Nodwick's
adversaries: Find Me a New God
By Quamp
Note: This fan fic does NOT have Nodwick or any of his friends in it. It is based on the Evil cleric, the evil mage, and evil warrior from the Nodwick comic book. It takes place between Nodwick #2 and #3.
"AH! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!" The evil cleric shouted. She was still covered in smiley faces. "I can't That shrimp destroyed my spell book! I don't have another here!" The evil mage said. The evil cleric was furiously picking at the smiley faces, but for every one she removed, a new one would take its place. "Get me a dispel scroll right now!" The evil cleric shouted. "We ran out. I'd have to go to the store to get more." The evil mage said. "Do it!" She shouted. He raced off and the evil cleric was left in her misery. "Curse that midget and her nice-nice ways." She thought. "I will not rest until she has paid for what she has done." A while later, the evil mage reentered with a scroll. "Here we go, I've got a scroll of dispelling." He said. After casting the spell, the smiley faces came off when picked off. It took the evil cleric about 15 minutes to pick off all the smiley faces. "I hate that goody-goody cleric. If I see her again, I will cast the foulest curse I can ever muster on her." She said.
Well, after she picked all the smiley faces off of her, the evil mage and cleric took stock of their situation. "Curse those adventurers. We're sure to be out of favor with our deity." The evil cleric said. "Yea, losing my spell book is sure to make me unwelcome in the eyes of my deity." The evil mage said. "But we still have a problem. We're short one person." He said. "Yea, what happened to our warrior?" The evil cleric asked. The evil mage read over his apprentice spell book. "I had the location spell in my other spell book. Hmm… I'm going to have to get this spell in town again too." He said. After all, his apprentice spell book had only the basic spells in it. Well, together they went to town and bought another scroll. Unfortunately, by now their funds were getting seriously depleted. After transcribing the spell, the evil mage cast the spell, trying to find their warrior. He was in the scroll shop at the time when he cast it. "Ah, our friend is about 12 miles to the east." The evil mage said. "That's not a good sign." The scroll shop owner said. "That's where the lair of the pit fiend of Doggeranth lives." The scroll shop owner said. "Pit fiend of Doggeranth?" The evil cleric asked. "It's a very nasty class twenty pit fiend. It's been known to swallow level 20 mages in one gulp." The scroll shop owner said. "A single warrior doesn't stand much of a chance." The two of them thought for a moment. "Well, we'd best go get him now." The evil mage said.
A short journey later, the evil cleric and evil mage were at
the pit of Doggernath. They looked the pit over, and then tried to formulate a
plan. "How are we supposed to get our warrior back from that pit
monster?" The evil cleric asked. Suddenly the pit monster spat out their
dead comrade, and the armor and corpse landed in pieces at their feet. "BLEAUGH! That guy tasted awful! Someone tell him
to bathe more often!" The pit monster roared. Translated, it was
this: "BLEAUGH! That guy tasted awful!
Someone tell him to bathe
more often!" Translated into English, it was this: "BLEAUGH! That guy tasted awful! Someone tell him to bathe more often!" The evil cleric and mage looked at each other. "Well, I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth." The evil mage said. They gathered up the parts of the warrior and headed back to their headquarters. "I hope we've got all his parts." The evil mage said.
Well, back at their place, they reassembled their warrior. Fortunately, all the pieces were there. "Thank the demons. I would hate to have to go back to that pit monster." The evil cleric said. "That place smelled bad." The mage thought for a moment. "Problem. We don't have the power to resurrect our warrior." The evil mage said. "Oh dear. What are we going to do now?" The evil cleric asked. "Well, we've got to find some evil deity that will grant us the power to resurrect our fallen friend here." The evil mage said. The evil cleric tried to resurrect the evil warrior with what little power she had left. Unfortunately, the best she could do was put the warrior back together with some evil bailing wire. This unfortunately did not bring the evil warrior back to life. "Dang! There's one of those parts that I can't figure out where it goes." The evil cleric said. This was really frustrating to her; after all, she prided herself on being one of the best evil clerics in the region. Well, as bad luck for them would have it, the evil cleric looked over her reference book on anatomy. "Oh, so that's where it goes." She said. She then stuck the part back into the evil warrior and tried again. However, she was not powerful enough to do the job herself, and called upon her deity to help. That's when the deity appeared. "You. You're that cleric that I saw wearing smiley faces all over her!" it said. "Forgive me. I was the victim of a good cleric's spell. She was much more powerful than I." The evil cleric said. "No excuses! I don't employ losers! You have lost favor with me. Your friend can stay in hell and rot there for all I care!" The evil deity said. "Please, we were outclassed and outmatched." The evil mage said. "You. You had your spell book destroyed because of some stupid song." The deity said. "You are out of favor with me as well. Good bye and good riddance." The deity said as it vanished.
