Original by Warren Ellis and Ian Edgington,
MiST by the Icehole
Disclaimer: Mystery Science theater 3000 is copyright Best Brains, Inc, X-Force® is copyright Marvel comics, Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent are copyright Douglas Adams, Star Wars® is copyright Lucasfilm, and Coca Puffs® are copyright Kellog's® cereals. All are used without permission, but since I'm not making any money off of it that's o.k. Other notable items are copyright their respective owners.
Songs referenced in this work: Games without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel, Fashion by David Bowie, Show Me by the Pretenders, Bad Kid Show Host by Wally Pleasant and My Evil Twin by They Might Be Giants.
(Opening credits. Castle Forrester. Pearl is standing around, waiting for something. Bobo is waiting around as well.)
Bobo: Have patience, lawgiver... these things do take time.
Pearl: Time? Come now, I can scribble out something 10 times better than they ever could in half the time! Where is that observer with this month's issue of X-Force!?
(Deep INIT exercise area. Mike is working out on the treadmill, running around. He is in a sweatsuit. Angel is in a leotard, doing some step aerobics. Nearby the bots are sitting and watching them.)
Tom (to the camera): Oh, hello and welcome to Deep INIT station. Mike and Angel say they've been falling behind on their exercise of late, and they're having an extended session today to make up for it.
Mike: Gypsy, time.
Gypsy: You've been exercising now for two hours, Mike.
Angel: I'm ready for a break, how about you?
Mike: All right...
(Mike gets off the treadmill as Angel stops her aerobics. Big John then hands both of them a hand towel.)
Mike: It was a good workout, Angel.
Angel: Let's warm down and have some water.
(The two of them start doing some stretching exercises. A yellow light comes on.)
Mike: Gypsy, see who that is calling, will you?
Gypsy: Sure thing, Mike.
(Deep INIT bridge. The bots enter, and see Bobo on the viewscreen. The Mads light is on.)
Bobo: Oh, hello robot creatures... say, where's Mike?
Gypsy: Oh, he's finishing his exercising for the day.
Bobo: Well, Pearl has something absolutely wretched for you today. We've heard that the latest issue of X-Force is absolutely awful, so we've sent the observer out to get one.
Big John: I think we can wait here...
(Pearl enters, reading a copy of X-Force #103.)
Pearl: Ah, yes... utterly hopeless... I think we've found it...
Bobo (Turns): Ah, welcome back, lawgiver... I see you've found a copy of that issue.
Pearl: It's not surprising, there were quite a lot of these still on the shelves...
(Enter Mike and Angel. The two of them are carrying bottles of a sports drink.)
Angel: I feel much better now.
Pearl: Ah, there you are, you waste of DNA.... how dare you keep me waiting!?
Mike: Pearl's angry again, right?
Big John: I've rarely seen her otherwise...
Pearl (angry): I heard that! (straightening up, calming down) Now, your experiment this week features art by Whilce Portacio... and not much else. It's an issue that proves you can take a good co-writer and a good artist and still come up with a dud.
Crow: Aw man, not more Generation X again!
Pearl: Not quite, big mouth. I give you X-Force #103 by Warren Ellis, Ian Edginton, and Whilce Portacio. It's absolutely horrific... (Turns) Bobo, put it in the comic-to-video transference device and send it up there!
Bobo: As you wish, lawgiver.
Mike: X-Force? It's been awhile since we were tortured with that one...
Pearl: We'd thought we'd give you a change of pace this time out... not that this is any better... after all, change is good, especially when it benefits my cause...
(The screen closes.)
Angel: Another week, another bad media to shoot down.
(The comic book sign comes on, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit.)
Crow: Back to the old grind again...
>Nature made them unique.
Mike: Because nobody wanted to rip-off these lame-os.
>Society made them outcasts, and youth turned them into rebels. They are the next step in the human evolution-born with fantastic powers and abilities. Banded together by the freedom Fighter known as Cable, the impulsive mutants known as X-Force question everything -
Angel: Nice of them to capitalize fighter.
Crow: My question is why was this made in the first place?
>including the wisdom and ideals of those who have come before.
Tom: being in Marvel, I can understand why.
