Original by Peter Milligan
MiST by the Icehole
Songs referenced in this work in order of appearance: Take it Easy by the Eagles, Come Out and Play by the Offspring, I'm Coming Home by Tim Curry (from the Rocky Horror Picture Show,) Accuracy by the Cure, an Untitled Celibate Rifles song, Girlfriend in a Coma by the Smiths, That Was Then, This is Now by the Monkees, The Message by Grandmaster Flash, Thick as Thieves by the Jam, Arkansas Family Reunion by Ralph Morriseaux, I Don't Believe You by Bob Dylan, a 1970's commercial jingle for La Choy Chinese Food, Push It by Garbage, Fingertips by They Might Be Giants, Who's Gonna Run with the Wild Horses by U2, Rated X by Pat Benetar (a parody thereof,) A Clash song whose name escapes me, No Sign by the Celibate Rifles, Just Another Day by Oingo Boingo, It's the End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine) by R.E.M., They're Coming to Take Me Away, ha-ha! By Napoleon XIV, Disrespect Revenge by? and Stay Away by Nirvana.
(Opening credits. Deep INIT Bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are there. Tom has a clipboard stuck to his non-functioning hand.)
Tom: Mike! Angel! You've got to sign my petition!
Mike: What petition is that?
Tom: I'm trying to make Deep INIT station the 51st U.S. state.
Crow: That way, we'd have some protection against Pearl.
Mike: Well, let me see this…
(Mike takes the clipboard, and reads it.)
Mike (reading): I, Mike Nelson, agree to stop making the bots do chores around the station and to increase their allowance? (Grimaces): Nice try, guys.
Big John: I told you it wouldn't work.
Tom: Well, you can't blame us for trying.
(Commercial sign comes on.)
Mike: We're going to have to have a little talk here, Tom.
Tom: Well, I'm sorry…
Crow: Oh look, we've got commercial sign.
Angel: We'll be right back.
(Commercials. More and more garbage crammed down your throats. When we come back, same scene.)
Mike: Well Tom, if you need an increase in your allowance, you should get a job.
Tom: But how can I? My arms don't work and I don't have any legs.
Angel: You could do voice-overs for companies.
(Mads light comes on.)
Tom: Well, I don't have experience in that…
Big John: Ah, she who must be obeyed is calling.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is sitting in a reclining chair, reading a romance novel. She then notices that she's being watched, and hides the book.)
Pearl: Ah! Don't do that to me, Smelson!
(Deep INIT.)
Mike: But Pearl, you called us.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Don't argue with me! Well, it's time to fry that puny little mind of yours. We have another really, really bad piece of media for you.
(The doorbell rings.)
Pearl (Annoyed): Now what?! (shouting to the door) Come in!
(Torgo's theme starts up. After that Ortega from TISCTSLABMUZ enters. After that, Torgo staggers in.)
Torgo: ArE yOu PeArL FoRrEsTeR? We'D LiKe To TaLk To YoU aBoUt YoUr AsSiStAnTs….
Pearl: What?
Torgo: We'Re HeRe fOr BoBo aNd ThE ObSeRvEr…
(Pearl turns around, and shouts.)
Pearl: BOBO! BRAIN GUY! GET IN HERE NOW!
(Bobo and Brain guy enter from the opposite direction that Pearl is looking.)
Bobo: You bellowed, lawgiver?
(Pearl is someone startled, but turns around.)
Pearl: What are these two ugly, smelly men doing in my castle?
Torgo: We'Re HeRe FrOm ThE SeCoNd BaNaNa'S GuIlD.
Pearl: Second banana's guild?
Bobo: Oh, I completely forgot about that! Our
second banana's guild membership is up for renewal.
Brain Guy: Our second banana's guild membership is up
for renewal!? Bobo, why didn't you tell me about this!?
(He concentrates.)
Bobo: Well, it just slipped my mind…
Brain Guy: Oh, I am nowhere near ready for a second
banana's guild inspection.
(Brain Guy rushes
off.)
Torgo: We'Ll TaLk To YoU FiRsT, BoBo.
(Bobo, Ortega and Torgo exit.)
Pearl: Whatever! (To Mike) Well, anyway, you're still getting this week's stinkburger.
(She holds up a copy of X-Statix #1.)
Pearl: It used to be called X-Force, but now it's called X-Statix. They changed the name, but they didn't change the lack of quality. Enjoy!
(Deep INIT. Mike, Angel and the bots look at each other.)
Mike: Second Banana's guild?
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit.)
>Giant Size X-Statix
All (Unenthusiastically, like Monty Python): Yea.
>30 big pages
Mike: So how big is the usual comic book?
Tom: 30 pages. 8 of them are ads.
>Senses-shattering 1st
issue!
Mike: So what sense do you think they'll shatter?
Crow: Oh, the usual ones… boredom, stupidity…
.(Picture of the X-Statix coming out
of the picture of the old X-Force.)
Tom: Gee, a parody of Giant-sized X-Men #1.
Crow: As if that hasn't been done umpteen million times.
Angel: Just why did they change the name anyway?
Crow: Well, you see, Marvel instituted a policy of not paying royalties to anyone who isn't currently working for them. Therefore, many characters have had to have their stuff changed. It's the same reason Deadpool is now Agent X, and Cable is X-Soldier.
>Caption: I might hate this.
All: We hate it already!
>And I might hate them.
Angel: Eugh. That guy's fighting people by puking on them.
Big John: Well, I certainly wouldn't mind being that guy getting hit by U-Go Girl.
Mike: You would.
>If we're really being honest
here,
Tom: I want the truth!
Crow: You can't handle the truth!
>and I hope we are, I started to
love the new X-Force,
All: Well, you're alone in that opinion!
>even though their high mortality
rate did unsettle my bowls.
>And now they go and change
the whole thing.
Tom: They change it because sales are sagging.
Crow: Never you mind the one thing that people want from Marvel is the one thing they're not giving them – continuity.
>If that was all they'd done I
might be able to forgive them.
>But they've done the unforgivable.
Crow: No! No! Not more convoluted plotlines and throwing away all semblance of continuity!
Mike: Easy. Crow. We defeated a lot of bad things, we can defeat this.
>They've killed the best
of them.
Angel: Best X-Force character? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?
>I mean, how do those people
expect us fans to react?
Tom: Well, judging by what they do, I'd say they're trying to elicit disgust, apathy and moving away from the comic book.
>I've got more reason than most
to lament the passing of Edie Sawyer.
Big John: What? They've offed the only halfway decent character in the series? Just like Marvel!
Crow: You shouldn't be surprised.
>See, though we never actually
met, we had a kind of relationship.
All: STALKING!
>This sounds a little weird, but in
many ways, Edie was my first girl.
Angel: They never met, but he still had her?
Crow: Logic is useless here, Angel.
>Let's put it this way:
Tom: Let's not.
>apart from my mother, she was
the first girl to speak to me nicely.
(Mike makes an L with his finger and thumb, and then puts this symbol on his forehead.)
Crow: She was the only woman in the world who didn't care enough to hate you.
>As though she gave a damn
about me.
Tom: Well, if women don't like you, then that should tell you something about yourself.
>As though she wouldn't rather
jump into a pit of snakes than talk to me.
