MST3K:
Marvelville #3
Original by Bill Jemas MiST by Icehole. Commercials by quamp
(Opening credits. Deep INIT bridge. Angel and Mike are standing opposite each other. Both look very angry. Angel has her arms folded across her chest.)
Angel: Michael J. Nelson, you are impossible!
Mike: Oh, so everything that goes wrong on this satellite is suddenly my fault.
(In front of them, Tom Servo appears.)
Tom: Hi everyone and welcome to Deep INIT station. You've really caught us at a bad time as Mike and Angel are having a lover's quarrel.
(Tom ducks down as we go back to Angel and Mike.)
Mike: Look, I'm by no means perfect. Why can't you accept that?
Angel: I don't expect you to be perfect, I just expect you not to do something incredibly bone headed like this.
(Commercial sign comes on as Tom pops back up.)
Tom: We're going to need some help on this. We'll be right back.
(Commercials. More sugarcoated nonsense shoved in your face. When we come back, same scene. Now Big John is in the picture.)
Mike: You are the last person I would want mediating things, Big John.
Angel: Same here.
Big John: See, now you're agreeing on something, and that's a start. Look, I've been programmed with quite a lot of psychology here. We can work things out together.
Mike: I think we'd do better on our own, really.
Angel: I agree here. Stay out of this argument, Big John.
(Mads light comes on.)
Big John: Well, you'd better put your differences aside for a while. Pearl Forrest Gump is calling.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl has a basket in front of her with two bottles in it. One bottle is blue, the other red. Nearby, the Observer is standing.)
Pearl: I heard that, Big John! (to Mike) Well Nelscum, how are things up in your satellite? Love going pretty good?
(Deep INIT. Crow and Tom have joined the picture.)
Mike: Well, we've had one or two disagreements, but that's not unusual.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Well, this time I've really done it. I've created the first human pheromones. Now, these pheromones are specifically geared to you two based on the DNA scans we've taken of you two. (Turns) Brain Guy.
(Observer concentrates, and then the basket in Pearl's hand disappears, along with the bottles.)
Pearl: Now, I want you two to take a whiff. Mike, you smell the blue bottle, and Angel, you smell the red bottle.
(Deep (INIT. The basket appears on the desk. Mike takes the blue bottle, and opens it up.)
Mike: Well, all right, I guess we don't have a choice in the matter…
(Mike waves the bottle under his nose a few times. Angel takes the red bottle into her hands, and opens it up.)
Mike: All right, I've smelled the stuff.
(Angel waves the red bottle under her nose a few times.)
Angel: And I've done the same.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Ha! What a sucker! Now, you should be falling madly in love with me right about… now.
Observer: And Angel, you should be falling in love with me right about now.
(Deep INIT.)
Mike: Hmm… Well Pearl, you look absolutely…
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl (with anticipation): Yes?
(Deep INIT.)
Mike: You look absolutely… the same.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is a combination of crestfallen and angry.)
Pearl: The same!? Mike Nelson, you are just trying to make me angry!
(Deep INIT.)
Mike: No, I really don't feel any attraction to you.
Angel: I don't feel any attraction to the Observer either. In fact, your pheromone recipe smelt a lot like old sweat socks.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl (frustrated): What went wrong!? I did everything according to the recipe! Well, your experiment this week is the third installment in the wonderful Marvelville series.
Observer: After you've viewed Jemas' latest disaster, you'll wish you were really lovesick with us.
(Deep INIT.)
All: Marvelville again!?
Crow: Aw, come on! We had Marvelville #2 last week!
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: Shut up! This is science! Besides, you still have three more besides this one! Three more!
(Deep INIT. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots enter.)
Crow: Jeez, Marvelville again.
>Marvelville
Mike: We've already riffed on this picture. Next please.
Angel: Let's try to spare readers any repeated riffs from the previous series.
>Marvelville previously…
Big John: Ah, who cares about that? You always throw away continuity anyway…
>This all started in the future
– 5002 A.D.
Tom: Terror from the –
Angel (interrupts, raises a finger): Ah!
>The Earth is getting pounded by
asteroids
Crow (singing to Devo's "Mongoloid"): Asteroids/ We're playing asteroids…
>and Ted and Jane send their son
Al back in time to save him.
Mike: And in doing so, they ruined the rest of life as we know it!
>Given that his origin is very
similar to Superman's (and Spider-Man and Batman for that matter),
Angel: Well, at least he's being honest about having no creativity.
>Though his powers are yet to be
charted (or even discerned),
Big John: He's managed to turn more readers off to Marvel than ever before!
>Al manages to capture a bad guy
and earns a $200 million reward.
Tom: I still want to know who'd be dumb enough to offer $100 million to catch a petty thief like that.
Crow: I wouldn't get my hopes up for an explanation.
>He also falls in love with
Mickey, but it's a one-way street.
All: Can't say I blame her!
>Then Al meets Lucy, a beautiful
police woman. With help from Lucy, Mickey, Spider-Man and the Punisher, he
captures the Kingpin of crime.
Mike: In that case, we should send this guy to capture Saddam. He'd have Saddam behind bars in no time flat!
>Al doesn't have much to do
except relax and enjoy his mansion on the beach with his friend Mickey. You'd
think he'd be happy, but….
Big John (sings): You make me come/ You make me complete/ You make me completely miserable…
Angel: That pretty much describes any relationship.
Crow: What's with the superimposed script? Was someone late on his or her deadlines?
>Al: I'm depressed.
Tom: Well, if I were trapped in a Marvel comic, I'd be –
Angel (interrupts, raises a finger): Ah! No repeating riffs from previous Marvelvilles!
Tom: Well, it's hard coming up with new lines for the same old mistakes.
>Mickey: I'm starved.
Crow (as Mickey): You spent all your money to get this home! Couldn't you have at least saved a little so we could live off of it?
>Just then the doorbell rings
and Al goes to answer.
Mike (as the landshark): Telegram.
Angel: No way! You're that landshark guy!
Mike (as the landshark): Candygram.
Angel: Oh well, that's different. I - AH!
>Al: Got it.
>Al opens up the door to find
Lucy wearing a big smile and hauling a big bag of cash.
Tom (as Lucy): You were right! They pay a lot more for posing nude than I ever got at that crummy police job!