>Refusing to live by rules laid forth by a generation that can never understand them, X-Force fights for the very survival of their species in a world that despises and fears them!
Big John: Of course, that's only because they've constantly been screwing things up here.
>Stan Lee Presents: X-Force: Games without Frontiers Part 2
Tom: [sings] If looks could kill/ They probably will in/ Games without frontiers/ War without tears.
Big John: Oh, yea babe! Take it off! Take it all off!!
(Angel reaches over and strikes Big John.)
Big John: OW!
Angel: Keep it PG rated, mister.
>Caption: Science City 53. Somewhere in Russia.
Crow: Welcome to muppet laboratories, where the future is being made today.
Tom: Is this some kind of gulag or something?
>Pete Wisdom: Let me get this straight.
All: Let's spare readers the convoluted plotlines riff.
>Cuckoo
Mike: For Coca Puffs!®
>was a facet of the U.S. intelligence community, right?
>Woman: The shadow of the CIA,
Big John: [authoritative voice] But unfortunately, he got his acronyms mixed up, and spent a lot of time shadowing students at the Culinary Institute of America!
>If you like.
All: This, then you should have your head examined.
>When the office of scientific intelligence turned into the CIA. A chunk of OSI became Cuckoo.
Crow: Things just got so confusing, they went out of their minds!
Big John: Being in the Marvel universe, I can't say I blame them...
>It was an intelligence office devoted to analyzing, advising, and reacting to what they termed "unusual threats." >They liked their math,
All: Geeks!
>their games. They were a hawkish, spooky unit who saw suffering and pain in terms of numbers and tables.
Angel: Are they the ones who came up with the term "Collateral damage?"
>Roll tape.
Big John: No, no! The videotape, not the duct tape!
>Dr. Niles Roman. Cuckoo's only known administrator.
Mike: Oh, you know how bureaucrats are, it's impossible to tell one from another.
>This man loved his games.
Tom: He and his wife were the bridge club's champs four years in a row!
Crow: And every Saturday night, you could catch him playing the tables in Vegas!
>He quietly conducted scientific experiments with stolen or derived technologies that agencies with ten times Cuckoo's resources never knew of.
Angel: Ah, ah. It's not good grammar to end a sentence with a preposition.
Mike: Niles always went to the bargain basement at the scientist's shop...
>Experiments the scope of which weren't seen again on earth until Reed Richards started work.
>Experiments the ugliness and horror of which hadn't been seen since Joseph Mengele.
Crow: They were old school rivals!
>In 1954 we tried killing him twice.
Mike: but unfortunately, being in the Marvel Universe, he just got resurrected again.
>He survived after a fashion.
Tom: [sings] Fashion/ turn to the left/ fashion/ turn to the right... >Cuckoo repaired him. He was never the same again, as you can imagine.
Tom: Looks like they used the wrong parts there.
Big John: I bet that made it hard to get a date on Saturday night.
>His next setback wasn't until some time later...
Crow: His attempts to escape the Marvel Universe failed miserably!
>(Scene changes to X-Force.) >Jesse: I'm bored. >Bored... bored... bored...bored...bored...bored...bored...bored...bored! Angel: Lemme guess here... the writers had a small bit of writer's block, didn't they?
>Hey Jimmy.
>Proudstar: Hm?
>Meltdown: You bored?
Mike: Very.
Angel: Is there a point to all of this?
>Proudstar: No, but then I haven't stuffed myself full of sugar and caffine non-stop since we got here.
Angel: If she's done that a lot, how does she manage to stay so slim?
Big John: She's a comic book character. They don't get fat or age past a certain point.
Crow: Must make up for the blatant disregards for continuity they have to undergo.
Mike: I wonder what the characters themselves think about this "revolution?"
>Meltdown: Sacrilege!
Tom: Hands up those of you who didn't see that one coming.
>Chocolate and coffee are essential food groups!
Angel: Gee, the nutritional requirements must be different for a marvel character than a normal person.
>Proudstar: And they'll go straight to your hips!
Mike: [to Big John] Not one word out of you.
Big John: [as Beaver Cleaver] Aw gee Wally, you never let me have any fun.
