MST3K:
"Shorts"
By
Quamp & The IceholeQuamp's note: It's been very fun, but this probably will be my last MiSTing. I've decided to concentrate more on the stories and try to improve in that arena. I won't do another MiSTing unless I find some work that's pretty much begging for it.
Icehole's note: I won't be retiring in the near future.
Songs referenced in this work: Military Secrets by Together, Fear of the Unknown by Sousxie and the Banshees, Crazy by Pylon, Do Ya by ELO, Finally by Ce Ce Penneston, Slow Down by Simon and Garfunkel, Alec Eiffel by the Pixies, Reunited by Peaches and Herb, and Peak-a-boo by Devo.
(Deep INIT bridge. Angel is hanging a picture on a wall, and Gypsy is helping her by standing behind her, helping her get it straight.)
Gypsy: That looks perfect.
Angel: Good.
(Angel pulls back as Mike, Tom, and Crow enter.)
Mike: Hey darling, what's going on?
Angel: This place really needs a woman's touch, so Gypsy and I have been adding some touches to the place.
(The Mads light comes on.)
Tom: The Mads are calling.
(Angel dives under the counter with Crow as the screen opens to show Pearl and Bobo there.)
Pearl: Nelson! Listen up! We - wait a minute. Who was that ducking beneath the counter!?
(Crow reemerges.)
Crow: It was just me, Pearl. Sheesh.
Pearl: Well, now, what we've got in store for you is a wonderful bit. It's a bunch of shorts from Marvel comics. The first one is a J2 story called "Juggie goes Ape" by Tom DeFalco and Ron Lim. After that, You're getting a Thunderstrike story called "Spawn" by DeFalco and Frenz.
Tom: DeFalco and Frenz? That doesn't sound so bad.
Pearl: Ah, just watch and learn, gumball for brains ...
(Pearl throws the comic book switch. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Theater of torture. Mike, Crow, Tom, and Big John enter.)
Big John: So, what torture has Pearl come up with this time?
Crow: Some short about J2.
MiSTer's Note: The original can be found in the third issue of Wild Thing.
>
Stan Lee presents the almost unstoppable J2Crow:
He doesn't have control of his charge card yet.>Caption: Everyone has an occasional off day.
Crow: But here at Marvel, we have them every day.
>The kind of day when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed --
> -- trip over your bedroom slippers --
> -- spill your morning orange juice --
Tom: Write in sentences that don't seem to end --
Big John: Use dashes for no apparent reason --
>-- and suddenly find yourself swigging shampoo instead of mouthwash!
Mike: Hmm... Can't say I've had a day doing those things...
>Then there are reallllllllly off days, like the one I have when...
Crow: The l key on my typewriter got stuck.
> Juggie Goes Ape!
Big John
: Get away from me, ya big ape!>Hi there. My name's Zane Yama.
Crow: Pleased to meet you. My name is Crow T. Robot, and these are Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, and Big John.
>And I'm secretly the Avenger called J2
Mike: If it's a secret, why are you telling us?
Big John: [sings] Do you have/ Military secrets/ that we/ can all use?
Crow: Who was that?
Big John: Together. They were a reggae band from around 1990 or so.
>Our story begins as a handful of customers fidget on line at the local bank.
Mike: Darnit, even on line, this bank is slower than Christmas!
Tom: Darnit, this ISP is terrible! It's slower than Christmas! We need a better ISP now!
>Teller: Next --! How can I help you?
Mike: You can start by ending this story.
>Customer: I would like to make a withdraw from my - oh!
Tom: A withdraw from your oh?
Mike: [to Big John] Not one word out of you.
Big John: Aw, c'mon, Mike.
>I-I feel strange... very strange.
>Caption: Can you imagine that poor woman's horror --
Crow: When she found out she was in a Marvel comic? Oh, the horror, the horror...
Tom: She found out that she was in a bad story? I feel for her.
Big John: The test came back positive? Oh my...
Mike: [sternly] Big John...
> -- as her body suddenly begins to mutate?
Tom: And so do her clothes for no apparent reason.
>Customer: Should call an ambul- ->Garrrk<-
Big John: [as the woman] Ah! Body hair! This is gonna cost me a fortune at the salon!
>Caption: Or the banker's shock at his own Bestial growl?!
>Banker: Grallll?!
Tom: Darned l key stuck again!
