Original by John Frances Moore, MiST by The Icehole
MiSTer’s Note: Please be patient as the first hosting segment is kinda long, but it’s worth the wait. Admittedly I rag a lot about the bad art, and truth be told, I couldn’t do a better job. Then again, there are hundreds of artists out there who could. A lot of the fan art on the internet is much better than this art. As the song goes “So you choose to paint with music, and not with colors” I paint with words, and not color. (And yes, I’ll admit I’m not William Shakespeare. But you have to admit there are others out there even worse than me.)
Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright Best Brains, Inc. X-Force and Banshee are copyright Marvel Comics. Frito’s® corn chips are copyright Frito-Lay, Inc. (A subsidiary of PepsiCo.) Homer Simpson is copyright Gracie Films (I think.) Other identifiable references are copyright their respective owners.
Lyrics are taken from the following songs:
“All I Need” by some whiny singer, “Bedlam Boys” a traditional tune in public domain, “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison, “Carol” by Al Stewart, “Crazy” by Pylon, “Double Vision” by Forigner,“57 Channels and Nothing’s on” by Bruce Springsteen, “53rd and 3rd” and “Swallow My Pride” by the Ramones; “Heartbreak Hotel” By Elvis Presley, “I left my heart in San Francisco” by ?, “I’m an Adult Now” by the Pursuit of Happiness, “It’s Hard to Be a Folk Singer These Days” by Wally Pleasant, “Jumper” By Third Eye Blind, “Lean on Me” by ? (which is much better than the Club Neuveau version), “little america” and “Orange Crush” by R.E.M, “Nasty Habits” By Oingo Boingo, “Stand By me” By Ben E. King, “Theme to Caddyshack (I’m alright)” [sic] By Kenny Loggins, “Time (Clock of the Heart”) by Culture Club, “Thick as Thieves” by the Jam, “Tonight’s the Night” by Rod Stewart, “Turn to you” By the Go-Gos, and all are copyright their respective publishing companies. This fan fi is not for profit, and suing me would be a waste of your money.
(Deep INIT station. (INIT stands for International Intelligence Telemetry) The place is much like the Satellite of Love, with a few exceptions. Mike Nelson is lying on a bed, resting. He then wakes up.)
Mike: Uhn... what happened to me?
(Mike stands up, and looks around.)
Mike: I’m... I’m back on the Satellite of love. The whole thing about us crashing... it was a dream....
Big John:Oh no, it was real, Mike.
(Mike spins around to see Big John in several pieces.)
Big John: I really hate this. I don’t suppose you could give me a hand with some reassembly?
Mike: I think the question is should I?
(Mike takes Big John’s arm, and attaches it to his torso.)
Big John: Come on, you’ll find things very boring here without me.
Mike: I know I’m going to regret this...
(Mike reassembles Big John. This takes some considerable time, reattaching Big John’s arms and legs to his torso.)
Big John: Whew. Thanks, Mike.
Mike: What happened?
Big John: The last thing I remember was finding this really frustrated and hot brunette babe at a volleyball game and she wanted some companionship for the night. I had just finished making love with her when someone came up from behind and overloaded my circuitry. I think I might have heard Bobo’s voice in the matter screaming in pain as my circuits went offline.
(Mike and Big John walk out of the room to the bridge, where they find Crow and Tom Servo, both of whom are turned off.)
Big John: Looks like the set’s complete here...
(Mike turns on Crow while Big John turns on Tom.)
Crow: Bzzt... circuits online... man, that was nasty.
Big John: It gets worse, Crow...
(Crow and Tom look over the place.)
Tom: Where are we?
(The four of them walk around the place (with Big John carrying Tom) and find the place deserted.)
Mike: We seem to be the only ones here....
Crow: Wherever here is...
(They are stopped dead in their tracks.)
Voice: [sings] I’m sorry but this area that you’re entering is restricted/To go on I do/ Need to see your pass/
(Mike and the bots are pushed backward slightly.)
Crow: Great. Another restricted area, just like on the SOL.
Voice : Incoming communication.
(Mike and the bots head back to the main bridge.)
Big John: Maybe this will shed some light on things.
(They arrive at the main bridge. The screen comes to life, showing Pearl, an Observer, and Bobo there.)
Pearl: All right, listen up you waste of DNA!!
Tom: Her royal whininess calls.
Mike: Pearl? Where am I?
Bobo: You are in Deep INIT station, Mike. It’s a nice little place on Phobos that was abandoned some time back. We got it dirt cheap for our sinister experiment here...
Pearl: [somewhat upset at Bobo] MY sinister experiment here.
Bobo: Sorry.
Pearl: Anyway, we’ve got another wonderfully horrific piece of media for you today. A nice comic book called X-Force #91.
Mike: That’s supposed to scare me?
Observer: You’re always wanting a break from the Commission, so we thought we’d give you one.
Bobo: Not that this is any better.
(Bobo gives Pearl the comic book switch.)
Pearl: Now, let’s make him go insane here...
(Pearl throws the switch, and the comic book light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6. Theater. Mike and the bots sit.)
Mike: Courage, gang... we can make it.
>X-Force
>Siryn -- Lost in Silence.
Crow: And this somehow has made her hair turn brown.
Big John: You’ve got to watch those seagulls, Siryn.
>Caption: San Francisco.
Tom: [sings] I left my heart/ In San Francisco/
Big John: [interrupts, sings] I left my spleen/ In Kankakee/ I left my nose/ In New Orleans/ There’s parts of me/ All over the U.S.A.
Mike: That was rather disgusting, Big John.
Tom: Oh look, apparently every time someone shows San Francisco, they have to show the Golden Gate bridge. Apparently, that’s the only construction in the town...
Mike: Yea, just once I’d like to see some of the other attractions in San Francisco. Chinatown, Nob Hill, or even 3comm park or whatever they’re calling it these days.
>People travel from all over the world to stand on the golden gate bridge
Tom: And some of them walk away thinking they’ve bought it!
>and take one of the most beautiful breathtaking views on the planet.
Crow: Yea.. >Cough< all this car exhaust is making it really hard to breathe...
>To the south is the city of San Francisco itself, to the north the Marin headlands.
Big John: Hmm... I’d like to go there sometime.
Mike: Not that kind of head, Big John.
>Here you can watch the sun rise over the Oakland hills or watch it set over the Pacific.
Tom: That is, if the usual smog isn’t in the way.
>Woman: Oh, my dear lord, that girl’s climbing over the railing!
Crow: But I’ve got more important things to worry about! Someone help me find my chin!
>Man: She’s going to jump!
Tom: Well, she’ll be spared this story.
Mike: Until she gets resurrected again.
>Man: Somebody stop her!
Big John: Yea! We need more babeage in the world! If she’s depressed, I’ve got a few things to cheer her up!
Mike: Calm down, Big John.
>I don’t jump or leap. I simply step off the railing.
Crow: And then fall onto the edge of the road below!
Mike: Now I see why she wants to commit suicide.
>The worst moment is the fraction of a second when I realize there’s a huge expanse of nothing beneath my feet.
Tom: Obviously, she’s never been to Compton* at night...
>In that instant I understand how the coyote feels in the cartoon, suspended in midair, holding up a sign that says “Oops.”
Crow: Well, if I was in that situation, the sign I’d rather be holding up is “HELP!”
>It’s a seven hundred and forty-six foot drop into the water below me.
>I’ve got nowhere to go but down.
Crow: Because, after all, I’m in a bad story...
Big John: Well, just come to papa here, I’ve got something to make you go up...
Mike: Not quite...
>Now I’m nothing but dead weight....
>Falling...
>Falling...
Tom: If she ends up in Wonderland, I’m going to scream.
Crow: This guy must have taken lessons from JenX or something...
>...until I reach the inevitable conclusion.
Crow: That I’m trapped in a bad comic book and killing myself won’t help because I’ll just get resurrected again!
>Voice from off panel: Excuse me, miss.
Crow: Was it you that broke wind here?
Mike: Crow!
>Ranger: You shouldn’t lean over the railing like that.
Big John: Lean this way so everyone can look down your dress and up your skirt...
Mike: Big John!
>The winds are pretty strong today
Tom: The Oakland A’s finally won a game, and the town’s creating a lot of wind by carousing around...
>and I’d hate to see you get knocked over the side.
Big John: Me too! I’d rather see you get knocked -
Mike: [interrupts] Big John! That’s disgusting!
>You probably noticed it’s a long way down.
Tom: [as Siryn] All right, I’m jumping! If nothing else, just to get away from you!
>Caption: The ranger pitches his voice soft and low,
Crow: And it’s ball four! You get a walk!
>trying to be reassuring and caring in a crisis hotline kind of way.
Crow: (as Rodney Dangerfield) I tell ya, I don’t get any respect! I called suicide prevention, and they told me not to call back until I had done it!
>I’m sure he’s pegged me as a potential jumper, and he’s following park procedure.
Tom: [sings] I wish you’d step back from that ledge my friend/ I will understand....