Angel: I can understand why.
>I'll always love her for that.
Mike: Knowing her, it was probably some recorded electronic voice thing.
>And maybe I'll always hate Guy
Smith and the rest of his relaunched, newly-minted mutants for letting her die.
Crow: Man-don't-you-hate-it-when-they-use-unnecessary-hyphens?
Mike: Here's a better reason for hating him: He's a LAME-O!!
>Mother: Arnie? Dinner's ready.
Tom: I hope it's not roast beef again. I couldn't eat it; it'd be like an old friend to me.
>This is my mother. I love
her too, but not how I love Edie.
Angel (as the mother): Arnie? Have you gotten a job yet like I asked?
Big John (as Arnie): Well ma, I put out some résumés today…
>Mother: It's your favorite.
Crow: Stuffing instead of potatoes? Mother, I love you!
>Arnie: What's that?
Mike: Your favorite, you know, the one you like.
>Arnie's mother: I… I forget.
Tom: You forgot to pay your taxes?
Crow (as Steve Martin): Well, excuuuuuse me!!
>Arnie: Then how do you know it's
my favorite?
Angel: It's the only thing I can make that you don't immediately throw into the floor and stomp on.
>Arnie's mother: It's fish pie. I've
made you fish pie.
Big John: Aw mom! You never take the scales off the fish! It stinks!
>Arnie: My favorite!
>I'll just turn off the projector
and I'll be right down.
Mike: Take your time.
>Arnie's mother: What… projector?
>Caption: Then again, in some
uncanny way, she and Edie are linked.
Tom: A mind link?
Crow: I wouldn't want to know.
>See, my mother gave me life…
Angel: Using that term as loosely as possible.
>Arnie's mother: Oh, sure. the projector.
You run down and I'll it off and then we can have dinner.
>It's your favorite.
Big John: In case you missed me saying that UPTEEN million times already!
>Caption: … and Edie Sawyer saved
my life.
Mike: Why is beyond me.
>Caption: Edie Sawyer saved my
life.
All: We heard that already!!
>I know it. I can't forget it… I
can't forget her. I can't….
Mike: Look, she's pushing up daises in the Marvel universe. Just wait until she gets resurrected.
>Anarchist: What the hell are you
doin', Guy?
Crow: He's following the will of the fans and getting himself killed like he should!
>I know this is just a TV filler
but you could still get yourself killed.
Angel: Yes! Get him killed! It'll be the best thing for these losers.
>Or is that what you want?
Mike: Well, it's what the fans want.
Big John: Since when has Marvel ever actually listened to the fans?
>Orphan: Take it easy, man.
Tom (sings): Take it easy/ Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy…
>I'm just showboating for the cameras.
Crow: Now make sure you get my good side!
>Caption: Truth is…
Angel: Subjective?
Mike: You're a loser and you deserve to die?
Big John: You're actually going to die so you can be with U-Go Girl?
Tom: Well, if he does die, it would certainly help the series.
Crow: Truth? You can't handle the truth!
>There's something wrong with my
head.
Angel: It's called being a loser.
>Maybe I'm going mad.
Big John: Oh no! A 'dark' Orphan!
Tom: Like anything could be an improvement on this character.
>But I can't tell Tike Alicar
or anyone else about it.
Crow: Sure, hold it all inside, go stark raving mad so we can throw you into an institution and NOT DEAL WITH YOU ANYMORE!
>Because if they know I'm insane,
they'll probably drop me, team captain or no team captain.
Mike: And… how is this a bad thing?
>And this is all I have left now.
Angel: Well, you should start preparing your résumé now.
>Anarchist: Just wondering if
holding a gun to you r head every morning and pulling the trigger ain't giving
you a big enough kick no more.
Big John: Man, what some people have to do to wake up in the morning…
Crow (as the Orphan): I'm just not a morning person!
>Orphan: That Russian Roulette
story is just media hype, Tike.
Mike: It was a silly rumor started by a bunch of fans whom WANTED IT TO COME TRUE!
>So shut up about it. There's
nothing remotely suicidal or screwed-up about Guy Smith.
Tom: That, of course, is the other Guy Smith, who lives comfortably in Longview, Texas with his wife and two kids. He has a nice, steady job working for the city of Longview. This bozo, however, is messed up beyond hope.
>Now let's go! Whatever's
happened, we're still X-Force.
All: What about the name change!?
>Anarchist: Ah… actually, Guy… we
ain't…
>We ain't X-Force anymore.
Big John: Don't you just love this guy's good grammar? Ain't is a contraction of am not.
>Orphan: Did I say X-Force? I
meant…
Angel: X-Losers?
Crow: X-Stupidity?
Tom: Stop! We already did this one before.
Mike (as the Orphan): Damn! I flubbed a line on camera! This is live, so we can't go back and fix it.
>Damn… what are we called now?
>Dead Girl: X-Statix
All (unenthusiastically): Yea…
>Vivsector: It was you who wanted
that name, Guy. And you still
haven't given me a satisfactory definition of what the word means.
Big John: And you're still starting sentences with a conjunction DESPITE having a Harvard education!
>Title: Good Omens
Tom: Are not found here.
>Part One: Edie Sawyer Saved My
Life
Angel: If you want to use that term very loosely.
>Phat: Who care what it means…
as long as it looks good.
Crow: Sounds like Marvel's philosophy towards all their comics.
>Voice: Can't we just watch their
show-reels like usual?
Mike (as a random X-Statixer): But they all show my bad side!
>I want to see all of the new
recruits in the flesh.
>Sign: Freeman nstruction ta
Monica Div.
Big John: Oh look, they're tearing off the Orphan's room and making room for someone decent.
Tom: Apparently, they couldn't afford a co or a san.
>Orphan: After what happened with
The Spike, we've gotta choose our next two members well.
Angel: Well, be ready for a disappointment.
Crow: Don't worry, we've got a hefty amount of losers who will be in X-Force.
>We'll go to the training camp in
Nevada tomorrow morning.
Mike: It's next to Reno. We'll be gambling and visiting the whorehouses before watching these losers perform.
>Phat: Can't do tomorrow.
Big John (as Phat): My short attention span only lets me live 30 seconds into the future!
>I'm launching a new range of
weight-watching products. Phat no more.
Angel: That's a bit like having Crystal Gayle tout Rogaine.
>Vivisector: And I'm
booked to have a TV debate about the role of fiction in a fictive world with Umberto
Eco.
Crow: He still can't stop starting his sentences with a conjunction. I'm beginning to think Mr. Harvard education here is about to wash out!
>Caption: We are the X-Statix.
We changed our name from X-Force because
Tom: Marvel's being cheap.
>legally it wasn't ours, which
meant our owner had to kind of lease the name, at some cost.
Crow: Cheapness comes in many forms, and stupidity goes hand in hand with it…
>Orphan: Okay. Day after
tomorrow.
>Dead Girl: I'm supposed to be
doing a promo for a Cryogenics research lab in Napa.
Mike: Freeze your butt off so we can profit for it.
>Orphan: Cryogenics can wait,
Dead Girl. But I can't wait any longer to get the team to full strength.
Angel: Well, the easiest way for you to do that is to quit.
Big John: Say, I dropped the soap here… Dead Girl, can you pick it up for me?
