MST3K:
Thunderbolts #77w/ short: Pokémon
Originals: short by the American Tract Society, MiST by Icehole.
Feature by John Arcudi, MiST by Icehole
Author's note: I'm sorry to rag upon God's word. Many of you out there worship God, and so do I. I ask that you keep an open mind with this short. It is a bait and switch to get people to read religious dogma. It is written by some people who are a bit narrow-minded when it comes to religion. Please do not take this in an offensive manner. I am not mocking God; I am mocking their blatant use of a popular cultural icon to get kids to read about God. I apologize if you are offended by this, but if you don't like the short, just click here!
(Opening credits. Deep INIT bridge. Mike is standing over a kettle. Inside the kettle is some liquid that is softly boiling. Mike is stirring the liquid. Nearby, the bots look on.)
Tom: Hi and welcome to Deep INIT station. Mike's having a Wisconsin flashback and he thinks he's in that temp job he had at the cheese factory again.
Mike: Hey man, after work let's go to that Night Ranger concert.
Crow: Mike, Night Ranger broke up years ago. You're on a space station with three robots and your girlfriend.
Mike: Night Ranger broke up? Aw man, that's a bummer, dude!
(Commercial sign comes on.)
Big John: Maybe Angel can snap him out of it. Where is she, anyway?
Gypsy: In the little girl's room.
Tom: We'll be back after this.
(Commercials. More bad stuff thrown at you that you don't want. When we come back, same scene. Angel has entered the picture.)
Angel: Mike, what are you doing?
Mike: Hey, who's the hot babe here?
Crow: He thinks he's a temp worker in Wisconsin again.
Angel: I know how to handle this.
(Angel puts her arm around Mike.)
Angel: Mike, remember me? Remember the woman who followed you here? The woman that's about to kick you in a very private place if you don't?
Mike: Uh… I…
Angel: Don't make me have to hurt you, Mike.
(Mads light comes on.)
Mike: Angel…? What happened?
Big John: We'll talk about things later. The three stooges are calling.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are there. Next to Pearl is a large machine, about the same size as her. It has a bunch of dials and switches on it.)
Pearl: Hi Nullson. I've got a brand new invention to show you, it's a weather-controlling device. You know, people often talk about the weather, but I'm going to be the first person to actually do something about it. Brain Guy, start it up.
(Observer pushes a few buttons on it, and turns a couple of switches.)
Observer: All ready, Pearl. What kind of weather do you want on the unsuspecting townspeople?
Pearl: Well, it's the middle of summer… how about a nice snowstorm?
(Observer flips a few switches. Deep INIT. Mike, Angel and the bots stand there.)
Mike: You know, every invention of yours has always not worked, why do you keep trying?
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Because I am evil! I want to make something truly evil, Mike!
(Snow starts falling in the room that Pearl, Observer and Bobo are in.)
Observer: Uh, lawgiver, I don't mean to be pedantic or anything, but shouldn't it be snowing outside?
(Angry, Pearl slaps Observer's brainpan.)
Observer: OW!
Pearl: Well, it seems we've got a few bugs to work out here… while we do that, let's send you this week's experiment. It's a continuation of the Thunderbolts new continuity, it's called Thunderbolts #77, and it sucks even more than the last one. Also, just because this one didn't work this time around, I'm going to serve it with a short. A nice little religious tract called Pokémon.
(Deep INIT.)
Crow: We can handle it, I know!
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>Pokémon
Mike: Ah, there's nothing like a passé trend, is there?
Crow: Uh Mike, that's what people say about us.
>Kids everywhere are catching
Pokémon and training them to fight.
Big John: Well, I didn't know they still did that.
Tom: Well, they recently released 100 new Pokémon.
Angel: I think a better question is why?
>The highly-charged Pikachu,
the fire-benching Charizard and scrappy Mewtwo battle their competitors for
honor and "trainer badges."
Mike: Uh-oh. We've got a writer who's only heard a few terms about Pokémon.
Crow: Well, considering we've been force-fed tons of crappy Pokémon fan fiction, we've got knowledge of what's going on here.
>They are found along with
all the other Pokémon in video games, toys, a movie, and Pokémon: The Card
Game.
Big John: Oh, great; Clueless AND dated. There have been three movies!
>A lot of kids like to
collect Pokémon, study their strengths, and bathe them against rival trainers.
Kids try to capture each one to become the "number one Pokémon master in
the world."
Tom: That honor belongs to Kenchiaro Fukuzaka of Osaka, Japan. He's more than welcome to it in my opinion.
>But playing in the Pokémon
world is not like real life. They are only pretend.
Angel: Try telling that to an 8-year-old.
>Wouldn't it be awesome to
have a friend with special powers and strengths way beyond our own?
Mike (angry): It doesn't exist, so get over it!
>But wait!
Crow: Oh, God! Not another slow-paced tract again! We've got more padding!
>Have you ever thought about
God and all the awesome power he has?
Big John (sarcastically): Ah, Pikachu can take him down in a fair fight.