Mike: Try some WD-40.
Crow: Hey, it's Bobo's twin brother.
>Julie: Watch your tone, buster! That's no way to talk to a lady.
Big John: And turning her into a gorilla isn't winning you favor with her either.
Crow: Hey, it's an ape from Ape Escape. Someone call Spike!
>Thug 1: Your crazy contraption worked, big Julie.
>Everyone's gone ape!
Mike: So why didn't Julie's henchmen go ape?
>Julie: Grab the CASH, boys!
>These.. uhhh... "people" aren't gonna offer any resistance. They've got bigger problems!
Tom: Why is he smoking a white cigar? I never knew they made white cigars.
Crow: Turning people into apes isn't going to stop them from stopping you.
>Thug 2: Yea... 'cause they suddenly prefer bananas to bucks.
Mike: Frankly, if I was in the Marvel universe for too long, I'd go bananas too.
>Caption: Big Julie is an old enemy of mine.
Big John: [as J2] I could have gotten some of Juggernaut's enemies kids, but instead, I opted for this lame-o.
>He's a master crimelord whose brain is presently housed within the body of a mighty gorilla --
>-- and it looks like he wants to share the fun!
Crow: [a la Charlton Heston in "Planet of the Apes"] Get your filthy paws off my money, you stinking ape!
>The effects of Julie's transforming gizmo prove to be temporary.
Tom: Good thing too, those extras wouldn't like being gorillas forever.
>But nobody wants to look like a chimp --
Mike: Except maybe Bobo.
> -- or be seen acting like a baboon!
Tom: Thank you, Mr. Stating-the-obvious man.
>A hero's practically required to chase down his old Rogue's gallery.
Crow: Hey, there's no picture of Rogue there. Rip off! Rip off!
>But I wasn't too anxious to -- Uh-oh!
Big John: And now time for an utterly lame plot moment.
>Okay! I'll admit I was afraid.
Tom: [sings] Ah but then fear/ fear/ takes control/ Fear/ fear/ of the unknown...
Mike: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
>The thought of being a mindless brute terrified me!
Crow: And... how is that different from the way you are now?
Big John: Oooh... that was a hitting below the belt, Crow.
>But still I transformed into J 2 , and --
Mike: It still didn't stop me from having dashes at the end of my sentences!
>Julie: Finally! I was afraid you'd never show up.
Crow: If he had half a brain, he'd run away from this as fast as he could.
>J2: I hope you're happy now!
All: [monotone, sarcasm dripping from every word] we're positively elated.
>Julie: Positively ecstatic!
Crow: I have to wonder about someone who's happy about something like this.
>I had planned to stop him before he could zap me.
>No such luck.
Tom: And the plot is conveniently and excruciatingly dragged out further.
>My brain immediately started getting... fuzzy.
Crow: You've been turned into a gorilla! What do you expect?
>And my body felt all bloated.
Big John: Bloating? Say J2, is there something we don't know about you?
Mike: Don't even imply it.
>But the worst part was the stench.
>my gosh -- the stench!
All: Take a shower, you smelly ape!
>Julie: Somebody get a camera!
Crow: You're holding up a bank and you want a camera there??
>I wanna plaster our boy's new look on every newsmagazine in the country.
Tom: [as J2] My helmet! I can't feel my helmet!
>Caption: Not content with making a monkey out of me --
Crow: Because Marvel already did that.
>-- Big Julie wanted to play the humiliation card.
Mike: Because he didn't have the race card.
>But I didn't care!
>I was more interested in these tasty little bugs that I found crawling along the -- never mind!
Mike: Eeew. You don't know where those bugs have been, mister.
>The magic that allows me to be J2 eventually wore off --
>-- and I was back to my old self!
Tom: Not that it actually helped the situation...
>But my confidence was severely shaken.
Big John: [sings] Because your head is shaking/ And your arms are shaking/ And your feet are shaking/ Because your/ Earth is shaking...
Crow: I didn't know he had any confidence to begin with.
>(And my stomach was worse!)
Tom: That's what you get for eating bugs!
>Zane: Juggie's in real trouble, Talia.
>Talia: I know. I saw his picture on the front page of today's Daily Bugle.
Crow: Those tabloids... they'll print any picture.
Tom: [as Talia] They definitely got J2's bad side!
Mike: I wonder what she thinks of this plotline?