Mike & Angel (Simultaneously): Big John!
>Anarchist: Right… the merchandising department don't know who to put on trading cards and posters and all the other junk.
Tom: What kind of a loser showers with his eyeglasses on?
Crow: Someone who doesn't know that people take their glasses off when they shower!
>Think of all the dough X-Statix
Inc. is losing.
Mike: All one cent of it?
Angel: That’s a rather liberal estimate.
>Dead Girl: It's strange that you
adopt such a high-minded attitude…
Big John: Yea, you black people aren't supposed to be all about money!
>when everyone knows that the
Anarchist cashes in on his fame more than any of us.
Tom (as Dead Girl): God, I can't believe I went out with you!
>Caption: Tike Alicar, aka the Anarchist. Dead Girl. Former name unknown.
Crow: Sentence fragments. Piling up.
>Anarchist: Wow! She's
actually talking to me.
Mike: I thought the Orphan was the big loser here.
Angel: They're all big losers, Mike.
>Dead Girl: I never had
any objection to talking to you, Tike Alicar. Just sleeping with you.
Big John (As Dead Girl): I've seen pencil stubs bigger than you!
(Mike and Angel reach over and smack Big John.)
Big John: Oh sure, blame me.
>Voice from off panel: Damn
it!
Crow: This is already damned.
>Caption: Billy-Bob Rilly, aka Phat. Myles Alfred, aka the Vivisector.
Tom: Person saying these captions, name unknown.
Mike: People who care, none.
>Phat: He was looking at
me!
Angel: Why is beyond me.
Big John (as Phat): Mommy! Make him stop looking at me!
Mike: If you kids don't start behaving right now we're turning this car around!
>Vivisector: I was looking for the soap, you idiot.
Crow: Like anyone would want to look at this Vanilla Ice wannabe.
>Phat: That ain't where the soap's kept, man!
Tom: Don't you just love the good grammar here?
>Caption: And me.
Mike: Captain loser.
>The one who's going to of this mind but can't talk about it.
Big John: Have you tried psychotherapy? Wait a minute… never mind.
>Orphan: Guys… if you can't
behave,
Crow: We're going to have you killed off!
Angel: No big loss there.
>I'm going to have to insist on separate shower arrangements.
Big John: And then you won't be able to drool over Dead Girl's body.
>Vivisector: That suits me fine…
Tom (as Vivisector): Because I'm sick of having to look at this Vanilla Ice wannabe!
>If he's going to force
his newly recovered heterosexuality down our throats.
(The bots make dog barking sounds and cat hisses.)
>Caption: We might not be your average team of mutant superheroes.
Mike: Let's see here… you're a bunch of losers that keep getting killed off… that pretty much sums up every team out there.
Crow: Except Young Justice.
Mike: Who?
Tom: Young Justice, you know, Peter David writing, Todd Nauck drawing…
Mike: Guys, the only time I read comic books is in the theater.
>But if you want a team that represents the commercialized, globalized, brand-obsessed world in which we live…
Angel: Look right here for a bad example of one!
>You don't have to look any
further than…
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Commercials, we have plenty of crap crammed down your throat. After we come back, DEEP INIT Bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are standing around the place.)
Mike: So let me get this straight. Marvel's not giving the fans the one thing they want.
Crow: That's pretty much right.
Big John: Never you mind that rule #1 of good business management is to give the customer what they want.
(Mads light comes on.)
Angel: No wonder we've been busy with all these comic books…
Tom: Uh-oh. The Harpy's calling.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is standing in the living room. Nearby, Torgo and Ortega are standing.)
Pearl: Mike, the castle's been turned upside-down here. Bobo's been talking to these two losers and Brain Guy's been running around like a chicken with his head cut off… not only that, one of them keeps trying to fondle my hair. What can I do here?
(Torgo staggers over to Pearl. Frustrated, she goes up to him.)
Pearl: What do you want now?
Torgo: We ArE AlMoSt FiNiShEd… We HaVe OnE mOrE pErSoN cOmInG…
Pearl: Whatever. (to Mike.) Hey Nelsum, did I say you could take a break? Get back in the theater now!
(Deep INIT bridge. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We have comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>(Scene changes to stage. We see
the word "O-Force" against the background.)
>Man: Welcome to another episode
of the show that's sweeping America!
Crow: The Adventures of Broom man!
>Where you the viewer vote for the newest, freshest, most freedom-loving and democratic super hero team around…
Tom: But we were supposed to vote for leader of Young Justice, not a new member!
Crow: I really wanted Superboy to get it. It's a shame he didn't.
Tom: I wanted Robin.
Big John: I think Empress should have gotten it.
Crow and Tom (Simultaneously): Empress!? Are you out of your mind!?
Tom: She wasn't even nominated!
Big John: Rule #3 of politics: The ones who want the power the most deserve it the least.
Angel: Well, I for one am glad that Wonder Girl won.
Mike: You read comic books?
Angel: Only Young Justice and Strangers in Paradise. They're the only two really worth reading.
Crow: You like Strangers in Paradise?
Tom: Paradise Too is much better.
Mike: Guys, we've gotten off on a tangent here.
>My name is Solomon O'Sullivan
and I will be your host for tonight
Mike: So he's Jewish and Irish at the same time.
>as another four hopefuls try to get you to exercise your franchise in their direction.
Big John: Go for the babe with the biggest –
Angel: Big John!
>And now let's meet tonight's mutants!
All: Let's not!
>Overkill!
Tom: Ah! It's Mr. B Natural's offspring!
>Orchid!
Crow: Looks like the She-Hulk fought Plantman and lost.
>Optoman!
Mike: So what kind of superpowers does Optoman have?
Angel: I don't want to know…
>Ozone!
Big John: Funny, I don't see a hole in him…
>Caption: Current standings:
>Oink 7%
Tom: The guy who can communicate with farm animals.
>Orbit 14%
Crow: Who can make weird looking spheres appear over his head.
>Ooze 9%
Mike: Who can live in any kind of filth you can imagine.
>Obituary 16%
Angel: He can read the papers completely without getting bored.
>Oracle 8%
Big John: Whose power is staring at people menacingly.
>Ocelot 11%
Tom: His power is to make hair grow anywhere on his body.
>Orifice 3%
Crow: He can make people's faces turn sideways.
>Ocean 22%
Big John: See? They gave it to the one with the biggest –
(Mike and Angel reach over and slap Big John.)
Big John: OW! Come on, I'm just telling it like it is.
>Disembodied voice: Look at those bozos! How can they call themselves a super hero team!
Angel: Well, they make the X-Statix look good in comparison.
>Should get sued for defamation
of character.
Mike: Yea, that She-Hulk clone looks really lame.
>Caption: Even the suit created
for me by Professor Xavier – which helps me control my super-sensitivity – I
can almost taste their sweaty excitement.
Tom: And man, it tastes awful.
>How do they get off on this?
Mike: Don't even think about trying this one.
Big John: Ya vo, mein fürher!
>These guys, who constantly risk
death and mutilation for real…
Crow: Erm… that pretty much describes you.
>… getting hooked by a
saccharined imitation of their own lives.
>Anarchist: That Optoman is a
bed-wetter. Ya can see it, man.
