MST3K:
Thunderbolts #76
(Opening credits. Deep INIT bridge. Big John is there by himself.)
Big John: Hello and welcome to Blind Date the show that takes that awkward time of dating someone for the first time and puts it all on syndicated television just so we can embarrass everyone in their 15 minutes of fame. On today's show, we've got a guy from Wisconsin and a woman from Minneapolis. Can they get along?
(The hexfield viewer shows a picture of Mike Nelson. The writing beneath his picture reads: Mike age: 38 likes: shorthaired brunettes. Dislikes: Smoking.)
Big John: They are Mike and Angel. Mike's been stranded in space for over six years now. We asked him what he looks for in a woman.
(Big John exits and Mike enters.)
Mike: I tend to like shorthaired brunettes. I hate smokers, women who are full of themselves, and high-maintenance women. I tend to really be easygoing, and I listen to what the woman says.
(Mike exits and Big John enters.)
Big John: Well we paired up Mike with Angel. Angel's from Minnesota, and one thing she absolutely hates is a player.
(The screen then shows a photo of Angel with the following information: Angel age: 36 likes: Slow walks dislikes: Players.)
Big John: We asked her to talk about a date she once had.
(Big John exits as Angel enters. Commercial sign comes on.)
Angel: Well, I met him at a bar, and he was pretty drunk to begin with. He tried to get me drunk so he could get me in bed, and I hated that. I ended up having to slap him and walk off.
(Angel exits and Big John enters.)
Big John: Well, coming up, we'll see how their date went, on Blind Date.
(Commercials. When we come back, Mike and Angel are meeting each other at Deep INIT bridge.)
Mike: Hi, I'm Mike, you must be Angel.
(They shake hands.)
Angel: Yes, it's nice to meet you.
(A thought balloon appears pointing to Angel. It reads: "Hmm… not bad. I could have done worse.")
Mike: So are you ready to go?
(The screen reads: "Translation: Are you ready for bed with me?")
Angel: Sure, let's go.
(The screen reads: "You're nice, but I'm not sleeping with you just yet." Mads light comes on.)
Mike: I hope you like what I have planned tonight.
(Enter the bots.)
Tom: Sorry to interrupt here, but the witch, the spook, and the hairy one are calling.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is standing there, attired in a pleasant dress. She is checking up on her makeup. Observer holds up the mirror she is looking into.)
Observer (Flatteringly): You look absolutely radiant, Pearl.
Pearl: I'd better. I want my date to be impressed with me. (turns to see Mike there.) Oh, hi Nelslum. I've signed up to go on that show Blind Date tonight. He's supposed to be a boxer like Oscar de la Hoya.
Observer (encouragingly): You're sure to knock him dead tonight.
Pearl: Well, we've got some time before he shows up, so I'm giving you today's experiment. It's the latest issue of the Thunderbolts, #76.
(Deep INIT.)
Crow: Thunderbolts? Well, they've been doing good so far…
Tom: Yea, but last issue said they were taking a new direction.
Big John: I got a feeling the direction they took was a nosedive.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Give the bot a prize! Oh, this one has stinkburger written all over it. Send 'em the comic book, Brain Guy.
(Deep INIT.)
Mike: Well, we survived Marvelville, we can beat this.
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots enter, and then sit down.)
>Thunderbolts
Crow: Wow! Cookie Puss looks like he was in a bad fight there.
Tom: Hey, someone finally kicked the crap out of the Orphan!
(All cheer.)
>"I think it's a good
work by talented people…a book to be proud of." – Kurt Busiek
Big John: Of course, he was referring to his work in the Avengers, not this trash.
>Caption: Welcome to the
fights!
Mike (sings): Welcome to the jungle/ We got fun and games…
>You've just walked into an
event we're calling Marvel Comics for Real Men.
Angel: Hosted by unrealistic looking women in very skimpy clothing.
>If you don't like drinking,
swearing, fighting, and most importantly, desperation,
Crow (obscenely cheerful): Then you must have been living in a hole since you were born.
>You should stick around,
read it anyway, and see if we can change your mind!
Tom: Into mush!
>Welcome to the new
Thunderbolts.
Big John: Just what was so wrong with the old one?
Mike: Well, Marvel seems to love reinventing continuity, even though the readers don't….
