Nodwick: Money Matters

By Quamp

 

It was a nice, calm day in the village, which meant that Nodwick and his friends were not in it. Unfortunately, that silence was shattered when they arrived back in the village. "Ah, my friends, we've done good this round! Let's jaunt over to the bar for their best skull-whomper ale!" Yager said. They followed Yager into his favorite tavern. "Barkeep, my friends and I have just raided a dungeon! We've brought back a lot of loot! Give me your best mug of skull-whomper ale!" Yager shouted as he entered. "Dude, I'm standing right next to you, there's no need to shout." The bartender replied. The bartender poured Yager a mug of skull-whomper ale. "That'll be three gold pieces." The bartender said. Nodwick lowered one of the treasure chests from the dungeon that they just raided. Yager opened it up to find a note inside it. "Huh? What's this?" Yager asked. He then took the note and read it. "Surprise! You are the victim of a chest of teleportation. The treasure that you claimed from the dungeon is now back in the dungeon, and cannot be removed from it. Have a nice day, signed, Lertergo the jokester wizard."

Uh-oh, Nodwick thought. No money means no skull-whomper ale, which leads to one very angry Yager. "What!? Curse that wizard! I'll find that joker and have his head!" Yager shouted. "Oh dear. This is so not-nice." Piffany said. The bartender took the mug of skull-whomper ale away from Yager. "No money, no ale. Sorry pal." He said. "Dang. I wanted to get drunk." Yager said. "That is the least of our worries." Artax said. "We needed that money to pay for our monthly upkeep on the place and our other expenses." Artax said. Yager thought for a moment. "What about our secret stash?" Yager asked. "We used it to bail you out of jail the last time you got drunk and started hitting on that female cop." Nodwick said. "Dang." Yager said. "Well then, we've got to get into another dungeon now. No time for resting up, we've got to earn some money!" Yager said.

Well, they immediately went out and tried to get into another dungeon. The first one they went to was The Citadel of the Horned Archfiend. The owner drew his sword at the sight of Nodwick and his friends. Unfortunately for our heroes, the new owner was the former chief assistant to the demon Kra'delahg-Yant.* "You! Ruin my plans for resurrecting Kra'delahg-Yant you did! Drummed was I out of the chief assistants guild! Made a laughing stock of all evil I was! Sentenced was I to turn this nice-nice dungeon back to its evil ways! Impossible is that task!" He shouted at them. "Failed have I at turning even one simple ogre back to its evil ways! Out of my sight get! Slay you I will if you return here!" The former chief assistant said. Piffany, like Queen Victoria, was not amused by the former chief assistant's bellowing and ranting. "You are such a not-nice person." She said. "Can't you speak normally for once?" Yager asked as they went away.

"You bunch!? You DARE come to ask to raid the Tomb of Lost Hope after what you have done!?" The owner said. ** They had, of course, turned the Tomb of Lost Hope into the same kind of nice-nice place that they did to the Citadel of the Horned Archfiend. "My minions now sell cookies and candy thanks to your cleric!" The undead owner said. "I was drummed out of the evil leaders guild all together! Give me one good reason I shouldn't annihilate you right now!" He shouted. "You are such a not-nice person." Piffany said. They left the place downhearted.

Well, they went back to their modest home and contemplated the situation. "I don't see any way around this. We're going to have to get regular jobs." Artax said. "AH! NO!" Yager shouted. "I became an adventurer to avoid a real job!" Yager added. "I don't know about getting him a real job. I can’t think of anything else he’s qualified for." Artax said. "Well, just relax, Yager. I'm sure that Artax and I can earn enough money for a while." Piffany said. Famous last words indeed…

Well, Piffany found a woman that wanted a break from her children for a while, so she decided to take the babysitting job. Unfortunately for her, the children were the offspring of Therog the happiness-squishier. They were very not-nice children. They didn't stand a chance against Piffany, though. When they met, Nodwick had escorted Piffany to the home of the children. "Hey, a henchman! I know a strength potion based on the blood of a henchman!" One of them said. Piffany immediately admonished the child with her razor-sharp tongue. "That's a very not-nice thing to do." She said. She then tried to get the children to behave in a better manner. "Come on, kids. We should have fun! Now, what toys do you have to play with?" She asked. "I've got a mace of mauling +2" One of them said. "I've got a composite bow that has arrows that burst into flames upon impact." Another said. "Oh my. Where are the Pokébeenies? What happened to the stuffed Ogres and dragons?" Piffany asked. "That stuff is for wimps!" One of them shouted. "Our goal in life is to bring forth misery and destruction!" Piffany was shocked by this, naturally. "Kids! That's so not-nice! Haven't you ever been nice in your lives?" She asked. "Nice? What's that?" One of them asked. Piffany broke out her Pokébeenie set. "It means not hurting people and being nice." Piffany said as she gave them some of her Pokébeenies. "Try playing with these. Nice can be fun!" She added. The kids were at a loss for what to do. After all, Therog the happiness-squishier wasn't about to let his kids have any fun. They were confused as Therog threw Piffany out.

