MST3K: "Shorts" Part II
Songs referenced in this work: I Got Plenty of Nothing, from Porgy and Bess, A Small Victory by Faith No More, Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins, Alec Eiffel by the Pixies, Wearing o' the Green, a traditional Irish song, If You Could See the Light by Simple Minds, Open your Eyes by ??*, This Beautiful Day (We Could Be Wishing Away), from H.R. Puffenstuff, and Where are You Tonight from Hee Haw.
(When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Big John is out on the counter, and Mike, Crow, and Angel stand over him. Tom is nearby, with Gypsy next to him.)
Mike: This should do it...
(Mike closes Big John up, and then turns him on.)
Big John: Bzzzt... circuits on line... Mike, what did you knock me out for?
Mike: I don't want you getting too surly in front of Angel, Big John.
Crow: Try it out.
(Angel reaches over and slaps Big John, as hard as she can.)
Big John: OW!
Angel: That's for all those comments you've made in that last session.
Big John: You turned off my S&M subroutine.
Mike: This is going to make dealing with you much easier...
(The Mads light comes on.)
Tom: Uh-oh. Mads light.
(The screen opens to show Pearl and an Observer there. Castle Forrester. Pearl holds a clipboard in her hand.)
Pearl: (reading the clipboard) No, no... this just won't do at all...
Observer: We've found some more short stories to throw at them, lawgiver...
(Pearl and the Observer notice that the camera is on.)
Pearl: Ah, Mike. This DeFalco stuff isn't working at all, so we're going to change things around a bit.
Mike: Oh really?
Pearl: Mind you, it was tough recalibrating our instruments for two people, but I was able to compensate for YOUR ego.
Angel: (sarcastically) How kind of you.
Pearl: Well, the next short proves that you can't even go to the store in the Marvel universe without everything going wrong. It's called "Beer Run" And it's by Marc Andreyko and Massimiliano Frezzato. After that, we've got a lovely Shamrock story by Scott Lobdell and Dennis Jensen.
(Deep INIT.)
All but Big John: Sham-who???
Big John: Shamrock. She's this really hot Irish babe with red hair and green eyes... Pearl had me test out Contest of Champions #3.
Pearl: Well, it's time for all of you to go insane!
(Pearl picks up the comic book switch, and flips it on. The screen closes as lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
Mike: Courage, gang... we can beat it...
MiSTer's note: This story can be found in Wolverine Annual '99.
>Caption: I'm the best there is at what I do.
Crow:
[sarcastically] Oh, now this is an original line.>Playin' cards is not what I do.
Angel:
I'm not too sure I want to know what you do. Those sideburns are so 1960's.>She-Hulk: Well, Logan? What do you have?
Tom:
I got four of these one-spot cards... is that good?>Wolverine: Shulkie, I got...
>Nuthin'! Anybody need another beer?
Mike:
I don't think there's enough alcohol to make this look good.>Captain America: Could you grab me a ginger ale?
Angel:
Ginger ale? Everyone else is drinking beer, and you want a ginger ale?>Hey, Fury! You took the last brew! You know what that means?
Angel:
We've got a flimsy plotline again?>Caption: "Yep. You get to take my car to get some more."
Angel:
Terribly nice of him to give his car out.>
"Beer Run"Mike:
Since when was Wolverine funny?>Man, I hate these S.H.I.E.L.D. cars! I feel like Marty freakin' McFly!
Big John:
Would you rather be in the infamous New York gridlock below you?>Car:
Alarm on. BEEP!Big John:
Like that's really going to keep a bunch of New York thieves out of that car. You might as well have tissue paper around the car.>(Wolverine drops the keys.)
>SFX: CLINK!
Crow:
Butterfingers!>Wolverine: C'mere, you stupid key!
Tom:
[as the key] Well, if you're gonna have that kind of an attitude, I'm staying down here forever!>Car Alarm:
Warning! Hull has been breached!Crow
: Makes you wonder if anything can ever go right in the Marvel universe.>Car alarm:
Defense systems engaged!Tom:
We don't want your kind around here, pal!>Wolverine: Are you freakin' kidding me?
Mike:
Oh yes, this is one big, sick joke.>Kid: Ohmanohmanohmanohmanohman ...!