>Meltdown: Sam, talk to me!
Crow: [as Meltdown] Because this guy is soooo boring!!
>The old folks still gabbin' in there?
Tom: Since when does someone under 30 use the word gabbing?
Crow: Meltdown could never resist a good conversation.
>Cannonball: And then some.
>Heh. I swear, you hit thirty, this switch gets flipped in your head, turns everyone into their dads. Just yapping away...
Mike & Angel: [simultaneously] I don't think I'd want to be like my dad.
Crow: And I'll bet Cable doesn't either.
>Meltdown: I could seriously do without turning into my dad, thanks.
Tom: I don't know, being in that Triune movement couldn't hurt...
Mike: I don't think anything could improve this.
>So, I guess today was weird, huh?
Big John: So far, it's been really boring.
>Cannonball: Which part? The attack of the killer borg-steaks or the exploding meat finale?
Crow: [as a little kid] Mommy mommy the big bad Cannonball scared me!
Big John: I'm glad I'm not in the Marvel Universe. I'd hate to be reinvented into some bible-waving fundamentalist preacherbot.
Tom: It would certainly be... different.
>The part where Mr. W. was giving orders and you were giving it "yessuh!"
Big John: Would you have rather he said "yesma'am" to Mr. W?
>You're our leader, Sam. Cute as he may be, Mr. W. is just supposed to be advising... or so I thought.
Crow: And look at what his advice has gotten you.
>Cannonball: Uh-huh. So you thought.
Tom, Mike, & Crow: AH!
Big John: What's with you?
Tom: Whew... we had a flashback to Eegah! for a moment there....
>You listen to me, Tabitha Smith.
Crow: Right, like that's going to help.
Big John: [as Cannonball] I'm bigger and badder than you so if you want to live you're going to have to do what I say.... [laughs sinisterly.]
>Meltdown: You've flipped your switch.
>Cannonball: Not funny.
All bots: You can say that again.
>You've seen me
Big John: naked as a jaybird, and I don't know why you won't come back to me!
(Pause. The bots look over and see Mike and Angel fast asleep.)
Big John: Let's let them sleep.
Crow: If we have to suffer through this, so do they.
(Crow pokes Mike as Big John taps Angel. Both of them wake up.)
Mike: *SNORKT* wha? Oh...
Big John: Don't worry, Mike. I'm sure if I fell asleep I'd be fast asleep now too.
>talking. Do you know what about?
Tom: I think a better question is do we care?
Angel: I'd have to go with no on that one.
>Strategy!
>Those maneuvers earlier.
Crow: Gee, sentence fragments.
Tom: I think these people have given up on the story already.
>"Death from above"? Jesse as an EMP bomb?
Crow: He's a bomb no matter what you do with him.
>I wrote them.
All: So you're the one we have to blame for this mess!
>Meltdown: I didn't know.
Angel: [as Meltdown] 'Cause I'm a token blonde bimbo and I'm not supposed to be smart! [giggles.]
Big John: You're getting really good at this, Angel.
>Cannonball: 'Cause you don't listen.
Mike: With dialogue like this, I can't say I blame her.
>It just helps to have someone on the edge of it all. Giving an overview, calling the beats.
>Pete: And that's my job.
>Meltdown: AAAAA!
All: We agree with her!
>That and teaching you how to make the best of what you've got.
Big John: You could start by dressing her in -
Angel: [interrupts] You must really like getting smacked, Big John.
Big John: I'm not bad, I'm just programmed that way.
>To our black helicopter, my X-Men!
Crow: Uh... that's X-Force there.
Tom: must have had one too many.
Big John: Yea, it's easy to mistake Meltdown for Rogue.
>To San Francisco! Good food! Good drink! Loose culture! Women!
Big John: Isn't San Francisco the homosexual capitol of the U.S.?
Crow: Since when was San Francisco famous for any of those except drink?
>[sings] La la la la la Amer-i-ca!
All: [holding their ears] Don't quit your day job.
>Caption: Elsewhere:
Tom: Let's get as far away from this as possible.
>Voice: My God.
Crow: [as the speaker] I'm trapped in a Marvel comic book! Someone get me out of this!!