>Al: What's up?
>Lucy: Your credit rating.
Crow: Banks everywhere will now proudly lend you a whopping five dollars!
>I got your reward money for
capturing the Kingpin.
Big John (ghetto accent): Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money!
>Al: Toss it over there.
>Al points to a corner; Lucy
casually strolls over and casually piles this $100 million bag on top of two
others.
Mike (sings): The rich are getting richer/ The poor get the picture…
>She turns and spots Mickey.
Angel: Uh-oh. I sense a bad catfight scene on the horizon!
>Lucy: Hey Mickey!
Tom (Sings): Oh Mickey you're so fine/ You're so fine you blow my mind/ Hey Mickey!
>What are you guys up to?
Crow (as Mickey): Oh, the usual… making bad plotlines that move slower than a snail, turning readers off to Marvel altogether…
>Mickey: Al's depressed, I'm
starved.
Mike: Well, we're bored. GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!
>Al stares blankly out the
window at the ocean. Lucy heads over to cheer him up.
Angel (as Lucy): I got a wonderful game we can play. It's called spend your money on a new wardrobe and makeover for me!
>Lucy: How's about a barbeque?
All: Just as long as Al's the one getting roasted!
>Al: I don't eat meat… I mean,
it's okay if you want to.
Big John: You know, you humans are a lot more humane to animals when you kill them than plants. I mean, think about it. Here is this nice plant, spewing off oxygen and other byproducts of photosynthesis, and then suddenly some massive machine comes in and mows it down without even dulling the pain of getting cut.
Angel: That is the most preposterous thing I've ever heard, Big John.
Big John: Just because plants can't vocalize their pain doesn't mean they don't feel it.
>Lucy: Vegan, huh, are you a
health nut?
Tom: No, he's just a plain nut.
>Al: I feel bad for the animals.
Mike: What about people who had to fork out $2.25 for this? Do you feel badly for them too?
>Lucy: You're just a nut.
Angel: You said it! Leave him while you can, girlfriend!
>Al: Cows are living things, and
I feel bad about killing them.
Crow (a la Dr. Strangelove): Animals are to be bred unt schlautered!
>Lucy: Here's a fun fact.
Big John: They're finally getting to the silly part?
Tom: Don't get your hopes up.
>Vegetables are living things
too.
Mike (as KalAOL): Oh no! That means I can't eat them either! I'll just have to starve!
>Al: I do feel bad when I eat
plants, just not as bad. No matter what I do, I can't help feeling like a bad
person.
Tom: Well KalAOL, that's because you are evil, or at least you were created for evil purposes.
>Lucy: Honey, you're not bad;
Angel (Jessica Rabbit voice): You're just drawn that way.
>you're cracked.
Crow: Let's take him to a psychiatrist. I know one named Dr. Karla Sofen…
Big John: You want him to see Moonstone?
Crow: Well, they've got the hot brunette and the hot redhead, so why not a hot blonde too?
>Al turns away from the Lucy and
heads toward his three big bags of cash.
Mike (as KalAOL): Oh money, don't you understand me?
All but Mike (as the money): No. Go away.
>Mickey approaches him.
>Mickey: Cheer up, you wanted to
be a super hero and you ended up capturing the head of all organized crime in
New York.
Tom (as KalAOL): But now I don't know what to do with myself!
>Al: Read the paper, Mick. Crime
hasn't stopped – it was all a waste of time,
Crow (sings): You're wasting my time/ Wasting my time…
>just like the rest of my life.
Mike: That should tell you something about the life you lead.
Angel: Man, all of this and we've only finished page one.
Big John: So this is why all those asteroids were coming down in 5002. Aliens were attacking to keep from being bored to death!
>Al resolutely lifts up a money
bag in each hand. He then holds them out to Mickey and Lucy.
Tom (as KalAOL): I'm gonna start a new exercise regimen – starting with lifting these two bags of cash! Uh – (strains) Can't… get… them… over… my… head…
>Al: Listen girls, I want to
give you one each.
Crow (sings): Go on, take the money and run…
>Mickey: Why?
Mike: Why ask why? Try Bud Dry®!
Angel: Girlfriend, don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Run while you can!
>Al: Because I don't need all
this. And because you helped me earn it. And because I'm worrying you hang with
me…
Big John (as KalAOL): And I can't stop starting my sentences with a conjunction!
>… just because I'm rich.
All: Leave him! Leave him!
>Lucy: Cool.
Tom (as Lucy): A way out of this series! I'm taking now while the getting's good.
>Mickey: Your dough. No strings.
Sweet.
Crow (a la "A Case of Spring Fever"): Nooooo strings! Hehehehehehe! (bweep boop!)
>Lucy: See ya.
All: Wouldn't want to be ya!
>Mickey and Lucy each grab a bag
and leave.
Mike: All right! She's not as dumb as she pretended to be!
>The door slams and Al stands
alone
Big John (sings): I'm all alone/ I'm all alone/ Behold the mystery that is me…
>Mickey and Lucy enter laughing.
Angel (as Mickey and Lucy): We got your money and didn't have to sleep with you! Nyah nyah!
>Mickey: Hey buddy, take a joke.
Tom: Well, when you give us one that's actually funny, we might take it!
>Relieved to have his friends
back,
Crow: KalAOL thinks up of new ways to kill time and drag the plot down even further!
>Al finally smiles. Then, with a
flourish, he whips the sheet off of a very high tech gizmo…
Big John: A Kirby machine gone amok!
>Lucy: Is that your dad's time
machine?
Mike: Who cares?
>Al: You bet.
>Lucy: And?
Angel (as KalAOL): I'm going back in time to stop myself from letting you pull that joke on me!
>Al: I'm going back to creation
to find God and ask what gives.
Tom: He doesn't want to talk to you now, what makes you think he's going to talk to you then?
>Fish's thoughts: If there's no
God…
Crow: Look, before we move into the deep philosophical stuff, could we get things like grammar and continuity right first?
>Mickey: There is no such thing
as time travel…
Mike: Well, scientists have agreed that when a person travels at the speed of light, the G forces would crush them like a grape….
>… and there is no such thing as
God.
Angel: Better not tell that to the preachers!
>Lucy: If there's no God, then
who created us?
