PS238
"Going Hollywood"
By Quamp
Author's note: Yes, it traipses headlong into the just plain wrong, but in a Bad Santa kind of way. I'd rate it PG-13.
Disclaimer: PS238 is ©Dork Storm/ Henchman Publishing and Aaron Williams. "I Should Be Allowed to Think" is ©1994/2002 They Might Be Giants. The political opinions are solely that of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Aaron Williams, Dork Storm comics, Henchman Publishing, or anyone who has their head screwed on wrong. This fan fic is not for profit, but prophets can read it all they want.
It was a pretty normal day at PS238, which meant that chaos was the order of the day. The morning started simply enough with Ms. Kyle's class. They were in the middle of a math lesson when word came down that the class had the rest of the day off while the teachers had to meet in the teacher's lounge. Of course, while the kids liked the idea of getting a day's respite from their vigorous workout, little did they know that there would be dramatic changes around their school that would dramatically affect their lives forever...
"They did WHAT to our budget?!" Spell Syrin asked. The meeting of the teachers was not something they would enjoy. Principal Cranston was selected to break the bad news to the team. "Well, I hate to tell you this, but they cut the budget. We've had things slashed quite a bit." Cranston said. "What can we do? Hydraulics that can apply 3 million tons of pressure aren't cheap, you know. The kids are constantly breaking them too." Coach Krutz said. "We were barely breaking even as it was. Then they slashed 40% from our budget." Principal Cranston grimaced at them. "Forty percent?!" The teachers said in unison. "That would mean absolutely no pay for any of the teachers, and our students would have to give up pretty much everything that we've worked hard for. The children would spend their time not really learning anything." Ms. Kyle said. "I agree. A forty percent slash in my budget would mean that I could only sweep the floor." Hershel added. "We've got to do a lot of fundraising and cost cutting." Cranston said. "We've got to stop the field trips and running to the moon, unless we take a bunch of paying passengers along." The others were downhearted. "This can't lead to good." Spell Syrin said. "I agree." Ms. Kyle said.
Three days later, and things were turned upside-down. During the weekend, there were a whole lot of advertisements posted all over the school. They were on the ceiling, the floor, and any free wall space. The teachers came in first, and looked the place over. "What in the world happened here?" Ms, Kyle asked. Principal Cranston was very nervous at this. "Well, that's one of the quick fixes that the board has done to help with the cash gap." He said. "I didn't want to do it, but the board accepted advertising from various companies to raise quick money." Coach Krutz didn't like it. "I don't like it. We shouldn't have to tell these kids 'support company X or your education will suffer.' This is supposed to be a public school, not a billboard." Krutz said. Shortly after that, the children came in. All of them looked the place over. "What in the world happened here?" Suzi Fusion said. "This place looks like one giant billboard." Captain Clarinet said. Ms. Kyle was there to guide them to the class. "Just ignore the ads, kids. The budget got slashed unexpectedly. We've had a bit of a problem trying to balance the budget, and as a stopgap measure, they decided to bring in a bunch of ads." Ms. Kyle said. "Hmm... this could be an advantage to me." Zodon thought. "I'll replace the ads with my own copies, ones that give subliminal messages to make me their leader."
Well, later in class, our heroes of the future were learning geography from Ms. Kyle. "This whole exercise is pointless. When I have taken over the world, there will be but one nation under me!" Von Fogg said. "One nation under me, you mean." Zodon retorted. "You two payasos couldn't conquer basic math." La Protectora said. "Now children, let us behave here. We are trying to discuss the countries of Africa, not who's going to rule the world." Ms. Kyle said. "I see no reason to study the countries. Once I have taken over the world, all landmass will be under one political unit under me." Von Fogg said. "You couldn't take over a spot in a line." Zodon retorted. "Children, do you want to see the school disciplinarian again?" Ms. Kyle asked. "No ma'am." Both of them intoned in a strong monotone. "Now, let's continue here. Many of the countries in Africa are poor and in a state of war." Ms. Kyle said. "Well, the wars will end once I've taken over." Von Fogg responded. "Those wars have gone on for centuries. You're not very likely to stop them." La Protectora said. "That's because I haven't tried yet." Von Fogg replied. "Calm down, both of you. This is supposed to be a dignified lesson." Ms. Kyle said. Well, the rest of the lesson pretty much fell along those lines, until Ms. Kyle threatened school discipline on Von Fogg. Well, after that lesson, a UPS guy entered with a large box. "Is this the class of Ms. Christine Kyle?" He asked. "Its' Ms. Cristina Kyle, and this is the place." She said. "I've got a delivery from a Global Domination corporation." He said. He set the box down on her desk and held up a PDA device. "Sign here please." He said. Ms. Kyle did so. "What's in the box?" Suzi Fusion asked. "I'm scared to find out." Ms. Kyle replied. She opened the box to show it full of fun activity books from Global Domination corporation1. "Fun activity books?" Ms. Kyle said. "Let us see." Zodon said. Ms. Kyle reluctantly passed out the fun activity booklets. "Goodness me. This looks very serious." Suzi Fusion said. Zodon read a couple of pages in the activity book. "It's what I thought it would be." Zodon thought. "They've packed this booklet with tons of subliminal messages to buy the products of this stupid company. Well, they didn't count on matching wits with Zodon!" Zodon then smiled an evil smile. "Then again, it was like having a battle of wits with an unarmed person." La Protectora retorted.