>Truth is,
Crow: I’m being poorly drawn.
Mike: Truth!? You can’t handle the truth!
>I bet everyone who stands here thinks about what it would be like to take the big plunge.
Big John: Except for those No Fear types who think “You know, this would be a way cool place for a bungee jump.”
>I give the ranger a half-smile to make him believe that I’m all right.
Tom: [sings] I’m all right/ Don’t nobody worry about me...
>I’d tell him I’m depressed, not suicidal, but I can’t speak anymore.
Crow: And it’s really putting a dent in my career as a Spin Doctor...
>A psychopath sliced my throat open, shredding my larynx and severing my vocal cords.
Big John: So? Can’t you use one of those voice modulator boxes that mute people have these days?
Crow: Well, all evidence seems to indicate that the Marvel Universe doesn’t have them...
>And what’s a siren without her song?
Tom: An annoying street mime?
>Lost.
Big John: [sings] The biggest wagon/ Is the empty/ Wagon it’s the/ Noisy it’s the/ Concert of hope/ Jefferson I think we’re lost...
Crow: Lost... stuck in a sea of angst and despair... no salvation, save our riffing...
Tom: Definitely read one too many JenX fan fics.
>Serena Ruiz: Last week’s statewide power outages are being attributed to
Crow: Crystal Gale drying her hair with a blowdryer?
Tom: It’s those darned electric cars they’re pushing... someone plugged them all in at once!
>a mutant terrorist group’s attempt to restart the reactor at the Summerfield Canyon nuclear power plant.
Tom: [as a mutant terrorist] I told you we shouldn’t have hired Homer Simpson to restart the plant! We should have gotten one of those unpaid Russian workers!
>In related news, at a press conference today, Nevada senator Owen Danville announced that he will head a new government force on domestic mutant activity.
Big John: Forcing the Commission on Superhuman Activities to write more bad fan fiction!
All but Big John: Don’t even think about that!
>Danville: Given the recent U.N. decision ceding the government of Genosha to Magneto --
Tom: Us Friends of Humanity had to do something to keep our cause in the spotlight!
>-- It’s clear that the mutant population in this country poses the greatest threat to national security since the Soviet Union.
Crow: So we’re going to stockpile millions of nuclear weapons until the mutants are broke and then force them to accept capitalism just like every good American should.
Big John: If you ask me, I think it's silly that people these days are looking for new enemies to fight. The time for us vs. them is over. Now, it's time for love.
>We must determine to whom that small but unquestionably dangerous minority pledges their allengiance.
Tom: I pledge allengiance to the flag... whatever that is.
Mike: Gee, I always thought the spelling of the word was allegiance ... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one.
>Meltdown (?): Can you believe this?
Crow: That artist just photocopied the previous panel and drew the bunny slipper over it! A clear sign that he’s uncreative and behind schedule!
>The senator knows that we stopped the Armageddon Man from destroying the west coast. He was there!
Crow: A dumb plotine unravels... and you are there!
Big John: [sings] I think I’d rather be/ In the middle of the deep blue sea...
>How can he go on national t.v. and make it sound like every mutant is Magneto’s stooge?
Big John: Nyuk! Nyuk!
Mike: Cut it out you lamebrain!
Big John: Why soitenly!
>Domino (?): He’s a politician, Tabitha.
Tom: And he’s not getting my vote this November!
>They’re not concerned with the truth. All they care about is getting a soundbyte on the evening news.
Crow: After all, they’re very nutritious.
> Sunspot (?): Let’s face it, we’re never going to be handed the key to the city.
Tom: Well, not until you wash your hands first! I’ve never seen such filthy hands in my life!
>Moonstar: (?) We know, Bobby,
Tom: But I’m only in it for the money.
>but what makes it so infuriating is that we get no credit for our actions or our sacrefices.
Big John: So we’re going to have Meltdown play Monica Lewinsky with the Senator! Heck, if that old coot doesn’t want her, he’s got to be blind!
Mike: Big John!
Tom: Or just looking at this artwork.
>Proudstar: (?) Nobody knows that Theresa got her throat cut saving the world.
Crow: So how do you know this, if nobody is supposed to know it?
Tom: Apparently, he is a nobody...
>Meltdown (?): Where is Theresa anyway, James?
Crow: This comic is supposed to feature her and she’s not in it now!
Big John: Has he been reading Commission fan fics?
>I haven’t seen her all day.
Crow: [as Meltdown] But I’ve got more important things on my mind, like why did your shirt suddenly change colors, Jimmy?
>Proudstar: I took her to the throat specialist this morning.
Tom: But darnit, he just wouldn’t take our insurance!
>The prognosis wasn’t good. Apparently, Feral’s claws did a lot of damage to her voice box.
Big John: Now I can’t hear her say “Oh Jimmy, I really want yuir -”
Mike: [interrupts] Big John!
Big John: Exactly. I thought you hated my sexual riffing.
Mike: That’s not what I meant!
>The doctor said that while her larynx will heal, the scar tissue will probably be so widespread that she may never regain the use of her voice.
Tom: Well, scratch one good character from X-Force.
Big John: Shame, too. She was one of the hotter babes in the Marvel Universe. Did you see that swimsuit picture of her? It had me drooling.
>She took it pretty hard.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Oh, come on, Mike. It’s begging for -
Mike: I said don’t try it!
>Offered to keep her company, but she made it clear she wanted to be alone.
Tom: After all, you smell, Jimmy! take a bath sometime!
>Someone: Hey, what’s with the T.V?
Crow: It’s called bad writing.
Big John: [sings] 57 channels and nothing’s on/ 57 channels and nothing’s on.
>Someone else (?): Static like that can only mean one thing.
Tom: Those pesky kids hit our satellite dish again! I hate having to go up to the roof to reaim it!
Crow: It means it’s time to turn off the television and go to bed.
>Jesse Bedlam is in the house.
Tom: I thought his name was Aaronson.
Crow: His real name is Jesse Aaronson, but he goes by Jesse Bedlam.
Big John: [sings] Still I sing bonnie boys/ Bonnie mad boys/ Bedlam boys are bonnie/ For they all go bare and they live by the air/ And they want no drink nor money.
Mike: Who was that?
Big John: It’s a traditional British song, Mike. It was written in honor of the Bethlehem mental hospital in England.
>Jesse: Someone call my name?
Tom: We call and we call but they just don’t answer!
>Someone: You’re interfering with our reception again.
Tom: Here, take this old fashioned antenna and stand on the roof!
>Jesse: Sorry, guys.
Crow: We know you are, now apologize.
Tom: Well, what do you expect from the same guy who did X-Force #81?
>I got distracted
Big John: There was this picture of Siryn in -
Mike: [interrupts, coldly] A nice dress and I thought she looked pretty in it.
Big John: Man, you really know how to kill a good riff.
>and when I get distracted I loose control of the bio-electric field I generate.
Tom: In other words, they’re reashing Rogue again.
Crow: A clear sign the House of Ideas is running out of them.
>Let me tell you, it’s a drag to have a power that’s always on.
Big John: Well, if I was superhumanly resistant to injury, I think I’d want that on all the time.
Tom: Still more evidence for my rehashing Rogue theory.
>Sunspot: I was getting sick of the news anyway.
Crow: They always have that annoying little weatherman with the bow tie.** He’s so obnoxious, you know.
>Domino: Don’t tell me you’re cooking again, Jesse.
Tom: [as Random X-force member] We’re sick of bologna sandwiches and macaroni and cheese!
Crow: [as Jesse] Would you rather have that sawdust and bird stuff that Proudstar calls a macrobiotic dinner?
>Jesse: I thought I’d grill some tuna up on the roof later. I found a lemon aoili recipe I want to try out.
Tom: Oh, Terry hates fish! She’s not going to come back that way!
>Proudstar: You don’t have to cook every night, Jesse.
Crow: [as Proudstar] Besides, that stuff you cook is full of cholesterol, fat, sugar, and carcinogens.
>Meltdown: Shut up, James. We haven’t eaten this well since we left the mansion and the Beast was doing the cooking.
Tom: [as Meltdown] I’d rather have my sugar than your macrobiotic junk any day! I really enjoy being hyperactive all the time!
>Jesse: I don’t mind.
Crow: [as Jesse] You just go ahead and argue without me.
Tom: [As Jesse] Since I seem to be a token black character with minimal dialogue, I don’t get to have many opinions.
>You gave me a second chance after I stood by my brother and the hellions turn you into techno-organic zombie slaves.
Crow: Gee, techno-enhancement’s been done so much, it’s not really a new idea...
>I’m just trying to pull my own weight around here.
Crow: [as Jesse] And speaking of which, the living room looks filthy! You’re supposed to clean it, Meltdown!
Tom: [as Meltdown] I don’t do windows! That’s Moonstar’s job!
Big John: [as Moonstar] You cheap hussy! I was supposed to do the bathroom! You’re the one who’s supposed to be cleaning the windows in the living room!