All: Bill Jemas and Paul Neary.
>Al enters the time machine,
with Lucy at his heels. Mickey hangs back a bit.
Big John (as Lucy): Fine. You go back in time to before the earth formed and suffocate. It'll mean that I have all this money without any of you around.
>Lucy (enthusiastically): I'm
dying to try that thing…
Tom (as Lucy): And I'd especially like to try it without you!
>Lucy (over her shoulder):
Mickey, how about you?
Crow (as Mickey): Ah, no, I'll stay here where it's safe and I won't have to worry about suffocating to death.
>Mickey: He's going to vaporize
us?
Mike: Well, he somehow made Lucy's neckline change.
>Sandwiched between the girls,
things are looking up for Al.
Mike: Don't try this line, Big John.
Big John: Ah, you're no fun anymore.
>Al: This will be a grand
adventure.
Angel: You know, they said the same thing about the Titanic.
>Mickey: This will be a tight
squeeze.
>Lucy (nuzzled to Al's ear) Bet
you feel better already.
Big John (as KalAOL): Well, I got this warm feeling in my pants and –
(Not amused, Mike and Angel strike Big John at the same time.)
Big John: OW!
>Fish's thoughts: … then who
changes the water?
Tom: That would be GE, Union Carbide, Monsanto, and other polluters out there.
>Lucy: Oh, my God, it's you.
Crow (as God): I'm here only to fix a massive foul-up. KalAOL should have been killed when he first came to the year 2002. You're still supposed to be a cop.
>God: Welcome to heaven,
Lucinda.
Mike (as God): I'm afraid your boy toy's desire to ask me questions got both of you killed. See, when he went back to the beginning of time, there was only a singularity in a vacuum, and so both of you blew up and caused the big bang.
Angel: Well, that would explain a lot…
>Al: Oh, Super! It's you!
Big John: A Mary Sue of a Mary Sue? Now I've seen everything.
>Lucy: Wake up, al, this is
Heaven, and God doesn't look anything like Superman.
Angel: I always pictured God as a Buddhist master myself. However, he can't wake up because he's DEAD!
>Al: That dude is a dead ringer
for the Man of Steel.
Tom: So does this mean we all have to worship Superman? We'll have cults of Superman who go around dressed like him, trying to leap tall buildings in a single bound, taking bullets in the chest, and the like.
>Lucy: God looks exactly like
does in the Bible.
Crow: This reminds me of that Zen story:
Once there was a man who was shot by an arrow. The arrow could be removed, but the man refused to have it removed until the following questions were answered: Who shot the arrow? Why did they shoot the arrow? What argument did they have against the man? Point is: It's irrelevant.
Big John: One looks at God with the soul, not the eyes.
Angel: Since when were you a philosopher?
Big John: Come on, I've been programmed with a wide-variety of things that a woman would like. I never got to use my Zen subroutine much with Pearl.
>Al: The Bible doesn't have any
pictures.
Mike (as KalAOL): I don't read books without any pictures in it.
>Lucy: Look, I know a flowing
white beard and a wise Caucasian brow when I see one.
Angel: I think you need an eye exam, girlfriend. Also, while you're at it, have your head examined for staying around such a loser!
>Al: Let's just ask him.
Crow: Okay… so God, why do you give all the money to those who least deserve it?
>They both look up and are
startled to see a handsome young man in a sharp business suit.
Mike: And then they see the guy pictured.
>Lucy: Oh, God, what happened?
Angel: You're better off not knowing.
>Young Man: You both saw me in
the way you wanted me to be, but I thought it would be easier to talk if I
looked like this.
Big John (a la Monty Python): Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand it's groveling. It's like those miserable psalms, they're so depressing, now knock it off!
>Lucy: But you are God.
Tom (as the young man): Actually, I'm not God, I'm filling in for him while he deals with things like famine, pestilence, disease, and the like.
>Young Man: That's what you say,
and that's okay with me.
Crow: Could you be a little more –
Angel (interrupts, raises a finger): Ah! No repeats!
>Al: Please, we came for
answers, and I'm more confused than ever.
Mike: I'll start at the beginning. You're lame. Everyone hates you. We want you to go away, now.
>Young man: Okay, here's
Revelation #1: God is omniscient and omnipresent, and the two are tied
together. God knows everything on Earth, because he's everywhere on Earth.
Big John: Funny, I always thought Revelation #1 started thus: "The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John. *" I'm glad they corrected me on that.
Angel: Since when did you know the Bible? You are the absolute last robot I would suspect of having the Bible in his/her files.
Big John: Well, I was programmed to be everything a woman wants. Some women like doing the religious thing.
Mike: Say, if God is everywhere, does that mean he's in the toilet too?
>Al: But we found you all the way
up here in outer space.
>Lucy: Heaven.
Crow: Pay attention to the man! He just told you he was everywhere and knew everything!
>Young Man: You are looking for
God in all the wrong places.
Tom (sings): Looking for God in all the wrong places/ Searching for God in all the wrong faces…
>From your perspective, the only
way to see the whole Earth is from far above. But that's not how God sees
Earth.
Mike: Well, your field of vision is a bit wider than ours.
>Lucy: I don't get it. I
believe, but I just don't understand.
Big John (raps): Parents just don't understand.
>Al: Um, sir… I'm not sure what
to call you.
>Young Man: Jack.
Angel: Proof positive that Bill Jemas doesn't know Jack!
>Al: Okay, uh, Jack. Have you
seen our girlfriend Mickey?
Tom: Dude, you've been skunked.
>And, um, if we are not up in
Heaven, where are we?
Crow: Well, there's only one other place you can go!
>Mickey: We are in deep $&!#
Mike: With Jemas writing, that's pretty much a given.
>Al (coughing): How did we get
here?
Big John (sings): And you may ask yourself/ Well, how did I get here?
>Mickey: The time machine dumped
us in the drink, and you two have been flopping around and babbling, like a
couple of boobies.
Angel: Well, you got the boobies part right.
Crow (old man voice): Ah, kids today. They don't even know when they're drowning!
Tom: Let's see here… most scientists agree that when the earth was first formed several billion years ago, there were NO oceans on it! This proves that errors come from the top!
>Lucy: Buoys.
Mike: She was right the first time.
