of who was 
driving. (A good idea is to wear a cap and glasses, not that a cop is any 
real threat.) When the cop runs the plate number through he's going to come 
up with the cashier's name (or his mom's) and we're all in for a lot of confusion 
and fun. I have no idea what the outcome would be.

33.At full service station, pull up to the pump and make sure your gas tank is 
on the opposite side as the gas pump so the gas attendant has to manage to get the 
hose on the other side. If he says you have to turn your car around say, "Aw, 
it'll reach, I promise."

34.Also at full service, if you're needing unleaded gasoline, pull up so your gas 
tank is about four feet past the unleaded pump. Tell the gas attendant you 
want five bucks unleaded and go inside. This is a pain in the hiney for the 
gas attendant because he's so far away from the pump that he can't see 
when he's up to five bucks. Usually they end up pumping a little, running 
over to the pump to see how much left to go, running back and pumping a little 
more, running back to check again, etc, etc...Piss him off more by saying, 
"Hurry it up a little, willya?"

35.Most every gas pump I've seen can be locked with a normal padlock. Go in the 
store and shoplift as many Master padlocks as you need. Bring them out- side 
and lock up each one of the pumps. Since the average gas station doesn't have a 
pair of bolt cutters on the premises, nobody will be getting gas for the rest of 
the night.

36.Gas stations have to take daily gas readings by sticking a really long pole 
into the the ground where the big underground tanks are located. You can find these 
poles somewhere around the outside of the building or by the dumpster and there's 
usually several of them. Take them all and the station won't be able to take the 
daily readings anymore.

37.Get in your car and drive a few blocks from the store. Floor it towards the store 
and try to get up to 90 M.P.H. by the time you hit the parking lot. Smash directly 
into a gas pump, blowing up the pump, the car and killing yourself. Try 
to enter the parking lot at the right angle so after you smash through the pump 
you'll crash through the store's front window and into the cashier, killing him 
too.

38.Pick up the gas pump nozzle, squeeze it and hold a match in front of it to create 
a flame thrower. Burn all of the nearby customers to a crisp and try to set the 
store on fire before the cashier hits the Emergency ShutOff switch. (Can you 
tell I'm running out of ideas?)

Serving Graveyard Shift

39.First order of business. Try to think of the most creative way to destroy your 
manager's checklist. Make it a point not to do ANYthing on the list. If you do, 
you'll get no praise for it. If you don't, you'll be doing just exactly what's 
expected of you. Nothing. If you lose your job, oh well. There's a million other 
7-Elevens out there looking for a slave.

40.Bring a radio, even if they're not permitted. No human being should be expected 
to sit in total silence for eight hours. Sure, that's what your checklist is for 
but remember, you destroyed that. I'm sure your manager will understand.

41.Open the Clearly Canadian bottles and drop Alkaselters (sp?) into them. If 
you drop enough in you can make a pretty good mess. If you're worried 
about the mess, do it outside.

42.Sit on a gas pump and light fireworks, occasionally dropping one on the 
ground by the pump, making everyone nearby nervous and jumpy.

43.Be extremely rude to everyone that comes in to shop, especially 
the cops who come in to buy the entire stock of Hostess donuts and think that 
just because they're cops, they get free coffee. If you really hate doing any 
work at all, this will help. When you're rude people go out of their way to keep 
from shopping at your store.

44.Make prank phone calls to the other store across the street.

45.Sweep the parking lot. Do a real good job and when you get to the edge of the 
parking lot, keep going and going until you've swept the entire block. Then 
sweep the streets in the area and the parking lot across the street.

46.Take all the breakfast and snack food from the shelves and hide them in 
the back room. The cops will cry when there's no more Hostess donuts.

47.Go over to the store across the street and start cleaning up their store just 
to see the other guy's reaction.

Proven Ways To Get Yourself Shot

48. When being robbed at gunpoint, be a real sarcastic smartass to the guy holding 
a gun in your face. Make fun of obvious things such as his weight, facial scars, etc. 
49. If that doesn't work, whip out a pen and start taking notes. When the 
robber asks you what in the hell you're doing, say, "I'm writing down your description 
for the police. I have a short memory, okay?"

50. If that doesn't work, pick up the phone and dial 911. Tell the police what's 
happening as you take your time putting the robber's money into a paper 
bag. If he gets mad, tell him, "Shhhhhhh! I'm on the phone!"

51. If a black guy comes up to the counter to pay for his 12 pack of beer, 
look him in the eye and say, "This establishment don't serve no colored folks." 

52. When the pimps that always hang out in front come in to buy alcohol, card 
them. Insist that the picture on the I.D. isn't them and refuse the sale, smiling 
the whole time.

53. Be really rude to the gang members. Wear the opposite colors that they do 
and tell them you're Homey G Roy and they're going down!

54. If O.J. Simpson comes in to buy a pair of gloves, start cracking a 
bunch of bad O.J. jokes.