That evening, Zodon was busy in his research area. He had used his computer to reconstruct the whole ads in the area, and it was going well. "This is perfect! In 30 minutes, I will have reprinted every ad in the school, only these ads have subliminal messages to make me the ruler of the world." He thought. "You know. This could be a wonderful start. I could replace every ad in the world with subliminal messages to make me the ruler of the world. Then nobody would stop me from ruling the world!" Zodon continued in his thoughts. After a while, Bernard came in and looked over what Zodon was doing. "What Zodon do?" Bernard asked. "Nothing your feeble mind could comprehend." Zodon replied. Bernard took this as an offense. "Bernard want to know! Bernard want to know!" He said as he jumped up and down a few times. This rattled quite a lot in the lab. Zodon had no choice but to reveal his plans. "All right, I'll tell you. I'm reproducing every ad in the school and replacing them. These ads have subliminal messages to make me ruler of the world." Zodon replied. "What subliminal?" Bernard asked. "Great. My plans may be ruined by this teepee's stupidity." Zodon said. "Bernard want to know!" Bernard snapped at Zodon. "Fine. Subliminal means that it works on an unconscious level. It's something you can't readily see." These words flew about seven miles over Bernard's head. "What that mean? Bernard not understand!" Bernard said angrily. "All right, come with me and I'll show you." Zodon said. Zodon led Bernard out of the area. They were in the hallway and Bernard stopped. "Tell Bernard now!" Bernard said. "Well, this is something that's going to be difficult for you to understand. There are things that your mind can see but you don't notice, and that is the subliminal." Zodon said. Bernard was getting very frustrated now. "Bernard still not understand! Bernard getting angry!" Bernard said as he jumped up and down again. At this point Hershel entered, and tried to calm Bernard down. "Bernard! You're making the seismometers go off the scale! Stop jumping up and down!" Hershel said. Bernard stopped jumping up and down. "What is seismometers?" Bernard asked. "Oh great. Here we go again." Zodon said…
The next morning Zodon had finished putting up all the ads when the others came in. "Why are you here early, Zodon?" Ms. Kyle asked. "Well… I was doing some research for the upcoming science project." Zodon said. "Well then, let's get started with today's lesson." Ms. Kyle said. The lesson involved physics with radiometers. Unfortunately, the prepackaged lesson came from a window manufacturer who used it to try to convince children that they need windows from this company. Ms. Kyle didn't realize that at first when she started reading from the teacher's manual that came with it. After a while of reading the booklet, Ms. Kyle got wind of what was going on through her students. "Ms. Kyle; does this mean that we have to buy these windows or our education will suffer?" Guardian Angel asked. Ms. Kyle held her hand to her face in frustration. "No, you don't have to buy these windows to make your education better. However, I really don't think you should be dependent on a company for your education." She said. "Who do we blame for this?" Captain Clarinet asked. "George W. Bush and his 'no child left behind' policy." Zodon said. "He's almost as evil as I am." Ms. Kyle was a bit distressed by this. "What are you talking about? He's the leader of our country. He's not a bad man." Ms. Kyle said. "Oh yea? Tell that to the ranchers in Wyoming." Zodon responded. "Because of Bush's environmentally wasteful policies, several of them have found themselves without any way to support themselves. Thanks to Bush slashing the Department of Agriculture's budget, mad cow disease was detected in a steer after it was slaughtered, and caused a big scare. It could have been prevented." Zodon said. Ms. Kyle realized she was fighting a losing battle, but couldn't stop this. "Come on, he's done a lot of good for people. He liberated a country from a brutally repressive dictator." She said. "Yea, and plundered its wealth infrastructure so that the majority of people are worse off than before. The place is in a state of near anarchy." Zodon replied. "He led us through one of our darkest hours, the events of September 11th." Ms. Kyle replied. "And turned public opinion in other countries from very favorable for us into very unfavorable for us. Thanks to him, we're the most hated nation on earth." Zodon said. "I don't think I could have done any better." Frustration was coming through loud and clear from Ms. Kyle. "Not only that, his tax restructuring has robbed from the poor and given to the rich. It's trickle down economics in disguise." Zodon said. "I give up." Ms. Kyle said. "Hey, so have the masses. That makes it much easier for guys like me to take over." Von Fogg butted in. "You mean when I take over." Zodon said. "Here we go again." Suzi Fusion said.
At gym class, the students were instructed by Coach Krutz to run laps around the school. "We're not going to bash on the robots today?" Emerald Gauntlet asked. "I'm afraid the budget will no longer allow us to bash robots." Krutz responded. Emerald Gauntlet was a bit disheartened; it was one of his favorite things to do. In fact, all the kids could do that day were run laps around the school and a few calisthenics. "Still think George W. Bush's ideas are great?" La Protectora asked Zodon in a semi-mocking tone. "Hey, I'm not the one who was supposed to oversee about $1.1 trillion dollars of defense budget that magically vanished." 4 Zodon said. "If all this is happening as you say, why are people letting him get away with it?" Suzi Fusion asked. "Oh, that's because everything is kept under a blanket of secrecy. You'd have to be able to hack into the government's mainframes like I can to find this out." Zodon said. Well, at the end of gym class, the students had to go without a shower; budget cuts caused all the water to the school's gym showers to be turned off. "So we have to go around stinking up the place for the rest of the day?" La Protectora asked. "It was not my decision to make, Bonita." Coach Krutz said. "ˇSanta Maria que estupidos!" La Protectora shouted. She stormed off and went back to her dorm room to shower. "Let her go." Coach Krutz said.
After school again, the faculty members gathered in the teacher's lounge again. "Things have gone from bad to worse." Cranston said. "They've cut our budget again." Everyone else was shocked beyond belief. "AGAIN?!" They shouted in unison. "That does it! I want to speak to these people who are slashing our budget! Congress is jeopardizing the future of superheroes everywhere!" Ms. Kyle said. "It's not them. It's George W. Bush's Department of Education. They say they need the money for rebuilding Iraq." Cranston said. "I don't have a choice in the matter. Everyone, including me, is going to have to take a pay cut. I'm being hit the worst, however. My salary is going down from $35K to $19K a year. I've managed to keep the pay cuts for everyone to $15K a year." Everyone was completely aghast at this. "$15K a year? I could make more money being a Wal-Mart cashier!" Spell Syrin said. "I know, I know. The school board says that they're working on the problem. They've contemplated imposing a local school district income tax as a temporary, stopgap measure." Cranston replied. "Teachers would be exempt from it, mainly because they would fall into the 0% tax bracket."
That evening, Captain Clarinet was at home and talked with his parents about what was going on at PS238. "Dad, the school is going through some very bad financial hard times." He said. "They've cut the budget dramatically, and now the school is plastered with ads for everything from zit cream to hot dogs." Captain Clarinet's father, the superhero Atlas, was not particularly amused by the situation. "What do you mean they cut the budget? I had a promise from George W. Bush himself that the school's budget wouldn't be cut!" Atlas said. "Well, today in gym we didn't have our usual robot-bashing training exercise. We had to run around the school grounds and do a few calisthenics instead." Captain Clarinet responded. Atlas gritted his teeth at Captain Clarinet. "I saw to it that several wealthy people each endowed the school with one million dollars each. This is how the president repays us, hmm? Well, I think it's time we have a chat with the president." Atlas said. After dinner, he switched into his uniform and flew off for Washington, D.C.
The next morning before school Cranston gathered the teachers in for their meeting. "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, nobody here is getting a pay cut." He started. Everyone seemed a bit relieved at that, but they were still apprehensive about the situation. "What's the bad news?" Ms. Kyle asked. "The way the school board decided to pay for it is to have some Hollywood types film a documentary about the school." He said. "That doesn't sound too bad. They just come in, make a few interviews and they go." Hershel said. "That's not the way it works. They're going to be here seven weeks just to set things up. Then they're going to film another three months." Cranston said. "In other words, they're going to turn this place into a disaster area." Spell Syrin said. "Unfortunately, I don’t think we have any options here." Cranston replied. "Well, we've got to make the best of what the school board throws at us." Ms. Kyle said. "Don't worry, they promised to be minimally intrusive as possible." Cranston replied. Of course, that's like telling an elephant to tap dance quietly…
The next day, Vincent Von Fogg had an evil smile on his face. "Ah, little do people know my plan." He thought. "This one is just so simple, yet so evil. I can't help but think that this could be the best plan in the world." He said. What he had done is this: He replaced the normal activity books with ones of his creation. The ones of his creation, of course, were chock full of subliminal messages. These subliminal messages indoctrinated the reader to believe that Zodon should be the rightful ruler of the world. Well, class met and unfortunately for Von Fogg, Ms. Kyle spoke. "Everyone, we've been given new activity books. Please pass in your activity books and I'll pass out the new ones." She said. "What?! I worked long and hard on this plan!" Von Fogg thought. He was naturally upset that his plan to take over was ruined by corporate America. The school passed out new activity books that were full of subliminal messages to indoctrinate these kids to buy certain products. "They stole my idea!" Von Fogg shouted. "What are you talking about?" Ms. Kyle asked. "Erm… uh… nothing." Von Fogg said. "You put something into those other fun activity books, didn't you?" La Protectora asked. "No! What would give you that idea?" Von Fogg asked. "Please, let's behave here." Ms. Kyle said. "Now, we're going to try to do this activity book here…" She passed out some different activity books that talked about cute barnyard animals.