>Man in Wheelchair: What is it, Ford?
Tom: [as Ford Prefect] Arthur, the world is about to end in 10 minutes.
Crow: [as Arthur Dent] Ford, what about my home?
>Ford: Your computer, sir. It's just received a message from first station.
Big John: [as Ford] It wants to know when you're coming back - it's been so lonely since you abandoned it.
>Man in Wheelchair: We abandoned first station in the sixties, Ford.
>Ford: I know, but the switching system would have been left open.
Crow: And someone else left the iron on, and burned the place down!
>Man in wheelchair: Show me.
Tom: [sings] Show me the meaning/ Of the world...
>Cuckoo: Incredible.
>The San Francisco bioreactor has finally triggered.
>We must go to California at once.
Big John: After all, the plot would fall apart if we didn't.
Angel: Are you sure there's a plot here?
Mike: This issue is quickly turning into 22 pages of filler.
>Voice: Okay, a genuine black Op's helicopter we can cope with.
Mike: But all these mistakes, blatant disregards for continuity, and the like... it's almost too much that one person can understand!
Big John: At least you understand a little of it. I'm totally lost already.
Tom: You're not alone.
>But where did you score a hypersonic jet from, Mister W.?
Big John: Angela in motor pool records never could resist his charms...
>Pete: Ask no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
Mike: [slight anger in his voice] Hey mister, this is a non-smoking flight!
Angel: Why are all the seats facing the one in which Pete is sitting?
>Don't get too comfy.
Tom: [as Pete] I.. uh... kinda sorta promised them you'd do KP here...
>We'll soon be landing at an old spookshow airstrip I know of. We'll drive into town from there.
>A place we can use, you'll like it.
Angel: You know, there's nothing a man can do to turn me off more than to smoke cigars or cigarettes.
Crow: So far we aren't liking it. I have a feeling no matter what setting you're in, we're not going to like it.
>San Francisco. Cuckoo operated out of there, you know.
All: Duh!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Castle Forrester. Pearl, an Observer, and Bobo are finishing work on a machine.)
Bobo: I have finished here, Lawgiver...
Observer: I have finished as well.
Pearl: Excellent! Call the station at once!
(Deep INIT station. Mike, Angel and the bots are standing around.)
Angel: You know, I haven't really heard about the Marvel universe until I got here, and now I really hate it.
Big John: That seems to be the opinion of everyone here.
(The Mads light comes on.)
Crow: But one thing's for certain - they'd never do something that dumb here.
Mike: You bet. Never tamper with the formula for success you set up unless it's not working anymore.
(The screen opens, and then we see Pearl there.)
Pearl: Mike, how nice to see you again.
Big John: What do you want, witch?
Pearl: You won't be in good spirits when you see what I have in store for you!
(She pulls a sheet to show a Kirbyesque machine beneath the sheet.)
Pearl: I've traced the source of our show's demise to the cast. We need to reinvent you to get our show back on the air!
Tom: You've got to be kidding us.
Pearl: It's a sure-fire thing to make rating soar and put us in the top 10 cable shows! It searches people's minds for what they want to see, and will alter you to be what they want!
Crow: Maybe the reason why we got canceled was because of someone else...
Pearl: [angry] DO NOT THINK THAT!!! [calmer] Relax, everyone. It will be painless.
Pearl: [throws the switch] My reinvention wave will give all of you a new look and then we'll get our series back for sure!
(Commercials. Deep INIT bridge. Gypsy is now a humanoid robot with 6 arms and hands, and about 6 feet tall. About all that is still recognizable about her is her head. Crow looks like R2-D2tm from Star Wars® with Crow's usual head stuck on top of it. Tom Servo now has a cigarette machine for a body, his usual non-functioning arms and his usual gumball machine head. Mike Nelson is a younger man, with lime green hair. he is dressed in a white shirt, flannel overshirt, and leather pants. Angel is a bleach blonde woman dressed like Daisy Duke, with a very low cut blouse and short shorts. Big John is in a very conservative suit and tie, holding a bible. His manly physique has been replaced by one of wimpiness. The seven of them look each other over. Pearl sees them on the viewscreen.)