>He made the huge oceans,
immense solar system and billions of different people, all with his own hands.
Tom (upset): That's not how you told me kids were made!
>He even made you!
Crow: But I thought Joel made me! I feel disillusioned!
>God loves you and he created
you for a special reason.
Angel: To shoot down bad media and be the token woman up here?
Mike: Well, Gypsy's a woman.
Angel: Well, yea…
>There is one thing above all
else he wants you to do un your quest.
Big John: Give us TONS of money!
>He wants you to meet his
son, Jesus.
Tom: Jesus, the world, the world, Jesus. Have fun and watch out for crosses!
>Jesus is truly powerful. He
healed disease, raised people back to life and calmed violent storms.
Angel: And because of that, we nailed him to a cross. Isn't that wonderful?
>He's forgiven tough
criminals and gang members and transformed them into nice people.
Crow: Well, we should have him meet both George W. Bush and Saddam Hussain!
Mike: Can we back up here a bit? I'm confused as to how this relates to Pokémon.
>The most awesome thing Jesus
ever did was to come back to life.
Big John: It was 5 o'clock at his job.
>When Jesus chose to die on the
cross to pay for our sins,
Tom: He got $3.50 back in loose change.
>his archenemy Satan thought
he could take over the world.
Angel: You mean he hasn't?
Crow: What would make you think that?
Angel: Our economy's in the toilet, our leaders have no clue about what to do, they start wars with countries to divert attention from this, and then the countries retaliate…
Big John (Sings): And you/ Tell me/ Over and over again my friend/ You don't believe/ We're on the eve of destruction…
>But then Jesus rose from the
grave with even greater power because death could not hold him.
Mike: I still don't see how this relates to Pokémon.
Tom: Mike, when I figure that out for myself, I'll let you know.
Angel: I'm beginning to smell bait and switch here!
>Jesus really beat Satan.
Beat him bad.
Crow: However, Jesus won by the Florida vote, and thus a controversy lies to this day!
Big John (sings): Beat on that brat/ Beat on that brat/ Beat on that brat with a baseball bat!
>Jesus Christ is the most
powerful Master in the universe.
Mike: So he's even stronger than God?
Tom: How dare you question the religious right!
>and he lives in the hearts
of all the people who trust him.
Angel: The rent's cheaper there.
>And each time a new person
trusts him, his power goes into them!
Crow: Evidently, his power doesn't include stopping grammatical errors. You're not supposed to start a sentence with a conjunction!
>You can have the immense
power and love of Jesus living in your heart, too. Your love will be so
powerful that you will be able to do great things for God.
Big John: I can't see how this relates to Pokémon either. You know, only a really bad writer strays from his/her subject like this.
>Like tell other people about
Jesus (train them), and help his army grow even more.
Mike: Oh yes, sign me up! I know thousands of people who would just Mike: Oh yes, sign me up! I know thousands of people who would just love to become mindless zombies for God!
>Then when you die someday
(Which everybody does),
Tom: reading too many tracts like this,
>Jesus will take you to
heaven to live with him forever. Cool!
Angel: Of course, he's never home because he's out getting his servants whom he's called to live in heaven.
>For Jesus to live in your
heart, just tell him you are sorry for the bad things you've done and thought
about. Especially those things that hurt other people or their feelings.
Crow (a la the Prisoner): Give it to me baby, confess!
>Those all make God unhappy,
but he forgives us when we tell him we BELIEVE Jesus died and rose
again.
Big John: So all Buddhists, Shintos, Native American worshipers, and anyone else who doesn’t believe in Jesus are just screwed.
>Jesus promises to come in
and love in your heart if you pray a prayer like this:
Mike: Lord in heaven, rescue us from thy worshipers…
>Dear Jesus, I want you as my
true Master.
Tom: Because you'd teach me ninjitsu a lot better than John Peter McAllister ever could!
Angel: Huh?
Crow: We'll tell you later.
>I believe you died and rose
again so I could be forgiven and have you live in my heart.
Big John: I emptied a spot out just for you! The rent's cheap too!
>Someday I will live with you in heaven for all eternity! Thank you, Jesus, Amen!
Mike: Of course, you'll have to wait in line, since thousands of other people will be ahead of you.
(Commercials. Stuff you don't want or need thrown at you. When we come back, Theater or Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots are still sitting there.)
>Fights.
Tom (sings): What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and understanding?
>Women.
>Bling-bling.
Big John: Armadillo like bling-bling!
>Unscrupulous managers
Crow: Bill Jemas?
>Thunderbolts
>For Real Men
Tom: Featuring very unrealistic looking women on the cover.
Mike: You know this picture does seem mighty familiar.
>Temptation: A dirty word?
See feature article.
Crow: I'd rather watch Freddy Got Fingered again.
>How to meet girls – and NOT
get your teeth kicked in, p. 22
Angel: Comic book guys talking about how to meet girls? Talk about the blind leading the blind!