After school the teachers gathered and were introduced to the main people of the film production company. The executive producer was a guy named Curtis Smarmy, or as everyone around him called him, Mr. Smarmy. The director was a guy named Alan Smithee2, And associate producer was named Jeff Unctuous. The three of them addressed the teachers. "All right, ladies and gentlemen, movies about metas are hot right now, and a school of meta kids sounds like a great movie. We're going to have a lot of fun filming here." Mr. Smarmy said. "Has anyone cleared this with the kids' parents?" Mr. Alloy asked. "We're on the case. Anyone that hasn't given permission by the time filming starts will have their children kept out of camera range." Cranston responded. "I hate to think what will happen here. It's going to either be all right or an unmitigated disaster." Mr. Smarmy tried to reassure Cranston. "Come on, I have lots of experience in the biz. Smithee has directed a number of movies." Smarmy said. "Which movies?" Ms. Kyle asked. "Only the best." Unctuous replied. "If he's so good, why haven't we heard of him before?" Ms. Kyle said. "Hey, you don't make a name for yourself overnight." Smarmy replied. "We'll see about this." Spell Syrin replied. Secretly, she knew of the impending disaster. However, it's like watching two trains rushing headlong towards each other; you know that a wreck will happen, but are powerless to stop it. She wasn't the only one who knew that the plate was dropping. "Does anyone else here sense a potential disaster?" Coach Krutz asked. "We all do." Spell Syrin replied. "So do you have an idea of how this will go yet?" Cranston asked. "A script? Well, we've got a couple of guys working on it." Smarmy replied. "Jill Bemas and Harry Lama4 are the best." Cranston voiced everyone's apprehensions. "What have they done?" He asked. "Well, they're mostly known for their comic books." Unctuous said. "Comic books? Wonderful. Everyone knows that those who think they can write but can't write comic books." Spell Syrin said. "What about Peter David?" Hershel said. "Who?" Spell Syrin replied. "Uh… never mind." Hershel said. "Well, just leave everything to us. You can trust us. The studio would only send the very best." Smarmy said. "Wait a minute. I thought you said this would be a documentary." Spell Syrin said. "Documentaries are a total snooze fest! That's not what the people want! They want action! They want romance! They want style! They want that je ne seis quois that only a big blockbuster film can deliver!" Smarmy replied. The school's teacher's let out a collective "Uh-oh." Smarmy wasn't amused by this. "Hey, trust me. Have I ever led you astray before?" He asked. "You've never led us anywhere before, and quite frankly, we're all very apprehensive about you leading us anywhere." Principal Cranston said.
Never the less, Smithee, Unctuous, and Smarmy (sounds like a shady law firm, doesn't it?) set things up in a spare storage room. They divided the room into quarters with each of them getting a fourth of the room for an office. The remaining quarter is where their secretary would stay. She was a pleasant looking middle-aged redheaded woman with a nice smile. She came in wearing a woman's business outfit and set up shop in the remaining quarter of the place. Her name was Ms. Ewlain, and she was usually the one who made sense out of the chaos surrounding the others. In another storage area, Jill Bemas and Harry Lama arrived and immediately set up their computers to write. Additionally, they got unlimited Internet access as well, supposedly to do research, but it was used for some very not-nice things. Fortunately, the children were barred from going into the storage areas until the filming was finished. Good thing they were, because the goings on in there shouldn't have been seen by little kids. While there were no casting couch activities, some of the language used in that area could have made a marine blush. Well, fortunately for everyone, Ms. Ewlain's spot was at the entry, and she wisely kept others out of the way of Smarmy, Unctuous, and Smithee. However, when she wasn't doing that, or doing a bunch of other things for them, Ms. Ewlain was talking to the kids and the staff. She was a friendly voice from the studio. One day after school, Ms. Kyle was in Ms. Ewlain's office. "Tell me, how do you stay sane with the bosses you have?" Ms. Kyle asked. "It's not easy, believe me. These guys are often doing silly and stupid things. I am lucky that they're really dependent on me to make things work. That assures me job security." Ms. Ewlain replied. They talked and gossiped unto the night. "So why aren't any of the hunky heroes at your school? I mean, there's Mr. Krutz, who's just a big walking pile of rocks, Hershel who's too old, and Cranston who's just too weird." Ms. Ewlain said. "Well, there's also Mr. Alloy, who's not too bad." Ms. Kyle said. "But if they chose the teachers by their looks, we'd have some buxom bleach blonde bimbo doing the teaching." Spell Syrin said. "Well, let's hope a little psychotherapy can overcome all the emotional damage inflicted by this." Ms. Ewlain added. "For us or the kids?" Ms. Kyle asked. "Both. Ms. Ewlain replied.
The next day before school, Mr. Smarmy and Unctuous gave the teachers the preliminary script. "I'm not too sure I want to read this." Spell Syrin said. "You're not alone in that." Coach Krutz replied. After about 10 minutes of reading, a shocked look overcame Ms. Kyle's face. "You want me to wear WHAT!?" Ms. Kyle asked, her anger coming through loud and clear. "Come on, this is a movie here. The audiences want three things: lots of sexual innuendos, lots of action, and lots of hot babes and hot studs in very little." Smarmy replied. "What kind of teacher in her right mind would wear a thong bikini to her job? I am supposed to be setting an example for these children, not get the boys lost in a sea of raging crushes." Ms. Kyle said. "This is just plain wrong." Spell Syrin added. "Come on, the people out there today want skin, and lots of it." Smarmy said. "I don't mean just that, it's having Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher' playing in the background. That song is absolutely obsolete." Spell Syrin retorted. "I hated it when it came out, and I still hate it now." Smarmy wasn't about to take this insult lying down. "Hey, who's the one that's been in films for more that 3 years, hmm? You just leave everything to me. Besides, we paid 15 large to use that song, and can't back out of it now." Smarmy replied. "That's precisely why I'm putting my foot down." Ms. Kyle said. "I suppose next you're going to have the kids wearing swimwear too." Alan Smithee spoke up. "We're not that crude. That's box office poison." He said. "We're going to have them in their usual super attire." They breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good to know." Spell Syrin said. "I understand your concerns. We're not here to make a documentary; we're here to sell fantasy." Smarmy said. "This is supposed to be exciting and full of action. We've got thrills, chills and romance blooming." The teachers were aghast. "Not romance between the kids, I hope." Coach Krutz said. "No, no. We're going to have Ms. Kyle have a crush on Hershel." Smithee said. "What? Hershel's old enough to be my father." Ms. Kyle said. "That's what they want, the hot blonde babe in love with the older guy." Unctuous said. "Who wants this? I sure don't." Ms. Kyle said. "That's the studio heads want." Smarmy replied. "Great. We're being sold out to some male sexist fantasy." Spell Syrin said. "I suppose you have me falling madly in love with Cranston." Unctuous merely scratched off another item on the list that was already getting thin as it was....