>EEYUU!
Big John: Ask an obvious question, get an obvious answer...
>Zane: There's no way to confront Big Julie without being zapped.
Crow: Well, I guess the villain wins. Story over.
Mike: Don't get your hopes up.
>Maybe Juggie should just give up and turn this matter over to the other Avengers.
Tom: It would certainly spare us this story.
>Talia: I doubt they would fare any better.
>Besides, after being ape-ified, and held up to public ridicule --
Crow: He should just go find a nice quiet spot where he can lie low for a few centuries....
>-- Juggie's already taken the worst Julie can offer.
Big John: Except for that thing with -
Mike: [interrupts] I don't want to hear it.
>Caption: Talia was right!
Crow: [as J2] I look absolutely terrible as a gorilla!
>All I had to fear was -- welllllllll, you know!
Tom: All I had to fear was that darned L key getting stuck again!
> J2: Ready for round two?
Mike: Let's not have one and say we did.
>Julie: You just don't know when to quit, do ya?
Tom: [sings] Do ya/ Doobie do do ya/ Do ya do ah...
> J2: A quitter never wins.
Crow: [as J2 ] Which is why I quit all the time.
>Julie: I like you better in monkey-mode.
Crow: This story feels like it was written by chimps.
>I'd love to tell you that I somehow managed to beat Big Julie during our second encounter.
>I didn't.
Crow: And then the bad guy won for good, the end.
Mike: Sorry, not this time.
>I failed a total of thirteen times.
Tom: [as Robert the Bruce] If the spider can do it on the seventh time, so can I!
Big John: But J2 didn't get him the seventh time.
>But I refused to give up.
>I kept coming back -- again and again!
Crow: And got defeated again and again.
Tom: This is getting to be like Generation X where they can't defeat anyone.
>Until finally --!
Tom: [sings] Finally/ It happened to me/ Right in front of my face/ And I just can't deny it...
Crow: Julie had all the money he wanted, so he gave up.
>There's a moral to this tale --
Tom: But what it is, I just don't know.
>-- but it probably ain't the one you think!
Crow: Probably isn't The one you think it is.
Mike: Think? I didn't know Marvel characters thought.
Tom: Yea, that is kinda pushing the boundaries of credibility.
>Yeah, there's the thing about trying and succeeding.
Crow: But I don't want you to think about that.
>(but there's a lesson you really should have learned in kindergarten!)
Mike: Never run with the scissors?
Crow: Don't chew with your mouth open?
Tom: Caring means sharing?
Big John: Don't eat the yellow snow?
Mike: Big John!
>When I finally analyzed exactly why I was so frightened of Big Julie's transforming gizmo,
Tom: I realized that I wasn't cut out for the superhero biz, so I quit it!
>I realized it all had to do with ego and self-image --
Mike: [a la the commercial] Egoitse! Egoiste!
> -- and you should never take yourself to seriously.
>The end - for now!
All: AH! It's the evil monkey toy!
(The lights come up, and Mike and the bots exit. Commercials. More of cramming crap down your throat stuff. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Angel is wearing an apron in addition to her jumpsuit. She is busy dusting the place with a feather duster.)
Angel: Gypsy, we need to get some more bright colors here. I think a spring motif would be good here, don't you?
(The Mads light comes on.)
Angel: Gypsy? Can you hear me?
(The screen opens to show Bobo and Pearl there.)
Pearl: Nelson! We - wait a minute! Who are you!?
(Angel turns around to see Pearl there.)
Angel: Uh-oh.
Pearl: What are you doing on my station!?
(Enter Gypsy.)
Pearl: [getting angry] Gypsy! GET THAT NELSON IN HERE NOW!!!
Gypsy: Uh-oh.
(Angel pushes a button.)
Angel: All right, let me explain. I am in love with Mike, so I followed him here. We were engaged to be married when you took him away to the SOL for the first time. I went and followed him here.
(Enter Mike and the other bots.)
Mike: Gypsy, what's - uh-oh.
Pearl: [extremely angered] NELSON!! HOW YOU DARE YOU HAVE A WOMAN UP THERE!!!
Big John: She's a lot better looking than you are.
Pearl: [to Big John] SHUT UP!!
Angel: Come on, Pearl. Haven't you ever been in love before? Didn't you once have someone you liked having around?
Tom: What about Clay's father?