>Mickey: Buoys float. You sunk.
Big John (holds up the letter t): Hey, this fell out of stunk, although you're still stinking.
>Mickey turns to Jack. He is
high and dry.
Angel: He thought it wasn't worth his time to rescue these two idiots.
>Mickey: And that dolt wouldn't
help me pull you out.
Crow (as Jack): You dare call me a dolt!? I shall smite thee with a lightning bolt anon!
>Al: Jack, you were going to let
us drown?
Tom (as Jack): Best thing for you.
>Mickey: Tell me you know that
guy?
All: Unfortunately.
>Al: He's God. I mean, he's our
friend. His name is Jack.
>Mickey: Jack is the perfect
name because that's what he does when you need him.
Mike: You know, you really aren't winning the big guy's respect here…
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Mike, Angel and the bots exit. Commercials. Here's a nice parody of one...)
(Scene: The living room of a sorority. Two buxom blonde sorority sisters are sitting on a love seat. They are attired in sorority t-shirts and matching skirts. Sitting on a chair next to them is the Sprint PCS guy, clad in his usual suit and black trench coat.)
Biffi (one of the sisters): So, like, I call Mysti here on her cell phone and tell her to get chicken pie to go, and she gets…
(Pull back slightly to see Torgo and the Phantom of Krankor sitting on a couch. They are attired as we have come to know them. Torgo is staring intently at Mysti.)
PCS Guy: Chicken guy and Torgo.
Mysti: Look Biffi, I'm totally sorry, o.k.?
Phantom: Whom are you calling a chicken? I am the Phantom of Krankor, ruler of the spiral galaxy! I will conquer your pathetic planet in no time at all! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Torgo: ThE MaStEr WaNtS yOu, BuT hE cAn'T hAvE yOu. I wAnT yOu.
PCS Guy: It's the cellular static.
(PCS guy hands Mysti a Sprint PCS phone. Torgo starts reaching out to touch Mysti's hair.)
PCS guy: Here, try Sprint PCS. They built the only nationwide digital system from the ground up.
Mysti: So, like, no more misunderstandings?
PCS guy: We guarantee it.
(Torgo starts to touch Mysti's hair, but Mysti slaps Torgo's hand.)
Mysti: Get your filthy hands off my hair you pervert!
(Torgo slowly withdraws his hand.)
Biffi: So what do we do about them? They're like totally gross!
PCS guy: I'm afraid you're on your own on that one.
(Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are standing there.)
Tom: So let me get this straight. God is some African-American man in a suit and tie who lets people drown?
Big John: Well, they completely mischaracterized Iron Man, Spider-Man, Daredevil and the Kingpin last issue. So it's only natural that the mischaracterizations continue.
Crow: Well, if that's not the way God works, then how does God work?
Mike: Crow buddy, all the great philosophers of all time have tried to answer that question. Nobody's come up with an adequate answer.
Angel: Well, we've got quite a number of ways to look at God here. I mean, one way, you see the Buddhist side; another is the Christian side; still a different one is the Islamic side.
Big John: You know, there's a story about this. Once there was a tailor and a fundamentalist preacher. The preacher stated that the tailor was a sinner and should repent now before God. The tailor asked the preacher what size his clothing was. Confused, the preacher answered the question. The tailor then said he would bow to the preacher's God if the preacher would wear a suit size that was too small for him. The preacher was angry and didn't understand. The tailor enlightened him. "God is flexible enough to allow is to worship in the way we most desire. It is not important how we reach the goal of the spirit, it is merely important to reach that goal."
Mike: You know, you are the last bot that I would expect to know something like that.
Big John: Most spiritualists agree that the pathway to the spirit is not a line, but a cube.
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>Jack: Sorry about that. I
really couldn't help.
Crow: Get ready for a really pathetic excuse.
>Lucy: You mean, like the prime
directive on Star Trek –- no interference is allowed.
Big John: She's a trekkie? That sounds highly improbable.
>Jack: Not exactly. I wanted to
help, but I don't have the physical ability.
Angel: Oh, so like Tom here, your arms don't work.
>Lucy: But you are omnipotent.
Tom: If he's so smart, why is he in that comic book?
Mike: Don't worry, they won't explain it at all.
>Jack: Okay, here's revelation
#2: God can work miracles, but not on demand.
Crow: He has to get Smokey Robinson to help out.
Big John: Funny, I thought Revelation 2 went like this: "Unto the angel of the church Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;"** I'm glad that they corrected me on that one.
>He can't do a damn thing
without help.
Angel: So who helped God make the universe?
>Mickey: Listen, pal, here only
two choices when it comes to helping. You can't or you won't.
Big John: But what about actually helping out?
Mike: That's not your option! Go sit in your ignorant paradigm!
>Jack: It's not that simple.
Crow: Of course. When the Marvel universe is involved, it has to be hideously complicated.
>Mickey: Hit the road, will ya,
Jack.
Tom (sings): Oh woman/ Oh woman/ Don't you treat me so mean/ You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen. I guess if you say so/ I'll have to pack my things and go…
>Either you can't help, because
you don't exist – you are just a figment of imagination.
Angel: So you're talking to a figment of your imagination? Sounds like insanity to me.
>Lucy: Jack is real.
All: Really mischaracterized!
>Mickey: And that makes you god
damn cruel, because you sat there on a beach while two people were drowning and
gasping for air.
Big John (as Jack): I didn't want to get my suit wet! This is Armani, for pete's sake!
Tom (confused): So does this mean that God has to damn himself?
>Lucy: Shut your foul mouth.
All: You shut up!
>Mickey: I just saved your
stupid @$$ from drowning.
Mike: A lot of good it did them.
>Lucy: Jack is the Lord and this
is the time of creation. I bet that right now he can wave his hand over the
Earth and create all of the world's plants and animals.
Crow (as Jack): Frankly, after seeing you three, I'm exceptionally hesitant to do so.
>Mickey: We already have one fat
pious, self-righteous cow.
(Bots make screeching and hissing noises.)
Angel: What kind of message does it send to God when you have him right in front of you, and all you can do is argue with someone else?
>Al: You have to stop!
All: PLEASE!!
>You are freaking me out!!!
Tom: Good thing this guy isn't the President.
