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Letting Go

By: Aloysius Flyte

Rated: PG

Summary: Amidala looks back on the events surrounding Anakin's descent into darkness.

Disclaimer: George Lucas owns Star Wars. No copyright infringement is intended. These stories are purely for my enjoyment and (hopefully) the enjoyment of those who visit this page. I am not making any money in this deal, just havin' a good time writing.

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~I looked into your eyes
they told me plenty
I already knew
you never felt a thing
so soon forgotten all that you do
in more than words I
tried to tell you
the more I tried I failed~

How many times did I try to ask you what was wrong? I started to speak... and the words refused to come. I think I feared that our suspicions were true. So many doubts flew through my head, I never knew what I believed from one moment to the next. I only knew that I loved you. Love you. I think Obi-Wan knew the truth all along. He just didn’t want to see it any more than I did. We both love you more than anyone. You were his best friend, his son, really. And you were my everything. It killed me, lying beside you night after night without knowing who you were. I know now. And I wish that my uncertainty would return and replace this horrible pain! Then I saw that dark cloud pass over your eyes. I had never seen anything but love there before. It scared me, Ani. It scared me more than I like to admit.

~I would not let myself believe
that you might stray
and I would stand by you
no matter what they'd say,
I would have thought I'd be with you
until my dying day
until my dying day~

I always pictured us growing old together, having children, grandchildren. I can see us, two old crones sitting beside the fire and watching our grandbabies play on the rug. You’re still dashing, gray hair, wrinkles and all. I can’t feel anything but perfectly contented. I hold onto that image even though I know it’s never going to happen. Not that I was always so cynical. Even when the Council learned about . . . Even then, I knew I could change you, that my love could hold you and anchor you in the Light. Love like ours could never fade. Could it?

~I used to think my life
was often empty
a lonely space to fill
you hurt me more than
I ever would have imagined
you made my world stand still
and in that stillness
there was a freedom
I never felt before~

My whole life, people have protected me: guards, armies, friends... you. Dozens upon dozens of people were all around me at any given moment, but I always felt alone. Until I found you. You were my first true friend. I told you then that no matter what changed, my caring for you would remain. It has. I still love you as a friend, a husband and the father of the children I carry now. It kills me that I can’t run into the other run and put your hand to my stomach to feel them kick. Already, they’re strong. A girl and a boy. I’ve named them already. Leia for my grandmother and Luke for a friend I lost a long time ago. I thought that you might like those names too. That Anakin might. But you aren’t Anakin anymore. That thought has held me down for so long. I think now . . . I think accepting it has made me stronger. I know that I can do what I need to do to save our children from what you have become. No matter what it takes, I will see that the Darkness will not touch them. No matter what the consequences.