Tom (as the Anarchist): He ain't black like me so he's gotta be a bed wetter!
>Vivisector: I believe he's
lulling the others into a false sense of security.
>Phat: My @$$.
>Caption: I thought I was the one
who was losing his mind.
Angel: You'd lose your own head if it weren't attached!
>Spike: The O-Force.
That's catchy.
Mike (as Spike): We should have changed our name to that.
>Jeez, the last thing we need is more good guys.
Crow (as Spike): Because they'd show just how LAME we are.
>Super-villains and evil
megomaniacs I can deal with…
Tom (as Spike): Because I'm one of them…
>But good guys…
>Orphan: Don't think we've got too
much to worry about with the O-Force, Spike.
Angel (as the Orphan): Because they're just as lame as we are!
Big John: Makes you wonder if Marvel could create a halfway decent character anymore.
Crow: I’d have to go with no on that one.
>Spike: Maybe… but it would
really help if you made sure that Venus Dee Milo was one of our new
recruits.
Mike: They want a statue with no arms to be in this gang of losers?
Tom: Well, a statue would have more personality than these losers.
>With Edie gone, God rest
her, we could do with an injection of sex appeal.
Angel: Well, the first thing you can do is get rid of the Orphan there. He's about as appealing as Jesse Helms is.
>Dead Girl: Thank you very much.
All: You're not welcome!
>Someone: No disrespect, Dead Girl.
Tom (sings): Hey! Are you disrespecting me/ Don't you know/
Crow (sings): You gotta keep 'em separated…
>But you…
Big John: Make Rosanne and Rosie O'Donnel look like a supermodel in comparison!
>let's say you're…
Mike: Lame?
Angel: Stupid?
Crow: Idiotic?
Tom: Frightening?
Big John: Disgusting?
>Let's say
All: Nothing else, hopefully!
>we need someone with a little
more… mainstream appeal.
Mike: Well, judging by the picture on the cover, I'd say a girl with black spots for arms will really appeal to the masses.
>Venus is supposed to be
Angel: The second planet from the sun. It's roughly the same size as the earth, and unlike the other planets, it rotates in a clockwise fashion.
>a real babe, Guy. Who knows… it
might help you get over Edie…
Crow: Yes, another woman falls helplessly in love with the lame-o. More evidence that this jerk is a Mary Sue.
>Anarchist: Hey, Overkill
has made Optoman cry!
All: Who cares?
>Knew those freaky eyes had to be
god for somthin'!
Tom: Other than looking like an idiot?
>Orphan: That would be great for publicity, wouldn't it? Heart-broken Guy Smith finding love again in the arms of Venus.
Big John (as the Orphan): But I'm a loser and a geek so she wouldn't fall in love wit me!
>Well, forget it, Spike. I'm
interested. Not if she's the most beautiful woman in the world…
Mike: Well, if she were the most beautiful woman in the world, she wouldn't be in this comic book!
>Caption: Which she probably is…
>Venus Dee Milo: Hello, Guy, I'm
Venus Dee Milo.
All (monotone, like in an A.A. meeting): Hi Venus Dee Milo.
>Can I say that…
Angel: You want out now? Can't say I blame you.
>Orphan: Haven't got time for pleasantries, Dee Milo.
Crow (old man voice): That's the problem with you kids today. You never stop and take the time to get to know each other!
>If you’ve got something to say, save it for the interview.
Tom: Gee, just take out all your frustrations on the new member.
>And in case Spice Freeman has
lead you to believe otherwise,
Big John: We are a bunch of lame-os who have a life span shorter than a mayfly!
>your inclusion in X-For… X-Statix
is still a long way from certain…
Angel (as Venus): Man, if everyone's going to be rude to me, I'm leaving now!
>Venus: What was that all about?
Mike: It was his turn be the pretentiously angst-ridden one this week.
Crow: You know famous people, they've all got those superinflated egos.
>Anarchist: Don't take it personally.
Tom: Guy's abusive to all women. He thinks living in the 1950's is the way to go.
>Guy has kinda let all this superstar crap go to his sensitive little head.
Big John: Sounds like someone's angling for love here.
Angel: He'll strike out as much as you do, Big John.
>Whereas good ol' Tike Alicar…
Mike: Now there's a contradiction of terms.
>Well, he's remained a man of
the people.
Crow (as the Anarchist): And I hope you're be a woman of the people too!
>C'mon, I think the games are about to commence.
All: RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!
>Caption: "Look at that,
little sweetie…"
Tom: Oh, mindless violence time.
>Spike: Name's Corkscrew.
>Orphan: Yeah, I heard about him.
Big John (as Corkscrew): Whatever they said about me, it's not true! I swear it!
>Rising star of the feeder
leagues. Red for going in where it hurts.
Angel: So he likes to stick people in their pocketbooks, hmm?
>Caption: That is… where it hurts
others.
Crow: Sounds like a lawyer to me!
>Orphan: Okay. Time out!
Mike (slightly angry): Go sit in the corner for 10 minutes and think about what you've done.
Tom (whiny kid voice): Aw, daddy….
Mike: Don't give me any sass, son!
>The idea isn't to…
Big John: Well, it seems that Marvel thinks the idea isn't to produce a quality, error free comic!
Angel: That goes without saying.
>Caption: … to kill each other.
Crow: Looks like someone had a nasty case of black lung disease!
>Spike: Official line is that he died bravely during a covert operation. The public get a little queasy over training ground fatalities.
Mike: Public gets a little queasy, captain bad grammar!
>Anarchist: Go figure.
Tom: Don't tell me that you actually liked that little display of gore there.
Big John: He's just become insensitive to it all.
>Orphan: What do we do with Corkscrew?
Crow Get him a job as a wine steward!
>Spike: His personality profile
matches code x.
Angel: Code X is for extremely BAD.
>There's an outside chance that his mutant gene x has made him mentally unstable.
Tom: Oh, so he's a 'dark' character – well, he'll fit in right along with these other losers.
>Which is where Doop comes in.
Mike: They're going to cute him to death.
>Anarchist: Be careful, man. Don't know which way that Corkscrew's gonna turn.
Big John: Does anyone really care?
>Doop: (a bunch of alien symbols.)
Crow: Translation: you aren't going to get me anywhere near that psycho!
>(Everyone laughs.)
Angel: Nice to know someone's enjoying this.
Tom: Personally, I think it's kind of a psycho laugh – you know, the kind someone does before cracking up.
>Caption: For five days I see nothing but mutants.
Mike: You should get out more.
>Guys who can fly, alter molecular structures, read minds, turn themselves into vegetable matter.
Big John: Drop an and for no apparent reason…
Crow: They put it at the front of Vivisector's sentence by mistake.
>I find myself wanting to be with
some normal people.
Big John: There are normal people in the Marvel universe? That's highly surprising.
>Then I realize…
Tom (sings): I'm going home…
Crow: You're a lame-o and we're better off without you?
Mike: One can only hope, Tom.
>I don't know any normal people.
All: Technogeek!
>And how normal am I?
Angel: Well, your angst is equivalent to about 12 normal people's angst.
>A freak who's only able to
function because of a protective suit.
>That's something I have in
common with Venus Dee Milo.
Big John: See? You're on your way to becoming lovers already.