>Jack: Easy, my friends, the purpose
of your journey is to gain understanding, and this argument about me as God is
not helping you do that.
Mike: Sure is dragging the plotline down though.
Big John: And killing a few extra pages.
>I'm not what you think. I'm
just your friend Jack.
Crow: But I do look good in this suit, don't I?
>Mickey: Here's Revelation #2.1:
Big John: I already said that!
>Friends don't let friends
drown.
Angel: They also don't let them drive drunk, hit on an ugly member of their sexual preference while drunk, do incredibly stupid things, or force them to read awful comic books like this!
>Jack: Mickey, you may hate me,
Tom (a la the commercial): Don't hate me because I'm beautiful… hate me because I'm mischaracterized!
>but you did risk your life to save
your friends, and I admire you for that.
Mike (as Jack): Although why you saved the loser is beyond me…
>Mickey: I don't hate you. I'm
just wet and cold and pissed.
Angel (sings): Oh I'm just a girl/ Oh little ol' me…
>Lucy: Sorry, Mickey, I started
it.
>Mickey: You got a thing for
him.
All: UGH!
>Lucy: No way.
Tom (as Lucy): All right, I'll admit he doesn't have loser written all over him like KalAOL does – then again, there aren't many men who aren't better!
>Jack: This is just an adventure
– take it easy
Crow (sings): Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy…
>and I can show you the coolest
things you've ever seen.
Big John (sinisterly): I'd like to start by showing you my piece of candy…
Mike and Angel (simultaneously): Big John!
>Come on in for a swim.
Tom (sings): Put your feet in the water/ Put your head in the water/ Put your soul in the water/ Join me for a swim tonight…
>The water is warm
Crow (as Jack): Because I just peed in it!
Mike: Crow that was disgusting.
>and this is the most amazing
lake you have ever seen.
Angel: Take a good look at it; when you get back to your own time, all the lakes you'll see will be polluted.
>Lucy: I'm game.
Big John: Hey babe, I'm ready 24-7!
Mike: Big John! That's not what she's talking about!
>Mickey: We can lay out our
clothes on the rocks to dry.
Tom (as Mickey): So God, could you whip us up some swimsuits and give us a lame excuse to go parading around in skimpy swimwear again?
>Lucy: We could skinny dip.
Angel: you want to expose yourself in front of Captain Loser and the black guy here? Why??
Crow: Let me get this straight. You could be asking God fundamental questions of life. However, you've for some incomprehensible reason decided to go skinny-dipping with God.
>Mickey: No way.
Tom (as Mickey): We have to keep our Marvel PG rating here.
>Lucy: We could dry out our
underwear. I don't want wet panties throughout eternity.
Big John: Just hang around KalAOL there – that should keep you high and dry in that sense.
(Not amused, Mike strikes Big John.)
Big John: OW!
>Al: That would be
uncomfortable.
Crow (as KalAOL): Come on, everybody said I would never see a girl naked! Don't stop her now!
>Mickey: I refuse to lose my
Wonderbra in front of Wonderboy.
Mike: Good, good, you're at step one of actually leaving this idiot!
>Jack: Come on in,
Tom (sinisterly): to my parlor said the spider to the fly…
>Jack: The water's fine.
Angel: It's about the only thing that is.
>Mickey: Oh, my God.
Big John (as Jack): Yes?
>Lucy: Like an African fertility
god.
Crow: Well, it certainly is a nice cheap sales-boosting moment for the ladies.
>And the sky and water are the
most amazing blue.
Mike (sings): Oh what can I do/ Tangled up in blue…
>Al: It's all so quite and
still, but…
Tom (as KalAOL): I'm in paradise with two hot babes and I just can't enjoy it! What's wrong with me?
Angel: Quiet would be appreciated from you.
>Jack: Yet you feel something,
don't you?
Big John: Something stirring in your loins, an intense desire for –
Mike and Angel (Simultaneously): Big John!
>Lucy: What should we be
feeling?
Crow: Well, I for one feel disgust and apathy.
Mike: I feel incredibly bored. GET ON WITH THE STORY ALREADY!
Angel: This story is like 22 pages of padding.
>Jack: Relax and float and feel
free.
Tom: Hey, Mickey and Lucy must be the daughters of those women in The Horrors of Spider Island.
Big John: Nah, they're just anatomically incorrect to keep the rating PG.
Crow: This should be rated S for Stupid!
>Mickey: It's rhythmic.
Angel (sings): Rhythm is a dancer/ It's a source of trancin'…
>Lucy: You mean the waves?
>Mickey: The waves, the wind,
the warmth, the air; it's all harmony.
Mike: Well, there's no harmony in the writing, that's for sure.
>Al: It's like a pulse.
Crow: And it's flatlineing big time!
>Jack: A pulse. Exactly.
>Mickey: Where are we going?
Tom: Straight into the 50 –
Angel (interrupts, raises a finger): AH!
>Jack: Back to the shallows.
>Lucy: What's there?
Big John: Who cares?
>Jack: The wind and waves have
been moving the perfect combination of minerals and gasses. I'm taking you to
where they have been heading for 100 million years.
Mike (as Jack): However, your coming here wrecked everything!
>Mickey swimming with Jack—they
look smaller compared to the rocks, but air bubbles in the water look huge.
Lucy looks scared.
Crow: Honey, I shrunk the cast.
Tom: Well, no matter what size you make him, KalAOL's still a loser.
>Mickey: Are we shrinking?
Angel: The sales certainly are.
>Lucy: Jack, are we shrinking?
Tom (as Lucy): I paid four large for all my silicone, and now my chest is going to be small again!
>Bubbles?
>Jack: Pretty close – simple
membrane – the trick is that this particular solution of minerals forms a
semi-permeable membrane.
Big John: Uh-oh. Science lesson dead ahead!
>Lucy: I remember from Earth
Science, some things penetrate, others can't.
Mike (As Butt-head): huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, you said "penetrate."
>Jack: You got it, sweetie.
Crow (as Jack): Now bend over so you can really get it!
(Not amused, Mike and Angel strike Crow.)
Crow: OW!
Big John: They don't let me get away with it, so you can't either.
>Jack: Now take a closer look.
Angel: This is as close as I want to get.
>This particular membrane lets
Carbon Dioxide (co2) molecules pass right through.