Tom: [as Meltdown] Clarmont cupcake!
Big John: [as Moonstar] Shooter sleaze!***
Mike: All right, that’s enough of that.
>Proudstar: Too bad Sam’s in Kentucky visiting his mom.
Mike: Are you sure? I mean, that looks an awful lot like him there, Warpath - er, Proudstar.
Crow: Well, according to them, that’s Meltdown there...
Mike: It still looks like Cannonball.
Big John: This artist must use Kate Moss as his model for every woman. Never you mind everyone else draws those babes with big -
Mike: [interrupts] Don’t even finish that one.
>He’d be surprised at the change in Jesse.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: I give up.
>Meltdown: Mmm. Who knew such an annoying guy could be such an amazing cook?
Crow: We keep him around only because he makes the best darned lemon curry in the world!
>Moonstar: Any more groceries out in the car?”
Crow: [as Moonstar] Like my necklace? It’s made from real pink teeth!
Mike: Why is there a close quotation mark without an opening quotation mark?
Tom: Mike, Mike, Mike... what have we told you about Marvel comics?
Mike: Marvel comics means mistakes.
>Jesse: Yeah, but I met some old guy who’s bringing them in.
Crow: He bugged me and bugged me and so I’m paying him three dollars for it! Those homeless bums are really agressive about things.
Tom: Oh look, it’s Spike Lee!
Big John: [as Spike Lee] I don’t care what you think, School Daze was a great film.
> Jesse (?) He says that he’s Theresa’s pop.
Tom: He really enjoyed popping all those bubbles that came from her when she was drunk.
>Someone: He wasn’t lying! That’s Sean Cassidy the Banshee!
Crow: [as Banshee] Top ‘o the morning, to ye, lads and lassies! Faith and begorrah, it’s a token Irishman!
>Banshee: Hello, kids. Where do I put these?
Tom: [as Random X-Force woman] Put it there... ah, no, it doesn’t look good there. Move it over there.... nah, move it over there...
>Thanks for calling me, James.
Tom: [as Banshee] Although I wish you would have used 1-800-collect instead of dialing zero!
Big John: [as Banshee] Next time, don’t call me “Old man whose daughter I want to -”
Mike: [interrupts] Big John!
>When I got yuir message, I took the next plane out of Logan International.
Crow: Never you mind that I could have flown here faster myself...
>Warpath: Well, I’m glad you did, Mr. Cassidy.
Crow: Now we can have a bad Irish accent again!
>I understand a lot has changed since the Massavchusetts academy began accepting non-mutant student.
Crow: Ah, the proud graduate of the Dan Quayle school of spelling strikes again!
Tom: And the student we took turned out to be a crackhead!
>Do you know everybody here?
Big John: [as Banshee] Well, I donna want t’admit it...
>Sunspot: Aye, How could I forget a rogue’s gallery such as this one.
Mike: Since when did Sunspot have an Irish accent?
Big John: Well, first they pegged him as saying Spanish phrases when he was really Brazilian, so it’s only natural that they screw things up again.
Crow: Wait a minute. There’s no picture of Rogue there! Rip-off! Rip-off!!
Tom: Perhaps they think that mentioning a cool character will increase sales.
>Banshee: Although Bobby, Tabitha and Danielle have grown some since I first met them back when they were New Mutants
Crow: And unfortunately, they got stale, so they went into X-Force.
Tom: So that explains why they’re messing around with Moonstar’s powers...
>Domino: Aren’t you forgetting someone, Sean?
Tom: [as Banshee] Not really... I donna think that Jesse’s really worth mentioning...
>Banshee: Ye’re impatient as ever, Beatrice.
Crow: [as Domino] Yea, you took so long to get to me, the background decayed into dust!
>But I’m pleased t’see ye’re keeping better company than when we first met.
Big John: [as Banshee] Aye, that Cable lad gives me the creeps.
>Domino: I was just a naive little girl then. I didn’t know any better.
Tom: And that’s why they gave me only 1 year in juvenile hall!
>Banshee: Ye were a lot of things, girl, bit naive was never one of them.
Big John: Hey, I don’t mind a woman with experience.
Mike: Big John!
>As I recall, ye put the fear of God in half the mercenaries in Madripoor.
Crow: [as Domino] Being a street preacher part time took away too much time from my job bashing crooks! I had to give it up!
>Ah, I’d love t’ reminisce all night, but I came t’see how me daughter is holding up. Is Theresa around, then?
Tom: [as random X-Forcer] Yea, she’s just right... aw man, you let her escape!
Crow: [as different random X-Forcer] I did not let her escape you let her escape!
Mike: Let’s nip this one in the bud before it gets out of hand.
>Jesse: She’s been out all day.
Big John: Proudstar used too much chloroform!
Mike: Not quite.
>To tell the truth,
Tom: We... erm, kinda sorta somewhat lost her.
Crow: Well, she kinda sorta got her throat slashed which kinda sorta cut her vocal cords and then kinda sorta doesn’t let her speak anymore. Today we kinda sorta left her unattended and she kinda sorta got out. Follow me?
Mike: Kinda sorta.
>I’m getting kind of worried about her.
Tom:She was thinking about getting one of those nifty vocal boxes that you put to your throat which lets you talk without vocal cords. Kinda like Ned from South Park.
Big John: You know, all evidence seems to indicate that they don’t have those devices in the Marvel universe.
>I thought maybe I’d go check out some of her usual old haunts.
Crow: [as Jesse] But first I have to fix dinner for this motley crew, and Proudstar eats like a horse! I’m going to be spending several hours fixing enough for him to eat alone!
Mike: Siryn’s a ghost?
Tom: Maybe it’s the only way they could get her to be in the series.
>You’re welcome to come.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: That’s pretty disgusting, though.
>Caption: Irving street and 9th avenue.
Tom: What? No Height/Ashbury references? Come on! This is San Francisco, people!
>I headed south through the Precidio and then through the park hoping that the walk would clear my head.
Crow: [as Siryn] But these darn zits just won’t go away!
Big John: Well, I’ve got a little cure for that...
Mike: Since when has sex been a cure for acne?
Big John: Don’t underestimate the power of sex.
>It didn’t. I still feel lousy.
Mike: Don’t even think it.
Big John: Come on, just one...?
Mike: No!
>I can’t go back to the warehouse.
Tom: I lost my key again!
Crow: I lost my directions! Darnit, San Francisco is so confusing...
Big John: I’ve lost -
Mike: [interrupts] You’ve lost your mind.
>I know everyone means well, and I know they genuinely care --
Crow: But I’m not going back until they get rid of the excessive amounts of angst!
> -- but I’m feeling sorry enough.
Tom: And drawn in a sorry way.
>for myself as it is. I don’t need anyone’s pity.
Big John: What I need is a hot hunk I can -
Mike: Stop right there. Don’t finish that line.
>Everything’s changed so much from the day Cable asked me to join X-Force.
Big John: [as Siryn] We had decent writing! We had decent artists! We even had a semblance of continuity! And that’s all gone now!
>Shatterstar was still with the team. James was still Warpath. Tabitha was still Boomer.
Tom: Dani was still an Asguardian Valkerye. Domino was a prisoner of Toliver. Rictor was somewhere.
Crow: I really hate short sentences. Don’t you? It gives the work a choppy feel. Don't you agree? I hope so.
>Sam insisted on wearing those silly aviator goggles.
Crow: [as Cannonball] But Ah think Ah look cool, and Tabitha likes ‘em...
>They were angrier then.
Tom: Everyone kept trying to dis us! So we fought back.
>Everyone had a chip on their shoulder.
Crow: [as Siryn] Mine was chocolate, Shatterstar’s chip was a microchip, and Proudstar’s was a Frito’s® corn chip.
>I knew I’d have to prove myself to them.
Big John: [before Mike can say anything] Well, I’d be more than willing to let you prove something to me, babe!
Mike: Big John! Cut it out!
>I didn’t expect to find friends in the team --
Crow: But over the years, one thing lead to another, and...
Mike: Don’t finish that sentence.
>-- or someone who cared about me.
Big John: Oh, come on! Bang the bohunk!
Mike: Big John!
>None the less, James Proudstar and I grew closer.
Tom: [sings] Get a little closer/ With Arid extra dry...
>Behind the anger at his family’s death, I found a sensitive and passionate soul.
Tom: We were having a garage sale at the time.
Crow: But darnit, no matter how much we cut the price, we can’t get rid of this angst!
>Any girl would have been crazy not to fall for him.
Crow: And yet you didn’t...
>But when I saw him falling for me, I pushed him away.
Big John: Man, figures that all the really hot babes are gay.
Mike: Siryn is not gay!†
>I was afraid that if I let him get closer,
Crow: [as Siryn] He’d catch a whiff of my bad breath!
Tom: [as Siryn] He’d see the piece of spinach stuck in my teeth.
Big John: He’d find out about -
Mike: [interrupts] I don’t want to hear it, Big John.