(Pearl, already enraged, turns red with anger.)
Pearl: [shouting] DON'T MENTION THAT SLIMEBUCKET AGAIN!!! That does it, Nelson! You're getting the oxygen cut off in there except for the theater, and your little friend is going to have to join you in there!!
(Pearl turns off the communication.)
Angel: I think I've made a tiny error here... I'm sorry, guys...
(The comic book sign comes on. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel, and the bots sit.)
Angel: So, what nastiness has Pearl dragged up for us now?
>Stan Lee presents: Thunderstrike
>
"Spawn"Crow: Definitely not with his best foot forward.
Mike: I thought you said Spawn was an Image character.
Big John: He is.
>Thunderstrike: Hi honey, I'm homme!
Tom: [as a little kid] Daddy daddy, what did you bring me?
Mike: [German accent] Ein, we can tell you are a man.
>Black Widow: Very funny, Strike!
Angel: Now I see what you've been keeping me from all this time. This is awful.
Mike: Don't worry, Angel. Just let the bots and I do our riffing, and you should be all right.
>A Jerry Seinfeld you're not!
Tom: A William Shakespeare the writer is not!
>Now, stand aside -- it's cold out there!
Mike: [as the Black Widow] You're letting in cold air into the house! Our heating bills are bad enough, but this is gonna send it through the roof!
>Black Panther: Be at ease, Madam Widow! The Black Panther is not easily governed by mere climatic whims.
Angel: You mind if I try a riff?
Mike: Go ahead.
Angel: [as Black Widow] Well, I am! You're always leaving the thermostat on too cold!
Tom: Oh no, not another thermostat war!
Crow: Isn't he from Central Africa? Shouldn't he be freezing as well?
>Black Widow: T'Challa! I know your costume is insulated, but the temperature is rapidly dropping --!
Tom: And the quality is dropping with it.
Angel: Are you sure it hasn't hit rock bottom yet?
Big John: Just wait until we get to our usual rants.
>Thunderstrike: Uh, guys, in case you've forgotten, -
Crow: [as Thunderstrike] This is my series and I want to be the star of it! Stop your whining now!
>I'm a last minute draftee... and never got a full briefing on this mission!
Mike: [as the Black Widow] Well, every other Avenger was out of action! Strange that a group of aliens would attack in Long Island just as I was asking for volunteers...
>Black Widow: I trust you have heard of the Savage Land?
Angel: Erm... no...
Crow: Well, it's a place in the Antarctic where there's a tropical rainforest surrounded by volcanoes. The place is filled with dinosaurs and other creatures that went extinct in other parts of the world.
Angel: [thinking it's a bad idea] Okay...
>Thunderstrike: Yea, sure! It's supposed to be a prehistoric jungle located somewhere near the south pole -- but I never thought it was real!
Angel: Are all Marvel plots this hard to swallow?
Big John: Oh heavens no - most of them are even worse.
Tom: We really should prepare her for the dead and resurrected thing.
Angel: I don't think I like where this is going.
Crow: Well, in the Marvel universe, death is a temporary thing. You die, and about six months later, you're brought back to life.
>Black Panther: It exists... and is quite near. ... hidden beneath a layer of dense clouds!
Crow: Just so prying eyes don't go looking.
>A tropical paradise which has been nestled within a ring of volcanic mountains for centuries!
>SHIELD established this observation post many years past.
Mike: [holding up a bunch of periods] Man, stop dropping all this punctuation!
Angel: What are you talking about?
Big John: S.H.I.E.L.D. is an acronym for Strategic Hazard International Espionage Logistics Directorate. They've been very ambivalent about whether or not they're good guys or bad guys.
Angel: I am definitely not liking this.
>All contact was lost a little over a week ago, but severe weather conditions prevented any attempts to rescue the surviving personnel until now!
Crow: Or it was just one wild party.
>Black Widow: Careful, T'Challa! You're not wearing a headlamp!
Angel: [as the Black Panther] But those headlamps clash with this outfit!
Tom: Hey, you're getting the hang of things... soon, you'll be riffing with the best of them.
>Black Panther: The eyes of a cat are not sightless in the dark --
Angel: Em, I thought that eyes worked by receiving light...
Crow: Apparently, not in the Marvel Universe...
> -- nor are my remaining senses without similar advantage!
> I have found our quarry!
Mike: Well, that was quick.
