(Scene 1. A desolate mountainside. The remnants of the Satellite of Love are scattered about the place. The ground is scorched from the crash of the SOL into the ground. Nearby, we see Mike, Crow, Tom, and Big John lying on the ground. There is a lot of smoke in the air. Tom appears to be in several pieces. Mike has a lot of bruises, and his hip is dislocated.)
Big John: >Cough!< >Hack!<
(Big John uneasily sits up.)
Big John: We did it, guys, we managed to survive the crash...
(He looks over Mike, Tom, and Crow.)
Big John: Mike? Crow? Tom? Can you hear me?
(He uneasily moves over to Crow, and examines the robot.)
Big John: Ah, you�ve just got some circuits out of alignment....
(Big John makes some adjustments to Crow. Crow then springs to life.)
Crow: AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Big John: Crow, we�ve made it back to Earth. We�re free.
Crow: Free? We�re really free?
(Crow goes over to Tom Servo as Big John goes over to Mike.)
Crow: Tom? Tom speak to me!
Big John: Tom�s going to need some repairs, Crow. I think we should concentrate on Mike. He�s not as sturdy as we are.
(Big John crawls over to Mike, then takes Mike�s pulse.)
Crow: Since when did you know first aid?
Big John: It�s a safety precaution programmed into all pleasurebots. After all, there are some people who would do things a little excessively here.
(Big John lifts one of Mike�s eyelids, and looks into his eye.)
Big John: Mike�s in shock. Come on, I need help lifting his legs.
(Crow holds up Mike�s feet as Big John puts some debris beneath Mike�s legs.)
Big John: There we go...
(Dazed and confused, Mike wakes up.)
Mike: (weakly) Uhn... no ma, it�s Saturday, I don�t have to go to school...
Crow: Mike, can you hear us?
Mike: Crow?
(Mike looks around.)
Big John: Take it easy, Mike. You�ve got a lot of bruises on you.
(Crow starts picking up the pieces of Tom.)
Mike: Big John... ?
Big John: Now you�re remembering something... what do you remember about me?
Mike: You ever could stop with the sex, could you?
Big John: He�ll be fine, eventually.
(Crow finishes picking up Tom.)
Crow: Oh, poor Tom.... he must have taken the brunt of the fall...
(Mike tries to sit up, but cannot. He grimaces in pain.)
Mike: AH!
Big John: Hold on Mike, your hip is dislocated... This will hurt a lot...
(Big John pushes on Mike�s hip, and we hear a rather disgusting sound of bones being reset.)
Mike: YEOWCH!!!
Big John: We�re going to have to get you some medical attention, Mike. I�ve already used my transponder to hail 911.
Mike: Since when did you have this?
Big John: It was a safety precaution built into me. When I was at the SOL, there was some kind of field that blocked the transmissions. Fortunately, it�s off.
(Crow sets down Tom Servo, and starts reassembling him.)
Crow: Oh, poor Tom... he was like a brother to me...
Big John: I�m getting a response to the hail... they say they will be here soon.
Mike: Say... has anyone seen Gypsy or Camerabot?
(the Bots look around the place.)
Big John: I think I see something...
(Big John uneasily moves around, then picks up about 13 different pieces of Camerabot.)
Big John: Looks like Camerabot didn�t make it. It�s circuitry is fried.
(Mike and the bots look around some more.)
Big John: I don�t see Gypsy anywhere...
(An ambulance enters, and stops. Out jump two paramedics, with a gurney.)
Big John: Ah, there you are. The patient has a reset dislocated hip, multiple bruises and possibly more.
Paramedic: My God, what happened here?
Crow: We were all trapped on this satellite when it fell to earth.
(The paramedics put Mike on the gurney.)
Paramedic: Let�s get him to the hospital stat!
(The paramedics load Mike onto the ambulance, and close the doors.)
Crow: Hey, wait a minute, what about us?
(The ambulance speeds off, sirens blaring and lights flashing.)
Crow: Oh great.
(Scene 2. A hospital room. Mike Nelson lies on the bed, with an IV in his arm leading up to a plastic bag of D5W. He is awake and alert, and reading a book.)