>Daniel Axum
Angel: Just learned the hard way that you can't beat Spider-Man's popularity.
>Armadillo
Crow (Sings): I wanna go home with the Armadillo/ Country music from Amarillo and Abilene…
>Axum's Mama
Tom: Mammy!
>Rey Trueno
Big John: Hey, Insane Clown Posse!
>Coach Caddy
Mike (authoritatively): Drop and give me twenty now!
>Hoboken, NJ - Former super-villain Daniel Axum – the
Battler – was beaten and sent to prison.
Angel: And judging by the photo, he's going to need some serious hospital work too.
>Now he's out, and he's
focused on his last-chance job,
Crow: How did he manage to get a job in this day and age?
>but he can't escape the
feeling that
Tom: He's stuck in a bad Marvel Comic book.
>he's watching the third
strike in his last-chance life as it blows right by him.
Big John (as Daniel): Life pass by. Daniel go for gusto.
>Until, an opportunity enters
his world, springing from a dark choice.
>Does Daniel Axum, who did
his time and is desperately trying to keep his life in order, stick to the
straight and narrow, or is there something else?
Mike: I think a better question is does anyone care?
>Complicating matters,
Angel: Not another convoluted Marvel plotline again!
Crow: Angel, they're all that way.
>as you're about to see,
Tom: But we'd rather not see.
>is Daniel's life. In the
years he was away, lots has changed, and not all of it for the better.
Big John (sings): Don't you ever wonder why/ nothing ever seems to change/ If it does it's for the worse/ Seems it's just a modern curse…
>But will the complications
make his choice easier or harder?
Mike: Again I have to ask, does anyone really care?
>Unbeknownst to Axum, just
across town you'll catch a glimpse of fight promoter Rey Trueno.
Angel: But why would you want to?
>Trueno, too, travels down
the path towards his own last chance, having hitched his wagon to a troubled
pug.
Crow: He got married to Pearl?
Pearl (From off screen): I heard that, beak boy!
>Right now, he's rolling in
cash and ladies, but is this as good as it gets?
Tom: No, that film actually had talented actors in it. This is a crappy comic book.
>Now join us as we look in on
the events that bring these desperate lives together…
Big John: They must be incredibly desperate to want to be in a Marvel comic book.
Mike: We can thank George W. for that.
Angel: But why? He really doesn't have any control over the economy.
Crow: Sure doesn't stop him from taking credit for it when things go right. I say if he's going to take credit for things when they go right, he should take the blame when things go wrong.
>Bum: Spare change? You got
some change?
Tom: Peter David no! Not again!
Big John: You mean someone actually has money these days to spare?
>(Man gives the bum a
nickel.)
>Bum: Thank you, brother.
Mike (as the guy there): You're welcome. Now get lost.
>Bum: A nickel. A nickel!?
Angel (as the guy): Dude, I have money, so I am protracted from reality. I think you can buy a beer with that!
>I can't buy anything with
that!
Crow: Welcome to George W's America.
>You got yourself a job,
a good one!
Tom: You mean there are jobs out there?
Big John: That is kind of stretching things beyond the limit of credibility.
>I see you comin' home every
night. That hard-hat, that lunch box!
Mike (as the guy): You're going to taste that lunch box if you don't shut up!
>I know you gots more in your
pockets than a damn nickel!
Angel: With today's economy, it's a wonder he has any money at all.
>Caption: Tuesday.
Crow (as the bum): I still want more than a nickel!
>Axum's mother: Daniel, is
that you?
>Daniel: Yeah.
Tom: Who did you think it would be if it wasn't him?
>Axum's mother: Supper will
be a little late.
>Daniel: Right, mama.
Big John (as Daniel): I'll just toss another single nickel to a bum.
>Axum's mother: I ran into Mrs.
McBride next door. She can talk, that woman.
Mike (as Axum's mother): She has a mouth, a tongue, and command of the English language! Why don't you have the same?
>Voice: I just lost track of
time.
>Daniel: MAMA!!!
Angel: Looks like he found out about being in a Marvel comic now.
>What's this?!!
Angel (as Forrest Gump): Looks like a newspaper to me.
>What's this $@!# doin' up
here!??
Crow: Now, is that really any way to talk to your mother?
>Axum's mother: Now Daniel,
please.
