In my mind he's not padfoot. Padfoot is fifteen and smiling. He laughs easy, tells jokes about the witch and the centaur and touches me shyly. His hands fumble when he unzips my pants and he's been known to get overly enthuastic and use his teeth, which, when I'm done beating him off my delicate bits with a pillow gives us something else to laugh about. Padfoot knows when to roll over and show throat and when to snarl and snap back. He finds the best smells in the forest and our love is pure and soft and fumbling. The very, and ironic, deffination of puppylove.

 In my mind he isn't Sirius.Sirius is ninteen with long hair and a worried air he beats off with too loud laughter and a tendancy to hold me too close. Sirius cries at night when he thinks I can't hear him beacause he doesn't want to belive I'm the traitor but can't figure out who else could be. Sirius has mastered the art of undressing me and gives professional quality but detatched blowjobs. Sirius has a nasty temper and has broken more dishes in our home than I can count. Our love is tragic, battered and feirce. We cling to each other, just waiting for what's comming. 

 In my mind, he's no one. A stranger. A man with more scars than I, inside and out. Sex is akward again. It is not like riding a bike. You can forget how your lover likes to be touched and kissed. Memories can be stolen. His hair is too short and corse. There's grey ahot all throughout it. I don't know this man. I don't love him, and I don't think he loves me. 

 In my mind he's a ghost. A regret. I can see him, standing there in the doorway, smelling of hippogryph and dust, insisting he goes with us. And I can't stop him. His body is beginning to look familar again. His hair is soft again and sometimes his eyes even sparkle when he laughs. Sometimes he laughed. He digs out his wand and smiles at me. I love you Remus.

 In my mind I don't just stand there akwardly. I don't let myself become stunned by the words, heard for the first time in fourteen years. I grab him and kiss him and he's Sirius again. I tell him I love him and he's careful. He doesn't respond to his cousins' taunts. He doesn't stand infront of that veil. When she hits him, he falls the other way and we take him home. I tell him I love him.

 In my mind, I respond.