Mike:
Stealing is a sin...>Wolverine: Okay, punk, I've got one question for you...
Crow:
How am I able to stand with all this live electrical wires on me?>Where's my beer?
Crow:
[a la Homer Simpson] I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, creamy beer!>Just back away from the brew, kid, and everything will be ...
Tom:
I'm not an alcoholic! I just like beer! It likes me... it's my friend... now back away from the beer before I have to pull your intestines out!>... fine?
Angel:
You're the one in the story, you tell us.>This --
Crow:
Is dragging on waaaayyy too long, I agree.>-- isn't --
>-- fuuunnnnnnnnnnyyyy --!
Angel:
I find it to be in poor taste myself.>Oof!
Tom:
[near tears, as Wolverine] Man, this is a waste of good beer! I just wanted one freakin' beer! Is that too much to ask?>Now what?
Angel:
What's with the brackets?>Ninja: [The interloper will know death from the hand!]
Mike:
Ah! It's a rehash of The Five Fists of Death!>Wolverine: [Oh yea?! How 'bout the Hand will know pain from the claws?!??]
Angel:
Gee, we don't even know what language it is, but Wolverine sure knows it fluently.>Ninja: [He is like a komodo dragon!]
Tom:
Big, green, scaly, and likes to stick his tongue out a lot?>Ninja 2: [O great masters, aid us!]
Mike:
That's what editing is for.>Wolverine: [Not so tough, now, are ya? All I wanted was my six-pack and you lunatics had to go all Bruce Lee on me!]
Crow:
I hate to have seen what they would have done to him if he was carrying a keg.>?
Crow:
!>Wolverine: Aw, man.
Crow:
[as Wolverine] Cut me some slack here! I'm an old man! At least I think I am... I dunno... has Marvel rewritten my past again this week?>Dragon: Groarroarr
Crow:
And the dragon chows down on Wolverine, and the story ends!>Dragon:
RoarrgrrTom:
[as Wolverine] I'm the star of this show and I say you can't eat me now!>This is gonna hurt you...
>... a lot more than it's gonna hurt...
>... me!
Mike:
Oh, that poor dragon! Has anyone stopped to consider his feelings for the moment?>Wolverine: Oof!
Tom:
He's definitely not the best at landing on his feet.>... grumblegrumble...
>What's next? Freakin' ....
Angel:
Amazing that the beer survived so intact.>... Galactus?
>Oof!
Mike:
Welcome to New York, Pal!>(Wolverine drives the car off.)
Tom:
I'm surprised they left the engine in it.>Television: --Tonight on "3 a.m. insomnia theatre --"
> --The Japanese adventure classic, "Attack of the Dragon Ninjas"!
Big John:
[as random sleeper] Hey! Turn that down! I'm tryin' to sleep here!(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are milling around the place.)
Big John:
Well, I think you've really done enough decorating, Angel. This place looks feminine enough.(The lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike:
Ah! We've got comic book sign!(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit.)
Angel:
Back to this drudgery...MiSTer's Note: This one can be found in Marvel Comics Presents #24.
Click here for an image to the first panel.
>
Shamrock in "I Haven't Got Time for the Pain"Crow:
Well, I don't either. So let's skip it all together.>I never asked for my special abilities.
>No one did.
Big John:
Well, you got them anyway, so lie back and enjoy it.>I was only three years old on the night my father took us to the north Ireland mountainside near our house, I was frightened as he asked the heavens to grant his child the power to "strike down thine enemies."
Crow:
Looks like daddy dearest there decided for his kids what to do with their lives.>The answer to his prayer was "no."
Tom:
Oh, sorry, we're out of power to smite thine enemies, but we should have some more in next week. Will you take a raincheck?>Or so I thought until my freshman year in college. It turns out I was blessed with a protective aura that causes random improbabilities to manifest themselves on my behalf whenever I'm attacked.
Crow:
Which makes it really hard to hurt me and get away with it.>Rather than return to these war-torn mountains, I used my "Good luck powers" To become Ireland's most seldom seen super heroine -- Shamrock.
Angel: Now that's an original name for an Irish superheroine.
Big John: They probably couldn't spell Claddagh.
>That silliness ended the day Molly Fitzgerald became a school teacher for first-grade students in Dublin.