Tom: Don't make me get medieval on your butt! You can never whip mama!
>I know you're miserable,
Big John (as Axum's mother): because I made you that way!
>I see you every night,
Mike (As the mother): So why haven't you moved out yet, you've got a job!
>and I know you're very
unhappy,
Angel (as the mother): But don't blame me because women avoid you like the plague!
>so I thought if I reminded
you of how bad things used to be –
Crow (sings): We used to be happy/ We used to be…
>Daniel: How'm I 'bout to
forget, mama?
Tom: Boy, this guy makes Tor Johnson look like a genius.
>Stan Lee Presents: Bare
Knuckle
>As long as they go mirrors
in this world, how'm I 'bout to forget?
Big John: Um… plastic surgery?
>This grill, and three
years in the penitentiary to think of all I done wrong!
Mike (as Daniel): Daniel hate being reminded Daniel have no life!
>Don't need no more reminders
than that!
>Axum's mother: It could have
been worse, Daniel.
Angel: Bill Jemas could be writing this.
Crow: That's not much worse.
>It could have been fifteen,
or twenty years.
Tom (as Daniel): Daniel get released early because jails filled to capacity.
>Daniel: Psssss! Three
was plenty.
Big John: Daniel hate getting beaten up by people.
>Long enough for pops to die.
Long enough for my baby boy to get born, and my woman to step out.
Mike: Look pal, none of them cared about you. We don't care about you. Go away.
>Sold that house in Hempstead
to pay for that team of lawyers, and my life got just as #@&%ed up in three
years as it woulda in twenty.
Angel: I guess Johnny Cochran was out of your price range.
>Axum's mother: Forget
Hempstead. I don't mind New Jersey.
Crow: I think you're the only person that thinks that way.
>Anyway, the money you
bought that house with wasn't yours. Not really.
Tom (as Daniel): Daniel tell you, Daniel find money on street!
>Daniel: Alright, mama.
Alright.
>It's like you say. I got
what I deserved, or I got off easy. Whatever.
Mike (as Daniel): Daniel confused. You say get off easy, then you say get what deserved.
>But I don't want no papers
like this in my home again.
Big John (as Daniel): Daniel want papers with naked women in it.
(Not amused, Angel swats Big John.)
Big John: OW! C'mon!
>See, because, I already know I don't wanna go back to jail.
Angel (as Daniel): Daniel hate getting beaten up.
>I'm done stealing.
I'm done doing crimes.
Crow: Good for you! How about being done with the story now?
>I'm done with alla that.
>I'm done.
Tom: It's finished already? All right!
Big John: Nope, it's just a commercial break.
(Commercials. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike and Angel are sitting opposite each other at the counter. They appear to be having dinner. Mike is busy scarfing dinner down. Angel is busy eating. Then Mike stops, and looks at Angel.)
Mike: So, have you had a good time so far?
(Angel stops eating.)
Angel: About as well as can be expected.
Mike: So what's the one thing a guy can do that will really drive you wild?
(A thought balloon appears from Angel's head. It reads: "Not be you.")
Angel: Hmm… I love a killer smile on a guy.
(Mike smiles, showing he has a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth.)
Angel (winces): You've got a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth.
(Mike nervously picks the spinach out of his teeth.)
Mike: Sorry about that.
Angel: So what do you like in a woman?
(A thought balloon comes from Mike's head that reads: "Not be you.")
Mike: Well, I don't like the very high-maintenance types. I like a woman that's low maintenance.
Angel: Well, I don't ask for a whole lot out of life…
(A thought balloon comes from Angel's head. It reads: "I only want money and lots of it… I'll get what I want myself.")
Mike: That's nice.
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>Caption: Nothing.
Big John: That's exactly what you're looking at right now. It's also what the plot consists of.
>Nowhere but here.
>Ain't going to be no
tomorrow.
Mike: Don't you just love the good grammar of these people? This was worth 4 years in college.
>There never was a yesterday.
Angel: Oh well, I see how that – huh?
>Only now.
Crow: Yes, only now can you stop this! Please stop it!
>Only you –
Tom (Sings): Only you/ Can make my heart go boom…
>-- and me.
Big John: It's just you and me, girlfriend! Let's go on!
>And a word.
Mike: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoclorosis?
Angel: Antidisestablishmentarianism?