>He’d see through the facade and learn how messed up I was.
Crow: [as Siryn] I quit the booze and drugs for him, but he went off with that hussy Risque!
Big John: [sings] All those naughty little things that we don’t discuss publicly/ Nasty habits
Mike: [interrupts] That’s enough of that, Big John.
>When I was younger, I thought that a normal life was the last thing I wanted.
Crow: [as Siryn] Now I realize that choosing the X-life was terrible! All this angst, all this misery I go through every day...
Big John: [as Siryn] And to top it all off, I never did get Jimmy in bed with me!
Mike: That’s it. You’re cleaning the solar panels again.
>School was too much work. I hungered to be free of responsibility.
Tom: Don’t be a fool, stay in school!
Big John: Sorry darling, but the man and the woman have to jointly share responsibility... otherwise, it leads to fights over who was at fault when you find out you’ve got a kid coming.
>And, yet somehow,
Crow: [as Siryn] I end up looking like Kate Moss after a heavy drinking and drug binge with red hair!
Big John: That’s definitely not the way to sell comic books, guys. We all know they’re geared to sell to horny teenagers.
>I never chose the easy path.
Mike: “There were two roads set before me, and I, I chose the one less traveled... and it has made all the difference.”
Tom: Too bad that road made you end up with this.
>Cable: Cannonball’s agreed to join the X-Men.
Big John: Good thing we’ve got some babes here to fall back on!
Mike: You know, storage room 3 could use a good scrubbing...
>I want you to take his place as deputy leader of X-Force.
Crow: You’ll get this nifty plaque and then we’ll kill you and resurrect you after 5 years as deputy leader.
>You’re going to have to work twice as hard as others
Tom: [as a slavedriver] Stroke! Stroke!
>because you’re the one they’re depending on.
Big John: [as Cable] And if you don’t do a good enough job, we’ll make a bad fan fic called “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You.”
Crow: I guess she did a bad job then.
>Siryn: I am honored.
Tom: She sure looks depressed, though.
Big John: It’s because she lost her -
Mike: [interrupts] Big John!
>Man: Hannah sweetie!
Crow: [as Hannah] Hi... um, who are you?
>When did you get back to town? I thought you moved to N.Y.C.
Tom: [as Hannah] Erm... I didn’t move, I just wanted to get away from you.
>Hannah: Didn’t work out.
Tom: They wanted too much money for the bus fare!
>It’s great to be back. I’ve run into all my old friends today...
Big John: And we want to know when you’re going to pay back all that money you owe us!
>Caption: Sometimes, I wonder if I worked harder at being a leader than I did at being a friend.
Big John: [as Siryn] And maybe I should have gone and bagged Jimmy.
>It was easier to have other people depend on me than to let myself depend on them.
Tom: [sings] Lean on me/ When you’re not strong...
>Still, being part of X-Force was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Big John: [as Siryn] Because I got to be around some hot hunks like Jimmy, Sam, and Roberto.
>I felt like I finally belonged somewhere.
Crow: [as Siryn] And they gave me medical and dental when everyone else was turning me down!
>And I liked the action.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Spoilsport.
>Theresa Roarke was a scared little girl full of insecurities and neuroses.
Tom: Then I joined X-Force and I met a bunch of people just as messed up as I am. We get along perfect now.
Crow: [sings] I’m an adult now/ I’ve got the problems of an adult on my head and my shoulders/ I’m an adult now/
>But as Siryn, I could shatter concrete
Crow: Which really came in handy when it came to the demolition work we had to do.
>and meet the Juggernaut head on.
Big John:Let’s not touch this one.
Mike: Good.
>In uniform, nothing frightened me.
Tom: Except that picture of Roseanne in a bikini.
>Now without my voice, what am I supposed to do?
Tom: You could sell the secret of how your hair changes color at random.
>Man: Hi, how’s everybody doin’ tonight?
Crow: You really don’t want to know.
>Person in audience: Get off the stage, loser.
Crow: Well, in the end, the only one who looses is the fans.
>Man: Love you, too. Mom.
Big John: You, know; I really - hate it” when they’ have _ unnecessary : punctuation don’t! you?
>Okay, as you all know, Monday is aucoustic night here at killer coffee --
Tom: Gee, I never knew there were two u’s in acoustic... I’m glad they corrected me on that one.
> -- So put your hands together for Eurydice.
Crow: It’s Jewel’s no talented evil twin sister!
>Caption: Great, that’s all I need.
Tom: [sings] All I need/ Is just a little more time/ To be sure/ What I feel/ Isn’t all in my mind.
>Coffee house folk music.
Big John: [sings] Vietnam’s just a memory/ Life’s not all it’s cracked up to be/ It’s hard to be a folk singer these days...
Mike: Who was that?
Big John: Wally Pleasant.
>Eurydice: Hey, thanks everyone for comin’ out --
Crow: And to my fan - I really love you.
Tom: [as the woman from earlier] Get of the stage, loser.
>And for those of you who just came in for a cup of joe,
Tom: We ran out, so get out of here!
>Thanks for stayin’. My name’s Eurydice.
Crow: [as Eurydice] And I’m Jewel’s evil twin sister.
Tom: I don’t know, she doesn’t look drugged up enough...
>If you like what you hear, I’ve got CD’s for sale after my set.
Crow: They’re leftover CDs from Hanson, the Spice Girls, and Brittany Spears.
>I’d like to start out with an old tune by Van Morrison.
Tom: [sings] Behind the stadium with you/ My brown-eyed girl.
>Caption: She’s got a voice like a vagabond angel, knowing and joyous at the same time.
Tom: She knows your deep dark secrets, and she’s going to blackmail you!
>So beautiful it cuts me like a knife.
Crow: She’s using a sonic scream?
>I used to be able to sing like that.
Crow: But I had a lousy agent who kept booking me in biker bars! I went horse from singing “Free Bird” all the time.
>I can’t bear to hear any more.
Mike: She wants to go deaf too?
Crow: I don’t see why.
>Van Ness Avenue and California street.
Crow: And on this site nothing important happened.
>Sunspot: Oh, man, look at the pinstripes on that suit.
Tom: I’ve never seen one with horizontal pinstripes before!
Crow: [as a little kid] Mommy mommy I want the suit! Can I have it? Huh? Can I ? Huh? Can I?
Mike: No.
Crow: [as Beaver Cleaver] Aw gee Wally, you never let me have any fun.
>That’s got to be vintage 1940’s I gotta try it on.
Big John: You know I really hate run-on sentences why don’t people use punctuation correctly?
Tom: You really want to wear something that’s older than you? Why?
>Meltdown: Bobby, we’re here looking for Theresa.
Crow: [as Meltdown] And she’s not here, so come on! I doubt she’s going to be at this hardware store, so we should try that woman’s fashion boutique. You know, the one with the really cool blue dress that flatters my eyes correctly in the window...
Tom: [as Sunspot] Darnit woman, I’m not made out of money! I can’t afford this cool power saw in the window and your shopping habits!
>I know she’s not a shop-till-you-drop kind of gal --
Crow: [as Meltdown] But I am, and this hardware is soooo boring!
> -- but she and I found a bunch of cool clothes when we first moved to the city.
Crow: [as Meltdown] And I want to go there now!
Tom: Darnit woman, I want my hardware and I want it now!
Big John: This conversation brought to you by the letters X and Y.
Mike: I wonder what they think of this script and plotline?
>Sunspot: This is so pointless, baby.
Crow: Looks like you got your answer.
>If Theresa wanted to be found she’d have called --
Tom: EXCUSE ME? She doesn’t have a voice anymore, for Pete’s sake!!
Crow: *SIGH*... this one’s really dragging on too long. And the mistakes they make are terrible!
Mike: You guys have always taught me Marvel comics means mistakes.
> -- or in her case left a note --
Crow: [as if reading a note] Dear Marvel:
Tha’ does it! I’ve had enough of the mistakes, the blatant disregards for continuity, an’ the like! I want t’go an issue with the same eye, hair and skin color all throughout the issue! I’m going off t’some comic book company where I’ll be respected!
Yours etc. Siryn.
>Anyway, she’s a big girl.
Big John: Not anymore, thanks to this artist. She’s flatter than a pancake now!
Mike: Big John! That was uncalled for.
>If she wants to deal with her injury in solitude we should let her.
Tom: So if someone is lying on the ground having a heart attack, we should leave them alone, right?
>Meltdown: Earth to Bobby.
Crow: Bzzt. Sorry. Bobby isn’t in right now. If you leave your name, number, and a message, I’ll get back to you.
>She got her throat sliced open in battle. She’s still in shock.
Big John: Well, put some bandages on her wounds and raise her legs up! Geez, don’t you people know first aid?
>Anyone with half an ounce of empathy would
Mike: Try to end this comic book now.
>know she shouldn’t be alone right now.
Crow: After all, she could be jumping off the golden gate bridge right now for all we know!