>Growing up lonely: Single
moms: -- a father's choice, p. 10
Big John: Well, it's also the choice of the mother too, you know.
Mike: Hey, she's got a Billy Idol sneer.
Crow: Oh, you and your 80's again…
>Fight night!
Tom: Apparently, fighting during the day isn't kosher anymore.
>Welcome to Marvel comics for
real men.
Angel: Like a real man would want to buy a comic book.
>Daniel Axum is right out of
prison
Big John (ghetto accent): Straight out of Folsom!
>and fresh out of luck.
Mike: They have some down at the store; it's on sale.
>When he sees his last chance
staring him in the face
Crow: He runs like a scared chicken!
>It spits in his one good eye
instead of giving him a hand up.
Angel: Yea, that's a guy for you.
Tom: But luck is said to be a woman, you know, lady luck.
Angel: Luck is a guy. That's obvious.
>But he's trying. Lord know
he's trying
Big John: Only if the writer would do the same.
>to walk the narrow path of a
good man. But for how long…
Crow (Sings): How long/ To sing this song…
>Welcome to the new
Thunderbolts
Mike: We'd rather stay away, thank you.
>The choice – Axum vs.
Armadillo
>The manipulator Rey Trueno
Angel: You know this character isn't really winning you points with LULAC.
>The conscience Mr. Eales
Tom: Eales? Is he the slippery one?
>The stakes Axum's boy
Big John: He wagered his own kid on a fight?
>The hard@$$ Coach
Crow (sergeant voice): Drop and give me twenty now!
>Daniel Axum, a super-powered
behemoth trying to walk the straight and narrow, can't even buy a drink at the
end of a hard day.
Angel: Good. Better he stay clean and sober.
>Who doesn't deserve two fingers
of whiskey, you ask?
Mike: Uh… how about people under 21?
Tom: People who can't handle liquor?
Big John: People who buy Marvel comics like this one?
>Apparently, an ex-con who
can't pay his tab (or anyone under 21)…
Crow: Yes, let's encourage people under 21 to drink.
Angel: I don't think there's any amount of alcohol that could make this look good.
>But he may not be totally
out of luck –
Mike: If he's in a Marvel comic, he's out of luck.
>a kind stranger has got a
pitcher of beer, free of charge, right here!
Big John (suggestively): Hey little boy, want a beer?
>Of course, it's hard to
enjoy when that pitcher gets dumped on your head.
Tom: Free beer! Lick yourself!
>Who'd ruin a man's nightly ritual
at his neighborhood bar, taking his pride in the process?
Crow: Who cares?
>Enter: Rey Trueno and his
right-hand man, Coach Cady.
All: And Norm!
>While Trueno's hand wasn't
on the pitcher –
Angel: They found his fingerprints on it, and subsequently booked him for wasting beer!
>that honor goes to the Coach
– his fingerprints are all over it.
Mike: So Coach and Rey were arguing, and decided to get Axum involved. Smart move there…
>Trueno sees in Axum a
potential star –
Big John: Or just another potential loser.
>a man who can take Trueno's
underground fighting league to the big leagues.
Tom: But would Vince McMahon approve?
>But after a few years in
stir, does Axum, now working on a construction job instead of working an angle,
still have what it takes?
Crow: I think a better question is who cares? Answer: Nobody!
>Or is that cut physique just
jailhouse boredom with no hard edge?
Angel: Well, it's better than being someone's whipping boy.
>Join us now as we look in on
these desperate lives and find out…
Mike: Aw, do we have to?
Big John: Well, it's not like we have a choice in the matter.
>Caption: The Limbo Bar,
Hoboken.
All (a la the Pace commercial): New Jersey!?
Tom: Get a rope.
>Rey: Come on, Broughton. Hit
him. Things he said to you, who'd blame ya'?
Crow (sings): I/ I blame you…
>Yea, that's right. I know
you, Danny Broughton.
Big John: And I know all the naughty things you've been doing too. We've been monitoring you, Danny.
Angel: Big John…
>You used to be one of those
"super-villains" up in Manhattan.
Mike: There really isn't super about any of this, though.
>"Super-villain."
Tsss!
Tom: Oh no! Someone punctured that bag of air and all the air's escaping!
>What were you thinking?
Crow: We should ask the same to those who made this comic!
>Got kicked all over that
city by Spider-Man, and Daredevil and them.
Big John (as Axum): But it was their comic book! I didn't have a chance!
>And then that three year
stretch in the pen, that's what you got.
Angel: You know, maybe it's just me, but this doesn't really look like Rey's getting on Axum's good side.
>Whole world's been wiping
its butt with you.
All: EU!
>Don't let this punk
do it, too.
>Axum: Axum.
Mike: Come on, this continuity's only two issues old! Don't be throwing it away already!
>Rey: What's that?
Tom (as Axum): My last name… before they threw what little continuity they had away!
>Axum: I don't go by that
last name, Broughton, no more.
>Been changed to Axum two
years now. Guess you don't know me. Not really.
