It was Master Yoda who sought me out on my 12^th birthday. "Impressed I am with your record. Learn quickly you do, faster than your mother you are."

"Thank you Master Yoda, I try."

"Try you do not, succeed you do." He wasn’t smiling as if he was impressed, but I couldn’t read him. He was much too powerful for me to try something like that. "Yes, your records are good, but much still have you to learn. A struggle will it be for you to become a Jedi. Envy you your path I do not."

"But why, Master Yoda."

"Teach you I will not, too old am I to teach you. A younger Master will you need. Take you to her I will." He walked away slowly, using a cane he hadn’t needed a few years ago. I followed, keeping my mind open and serene. I had had a good day, so I wasn’t feeling much of the angst that ruled the rest of my life.

A young woman waited for us in a suite of rooms. Her black hair was long, down to her knees, and her dark eyes reminded me of pictures of my grandmother. "I am Arali-Tai Windu. I am glad to meet you Cshanil Rees."

I bowed in greeting as I had been taught as a child. "I am glad to meet you as well, Master Windu."

"I have recently been made a Jedi Knight, and I was wondering if you would like to be my Padawan."" Her smile was charming, her presence was soothing, and I found myself liking her right away.

"I think that might be nice, let’s talk for a while."

Master Yoda walked away, leaving us to get acquainted. He had known ahead of time that she would be a good teacher for me, her compassion was her greatest asset. I found myself liking her quickly.

"You have a tremendous vocabulary for a girl of your age." She mentioned at one point.

"I have an eidetic memory. My father did as well, I think it has been my greatest asset in life so far."

"You don’t think your Force ability is your greatest asset?"

"No. I’m not nearly as powerful as my mother was. Master Yoda himself trained her, she was as powerful as he is."

"Power itself shouldn’t be the only consideration. What you do with that power means more in the long run."

"My mother was kind and loving, no one could fault her. She followed the Jedi teachings to the letter and only got in trouble once, because she met my father and lost her control. What did it get her? She’s dead now. Not only is she dead, but she’s totally gone."

"I had heard of your mother. She disappeared when I was around your age. How do you know she’s dead?"

"My grandfather told me. He came home one day when I was little, right after I moved in with him I think, and he told me she was dead." I said this matter-of-factly, but there was something that bothered me about it now.

"We had only heard that she disappeared. There was no news about her from anywhere."

"He told me just after he won custody of me, he must have known first hand about her death…."

"I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say about something like this." Arali-Tai looked downcast, sad and confused.

"It was a long time ago, don’t worry about it."

I had just shrugged it off, it meant nothing to me that my grandfather would have known she was dead as soon as it would have happened. Somehow that had always been one of those things that adults just knew, they found out and it meant nothing to a two-year-old. I hadn’t thought about it after that. Now it was too late to do anything about it. He was dead and beyond justice and had been for two years. Master Arali-Tai took the information to the council, they questioned me in their intimidating round chamber, and the next day a period of mourning for my mother began ten years too late. Everything went on as usual that week except for a few ceremonies and speeches and people saying how they felt sorry for me. It felt a little ridiculous but I played along. I had this feeling that this was for everyone else who had known her, and if it made them feel better I would play along. It was just silly after all that time.

Master Arali-Tai Windu had a little brother named Torshan who was a couple of years older than I was. For some reason they had stayed close despite being Jedi and being so far apart in age. It was rare, but I understand it happened once in a while. We ate together and spent a lot of time with Torshan and his Master, Nobr-Ber Jaliereth. Torshan and I got along, but I quickly noticed that my Master was totally wrapped up in Nobr-Ber whenever they spent time together. Torshan and I laughed about it together a lot, and he teased her that she only spent so much time with him to be with his Master. She would only laugh, never denying it. It was good to have a Master who laughed.

I grew up with the three of them acting like my family. They were warmer and closer to me than my grandfather was, but the memory of my mother held them apart from what my idea of a real family was. When Master Arali-Tai and Master Nobr-Ber were married I was happier than I had been since my mother died—and more miserable.

"What’s the matter Cshanil? I thought you’d be happy to see your master married." Nobr-Ber pulled me aside a little before the ceremony.

"I am happy about that, Master Jaliereth."

"Call me Nobr, you look like you need a friend more than another authority figure right now."

"Thank you, I do right now. It’s Torshan."

"What? What has he done?"

"He asked Lasana to come to the wedding with him. I know I shouldn’t be so upset, but I can’t seem to stop myself."

"You have feelings for him, very strong feelings for him. Am I right?"

"Well, yes. He’s been like a brother to me for years."

"No, it must be deeper than that or you wouldn’t be upset with him for this."

"It’s just because he will ignore me the whole time and I won’t have anyone to have fun with. That’s all."

Nobr looked at me with his head cocked to the side. "Lasana is a good young lady, worthy of my Padawan’s attention." I glared at him, feeling betrayed that he would take their side. He chuckled, reading my emotions easily. "I think you should take some time and search your feelings. Don’t deny your true feelings, for if you don’t face them they will consume you. Only when you can see the truth will you be able to do something about it."

Reluctantly I did as he said, thinking about what he had said. Master Arali-Tai left with her new husband overnight and I think I was awake that whole time. My meditations were difficult to face, but the next afternoon when my Master returned I knew the truth.

Arali-Tai walked in to my room, happier than I had ever seen her until she saw my face. I had kept my mental shields up tight, but I couldn’t hide the tears falling freely from my eyes. "Padawan, what is the matter?"

"I’m in love, Master. And I know that he could never love me back the same way."

"That’s hard for me to believe."

"No, not when you hear who I’m in love with it won’t be."

"Oh?"

"I just realized I’m in love with Torshan. He’s been like a brother to me, just as you have been like a mother. If he said he love me the same way I’d lose everything we have together now…but if he doesn’t I don’t know how I’ll be able to go on."

She held me close, thinking her own thoughts, but nothing—even every Jedi relaxation technique I had ever learned—could ease my misery at that moment.

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