Big John: It's because he could smell them a mile away. They've been without showers for a week now.
Angel: Ugh.
>Thunderstrike! The scientists we seek are locked within that distant storage locker!
>Thunderstrike: I don't get it! This door seems to be bolted from the inside!
Tom: But that's not going to stop me from tearing it off its hinges and destroying S.H.I.E.L.D. property...
>Whoever's locked in there did it... deliberately!
Mike: Don't try this one.
Big John: Not touching it with a 10 foot pole.
>Black Panther: I suspect the answer to your question will soon be revealed!
Angel: Why is everyone shouting in this story?
Tom: My theory is that everyone in the Marvel universe is half-deaf, so they have to shout to hear each other.
>Scientist: T- the Thing -- It's finally found us!
Crow: Hey, the Thing's not there! Rip-off! rip-off! And that's the SECOND character you've mentioned that's not there.
>Other Scientist: N-no! T-they're human!
>H-help has finally arrived!
Big John: [as random scientist] I must be dreaming because one of them looks like a really hot redheaded babe!
(Angel, not amused by this, reaches over and slaps Big John.)
Big John: Ooh baby...
Angel: [confused] You like that??
Big John: Pleasurebots aren't bought by the straight-laced, you know.
Angel: [somewhat frustrated] I'm sorry I asked.
>Thunderstrike's thoughts: What happened here? They look terrified, on the verge of starvation.
Tom: Someone told them Hammer and Arab were writing this story, so they hid!
Big John: Now that's a fate worse than death.
>It's like they've been through a war!
>Black Widow: Don't just stand there, 'Strike!
Tom: We're going to offer you as a sacrifice to feed these people!
>These people need immediate attention!
>Black Panther's thoughts: Something prowls in the deep and distant shadows!
Angel: This story is turning into one big cliché.
All but Angel: That's Marvel in a nutshell.
>But I must remain here to guard these scientists!
Tom: Apparently, Black Widow and Thunderstrike aren't enough to protect them.
Mike: So why couldn't they get some decent writing?
>Scientist: W-we never had a chance!
Big John: Those kind of questions are getting WAY too predictable.
>I-it must have come off the last supply ship!
>Black Widow: Where is the rest of your crew?
Angel: [as the Black Widow] And why has my hair suddenly turned white for no apparent reason?
Big John: I think if I was trapped in the Marvel Universe, my hair would turn white too.
>Ashford!
Crow: and Simpson!
>Cobra! Touchy! Newell! T-the monster got them all!
Tom: But he wants us all so he can have a matched set.
>W-we can't stay here! T-the thing will be back!
Crow: [a la Poltergeist II] They're back!
>I-it won't stop until we're all dead!
Mike: [as the scientist] Which makes it really tough since we keep getting resurrected here!
>Black Widow: Thunderstrike! Panther! I'll get these people to the quintet!
Crow: [as the Black Widow] And since I don't like either of you, you're monster fodder!
>You check the underground levels For more survivors!
Angel: Erm... didn't that scientist say there were no other survivors?
All but Angel: Yes.
Tom: And the story is conveniently and excruciatingly drawn out further.
>Scientist: You got it, boss lady!
Angel: Ah, it's nice to see a woman in charge for once.
Big John: Hey, I wouldn't mind her being in charge of me for awhile.
Mike: Big John! There are women present!
>Thunderstrike's thoughts: With all this talk of monsters, it's pretty obvious why SHIELD called in the Avengers.
Crow: They didn't want to do it themselves.
>Thunderstrike: Slow down, Panther!
Tom: [sings] Slow down, you're moving too fast/ You got make the party last...
>I don't want to lose you!
Crow: But I certainly want to lose you, loser!
>We've both seen enough old movies to guess the next two victims on the creature's hit parade!
>Black Panther: Movies? My royal duties as the king of Wakened permit little time for such frivolous pursuits!
Crow: Don't worry, if the movies in Wakened are like what we get, you're not missing out on much.
>Thunderstrike: I guess that explains why you're such a bundle of yuks!
Tom: This story is a bunch of yucks... yucky writing, yucky acting...
>Oh, well, at least it's warmer down here and -- aw, no! He slipped away while I was blathering!
All: Can't say I blame him...
Crow: Thunderstrike... the clueless Avenger.
>T'Challa?!
>Panther?
>Your highness?