Mike:
[a la the Godfather] I wanted out, but they keep dragging me back in!>Up to tonight, I believed I was doing my best to build a better world -- so that tomorrow's children wouldn't have to be exposed to the horrors of war.
Tom: [sings] Tonight/ Tonight/ Crucify the insincere tonight...
>I was wrong.
Crow: Well, we'll forgive you this time. But don't let it happen again.
Angel: This story sure is verbose. The thing I liked about that last story is that not much was said in it.
>Voice: What are you doing here?
Big John:
And for that matter, why are your eyes blue when they're supposed to be green?>The sanctuary of my memories was blown to the winds by the sudden steely grip upon my shoulder.
Crow:
[a la "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"] Sanctuary! Sanctuary!>Shamrock: FATHER!
>Caption: I hadn't seen him since I began teaching. I hadn't heard from him until the telegram I received two days ago -- the one that informed me of my brother's death.
Big John: That should tell you something about yourself.
>I had prayed the whole way home that the years apart had somehow closed the gap between an estranged father and daughter.
Crow: But, unfortunately. The years only served to make us more bitter.
Tom: You two are close relatives. In the Marvel universe, that makes you bitter enemies (in most cases.)
>Father: I asked you what you're doing here.
Angel:
We're sitting here having to endure some bad comics books, what do you think we're doing?>Caption: Apparently, a reconciliation wasn't meant to be.
Crow:
But you gave it the old college try, and that's what counts.>Shamrock: I was hoping I might be able to salvage what was left of the Fitzgerald family before it's too late.
Big John:
I'll wager a lube job it's too late.>Father: It's already too late, Molly! Because you weren't there to protect him. Your brother is dead! The blood is on your hands as surely as if you'd murdered him yourself!
Mike:
Talk about guilt trips....>Shamrock: Stop it, Father!
All: Please take her advice!
>I came here to pay my respects, to grieve the loss of my brother -- not to be subjected to your doctrine of hatred and guilt! Hasn't this war claimed enough lives? Won't it ever end?
Big John:
The war's coming to an end. This story, unfortunately, is far from over.>Father: Not for me ... not while I'm alive.
>But you're right -- this is a time we should be together.
Big John:
Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly.... Click here for an image to the next panel.
>The storm is getting worse, Molly. Tom:
>Come back to the house!
All: Little Eiffel/ Little Eiffel...
Crow: Kinda reminds you of Eegah!, whenever they showed a close up of Arch Hall, Jr.
>Caption: It was always a house.
>It would have taken love to make it a home.
Mike: Man, some people have really tough standards on the places they live in...
>Molly: Father about Paddy -- how did it happen?
Big John:
[sings] Oh Paddy dear/ Did you hear/ The news that's going 'round/ The shamrock is forbid by law/ Ta grow on Irish ground.>Father: Shortly after you abandoned us, your brother took up the good fight. I wish I could say that he died in battle. The truth is he was killed by a terrorist's bomb that was hidden in a shopping mall. Still,I'm sure your mother -- Lord rest her soul -- is proud of one of her children.
Tom:
Mother always liked you best!>Shamrock: That was subtle. Try as you like, I refuse to apologize for my decision to teach the young people of this country that there's a whole world outside of these war-torn walls.
Angel:
She's out to promote peace, and her father hates her for it. Right....>If only you could see it, father.
Tom:
[sings] If you could see the light/ Shining within me...>If you could tear yourself away from this ancient war you'd see that we're all living in one global village. We should be embracing each other
Big John
: Well, I wouldn't mind you in my arms, babe!>instead of trying to kill one another. If Paddy had gotten the chance to see it all, he would have --
Crow:
Puked his guts out?
>Father: Don't you dare profane his memory with your spineless daydreams!
Mike: Oh, lighten up! She's only wanting what's right for the place...
Angel: Makes you wonder if this guy has ever known what it's like to live in peacetime.
Crow: Oh, well, his concepts of war are much different than ours. He was raised on World War II, where concepts were clearly defined and defeat was certain for one side. We, however, know better.
>If you were any kind of a sister, you'd be using your powers to track down his murderers!
Crow:
Yes Daddy dearest.>Shamrock: My powers were give to m..me tooo... hellllp...
Crow:
Aw, man! Her batteries are running low again! She shouldda used energizer. They keep going and going...>The tea -- drugged!