Crow: I think we've seen enough. I don't want to know any more about you.
>Coach: Now ain't that nice?
Big John (Sings): We've gotten so smart/ We know how to blow the whole world apart/ But when it comes to the simple things/ Like living together/ BAH!
(The others look at Big John as if he's lost his mind.)
Big John: That was Oingo Boingo, you know, Danny Elfman's band…
(Deadly silence.)
Big John: Never mind.
>Our boy went and got himself
one of those monkey names.
Angel: He's now called Bobo?
>How to lose
Mike: Your readership? Just suddenly change continuity into this crap!
>Axum: Look, I'm sorry man,
and I'm glad you ain't dead.
Tom: Ah-ha! They admit they're trying to kill the audience with bad writing and terrible dialog!
>Coach: Don't lie to me, boy.
You ain't sorry.
Crow: Depends on what you mean by sorry.
>Not yet.
Angel (as the Coach): I'll hit you back and you'll fall like the leaves!
>(Several panels of Axum and
coach fighting each other.)
Big John: Mindless violence time!
Mike: At least we're spared the dialogue.
>Coach: Okay…
>Okay… I give up. You win.
Crow: That's right, you'll never break us! Never you hear me! Give up now while you have a chance!
>Axum: I win?
Tom: You win only to lose, Axum.
>Lookit all this. Look what
you made me do.
Angel: Call Damage Control!
Big John (as Axum): But Axum's account overcharged there too!
>Cops show up, the gonna know
I broke parole.
Mike: And you're just standing around there instead of running like most people would?
>That's five more years in
the pen –- five years at least.
Crow: Best thing for you.
>#$%!
>I wish I'd kill you, old
man.
Tom (as Axum): Then I'd get the death penalty and not have to worry about being in jail anymore!
>Rey: Looked pretty good to
me, coach.
Big John: This guy likes mindless destruction of property.
>Coach: Yup. Strong as ever,
and still a good fighter. He'll do great, I think.
Mike: Do great at what??
Angel: Definitely not boosting sales, that's for sure.
>Daniel: ?
>Coach: I'll talk to you
later. I need a drink. A big one.
Crow: Well, if you hadn't poured that pitcher of beer over Axum, you'd have a drink now, wouldn't you? Besides, alcohol dehydrates a person. After a workout, it's better to have some water or a sports drink.
>Rey: Fine, I'll take care of
business.
Tom (sings): Taking care of business…
>Axum: Business?!!
Hold on. Hold on.
Big John (sings): If you hold on/ For one more day/ Hold on…
>The two of you played
me!!
Mike (a la Batman): I'll play this town like a fiddle!
>Do you know what you done
to me, shrimp?!!!
Angel: Axum angry! Axum smash!
>Rey: Be nice to me, Esé.
Crow (as Rey): I've got a wife and 13 whores depending on me.
>I paid T-Bone for the damage
to his bar, and the owner of this?
Tom: Is just plain screwed.
>He'll find a Lexus waiting
for him tomorrow morning.
Big John (as the car owner): I have to pay how much a month for this car!? I've been laid off, I can't even afford food, let alone a luxury car payment!!
Mike: But what about the streetlight? Are you gonna pay the city for that?!
>Axum: What? What's
this all about?
Mike (sings): They scream it and they shout/ Don't ask me/ 'Cause I don't know…
>Rey: It's all about you –
>Mr. Axum.
Angel: You, you, you. I'm sick of hearing about you. Why can't we talk about me for once!?
>Caption: Soon…
Crow: Man, time has passed and still the police haven't shown up!
>Axum: Fighting? You mean
like boxing?
Big John: Don't jump to conclusions.
>Rey: No, no, more like street
fighting, only with
Tom: 1/3rd of the intelligence?
>guys as strong as you. See,
every time there's a fight, people just gotta watch. They can't stay away.
Mike (Sings): Stay/ Stay away! Never change!
>Really, it's like you used
to do before you went to jail.
Angel: And you'll get kicked around just like you did back then too!
>Only you won't go to jail for
this, and you going to get paid. Ten large, easy.
Crow (as Axum): Hmm… ten large to get Axum's butt kicked… sounds good to Axum!
>Axum: So this is all legal?
Big John: Probably not, but you've already got a one-way ticket back to the big house!
>Rey: Ah, I got all kinds of
licenses. Don't worry about that.
Tom: You're going to do illegal things just like you did back then.
>Point is, people lay out to
see these kinds of fights. They lay out big!
Mike: Those protestors are always trying to block the entrances with their sit-ins! Those bleeding heart liberals should be taken away!
>Axum: "Don't worry
'bout that" huh?
Angel (as Axum): The last time someone said that to Axum, Axum ended up in Ryker's island!
>I know what that means.
Crow (as Axum): Axum graduate from Tor Johnson School too!
>Means I don't want no part
of this, is what it means.
Big John: Oh, I can see how that – huh?
>Rey: I'm paying for all this
damage you did.