Crow: [as the Black Panther] Get away from me! I'm trying to pretend I don't know you!
>Black Panther: -> UNNNN <-
Big John: Man, that was some wild party you missed!
>Thunderstrike: Yikes!
>Something targeted him --
>-- hurtling him back with the force of a bullet!
Angel: Faster than a speeding bullet... more powerful than a locomotive...
All but Angel: Wrong comic book company, Angel.
Angel: I have a life, so I have an excuse.
>You okay, mister?
>Black Panther: I am... uninjured!
Crow: Some nincompoop broke my fall.
>Thunderstrike: y'see? There's a lot to be learned from them old films!
Mike: You mean films like Skydivers, Manos: The Hands of Fate, The Beginning of the End, The Crawling Hand, The Unearthly and the like?
Tom: Yes, they're good examples of what not to do in a film.
>I assume you found it --
>-- whatever it is!
Angel: The specter of decent writing?
Mike: I wouldn't get my hopes up, darling.
>More to the point, my mighty muscled companion...
>It has found us!
Angel: Why is it almost every other world is bolded here?
Crow: Our theory is they believe if you can't be good, be bold.
>Voice: Good Lord! Wha - what is it?
Crow: A reject from Jurassic Park?
Tom: An escapee from 1,000,000 BC?
Mike: A bad '50's sci-fi reject?
Big John: Sauron's evil cousin?
>Voice: He is Stegron, the dinosaur man!
All but Angel: Darn!
>I though his scent was familiar, but he seems more savage, more monstrous than our last encounter!
All but Angel: Oh no! A Dark Stegron!
Angel: What are you talking about?
Crow: Well, whenever a character gets better powers, they often turn 'dark' - or more brooding, psychotic and the like.
>Black Panther: Beware his deadly tail, my friend!
Crow: So I'm going to get out of the way and let you feel it!
>Dr. Vincent Stegron was once a brilliant scientist --
>-- but he chose to sacrifice his mind along with his humanity!
Angel: So what did he gain in the process?
Crow: I'm not too sure I'd want to find out.
>Stegron: You mussst not ssstop Stegron!
Crow: You mussst be having problems with your s key!
>Black Panther: What is it that you seek, creature?
Big John: [as Stegron] A place where people don't jump all over me, for ssstartersss...
Crow: Must have been in New York for too long.
>Why have you come to this desolate place?
>Why attack these helpless scientists?
>Why?!
Mike: Why ask why? Try bud dry!
>Stegron: Ssstegron mussst be home!
Tom: [as Stegron] Ssso I can sssay "Honey, I'm homme!" Just like Thunderssstrike did.
Big John: Makes you wonder what the wife and kids look like.
Crow: I don't think I'd want to find out.
>Black Panther: ->Uggnh<-
Tom: This story is quickly turning into "Let's kick the crud out of Black Panther."
Crow: This is definitely not winning points with the NAACP.
>Someone: We'll be glad to pack you up and send you there...
>I'm sure there's a Federal Express in the neighborhood!
Mike: But UPS gets it there cheaper!
Tom: [sings] Who are the people in your neighborhood/ In your neighborhood/ In your neighborhood...
>Thunderstrike: No offense, my feline friend, but you're a little slow when it comes to spitting out a warning.
Crow: Like he really had time for that.
>Black Panther: Forgive me, Avenger! I mistakenly assumed you possessed faster reflexes!
Big John: Ah, these muscle-bound oafs are always slower than Christmas!
>Thunderstrike: Nah! Nit everyone's as quick as a cat -- Uh-oh! I just got a warning beep! The Widow's coming on-line!
Tom: [as the Black Widow] Thunderstrike! Quit pussyfooting around and get back here! This plot has been dragged out to far now!
>Someone: Where are you, Thunderstrike? Why the delay? What's keeping you?
Crow: Let's see here... a bad plotline, terrible dialogue, and a lame villain for starters...
>Black Widow: I've just received a report from the nearest military base!
>A major storm front is moving in!
Big John: [sings] Storm front moving so we go slowly/ They didn't want for the trip to end there...
Tom: [sings] Little Eiffel/ Little Eiffel...
>You must return to the quinjet at once!
>Thunderstrike: Wonderful!
Tom: In other words, speed it up!
Crow: I don't think this will help, though...
>Black Panther: Trouble, my friend!
