After that last incident, where I almost lost him....
Did anything really change?
I ask that question a lot, these days. I can't get it out of my head. Because I don't see him. I don't think I ever really have, save for that one moment where he cried in my arms, wanting to know if he was really worth it, if he was human. Right now it's like I'm looking at a shadow of who he once was. But how could I tell him that? What if I'm just the one with the problem? Was I expecting something more after Kyoto?
It's a little late now, I suppose. Or is it? I don't know anymore.
Everything went back to normal like it was supposed to, or so I thought. We went back to work, back to our cases, back to retrieving the souls of the dead. And that was fine. That was how I wanted it. But in terms of Tsuzuki, everything was far out of place. He went back to smiling those smiles... the ones I've hated ever since I found out what was really behind them. Because I know that whatever hurt he's feeling inside, he won't show me. And I hate that, more than anything. It puts that distance between us. The distance that he had tried to close, and I didn't want it at first, but now I don't think I can go back to that.
I suppose I'm a hypocrite for thinking this way. I've never actually opened up to anyone, except him, and even then I never really tell him the whole truth... But still. Does he still not trust me enough? Why can't he come to me?
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It's another day. We both go to work. I do the paperwork. He eats candy and spills things all over his papers. Begs for forgiveness, cleans up the mess (somewhat), and then finally does about fifteen minutes worth of actual work. And then whines about lunch. I swear I don't know how we even get any work done. But at least he tries now.
After lunch, it's mostly the same, except he gets up and wanders around the building for a while. Or he takes a walk outside, just to look at the sakura trees. I used to yell at him for that since he wasn't getting much accomplished, but I don't anymore. It's not like I can stop him. He never did it as often as he does now, and I wonder why. Maybe he wants to get away from me, but I tell myself that that isn't the reason. I hope it's not.
I can still watch him from the window to make sure he doesn't run off or get kidnapped or something... not that I would care.
Okay, I would. I mean, who knows when Muraki could show up again. He could be as bold as to come right here where we are and be attacked mercilessly by the rest of the shinigami, but is he really that stupid? I wish it were so.
But Tsuzuki's not that weak either, so I'm sure he could defend himself... couldn't he? He's not like me, of course. I might as well have a target on my back, or a sign. Perhaps the scars from my past that are etched across my skin are sign enough, but I don't walk around showing those.
When the day is over, I stand outside the building to wait for him. Usually we walk together, and he'll just walk me to my apartment. That used to bother me, but now it seems I'm more worried about him going home by himself. Today though, he's not here. A last minute meeting with Tatsumi, or something. Probably about the budget. I wouldn't be surprised.
I glance at my watch, and then up at the sky. The sun is already setting. A few more minutes of waiting, and then I hear him walking up behind me.
"You didn't have to wait, Hisoka." he says with a smile. I shrug and start heading down the steps. He jogs after me. "Hey, are you hungry? I'm starved... Let's stop somewhere on the way home, ne?"
"Whatever."
I wonder why he even bothers asking me if I'm hungry or not. It's not like it would matter. And of course, I'm paying. The little things like this, don't ever change. But... I suppose I don't really want them to. It's other things...