Tom (as Rey): I own your @$$, fatboy!
>Don't you kind of owe it to
me to hear me out?
Mike: I heard more than I wanted to hear at the word "Fights."
>Axum: You damn right
you payin' for it.
Angel (as Axum): Axum out of money!
>It's on you it got all broke
in the first place. You and that old cracker.
>I gotta stay out of trouble,
see?
Crow (gangster accent): I'm going on the straight, see? Gotta lie low, see?
>And I ain't trying to borrow
none from you.
Tom: Don't you just love this good grammar? Well, this was worth what the writer was paid.
Big John: I hear writers get paid about 4% of gross sales. That's about $400 a month. Grade A writers like Kevin Smith and Peter David get about 5% - or about $500 a month.
Mike: Well, you get what you pay for. No wonder Jemas has gotten cheap.
>Rey: Are you sick of losing,
Daniel? Aren't you sick of it?
Angel (as Rey): Then you shouldn't go with me!
>Axum: What you know about
it, little rich man?
Crow: Ritchie Rich?
>Rey: You think a short guy
like me don't know what it's like to get his @$$ kicked? You think I never lost
nothing?
Big John: Well… yes. Most rich people are the offspring of those who are rich.
>I know what the pen's like.
Tom (as Rey): I use one every day to write things down!
>Got somebody telling you when
to sleep, when to eat, even when to take a dump.
Mike: And you're going right back there, Axum!
>Your friends, your woman,
they say they comin' to see you, but they don't.
Angel: Because like us, they don't care about you.
>You're all alone.
Crow (sings): You're all alone/ behold the mystery that is me.
>Never felt more alone in
your life.
>Then you get out -- and it's
worse.
Tom (ghetto accent): You do the crime, you do the time!
>You want things like they
were before, but it's all changed.
Big John: Can't go back, boy.
>People you used to know,
they won't even look at you.
Angel: Well, in your case, I can understand why.
>You get enough of that, you
stop feeling human.
>See?
Mike: It's called a card. Am I going to fast for you?
>I know what it's like to
lose.
Crow: Well, one thing you haven't lost is weight!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike and Angel are there by themselves.)
Angel: Well, we've got a few minutes to ourselves, so would you like to tell me what all that thing about being a cheese maker was about?
Mike: What being a cheese maker?
Angel: Cambot, roll that footage again.
(They repeat the intro footage.)
Mike: Well, I really don't know what to make of that.
Angel: Well, let's not have any of those flashbacks again, all right?
(Commercial sign comes on.)
Mike: Sure.
Angel: Well, we've got commercial sign now.
(Commercials. Pretty bad garbage thrusted in your face. When we come back, Theater of torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit.)
>Rey: With me, you can win.
Tom (Sings): It's a town full of losers/ And I'm pullin' out of here to win!
>And ten thousand is a pretty
good payday. Think about it.
Crow (as Rey): I hope you don't mind getting paid in Indonesian Rupees. The exchange rate is about 15,000 to the dollar.
>(Axum throws away the card.)
Big John (as Axum): Good riddance to bad rubbish!
>Voice: I didn't say he
wasn't here, Gina.
Mike (Gangster accent): De boss is havin' a little chat with him.
>Axum's mother: I only said
he couldn't come to the phone.
Angel (as Axum's mother): I yak on it constantly so he can't use it!
>Gina: Do you think I'm
stupid?
Tom: Uhm… do you really want us to answer that?
>He can't come to the phone
'cause he's where? In the wine cellar?
Crow: He's trashing half of New Jersey, as if it wasn't trash already.
>Axum's mother: Because he's sleeping.
Big John (as Axum's mother): And I'm not about to wake up someone who can bench press a bus!
Mike (as Gina): You tell sleeping beauty in there that he'd better have some money tomorrow or I'll have him hauled back to the pokey!
>Because he's got to get up
early, because he has a job –
Angel (as Axum's mother): Which is more than I can say for many people out there! We can thank George W. for that!
Big John: Actually, the president has very little control over the economy.
Tom: That sure doesn't stop him for taking credit for it when things go good, now does it?
>-- because somebody has to
feed that little boy of yours.
Crow (as Axum's mother): Better not let her know that it's me that's doing the feeding.
>Gina: Well, him being so
concerned about Little Benny like that, maybe he want to tell me why the child
support check is late again.
Mike: Wait a minute. He's having to take care of their child AND give child support checks to her?
Angel: The check's in the mail.
>You know, when he "wakes
up."
Big John (authoritative voice): You'd better wake up, boy, if you want to get anywhere in this world!
>Axum's mother: That was
Gina. She says the child support check hasn't come yet.
Tom (as Axum): That damn woman always wantin' my money!
>But she was so nasty
about it. I swear, Daniel, what did you ever see in that –
Crow (as Axum): She was easy, all right? Get off my back, mama. I've had a hard day at work.
>-- girl…
Angel (as Axum's mother): Laudy sakes, Daniel! Look at what you're fightin' has done to you! I didn't raise you to be like this!