Big John: If you have to drug a babe to get her in bed, that should tell you something about yourself.
(Both Mike and Angel reach over and slap Big John.)
Big John:
Ow!(Mike reaches over and hits Crow.)
Crow:
Ow! Hey, mine wasn't as bad as Big John's!>Shamrock [weakly] Father, what are you doing... ?
Big John:
[as Shamrock's father] Ye said ye'd marry that nice O'Shanessy boy if you were drugged, and so it will be...>Father: I'm doing what has to be done.
Crow:
[as the father] I've got t'clean up your messes just like I did when you were a wee lassie! Ye were always such a pig!>Caption: I don't know how long I was unconscious.
Crow:
When I woke up, I had the nastiest hangover ye could imagine...>I only wish I'd stayed that way.
Big John:
So I don't have to look at this naked man lying next to me in bed!(Mike and Angel again slap Big John.)
Big John:
Ow! C'mon, I not bad, I'm just programmed that way.>Shamrock: ->Uhhhnnn<-
>Zola: She'd better wake up soon --
Tom:
These energy shackles are costing me a fortune to run!>She's going to miss all the excitement!
Angel: Excitement? Where?
Crow: I agree. this story has been like watching paint dry.
Angel: So why are these characters so depressing? This has way too much angst in it.
Tom: Probably to let you know that someone else out there has worse problems than you do.
>There you go -- cue the music! Hit the lights! It's show time!
Tom: [sings] Overture/ Hit the lights/ Who knows what heights we'll hit...
Angel: None, actually. But you're hitting some new lows here.
Big John: Man, what some guys won't try on a date.
Mike: Big John...
Crow: [a la Bettlejuice] It's show time...
>Toppo--
Crow:
Gigio?>toptoppo -- top o' the morning to you, miss Molly! I would like to take this time/moment/instant to introduce myself as "the great and powerful Arnim Zola."
Crow: [as Zola] But since I'm not great or powerful, I'll just introduce myself as a bucket of bolts.
>But I'm sure you know that already and if you didn't -- you know now! Ya know?
Angel:
Let me guess, this one's a robot gone bad.>Shamrock: I've read the history books, and I know that Dr. Zola was a brilliant biochemist! You're only a mechanical mockery of that man -- and one whose gears have apparently been stripped, to boot!
Tom:
[as a little kid] Oh yea? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue! Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!>Zola: Naught --
Big John:
You just got your answer there, Angel.>naughtynamecall -- name calling is naughty, teach!
Big John:
Especially when it's to 1-900-BIG-STUD.(Mike and Angel reach over and slap Big John again.)
Big John: Ow!
>No apple for you!
Crow:
Gee, and I wanted to give her an apple so badly... It had a razor blade in it.>Maybe you'll be more polite/respectful/reverent in the presence of your dear old dad!
>Shamrock: Father!
>Zola: Okay, you win --
Tom:
They're stopping this now?>"Dear old father!"
Angel: I'm glad I don't live in the Marvel universe. I'd hate to have to fight my father.
Click here for an image to the next panel.
>Now, if everything your father has told me is correct, I'm confidant/positive/pretty sure that psionic dissection should allow me to duplicate your powers. Angel:
Big John: Probably the only way he can get a babe in bed with him.
(Angel and Mike stare daggers at Big John, holding up a hand.)
Big John:
Sheesh. Everyone's a critic.>Of course, you'll have to take my word on that because you'll be dead -- deader than dead.
Mike:
[as Shamrock] I'm nae worried, I'll be resurrected in no time at all.>Shamrock: My abilities were given to me by a power greater than yours! It's not your right to defile them!
Angel:
[as Shamrock] So get you filthy paws off me, to overgrown microwave oven!>Yeah, well, I'm kinda impulsive in that way.
Angel:
[as Shamrock] I hate impulsive types! I want me an honest, solid man I can rely on!>Now, if Mr. Fitz-person would be so kind/gracious/nice-nice to pull the lever.
Mike:
This story is making me nauseous/queasy/ill/sick.>Father: It will be a pleasure. Soon the power will be in the hands of people who aren't afraid to use it!
Tom:
Considering she's a mutant, wouldn't revealing that fact make her unpopular? And what about her job?>Shamrock: EEEEYARRGH!