Two days later, Mr. Unctuous was examining the children for their on-screen potential. He was in Ms. Kyle's class at the time, and examining Captain Clarinet. "A clarinet?" Unctuous asked. "Well, I like it… I can play pretty good on it…" Captain Clarinet started. "My boy, a clarinet reeks dweeb!" Unctuous then turned to his assistant. "Get this boy a guitar or a base. Something that's great sounding." He said. The assistant went rushing off. Unctuous then turned back to Captain Clarinet. "So what's your name?" He asked. "Captain Clarinet." The captain said. "Oh, no, no, that will never do. You need a code name with more pizzazz! Something that would really capture the audience's attention." Unctuous said. "I know! We'll call you Headbanger!" Captain Clarinet looked very uneasy with this. "Well, if you really think it will work…" He said. "Of course it will work! I've been at this for a long time, you know." Unctuous replied. It was about 10 minutes later that an assistant of Unctuous returned with a guitar. Unfortunately, this guitar was larger than Captain Clarinet, and Ron had a tough time even putting the thing on. In fact, he had to fly into the air to wear it. "I think this is a little too big for me." He said. "Nonsense! You look great!" Unctuous said. "You look like the dweeb you are." Von Fogg said. "I want my clarinet back." Captain Clarinet said. "How can I be Captain Clarinet without a clarinet?" Unctuous had enough of Ron's words. "Listen to me, young man. I have been in this business longer than you've been alive. If I say kids with guitars is hot, it's hot!" Unctuous said. "This is more like a School of Schlock than a School of Rock." Zodon said. "I don't know how to play the guitar." Captain Clarinet said. "Don’t worry, we'll dub in someone else playing." Unctuous said. Captain Clarinet tried to get his hands into position for playing the guitar, but he couldn't. "Is this the only size guitars come in?" Captain Clarinet asked. "Get him something smaller." Unctuous ordered. "The only thing we've got smaller like that is a ukulele." The assistant said. "Don't argue with me! Do you want to be out on the streets and going nowhere again!?" Unctuous roared.
Well, after a while, Mr. Smarmy had looked over the kids, and decided that the focus of the film child-wise would be on Murphy. He told Unctuous about this. "Hey, great idea!" Unctuous replied. Of course, he had no clue as to which one Murphy was, but in this business, it pays to kiss up to the boss. They went and got Murphy from the rest of the class. "Good news, kid. We want you to be in the leading role of the children." Smarmy said. "Is this that film they are talking about?" Murphy asked. "Come on, kid! You'll be a child star like Frankie Muniz!" Unctuous said. "A dream within an illusion within a fantasy. Well, what is the point in adding lack of reality to our already unreal world?" Murphy asked. These words went in Smarmy's left ear and exited without stopping out Smarmy's right ear. "You like it? Great! We'll get started on this right away." Smarmy replied. Captain Clarinet could only cover her face in extreme frustration. Ms. Ewlain suggested that maybe Murphy wasn't the best choice, but as usual, her suggestions fell on deaf ears.
Well, they turned the school upside-down again, this time; they put back up the ads that had been there for only a few days beforehand. "A movie is an expensive thing to make; we've got to do something to offset that." Smarmy said. "These ads will appear on screen for only a minute or two, but they're enough to have the companies fork over lot$ of cash!" Cranston and the teachers were near mutiny at this point. "You are really starting to get on our nerves, you know." Cranston said. "Dude, trust us! We're experts in the field." Smarmy said. "You may be experts at making a film, but you are definitely not experts on how to deal with children and properly educate them." Ms. Kyle said. "That's not what we're here for. We're here for a film!" Unctuous replied. Frankly, it was like trying to argue with a brick wall. "Come on, we have a saying in Honduras. Cuando usted arguye con un tonto, el hace el mismo." La Protectora said. "What does that mean?" Cranston asked. "When you argue with a fool, he's doing the same thing." La Protectora replied. "She's got a point there." Suzi Fusion said. "Don't encourage her." Smarmy replied.
It was six weeks later and a lot of construction, destruction, and confusion later that they were ready to film. That's when Smithee came to Unctuous and Smarmy. "Good news, guys. The studio head has one of his girlfriends he wants to star in the show." Smithee said. "Which one?" Smarmy asked. "I don't know. They said she was some 19 year old bleach blonde bimbo." He replied. "That sure narrows the field down." Unctuous said sarcastically. "Come on, if the studio head likes her, she's got to be talented." Smithee said. "I know she'll be great. I just hope that she doesn't get the kids too worked up." Unctuous replied. "After all, a hot babe is sure to waken certain desires in young boys." Smarmy rolled his eyes. "Not in boys that are only 8. They think girls are icky." Smarmy replied.
"Mr. President, I have to discuss something with you." Atlas was in the oval office with the President George W. Bush. "My son tells me that you cut the funding to PS238. You promised me when the school was created that its budget would never be touched." He said. Well, George W. Bush wasn't president for nothing. "Atlas, my friend. Come on in. Now, you're worried about the budget of a school? I've said no child should be left behind." He said. "Mr. President, the future of superheroes depends on this! Superheroes helped you win the Iraq war, and it was because of this you ordered the creation of the school." Atlas said. "Well, education is very important to any child. We have to be vigilant and assure that every child has a top-notch education." George W. replied. "Do I have your word that you'll investigate this and restore PS238's budget?" Atlas said angrily. George W. Bush did what any politician would do when confronted with the same situation. He lied through his teeth. "I assure you that all attempts will be made to assure that everyone receives a quality, top-notch education." Atlas slammed his fist on the desk, causing it to shatter into tiny splinters. "You are an idiot and then some! God, I can't believe I helped you get elected! That does it, you don't have my vote or the vote of any meta in 2004!" Atlas shouted. He then stormed out of the oval office. Shortly after that, one of George W. Bush's aides came in. "Mr. President? What happened?" He asked, noting the shattered desk in many pieces on the floor. "Oh, some bleeding heart wanted me to increase educational money. I can't afford to do that now, can I?" He asked. "Well, if you do, in the future, people will be better educated, and the smarter people would be able to make our lives easier." He said. "But then our agenda wouldn't get passed. Come on, we've got to allocate more money to 'rebuild' Iraq." George W. said.
Atlas sent out a general voice/e-mail. "My fellow metas, George W. Bush has betrayed us. He has slashed the funding of PS238 without even telling us. He's diverted the funds into his 'rebuilding' of Iraq." Atlas said. "We have to act now. It is your responsibility to defeat him in the upcoming election. It's your duty as metas to assure that our children have a quality education and not be left behind." Atlas said. Well, when Atlas speaks, his fellow Metas listen. "What? That weasel! I have a good mind to tear that oily head off his body!" The meta known as Ultima said. "That guy has betrayed everyone except the very rich, who are all he thinks he needs to win." Starcrash said in her reply. Well, the metas decided to get together on this matter. "Darn that jerk. We're getting him good." Reveant replied.