>I told her you were
sleeping.
Mike: Was he sleeping with a tiger or something?
Big John: Well, some women –
Angel (interrupts): Don't go there, Big John.
>I just lied for you,
boy, and you come home looking like that?
Tom (as Axum's mother): At least you could have wiped your feet before coming in! Now I'm going to have to clean up all that blood on the floor!
>You promised me.
Crow (sings): Indian giver/ Indian giver/ Took back the love you gave to me…
>You said no more trouble.
What kind of father –
>Axum: Mama, that ain't how
it is!
Angel (as Axum): I uh… had an accident at work! Yea, that's the ticket!
>It ain't.
Mike: Man, this guy has such good grammar, doesn't he?
Big John: Oh, come on, he's the one we're supposed to identify with.
Tom: I can't identify with him.
>Caption: Child support. Food
for me and mama. How'm I ever s'posed to do this?
Crow: You could try not spending all your money on beer.
>All right, I just don't stop
at the Limbo tonight.
Angel: That's all right, T-Bone will send one of his boys around to have a little chat with you.
>Get paid today, so I take my
check right over to Gina's. Finally, I get paid up on support, and I get to see
my boy.
Mike: Too bad the kid doesn't want to see you.
>Voice from off panel: Hey, Danny.
Big John (as the voice): Some idiot hijacked the payroll. We're unable to pay you until two weeks from now.
>Axum: Call me Daniel, Mr.
Meer.
Tom: Call me Ishmael.
>Why do you make such a big
deal out of that?
Crow: Probably the same reason you keep calling him Danny when he doesn't want you to.
>I mean, Danny, Daniel,
what's the diff?
>You call a little boy Danny.
Big John: And your point is?
>I want you to remember that
you're talkin' a man.
Angel: A man? Where?
>Supervisor: Fine, Daniel.
>Your parole officer
is here to see you.
Mike: Something about a bar last night…
Tom: BUSTED!
>He's in my office.
Angel (as the supervisor): With a pair of handcuffs and something about a parole violation.
>Axum: Hello, Mr. Eales.
>Y'know, I was comin' to see
you on Monday. You don't gotta be droppin' by my work.
Crow (as Axum): 'Cause they dock me every time you interrupt work.
>Eales: Ummm, well, you see,
Daniel, something's come to my attention. Please sit down.
Big John (as Eales): because I don't want you suddenly breaking my neck when I tell you you're going back to jail.
>Axum: Somethin' wrong?
Mike: Well, the writing for starters… the artwork could be a little better too…
>Eales: Daniel, are you
familiar with a tavern not too far from here named "Limbo"?
Tom (as a lying child): Uh… no….
>Caption: Dam Trueno!! He lied.
He didn't pay off T-Bone, didn't buy no Lexus!
Angel: What do you expect from a sleazy, underground street fighting promoter who surrounds himself with whores?
>I don't go his way and this
how he do me.
>I'm screwed, man. I'm
screwed!
Crow: Better hope that Rocco will still be your servant when you get back in!
>Eales: I've been told that
you were seen last week drinking bourbon in this tavern. Is that true?
>Axum: Burbon?
Big John (as Axum): Well, beer, vodka, rye and whiskey yes, but not bourbon!
>Eales: Drinking alcohol is a
violation of your parole, Daniel. Next time, I'll have to report you.
Mike: Who was his release judge, Ron Chapman?*
>Axum: You droppin' down on
me all about a little whiskey?
All: Bourbon!!
Tom: Would you rather have him take you back to jail?
>Eales: It may not seem like
so a big thing, but that was one of the conditions of your release.
Angel: Great, the world doesn't need more drunks.
>We've talked about this
before. The world is a different place for you now.
Crow: Too bad he hasn't changed.
>Axum: You tellin' me
it's different! I'm livin' it!
>Ain't I allowed a little
escape from all this mess?
Big John: Well, we don't get one, so why should you?
>Anybody needs it, it's me.
Mike: Well, what about us? We get a crappy piece of media every week! Do we get a break? Nooooo!
>Eales: If you're having
trouble with alcohol, I have a phone number –
>Axum: I don't need no damn
number!
Tom (as Axum): Axum drink, Axum get drunk, and Axum fall down, no problem!
>Wait, I didn't mean to yell.
Angel (as Axum): I meant to sing it!
>Look, my ex don't let me see
my son, and this job, it don't pay near enough, and that damn foreman…
Crow: Well, if you hate the job, just try living on unemployment!
Big John: You mean there's such a thing anymore?
>I'm sayin', one drink after
a bad day. You done that, right?
>I'm not on parole.
Big John: Translation: It's none of your damn business so butt out!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Commercials. More stuff you don't want or need hawked at you in such a way as to turn you off. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Tom and Crow are standing opposite each other. Big John is nearby.)
Big John: And now presenting the battle of the new millennium! Tom Servo vs. Crow T. Robot in boxing! 15 rounds!