>Zola: "EEEEYARRGH!"
All:
Copycat! Copycat! Originality's where it's at!>She screamed as the villain's patented ESP box violated the inner recesses of her psyche!
Crow: I'm not too sure I want to know what's going on in her mind.
Angel: If she had half a brain, she'd want out of there.
>OOOOOO! This is so exciting! I could BLEEEEEEEP!
Big John: Oops! Sorry, kiddies - Zola said a rude word there... can't let you see it.
Mike: I wish this story had been censored.
>Caption: By the look on Zola's face, his probe had discovered the secret of my "good luck powers."
Tom: [as Zola] I'm in ... a.. bad comic book? AAAIIIEEEE!!!!
>As near as I can tell, I'm a vessel for all the countless souls that have died as innocent victims of war.
Crow: Man, she must be packed to carry all those souls!
Big John: You know, the Handbook to the Marvel Universe doesn't have much of an entry on Shamrock, but what little it does tell us, this contradicts it.
Mike: Ah, what do you expect from Marvel?
>Under normal circumstances, these displaced poltergeists manifest themselves -- one at a time, and only for a fraction of an instant --
Big John:
Because they're horny!(Mike reaches over and slaps Big John.)
Big John:
Ow!>as a telekinetic burst of energy that ultimately causes improbable incidents to occur on my behalf.
Angel:
I don't know about you, but in a battle situation, I'd like to have something a little more substantial than that as a superhuman power.>For the brief moment that Zola's mind touched mine,
Big John:
I could see what a foul cesspool of wanton depravity it was!(Mike pulls out some duct tape, and duct tapes Big John's eyes shut.)
Big John:
Censorship sucks.>thousands of those spirits made their presence known.
All:
[a la "Horton Hears a Who"] We are here! We are here! We are here!>Seconds later, everything returns to "normal", [sic] only the results remained.
Tom:
[as a random spirit] What? A Marvel comic? We're out of here!>Zola: So rock -- rockosham -- so, Shamrock, it's all true!
Angel: You really do dye your hair!
Crow: And that chest of yours is as fake as a 3 dollar bill!
(Mike and Angel reach over and hit Crow.)
Crow:
Ow!(The projector breaks down, and the screen goes blank. The lights come up, and the doors open.)
Mike:
Aw, projector breakdown... too bad, I guess we can't see the rest of this week's comic book...(Door sequence. Castle Forrester. Bobo and an Observer are feverishly working on the projector, trying to get it working again.)
Observer:
She's definitely not going to like this.(Pearl enters.)
Pearl:
I'm not going to like what?(Deep INIT bridge. Mike is comforting Angel. The two of them have an arm around each other.)
Mike:
Are you all right, darling? I know this is rough for you, and you didn't have time to prepare for it...(The two of them kiss.)
Crow:
(from below the counter) Mike and Angel sitting in a tree/ K-i-s-s-i-n-g / First comes love -(At this point, Mike grabs Crow by the mitt on Crow's head and pulls him above counter.)
Mike:
Crow, do you mind?! I'm trying to help out Angel here.(Big John enters, without the duct tape over his optical sensors.)
Big John:
Looks like you were helping yourself to a little sugar from Angel...(The Mads light comes on.)
Mike:
O.k., everyone who isn't human out now!(The screen opens up, and shows a druggie type shaking nervously and pie-eyed.)
Druggie:
Man... I need to speak to Victor.(Mike pushes the button, and the screen closes, but the Mads light stays on.)
Mike:
Man, some people...(The screen opens again, and we see Pearl there. Behind her, Bobo and the Observer are half-lost in a sea of electronic parts.)
Pearl:
Fix the thing now!! (Turns) Ah, Mike. We're experiencing technical difficulties here at the moment, but we should have them resolved any second now.(Castle Forrester. She approaches the mess, and looks it over.)
Pearl:
Look, here's your problem.This isn't connected properly.(Pearl makes a few adjustments, and Bobo and the Observer are shocked by electricity. The projector starts working again.)
Pearl:
[to the screen] Now, I want you miscreants back in the theater at once!(Pearl picks up the comic book switch, and throws it. On the Deep INIT bridge, lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike:
Ah! We've got comic book sign!>Countless souls trying to pry their way into this dimension. so they might avenge themselves? Don't you realize your father and I can help them achieve their goal?! At the very least, I can secure the book and movie rights!