>Win.
Crow & Tom (chanting simultaneously): No winner! No winner! No winner!
Mike, Angel & Big John: Huh?
Crow: We'll tell you later.
>Black Guy: Armadillo, you
suck!!!
Tom (as Armadillo): I know! You don't have to tell me!
>Blonde guy: Eat $#!%, ya
freak!
Big John (as the Armadillo): No thanks, Armadillo just have Armadillo's stomach ripped out.
>Other guy: Rip his head
off!
Mike: These must be the people they survey when they want the majority to favor invading Iraq.
>Another guy: I wanna see
a #@*&in' head come off!
Angel (sings): What's so funny 'bout/ Peace, love, and understanding?
>Disembodied voice: I told
you he was gonna lose!
Crow (sings): You're gonna lose that girl…
>Caption: No, not lose.
>Win.
Tom: I wouldn't get my hopes up for that.
>Win.
>Win.
>Win.
>Win.
>Win.
>Win.
Big John: O.k.! We get the point now! You want to win!
>Win.
>Win.
>Win.
>Win.
>Win.
>Win.
Mike: I'm beginning to think he's a stuck in an endless loop here.
>Blonde Dude: Aw, what a gyp.
Angel (as the man): I had picked them in the third round!
>Bald dude: You suck,
'Dillo!
Crow (as the Armadillo): I can't help it if I'm some Mort Marvel dredged out of its vaults!
>Other dude: Aw, that
ain't legal!
Tom: Well, let's consult the judges. They're the same ones used in the skating competition in Salt Lake City.
Big John: Let's see what the crowd thinks about the script!
>Crowd: Boooo! Boooo! Boooo!
Mike: Should have seen that coming a mile away.
>Man: Mother hnhnhn son of
bcxtz…
Angel: Now now, let's be graceful losers here.
>Bald man: Yeah, yeah, well,
that's why they call it "gambling."
>Caption: Outside
Crow (Sings): This is where it all begins/ On the outside looking in.
>(Man taps on the window of a
car.)
Tom: Sorry, no Avon today.
>Rey: Jason, you know you're
not supposed to interrupt me while –
Big John (sings): Coitus interruptus because of next door's rows/ Your washing gets nicked when the lights go out…
Angel (upset): Big John!
>Jason: I got tonight's take,
Mr. Trueno.
Mike: Hey! These are $30 dollar bills! There's no such thing as a thirty-dollar bill with George Bush Sr.'s picture on it!
>Rey: Oh.
>Rey: Go away, Amber. But not
too far.
Angel: Hmm… pale white skin, red dress… must be a color blind Goth.
>Rey: Ah, greenbacks –
>That's what I want to see.
Crow (raps): It's all about he Benjamins! Yea!
>He was fast, too, right?
I'll send him up a couple of ladies tonight.
Tom (as Rey): Because I want him to get rejected like I get rejected.
>Maybe Cady was wrong. Maybe Armadillo's
still got it.
Big John: And maybe he'll be getting some tonight – not!
Mike: Big John!
>Jason: Mmmmaybe.
>Rey: Oh, now what's that
mean?
(Mike pulls out a dictionary.)
Mike: Let's see here… (Thumbs through dictionary) Maybe: possibly: there is a chance of things going one way or another. See political speeches.
>Jason: Eh, the fight. It
ended too fast. Like 'Dillo had to end it before… I don't know,
before something happened.
Angel: Well, we wish that something would happen here! This is BORING!!
>He's still strong enough,
but it's like…
Crow: He's a lame-o that fought Captain America and should have been left in the closet?
Tom: Man, Marvel really is scraping the bottom of the barrel to bring him back.
>… It's like Cady said: he's
hit a wall.
Big John: Then brought it down around everyone.
>Rey: Yeah, well, I guess Cady
would know.
Mike: All hail the omnipotent Cady!
>Jason: And if 'Dillo loses a
fight when we don't want him to, man, we'll take a bath.
Angel: Well, it's about time you took a bath. You stink to high heaven!
>Rey: Worse than that, he
loses, people might stop hating him, stop betting against him. Then
what we got?
Crow: Judging by the woman behind you, I'd say a slutsickle!
(Not amused, Mike and Angel swat Crow on the beak.)
Crow: OW!
Mike (gestures to Big John): You've been hanging around him too much.