(Angel comes by carrying a card that reads "Round 1" on it. She exits.)
Big John: And… begin!
(Crow and Tom approach each other.)
Crow: You're going down, gumball brain!
Tom: You're going to be sucking floor when I'm done with you, beak breath!
(They stand face-to-face with each other.)
Crow: I'm gonna punch you big time!
Tom: No way! You're going down!
(Pause.)
Big John: Well, aren't you going to hit each other?
Crow: We have one tiny problem….
Tom: Our arms don't work.
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>Caption: "Just keep
away from that tavern."
Mike: Especially since you trashed the place last night!
>(Axum looks at some money.)
Tom: Kiss it goodbye, dude. You never really had that money.
>(Axum walks around, and
looks downhearted.)
Angel: Come on, we've had enough of the silent treatment during that 'nuff said month.
>(Axum rifles through a trash
bin.)
Crow: Man, I know times are tough, but I doubt you're going to find anything good in that trash bin.
>Voice from off panel: Don't
worry, Esé.
>Rey: I got another one for
you.
Big John: No, no! Don’t do it! Don't do it!
>Kill him! Kill him! Kill
him!
Mike: Nice to know they're all so friendly and loving.
>Crowd: Kill the
Armadillo!
Tom: Best thing for him.
>Armadillo: Makin' losta noise
t'night.
Angel (as Armadillo): Armadillo show crowd whose boss! Armadillo kill him!
>They mus' think the other
guy's pritty good, pritty tough.
Crow: Well, he sure isn't pretty in other ways.
>But we c'n take 'im, right,
coach?
Big John (as the coach): Well, he kicked my butt good, but he's a wus.
>Coach: Up to you, 'Dillo.
Mike (as the coach): Just follow the script like we rehearsed, all right?
>Armadillo: Up t'me?
Tom (sings):It's up to you…
>Right, right. I'm th'
fighter… s'up t'me.
Angel (as the Coach): Follow the script, all right? We don't want anyone getting hurt here.
>So what's the sheet on this
guy?
Crow (gay voice): Oh, I thought we'd have a nice percale in a lovely harvest gold color, what do you think?
>Coach: Sorry, I got nothing on
him.
Big John: That's not the only place you've got nothing.
Mike: Big John!
Big John: I was talking about inside his head! Jeez, give me a break now and then.
>Armadillo: What ya' talkin'
about?
Tom (as Arnold Drummond): Whatchoo' talkin' about, Willis?
>You gotta have sumpin'!
Angel: Sorry, the sump pumps are broken. It'll take six weeks to fix 'em.
>Coach: He's strong – I
heard. That help?
Crow: I doubt anything can help this!
Big John: Still, we have to try…
>Armadillo: You jokin' wif me?
Mike (as Armadillo): Armadillo not like joke! Armadillo angry! Armadillo smash!
>Yer my coach, man!
Tom: And Bob's yer uncle, too!
>We been doin' this fer
months.
Angel: And it really shows, too.
>You scouted all 'em other fighters,
got me info on 'em, gave me th' edge, wha's diff'rent about this one?
Crow: Uhm… he's a loser to begin with?
>Coach: I couldn't get any
information, okay? That's life.
Big John: But you somehow miraculously got your black eye healed!
>Armadillo: Hell's going on
here?!
Mike: In a Marvel comic, that's pretty much a given.
>Las' week, yer actin' like
yer my only friend in the whole worl', sayin' how yer lookin' out for me.
Tom: Well, Tor Johnson got whipped in Bride of the Monster. Things happen, Armadillo.
>Now you make like I'm not
even inna room!!
Angel: Huh? Who said that? Where's that voice coming from?
>Coach: Dillo – Tony, just
take it easy.
Crow (sings): Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy…
>Look, sometimes I can get a
good sheet on the opponent, sometimes I can't.
Big John (wimpy voice): Armadillo, please don't hit me. I've already got one black eye.
>I'm disappointed too,
All: You're not the only one that's disappointed!
>but it's really as simple as
that. You're reading way too much into this.
Mike (as Armadillo): But Armadillo can't read!
>Armadillo: No, ain't me!
S'you! Y'r diff'rent!
Tom (sings): It ain't me/ It ain't me/ I ain't no fortunate son…
>Yer actin' diff'rent. I feel
it. You cuttin' me loose, aren't you?
Angel: Well, you've been living in our basement for over six months now, I think it's time you got out there and got yourself a real place!
Crow (as Armadillo): But you not pay Armadillo! Armadillo not have money to move out!
>Coach: For #@!$#'s sake,
Tony. Be a man.
Big John: Armadillo a man? Armadillo not know that!
>Come on, let's go.
>Armadillo: hhhhhh….
>hhhhhhh…
>HHHHH…
Mike: Someone give him a whack on the side, I think his CD's stuck.
>Caption: What was I
thinkin', comin' here? Must be out of my mind.
Tom: A bit too late to back down now.
>Man, look at that thing.