Mike: Oh, Hi gang. It�s been about 48 hours since we crashed. To catch you up on what�s going on, I�ve had my dislocated hip repaired, and many of the bruises have been removed. Someone said my last girlfriend works in this hospital, and she should be here soon. I�ve missed her quite a lot over the years I spent in the SOL.
(Crow, Tom, and Big John enter the place. Crow has some flowers, and Big John carries a get well card. All are repaired now.)
Crow: I hope you�re feeling better, Mike.
Mike: Yea, I�m starting to feel better now.
Tom: We brought you some flowers and a get well card.
(Big John gives the card to Mike as Crow sets the flowers in a vase next to Mike.)
Crow: Go ahead, read it Mike.
Mike: [reads] Congratulations... [opens card] I hope your new baby daughter brings you much joy. [stops reading] New baby daughter?
Big John: It was the only card they had left in the gift shop. And we had to pay an arm and a leg for that thing too!
Tom: It�s the thought that counts, Mike.
(Enter a pleasant looking brunette woman, who is about Mike�s age. She wears a nursing uniform.)
Nurse (Angel): [emotionally] Mike! I thought you had been killed!
Mike: Angel... it�s so good to see you again...
(Angel puts her arms around Mike, giving him a hug.)
Big John: So this is your girlfriend, hmm? Lucky dog.
Angel: (Turning) Who�s this?
Mike: Ah, these are some friends I�ve made over the last few years... They are Crow, Tom Servo, and Big John.
Angel: You had a male pleasurebot??
Big John: We were never lovers. I was the pleasurebot for the evil scientist who was holding Mike captive, then she punished me for a wrongdoing by sending me up to the satellite that Mike was on.
Mike: Frankly, he�s been more of a nuisance than anything else to me.
(Angel holds hands with Mike.)
Angel: Well, I hope you get to feeling better soon...
Mike: Having you around, I feel much better, Angel.
(Scene 3. Castle Forrester. We see two Observers and Bobo on the computer, reading something.)
Observer: So, how did things go with you?
Bobo: Not too well. I got fired from my job at the McBurger the first day when I sorta accidentally set the place on fire. I wonder why Pearl gave up her dictatorship?
(The Observer types something into the computer.)
Observer: Actually, she got deposed on her fifth day in power - seems that the Arabs didn�t take too kindly to a decadent western woman ruling them. They said she was too liberal and kind a ruler and overthrew her.
Bobo: I don�t know how she�s going to react to this...
(Enter Pearl.)
Pearl: I�m not going to like what?
Observer: Well, it seems that Mike Nelson survived the crash, along with three of the robots that were with him. Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot and Big John made it through the crash as well.
(Pearl thinks.)
Pearl: This could be an opportunity to resume the experiments I�ve been conducting... I�ve got to have Mike back!
Observer: Begging the Mistress� pardon, once we get him, where are we going to put him?
Pearl: Good question... Bobo! check out the want ads!
(Scene 4. An apartment. The place is moderately decorated, with femininity showing through. Mike sits on the couch next to Angel.)
Angel: Well, now that you�ve healed, and you�re back with me, I hope we can resume our plans to get married.
Mike: I would love no better thing, Angel.
Voice (from off screen): Oh cool! I�ve never been to a wedding before! Can I be the best man?
(They turn to see Crow entering.)
Mike: Crow, do you mind?
Crow: No, go on ahead without me.
(Angel pulls away from Mike, and examines Crow and Tom.)
Angel: Well, I guess you can stay awhile... the lacrosse mitt is kinda cute there...
Crow: Hey, she likes us!
Angel: We could use a good couple of domestic servants around here...
Tom: O.k., but I don�t do windows.
Mike:This is wonderful... I didn�t have the heart to send them out into that cold world alone...
(Scene 5. The beaches of some tropical island. Big John is there, wearing a pair of swimtrunks.)
Big John: Ah, this is the life... the sun, the sand, and especially the hot babes in skimpy clothing...