Big John: Oh sure, blame me. He was already like that when I met him.
>Amber: Rey, I'm cold.
Tom (as Rey): Look baby, I don't pay you hundreds of dollars to stand there and whine. I pay you to perform! If you don't like what I say, you can go back to working the streets again!
>Rey: What the #*&% you
want me to do about it?
Big John (as Amber): Uh – nothing darling!
>I got business here. When
I'm finished, then maybe I'll give a $%#@ about you!
Crow: I got it! This is what Winky's been doing these days!
Mike & Angel: Who?
Crow: I'll explain later.
Tom: Well, it's nice to see he's actually popular with women… I guess.
>Damn, I hope Cady's wrong.
Mike: No way, Cady's never wrong!
>I want that bone-plated
cabrón to take us to the next level.
Angel (as Rey): We had a lot of "I hate the Armadillo" t-shirts printed!
>I don't want to start
over again.
Tom (as Rey): I don't want to go back to living in my mother's basement in Eau Claire!
>Jason: Cady says he's got somebody
in mind.
Big John: Cady's brother?
>Rey: Yea, I know Cady's got
somebody in mind.
>I run this joint,
right?
Mike (as Rey): Forget that fact and you'll be wearin' cement shoes, capiche?
>Jason: Right, sorry.
All: We know you are.
>Rey: When 'Dillo's next
bout?
>Jason: Next Teusday, 'gainst
the Monster.
Angel (as Rey): Tell Monster to take a dive in the fourth.
>Rey: That's safe, but move
it up to tomorrow. Then Cady and me, we'll set something up with this "somebody."
Crow (sings): I wanna meet somebody tonight…
>Jason: Okay, want me to
bring Amber back so she can – uh, finish?
Tom (as Rey): Nah, let her walk. It'll shut that yap of hers up for good.
Big John: That's definitely not the way to treat women.
Angel (Rolls her eyes): Your idea of how to treat women is trying to get them in bed.
Big John: Come on, make love, not war.
>Rey: No, no. You send her up
to the 'Dillo's room.
Mike: Man, he's incredibly desperate to shut her up, isn't he?
>See if one night with that nasty
freak don't teach her to keep her weather reports to her damn self.
Angel (as Amber): Come on, I'm only being a whore to pay my way through meteorology school!
>Caption: Wednesday.
Crow (sings): Tuesday, yes it was Tuesday when I saw my congressman come out of the titty bar!
>Voice (from off panel): Hey
Danny, I got a job for you.
Tom (as Daniel): Hey, the mob guarantees my job so bite me.
>One of the cats tipped over
while we were digging the foundation. It'll only take you a minute.
Big John: I'm eating, pal. Bite me.
>Daniel: It's Daniel.
>And I'm on my lunch.
Mike: His boss must have used to work for Wal-Mart.
>Boss: Sure, only the cat
operator isn't on lunch. Now I could get a winch, but that might take an hour –
an hour we're paying that guy whether he works or not.
Angel (as the boss): In other words, you don't come do this now, we'll take it out of your meager check.
>Daniel: Okay, I get to it.
Right after my lunch.
Crow: You won't like me when I'm hungry.
>Boss: Danny, Griswold
Contractors went out on a limb for you.
Tom (as the boss): We own your sorry butt. Just try and find a job out there to replace this one!
>Our giving you this job
helped secure your parole. You don't want to make us regret that decision.
Big John (as Daniel): Nag, nag nag! God, if I wanted this kind of a guilt trip I'd have stayed at home with mom!
>Daniel: Fine!
Mike: I'll do your stupid task, but I'm clocking in first!
>(Daniel strains to lift the
cat.)
>Daniel: UUUUHHHHNF!
Angel (as Daniel): Say Rocco, you put on some weight, haven't you?
>Boss: There.
>Told you it wouldn't take
long.
Crow: Man, getting you to do things is like pulling teeth!
>Now hurry up and finish your
lunch.
Tom: We don't pay you to eat, you know!
Big John: I think this guy took lessons on how to be a boss from Catbert.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike and Angel are holding each other close and dancing. There is a sappy ballad playing in the background.)
Angel: Well, you're very good on your feet.
Mike: Thank you, you're a good dancer too.
(A caption reads: Mike really blows it in 3… 2... 1.)