Tom: Hmm… seems Jemas doesn't know superscript from subscript.
>Jack: The carbon is that big,
dark blue atom, and the two oxygen's are the two small ones. That pulse of wind
we felt back on the surface
Mike: Was me passing gas.
>has been sending a rich and
steady supply of carbon dioxide to this spot.
Crow: Just dump AOLstro there. He'll provide plenty of gas.
Big John: Say, where is that mangy mutt anyway?
Angel: Wisely staying out this issue.
>Mickey: are these the very
first cells?
>Jack: Right -- want a peek
inside?
Mike: Don't even think about it, Big John.
Big John: You're no fun.
>Jack: The thin chain of green
molecules surrounding the CO2 is an early form of chlorophyll.
Crow: Apparently, Jack doesn't know down from up.
>Now, some energy from and
everyday ray of sunshine.
Tom (sings): Sometimes/ You wake up in the morning with a baseline/ A ray of sunshine…
>And the chlorophyll pulls apart
the CO2 into Carbon and oxygen.
Angel: Is there going to be a quiz on this at the end?
Mike: Meanwhile, all of this is sailing miles over KalAOL's head.
>Mickey: Photosynthesis. Carbon
dioxide breaks down into Carbon and Oxygen. That releases tiny bit of energy.
Big John (holds up the letter a): Hey, you –
Angel (interrupts, holds up a finger): Ah! No ripping off other writers either!
Crow: That doesn't leave us with many options.
>The oxygen gets pushed out of
the cell, the Carbon molecules stay inside and the cell starts to grow.
Tom: Funny, I always thought carbon was an atom and not a molecule… I'm so glad they corrected me on that one.
Mike: Well, some elements do that. Hydrogen, Fluorine, Oxygen and Chlorine but to name a few.
>Al: The movement is rhythmic,
see swish, swish, swish -- it's alive!
Big John (a la Frankenstein): It's alive! Alive!
>Mickey: Spontaneous generation!
>Jack: Gold star, Mick!
Angel (as Jack): You're a lot smarter than this bozo here!
>That's Revelation #3: The first
cells came to life by spontaneous generation.
Crow: And they died by spontaneous combustion!
Big John: I always thought Revelation 3 went like this: "And unto the angel of the church in Sardis write; These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars; I know thy works, that thou hast name that thou livest, and art dead. "***
>Lucy: Are you saying the first
spark of life did not come from God?
Tom (as Jack): Heck no! If I had a hand in creating life, I would have made sure KalAOL never came into being.
>Mickey: Life is just a chemical
reaction. These are the first simple plants and they are all busy converting Carbon
Dioxide into Carbon and Oxygen.
Mike (as a plant): Yea, now get lost, you're annoying us!
>Lucy: Jack does this mean that
life just happened -- you didn't create us?
Angel: Does it really matter?
>Mickey: Ease up, Luc, Jack
never said he was God --
Crow: But he plays God on T.V.
>but he is really smart.
>Lucy: I know and cute and
naked.
Big John: Don't forget you're just as naked too. Man, KalAOL and Jack have two hot, naked babes in front of them, and what do they do? Watch plants do photosynthesis. WHAT A WASTE!!
>Al: What are the odds?
Tom: Well, the odds of anyone actually enjoying this without our commentary are about zero.
>Mickey: Odds?
Mike: As opposed to the evens.
>Al: These are absolutely
perfect conditions. There are billions of different molecular structures on
earth, and that molecular membrane was as precisely formed as a silicon chip.
Angel: Give or take 2 billion years.
>Al: Like it was coded.
Crow: I think a virus was introduced somewhere….
>Mickey: But it wasn't coded,
thousands of square miles of the Earth's surface are covered by water. Over
millions of years , the right set of chemicals and conditions were bound to
come together somewhere.
>Al: All of this is too exact to
be random, somebody cooked up the perfect primordial soup.
Tom (sings): The white folks think they're at the top/ Ask any proud white male / 2 billion years of evolution/ We get KalAOL.
>Mickey: Billions of galleons of
water, hundreds of millions of years. I like those odds.
Big John: She must also be a lottery junkie.
>Lucy: Jack, did you pick up all
this stuff and carry it here?
Mike (as Jack): Yea, and I've got the nastiest hernia to show for it…
>Jack: Me, I can't pick up
anything.
Angel: Well, you certainly aren't picking up readership, that's for sure.
>Jack: If I could carry things,
I would have helped Mickey haul you and Al out of the water.
Crow: Oh, so like Tom here, your arms are strictly ornamental.
>Jack: If you are up for another
ride in the time machine, there is a whole lot more to see.
Mike: You know, I'll bet having KalAOL come back in time to this point in history is what caused the formation of George W. Bush.
>Mickey: No way do we stop now.
All: No no! Stop now!!
>Al: I'll drive – how far ahead?
Tom: Isn't it against the law to drive while under the influence of idiocy?
Big John: Well, if it was, we'd have a lot less road rage going on.
>Jack: 30 million years.
>Mickey: Wow!
>Lucy: Is this the same place?
Angel: Who cares?
>Jack: Same place, those single
cell organisms have evolved into this…
Crow: And in another billion years, they'll be a rain forest that gets mowed down.
>Mickey: It's strange, but it's beautiful.
Big John: Well, you're not too bad yourself, babe.
All but Big John: Big John!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Mike, Angel and the bots exit the theater. Commercials. Here comes one now.)
(Scene: the living room in Manos: The Hands of Fate. Torgo holds up a cheap trash bag that breaks apart, spilling its contents on the floor. Enter the Glad trashbag woman.)
Woman: Torgo is very angry now.
Torgo: ThE mAsTeR wIlL nOt Be PlEaSed.
Woman: He used one of those bargain trash bags.
(Torgo looks up to see the woman there, and stares intently at her.)
Woman: Torgo, you should have used Glad trash bags, They're super tough!
Torgo: ThEy ReAlLy WoRk?
Woman: They're the best!
Torgo: ThE MaStEr WiLl Be PlEaSed.
Woman: You bet.
Torgo: He LiKeS YoU. He WaNtS YoU, bUt He CaN't HaVe YoU.
(Torgo starts to reach for the woman's hair, but she slaps the box of trash bags in his hand.)