Angel: Why? I get sick to my stomach when I do that.
>I'm supposed to fight that?
This is crazy.
Crow: Well, both of you got your butts kicked by superheroes. We're going to see who's the wimpiest!
>Crowd: There he is!
Big John (sings): There he is ? Mr. America…
Mike: He's more like Mr. Iraq here.
>Kill the 'Dillo!
>This is the guy to do it!
I know it!
Tom: Maybe it's just me, but I think you're in for a bit of a disappointment here.
>You're going down, Dillo!
Big John: Oral? Who'd want oral from him?
(Not amused, Angel and Mike slap Big John.)
Big John: Ow!
>You dead, red-eyes, dead!
Mike (gangster accent): De boss don't like the way you've been handlin' yourself. He's sent a few boys around t'have a little chat with youse.
>(Someone hits the Armadillo
with an ice cream cone. Armadillo then strikes a guy, sending him flying.)
Tom: That's going to require hospitalization.
>Caption: Damn!
>Now, son. Gotta shake off
them doubts.
Angel: I'd run if I were you.
Crow (as Axum): Daniel sign contract! Daniel can't run now!
Tom: Good thing this isn't a battle of wits. Both opponents would be completely unarmed!
>Just one fight, just one.
You get ten grand, and then you be set. Just one fight, and you out.
Mike (a la the Godfather): I wanted out, but they keep pullin' me back in!
>Guy: You can do it, homes.
You can beat that freak!
Big John (as the Guy): Of course, I also think the Iraqi army will easily repel US and British forces!
>Caption: Hell yeah, I can.
Tom: This message brought to you by fantasy. Why live in reality? It's so boring there.
>Voice from off panel: Yo, Milk-eye!
Angel: Axum always had a poor sense of direction when it came to drinking milk.
>Axum: What? You call me?
Crow: Axum like large breasted bimbo! Axum want to score! Axum not score since having to be Rocco's b***h in prison!
>Big-breasted bimbo: All your
friends cheering you on?
Mike: All one of them?
Big John: I didn't think he had that many friends.
>They're wrong.
>You ain't got a chance.
Tom (As the woman): With a woman like me! I only date hot hunks that make seven figure salaries!
>White-eye.
Angel: Why is she bending over like that?
Crow: It's cheap sales-boosting device #21.
Mike: Sure didn't help the sales of Generation X #42.
>Armadillo: RRRRRAAA!
Big John: Translation: Thanks for distracting him so I can land a few cheap shots before he realizes what's going on.
>(A few panels of Armadillo
beating up Axum. Axum falls like a lead weight.)
Angel (as the woman): See? I was right! I'm the buxom bimbo, so I always get to be right!
>Armadillo: THERE!! THERE!
SEE, SEE? I STILL GOT IT.
Crow: Armadillo want babe! You promise ta-tas if Armadillo win!
>C'N STILL FIGHT! YOU WATCH!
JUS' WATCH –-
Tom: Sure, I didn't like my lunch when I ate it earlier anyway.
>I'M GONNA KILL THIS
LOSER!
>Caption: In 30 days -- Who
Leaves Feet First?!
Mike: I'd have to go with the readers, running away from this as fast as they can.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots are standing around there.)
Angel: All right, earlier you talked about Generation X #42. What was that all about?
Mike: Well, sudden changes in Marvel continuity and top brass' orders to incorporate them suddenly were responsible for this one. They took an already bad writer, Larry Hama, and had him work at breakneck speed to get something done.
Crow: Yea, and Generation X #42 holds the record for most mistakes in a Marvel comic book with over 50 of them!
Big John: It was the first one I got stuck with.
Tom: We've still got a copy of it underneath the desk here.
(Angel reaches under the desk, and pulls out a copy of Generation X #42. She looks at the cover.)
Angel: A Goth heroine?
Crow: Actually, she's the villainess of the story.
(Angel flips through a few pages. Her expression goes from normal to one of disgust and shock.)
Angel: Ugh… Those two are some sexist fantasy come to life…
Big John: Betsy and Ronee, right?
Angel: Now I see why Pearl sent this to you.
Tom: Well, you can find it in 50 cent bargain bins everywhere!
(Mads light comes on.)
Angel: Well, we survived yet again. I know that we're going to survive whatever they throw at us.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is standing next to the window.)
Pearl: This'll be so great… (turns) Ah, we've worked out the kinks to the weather-altering device. You'll now marvel at my true genius… (To the window) Start up the snowstorm, Bobo! (To Mike) I moved it outside and got Bobo to generate a raging snowstorm in the middle of June. Oh, those townspeople will be so sorry they tried to cross the great Pearl Forrester!
(Snow starts gently falling in the castle.)
Pearl: Well, back to the drawing board…
(End credits. Stinger:)
>Rey: Aren't you tired of losing,
Daniel? Aren't you sick of it?
--End--
*Ron Chapman is a Texas judge that was falsely accused of letting a defendant out of his courtroom to move his car. The defendant supposedly escaped.