Angel: So where did you say you were from again?
Mike: Wisconsin.
(Tape stops. Buh-bop-bah! Plays. In a photomanipulated image, Angel's hair sticks straight out, her eyes pop out of her head, and her jaw drops to the floor. We also hear a woman screaming. Things go back to normal as the tape resumes.)
Angel: That's… interesting.
Mike (crestfallen): Aw, come on, don't hold that against me.
Angel: Well, Mike, I know you're really nice.
(Caption: "Signs of a bad date: your partner says you're 'nice.'" Mike and Angel part, and then Mike buries his face in his hands.)
Mike: Oh God, I've blown it all!
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and then chaos erupts.)
Mike: Oh great. On top of that, we've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit.)
>Caption: A locker room,
elsewhere in Hoboken.
Crow: Well, it's better than Vermont.
>Coach: Hell, you're back's
tighter than a frog's ass in ice water.
Tom: I'm afraid to ask how he would know that.
>And listen up, there's a
couple of things you need to know about that guy out there.
Mike (interrupts): Don't even think about it.
Big John: You are no fun.
>You can't get angry tonight.
Angel: People are sick of those "Armadillo mad! Armadillo smash!" jokes.
>The sheet on this one's that
he feeds off of other folk's anger.
Crow: Well, anger is packed with vitamin C.
>It makes him stronger.
Tom (sinister voice): That which does not kill you makes you stronger.
>Armadillo: Don' get angry no
more, Coach Cady. You no 'at.
Big John: Armadillo not want you feeding opponent.
>Coach: Oh, so that means
you're ready now. You got smart all of the sudden?
Mike: Armadillo go to Tor Johnson school of intelligence!
>How many things did I say
you needed to know?
Angel: Well, out of what you said, we care about NOTHING!!
>Armadillo: Ummm, couple?
>Coach: Yeah, a couple.
Crow: You and Amber are a perfect couple! There's not enough intelligence between you to light up a two-watt light bulb!
>The second thing being, this
guy is real fast. Faster than he looks.
Big John (sings): She wants a lover with a slow hand…
>He can stay out of reach, dodge
you. That'll be frustrating.
Mike: But not as frustrating as having to read a crappy comic book like this.
>And frustration will make
anybody angry.
Crow: Having die-hard Thunderbolts fans read this will also make them angry too.
>So what's that mean you have to
do?
Tom: Armadillo act bad and go through unnecessary mindless violence.
>Armadillo: Don' go after 'im.
Let 'im run aroun' long as he wants. He'll get tired. Slow down sooner or
later.
Big John (sings): Slow down/ you move too fast/ Gotta make that party last…
>Coach: Sooner or later? You
can't win the fight if you don't hit this guy.
Mike (as Armadillo): Not hit him? Armadillo not know that!
>Armadillo: He can't win he don'
hit me either.
Angel: Dude, I think you've been in one too many fights here.
>An' when he's close enough fer
'at -– BAM!
Crow: Armadillo give wet willie!
>Coach: Heh heh.
>Not bad, kid. Maybe you did
get smart.
Tom: Then again, maybe not.
>Okay, so you're not nervous.
Why so cranked up, then?
Big John: Armadillo take drugs you say. Armadillo see weird visions. Armadillo feel sick. Armadillo not care about life.
Mike: Just say no, people!
>Armadillo: Tired. Secon' fight
this week. Fourf this month. I'm tired.
Mike (as the Coach): Don't worry, that Amber woman we sent you should put you right to sleep.
>Coach: Yea, well, scheduling,
that's not my department, but…
Angel (as the coach): If it were up to me, I'd see to it you'd never work in this town again!
>Kid, you don't have to go out
there, you know that, don't you?
Crow (as Armadillo): But boss say I don't go out, I wear cement shoes.
>You're not trapped. I mean, if
this isn't for you --
>Armadillo: You -- you don'
think I c'n take 'im!
Tom: I also think you can't say more than three words without an apostrophe!
>Coach: Whoa! Hey, I know
you can.
Big John: Now could you help me gather up my entrails?
Mike: Big John, that was disgusting.
>I trained you, didn't I?
Angel (as Coach): So I only have myself to blame…
>I've been there every second
for you.
>That's why I'm saying
something.