>Professor Xavier's suit enables her to control the unstable energy that makes up most of her body.
Crow: And comes in handy when she has to be seen in public.
>She uses this energy to teleport. Pin-point accuracy.
Tom (sings): Practice all day for accuracy…
>Just what the team needs.
Angel: Yes, let's replace U-Go Girl with a lame-o version of her!
>And she's more than a 'porter.
Mike: She makes these delicious cookies. You should try them sometime.
>She can use her energy as a weapon or a healing aid.
Big John: But will the HMO cover it?
>Fact is… you're pretty much per-
Crow: Perfectly lame?
Tom: Perfectly Stupid?
Angel: Perpetually dumb?
Mike: Persnickety?
Big John: Chief?
Crow: McCloud!
>The Orphan: -- Huhh?
Tom: How did that extra h get in my word?
>Edie? That can't be you…
Big John (sings): I still see her/ Walking up the staircase/I still see her/ Coming around my place/ I still see her/ Drifting into her place/ Once again…
All but Big John: HUH???
Big John: Never mind.
>This film has been shot over the
last few days… and you…
Mike: Are getting resurrected again! Ah!
>You've been dead for weeks now…
Angel: Apparently, they don't seem to stay dead very long here either.
Tom: Maybe it's the old evil twin plot!
>This has gotta stop,
All: We agree.
>Edie… before I go completely…
>Voice from off panel: …insane?
Crow (Obscenely cheerful): Don't worry. If you go insane, we'll have a dark Orphan – and that's just what this series needs, or so Marvel thinks!
>Orphan: Huh?
Mike: You know, maybe being the leader in a mutant team makes you go deaf too.
>Spike: The first sign is talking to yourself.
Angel: Then you hear voices that tell you to kill people. Do yourself a favor and follow those voices… starting with yourself.
>Maybe you should have a medical.
Tom (As the Orphan): Maybe you should have a tall, cool glass of shut the hell up!
>Put your brainbox under a microscope.
Big John: It's the only way we can see it.
>Orphan: I… I was just…
Crow: BUS-TED!
>Spike: Only kiddin' around, Guy.
Mike: You know, if I were you, I'd fire his sorry butt.
>You're saner than all of
us put together,
Angel: That's not very encouraging.
Tom: Well, he's saner than Spike there. Spike's the one that's been keeping him the leader.
>which admittedly ain't saying an awful lot.
Crow: Yo Spike, take some of your money and buy some freakin' grammar lessons!
>She looks pretty awesome up there, don’t she?
Big John: Depends on your definition of *awesome*.
>Orphan: Wh… who?
Mike: Mother Theresa! Who do you think?
>Spike: Who do you think? Venus
Dee Milo!
>Venus Dee-lightful!
Crow: Ah, so that's why he's been pushing her so much. He's slept with her!
Angel & Mike: Crow!
>Doop: (A bunch of alien symbols.)
Tom: Translation: That's the worst cliché name I've ever heard!
>Orphan: I agree with Doop. Marketing must not call her Venus Dee-Lightful. Makes her sound like a brand of ice cream.
Big John: Oh, and the Orphan is much better? Makes you sound like an Oliver Twist reject.
>Spike: Marketing? You mean….
Mike: Yes, the department that's supposed to make you look good when you're being idiots like this!
Crow: Is there a time when Marvel doesn't look like a bunch of idiots?
>Orphan: She's in.
All: Like Flynn!
>I've tried my best to find
reasons not to select her…
Angel: How about she's a lame-o rip off of U-Go Girl?
>… the only reasons I can find are bad ones.
Tom: So being a clone of U-Go Girl is a bad reason to keep her away?
>How was… Code X?
Big John: Code X means that they found another lame character to make the Orphan look good.
>Doop: (A bunch of alien symbols.)
Mike: Translation: Insert a clever remark here later.
>Orphan: Right.
>Spike: I'll call a press
conference for tomorrow. The media are going to be all over us.
Crow: Wouldn't having a bunch of people all over you be a little painful?
>Spike: It's gonna be huge.
Big John: She'ya right! Like you could have a big one!
Angel & Mike: Big John!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are standing there.)
Mike: So let me get this straight. The Orphan's only superhuman power is his hypersensitivity?
Tom: Well… yes.
Mike: That’s not very useful in a battle situation.
Crow: Well, there are tons of superpowers out there that are completely useless. Take for example Lightman. His superhuman power is to emit the glow of a 30-watt light bulb.
Angel: Well, that might be useful when you're stumbling around in the dark, but otherwise, I don't see how that could help you.
Tom: Then there's Caliptigagas, the guy with hands the size of tennis racquets.
Mike: I suppose he slapped his enemies silly.
Crow: Well no, see, his hands were so big he couldn't lift them.
(Mads light comes on.)
Angel (uneasy): Okay…
Tom: Something's going on down at the castle.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is holding her head as if to indicate that she has a major headache. Behind her, Torgo and Ortega are talking to themselves.)
Pearl: Mike, I'm going out of my mind here! Brain Guy's running around like a chicken with its head cut off, Bobo's being a total idiot as usual, ad on top of that, I have two guys from some second banana's guild here asking me questions about stuff about those two that I don't know!
Torgo: ThErE ShOuLd Be ThReE oF uS. WhErE iS tHe
ThIrD oNe?
(Ortega merely
shrugs his shoulders.)
Torgo: WeLl, YoU KnOw We CaNnOt LeAvE UnTiL sHe
CoMes…
(Enter Valeria,
dressed as she was in Robot Holocaust.)
Valeria: I am zorree I am late. Ze Dart Vun needud
me.
Pearl (confused): Huh?
Torgo: ThIs Is OuR ThIrD mEmBeR. hEr N-nAmE's
VaLeRiA.
Valeria: Dawn't tooch ze har zis time. (to Pearl) I
vant to ask you about zis Obsurvur guy…
Pearl: Whatever. (To the audience) We'll be back
after this.
(Commercials. More
crap crammed into your head to make you puke. When we come back, theater of
torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>Banner:
The X-Statix
All (Unenthusiastically, like Monty Python
again): Yea.
>Welcome Venus!
Tom: They're having a party for the second planet
from the sun?
Crow: Maybe it's the Roman goddess of love.
>Spike:
Where the hell is everyone?
Mike (like the Twilight Zone episode): Hey! Where
is everybody?
Angel: Wisely staying away from this mess.
>Sam: The
O-Force have all been elected… and there's
live coverage of their first real-life mission.
Big John: Everyone wanted to see a team other than you
people!
>A
bunch of movie stars have been kidnapped by terrorists… the O-Force have been called to help.
Tom: Watch them succeed. Every time something
like this happens, the thing that our heroes want the least happens.
>I'm Sam Geller
from X-Fan weekly. I wonder if I could ask Venus a few questions.
Crow: Here come the embarrassing sex life
questions!
>Spike?:
No you cannot. This press conference is cancelled.
Mike: How dare they show us up! We were supposed
to have our day today!
>Orphan:
Where are you guys
going?
Angel: If they had any sense, they'd leave that
team and join someone else.
>Anarchist:
Where do you think, man?
>To
find a television.
Big John: If we can't win, we'd like to see someone
else win for once!
