LINKS AND OTHER STUFF
Like the rest of this site, this page is under construction. Knowing me, it will probably still be under construction in ten years' time. Please burst a blood vessel as you vent your fury at my failure to provide instant gratification.
The family mutt enjoys a sip of vodka
Probably the worst dancing I have ever seen- Krakow, Poland
Footage from Buckingham Palace (do I need to say where that is?)
Quotes I liked
Not all of these quotes are amusing; some reflect important events.
'Anyone seeing this will have to agree that the best team in the land is that team there'
Andy Gray, on Sky Sports, commenting on Arsenal's 38-match unbeaten season in May 2004. Arsenal, an English football club now known as the 'Immortal Invincibles' had become the first team to play a full 38-game season without losing. Only the 'Invincibles' of Preston North End, in 1888, had played a full season, of 22 matches, without defeat. Arsenal's unbeaten run of 49 games, from May 2003 to October 2004, is the longest unbeaten run in football history.
'Westmeath will lose by at least 10 points'
Pat Spillane, on The Sunday Game, commenting on Westmeath's match against Meath, in the All-Ireland SFC quarter-final. Westmeath took a nine-point lead, lost it, and missed the chance to win a drawn match, with the last kick of the game.
'Spillane can suck my Irish cock'
My response, shouted rather loudly, and immortalised in local folklore.
'Dennis Glennon has broken his leg in two places'
The ever-incompetent Radio Three description of the injury received by Westmeath's Dennis Glennon, in a match with Meath. In reality, Glennon had sprained his neck.
'I smell like a dead yak. In fact, I smell like a field full of dead yaks. Hang on, what the fuck is a yak?'
A mate of mine addresses our malodorous condition, as we traipsed through Rome.
'I wish that that communist son of a bitch had broken his neck'
The same mate shows his sympathy for Fidel Castro, who broke his collarbone after falling off the stage at a college graduation ceremony.
'There is as much chance of that happening as there is of the Jews forgiving Hitler'
The same source as the last two quotes.
'I'm so right-wing I make Ann Coulter look like a communist'
My honest, but exaggerated, opinion of myself.
'... good thing about living in Des Moines is that you don't have to live in any other part of Iowa'
Taken from The Lost Continent, by Bill Bryson.
'There's nothing stupider than a brooding hen, apart from a New York Democrat'
Taken from The Stand, by Stephen King.
'The only good thing about traveling in Europe with Stephen Katz was that it spared the rest of America {the bother} of spending a summer with him'
Taken from Neither Here Nor There, by Bill Bryson.
'I'm horny, Mary, Mary Horny'
A bastardised version of a well-known song, sung by a DJ in a radio station in the west of Ireland (I don't know which one, but will give credit to it if someone tells me the name). Mary Harney, Ireland's equivalent of the vice-President, 'asked' him to stop. For over a week, this DJ would break into song, lambasting Harney. Liberal country that it is, Ireland stood by and let this happen, until the threat of legal action brought this amusing song to a halt.
'Mary Harney was arrested in Dublin airport today, for smuggling drugs. She bent over, and the customs guys saw 50 kilos of crack'
A common joke in Ireland, about the slightly... overweight... Ms Harney.
'Drew Barrymore has announced that, when she dies, she wants to be cremated and fed to her cat, so that she can live on forever in her cat. Knowing our luck, if she moved to Ireland, the cat would get run over by a truck five minutes later'
This utterly hysterical remark was made by one of the DJs on 2FM, an Irish radio station.
And now, a long quote: 'The Pope, Bob Geldof, Ian Paisley (an anti-Catholic Unionist from Northern Ireland) and a schoolgirl are on a plane, which is going to crash. They have three parachutes to use, so one of them will be stuck on the plane when it crashes. The Pope takes charge, giving Bob Geldof a parachute in return for his work with Band Aid. Next, Ian Paisely gets a parachute and jumps out of the plane, because, as the Pope puts it: 'You may be a Unionist from Northern Ireland, and you may not like me, but you're still helping to get peace in Northern Ireland. The Pope hands a parachute to the schoolgirl, who says that she can't take it because the world needs the Pope, who is, after all, the head of the Catholic Church. 'Oh calm down', says the Pope, 'I gave your schoolbag to that Unionist son of a bitch, Paisley'.
A rather well liked Irish joke (just not Northern Irish!).
'I have led the Irish people well, but the time has come to resign'
The Taoiseach, Ireland's version of the US President, Charles J. Haughey, announces his retirement in 1989, after a vote of no confidence by his own party- the equivalent of impeachment in the Irish political system. As of November 2004, the investigation into Haughey's corruption has imprisoned two politicians, sacked one, and fined a fourth 10 million Euros, about 13 million US Dollars. Haughey was fined over five million Euros for tax evasion.
'The Union is stronger now, when we rise from this table, than it was when we sat here'
David Trimble, head of the Ulster Unionist Party, on Good Friday, 1998, signals the end of the historic negotiations between Ireland, Northern Ireland and England, that ended 800 years of war. Removing the Queen as head of the English state, giving Scotland and Wales their own parliaments, and breaking up the United Kingdom, the Agreement, as it is called, is arguably the most important document ever signed in Irish, or English, history. Its signing was delayed by over a week, meaning it was signed at one minute past midnight, on the morning of Good Friday, 1998- a point taken to have some significance by religious people in Ireland, who say that only divine intervention could end arguably the bloodiest civil war in Western Europe's history.
Random thoughts
What is the French equivalent of 'Pardon my French'?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
If people dislike America so much, why do they watch so many American TV programs?