>Sunspot: Whoa -- are you saying I don’t have any empathy?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump] Looks like it to me...
Crow: This dialogue sponsored by Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. Go out and get yourself a copy today.
>That’s harsh.
Tom: No harsher than having to read this comic book... and having to pay $1.99 for it....
>Meltdown: Forget I said anything.
All: Gladly.
>I don’t want to get into another fight.
Big John: [as Meltdown] After all, it was such a letdown when I got you in bed! You promised me you had a big -
Mike: [interrupts] That’s enough of that, Big John.
>Sunspot: What do you want from me, Tabitha?
Mike: Don’t try this one.
>I certainly don’t know anymore.
Crow: Further statements sponsored by the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus society.
>Meltdown: Look, we’re grinding gears here trying to be a couple.
Big John: When we should be grinding -
Mike: [interrupts] Big John! That’s it, you’re cleaning the solar panels again.
>Maybe we should end it now
Tom: They’re stopping the comic book?
Mike: I wouldn’t get my hopes up, Tom.
>before we completely destroy our
Tom: Fanbase? Too late for that....
>friendship.
>Sunspot: You’re breaking up with me?
Mike: Yes, now take a hint!
Big John: [as Meltdown] You never could satisfy me like Sam could in bed!
>Are you seeing someone else?
Tom: [sings] Fill my eyes/ with that double vision...
Big John: [as Meltdown] Not now, but I will be as soon as you push off!
>Meltdown: How can you ask that?
Tom: It’s quite simple, actually. Air rushes out of the lungs past the voice box. Vocal cords in the voice box vibrate to a specific set of impulses sent by the brain or spinal cord. The air then picks up these vibrations, and sends them out of the windpipe and into the mouth, then it’s on its merry way.
>You really don’t get it, do you?
Tom: [sings] Just take a walk down lonely street to/ Heartbreak hotel...
Big John: Looks like he won’t be getting anymore from you, babe.
Mike: *Sigh*...
>I’ll see you back at the warehouse.
Crow: [as Meltdown] That is, unless one of our major enemies kidnaps you or something.
>Sunspot: Fine.
Tom: I was the toast of Brazil a few years ago! I’ll be it again!
>Fine. Whatever.
Crow: This message brought to you by men in denial. Denial, it’s a better place to be than deamazon.
>Someone: Looks like DaCosta’s hit some turbulence with his lady friend.
Crow: That darned Bobby, never could keep a girlfriend for long.
Mike: You know, I think it’s ironic that thousands of nice, handsome, well-adjusted men who would often go out of their way to please a woman spend many nights alone while the slimy ones go through woman after woman, using them like cheap rags, then throwing them away.
Big John: I’ve been programmed with the psychological dynamics of women, and to be honest, I can’t make head nor tail of it all.
>Fulton: C’mon, remember how you were at his age, young, dumb, and --
Crow: [as Sanchez, emotionally] I was in a mental hospital! Don’t remind me of that!
>Sanchez: Hey, nothing changed when it comes to women.
Big John: [as Sanchez] The only way I’ve been able to bag a babe is by buying one down on the seedy area of town!
Mike: That’s it. You’re cleaning the solar panels again.
>So do we pick up the girl?
Big John: [as Fulton] All right, but let me do the talking. That “what’s your sign” line of yours is soooo passé these days.
>We don’t have the jurisdiction.
Crow: Nice of him to answer his own question.
Tom: But if he knew the answer to begin with, why did he ask it in the first place?
>It’s the kid we want. Let’s go.
Tom: [as Sanchez] We’ve found him! After all this time, we’ve found the longest missing child case ever! The boys at the center for missing and exploited children are going to love us!
>Roberto Da Costa?
Crow: [as Sunspot] Well, if it’s good, that’s me, if not, that’s the young woman who just left here.
>Sunspot: I don’t have any change.
Mike: [Hindu accent] For change must come from within.
>Sanchez: Funny.
Crow: This guy must also think that Jerry Lewis is a laugh riot.
>I’m agent Sanchez. This is agent Fulton. We’re INS.
Big John: [as Sunspot] ¡Mae de Deus! ¡É o serviço do immigracion! ¡Nós devemos ir!
>And you, sir, are a Brazilian national in this country illegally.
Crow: [as Sunspot] Well, I applied for your citizenship, but you people won’t give me an answer!
Tom: [as Sunspot] This doesn’t have anything to do with me being a mutant, does it?
>You’re going to have to come with us.
Crow: We’ve got this lovely little padded cell for you.
>Sunspot: Immigration? This is a joke.
Crow: If it is, we’re not laughing.
Mike: The emotion I experience is disgust.
>Do you have any idea who you’re messing with”
Crow: [as Sunspot] I’m rough, I’m tough, and I don’t need no steekeeng papers!
Tom: Man - don,t you hate it when they use wrong punctuation!
>Do you know what I could do to you.
Mike:Don’t try this one.
Big John: Not touching it with a 10 foot pole...
>Fulton: You don’t want to threaten us, sir.
Tom: [as Fulton] We’re kinda shy, and threatening us will make us have to tell our mommies!
>Sunspot: Nah... you guys aren’t worth it.
Crow: Only 39¢ people use 39¢ stuff.
>I’ll go voluntarily. I’m sure my lawyers will have me out in a couple of hours.
Crow: [as Sunspot] After all, for what I’m paying them, they should be good!
>Too bad Tab isn’t here to see my remarkable show of restraint.
Big John: S&M?
Mike: Not quite.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT station bridge. Mike and the bots look around the place some more.)
Mike: Well, it’s a lot like the Satellite of Love, but there’s just one thing missing.
Tom: Could it be Gypsy?
Voice: (from offscreen) Did someone call my name?
(They turn to see Gypsy there.)
Mike: Gypsy... we thought you had died when the satellite crashed.
Gypsy: I was blown to pieces! Fortunately, a good mechanic reassembled me. Now I’m in charge of running this station.
Tom: Is there a way off the station?
Gypsy: Well... yes and no.
(Mike is puzzled.)
Mike: What do you mean by that?
Gypsy: There’s a rocket nearby, but it has no fuel.
(Mike and the bots are disheartened. The commercial light comes on.)
Big John: We’ve got commercial light.
(Commercials. It’s more of the same insulting to your intelligence faire that one can expect from commercials. When we return, Deep INIT bridge.)
Mike: Well guys, I guess we have to make the best of what happened, right?
Crow: We’ll find a way off this station, Mike. I know we will.
(The screen comes to life, showing Pearl and Bobo there.)
Pearl: What’s going on there? Why aren’t you having your mind rotted by that awful comic book?
Mike: Well, it stopped...
(Pearl looks around, and picks up the comic book switch.)
Pearl: I don’t know how this got off but I’m turning it on now!
(She throws the comic book switch, and the usual pre-door sequence chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of pain. Mike and the bots sit.)
>Caption: Fort Funston.
Tom: [sings] Be/ All that you can be...
Big John: [sings] Follow me/ Don’t follow me...
Tom: [sings] I got my spine I got my Orange Crush
>Proudstar: Theresa and I cam out her a lot.
Big John: Because this place was rated one of the top make-out spots in San Francisco.
>She said it reminded her of the Irish coastline.
Crow: Oh, so the coast of Ireland has a poorly drawn pier too, hmm?
>I thought she might be here. It’s a good place to think.
Mike: Let’s spare the readers that thinking rant again.
>Banshee: Her mother always loved the ocean...
Big John: Because she always liked seeing men in those swimsuits...
>Moonstar: Y’know, it’s hard for me to imagine what Theresa’s going through.
Crow:Since I’m a Marvel character and Marvel in general isn’t too original...
>My powers have gone through a lot of changes in the last few years --
Tom: A clear sign that Marvel doesn’t have a clue what to do with you, but that never stopped them from using you anyway.
>From being able to create illusions to tapping into some strange quantum energy as I do now.
All: Oh no! A dark Moonstar!
Crow: I thought we were going to spare readers a lot of the obligatory riffs.
Tom: Well, it’s hard to come up with new ways to riff on the same old stuff.
Big John: A clear sign that the house of ideas is running out of them...
Mike: Well, I guess we are too.
>Even though the changes have been rough,
Crow: The worst one was having this artist draw us!
>the thought of my loosing my powers completely is far more frightening.
Mike: Frightening? I’ll tell you what’s frightening. I thought I finally got back to Earth and my girlfriend for good and then suddenly I find myself on this station.
>Banshee: I lost me voice once, Dani Moonstar --
Crow: And believe me, the crowd who paid to hear me play Tristan in Tristan and Isolde was very surly when my understudy stepped on the stage.
>When I was first with the X-Men. It was hard to swallow.
Big John: [sings] Winter is here/ And it’s going on two years/ Swallow my pride...
Crow: That’s a Ramones song, isn’t it?
Big John: Yes.
Mike: Voice? Swallow? Is this guy trying to make puns here?
Tom: If he is, he’s not doing a good job of it...
>It took me a few rough months, until I made peace with me loss.
