Nodwick:
Invaders from Deep Space
By Quamp
It was a typical day at Nodwick's home. That, of course, meant everything was in chaos and disorder. Nodwick was out gathering supplies for their next adventure; Yager was lying in a drunken stupor in his bed; Piffany was out doing some charity work with some kids. However, it was Artax who was the troublemaker this time. Artax was in his lab working on some routine spells when things went wrong again. He was trying out a new enhance armor spell when there was a disruption to the spell; a different, conflicting spell was cast nearby. Since both spells conflicted with each other, the other mage suddenly found herself up to her neck in pig guts. Since she was fighting Uhubbu, the god of pig haters, this really didn't help her any. What happened to Artax was a little calmer, but not by much. He saw in his crystal ball a vision of outer space. It showed three spaceships heading for the planet that he lived upon. Then the crystal ball shattered, sending crystal shards everywhere, even into Artax. When Nodwick came home, loaded with a bunch of supplies, he found Artax sitting against the wall, still picking crystal shards out of his arms. "Nodwick, be a good boy and fetch Piffany, will you? I've got a few places that need duct taping…" He said. Nodwick was surprised at what happened. "My goodness! What happened?" Nodwick asked. A short explanation later, and Nodwick sent off to find Piffany.
Piffany was showing off a sweet little butterfly to some of the children. "Doesn't it look pretty?" Piffany asked. "Now, what should we do with it?" She asked. The answer came from the son of Whalcabindal the joy-crusher. "We squash it like a grape!" He shouted right as he swatted the butterfly to the ground. "OW!" the child then said as Piffany whacked him on the head with her staff. "That was so not-nice." She said. "We are supposed to look at it and admire its beauty." It was then Nodwick entered and informed Piffany of the situation. "Oh my… stay here and watch the children, won't you? I'll go fix him up." Piffany raced off to save Artax. Nodwick, of course, had no experience with children, let alone ones that were seriously in danger of being evil's future. "So, what was Piffany doing here?" Nodwick asked. The children, seeing their opportunity, advanced on Nodwick. "Say, I know a great strength-enhancing brew that you make from the blood of a henchman." One of them said. "Well, let's get to work on it." The others said….
Back at the home, Piffany arrived and taped up Artax. "Goodness, what caused your crystal ball to explode like that?" Piffany asked. "That I am not sure about. However, just before it exploded, I saw a vision of three ships hovering in space. They seemed to be going to our planet." Piffany taped up more of his cuts. "Should we be concerned about this?" She asked. "I really don't know what to think, Piffany." Artax said. Just then Yager stumbled in. He had a humungous hangover and was staggering. "Uh… what are you talking about?" Yager asked. "Oh, I'm sure it's nothing important." She told him. Just as Piffany finished taping up Artax, there was a knock on the door. Piffany answered it and there was a shire-reeve at the door. "Excuse me, are those your children brewing the highly illegal Henchman's strength brew out on your lawn?" He asked. Piffany looked out to see her charges had killed Nodwick and drained him of his blood. They were busy brewing a concoction in a cauldron. Nodwick was lying in about 15 pieces on the ground. "Oh dear…" Piffany said. She raced out to stop the children. "What are you doing!?" She shouted. "This is a strength potion based on the blood of a henchman." Piffany was seeing red through her rose colored glasses. "No, no, no!" She said. "The first rule is no killing!" She said. "But it was just a henchman…" One of the children said sheepishly. "That's it! Go back to the high matron at once! I don't want to do something to you that I would later regret." She said. "Yes, Miss Piffany." The children intoned in a monotone of despair.