Crow (as Coach): Armadillo, you really should lay off the booze. I care about you, and I don't want to see you throw your life away.
>Armadillo: I know, I know,
Sorry.
Tom: Armadillo not mean to take off head.
>Coack: Don't yell at me,
Tony. I maybe am the only one looking out for you.
Big John: I'm not deaf, you know!
All but Big John: WHAT?!
>Armadillo: It is what I want.
It is.
Mike (Sings): Bess, you is my woman now, you is! You is!
Angel: We'll see about that.
>I know is not your deprar'men'
but can you talk to 'em? See 'bout some time off?
Crow: No way! Get back to work, you slackard! We can always find someone else that's willing to work 60 hours for 40 hours' worth of pay!
>Coach: Yea, I can do that…
>Caption: "But first, let's
see what we got out there."
All: AH! Not another reinvented Wolverine!
>Coach: Come on, show 'em why
you're the New Jersey Regional Champ.
Tom: Because nobody else wanted it?
>Caption: Thursday
Big John (sings): Thursday I'm not in love with you/ It's Friday, I'm in love…
>Boy 1: Jeez! Look at him! Think
he's dead?
Mike: Well, if it's the Armadillo, it's no big loss.
>Boy 2: He should be.
Angel (as the kid): Quick! Give him a snuggie to find out!
>Boy 3: Let's get outta here. We
– we're gonna be late for school.
Crow (as the boy): And with the knives and guns we're carrying, we might get blamed for the death!
>Boy 1: Shut up, Kenny!
Tom (as the first boy): I smell money here! Let's grab a greenback or two.
>Kenny: What you think?
Big John: I find it helps to turn your mind off when you're reading comic books like that. Less brain damage.
>I'm gonna try it.
Mike (as Kenny): It's about the only way that I can get any money these days.
>Hury guy: That's mine!
Angel (as the guy): I took a dive for it fair and square!
>Caption: Quitting time.
Crow: They're stopping this?
Tom: I don't think so.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike and Angel are standing opposite each other.)
Mike: Well, tonight's been a good night for me.
Angel: Okay…
(Caption: Awkward silence counter: 1…2..3…4…5…)
Mike: Uh. So did you like tonight too?
Angel: For the most part…
(Mike holds out his arms. Angel then embraces Mike, whom he returns. A thought balloon comes from Mike reading: "On Wisconsin!" Mike and Angel then part.)
Mike: I'll give you a call, okay?
Angel: Sure.
(Mike and Angel exit. Big John enters. Commercial sign comes on.)
Big John: Well, they seemed to have hit it off somewhat, but we'll get their post date reactions after this.
(Commercials. More crap you don't want or need, mixed in with endless promos for the Daredevil movie. When we come back, theater of torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit.)
>Caption: On one end of town, a job
that sucks.
Big John: That's not the only thing that sucks here.
>On the other, a life
that sucks.
Mike: Well, if you want to use that term very loosely.
>And in between, limbo.
Angel: He must be one of those construction workers who goes and gets blitzed during lunch.
>Voice from off panel: T-Bone!
Crow: Man, T-Bone Burnett looks pretty good there.
>Double of Early Times. Water
behind it.
Tom (as T-Bone): Uh… sure. Right away, dude. Just don't break me in two.
>T-Bone: Can't do it, Daniel.
Your tab is full-up. Over full, actually.
Big John (as Daniel, angry): What did you say, you pipsqueak!?
>Daniel: What? That you gonna be
to me?
Mike: Daniel angry! Daniel smash!
>I'm in here most every night.
>T-Bone: Uh-huh. I'm thinking there
might be a connection between that and your tab.
Angel: In other words, no money, no drinkie pal!
>Daniel: C'mon, Dog. I'm getting
paid tomorrow.
>T-Bone: Great. See you then.
Crow: This bar is for paying customers only.
>Coach: Hey buddy, you looking
for a drink?
Tom: Run!
>Here y'go.
>(Coach pours the drink on
Daniel's head.)
Big John (as Daniel): All right, pal. You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to the morgue!
>Coach: Well?
>How about a "thank
you", kid?
Mike (angry): Here's a five fingered thank you from my fist, pal!
>Daniel: Bar towels still free?
>Sure. Sure thing, Daniel.
Angel: Man, what a wimp! No wonder Spider-Man beat him.