>Voice:
Overkill goes in for the kill!
Tom: Gee, I wonder why they selected him to lead.
>Having polled
thirty percent of your votes, Overkill proves why he's the nation's favorite.
Crow: Because he's not as lame as the rest of
them.
>Reporter:
And now the weird water woman known as Ocean is attempting to hold the headway made by Overkill.
Mike: But sadly not succeeding.
Angel: Isn't that reporter worried that he might
get hurt?
>For
latecomers,
Big John: Show up on time next time!
>a number of
movie stars are being held captive in this luxurious Bel Air mansion… and only
the O-Force can save their lives…
Tom: They're doomed!
>Man:
Save their careers more like. None of those
so-called stars have had a hit in years.
Crow (obscenely cheerful): Well, in that case, let 'em rot!
>Anarchist: This is clearly a
set-up…
Mike (as a random X-Statix member): We should do something like this to make ourselves look good.
>Vivisector: Do you think the
general public will swallow it?
Angel: Well, we've endured over a year's worth of George W. Bush in the white house.
Big John: And the general public made the Spice Girls stars. With the right kind of marketing, you can turn something idiotic into a mega-cash cow!
>Caption: What do you think?
Tom: Yea, like Marvel really cares what we think.
Crow: Yea, they killed the only likable character in the whole series, and replaced her with a lame-o rip-off of her!
>I'm not sure about X–Statix.
Mike: What's not to be unsure about? They're idiots and lame-os!
>I'm even less sure about O-Force.
Big John: Is this guy sure of anything?
>To calm myself, I listen to Edie's
voice…
Crow: He's all worked up over a computer-generated recording of U-Go Girl's voice? Give me a break!
>Tape: Hi, this is Edie Sawyer.
And this is a personal message to a very special person. Arnie…
Angel (as U-Go Girl): You're a loser and a geek! Get away from me!
>Caption: She'd sent me the tape after some of the upstanding children of this upstanding town almost killed me because I had a flat head.
Big John: Dimwit Flathead?
All but Big John: WHO???
Big John: Never mind.
>An iron face.
Tom (Deep voice): I am Iron Man!
>A side winder.
Mike (Southern drawl): We don’t want no yellow-bellied sidewinders that like X-Force around these parts, mister!
>Those days lying in a coma, with
only her voice to keep me company…
Big John (sings): Girlfriend in a coma/ I know it's serious…
>Were probably the happiest of my life.
Angel: Sounds like a real loser here!
>And it was while I was in a coma
that I found something in a dark flat place inside me…
Crow: The inside of your head?
>But that was then.
Tom (sings): That was then, this is now.
>Today, I had to kill Mr. Mullen for trying to talk to a tourist.
Mike: Man, I'm glad I don't live in that town.
>This town has made my life hell.
Angel: So move already!
Big John (raps): Can't take the smog/ Can't take the noise/ Got no money to move out/ I guess I got no choice.
>Now I'm making this town hell.
Crow: Well, isn't being a town in a Marvel comic hell enough?
>The Orphan: I keep seeing her.
Tom: Ah! Vi is coming back to haunt him!
Crow (as Vi): You killed me, Tom! You killed me!
All but Crow & Tom: Huh?
Crow: We'll explain later.
>More than just imagination. It's like… someone's beaming the images into my brain.
Big John: What's even worse is that they have terrible commercials!
Crow: Oh, you mean like the sci-
(Mike clamps Crow's beak shut.)
Mike: Be nice.
>I hear her voice too. Thing is … she doesn't call me by my proper name.
Angel (as the Orphan) She keeps calling me loser and I don't understand why!
>She says she's sending this
message to a very special person…
All: Well, that rules you out!
>Arnie. Who the hell
is Arnie?
Tom: The only guy in the world that makes you look good in comparison!
>Venus: Why are you telling me this?
Crow (as Venus): I got enough problems, mister! I don't want to hear yours!
>Orphan: Because there's still time for you to walk away.
Big John (sings): You came into my life/Then like a perfect stranger/ Walked away, walked away…
>I'm going insane.
All: How can you tell?
>The rest of the team is falling apart.
Mike: Well, if you do fall apart, that's one less series Pearl has to draw from.
>You're…
Tom (as the Orphan): a woman…
Big John: Now women be different than men, y'see….
>You're too beautiful and…
Angel: I can't seem… to say a more than… a few words at a time… without ellipses in them….
>and pure to be a part of this.
Crow: I'll wager a lube job she's got a checkered past.
>Venus: That isn't the reason you don't want me in X-Statix.
Mike: Well, what's your theory, Dr. Freudette?
>Orphan: Venus, where…
Tom: Can we get some decent writing?
>Venus: Shut up.
Big John: Keep dreaming, Tom.
>This used to be my grandparents' house. When I was eleven, my mom and dad brought me and my two brothers down here to visit.
Crow (sings): It's my family reunion in spot in the road…
>and I killed them all.
Angel: Fortunately, I hired Johnny Cochran and he got me off!
>Orphan: You…
>I don't believe you.
Mike (sings): Oh it's easily done/ You just pick anyone/ And pretend that you never have met…
>Venus: Why not?
Tom (sings): La choy makes Chinese food/Swing American! Why not?
>I'm too beautiful and pure to do something like that? I got angry.
Big John: Well, they say hell hath no fury like a woman scored, but that might be taking it a little too far.
>I wanted to go out and play
instead of eating dinner…
Crow (as Venus): I wanted to watch my figure, but they insisted on eating!
>and it happened. I felt my skin start to burn. I was on fire.
Angel (sings): Push it! It's on fire…
>I screamed. The energy poured out of me.
Mike: It was one of the wildest rock shows I'd ever put on.
>And when I stopped screaming I was alone.
Tom (sings): All alone/ All alone/ All by myself.
>I'd obliterated my entire
family.
>I don't know what I'd would have
done if Professor Xavier hadn't found me and designed this suit for me.
Big John: But this color leaves much to be desired.
>It's my body now. As sensitive as skin.
Angel: Well, I guess that makes it easier for you to decide what to wear in the morning…
>Orphan: Venus… why are you telling me this?
Crow (as Venus): You mean we're not swapping secrets? Oh, I feel so red-faced…
>Venus: Because there was a lot
of talk that you didn't want me on the team and I know why.
Mike: She might actually make you look like the lame-o you are?
>You don't want me taking Edie
Sawyer's place.
Tom: Well, nobody can take U-Go Girl's place. She's a cash cow that we're going to milk until dry!
>You couldn't find a reason not
to choose me. So I'm giving you that reason. I'm giving you plenty of
reasons.
Angel (as Venus): Did I mention I'm having second thoughts here?
>Eight years of therapy.
Big John: Is about what it will take to overcome reading this.
>Four suicide attempts. Manic depression. Self-loathing. Unable to sleep without drugs to keep the nightmares away.
Crow: Can all be yours if you just get a subscription to X-Statix!
Tom: Gee, sentence fragments. I hate. Sentence fragments.
>I don't want to take Edie's place.
Angel (as Venus): Especially being your lover, lame-o!
>So if you don't want me on the
team… you got your reasons now.
>Orphan: You’ve given me all the
reasons I need…
Mike: You're off the team! I don't want people whose sources of angst are greater than mine!