While Piffany was busy putting back Nodwick together, the three spaceships that Artax saw in his crystal ball were entering the atmosphere of the planet. "Report!" Their leader shouted. "We have scanned the surface of the planet. The inhabitants are primitive peasants and feuding kings. We can easily take over this planet without any problems." The leader seemed mildly interested. "But does it have what we need?" He asked. "There's a limited supply of ingredients to our fuel, it's not a lot, but it will stretch out what we have for another year." The leader then smiled. "We attack at once!" He said. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" His laugh was akin to fingernails on a blackboard, but none of his minions dared complain. After all, the last person to even think about disagreeing with him met up with a very nasty demise…
It was about three hours later that Piffany had managed to duct tape Nodwick back together. "Piffany, next time you leave me with a bunch of psychotic children… don't!" He said. "Oh, relax, Nodwick. I'm sure they'll be all right." Then they started hearing a faint hum in the far distance. "Do you hear what I hear?" Piffany asked. Yager entered, holding an ice pack to his head. "I'm hearing this faint buzz in my head. What can I do about it?" Yager asked. "That's not just you. I hear it too." Artax replied. It started getting louder and louder. This went on for about 5 minutes, and then the room started vibrating. People started shaking like gelatin. Unfortunately, Nodwick was still in a precarious state, and vibrated apart. "Wonderful. I just fix him up and he falls apart again." Piffany lamented. Yager and Artax went outside to see the three ships buzzing by their home. Inside the ship, the leader was talking to his minions. "They do not have any telecommunications devices as we know them. We are going to have to use the loudspeaker." The minion said. "Very well. Do it!" The leader replied. Once everything was set up, the leader broadcasted his voice very loudly. "People of this planet! I am Phantom of Krankor. You will surrender your planet to me at once! This is but a mere scout party for a grand fleet of spaceships that will come and destroy your planet, if you choose to resist me! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Down below, Artax, Yager, and Piffany were holding their ears; after all, this was extremely loud. When the Phantom of Krankor was done, everyone kept his or her ears covered. "Golly gosh! We're being invaded by people from another planet!" Piffany said. "What!?" Yager shouted. Their ears were still ringing from the Phantom's announcement. "Wait a little!" Artax said. Piffany took to the task of putting Nodwick back together again…
About an hour later, Nodwick was back to his usual self, albeit covered from neck to toe in duct tape. The four of them went outside to find that the Phantom's ships had landed about a mile from where they lived. Gathering up their arms and armament, they traveled the mile to the ships and looked inside the ship. There they saw the Phantom of Krankor and his minions looking back at them. "Ah, so you have come to surrender to me?" The Phantom asked through his loudspeaker. "Why are you doing this?" Piffany asked. "It's not a nice thing to invade another planet." The Phantom sneered at her. "We need your resources to fuel our ships for more conquests. Then we can find some more planets to conquer and take their resources too. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Artax, Yager Piffany and Nodwick pulled back. "We're obviously dealing with a megalomaniac." Artax noted. "He seems so not-nice! What can we do?" Piffany asked. "We need more information about who this person is." Nodwick noted. Well, Artax cast a spell to check on the spaceships. Then suddenly, a warrior attired in a loincloth and wielding a large ax rushed the ship. "You'll never take this planet!" He shouted milliseconds before a laser blasted him out of existence. "Oh my…" Piffany covered her mouth with her hand in dismay. Shortly after that, three warriors emerged from the ship. They were attired in tan bodysuits and had large, hooked noses. Our four adventurers couldn't help but giggle at their appearances. "This is a conquering army?" Yager asked. "Surrender now, adventurers! The Phantom of Krankor has decided to take over your planet! We will not rest until you surrender to us!" The party huddled and looked the situation over. "What can we do? That alien is so not-nice." Piffany said. "Artax, see if you've got a spell that can do something to them." Yager ordered. "Hmm… well, let's see here… I don't think I've encountered anything remotely like it…" Artax started. "But a simple analysis spell should help out." He said. After casting the spell, Artax looked the information up in his backup Harry Potter training crystal ball. This was, of course, after getting it out from under a pile of dust and cobwebs that was pretty thick. "I liked my old crystal ball. Well, anyway, this says that the shell of those alien ships are composed of some materials not found on this planet." Artax said. "But the joints are held together with mere rivets and caulking."
It was at this time the king's army showed up. They were about 500 strong, including about 50 mages, 200 warriors, archers, heavy siege equipment and a few clerics. "Step aside! His majesty has ordered the animation of these invaders!" The army marched upon the ships. However, despite blows from heavy swords, various siege weapons, and powerful spells, the ships didn't take any damage. "So, you choose to oppose me, do you? Well then, it is time I showed you my power! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Suddenly one of the spaceships had a door open up and what looked like a lemon zester came out of it. "A lemon zester?" Nodwick asked. Then this laser started firing, striking several of the army members. The army was forced to retreat. "Man, I finally get a spell-proof shield, and that laser puts a big hole in it!" One of them complained as he ran away. "Oh dear… this is getting worse by the minute. "Ah-ha! I have it!" Artax said. "I can make their door open, but only for 30 seconds. This will give us just enough time to get inside." Artax said. Well, they went to the door, avoiding the lemon zester of death, which was busy striking down some of the battering rams….