Well, this left the evil cleric and evil mage in a quandary. They had to resurrect their friend, but they didn't have the power to do that. "What are we going to do?" The evil mage asked. "I see only one alternative. We've got to find ourselves a new patron evil deity." The evil cleric responded. However, there were a whole myriad of evil Gods and evil demons that were more than eager to have a mage and cleric join their ranks. The evil cleric and mage knew they had to step carefully; after all, being evil meant you had to be vulnerable to the double cross. After some research, they narrowed the field down to about 10 of them. They invited these 10 evil deities and demons to come to their place and help them resurrect their friend.
Big mistake.
They initially came in all at the same time and ordered the evil cleric and mage to join them. These recruiters turned on each other, and 5 of them knocked out the other 5 before order was restored. The evil cleric and mage ordered all of them to leave and come in one at a time. So they did this, albeit very reluctantly.
"I represent the god Exposeios." The man said. He then entered, and was attired only in a well-placed sock. The evil mage and cleric were aghast to say the least. "Eeuu. Put some clothes on." The evil cleric said, wincing and turning her head away. "My God is the god of pleasure and hedonism. We're always looking for those who are open-minded." The man said. "GET OUT OF HERE!" The evil mage said. "Come on, I haven't shown you the new t-back uniform for our female worshipers." He said. "LEAVE!!" The evil cleric and evil mage said in unison. The minion of Exposeios left. "Well, it's your loss." He said. After he left, the evil cleric and mage looked at each other. "By the Gods that was awful. I think I'd rather hear a chorus of 'I Write the Spells' than see that guy again." The evil mage said. "He was just so tiny." The evil cleric said. The evil mage looked confused. "Erm... are you supposed to know something like that?" He asked. The evil cleric was taken aback. "Erm... never mind..." She said. They then asked for the next follower to enter.
The next leader was just plain evil. He reeked evil from all pores of his body. "I am Rumsfeldias, the leader of the cult of Bushinus." He said. "We have power the likes of which you can only dream of." The evil cleric and mage looked him over. "Say, why isn't Bushinus here like scheduled?" The evil mage said. "Oh, he decided to take a last-minute vacation." Rumsfeldias replied. "Can you help us resurrect our friend here?" The evil cleric asked. "Friend? Who needs friends when you've got lots of gold! Why, I bet right now you'd love to have a shiny diamond necklace around your neck." Rumsfeldias replied. "Gold is nice, but we want our friend back too." The evil mage said. "What do you do?" The evil cleric asked. "We have rigged elections to make sure we rule, and have plundered the treasury of the realm. We've got the realm thinking that there are enemies all over the place, and that terror is the rule. We have laid waste to the environment in places, given large amounts of wealth to the already wealthy at the expense of the poor, and convinced everyone that what we're doing is the right thing. We've even invaded a tin pot dictator's country that's rich in wealth, and turned it into a state of anarchy. We've managed to use Enronis-like accounting practices to make over one trillion gold pieces magically vanish from the books and appear in the bank accounts of defense contracting CEOs. Join us and I can get you two ambassadorships to some backwater, third world country that hates us." Rumsfeldias added. The evil cleric and evil mage were truly horrified. "Hey, there are some forms of evil that are so foul and despicable that we won't touch them." The evil cleric said. "Come on, we need another hot babe to espouse our ways. Condalia's not getting any younger." Rumsfeldias said. "Your kind of evil is the kind that will wreck the world. What kind of person would want to rule a dead world?" The evil mage asked. "Hmph. Well, it's your loss. We're gearing up for four more years of this." Rumsfeldias said. After he left, the evil mage and evil cleric looked at each other. "That guy scares me big time." The evil cleric said. "Same here. I think we'd best move to another kingdom." The evil mage said.