Crow: [as Banshee] I found out I could just take the losses off of my taxes.
>Proudstar: But your power returned eventually?
Mike: I dunno... things in the Marvel universe are never certain... I’m afraid one day we’re going to get a copy of Generation X that tells us your regaining of powers in Marvel Comics Presents was a mere illusion.
Crow: Ah, that was the stroke of a true Marvel Master... well, about as well as anyone can master the Marvel universe...
>Banshee: Aye. But I didn’t know that then. Truth is,
Crow: [as Banshee] Had I known that getting me powers back would make me this poorly drawn, I would never have gone back...
>I wouldn’t have survived without the support of Moira MacTaggert and the other X-Men.
Tom: [as Banshee] Tha’ bonnie lassie spoke f’r me whenever I needed it. She was a real doll f’r tha’...
>So I’m glad Theresa has all of ye.
Mike: Well, she’s not with them now...
>Moonstar: She’s lucky she has you too.
Crow: [as Moira MacTaggert in Excalibur #91] Och, I think I’m gonnae cry...
>Banshee: I wish that were true, but I don’t expect I’m the one she’ll turn to.
Tom: [sings] Turn to you/ I want to turn to you/ Turn to you/ Please let me turn to you...
Big John: Theresa’s never been big on family, and with Black Tom being her main contact, it’s pretty obvious why...
>I’ve not exactly been there for her.
Crow: [as Banshee] I’ve been in this nifty academy with this blonde woman teaching all these lads and lassies.
>Caption: “I met Siryn’s mother shortly after I’d begun working as an undercover agent for Interpol.
Big John: She was my contact in Belfast... we had dinner at a nice pub, and then one thing lead to another...
Tom: It’s almost enough to drive a robot insane.
>I loved Maeve fiercely,
Big John: And she really liked playing it rough.
>but I loved the excitement of my job too, and spent far too much time on assignment, away from her.
Crow: After all, in Interpol I got to see the world, and they gave me full medical and dental benefits too...
>“I was too young to know then
Big John: The value of a good night in bed with a babe is. Now I want it every night!
Mike:Keep it up and I’m taping your optical sensors.
Crow: Paging Banshee, we’ve found your lost Irish accent, report to the courtesy booth for your Irish accent.
>how precious every moment ye have with yuir loved ones is cause ye never know when they’ll be gone.
Tom: [sings] But time won’t give me time...
>“Maeve died one summer in an IRA bomb blast that took out a street in Dublin.
Crow: [as Banshee] I told the lassie she shouldna go int’ bomb making, but she wouldna listen t’me!
>“After Maeve’s death, I threw myself
Tom Off a tall building in Dublin, but darnit, when I died, I got resurrected again!
>into me work, playing the villain as part if me undercover role.
Crow: But darnit, the Oscar went to someone else that year... Why I wasn’t even nominated gets my goat.
>“Which years later led me to take on the X-Men as foes. They were younger than you are now then.
Tom: This sentence brought to you by the confusing sentence makers of Ireland.
>“What I didn’t now was that when I last saw me beautiful Maeve she was pregnant --
Mike: [holds up a letter k]: Hey, you dropped this.
Tom: Oh, don’t start that again.
> -- And had given birth to a beautiful daughter while I was away.
Crow: And then next Theresa was born a year or so later...
>“Somehow Theresa, just an infant, survived the blast and was found in the rubble by me cousin Tom --
Big John: [refers to his Handbook of the Marvel Universe in a notepad computer] Funny, Handbook here says that Siryn and Maeve were in Armagh, Northern Ireland when Maeve died...
>Black Tom --
Tom: Hey, let’s not use racial slurs around here, mister!
Crow: Wolverine #131!
Mike: Crow!
>“ -- Who hated me for taking Maeve from him, even though his love for her was never reciprocated.
All: Stalking!
>“He raised Theresa as his own in Cassidy Keep,
Big John: [again refers to his Handbook] Funny, says here you owned Cassidy Keep at the time, and Theresa was raised elsewhere...
>and let both her and me believe she was his daughter.
Tom: [as Black Tom] Yuir nae around here at all, cousin! I donna think she should be raised by nannies!
>“And so the years went by, and I never knew that the girl I thought was Tom’s daughter was me own.
Big John: [sings] Now the years flow by you like a muddy stream/ You need another place to stay/ Oh Carol/ I think it’s time for running for cover/
All but Big John: Who was that?
Big John: Al Stewart.
Crow: Who???
Big John: Never mind.
>“And when the truth came out -- as all secrets do --
Big John: All secrets come out eventually? Someone better tell that to the pentagon!
>It was hard for both of us.
Mike: Don’t even think of trying this one.
>Our relationship’s built on unsteady ground.
Crow: [as Banshee] If only we hadna used tha’ Irish peat bog t’build our relationship on, we’d be on more solid ground.
>“I think a lot of her troubles stem from me not being there for her.
Big John: Oh, that’s all right. Everyone who wears an X these days has to have some kind of dysfunctional behavior.
>I have t’think that I contributed heavily to her drinking problem.
Big John: Oh, her drinking problem is that she has two hands and only one mouth.
Mike: You know, they sure do have a lot of those open quotation marks, but someone seems to have left out the close quotation mark here...
>Someone: I can’t imagine what it would be like to discover that your real father never knew you existed for years.
Tom: Give me a break! Banshee knew about her all along!
>Caption: Twenty-fourth and Mission
Crow: And on this site in 1999, a robbery took place.
Tom: I wonder what Siryn thinks of this storyline?
>This is a bad idea.
Mike: Looks like you got your answer.
>I don’t know why I’m doing this.
Mike: Because it’s in the script! Give me a break.
>Store clerk: That all for you, miss?
Crow: I tell you what I miss.... I miss good writing, decent acting, and comprehensible plotlines.
>I nod.
Big John: That’s it. This story is really a waste of a good character. Siryn was popular enough to have more than one website dedicated to her. She deserves better than this.
>Store Clerk: You look pretty young. I’m gonna have to see your driver’s license.
Tom: [as Siryn] Driver’s license... now where did I put that thing?
Crow: [as Siryn] ID? I don’t have any ID. Do you know what I’ve been through? Who had time to get ID?
>I was never this nervous when my ID was as fake as the wrestling matches on cable.
Big John: [as the Store Clerk] Hey, this ID is fake! We’re going to have to hold you for the police, woman!
Tom: Uh-oh. I don’t think this is winning you fans in the WWF.
>Okay, you’re legal, sweetheart. barely --
Big John: Now, you said it was how much for a hum job?
Mike: Big John! That was uncalled for!
>That means we can do business.
Tom: [gangster accent] So, who youse wantin’ offed?
>That’ll be eight fifty.
Crow: [as a speaking clock] The time is eight fifty. Ten minutes to closing
>My hands are shaking.
Big John: [sings] Because your head is shaking/ And your arms are shaking/ And your feet are shaking/ ‘Cause your earth is shaking...
>My throat hurts like Hades.
Crow: That could have something to do with Feral tearing your throat out last issue...
>All I want is something to calm my nerves.
Big John: [before Mike can say anything] Well, I got something here that’ll calm your nerves, babe!
Mike: [grimaces] Big John! One more word out of you and I’m taping your optical sensors.
>I won’t let it get out of hand this time.
Mike: And don’t try this one either.
Big John: Man, you take all the really good ones away.
>I started drinking in bording school
Mike: Oh, wonderful. They’re encouraging the underage to drink.
>acting out the anger and hurt I felt at being sent away by Black Tom --
Crow: Kids, alcohol doesn’t solve problems. It only makes them worse. Just ask Stuart Smalley.
> -- who felt having a teen-age daughter would be a liability to his career as an international jewel thief.
Big John: [again refers to his handbook in a notepad computer] Funny, but the Handbook tells us Black Tom was a jack-of-all-trades when it came to crime. He didn’t specialize in jewel theft.
>Of course, once my mutant powers manifested, Tom realized how valuable his adopted daughter could be.
Tom: [as Siryn] He played me like a violin, and I hated him f’r that!
>Together we stole from some of the finest houses in Europe.
Big John: [sings] But it wasn’t enough/ And now we’ve spoiled everything/ ‘Cause we’re no longer/ As thick as thieves...
>At first I loves the excitement and the danger. I felt closer to Tom than I ever had.
Crow: [as Siryn] But he always kept dividing up the booty in favor of himself!
>Black Tom: Come down outta the sky, lassie. We nicked a fortune tonight, and we deserve to celebrate.
All: Party time!
>Tom always drank after a successful heist, and insisted I join him.
Big John: [as Black Tom] Let’s get ye drunk so me friends can have some of their fantasies fulfilled.
Mike: All right, that does it. You’re cleaning up storage room #4.
Big John: [as Beaver Cleaver] Aw, gee Wally, you won’t let me have any fun.
>He didn’t know I’d graduated to hard liquor during my time at Catholic school.