>The Widow's got a bad case of the munchies!
Crow: The Quinjet's being run over with munchkins!
>I gotta do my Avengers thing... and wrap things up quickly... before she chews off my butt!
Big John: Well, -
Mike: [interrupts] Don't even think about it.
>Black Panther: Be cautious, Thunderstrike!
Crow: Like he's really going to heed that.
>Stegron possesses the impregnable hide of a true dinosaur! He recognizes no pain!
Mike: Obviously... since your bad dialogue isn't affecting him...
>Thunderstrike: Maybe I'll introduce them and --- ->UFFT<-
>Stegron: Compared to SSStegron, you move with the ssspeed of a glacier!
>Ssstay back --- or die!!
Crow: And compared to most writing, this stinks!
Tom: Believe me, I'd like to get away from this writing as much as possible.
>Black Panther's thoughts: Thunderstrike has been hurled away like a witless plaything!
Crow: Which he is!
Angel: This stuff makes me want to hurl too.
>He could be seriously injured -- or worse...
Mike: He could have Hama writing him!
Big John: Or Raab.
>unless I cushioned his impact with my own body!
Mike: Terribly nice of him to do that...
>Stegron: The sssun has sssset on the age of man! Crime, war, pollution and prejudice have weakened your race beyond redemption!
>Ssstegron was ssspawned in the Sssavage land! I mussst return home... Where I will await your inevitable dessstruction!
Tom: That's it? He's going around beating on people just because he can't get to his house?
Angel: Just like a man not to stop and ask directions.
Mike: Oh, come on, Angel, it was just one time...
>Once again, the time comessss for ...
>Dinosaurs to rule the earth!
Big John: Good thing we're up here on a moon of Mars.
Crow: Well, they couldn't to a worse job than man has...
>Caption: At that very instant, a most alien vessel glides among the murky depths of New York Harbor...
Tom: That can't be New York harbor. Where's all the garbage? Where's the mob informant wearing cement shoes? Where's all the pollution?
>Seth?: Alas, the gentle boon I so freely offer others --
>-- is forever denied me!
Big John: [as Seth] So now I'm going to charge people money before I kill them!
>Seth, the serpent God of death cannot die!
Mike: Because I'm in the Marvel Universe and nobody here stays dead for long!
Angel: I'm glad I don't live in the Marvel Universe.
>Thus, I have of ten been compelled to recreate myself, employing the scientific advances of my loyal geneti-troops!
Tom: Is it just me or is this kind of a lame explanation as to why Seth's not dead?
Crow: It's not you.
>Loki: 'Tis their very skill which brings me here --
>The disembodied Loki currently has need of a physical form!
Crow: Ah! It's a rehash of The Atomic Brain!
>Seth: Perhaps I can aid you, my most valued friend...
>Loki: As I can likewise be of service to thee...
Angel: Just what is the point to all of this?
Tom: Well, a good number of Marvel stories have one page in them which sets up a plotline for the next few issues. I think that's what we've got here.
Crow: I'm not too sure I want to see the rest of this plotline, though....
>Loki: By conquering the meddlesome fool who recently caused the ruination and downfall of thy armageddon complex!
>The mortal who is currently called Thunderstrike!
Tom: [announcer voice] Uh-oh. Can Thunderstrike survive the onslaught of both Loki and Seth? Tune in next time to find out!
Mike: Let's not and say we did.
>Seth: Let the bargain be struck --
>And the pact be sealed!
>Caption: Meanwhile, back on the edge of the Savage Land...
>Stegron: Humankind isss frail! Weak! I am sssurprised you have sssurvived ssso long!
Tom: I think the same could be said for Marvel Comics!
>Thunderstrike: Chalk it up to pure attitude --
Tom: [sings] I've got a new attitude!
>And a great sense of style!
>Thunderstrike's thoughts: Got to find a way to put this snake on ice!
Mike: That's not a snake, it's a lizard! Get your fact straight!
> ->Unnnh!<- It's no use! He's too freaking fast!
>Every time I move in on him, his tail batters me back!
Crow: So finally Thunderstrike gives up and then the story ends.
Angel: I don't think that would save this.
>Stegron: Reckless oaf! You will now pay for your foolhardy attack!
>Thunderstrike: I... uh... hope you take visa!
>Hoo-boy!
Mike: Sorry, this is a cash only place!