>To ask you to join us.
>You'll fit in just fine.
Big John: Because we're just as screwed up as you are!
>Caption: Continued
Tom: In case this really tempted you into buying the next issue, we've got something that will make sure you run away!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Commercials. When we come back, DEEP INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots are standing around.)
Mike: You know, something I don't understand is why all superpowered people have to have a past filled with dysfunctional families, death, tragedy and the like. Why can't a superhuman have a nice, healthy family for once?
(Mads light comes on.)
Crow: Well, it would be pretty boring if we had all nice people being the heroes.
Big John: Ah, she who must be obeyed is calling.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is holding her head to indicate she has a severe headache. Nearby, Valeria is trying to talk to her.)
Valeria: I haff a few kwestuns.
Pearl: Look, I told you that I don't understand a word you're saying.
(Brain Guy rushes in, and Pearl stops him.)
Pearl: Brain Guy, I need your help here.
Brain Guy: Please, make it quick! I have a ton of stuff to do and little time to do it in!
Pearl: I can't understand a word this woman is saying. Can you throw a little translation thing on her?
Brain Guy: Oh, very well…
(Brain Guy concentrates.)
Pearl (To Valeria): Now, what are you saying here?
Valeria: I haff a few kwestins to ash.
Pearl (to Brain Guy): Why didn't that translation thing work?
Brain Guy: Hmm… well, it seems that she is speaking English with a very thick accent. I'm afraid I have to go now.
(Brain Guy rushes off.)
Pearl: Why me? I've tried to lead a perfectly evil life…
(DEEP INIT bridge.)
Crow: Well, what comes around goes around.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Art, I'm going out of my mind here! Bobo and Brain Guy have their memberships in the second banana's guild up for renewal, and it's a madhouse here. Bobo's talking to some guy from his guild, Brain Guy is running around like a chicken with its head cut off, and I'm having to talk to this woman that I can't understand at all!
(DEEP INIT bridge.)
Mike: Well, at least the experiment is over this week.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Wrong-on, Nelston! There's a little short at the end of it. Now get back in the theater!
(Deep INIT bridge. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit down.)
>Corkscrew: They're pretty.
Tom (Sings): Who's gonna run with the wild horses?
>Do you see them?
Mike: Tommy can you see me? Can you feel me near you?
>Are they the same ones as before?
Big John (sings): He's not the same man he was before/ He's not the same man ooh…
All but Big John: HUH???
Big John: Never mind.
>Maybe they're following us.
Crow: Whatever you say, Captain Paranoia.
>Nah. Why would they be following
us?
Mike: Well, I can think of a million reasons why they wouldn't follow you.
>Hi there! This is Corkscrew
and Doop lost in the forest show!
Angel: This is more like Blair Witch II than one.
>They tell me this is about
something called Code X, whatever the hell that is.
Mike: It means that you're LAME.
>Must have something to do with
me being a strong contender for the X-Statix. Maybe a kind of initiative
test.
Tom: Well, I certainly hope what happened to the Blair Witch filmmakers happens to you.
>I tried asking Doop, But
like, I ain't learned his language yet.
Big John: Ah, the Ugly American strikes again.
>He's real cute.
Crow (as Droopy): Hello all you happy people.
Mike: He looks like a green potato with arms.
>'Least I guess it's a he.
Angel (as Pat): My name is Pat euhuh…
All but Angel: Don't remind us of that one.
>Doop: (a bunch of alien symbols.)
Crow: Translation, I'm not about to tell a loser like you.
>Stan Lee Presents
Tom: Something he's very ashamed of.
>Code X
Big John (sings): Making movies/ Coded X…
>Voice: Damn that little green monster!
>Doop! Hey Doop!
>Where the hell are you?
Mike: Scooby-doo, where are you!?
Angel: Just who's talking in this panel, anyway?
Big John: The trees. Definitely the trees.
>Corkscrew: Can you believe this?
All: NO!
>Woke up and he's gone.
Angel: That should tell you something about yourself.
>Made me follow him into the
middle of this damn place and then he ups and leaves me!
Tom: Also, he apparently took away your ability to say the subject of your sentences as well.
>Or maybe he's been dragged away by a bear. Reckon there must be bears out here.
Crow: Who cares? By the end of the comic book you're going to be pushing up daises.
Mike: This has really gotten to predictable.
>Voice: They should have let me have a compass and a map at least.
Big John: There's only one direction for you, pal.
>I mean, corkscrew ain't scared of bears – grizzly, brown, or purple.
Tom (as Corkscrew): But Teddy bears… now those scare the crud out of me!
>But how am I supposed to find my way out of this place when I don't even know where I am?
Angel: You men NEVER stop and ask for directions, do you?
Mike: Come on, Angel. It was just one time….
>Hold on. I think I heard something.
>Maybe he's coming back.
Crow (sings): She ain't ever coming back….
>(Scene shows the backside of a horse.)
Big John: And now Bill Jemas with a special message for all you Marvelites out there…
>Hey Doop! That you?
Tom: I thought it was Joe Quesada.
>Where the hell you been, boy?
Mike (Bela Lugosi accent): I've been in the lab… cooking something special up for you.
>Scared me halfways to…
Crow: Idiocy? Well, that happens just by being in the Marvel Universe.
>JEEZ!
Angel (as the horse): Stop comparing my backside to Jemas! I will not have you degrade my backside like that!
>Corkscrew: Suppose you thought that was pretty smart, huh?
Big John: I found it incredibly idiotic myself.
>Running off like that, an' I
guess that was you making those…. Those noises during the night.
>Can you stop po8inting that
damned thing at me all the time?
Tom: He's going to pull a Sean Penn!
>See how you like it.
Mike: Considering how famous X-Statix is supposed to be, don't you think it would be a bad idea to be camera shy?
>Let me tell you, it takes a lot more than stupid noises in the dark to needle Corkscrew.
Crow: Looks like Doop had a little accident in its shorts here…
>Why don't you speak, anyhow?
Tom: It would be embarrassing if they found out what a potty mouth it really is.
>Even that goddamn screech you
call a language would be better than nothing.
Angel: I say settle for nothing. At least you can understand that.
>Hell with this.
Big John: I hear Dark Horse is hiring. I'm going over there!
>I ain't putting up with it no
longer. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe that's the thing.
Crow: Well, I wouldn't have put up with it this much.
>Any event…
Mike: Would be better than this.
>I'm gonna take my chances on my
own and try to get back to civilization!
>?@#$%!
Tom: We're not too crazy about you either, pal!
>Doop?
>Doop… that you?
Angel: Does anyone really care anymore?
>Thank God!
Crow: It's over now? Cool!
Mike: Not quite.
>How did you find me?
Tom: Oh, those paparazzi can find anyone, anytime, anywhere.
>Jeez, I've been wandering through
this place all night… no sign of anything but trees but…
Big John (Sings): There's no sign/ no sign/ No sign of life….
>but there's something out there,
man.
Angel: The truth is out there.
>Something moving.
Crow (sings): There's life underground/ It doesn't ever move/ It doesn't make a sound…
>Maybe it's the horses. Maybe
they are following us.
Mike: Look, GET TO THE POINT OF THIS STORY ALREADY!!