Big John:
Just sign this contract here... and just ignore the fine print.>Shamrock: There was a reason that I
All: [a la the Prisoner, stomping feet & clapping hands] I, I, I! I, I, I! I , I, I!
>was chosen to wield this power. It is sacred -- these spirits seek to end war, not perpetuate it!
Crow:
Does that mean we have to worship you?>I may never understand why --
Mike:
Well, you're in the Marvel universe. That in and of itself makes it unfathomable.>but these powers serve me.
Crow: I'm not a slave to my powers... they just like me.
Tom: [as Angelica of the Rugrats] It's mine and you can't have it!!
>See?
>Zola: Oh say, I can see!
Big John:
[before Mike can cut in] Right up your skirt and ->I see a frightened little girl with incredible power! POWER! Power!
Mike: O.k., we get the idea, she's powerful!
Crow: His battery must be running low here...
>So maybe you don't want to rule the world -- you at leas have the responsibility to change it!
Angel:
[as Shamrock] I am... and I thought I'd start by stopping some overgrown microwave oven on an ego trip!>I totally re-engineered my entire body for a cause!
Big John:
[as Zola] I wanted to be the first pleasurebot in the world!>Granted, it isn't the most attractive body I could have designed -- but the point is, I did something!
Mike: [as Zola] O.k., so it was the wrong thing...
Crow: Just do it!
Tom: Get of your lazy butts, you slackers, and make this world a better place!
>Years ago, I used my genius to help Hitler try to take over the world.
Crow:
Oh, so that's why he failed.>Now that I think about it, that's probably what drive me mad! Hmmmmmm!
Mike: Well, it's not my problem. I can't do anything about it.
Crow: Don't grab that pipe! It's not strong enough to hold you!
>The sad thing is
Crow:
Marvel tries to pass this off as quality entertainment!>he almost did it -- because people like you wanted to wish away the violence!
Tom: [sings] This wonderful day we could keep wishing away...
Mike: Stop the violence now!
Big John: I agree. Love is so much better than hurting others.
(In this next panel, Big John stands up, and appears to be looking up Shamrock's skirt.)
Angel:
[coldly] Sit down.>HA! An unlucky break, Shamrock! I guess all my tampering/tinkering/fooling around in your mind has affected your lucky charms!
Crow: Always after me lucky charms...
Big John: Hey, any guy who gets your charms babe has got to be lucky!
Mike: I think you'd better watch out where that liquid is going, Zola...
>Zola: Then again...
>Caption: As the coolant froze him to the spot, I felt no joy over my victory -- only anger.
Mike:
[as Forrest Gump] That must be some very powerful coolant to be liquid like that and freeze him to the spot instantly.>Shamrock: You don't have the right to question me!
Mike:
[angered] Not without my attorney present!>As a teacher, I've dedicated my life to educating the minds of the young!
Tom: But, just like American students, the Irish kids in your class are apathetic about the matter. You might as well be talking to a brick wall.
>Zola: That would be admerable if you were only human!
Crow: She's not human? I'd hate to think of what she is.
>You and I are more than that!
Big John:
She's a robot too? Man, who'da thought...>For all your whining about peace-on-earth-goodwill-towards-men,
Angel:
Hey, what about us women!? You shouldn't leave us out of the picture!>you refuse to use your power to bring about change - you've done nothing/zilch/nada!
Crow:
[as Shamrock] Well, I stopped you, an' that's a start.>On the brighter side, a blast from my ESP box will help put you out of your mind.
Crow: Then again, having to read this, you'd go out of your mind as well.
Angel: Are we even on the last page yet?
Tom: These things are usually seven pages long, and we just started page six...
>Of course, it will put your mind out of your head in the process --
Mike:
That's disgusting.>But let's not dwell on that during the final moments of your life.
Tom:
[sings] Celebrate the moments of your life/ With General Foods International Coffees.>Ouch!
>"How could such a pretty girl like you destroy such an evil thing like me?" Zola asked before his most recent android body was destroyed!
Angel:
[as Shamrock] Well, all those other heros got the decent villains, so I got stuck wi' ye.>"I'll be back." He sputtered ominously before he cashed out.