Well, the filming started, and it was not pretty. The star of the film was the quintessential prima donna. She thought she could have the film on her schedule. The first day of filming, she showed up three hours late, and attired in a halter-top and a microskirt. Her roots were showing that she clearly dyed her hair blonde. Naturally, all that silicone-enhanced cleavage sent the teachers scrambling to cover up the eyes of the children. "How could you come to this place wearing that?!" Spell Syrin asked. "Hey, I'm the shtar here, I can do w-what I want." was her slurred reply. The star was also pretty wasted too. "This is going to be our star?" Spell Syrin asked. "Well, the studio wouldn't do it without her. Come on, scene 1 is ready to go." " Say, what's her name, anyway?" Ms. Kyle asked. "Call me Yubi." She slurred. "As in Yubi easy." Zodon said. "Or Yubi wasted." La Protectora added. "Children, that's enough of that." Spell Syrin said. Well, everyone but the star was ready to go. Makeup took over an hour to get her ready, and wardrobe spent another hour trying to get her to wear the spandex outfit she was supposed to wear. "I hate shpandex! It mashe me look fat!" She slurred. "Goodness. This is supposed to be the star of this movie?" Suzi Fusion asked. "It's quite obvious that she's under the influence of 3,15 bisulfainol cyclododecagon permanganate hydrochloride." Zodon said. "What's that?" Guardian Angel asked. "I believe the street name for it is sleaze." Zodon said. "Sleaze?! You let someone under the influence of an illegal drug in here?!" Ms. Kyle asked angrily. "How do you know that it's sleaze?" Captain Clarinet asked. "It's very simple. Her speech is slurred, her pupils are dilated, and her hands are twitching." Zodon said. "But the big giveaway is the way she constantly licks her lips, as if she's thirsty." Captain Clarinet was somewhat uncomfortable with this information. "Oh." He replied. "Come on, as a future hero, you should know the signs of drug addiction and who's on what." Zodon said. "It makes it easier for me to figure out how to manipulate someone." La Protectora was a bit confused. "So what does this sleaze do?" She asked. "It primarily lowers inhibitions, especially the ones related to sex." Zodon replied. "It was banned immediately after its introduction, mainly because it was said to be a potential date rape drug." Cranston briefly covered his face in frustration. "I think we should have Dr. Newby examine her." He said. "I think we should have the children leave right now." Ms. Kyle said. "Good idea. Mr. Krutz, would you lead them to the gym for a while?" Cranston asked. Coach Krutz eagerly led the children to the gym. "Why do we have to go to the gym now?" Captain Clarinet asked. "We'll tell you when you're older." Coach Krutz responded. "What I'm curious about is how you found out about this, Zodon." Suzi Fusion asked. "The Internet is a very valuable tool." Zodon said. This didn't amuse anyone on the staff. "What? I put about 10 different blocks on your PC! Four of them I invented myself!" Hershel said. "You might as well have used tissue paper to stop me." Zodon replied. "I just hope that you didn't view any of those adult sites." Ms. Kyle said. "What point is there in doing that? There's nothing you can really do with that." Zodon said.
Smarmy ignored all of this and proceeded to instruct the star. "All right, in this scene, it's your first day teaching at the school. You're going to ask Principal Cranston about your class." Smarmy said. "Hold on here. You've got a female who's barely out of her teens –" Ms. Kyle started. "Hey, I am only 19, you old bag!" Yubi replied. "Stay out of this!" Ms. Kyle snapped back at her. "You've got some 19 year old bimbo that's stoned out of her mind here starring in this film, she's barely able to walk, let alone act, what in the world are you thinking!?" Ms. Kyle asked Mr. Smarmy. "The studio wouldn't do it without her." He replied. "What kind of idiot studio head would want her to be in this film!?" Ms. Kyle asked, her rage coming through loud and clear. "One thash in love with me." Yubi slurred. Ms. Kyle couldn't believe what she heard. "You're here only because you're some studio head's lover?" She asked. "Well, one of them. He's got about six more." Hershel merely shook his head. "Wonderful. We've got Pia Zadora Junior starring in this film." He said. "Who?" Everyone asked in unison. "Pia Zadora, she made a name for herself by marrying this studio head to further her career…" Hershel started. Everyone else looked at him blankly. "Oh, never mind." He said. "Hey, sho what if he's 68? I know he'll make me a shtar." Yubi said. "You're 19 and he's 68?" Hershel said. "19 is not the age of reason."5 Ms. Kyle replied. "So, you got a sister?" Hershel asked. He couldn't quite figure out why Ms. Kyle stepped on his foot at that moment…
Well, filming got underway and the star was eager to get this over with. Everyone wanted it to end the moment it began. The school was turned pretty much upside-down. Additionally, they didn't bother to check and see if any of the teachers or students could act. They chose the ones there based on their physical appearance, and not how well they could act. Naturally, there were a few of them that couldn't act. One of the first scenes involved the star interacting with Murphy. The scene started with Murphy standing in a classroom and then Yubi came in. She was attired in a very tight spandex outfit, which showed off how much plastic surgery she had. Her body was 100% fake; wherever she could have plastic surgery, she had it. Murphy merely stared blankly into space. "Well now, whash your name?" Yubi slurred. "Call me Ishmael." Murphy read from the cue card. "Ishmael. Thash a good name, kid. You're going fart." Yubi slurred. Nearby, the others watched until the cut decision was made by Alan Smithee. Yubi merely staggered off to her room. "I don't think it's good having her under the influence of sleaze." Smithee told Unctuous. "Yea, I know, but what can we do?" Unctuous asked. "Well, it just so happens that I know a drug that can counteract it somewhat. Unfortunately it has one nasty side effect." Dr. Newby said. "Whip it up. We'll get you what you need. " Smarmy replied. " It's all in the lab. I'll need about an hour or so to whip it up." Zodon said.
In the lab about an hour later, Zodon was with Dr. Newby putting the finishing touches on the drug. "You made an uncanny and correct diagnosis of that young woman." Dr. Newby said. "Well, it was pretty obvious. I saw the stuff on a web site about drug use." Zodon said. They finally finished the drug and put it into a vial. "Ah, we're finished. Let's bring in the patient." Dr. Newby said. They brought in the star and sat her down. Dr. Newby then proceeded to try to inject her with the serum. Unfortunately, Yubi had many of the veins in her arm collapsed because of the sleaze she'd injected. They had to shoot the serum into her foot. "Let this be a warning to you, Zodon. Drugs really mess up your life." Dr. Newby said. "Yea, you can't be a great evil genius on drugs." Zodon replied.
It was the next day that everyone tried to check on Yubi. She was in a dorm room sleeping, but they woke her up. "It's time to film your role." Mr. Smarmy said. "Ugrah…" Yubi replied. "Sounds like Bernard in the morning." Hershel said. Yubi very reluctantly opened up her bloodshot eyes and looked around. "Where am I?" She asked. After an explanation of what was going on, she looked over Mr. Smarmy. "You're kidding, right? Man, that sucks on toast." Yubi said. "Come on, get ready for the day, we've got to film here." Mr. Smarmy replied. Well, about three hours later, she was ready to film. Yubi had another scene with Murphy again. "Are you ready to do this again, Murphy?" Mr. Unctuous asked him. "Ah, yet another chance to delude ourselves in our lack of reality in this existence." Murphy replied. "Is there really a need to have fantasy in a world that thrives on a reality that is not really real, or is real?" Unctuous wasn't interested in deep philosophical thinking. "Whatevah. Let's get you to makeup." Unctuous replied. Well, the filming resumed and the star was in her spandex outfit. She had trouble with the lines here and there, but Murphy performed immaculately. "Kid, you've got a future in acting if you want to do that." Mr. Smarmy said. "We are all actors, acting in a play that is this world." Murphy replied. These remarks sailed miles over Mr. Smarmy's head. "Uh… right. Well, that's a wrap, people. Let's get the next scene ready." Smarmy said.