"Bewhar ze powur of ze dart wun! If you do nut jawn ze dart wun, you wull diee!" The next assistant said. She entered wearing a spandex outfit that looked like someone had cut rubber gaskets out of. "What did you say?" The Evil mage asked. "Ze dart wun ees awl parful! You weel jawn ze dart wun or die!" The evil cleric and mage looked at each other. "Can you cast a spell of translation on her?" The evil cleric asked. "If I had my usual spell book, I could. My apprentice book doesn't have that spell though." The evil mage responded. "Ze dart wun weel leed us awl. Ze dart wun is parful." The assistant said. "Let's start with the basics. Who are you and who do you represent?" The evil cleric asked. "I am Vahleria, and I rupresunt ze dart wun." Valeria said. "Bart gun?" The evil mage asked. "Ze dart wun!" Valeria snapped back. "Mark pun?" The evil cleric asked. "Ze dart wun has no time for edeuts!" Valeria said, getting angry. She came up to the evil cleric and got face-to-face with her. "Ze dart wun can rool ze world! Jawn us or die!" Valeria shouted. "Get to the point. Can you help us resurrect our friend here?" The evil cleric asked. "I geev up. You ahr dewumed to dahe." Valeria said as she stormed off. "Did you understand a single word she said?" The evil mage asked. "No." The evil cleric responded.
"With me you should come! Space we have for you! Use you we can to inflict severe evil upon the world!" The next person bellowed. He was, of course, the chief assistant to Kra'delahg-Yant. "So who do you represent and why should we worship that deity?" The evil mage asked. "Why, represent the great 23 eared demon Kra'delahg-Yant I do!" The chief assistant said. "Powerful is Kra'delahg-Yant! Enriched your lives will be! Plenty of evil we have for both of you!" The evil cleric and evil mage looked at each other. "If your demon has 23 ears, why are you shouting all the time?" The evil cleric asked. "Hey, help it I cannot if he's a big fan of Crossbows and Roses." The chief assistant said. "So what kind of evil do you do?" The evil mage asked. "Well, taken over have we the temple of St. Lebling, turning it into our home." He explained. "Loot and pillage the countryside around the area we will. Rumors we have heard of a spell of doubling in a monastery." The chief assistant said. "Guarded well it is. However, with your help, take the spell we will! Then cast it will we upon your enchanted objects." The evil cleric and mage thought for a moment. "If we join your cult, does that mean we have to talk the weird way you do?" The evil cleric asked. "Weird? Talk I do not weird! Come, offer do I a chance of a lifetime! Worship Kra'delahg-Yant you should!" The chief assistant retorted. "Can you help us resurrect or friend here?" The evil cleric asked. "Well… help we cannot, for Kra'delahg-Yant has not the power to resurrect." The chief assistant replied. "I've heard enough. Get out of here." The evil mage said. "Fools are you! Well, when the spell of doubling is in our hands, come not to cry to us!" He bellowed as he left.
The next one they found was a demon known as Manos. It's representative, a guy known only as The Master came to them. "Come! You will worship Manos with me!" He bellowed in an authoritative voice. The evil cleric and mage merely rolled their eyes at him. "So what can you do for us?" The evil cleric asked. "You will make a fine wife for me and bear children for the glory of Manos!" The evil cleric was revolted. "Look 'master,' I am not interested in having kids. I want to inflict evil on the world, but that is a stupid kind of evil." She said. It was at that point the Master's assistant, Torgo staggered in. Torgo was immediately smitten with the evil cleric, who was very turned off. "ShE iS a BeAuTiFuL oNe, YeS…" Torgo said. "Stop! She is mine, Torgo!" The master bellowed. "BuT mAsTeR, yOu HaVe So MaNy WiVeS… tHiS oNe, ThIs OnE iS mInE!" Torgo said. "I'm not about to be either of your pet things. Get out of here now." The evil cleric said. The master then tried to cast a spell on them, but the evil mage quickly erected a shield and blocked it. The evil mage then banished them into another realm. "I sentence you two idiots to live in the worst 1960's B-movie ever!" The evil mage shouted. The Master and Torgo were banished forever to that world. "By the demons, that guy was just stupid." The evil cleric said.
At last, a demon named Baphuma'al appeared. He handed the cleric some papers. The first read: "Come and worship me." The cleric and mage looked over Baphuma'al. "I sense great evil from you." The evil cleric said. The next note read: "Well, for me to grant you the power you want, you must do a task for me." The evil mage and cleric looked at each other, then Baphuma'al.
"We'll do what you want, my lord." The evil cleric said. Suddenly a statue of a henchman appeared. Baphuma'al wrote another note that read: "Some idiot gave this to me to try to gain favor in a battle. Do something terribly evil with it." After that, Baphuma'al vanished, leaving the evil cleric and evil mage confused. "What are we supposed to do with a statue of a henchman that's so evil?" The evil mage said. "Well, we're saddled with it now." The evil cleric said. They put the statue into a rented cart and left their home, heading towards the city. Once there, they found out that the henchman games are coming up soon. Both of them smiled. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" They said…
The rest of the story, you know already.
--End--