"By the Gods, I can't take it anymore!" Yager shouted. "I've been sober for three days, and I can't stand it! I want my skull-whomper ale!" Nodwick and Artax looked nervously at Yager. "Well, so far, all we've managed to get are three tinfoil pieces." Artax said. Yager held his head and grimaced. "I hate this!" Nodwick looked at Yager. "Well, you could always go out and earn it yourself." Nodwick said. "Earn money? Nodwick, I became a warrior so I would have to avoid having a regular job!" Yager said. "Besides, if he gets a job at McDragons, that could prove fatal for a lot of people." Artax said. "I see your point. How about some mercenary work? Surely there's something at your guild." Nodwick said. "Erm… well, I received a 30-day suspension from my guild because I went in their drunk again last week…" Yager said sheepishly. "Well then, you're just going to have to wait for the rest of us to earn money." Artax said.

"What the #$*&^% have you done to my children!?" Therog the happiness-squishier was very angry to say the least. "Hey dad! This cleric here showed us how to have fun and a good time!" One of them said. Nodwick was pretty scared now; Therog had a very bad reputation. Therog took away the Pokébeenies from the children, and proceeded to step on all of them. "This is nice-nice! I HATE nice-nice!" He shouted. Piffany was not overjoyed by having her Pokébeenies stepped on by a guy in armor. Naturally, this broke the dolls apart. "Ooh! You are such a not-nice man!" She said. "You should let people enjoy themselves." Therog drew his sword. "You have turned my children into wimps! I have no choice but to slay you now!" He shouted. He ran towards Piffany, out for blood. Piffany merely cast one spell on him. She had used this same spell previously on an evil cleric. Yes, it's the "Cover in happy faces" spell. Therog stopped his charge and looked himself over. "By the demons, this is a fate worse than death!" He tried to pull the happy faces off, but they kept coming back. He had to run and hide now. "NO!!!!" Therog shouted as he ran away. "Well, I have a feeling that guy is going to end up like the former chief assistant of Kra'delahg-Yant." Nodwick said. "This really doesn't solve our money woes." Yager said. "I've got the day being sober, and I can't say I like it." Everyone else was pragmatic about the situation. "Perhaps we do need to discover our options." Piffany said.

Back at their residence, our heroes thought about things. "Perhaps there's some mercenary job that we can take." Nodwick suggested. "Good idea. Let's go visit our respective guilds and see what's up." Yager said. Following Nodwick to Henchman's local #246, Nodwick met up with Heathwick. "Well, I can pay you 50 gold pieces for organizing your file." Heathwick said. "That 10 story tower. That would take weeks. I'd do it for 1000 gold." Nodwick said. "Sorry, budget's tight here." Heathwick said. "50 gold is as much as I can pay." Nodwick refused the thankless task. After all, he already had the thankless task of keeping Yager and Artax in line. While this was going on, Artax had tried to turn his magical skills into some use. Artax came upon a farmer that had an infestation of ant-mice in his fields. Artax used his magic to bring them out of the field, and send them to a dungeon known as the cave of the opie-dopes. "My crops are saved! How can I thank you, wizard?" The farmer said. "Well, I could use about 100 gold pieces for this job…" Artax said. "100 gold pieces? Are you out of your mind!? Most wizards charge 30 silver for this!" The farmer said. "30 silver? Well, all right." Artax replied, seeing that the farmer was reaching for a sword. The farmer then calmed down and paid the 30 silver. Artax then left the farm, grumbling. "Sucker!" The farmer replied.

Later at the home, our heroes gathered and pooled what they made together. It was just enough to pay for the damage Yager did trying to solicit work. It wasn't his fault that he tried to get a job. It wasn't his fault that he bid less than Jurak the ever-petulant. Jurak and Yager got into a fight. Even though Jurak was in magical armor, it didn't stand up to Yager's reaper of evil +4. Yager managed to thrust his sword into Jurak's heart. Unfortunately for Nodwick, he was nearby when Jurak attacked, and naturally, Yager used Nodwick as a human shield. Unlike the US government in Iraq, Jurak the ever-petulant had no quarrels about skewering the innocent bystander Nodwick with his sword. "You're still using a henchman as a shield? Bah! You are not worth my time!" Jurak said right before Nodwick died. "He may be small, but he takes wounds in the chest well." Yager said. Jurak walked away from Yager. "You are an idiot and a loser. I hope you die a slow, lingering death at the hands of someone even more incompetent than you are." Jurak said. "You're not worth soiling my sword over." Yager was not happy about this. "Hey! Come back you coward!" Yager shouted. Jurak merely threw a dagger at Yager, catching Yager in the hand. "That is far more than you deserve, worm." Jurak said as he left.

Well, things were looking pretty grim for our heroes. Piffany then journeyed to their dungeon, the Hollow of the Mushroom-raising Trolls (formerly known as the Hollow of Hazardous Horror.) Piffany talked to some of the trolls. "Well sister Piffany, we've had a bit of good luck here. We've managed to raise a very rare mushroom known as the ice ground mushroom." One of the trolls said. "Oh my… they say that mushroom only grows in the not-nice droppings of an ice dragon." Piffany said. "Yea. An ice dragon came in. He'd been thrown out of the cabal of rainbow dragons or something like that." Piffany was given two of these rare mushrooms to sell. Piffany took them and sold both of them for about 5000 gold. ½ of this, of course, she gave to the poor. The rest she gave to Yager, Nodwick,  and Artax. Naturally, Yager took his share and got stinking drunk. He had a few rounds of squeezed bar rag before collapsing. Nodwick had to carry Yager home. "Well, at least this time he didn't get arrested." Nodwick said.

 

--End--

 

* See The Duct Tape Quest

** See Nodwick #14.