Later on, Captain Clarinet was at home with Atlas. He showed Atlas the guitar they gave him. "Ron, what is going on here?" Atlas asked. "Well, I was at school today when that producer told me that clarinet's aren't popular. They gave me this guitar instead. I can't quite reach around it to play it." Captain Clarinet responded. "What producer?" Atlas asked. "To pay bills, they invited some Hollywood production company to film a movie at the school." Captain Clarinet said. "The school is supposed to be secret! Whose bright idea is this, anyway?" Atlas asked. "I believe the school board decided on it." Captain Clarinet responded. "I can't believe this. You loved that clarinet." Atlas said. "It was especially made for you." Captain Clarinet was nervous about this. "Well, I still have it, dad. It's just that they want me to play this guitar I can't play instead." Ron said. Atlas merely rolled his eyes. "That does it. This has gone too far now. I'm going to the school tomorrow and confront all this stupidity." Atlas said. "Dad, it's Friday. The teachers won't be at school tomorrow." Captain Clarinet said. "Oh. Well, I'll do it Monday then." Atlas replied. "Well, that's not really the worst of it all…" Atlas found the conversation very enlightening indeed…
Well, that Saturday Ms. Kyle, Spell Syrin, Dr. Newby, and Ms. Ewlain decided to spend the evening together swapping stories and talking about what was going on in their lives. "How can you put up with those guys? They've thrown things into the just plain wrong and really seem to enjoy it." Ms. Kyle asked Ms. Ewlain. "Well, basically since Bad Santa came out, there's been a trend to the 'this is just wrong' thing. I hope that it stops soon." Ms. Ewlain said. "I worry about the kids. I fear they're going to be exposed to things that they shouldn't see until they're older." Ms. Kyle said. "I have to agree. Their approach to things is going to cost us too much money." Ms. Ewlain said. "So what can we do to stop this?" Spell Syrin asked. "Well, I find the best approach is to let them go, and let them shoot themselves in the foot." Ms. Ewlain said. "Maybe, but are they going to ruin the kids before they shoot themselves in the foot?" Dr. Newby asked. "I wish I could answer that." Ms. Ewlain replied. "Well, if they cross the line, we're more than willing to put our feet down." Ms. Kyle said. "Well, you must tell me what you use on your hair, Vashti. I wish I had hair that looked that nice." Ms. Ewlain said. "I use an illusion. I'm having a very bad hair day today." Spell Syrin replied. "I wish I could do that." Ms. Ewlain said. "It might have gotten my acting career really going." Ms. Kyle smiled a bit. "Ah, fame is but a fleeting thing." She said. The four of them spent the evening together watching a chick flick on DVD at Spell Syrin's place. "You know, I don't think the guys would ever want to make a movie like this." Ms. Ewlain said. "You mean one with plot, good dialogue, and characters that are interesting?" Dr. Newby asked. "Yea. They're definitely of the mindset that stupid is better." Ms. Ewlain replied. "Well, I for one want to see the return of the intelligent movie." Ms. Kyle said. "I think we all do." Ms. Ewlain replied.
The next Monday, Zodon had gotten the video equipment and proceeded to set things up to record his message. Once he had finished this, he proceeded to record it. "Everyone watching this movie. I am Zodon, the future ruler of the earth. You will obey whatever I say without question. You will do what I want without question. I will rule the world!" Zodon said. He then stopped the tape. "Now, I merely splice that at a ratio of four frames of movie in a row to one frame of my recording, and I will have put in a subliminal message to everyone to make me the ruler of the world." He thought. However, he had still to work out how to get the original print of the film….
In Hollywood, there's an old adage. Never work with children or animals. The gang was about to find out the hard way why this was. The scene called for the kids to rescue a cute puppy from a building that was supposedly burning. In the interests of safety, they decided to forgo actual fire and use CGI to dub it in later. Well, initially they had Suzi Fusion flying up to the top of the building to rescue the dog. Meanwhile below, the other kids would be fighting the fire using their superpowers. "All right, let's get ready now. And… roll tape… action!" Smithee shouted. Unfortunately, the puppy used wasn't really trained well, and when the call for action came, it immediately left the supposedly burning building's top and ran downstairs. "Oh, cut!" Smithee said. It took four more takes to get the puppy to stay up at the top of the building. Then they had Suzi Fusion fly up to the puppy. Unfortunately, the set was composed mostly of particleboard and flammable paint. The set caught on fire due to Suzi's heat, and the kids had to really put out the fire. Captain Clarinet rescued the puppy from the really burning building. "Oops. Sorry." Suzi Fusion said. "Agh! Cut!" Smithee said. Several fire extinguishers later, the fire was put out, and so were most of the staff. "Doggie make poo pie!" Bernard shouted. He pointed to a pile of dog droppings on the ground. The puppy had done this in terror after leaving the burning building. "That's nice, Bernard. Could we allow the maintenance man to clean it up?" Ms. Kyle said. Aside, Spell Syrin and Coach Krutz looked at each other. "Man, the gag reel to this film is going to be huge." Spell Syrin said. "Well, what they can show without getting an NC-17 rating." Coach Krutz replied. "Don't remind me of that." Spell Syrin replied.
Another day, another scene. By now the star had a clear enough head that she could actually memorize lines. This really helped things, and raised some pretty low spirits. Unfortunately an unintended side effect was that she had sudden flashes of memory regained. While filming a scene with La Protectora, Captain Clarinet, and Vincent Von Fogg, the star of the show suddenly grabbed her head and had a shocked look on her face. "OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT WITH HIM!" she shouted. Smithee wasn't amused by her antics. "CUT!" He shouted. "Work with me, people. Remember your lines and try to be professional here." He added. "Oh… sorry." The star responded. "Kids, let this be a lesson to you about how bad drugs are to people." Ms. Kyle said. "You can say that again. In Honduras, we've got a lot of people doing the drug thing. It scares me deeply." La Protectora said. "Don't worry. Taking drugs is a matter of choice most of the time." Ms. Kyle said. Well, after the day ended, our heroes went to sleep and the others went away for a while.
That evening, La Protectora and Suzi Fusion were in their dorm room. "So Bonita, have you ever wanted to be an actress?" Suzi Fusion asked. "Well, not really. When I was born, it was pretty much decided that I'd be a superheroine." La Protectora said. "All this movie stuff has got me interested in a movie career. I have to wonder what it would be like to be an actress." Suzi said. "I don't know. You saw how that mujer was. I don't think I'd want to end up like her." La Protectora said. "You don't necessarily have to end up like her. I mean, there are lots of legitimate ways to get to the top." Suzi said. "Well, if I were to act, it would be on a Honduran soap opera." La Protectora said. "Soap opera? They like those in Honduras?" Suzi asked. "Sí. Much of television there is soap operas. However, I really think my talents are best used defending the weak from those that would hurt them." La Protectora said. "Glory can come from helping others, not just looking good in front of a camera."
Well, that Monday the heroes gathered around in class again. Once again, the theme of the class was teaching the kids about how things work when it comes to making a film. Jill Bemas described the creative process in making a comic book and a comic related film. "It's easy being a writer." Jill started. "You just get an idea, and then scribble it down within the framework of life." Vincent Von Fogg was not paying attention to Jill, and Ms. Kyle caught him out on that. "Vincent! Please pay attention to Ms. Bemas." Ms. Kyle said. "What is the point?" Vincent said. "It would be like learning modesty from Britney Spears." Ms. Kyle was horrified at this. "What are you talking about? Ms. Bemas is very qualified for being a teacher." Ms. Kyle said. "Really? So why was Bemas' series Marvelous City voted the worst comic book of all time? The fans of the publisher turned every issue into a fan Mystery Science Theater 3000. In fact, no critic has given any of her issues more than half a star." Vincent replied. This made Jill bet nervous. "Well, erm… I have had one or two bad issues, that's unavoidable…" She started. "One or two? Try every single one of them." Von Fogg said. "In fact, it's been said that you would never get anything published if you weren't the sister of a publisher of a major comic book company." Jill Bemas was starting to get flustered. "Look, if you think it's so easy doing this, then I'd like to see you try it! I have a degree in English, you know!" She snapped at Vincent. "Well, it certainly couldn’t be any worse than what you've done." Von Fogg said. "I suppose you'd rather have Harry Lama teaching this, right?" La Protectora said. "Six of one half a dozen of the other." Von Fogg said. "In fact, they said Harry would be the worst writer if it were not for Jill." Ms. Kyle was clearly frustrated. "Well then, pay attention to her so that you'll know what not to do." Ms. Kyle said. "I'm not interested in being a writer. I'm going to rule the world!" Vincent retorted. "Let me guess, he's not training to be Mr. Congeniality, is he?" Jill asked. "Vincent has been a bit of a problem in the past." Ms. Kyle said. "Well, my condolences to you." Jill responded. "I'm just glad he's not my real kid." Ms. Kyle said.