Big John: Ah, those wacky Catholic school girls... I wouldn’t mind a night with a few of ‘em...
Tom: But how did you sneak it by the headmistress?
Crow: Paging Black Tom Cassidy, we’ve found your lost Irish brogue. Please report to the courtesy booth for your lost Irish brogue.
>Black Tom: May ye get to heaven before the devil knows you’re dead.
Mike: Erm... that’s not quite right, is it? I mean, traditional Catholic doctrine states that you are judged by St. Peter, not the devil...
>In my heart, I had doubts about the criminal life I was leading.
Big John: [as Siryn] I didn’t think that thieves could really rake in the hunks.
>Drinking helped silence my conscious.
Tom: [as Siryn] It also helped me have memory blackouts, chirrosis of the liver, violent spells, halitosis! and it turned my hair brown for no apparent reason!
>Black Tom: Ahhh, this is the life ennit?
Crow: The life of a skid row bum, yes...
Mike: Here’s where we get to rant. You know, I had a friend in high school that was killed by a drunk driver... but the thing about drinking and driving that troubles me most is this: There’s a lot of hype out there about not drinking and driving. Therefore, people make inhibitions not to drink and drive. However, since alcohol lowers your inhibitions, what’s to stop someone from drinking and driving when they wouldn’t normally?
>And I was foolish enough to think it was....
Big John: But then I met a really hot hunk and he showed me that sex is much better than drinking - and there’s no known bad physical side effects from it.
Mike: Big John!
>Kearney and Columbus.
Tom: [announcer voice] The day in the life of a boring person, and you are there!
>Man: Yes, this young lady has come into my shop many times.
Big John: [as the man] She seemed to be interested in collecting works that were feminist erotica.
Mike: Big John!
Big John: Oh, come on, Mike. Sex is great when you do it right.
>As I recall, she was interested in books on military strategy.
Crow: It was for her fiendish plot to take over the world!
>Domino: Well, a girl’s got to be prepared for anything.
Crow: I never would have guessed that Domino was once a boy scout.
Mike: Don’t even think it.
>Has she been in today?
Big John: [obviously lying] Erm... uh... no... not really. Yea, that’s the ticket.
>Man: No. It’s been a slow day. I’d remember if she had.
Crow: Lassie, Siryn’s missing! Go fetch help!
Tom: Arf!
Big John: Put out an Amber alert‡ on her!
>Domino: Thanks anyway.
>Man: And may I say how I like your tattoo. It’s very striking in its simplicity.
Crow: Wait a minute! Tattoo is not there! Rip-off! Rip-off!
Big John: That’s no tattoo, dude.
>That’s what I was going for.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
>Domino’s thoughts: Caught this guy trailing me earlier this afternoon.
All: Stalker! Run for it, Domino!
>Looks like he’s making his play.
Big John: Well, for a babe like you, I don’t blame him...
>Sanders: Mrs. Winter? Tamara Winter?
Mike: I thought her name was Beatrice Thurman.
Crow: Must be an alias of hers.
>Domino: You’ve mistaken me for someone else.
Crow: Well, I’m sure there are thousands of brunette women with chalk white skin and a big black spot over their left eyes.
>Sanders: I know you go by a lot of different names.
Tom: [as Domino] Well, I have so many aliases I can’t keep up with them all.
>Would you prefer I call you Domino?
Crow: Hey! I only let my friends call me that!
>Domino: You’re awfully familiar for a guy I don’t know.
Crow: [As Domino] And I don’t like it when men get close to me!
Big John: Man, are there any really hot babes in the Marvel universe that aren’t gay?
>Who ARE you?
Mike: I’m Batman.
Tom: Mike, it’s still the wrong comic book company.
Mike: Well, not all of us can be as well versed in comic books like you are. I mean, I try to have a life outside that...
>Saunders: I’m Napoleon Saunders.
Mike: You mean Napoleon Solo.
Tom: I doubt that would improve it.
Big John: I doubt anything could improve it.
>I’m a special crimes detective out of D.C.
Crow: [to Mike] Now look what you’ve done! The competition saw that reference!
Mike: Well Crow, I can’t keep these comic book companies apart... I have a life, you know...
>I’m going to reach into my pocket very slowly and pull out my
Crow: Uzi?
Tom: Bad dialogue list?
Big John: Condoms?
Mike: Nononono.
>Identification.
All: Darn!
>Domino: You’re a long way from Washington, detective.
Crow: [as Domino] You really wasted taxpayer money hunting me down, didn’t you?
>What do you want from me?
Mike: Don’t try this one either.
Big John: Aw, come on, just one... ?
All but Big John: NO!
>Sanders: You took out three armed bank robbers in D.C. a couple of months ago, and then disappeared.
Tom: And we want to know why you treated a bunch of criminals to dinner and a movie!
Crow: But it was High Octane Running! I was torturing them to get them to tell me where they hid their booty.
>I don’t like loose ends.
Tom: Yea, if you have a loose end on a piece of clothing, you’re gonna get it caught in something, and then it’ll tear that clothing apart.
>The bank manager said he knew you as Tamara Winter, but when I ran a background check --
Crow: I came up with a list so big you’d need 3Comm park to hold it all!
> -- The only Tamara Winer I found was an eighty-seven year old retiree living in Florida.
Crow: [as Saunders] And she was in a bed when the attack occurred! So you’ve stolen her identity.
>I showed the robbery tape to a friend who’s an FBI agent and he made you out as Domino.
Big John: [as Saunders] Pictures of you are very popular in the FBI. Especially the ones of your little vacation in Rio awhile back...
>Domino: Look, I stopped a bunch of goons before they got some innocent people hurt. Is that a crime?
Mike: The biggest crime I’ve seen relating to you is this issue’s writing and art.
>Sanders: Someone with a number of different names is usually hiding something. I got curious...
Crow: Well, you know what they say about curiosity killing the cat...
Tom: [as Domino] It’s none of your business what I’m hiding. As a woman, I’m entitled to have secrets.
>Domino: I like my privacy, detective?
Crow: [as Domino] Hey, this new diet Proudstar suggested really does work... I feel all aglow now...
Tom: So get out of my life! I don’t want some lame-o prying into my past...
>Go back to D.C.
Tom: Your mission to sabotage Marvel comics has failed, you corporate spy!
Crow: Marvel does a good enough job shooting themselves in the foot.
>Sanders: Domino...
>Domino: Why are you look at me that --
Mike: Since when did Domino have the power to generate light?
(Pause.)
All: Let’s spare the readers the Dark Domino riff.
>Sanders: Dear Lord
Big John: Help me find a way out of this bad story! Oh wait, there’s an exit there - I’m taking it!
>Caption: Guerro & 16th.
Big John: [sings] 53rd and 3rd you’re the one who never meets...
>Caption: One drink.
Tom: You know what they say about alcohol... you can never have just one drink...
>Just for tonight.
Tom: [sings] Tonight’s the night/ It’s gonna be all right...
Big John: [sings] Tonight/Tonight...
>Just to ease the pain...
Mike: You know, if you’re still in pain, you should try aspirin instead...
>Just so I don’t have to think anymore.
Tom: Drink too much and you won’t think period.
>Just to make the hurt go away.
Big John: Actually, psychologists recommend that one discuss things with those around them to ease any pains they may have...
>The Warehouse.
Tom: So now they’re at a club in Chicago trying to find Theresa?
>Jesse: So you didn’t find Theresa.
Crow: [as Jesse] Oh, what a shame. I guess I’ll have to eat her share then...
Tom: Then I guess I don’t have to cook for her.
>Proudstar: No luck. I hope she’s all right.
Mike: In a story like this, I’d have to go with no...
>Moonstar: I’m sorry we couldn’t locate her for you, Sean.
Tom: >But now we can concentrate on our bigger problems here. Now, who’s turn is it to angst endlessly tonight?
Big John: I thought their big problem was finding a decent -
Mike: Big John!
Big John: I was going to say writer and artist. Sheesh, give me a break sometimes, Mike.
>Banshee: I’ve got a couple of hours before I need to be back at the academy.
Tom: I don’t want to listen to your endless angst when I can go to the hotel and watch some cable. They have those premium channels, you know.
>When she gets back, I’d appreciate it if you called me at my hotel.
Crow: Amazing how he could get a hotel room on such short notice.
Tom: It’s probably one of those seedy hotels on skid row...
>Jesse: I’m telling you, Jimmy, you go through something like that, you just need time alone.
Crow: [as Jesse] Good riddance to her! Now there’s a spot on the team open for me.
>Proudstar: You don’t know her that well. Theresa’s never been good at being alone.
Big John: [as Proudstar] After all, I’m the one she was really in love with, not you.
>Banshee: And tell her that I love her.
Crow: [as Siryn] If ye really loved me, da, you’d get away from me.
>Meltdown: I wish my father were that cool.
Tom: >Ahem< Was, Tabitha...
>Did I mention that mine has joined that nutty Triune movement?
Crow: Better than joining the Promise Keepers...