Woman: I'm just here to sell the trash bags.
Torgo: I wAnT yOu, YoU wIlL bE mInE. yEs, YeS, yOu WiLl Be MiNe.
(Torgo leers at the woman, who is repulsed by this.)
Woman: I'm out of here.
Torgo: It WiLl Be DaRk SoOn. ThErE iS nO eScApE.
Woman: I think I can manage.
(Woman rushes away from Torgo. Deep INIT bridge. The bots are standing around the place.)
Crow: So how long do you think they've been in there?
Tom: I'd say about two minutes now.
(Mads light comes on.)
Big John: I can't say I blame them for going in there, though.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl and the Observer are standing with a second basket with two bottles in it.)
Pearl: Well now, we've found a little bug that made the pheromones not work, and now we've perfected things and... Hey, where are Nelscum and the bimbo?
(Deep INIT.)
Big John: Well, see, they had a sudden attack of nausea. My guess is that defective pheromone is making them toss their cookies now.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Okay... (to Observer) Remind me to whack Bobo on the head when I see him again.
(Deep INIT. Mike and Angel enter.)
Crow: Are you feeling better, Mike?
Mike: Eugh... I haven't felt this bad since I was forced to eat some of Pearl's home cooking.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: I heard that!! This is science! Brain Guy, send up the perfected pheromones!
(Observer concentrates, and then the basket in Pearl's hand vanishes. Deep INIT. The basket appears in front of Mike and Angel.)
Pearl: All right, you two take a whiff of it. Nelscum, you whiff the blue bottle, and have the bimbo whiff the pink one.
(Deep INIT. Mike takes the bottle into his hands, and then opens it. Angel does the same with her bottle. The two of them smell the bottles.)
Mike: All right, let's see here...
(Castle Forrester. Pearl is smiling sinisterly.)
Pearl: Well... you should be feeling something for me... about now.
(Deep INIT. Angel and Mike take each other's hands.)
Mike: You're looking very beautiful right now, Angel.
Angel: Aw... you know, we shouldn't fight about the silly things...
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Hey Nelscum! Look at me!
(Deep INIT. Mike and Angel are now holding each other close.)
Angel: You say the sweetest things, Mike...
Big John: Looks like they're too busy with each other to notice your ugly mug.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Shut up! Art, pull them apart!
(Deep INIT. Crow taps Mike on the shoulder with his beak.)
Tom: Mike, we've got Pearl on the line here...
(Castle Forrester. Pearl stamps her foot on the ground and bunches her fists.)
Pearl: Dang it! That should have worked! (turns) Well, we still have that other experiment to finish –back in the theater, all of you!
(Deep INIT. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Big John: Ah! We've got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>Al: Except for this.
Crow: What, the plot?
>Lucy: What's that?
>Mickey: The plants are dying.
>Lucy: Why?
Tom: They saw KalAOL and decided suicide was better than dealing with him.
>Mickey: They're suffocating.
Big John: Their girlfriends just won't let them have a night out with the boys.
>Lucy (inhaling deeply)
Crow: And then coughing her lungs out after catching a whiff of KalAOL....
>But the air is fine;
Tom (as Lucy): So let's go and pollute it!
>in fact it's much easier to
breathe than before.
>Mickey: You feel a bit
light-headed don't you.
Big John (as Lucy): But, I'm like a total airhead, okay?
Crow: Hey Mike, Angel, why aren't you commenting here?
(Bots see Mike and Angel kissing passionately.)
Tom (Irish policeman accent): All right, show's over, break it up.
Crow (as the policeman in Manos): Well, whatever you're not doing, go somewhere else and not do it.
(Mike and Angel part.)
Mike: Duty calls.
>Lucy: Yeah, but you know, more
energized than dizzy.
Angel: I think you turned ditzy into dizzy.
>Mickey: Because the air you are
breathing is packed with Oxygen.
Big John (sings): Die from lack of oxygen/ Than breathe the air of other men.
(All stare at Big John as if he's lost his mind.)
Big John: That's the Dead Milkmen... (pause) Never mind.
>Al: Plants have been breaking
down carbon dioxide into Oxygen for millions of years. Now they've all but used
up their supply.
Mike: I always thought that plant and animal life evolved at around the same time.
>They're suffocating, everything
is going to die.
Crow: Well, in your case Al, that's not a big loss.
>Lucy (hopeful): Jack, can you
help? Can you create more Carbon Dioxide?
Tom: We're talking about a guy who wouldn't save you from drowning. What makes you think he'll do something now?
>Jack (anguished)
Mike: At being mischaracterized like this,
>More CO2 is coming,
and I brought you here to show you how, but...
Angel: After seeing the results of what it becomes, I'm exceptionally hesitant to do it.
>Lucy whips off her shirt. Jack
is all smiles.
Big John: I can understand why. Man, why can't I find a woman who's like this?
Angel: Because they don't exist.
>Lucy: But nothing, let's take
another plunge.
Crow (as Lucy): Because the plot's dragging down and I hope we can boost sales by showing us implicitly naked again!
>Jack: When you put it that way.
Tom: So she ends up marrying God and having his kids?
Mike: Weirder things have happened.
>Jack: Remember those
single-cell CO2 eaters? They have evolved into real plants,
Angel: As opposed to those plastic ones you saw earlier.
>made up of millions of
organized, specialized cells.
>Lucy: I can't believe how many
different kinds of plants there are.
Big John: I can't believe Marvel thinks they can get away with passing this off as quality entertainment.
>Jack: Jack, each one is adapted
to its unique connections, you know, the depth of the water, the amount of
sunlight.
Crow: He's talking to himself?
Tom: Apparently, God doesn't know his own answers.
>The key to that is DNA – each
species has its own genetic code that gives each cell its specialized function.
>Lucy: Can we take a closer
look?
Angel: Sure! We've got more pages to kill.
>Jack: All of these plants live
by the same principles as their single-celled great great grandparents.
Crow (German accent): Der law of nature ist kill or be killed!
>On the outside, there is a
protective membrane of small, tightly woven cells. Most of them protect the
organism, like an early form of bark.
Mike: Life is sealed for your protection.
>But those black cells on the
wall are specialized CO2 intake valves, and they are sucking all the
CO2 they can find, but they can't find much.