Tom: But we still have at least 3 pages to kill, Mike.
>Well, I'm kinda stuck here.
Don't wanna cut myself out in case I don myself an injury. Seem to be a
little shaky this morning.
Big John: Too much Marvel can do that to a person.
>Put that thing down and help me…
Angel: This is almost beyond help.
>Can we go home now, please, sir?
I mean… I showed you I can take the pressure.
>Please?
Crow: Well, since you asked so nicely… NO!!
>I'm talking to you, Doop!
Tom (as Doop): And I'm not listening.
>I don't care about X-Statix!
All: You're not alone in that!
>I jus' wanna go home!
Mike: Tough! We've still have more padding ahead!
>Can you hear that? Footsteps.
And… laughing. That's laughing. Right?
Big John: Cat's Laughing… f'r sure, f'r real!
>Right?
All: Right.
Crow (sings): It's the end of the world as we know it…
>Or maybe it's the wind or maybe…
Mike: This has gone on too long? I can't argue with that point.
>Maybe they're looking for us.
Tom (sings): They're coming to take me away, ha-ha! They're coming to take me away/ ho-ho/ he-he/ha-ha!
>A search party. X-Statix
themselves.
>For all I know that little devil
is just as lost as I am.
Angel: You can find yourself at the church.
>Or maybe… Maybe they're playing around with me, yeah.
Crow (as Tommy Flannagan): Yea, that's the ticket!
>That is laughing outside.
They're laughing at Corkscrew. There is no Code-X, that's just one big joke.
Big John: I don't think anyone's laughing at this point.
>No one makes fun out of
Corkscrew!
Tom: Nobody gets enjoyment out of reading this story either.
>I'll tear them up so good
they'll be laughing out of their guts!
Mike (as Doop): Shut up already. I'm trying to sleep.
>Voice: Look, I mean… I'm sorry,
I… I was…
Angel: A bit late to apologize for this mess.
Crow (with emotion): He killed Mr. Ed!!
>It was dark. They were all around me and..
Big John: Ah, excuses, excuses.
>I get like that sometimes. It's
like a trigger and…
Tom (raps): Gonna yank my chain some more/ I'll pull out my smooth bore…
>I mean, these things happen, right?
Mike: This isn't winning you points with PETA.
>And… and they were only horses.
Angel: Maybe so, but they were the best actors of this story.
>I know they were real pretty
but…
Crow (as Elmyra): I wanted to hug them and squeeze them and love them all to pieces!
>What're you doin', Doop?
Stay… stay away from me.
Big John (sings): Stay/ Stay Away/ Never change…
Tom: No! Keep away! Don't come any nearer!
>You're—
>Oh my God… what's … what are
you… you're…
Mike: Thank God! It's about time someone ended this.
Crow: Now if only they would do the same to Bill Jemas.
>Oh my God…
Angel: My voice is stuck in a loop!
Tom (sings): Here we are/Stuck in a loop again...
>AIEEEEEEE!
Big John (as Corkscrew): I'm in a Marvel comic book!
>(scene shows a mound of earth. There is an ax stuck in a stump. The ax has a blue liquid smeared on it.)
Tom: It's Carrie Nation's axe. She last hacked up some blue Curacao…
>(Doop is there. He has the same blue liquid on him and wearing an apron. He also has a small shovel in his hand.)
Crow: Line! Line please!
>Doop (a bunch of alien symbols.)
Mike: Translation: They don't pay me enough for this.
>(Doop smiles as the camera turns off.)
Angel: Nice to know someone's happy about this.
>The End.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Big John is there, standing by himself.)
Big John: Guys? Y'all, this isn't funny… Where are you? We've got a final hosting segment to do here…
(Enter Gypsy.)
Big John: Gypsy… where are the others?
(Silence.)
Big John: Come on, Gypsy… did something happen to your vocal circuitry?
(Gypsy produces an ax, holding it with her tail.)
Big John: AAAH!!
(Gypsy throws the ax past Big John and onto the floor, severing a rat in two. This makes the rat squeak in pain.)
Big John: Whew! Gypsy… are you trying to scare me?
Gypsy: (a bunch of alien symbols.)
(Mads light comes on.)
Big John: Well, frankly, everything was a failure here. Let's see what lady porky has to say.
(Castle Forrester. Bobo and Brain Guy have their fingers crossed and eyes closed as Valeria, Torgo and Ortega huddle on the other side of the room. Pearl is in the middle of this.)
Pearl: Well Spike, this is the big moment. The second bananas guild is deciding whether or not Bobo and Brain Guy can be in them anymore.
(Valeria, Torgo and Ortega break.)
Valeria: We haff dezided. Zeir memburshups are rened.
Torgo: CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS. DoN't FoRgEt YoUr DuEs ThIs MoNtH.
(Bobo and Brain Guy open their eyes, and look at each other.)
Bobo: We… got it back?
Brain Guy: YES!
Bobo: This is wonderful! We can serve you for another year, lawgiver!
Pearl: Whatever. (To Mike) Well Mike, until next time…
(Enter a deliveryman in a brown shirt and shorts. He holds a two-wheeled cart with about 5 comic book boxes on it.)
Deliveryman: I got a delivery here for a Pearl Forrester.
Pearl: That's me,
Valeria (confused): Vat iz zis?
Pearl: Oh, well, I'm trying to find the world's worst piece of media to send to Mike and the bots. So I buy a lot of comic books to keep these idiots in business. They'll manufacture it for me some day, I know. (To Bobo and Brain Guy) Get the load and put it in the wood pit. We've got more comics to burn!
Torgo: OoH… YoU aRe EvIl…
--End credits: —
Created by: Joel Hodgson
ExecutiveProducer: Jim Mallon
Producer: Kevin Murphy
Writers: Peter Milligan (original material), Icehole
Production Manager: Peter Rudrud
Art Director: Patrick Brantseg
Prop Diva: Beth "Beez" McKeever
Special Effects Make-up: Gizmos, Inc.
Controller: Tim Johnson
Info Club Poobah: Barbara Tebben
Cast:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Angel: Bridget Jones
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Big John: Quamp
Cambot: Himself
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Bobo: Kevin Murphy
Observer: Bill Corbett
Special guests:
Valeria: Beth "Beez" McKeever
Torgo: Michael J. Nelson
Ortega: Paul Chapin
Deliveryman: Patrick Brantseg
Toolmaster: Jef Maynard
Prop Diva: Beth "Beez" McKeever
Intern:
Quamp
Written on location in a sleazy bedroom in Irving, Texas.
Special thanks to: All MiSTies worldwide, The Teachers of America, everyone who's supported us through the years.
Keep circulating the tapes!
http://www.geocities.com/icehole4/ - Icehole and Quamp's tape trading site
http://www.angelfire.com/tx/noprize - The Unofficial Marvel No-prize site
http://www.geocities.com/quamp3/ - Quamp's Discount Fan Fiction site
http://on.to/empress - The Throne Room - An Empress Site
http://www.scifi.com/mst3000 - Scifi's MST3K site
http://www.mst3kinfo.com - BBI's MST3K site
Not a Best Brains Production, but something close.
Stinger: Anarchist: Whereas good old
Tike Alicar… well, he's remained a man of the people.