Well, filming resumed and Murphy had an important scene with the star of this film. The star showed up again in her usual spandex outfit. "I feel like I've swallowed a blimp." She commented. "You look fine. Just take your place for the scene." Smithee responded. "So are you ready, Murphy?" Smarmy asked. "What is true anyway? That which we see and sense can be true? Or is it something else entirely? What point does it serve going on?" Murphy asked. Smarmy looked at Unctuous with a look of extreme confusion. "What did he just say?" Smarmy asked. "I've given up trying to figure him out." Unctuous replied. "Places, everyone! Time is money here!" Smithee said. Everyone took their places and everything got set. "All right, act IV, scene VII, take 1. and… action!" The scene went off with very little problems this time. Everything went well, and there were no hitches. This made everyone wonder what was going on and why there weren't any hitches to the scene. Then disaster struck after Smithee called for a cut. Bernard suddenly crashed through a set and ran towards Ms. Kyle. "Bernard enraged!" 6 Bernard shouted. "Bernard! Calm down!" Ms. Kyle said. The set was ruined, but fortunately, wasn't needed for the rest of the film. Why was Bernard angry, you may ask? Well, he wanted to be in the film, but Smarmy and Unctuous thought that it wouldn't be good for ticket sales to have Bernard in it. "Bernard want in movie!!" He shouted. It took Ms. Kyle offering him his favorite snack to get him to leave.
It was about midway through the filming of the film that they got to a very important scene: the scene where the students and the teachers find out about the evil man trying to shut their school down. "This evil guy is named Kerry." Smarmy said. "We're going to film the big climatic scene. This is a very important part. So, let's get to it!" They all took their places and the filming began. Yubi started talking about Kerry and how Kerry wanted to ruin the school. "Kerry is a very wicked man. We have to stop him." Yubi said. "How do we do that?" Captain Clarinet asked, struggling to play his guitar at the same time. "Well, we just have to attack him and defeat his minions, then he will crumble." Yubi said. She then led the kids into the fortress of Kerry. They attacked a barrier, trying to knock it down. Murphy was trying to lead the kids in this matter. "Come on, enter this fortress of illusion within an unreality." He said. "CUT!" Smithee shouted. "Murphy! Stick to the script!" Murphy was a little confused at this. "Script? Why recite prescribed lines? What makes you think that all of what we say isn't already written by some unseen hand?" Murphy replied. "Is this kid for real?" Unctuous asked Ms. Kyle. "Yes. He's challenging you to think for a while." Spell Syrin said. "Whatevah. Come on, we're behind schedule as it is." Unctuous replied. He was the last person in the world to want to engage in deep philosophical discussions.
"I still have a problem with this script. I mean, listen to this: 'Man, that Hershel is so hot!' Who in their right mind thinks this?" Ms. Kyle said. "Everyone around here does! Come on, that writing is the best money can buy." Smarmy replied. "I think you should get a refund." Ms. Kyle retorted. "Well, if you think it's so easy, let's see you write something better!" Smarmy snapped at Ms. Kyle. "Not only will I get you something better, I will have the students write it!" Ms. Kyle said. She then stormed out of Smarmy's office and right into the office of Ms. Ewlain. "Please calm down now, Cristina." Ms. Ewlain said. "Mr. Smarmy is bound by a lot of union rules." Ms. Kyle wasn't moved by these words. "Why would the union try to sabotage this picture, or any picture for that matter?" She asked. "The lowest common denominator rules." Ms. Ewlain replied. Ms. Kyle heaved a heavy sigh. "Whatever happened to sanity? Is it too much to ask for one sane, rational thing to happen out of this?" Ms. Kyle asked. "Well... frankly, I'd have to say yes to that." Ms. Ewlain said. "Why doesn't that surprise me?" Ms. Kyle replied. "Hey, at least you got a new shopping partner out of the deal, if only temporary." Ms. Ewlain said. "Well, I really appreciate your tips on looking better, I'll admit that." Ms. Kyle replied. "But right now, that Smarmy makes my blood boil." Ms. Ewlain tried to comfort Ms. Kyle. "Don't worry. Soon, it will all be over." If only they were really that lucky at that point...
Well, into any major project comes some form of unforeseen circumstance, and shortly after the midway point, that unforeseen circumstance appeared. This came in the form of a meta parents visiting day. They would have the parents of many of the children come in and see what was going on. "We scheduled this at the beginning of the semester." Principal Cranston said. Mr. Smarmy was not happy at all by this. "What? That means we'll have to postpone everything for a day. We're going to lose money on that day!" He ranted. "The studio will have my head!" Cranston tried to calm down Smarmy, but to little avail. "Let me worry about the studio. You just try to do your best with this film." Cranston told him. "I know what I'm doing." Smarmy replied. "That's what I'm afraid of." Cranston replied.
Well, when the parents arrived, they found the school in a state of chaos. Atlas was very angry at what he saw; Captain Clarinet was holding his unwieldy guitar and having a difficult time trying to hold it, not because it was heavy, but because it was awkward. "I'm afraid to ask what's going on here." Atlas asked. Ultima and Sovereign were not amused about this scene in the least. "What's going on here? Who is this buxom blonde that reeks of having taken drugs? This is definitely not a good influence on a future powerhouse like my son!" Ultima said. "Who in the world are these two?" Mr. Smarmy asked. "They are Ultima and Sovereign, two of the members of the E.D.L." Ms. Kyle replied. "This is not what I defend freedom every day for! I can't believe that we've had this happen!" Sovereign said. That's when Atlas butted in. "Didn't you get my message?" He asked. "We've been out on a mission in outer space. I haven't had time to check my holomail." Ultima said. After explaining what has transpired, Ultima and Sovereign were frustrated and angry. "I can't believe that my hard-earned tax dollars go to pay for this disaster." Sovereign said. "Look on the bright side. At least your name won't appear in the credits of this film." Ms. Kyle replied. "I definitely must put my foot down here. Where is Cranston?" Sovereign asked. "I'm afraid he's at a meeting with the school board right now." Ms. Kyle responded. "Well, we're going to have a little chat with him when he returns." Ultima responded. "I'd hate to be in Cranston's shoes when he gets back." Spell Syrin said.