All: AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Crow: We're - we're hideous!!
Pearl: Perfect. I've redesigned every one of you to target a specific segment of the population in order to get ratings back up and us back on cable.
(Big John breaks down in tears.)
Big John: You inhuman fiend! I hate being a preacher!!
Pearl: [Angry] Shut up! It's good for the ratings! [calmer] Look at it this way: Crow's uncanny resemblance to R2-D2 will get all those Star Wars fans out there to watch us. Tom's cigarette machine body will get smokers to watch us. Mike's going for the alternative market which is so popular with the young today. Showing off Angel's cleavage like that is sure to attract loads of horny young men. Now, as for you, Big John, you're out to represent the religious right which has been gaining popularity in the last few years.
Big John: Couldn't I be the alternative dude?
Pearl: [angry] No! [calmer] Now, it's time to get back to work here. I've got an experiment to complete...
(Pearl throws the comic book switch, and then the comic book light comes on.)
Mike: AH! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the Bots sit. Tom, however, finds his new body is too big for the seat, and thus has to stand.)
Tom: I don't want to be a cigarette machine! Cigarettes kill! There are over 100 different poisons in cigarettes!
Crow: Unfortunately, complaining about it won't help.
>Jesse: You sneaky English -- I knew you agreed to San Francisco too easily!
Tom: Oh, that wacky Pete will agree with anyone!
>Pete: Hush, Jesse. Uncle Peter's about to tell you a story.
Big John: [sings] I'm a bad kid show host/ On PBS from coast to coast/ You should listen to me instead of your mom and dad...
Angel: figures.
>See, back in the 'fifties, certain suits in the Yankee intel' hierarchy became fascinated by drugs.
Tom: Their head was known as Timothy Leary.
Crow: [old man voice] Why, in my day, we didn't have any regulations on drugs!
>It wasn't about a war on drugs but a war with drugs. Mike: That's taking the "fight fire with fire" philosophy to extremes, don't you think?
>Particularly their effect on the American public.
Crow: [conspiracy rant] That's right, ladies and gentlemen, there's mind-altering drugs in all your food! You're being brainwashed into accepting anything they throw at you!
>This lead inexorably to the CIA releasing a quantity of lab pure Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, otherwise known as LSD gas, off the Golden Gate bridge.
Tom: So that explains the whole Height/Ashbury scene...
>Cannonball: My God! They tested it on people?
Mike: Well, try having to endure endless amounts of bad media every week and tell me which is worse...
All: Just say no, people!
>Pete: Not quite. This being the mighty CIA, they didn't check the weather reports first.
Tom: Ah, who would have thought it would snow in San Francisco that day...
Crow: So that's where they got the term "snow" to mean cocaine from...
>Their very expensive sack of trips was blown straight out to sea.
Tom: And hundreds of hippie kids rented boats that day...
>The most they achieved was to expand the consciousness of a bunch of terminally confused fish.
Crow: So that's where the term "magic carp" came from.
>Meltdown: So, what's it all mean?
Crow: I've stopped caring.
Tom: Mean? You mean there's a point to all of this?
Big John: I kinda have to doubt that one as well...
>Pete: Sam.
Tom: John boy.
Big John: Gloria.
(They turn to see Mike and Angel fast asleep again.)
Big John: Aw man, not again.
Tom: You've got to wake them up, guys.
(Crow pokes Mike as Big John pokes Angel. Mike and Angel wake up.)
Angel: *SNORK* Wha?
Mike: Aw man, not again.
Angel: This comic is like watching paint dry.
Crow: Cambot, rewind that last line and play it again.
>Pete: Sam.
Tom: John boy.
Angel: Grandpa Walton.
Big John: Gloria.
Mike: Chief.
Crow: McCloud.
>Cannonball: That experimenting on its people was deemed legally permissable by stateside intel?
Crow: [conspiracy rant] And that's just the tip of the iceberg! Why, I could rant all day about the mindwaves that the public is forced to endure...
>Pete: That and the San Francisco CIA is remarkably corrupt and stupid.
(Mike and Angel cough and gag.)
Tom: Cigarettes kill!!