>Black Panther's thoughts: Thunderstrike is in desperate need of a timely respite!
Crow: So I'm just going to let Stegron wear himself out on Thunderstrike, and then move in.
>Neither his great strength... nor my cat-like speed has proven sufficient to defeat the dinosaur man!
>Thus, I must compensate --
Tom: Thunderstrike's family after he dies!
>-- by employing simple leverage to this massive scientific apparatus!
Mike: Hey, that piece of equipment costs a lot of money, mister! You got the funds to pay for it?
>Thunderstrike: Nice shot, cat guy!
>With clutch-hitting like that, you'd have a real shot at making a major league baseball team!
Tom: [a la "The Concrete Jungle"] whoever threw that.... you'll never pitch for the Yankees.
>Black Panther: I shall keep your suggestion in mind --
>In the unlikely event I renounce my throne!
All: Don't quit your day job!
>Come, my fellow Avenger! We must press our attack!
>We dare not allow our reptilian rival to recover!
Crow: But I left my iron at home!
>Thunderstrike: I hear you, Panther ol' pal! But I've suddenly got a new take on this situation!
Big John: A Marvel idea? Uh-oh!
Tom: Run for your life!
>I don't know the current thinking on the subject, but when I was a boy... scientists believed that a global drop in temperature is what wiped out the dinosaurs!
>Maybe we can sap lizard breath's strength and slow him down --
>By exposing him to the great outdoors!
Mike:
Well, what with pollution, acid rain, and the like, that'll probably kill them.>Stegron: What have you done, human?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump] Looks like he blew a hole in the wall to me...
>Ssstegron hatesss the cold! and yet...
>Thisss may be the opportunity I have long sssought!
Crow: [as Stegron] A way out of thisss messsss!
>No longer can I bear being trapped within thisss ssstifling inssstallation!
Tom: [as Stegron] Ssso I'm leaving now!
>No more can I ssstomach the revolting ssscent of man!
Mike: We're not too keen about your smell either, mister!
Crow: The way you've been tormenting them, they stink because they haven't had a bath!
>Voice: Thunderstrike! The weather is turning savage! We must lift off immediately!
Crow:
And so they do and live happily ever after, the end.Tom:
This is the Marvel universe. There's no such thing as a happy ending.>Thunderstrike: Sorry, Widow! We're not finished here! We need more time!
Big John:
[as Thunderstrike] I know there's some decent writing around here somewhere! I just gotta find it!>Voice: There isn't any!
Big John:
So leave those two there! It's not like anyone's gonna miss them.>Thunderstrike: Stegron will never survive the cold!
>Then why did he race into it?
Angel
: Who cares? This story is really dragging on too long now.>Caption: "He's desperate...
Tom:
To get out of the Marvel Universe.>"As he told us earlier...
>"He yearns to return to the Savage Land.
Big John: Considering how the place has gotten blown up, destroyed and the like over the years, I'm not too sure I'd want to live there.
>"He wants to be reunited with the only spot on this earth...
>"A dinosaur man can call home!
Tom: [sings] Reunited/ And it feels so good...
Crow: I'm not too sure I'd want to be reunited with that.
>Voice: There! We finally found him!
Angel:
Lemme get this straight. This guy pounds the tar out of you, and now you want to help him?Crow:
Well, this is Marvel logic. It's not supposed to make sense.>Panther: But I fear we have arrived too late!
Mike: Yep, and the ship has now left without you.
Crow:
That's what they get for standing around a lot.>Thunderstrike: Look! He was so close --!
All:
Close, but no cigar!>You could see the Savage Land peeking through the cloud cover!
Tom: [sings] Peek-a-boo! I can see you/ And I know what you do!
> Black Panther: The poor devil ...
Tom: Uh, guys, the Black Widow is taking off without you...
> In the end ... he proved to be a simple beast... struggling to reach a place where he could finally fit in!
Big John: And believe me, it's not easy to find people who appreciate a hot stegasaurus babe in skin tight clothing!
Mike: Big John!
>Thunderstrike: Yeah.... aren't we all?
Crow: This is one of those stories where the underlying message got in the way of the story.
Tom: Thank goodness it's over. [To Angel] That's pretty mild compared to some of the things we've had. So what do you think?
Angel: I'm glad I don't live in the Marvel Universe.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Commercials. More force-feeding you garbage that you don't want or need.)