(He looks at some young women in bikinis playing volleyball.)
Big John: I think they could use a spectator over there...
(Big John strolls over to the game, and watches it. They are between sets now.)
Big John: Well, good afternoon ladies.
Woman 1: Ooh... a pleasurebot. I don�t think I�ve seen him before.
Big John: Oh, well I was just hired this week... the name�s Big John.
(The women gather around him.)
Woman 1: Hmm... a Big Johnson model 11.5... and he�s kinda cute too.
Woman 2: Say, we could use a referee here...
Big John: Why, I�d be happy to oblige...
(The women return to playing volleyball.)
Big John: Beats having to deal with Pearl any day.
(Scene 6. Go back to Castle Forrester. Pearl and an Observer are there.)
Observer: We�ve managed to find Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo. They�re all together in an apartment with Mike�s girlfriend of old.
Pearl: Excellent... How is Bobo coming with that search for a new place for him?
(Pearl goes over to a communication panel, and flips a switch.)
Pearl: Bobo, report! And you�d better not be looking at cyberporn again!
Bobo: I�ve got about 3 leads... You�d better come here to look at them....
(Pearl goes over into another room, where Bobo sits in front of a computer terminal.)
Bobo: Ah, Pearl, we�ve got some good things here....
(Bobo pushes some buttons on the keyboard.)
Bobo: Here�s a base on the moon that is for sale by the Russians... It�s only $50 million...
Pearl: How about something less expensive?
(Bobo pushes some more buttons.)
Bobo: Here�s a Japanese Satellite with a money back guarantee... it�s $12 million...
Pearl: Interesting... but that�s still too pricey...
(Bobo pushes one more button.)
Bobo: The International Intelligence Telemetry group is the last one.... they�re abandoning their station on Phobos... It�s being auctioned off on E-bay now, and the bid is now at $1000...
Pearl: That�s it! Bobo, put in a bid right now for $1001. Bid until you get that place, but don�t go over $500,000. Now that we have a place for him... we have to get Mike!!
(Scene 7. Big John makes a call.)
Big John: Out!
Woman 1: Out??
(The woman approaches Big John.)
Woman 1: Come on, that was in... wasn�t it?
Big John: I�ve made up my mind... and to change it, you�re going to have to give me something special...
(The woman puts her arms around Big John, and kisses him.)
Woman 2: Hey! No fair!
Woman 3: All�s fair in love and war.
(Big John parts lips with her, and then hoists her over his shoulder.)
Big John: You just continue without us, all right?
(Big John takes her out of the area. Scene 8. Go back to Mike and Angel. They are sleeping next to each other on a bed. They are covered by the sheets.)
Crow: (From off panel) Oh my God! Mike, wake up! They�re here! They�re -
Mike: Mm...
(Crow falls, out cold. Bobo and the Observer enter.)
Observer: (quietly) Remember, do it quietly.
Bobo: Quietly, right!
Observer: Ssh!
(Mike stirs.)
Mike: Crow, what�s going on? I�m tired....
(The Observer puts a handkerchief over Mike�s mouth as Bobo does the same to Angel.)
Mike: [startled awake] Mnph! Mnph!
Angel: [also startled awake] Emnph!
(Mike and Angel struggle to stay conscious, but fall to Bobo and the Observer.)
Bobo: Should we take her too?
Observer: No, our orders were for Mike only... and the bots.
(The Observer picks up Mike, and takes him out.)
Observer: Take the bots.
Bobo: Right...
(Scene 9. Big John is lying in a bed next to the brunette woman he picked up earlier.)
Woman: Mmm... you were absolutely wonderful...
Big John: So were you, babe. It�s been so long since I really had a good night in bed with a really hot babe...
(The two of them kiss. Suddenly Bobo and the Observer enter.)
Big John: Do you mind? This is a private party!
(The Observer sprays a gas in the woman�s face as Bobo hits Big John with a cattle prod. Bobo jumps back as Big John�s circuitry is overloaded.)
Big John: YEOW!!
Bobo: OW!!
And onto the MiSTing of X-Force #91