Faded - chapter 2
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"Hisoka? Are you feeling all right?"
He watches me from across the table, his face a mask of concern. I nod and take a sip from my cup of tea. It's almost too bitter. I glance over at his bowl that has some ice cream-like concoction it. I won't bother asking what it is. All I need to know is that it has excessive amounts of chocolate and sugar. Enough to kill. Makes me sick just watching him eat it.
"Are you sure? You look sad..." he trails off as I stiffen slightly.
"I'm fine, idiot. How are you?"
"Um... I'm great! This stuff's really good you know." He lifts a spoonful of the 'poison' into his mouth. I shudder.
"Tsuzuki?"
"Hm?" He pauses, the spoon hanging from his mouth.
"I've been thinking, lately..."
I pause. This wasn't how I wanted to start. But he has to know. I can't let this go on forever.
"Nevermind." I say quickly. Start over.
He looks confused, and I purposely look in another direction. I just couldn't seem to find the words... But what did I want to say exactly? I'm confusing myself now.
"Ne... 'Soka-chan?"
I give him one quick glare, enough to stun him into silence. It doesn't last long.
"Come on, Hisoka. What's wrong?" He's doing it again. Worrying about me when he really shouldn't. I refuse to answer under those circumstances. Gives me time to sort out the words and find my voice again.
Tsuzuki looks down at the table, and I feel an alien emotion seep into me. Frustration? No, I've obviously felt that one before. It's not anger... nor hurt, but something close to it. Dammit. I shakily reach for my cup of tea, but then I realize I don't want it anymore. The amber liquid has grown cold rather quickly, and I sigh heavily.
"Tsuzuki. It's you."
"Huh?"
"It's you. That's what's wrong."
I look at him, and he says nothing. He's shifted his gaze from the table to the ceiling. He must have figured things out by now.
"What did I do?" he murmurs quietly, but he knows. I sense the guilt.
"You're not yourself." I reply, leaning closer to the table.
"When am I not myself?"
"Tsuzuki-"
"No, really." He stops a minute to look at me seriously. "To be honest, I didn't think I was acting any different than normal."
"That's exactly it!" The normal him...
"So how do you want me to act?"
I wince. He's making this harder than it really is. Or am I just pushing too hard? How do I want him to act?
"Tsuzuki... You never talk to me anymore..." I say lamely. Changing the subject might help though.
"Last time I checked, you weren't the most talkative person either." he replies, smugly. He's smiling, but it's not a happy one. That didn't help at all.
"Dammit, you know what I mean!" I hiss.
"No, I don't Hisoka. Please elaborate for me."
I want to scream. He's being so sarcastic on purpose. Now I know something is wrong. This isn't him at all. Things were spiralling way out of control, and everything was going in a completely different direction. I try not to look hurt.
"Tell me, Tsuzuki... What changed?"
There. I've said it.
"Changed?"
"Why won't you tell me anything anymore?"
"What am I supposed to tell you? What do you want me to say?!"
"I want to know why you're avoiding me like this!" Our voices are getting louder, and I can tell that most of the people in the caf� are staring at us... but I don't care anymore.
"I'm not avoiding you."
"Yes you are! Everyday, it's like... It's like you're not even here! Maybe you haven't noticed, but most of our conversations are spent in silence! You hardly listen, and you just-" I stop. I'm starting to choke on the words.
Tsuzuki looks upset now. The strange feeling from before is replaced with anger. It hurts.
"Talk? You want to talk? Aren't we talking now? I'm listening now, aren't I?"
I can only stare at him in shock. Each word, laced with venom... I've only heard him speak in such a way when he was talking about Muraki. But now it's directed at me.
"I'll ask again, Hisoka. What do you want me to say?"
I swallow the lump in my throat, but it comes right back. My vision is becoming blurry. I look away.
"Oh... Hisoka... I'm sorry..." he finally says after a long moment. No more anger. Remorse.
"Why are you acting this way? I don't understand..." My voice sounds so far away.
"I don't understand it either. You just asked me that question out of no where, and I'm not sure how you want me to answer."
When I look back up at him again, he's leaning back in his chair. He looks so tired. His eyes... They used to be so different. Amethyst orbs that were once windows into his soul. I can't see anything in them anymore. Is he hiding everything? Or... is it all gone forever?
"Tsuzuki..."
He stands up from his chair and reaches for his wallet. Pulling out a few crumpled bills, he sets them down on the table.
"See you later, Hisoka." And just like that, he heads for the exit. I just stare after him. My chest is hurting so badly, I can scarcely breathe.
Did he want me to come and chase after him? I would have... but...
Did I expect him to come running back?
I suppose I did.
But he didn't.
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Curl. Uncurl. My fist aches. I've been clenching it for the past hour. I can't seem to move my body to the bedroom for some much needed sleep, so I just sit by the window, staring out at the street, but I'm not really looking at anything.
I feel as though I've been drugged. I keep replaying today's earlier conversation in my head over and over, trying to make sense out of it all. I don't think I can figure it out on my own, but he isn't here, so I guess it's hopeless. I wanted to apologize, to say I was sorry... For what, I don't know. I just needed to say it. To Tsuzuki. To anyone. It didn't matter. I just wanted this feeling of insecurity to go away. This feeling that things weren't all right, and they never would be if something wasn't done. I had messed things up, and I prayed feverently that it wasn't a fatal mistake.
I wanted to cry.
But that's not me. I refuse to resort to that. It wasn't worth it, because tears never solved anything. They made me feel worse. And it always left that empty feeling inside. Like everything within me had burned away and there was nothing but ashes. I know, because I remember I used to cry when I was younger. All the time, every night. I didn't understand why this tiny little world of mine was so bleak, and so cruel. And then slowly I stopped crying. It was every other night, then maybe every once in a while. Then I just stopped altogether. Tears wouldn't bring my mother and father to me. Tears wouldn't change their hearts, or make them hate me any less.
And I remember crying for Tsubaki-hime, knowing what I had done, and that I had taken her life... She was still dead. And it was my fault. My tears couldn't bring her back.
So now I was left with this. To take the pain and stay strong. For myself. I kept telling myself that this wasn't the end. That we would talk this out again, that I had another chance. I thought I could get over my pride, and then maybe he'd stop being such an idiot and just talk to me. Things had to work out. They had to.
With a sigh I stood up from my place by the window, and glanced at the clock hanging on the wall in the kitchen. It was almost 11:30. I still had to work tomorrow. I grimaced. It was best to sleep now. To prepare myself for the inevitable.
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