Tom:
He was so addicted to gambling, we had to kill him to get him to leave the casino!>This left him the option to return in the sequel/series/line of lunch so --
Mike:
Ah, shut up and die already. You'll be ressurected in no time.>Caption: It was over.
Crow:
It's over? Goodie! We can leave the theater now!>Voice: Turn around, Molly.
Big John:
[sings] Turn around/ Turn around/ There's a thing there that can be found...>Caption: Or so I thought.
Crow:
Looks like dear old dad flipped his wig.>Father: I don't want to shoot you in the back.
Tom:
Nice of him to say that.>You say that you don't believe in violence -- then you trun around and kill a brillant scientist like Dr. Zola!
Angel:
[as Shamrock] It's not like I had a choice in the matter.>Don't you understand that we can end this war if we have the power to win?!
Mike:
The dude's lost his marbles.>Caption: He was gone.
Big John & Tom:
[sings] You met another and/ Pfft! You were gone....>Father: I should have done this years ago!
Crow:
[as the father] Then I wouldn't have had to pay for your college education!>With you dead, maybe Paddy would have gotten the powers that were rightfully his!
Mike: Look, you're the one who had her, you messed it up, you fix it!
>Shamrock: Please father -- don't do this ....
All:
Please take her advice! Stop this at once!>Caption: I know in my heart that I have no control over my powers --
Tom:
You know, this is really depressing. I've stopped caring about these characters. Die! Die!>-- any more than I had control over my father as he fired the gun.
Angel:
What kind of father would shoot his own daughter? I'm glad my father never shot at me.
>I'd returned to these mountains to grieve for the loss of my family. Mike:
Crow: I think we all have.
Big John: Well, I care for her -
Crow: [interrupts] That's only because you hope you can get lucky with her someday.
>-- but I found I had no tears to shed.
Crow:
Because I was severely dehydrated and couldn't cry. But then I chugged some gaterade, and then the tears flowed like water.>I stayed to battle a monster who taught me more about my responsability toward humanity than I had learned from my own father.
Mike:
I thought the monster was your father.>Maybe that's why I couldn't mourn.
Big John:
A moment of silence for the passing of decent writing in Marveldom...>Not because I didn't want to, but because I don't have time for the pain.....
Tom:
Rush, rush, rush. You're always in a hurry.>... I have a world to save -- from itself.
Big John: [still in old man voice] Ah, you crazy kids think you can change the world alone. Well, you can't, so accept it!
>THE END!
Angel:
Stories like this never end. They go on and on...MiSTer's note: I'm throwing this one in at the last minute just because it's pretty bad. This one can be found in Spider-Girl #16. It's another Defalco and Frenz disaster.
>Moose Mason in "Deep Thoughts"
Crow: What is this? This is one page of the same panel photocopied over and over again!
Big John: He doesn't even say anything. What a Rip-off!
Angel: Is there a point to this story?
Mike: Apparently not...
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots stand around, looking a little on the melancholy side.)
Crow:
Man, that last story was really depressing. Can't we all just get along now?Tom:
You'd think people would realize that violence is senseless and only ends up getting one in trouble.Mike:
Well gang, whenever I feel depressed I sing myself a little song...(Music starts as Mike sings.)
Mike:
[sings] Whenever I feel down/ And I'm wearing a frown/ I sing to myself a song... If you gather around/ And all will be found/ Come on and sing along... Smile, my friends/ Smile, to the ends, smile, smile, smile! Try a verse, Tom...(The Mads light comes on.)
Tom:
[sings] When I feel low/ And there's no place to go/ I find myself singing this song.. Take that old frown/ Turn it upside down/ and smile, smile smile!(The screen opens up to show Pearl, Brain guy, and an Observer there.)
Pearl:
Did I say you could sing, Nelson!?Brain Guy
: I wouldn't give up my day job if I were you.Big John:
There's always someone to rain on our parade.Pearl:
Believe me, I'm doing the world a favor. Well, now that we have your shorts out of the way, let's begin with today's experement which has arrived.Crow:
But Pearl... you said those four shorts were the experement...Pearl:
I don't remember saying that. Anyway, your experement today is a wonderfully terrible piece of work called "Supernova." Observer, send them the movie.(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and we leave our heroes as we've always known them - in chaos.)
--End--