Crow: Great talking coming from someone whose got the body of a cigarette machine.
Tom: Like I had a choice in the matter.
Angel: It's all part of the Peter Principle.
>Stupid enough that the collaborated with Cuckoo on several occasions.
Mike: Years later, the CIA head got a job at Dilbert's company, and ended up being Dilbert's boss!
>Including undisclosed OPS actually in the city of San Francisco, which's partly why we're setting up shop there.
Big John: It could also be because Pete's got a thing for this Oakland Raiders cheerleader...
>Right, that's me done now.
All: Huh?
>I need some kip.
Mike: You need the currency of Laos? Why?
Tom: I don't think I want to know the answer.
>We're touching down in thirty minutes. Has everyone been to the bathroom?
Mike: [as random X-force member] Yea, and I wanna tell ya, I've never seen a dirtier bathroom in my life! I nearly puked from the smell.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Commercials. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Our heroes look themselves over.)
Angel: Well, Pearl has changed us into some kind of disaster. What can we do now? (The Mads light comes on.)
Mike: We've got to be strong, guys... we can beat this.
Tom: After seeing Manos: The Hands of Fate, The Atomic Brain, Monster A Go-go, Young Einstein, and The Girl with Gold Boots, are we going to let some stupid idea of Pearl's get to us?
Crow: Of course not.
Big John: I still would like to have been the alternative rock and roller.
(The screen opens to show Pearl reviewing information on a clipboard.) Pearl: Hmm... I see... well, we'll have to fix this immediately. (turns) Ah, Mike. It seems that some of the demographics haven't come through for us. The smokers just aren't there.
Crow: That's because they're usually in their iron lungs while we're on.
(Pearl gets angry.)
Pearl: Shut up! (calmer) We've found the perfect combination to get our series back on the air. So far, the only thing that really worked was showing Angel in those skimpy clothes. I thought I'd go further with that.
Angel: What? Hey - no way. I am not appearing nude in front of everyone!
Pearl: This is a family show, I know. Observer, send them the new alteration wave!
(An Observer pulls a switch, and then we see Mike, Angel and the bots surrounded by a bright light. When done, Angel is now in a thong bikini, Mike is in a pair of shorts and has more muscles, Big John is now a new age freak, complete with flowing white robe and crystal around his neck, Tom's cigarette machine has been changed for a small vending machine filled with Pokémon cards, Ricky Martin CDs, and other trendy items that are about to go out of fashion. Crow is now a goat-roping cowboy, with big ten gallon hat (which makes it impossible for him to see,) big belt buckle, and boots. They look each other over again.)
Mike, Angel, & the bots: AAAAAAAHH!!!!
Big John: This is even worse than the other one! I don't want to be a new age fruit!
Pearl: (angry) TOUGH! (Calmer) Oh, when the Sci-fi execs see this, we're sure to get our series back.... Well, let's go back to the experiment now....
(She pulls the comic book switch. On Deep INIT, lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.) Mike: AH! We've got comic book sign!
>Caption: San Francisco.
Big John: [as the man on the right side of the page] Hey, take a look at this cell phone! It's sure to make me a babe magnet now!
>Man: AGHHN!
Crow: Is yer fly buttoned?
Tom: That's what you get for relying on cheap foreign parts.
>Oh, man! I... I'm bleeding...
Mike: I'm glad I'm not in the Marvel universe. I'd hate to be the victim of some random act of mindless violence.
>Doctor: It's okay, I'm a doctor.
Tom: Doctor Who?
Crow: Different story, Tom.
>Let me --
Big John: Hey, I'd let you do anything to me, babe!
Angel: *Ahem*...
Big John: Oh, come on. At least let me have one decent sexually oriented riff now and then.
Angel: You're going to make this rated R. Keep it PG rated.
Crow: Oh, way to break the fourth wall there.
>Man: GYAHH!
Tom: Boy, these guys are as good at getting their butts kicked as Generation X is!
Crow: Must be trying out for that spot that was vacated by Synch.
>What's going on? What's happening?
Crow: Do you really want to know?
Mike: I don't think I even care.
>Woman 1: GNNNNNNNN
Angel: Gee, no punctuation? I feel cheated.