Once at the door, Artax cast a spell and opened up the door. Our party of four managed to enter the spaceship, but Nodwick, being the last one in, got the back of his heels clipped. All of them were in awe of what they saw. After all, it's not every day that an alien spaceship lands near you. They stood dumbstruck by the complicated equipment in front of them. "This is amazing…" Yager said. "I don't know where to begin to put a fly in the ointment." At that point, about 6 guards came up and pointed lasers at our heroes. "What? How did you get in here? Raise your hands!" They quickly disarmed Yager, taking his Reaper of Evil +4. Well, fortunately (and somewhat unfortunately) Yager also forgot to bathe the week past. When he raised his arms, the underarm odor was overwhelming to mere human noses. The aliens were slightly more sensitive to smells, so they fell like blocks of lead. "Gag! Did stinkbugs crawl up your armpits and die?" Artax noted. Yager lowered his hands and grabbed his sword. "Hey, it got us out of the situation, didn't it?" He said. The other members of the party were too overcome with the fumes to answer. Especially hurt was Nodwick, of course. After all, he had the biggest nose in the bunch. Well, Our heroes continued on in the spaceship. Even though on the outside, it was a small craft, on the inside, the place was huge. "Fascinating…" Artax said. "Apparently, we've moved into some alternate dimension." Yager was as lost and as confused as the others were. "Well, whatever happened here, we've got to find the control center and stop them from taking over the world!"
Suddenly our heroes found themselves surrounded by the minions of the Phantom of Krankor. They were pointing laser rifles at our heroes. "So! Some brave adventurers thought they could just waltz in here and stop me. Well, I have a way to deal with intruders! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Artax cast his most powerful transmutation spell, and suddenly the guards found themselves holding deadly and angry cobras in their hands. Snakes that attacked the guards. "Curses! They have magic! We must use the fields!" The Phantom said. "Not so fast!" Yager shouted as he plunged his sword into a control console. The result was, of course, 5000 volts coursing through the sword and into Yager. "Curses! Well, you will not –ow!" The Phantom had his tirade interrupted by Piffany hitting him in the face with an H2Oly balloon. Although the balloon did him no damage, it did make the Phantom very angry. "You have gotten me very angry now. I will release my champion! After meeting him, you will fall like chaff! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" After that, they found themselves face-to-face with a giant. "Uh-oh." They all said in unison. "Hmm… I have an idea…" Nodwick said quietly. He used his become irrelevant power and slipped away from the fight. Meanwhile, Artax, Yager and Piffany were kept quite busy fighting this giant. "Quick! Use a spell!" Yager shouted at Artax. Sadly, Artax came across one of the MS-DOS 15th edition's bugs. Artax cast a lightning bolt, but instead, thanks to scientific equipment being nearby, this caused the giant to emit a foul odor. This only served to enrage the giant even more. Fighting was intense on both sides; the giant had managed to stomp on Yager's foot. Yager slashed at the giant with his sword, but this did the giant little if any damage. Then the giant managed to knock Yager and Artax down with both hands. It advanced on Piffany, who was desperately trying to fight it. "You are so not-nice!" She said as the giant bore down on her. Just when things looked hopeless, the giant suddenly shrank. Instead of being over 30 feet tall, he was now about 4 feet tall. "What!? What happened!? Why has my champion shrunk!?" The Phantom shouted. Piffany took one swing at the now short giant and sent him to the ground.
About 30 seconds after Piffany sent this miniature giant to the ground, the power started failing. "Attention: Power core has been disrupted. Total power failure in 3 minutes." A computerized voice said. "Curses! You have defeated one of my ships! I will not be able to take over your planet! Well, I will leave, but I shall return! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Piffany was advancing on the Phantom, and just as she got to him, he teleported away. Yager threatened the minions of the Phantom with his sword, and they immediately surrendered. "We are nothing without our leader." One of them said. "However, there's something I don't understand. How did that giant shrink to the size of a dwarf?" Artax pondered. "That would be my doing." Nodwick reentered the room and found his friends still there. "When I first spotted the Phantom's champion. I noticed a band on his wrist that had some electronic components in it. I reasoned that this was augmenting his power, so I searched around to find out where this source of power was coming from. Surprisingly, it was not guarded, so I managed to turn the machine off." Nodwick said. "Goodness. How did you know which machine to turn off?" Piffany asked. "Well, it was a process of trial and error. I actually shut the power down first." Nodwick replied.
Though the Phantom of Krankor raced away from the planet in his spaceship, one of the other spaceships was unable to take off. The people inside had surrendered, and Yager claimed it as his own. "This would look good next to the throne of Geakes." He said. "But then we wouldn't have a place for that statue of Rowen you had forged from the silver golem we defeated 2 years ago." Artax noted. "Hmm… well, we'll figure it out when we get home." Nodwick picked up the heavy ship and started carrying it home…
--End--