>Coach: I'm waiting here for
that thank you.
Crow: I think you're going to have to wait for a long time here, pal.
>Daniel: Roll out, old man.
Tom (as Daniel): I don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed person – namely me!
>Coach: "Roll out"? I
don't even know what the hell that means.
Big John: I means you're barking up the wrong tree, dude.
>I got the "old man"
part, though.
Mike (a la Monty Python): I'm 37 I'm not old.
>And I didn't like it, punk-@$$!
Angel: Dude, if he hasn't slugged you by now, he's not going to do it. Look somewhere else for your new guy.
>Daniel: I'm out. See you
tomorrow, T-Bone.
Crow: Wimpy! Wimpy! Wimpy!
>Voice (From off panel): Oh,
wait. I got that wrong, didn't I, Jailbird? You're to big to be a punk…
Tom (as Daniel): Hey! I resemble that remark!
>.. Shower-hawk, that's
you, isn't it?
Big John: More like Captain Wuss.
>T-Bone: All right, Cady. This
can't happen in here.
Mike (as T-Bone): We don't want any production of a bad comic book in this here bar!
>Cady: Nobody's talking to you,
T-Bone.
Angel: Nobody wants to listen to any of this.
>Daniel: I swear, old man, you
don't leave me be…
Crow: I'll cry like a baby as I run home.
>Voice from off panel: Go on, Esé.
>Hit him.
Tom (a la Dune): I will kill him!!
>Rey: Everybody likes to see a
good fight.
Big John (As the Asian woman): Uh… Rey… could you get off of me?
Mike (as the redheaded woman): Eugh! He scares me, Rey!
Angel (as the African-American woman): Hey, get your meathooks off my leg, mister!
>Caption: Join us next month
for:
Crow: Sorry, but I'm all booked up for next month.
>"Just walk away,
Axum…"
Tom (sings): You came into my life/ and like a perfect stranger/ Walked away, walked away/ Walk away…
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Angel is on one side of the room, and Mike is on the other. The room is dark, except for a light on Angel.)
Angel: When I first saw him, I thought he was the kind of guy I could love.
(The light goes off of Angel and onto Mike.)
Mike: When I saw her for the first time, I thought I was a lucky man to date her.
(The light goes off of Mike and back onto Angel.)
Angel: I was a bit turned off by him being from Wisconsin.
(The light goes back to Mike.)
Mike: When I told her I was from Wisconsin, I thought I had lost everything.
(The light goes back to Angel.)
Angel: Well, no man is perfect, and I'm willing to overlook his being a Wisconsinite. When we kissed, he was absolutely incredible.
(Light goes back to Mike.)
Mike: When we kissed I felt like the angels sang for us. I'd really like to take her out on a date again.
(Light goes back to Angel.)
Angel: I'd date him again. He's worth it.
(The lights come up and then Mike and Angel stand next to each other. The bots enter from the other side.)
Big John: Well, that's the date. Do you think your love life has improved a bit?
Mike: I liked doing that.
Angel: So did I.
(Mads light comes on.)
Crow: Well, nice to see you've patched things up and you'll be getting back together again.
Angel: Well, it's hard to perk up a relationship when you're locked together close like this.
Mike: Well, let's see what's up with the sea hag here.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is now clad in way too much makeup and attired in a fashionable dress. Observer and Bobo are nearby.)
Pearl: I heard that, Nelslum! Well, your date may have gone well, but it will never compare to the date I have tonight with my blind date.
(A doorbell rings.)
Pearl: Ah, that must be him. Go answer it, brain guy.
(Exit the Observer.)
Pearl: Well, Nelslum, you may have beaten this week's experiment, but just remember that I've got quite a number of really bad pieces of media for you. I will find that one bad piece of media, and I will break that mind of yours.
(Pearl's blind date enters. It is the Armadillo. Armadillo is clad in a polo shirt and pants.)
Armadillo: Armadillo ready for date.
(Pearl is crestfallen off a cliff. She looks at the Armadillo with great unease.)
Pearl: You're… my… date…?
Armadillo: Armadillo give you good time. Take you to see people getting beaten up.
Pearl: Well, until next time, Nelslum…
(End credits. Stinger:)
Kenny: I'm gonna try it.
Animal man: That's mine!
--End--