Tom: Or Heaven’s Gate, or the Koreshians, or any one of those other paramilitary groups out there...
>Can’t see a guy like Sean Cassidy getting sucked into some flaky new age cult like that.
Big John: [as a cult leader] Of course not. We have standards around here, Missy!
>Proudstar: I’m telling you, Dani - I can’t shake this feeling Theresa’s in trouble.
Crow: Lassie, go get help!
>Moonstar: If she is, we have to trust that she’ll be able to get out of it.
Tom: [as a new age guru] Flow with life, my friends...
>Jesse: Hey, hey, our midnight barbecue feast is officially ready to begin.
Mike: Say, Jesse sure seems rather interested in getting the others to forget about saving Theresa...
>We know Theresa’s out, but what about Bobby and Dom?
Crow: [as Jesse] I off Theresa to get a spot on the team, and Dom and Bobby saw me! I couldn’t let them tell their story, so I had them killed too!
>Don’t tell me they’ve bailed on dinner, too.
Tom: [as Jesse] After all, Bobby eats like a horse!
>Meltdown: I don’t know about Dom but I can tell you about Bobby’s probably not coming back for awhile.
Mike: Huh?
Tom: I hate when they words, don’t?
>I kinda... um... broke up with him earlier.
Crow: [as random X-Force member] Oh, way to go! You just threw out our meal ticket! Thanks a lot, Tabitha!
>I don’t think he took it well.
Crow: Well, your sudden hair color change to gray is definitely... surprising...
>Caption: Market and Van Ness.
Crow: And next month, we’ll have a halfway decent intersection here...
>Caption: What am I doing here?
Tom: Because it was in the script.
>I can’t tell anybody what I’m going through.
Crow: You can’t tell anybody anything at the moment...
>and I don’t expect anyone to understand.
>No, that’s not true. I don’t have any place else to turn to.
Mike: What about your friends? Or is this one of those “You betrayed me, you stinking little witch and I’ll never forgive you” things?
>If I don’t reach out tonight...
Big John: [as Siryn] There go my chances of having a hot hunk to boink!
Mike: That does it!
(Mike tapes up Big John’s optical sensors.)
Big John: Mike, you know this doesn’t stop me.
Mike: But it slows you down, and that’s the best I can do at the moment.
>I might as well have jumped off the Golden Gate bridge.
Crow: It certainly would have spared us this story.
>Gavin: Hi, glad you could all make it for this after hours gathering.
Tom: Like we had a choice in the matter.
>My name’s Gavin, and I’m an alcoholic.
Tom: Uh-oh. A.A. meeting...
All: [monotone] Hi Gavin.
Crow: Funny, he doesn’t look like the lead singer for Bush.
>Caption: My name’s Theresa....
All: [monotone] Hi Theresa.
Tom: Is it just me or is this getting repetitive?
> Epilogue...
>Everyone’s asleep when I finally come back to the warehouse.
Crow: Fortunately, my breaking Dani’s cheap vase made of brittle china woke everyone up.
>Everyone except James.
All but Big John: Too Much Coffee Man!!
>I’m sure he woke up the moment I put my key in the front door lock.
Tom: Aw man, I forgot to shut off the alarm.
>Proudstar: Theresa?
Tom: Keep the racket down! I’m trying to sleep!
>Hey, Was worried about you. Everybody was...
Crow: [as Proudstar]Now that you’re back, I want to tell you how much you mean to me...
Big John: [as Proudstar] Terry, I’m glad you’re back. Let’s go leave this series and find us somewhere else to live. We’ll have a nice house in the suburbs, the 2.5 kids, and we can have wild orgies every night!
Mike: Not quite.
>And ... uh... your dad was here, too. Are you okay?
Tom: She can’t talk! How do you expect her to answer you?
>Caption: I have so much to say to him, but no way to say it,
Crow: Because I flunked those sign language courses.
Big John: [as Siryn] Aye, Jimmy. Let’s go away t’gether, you and I, an’ we’ll bang the bed every night.
Mike: *Sigh*... trying to stop you is like trying to stop a runaway train.
>so a letter hastily scrawled is the best I can give him.
Tom: [as Siryn] I would have got ye a present, Jimmy, but you’re sae hard t’shop f’r...
>Letter: I almost made a fatal mistake this evening.
Crow: [as Siryn] I nearly left without saying goodbye. Miss Manners would have had a fit.
Big John: [as Siryn] I wanted one last shot at yuir -
Mike:That’s enough, Big John.
>Almost being the operative word.
Tom: But darnit, I couldn’t get the catapult to work!
>When I started drinking it was because I felt alone and unloved --
Crow: But Now I’ve got you t’love, Jimmy.
> -- and the alcohol filled that void in my life.
>But I’m stronger because of that.
Crow: [as Siryn] All those workouts in the danger room an’ here, along wi’ your healthy suggestions, I’m feelin’ better than before... except f’r the voice thing....
>I need some time to figure out what I’m going to do now that my voice is gone.
Mike: Hmm... I wonder why they have two do’s in that sentence?
Tom: She must think she’s up to her neck in doo-doo with her voice gone.
>I have a distant aunt who has a ranch out in the high desert. She told me to look her up when I got settled, which is what I think I’m going to do.
All but Big John: [as Siryn] Anything t’get out of this series!
>I’ll write you when I get there...
Crow: [as Siryn] If I can just figure out how to type here...
>Caption: “I wish you’d reconsider. At least wait until morning.”
Crow: [as Proudstar] After all, our will-they-will-they-not-fall-in-love plotline shouldn’t be resolved this way...
Big John: I still say this is a big waste of a cool character. Siryn deserves better than this.
>Letter: Tonight, I was lost in a fog of despair,
Crow: [cockney accent] Well, we got’a real pea souper out ‘ere tonight, gov’ner... can’t see your ‘and in front of your face.
Mike: I think the writer was in a fog when he wrote this...
>dangerously close to throwing two years of sobriety away...
Tom: Let’s spare the readers the usual rant about how Marvel time is so screwed up.
Mike: Throw away... that’s what the editor should have done to this script...
> ... but in a moment of clarity,
Crow: I realized I was trapped in a bad comic book!
>I remembered I have friends who love me, and who I know will stand by me.
Tom: [sings] So darling/ Darling/ Stand/ By me/ Oh/ Stand/ By me...
Mike: Pass me the insulin I’m going into sugar overload.
>Don’t worry about me. I’m going to get through this. I love you all. Theresa.
Crow: [as Siryn] I’m going to a comic book company where they’ll respect me f’r once!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Big John now has the tape removed from his optical sensors. Mike and the bots stand around the place.)
Mike: You know, in the little time I’ve gotten to know the Marvel Universe, it seems to me that those in charge of it are out of touch with the readers.
Crow: Well, these days, it’s hard to keep up with trends. What may be hot today won’t be tomorrow. Just look at some of the past trends: disco, acid washed jeans, go-go dancing....
Magic voice: Commercial light...
(Commercials. Again we have the standard faire which insults your intelligence, and tries to force-feed you garbage. When we come back, Castle Forrester. We see Brain Guy and Bobo looking over the computer.)
Brain Guy: Oh my...
Bobo: I thought you would like this site...
(Brain guy pushes some buttons.)
Brain Guy: Will you look at the Thymus on that one...
(Pearl enters.)
Pearl: Brain Guy, are you looking at pictures of brains on the internet again?
Brain Guy: [turns] Pearl! Erm... I... Uh... Lawgiver...
(Pearl grits her teeth.)
Pearl: Just contact the satellite!
(Brain Guy pushes some buttons, and then the screen changes to see Mike and the bots there.)
Pearl: Well Nelson, are you out of your mind yet!?
Mike: Well, not really... but I’m beginning to think you are.
Pearl: What!? That comic book was awful! You did something while you were on earth to prevent yourself from going insane, didn’t you!?
Mike: Yes, I did. You’ll never be able to drive me insane, Pearl. So why don’t you just let me go home now, hmm?
(Pearl gets angry.)
Pearl: Never! You’re lying! I know it! Curse you, Mike Nelson! We’ll be back next week, and when we come, we’ll have something so foul and horrific you won’t last 5 minutes!
>Tag line: Sunspot: This is so pointless, baby.
*Dallasites may substitute South Oak Cliff. Everyone else, you’re on your own.
** This may not be in every television market but all the ones I’ve seen have one. I’ve never been west of the Continental divide or in the Northeast but from what I’ve seen, there seem to be at least one of these weathermen in most markets.
*** Apologies to Kielle (I STILL didn't write it, but when you see a good riff, it's all right to rip it off, right?)
† I’ll spare you the obligatory X-Men Slash Central riff on this one.
‡ An Amber alert is something that’s only recently started. Circa 1997-1998 a child named Amber Haggerman was kidnapped from the Dallas-Fort Worth area. After she was found dead, per parents pushed the media into issuing alerts on children who were recently kidnapped. As they will tell you, the first 48 hours of an abduction are crucial.