"What in the name of higher education are you doing to my child!!?" Ultima shouted at Cranston. Alfred Cranston didn't need this at this moment; the meeting with the school board was pretty rough, as the school board was told overwhelmingly that the people didn't want an income tax to support the schools. They were forced to shut another school down and move the students into already overcrowded classes. "Believe me, this mess is not of my own choosing. I'm a bit player in this theater of the extremely absurd just like you are." Cranston responded. "We were getting enough money from the federal and state governments, but budget cuts on both levels have forced us to make some extremely difficult choices." Ultima and Sovereign were not happy about this situation. "I can't believe this. We could have put our child in the UK's meta child program, but we decided to come here. Not only have you exposed my child to nasty things in producing a silly film, you still haven't found a way to manifest his meta powers!" Sovereign said. Cranston held his forehead in his hand, signifying the severe headache he had. "Believe me, we're working on the money situation to solve it. As for Tyler's superhuman powers, we still need your consent to examine him. Dr. Newby needs to have an exact genetic blueprint to find out how to best manifest his meta powers." Cranston said. "That is unnecessary. Tyler will be very powerful someday." Ultima said. Out of frustration, they stormed out of the place. "Come on, darling. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall." Sovereign said.
Just when you thought things couldn't get worse, they do. In the offices of Smarmy, Unctuous, and Smithee, Ms. Ewlain was busy typing away at something. Then the problem surfaced. A call to her showed that there was not a payment made to one of the improvements to the school. There wasn't a specific mention of who should pay for it in the contract, and it was a case of finger pointing. The school said the movie company should pay for it, and the movie company said that the school should pay for it. Ewlain conferenced in Principal Cranston and they talked. While most problems were very difficult to solve, this one was pretty easy. Ewlain agreed to have the movie people pay for the problem. Of course, when Unctuous found out about this, he was not happy. Ewlain said that Smarmy had approved it. Well, after a bit of argument, Unctuous gave in.
"Mr. Vice president, I must put my foot down!" Ultima said. George Bush denied one of his most ardent supporters time; which was very unusual. Dick Cheney was present. However, the words went in one ear and out the other non-stop. "You have slashed the budget to PS238 so much that the students' education is suffering too much! Our son cannot possibly protect the future with an inferior education." Sovereign added. Since Atlas had left the Bush camp, the Republicans decided to abandon all metas all together. "We didn't endorse you in 2000 for this! You were supposed to be on our side!" Ultima said. Cheney responded with a bunch of useless blather and said a whole lot without actually saying anything at all. The more Cheney talked, the angrier Ultima and Sovereign got. "I can't believe you! Have you lost all sanity in this world? You know, if we do not properly educate metas, they turn evil! Do you really want all the metas in the world to be evil 20 years from now?" Ultima asked. Unfortunately, they didn't take into account that chances are, with Cheney's tenuous health, he won't be around then. The blather continued and the anger grew worse. Finally, Ultima had enough, and slammed the fist on Cheney's desk. This caused the desk to shatter into hundreds of pieces. "You are an uncaring, self-centered idiot!" Ultima shouted. Sovereign had to pull Ultima back, and the secret service stood between Ultima and Cheney. "Come on, darling. Let's get out of here. There's no use casting our pearls before this swine." Sovereign said. The two of them left, and Cheney breathed a sigh of relief. "George had better know what he's doing. Come on, I've got another conflict of interest hunting trip with justice Scalia." 7 Cheney said.
Meanwhile, filming continued with Yubi and Ms. Kyle. They were talking to each other. "Say, I notice you've been sweet on that janitor guy." Yubi said. "Hershel? Well, he's nice…" Ms. Kyle said. "You do like him! I knew it!" Yubi replied. Deep inside, Ms. Kyle was pretty disgusted with the matter; after all, Hershel was still technically married. Well, the show must go on, as they say. "All right, I am. So what? He's a nice guy." Ms. Kyle replied. "Well, why don't you tell him you like him?" Yubi said. "He's just so handsome… I… I can't do this. This is just sick." Ms. Kyle said. "Cut! Cristina! That's not in the script!" Alan Smithee said. "I don't care. I can't do this. This is just too wrong." Ms. Kyle said. "Get someone else to do this." Smarmy and Smithee rolled their eyes. "Fine. We'll have someone else do it." Smarmy replied.
At long last the film was finished. "Well, it's been a long, tough, torturous process, but we've finally got our final print." Mr. Smarmy announced. "Well, we've decided to cut the scene where the kids rescue the puppy from the burning building. It just doesn't fit in with the rest of the film." He said. "What? No, you've got to keep that scene!" Zodon said. "Why? You hated filming it." Ms. Kyle said. "It's just a crucial part of the film. The cute puppy is sure to win over a bunch of fans!" Zodon said, thinking fast on his feet. "A puppy you tried to pull the tail of, if memory serves." Ms. Kyle retorted. "Or maybe there's another reason you want that scene left in." La Protectora said. "What are you thinking?" Ms. Kyle asked. "I think Zodon has used that scene to hatch one of his loco plots to take over the world." La Protectora said. Zodon realized that he had been found out. "This stinks! Apartment it!" Zodon shouted. "Someone is always trying to ruin my hacienda plans!" He continued to rant. "Uh-oh. I feel a song coming on from him. Hold your ears." Captain Clarinet said. "I saw the worst bands of my generation/ applied by magic marker to drywall/ I should be allowed to shoot my mouth off/ I should have a call in show/ I should be allowed to glue my poster/ I should be allowed to think!" Zodon sang, in his usual out of tune voice. "Subliminal messages to make you our leader will never work, Zodon." Ms. Kyle said. "You've been very naughty, Zodon. I'm afraid we're going to have to send you to the school disciplinarian." Principal Cranston said. "He just got a collection of Whoops! It was rated one of the worst TV shows of all time. This scheme of yours has warranted the Clockwork Orange treatment."
Thus later the school disciplinarian had Zodon's chair moored in front of the TV. His eyes were held open with clips and the school disciplinarian applied a tear-like solution to Zodon's eyes to keep them moist. Zodon got a full, uninterrupted view of the entire run of Whoops! "Ye gods! I never thought I'd see something worse than The Facts of Life!" Zodon said shortly before his mind shut down to prevent being turned into a vegetable. As for the film on PS238 itself, the studio saw it, and decided immediately to shelf it forever. "This is the kind of movie that would have appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000." The studio head said. "I really need to give that girl acting lessons. Well, after she pleases me again." Fortunately, all contracts fulfilled, and PS238 had enough money to continue until the end of the year. "Let's hope nothing this stupid ever happens again." Cranston said.
--End--
1 Sadly based on a true story. Global Domination Corporation is a major, fortune 500 company that shall remain nameless. *coughkraftcough* (Whoa… got to take that allergy medication again…)
2 Yes, the author is aware of who Alan Smithee is. Alan Smithee was the one registered pseudonym with the director's guild. Usually, the name was used in one of three cases:
a. The director wasn't a member of the director's guild at the time, and needed to use the pseudonym.
b. The director felt that his/her artistic work was compromised, and thus asked that his/her name be removed. (An example of this is the video version of Dune.)
c. The movie was just so bad that the director asked that his/her name be removed.
Guess which category this one falls into…
3 "Let's hope these guys have a good sense of humor and don't take us to court." – The Dead Milkmen, "Bitchin' Camero," 1985.
4 The actual estimates of this amount vary from $61 billion to $1.1 trillion.
5 Apologies to the Old 97's. (But hey, I met Rhett Miller once down in Deep Ellum, back when he was playing his guitar for change on the streets. He's a nice guy.)
6. We don't want any copyright infringement lawsuits now, do we? J I've already hacked off too many people as it is.
7 True story. Cheney took Scalia hunting in
Louisiana while having the Halliburton mess in front of the Supreme Court.
Scalia refused to disqualify himself.