Big John: This coming from a woman in a thong bikini.
Angel: Keep it up libido brain and you're gonna get hit.
>Woman 2: Is she sick?
Mike: If she's responsible for this, then she's EXTREMELY sick.
Crow: I can't help but think there's some sadist out there laughing his head off right now.
>Woman 1: Hurragh!
>Griiieee!
>Grrieeaa!
Big John: My, such penetrating dialogue here... well, I'm sure that was worth the price Marvel had to pay to lure Warren Ellis and Whilce Portacio into their stable.
>Man: Hurts --
Mike: Yea, being in a story like this, I would imagine it's painful.
Tom: Mike, being in the Marvel universe in general is painful.
>It hurts --
>It hurts!
All: We heard you the first time!
>Entity: Mommeeee!
Crow: [as that character] I want out of this bad comic book!
Angel: We can't figure out how to get off a god-forsaken space station, let alone help that poor person.
Tom: By the way, is that a man or a woman?
Big John: I'm not too sure I want to know.
>Meltdown: How did you get to be a big bad secret agent if you never learned how to drive, Mr. W?
(All of them wave their hands in front of their faces, and cough.)
Mike: When was the last time that car was inspected for vehicle emissions violations?
Big John: You'd think that with California emission and being relatively new, that car wouldn't spew out so much filth.
>Pete: That's what girlfriends are for, petal.
Crow: He sounds just like you, Big John.
Big John: Excuse me? I happen to be able to drive, thank you.
>I mean, British Intel isn't James Bond.
Crow: Gee, another illusion shattered.
>Apart from all the beautiful women who wanted to sleep with me, anyway.
Big John: All right! Sign me up now!
>Meltdown: Riiiiiight.
Crow: Look, Marvel's cheapness shows again... They're making the writer use an old typewriter, and the I key got stuck!
>Pete: I'll have you know half the kids in all the underground evil-villain bases across the bloody planet look like me.
Big John: [as Pete] And I'm the only one who can't get a date on Saturday night!
Crow: [as Pete] And I'm not really Pete Wisdom, I'm one of those agents sent to kill you all!
Tom: [sings] My evil twin/ Bad weather friend/ He always wants to start when I want to begin....
>Jesse: Whoa!
>I'm losing it!
All bots: You lost it long ago!
Big John: Uh, Mike? You missed your cue here...
(The bots notice that Mike and Angel are fast asleep.)
Big John: Well, it's the end of the story, we gotta wake them up.
(Big John and Crow tap on Mike and Angel's shoulders, respectively.)
Mike: Huh? Wha? What happened?
Angel: Aw man, not again...
Tom: I'm sure if I fell asleep I'd be sleeping soundly too.
Big John: Yea, that comic was about as interesting as an Economics lecture.
>To be Continued
Crow: Good Lord, we're going to be getting more of this next week!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots are standing around, looking at each other.)
Tom: This is horrible! I want to go back to being my old, sweet, lovable self!
Big John: At least you weren't turned into a new age fruit.
(The Mads light comes on.)
Mike: Guys, I'm sure once Pearl sees that we're better off being ourselves, she'll turn us back.
(The screen opens up to show Pearl there. She is reading some computer output.)
Pearl: Oh, dear, dear... (looks up) Ah, Mike. It seems that the data indicates that changing you hasn't worked.
Crow: Oh, what a shame, well, I guess you'll have to turn us back into what we were...
Pearl: Not so fast, beak boy. I've got another plan. Observer, send up the revised wave!
(Deep INIT. Mike and the bots are surrounded by a white light. When it fades, they find themselves dressed in Generation X costumes. Angel is the White Queen, Mike is Banshee, Big John is Chamber, Gypsy is Husk, Crow is Jubilee, and Tom is Skin. They retain their usual heads, with the exception of Gypsy, who has her normal head with a tress of shoulder length blonde hair.)
All on Deep INIT: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Big John: We're Generation X clones! This is a fate worse than death!
Pearl: Well, we'll find out if things will go better next week, won't we?
(Our screen shuts off. End credits.)
Stinger line: Jesse: I'm losing it!