Big John (as Butt-head): Huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, you said "sucking."
>Jack: On the inside, the green
chains are a highly developed form of chlorophyll.
>And those big blue structures
are complex carbon molecules (call them Carbohydrates.)
Tom: It's amazing that Jemas knows all this, but can't figure out how to run a comic book company! He should have been a biochemist.
>Even though these plants are
complex compared to their single-celled ancestors, they live by the same
principles – breaking down CO2 and retaining the carbon to grow.
Angel (as Angelica of the Rugrats): It's my carbon and you can't have it!
>And they are dying, because
there isn't enough CO2 to go around.
Crow: Well, we've got plenty lying around here, take some of ours.
>Mickey: Hey, those little
plants over there look really healthy and cute.
>Jack: They are babies.
Mike: They also have just as much hope as the typical worker does these recessionary days of finding a job.
>Al: You mean seedlings?
>Jack: There is no such thing as
a seed yet. Organisms still reproduce by splitting in two. These guys came from
the plants we were just looking at.
Big John: But that takes all the fun out of reproduction!
>Al: Then why do they look so
different?
Tom: They are the same. You just aren't looking.
>Jack: They look different because
their DNA is different.
>Mickey: You mean they mutated?
Crow: Let's not jump to conclusions here.
Mike (sings): I was jumping to conclusions/ When one of them jumped back.
>Jack: That’s what you call it,
and that's okay with me.
Angel (as Jack): Then again, so are death, famine, pestilence, disease, and war too…
>Jack: On the outside,
Big John (sings): This is where it all begins/ On the outside looking in/ at you/ just an alien through and through…
>the black, intake cells are
clustered together.
Tom: This makes it easier to take inventory on them.
>In this pattern, they don't
suck in any CO2, all they want is Oxygen and big Carbon molecules.
All: Carbon is an element, not a molecule!!
>Jack: Now check out the
insides.
Crow: And get all grossed out by seeing the insides of a plant.
>They still have some
Chlorophyll, tucked away in a corner,
Angel: Saving it for a rainy day. They hope that they don't have to sell it on e-Bay because their stocks are tanking right now.
>but its "vestigial,"
Big John: Performing optical diagnostic… nope, my sensors aren't lying. He actually got the punctuation right for once!
>meaning they inherited it from
their parents, but they don't have any use for it.
Mike: They're just slacking off like all children do.
>What really counts inside
Tom: Oh, come on. Everyone knows that humans are genetically programmed to judge a book by its cover.
>are the Oxygen and the
Carbohydrates.
Crow: But what about the vitamins and minerals essential for a healthy, balanced human diet?
>Lucy: You mean the big blue
Carbon molecules shaped like hot dogs?
Angel: Carbon is brown, not blue people.
>Jack: Right.
>Lucy: Did they make them?
Big John: Nah, everything's made in China these days.
>Jack: No, they ate them.
>Lucy: Cool, Jack, cool…
Tom: No, no, it's Cool Hand Luke…
>you mean black cell clusters
are the first mouths.
>Jack: The mouths aren't perfect
yet,
Crow: But put a little lipstick on them, and they'll be just fine.
Angel: Speaking of which, how are Mickey and Lucy able to dive underwater and have perfect makeup and hair after doing so?
Big John: Unwritten comic law #6: The makeup and hairstyle of comic book women never mess up.
>and they suck
All: Well, so do you!
>in a lot of stuff they don't
need, but they are particularly good at eating Carbon and Oxygen.
Mike: Why are the named of elements capitalized?
>Jack: Look what happens inside
the world's first stomach.
All: Thank you, but no, we just ate.
>The O2 molecules are
combining with the big carbon chains.
Tom (Sings): That's the sound of the men working on the Carbon chains…
>It's a chemical reaction that
creates it's own energy.
Mike: It also creates the wrong word usage as well, apparently.
>What you are seeing is a living
internal combustion engine –
Crow: Unfortunately, it's rated at about 1/1500th of a horsepower, making it impractical for commercial use.
>the same process that animals
will use for millions of years.
Big John: It didn't really get them far, though…
>The key for it right now is the
O2 is combining with Carbon and releasing CO2 back into the
atmosphere, for the plants to breathe.
Angel (sings): Keep breathing/ Breathing my lover keep/ Breathing…
>Lucy: we just witnessed a
miracle.
Tom: It would really be a miracle if they could give us something interesting for a change!
>Mickey: We witnessed a chemical
reaction.
Mike: But you're taking all the romance out of it all!
Angel: What romance, Mr.-I-can't-put-the-seat-down?
Mike: Come on, I spent a long time without having to share a bathroom with anyone. I need time to readjust.
>Lucy: Listen, God in all his
mercy and glory
Crow: Sadly couldn't save this comic book.
>created the first animals and
they generate the Carbon Dioxide the plants needed to live.
Big John: And look where it ended up – with KalAOL. No wonder God sent asteroids to destroy everything.
>Mickey: Hey, Lucy – you know those
big Carbon molecules inside the animals – where do you think they come from?
Tom: It came over on the crosstown express.
>Lucy: What?
>Mickey: They ate them, Lucy.
Those cute little critters are eating up their parents.
Crow (Sings): He shoots, he scores/ Wicked little critta!
>Lucy: Jack, is that true?
Mike: Don't hold your breath for an answer.
>Jack: It is and it's tragic,
but it really is for the best.
Angel: That's what they're saying about George W.'s planned invasion of Iraq.
>Lucy: Jack is horrible. I know
you are God. You said you were omnipotent.
Big John: However, apparently, he's not perfect.
>So please just stop this.
Tom (as Jack): Sorry, Lucinda. We've still got six pages to kill.
>You said you were omniscient,
so please figure out a way to make more Carbon Dioxide without killing
anything.
Crow: Look, if he does that, you're going to poof out of existence. Have you thought of that?
>Mickey: Al, what do you think?
Mike (as KalAOL): Think? You mean I was supposed to think?
>Al: I believe
Angel (sings): I believe in coyotes/ And time as an abstraction…
>That God is making microscopic
changes, that he is re-coding life to do everything he can do make things
better.
Big John: Proof positive God isn't perfect.
Tom: Jemas, repeat after me: The grammar checker is my friend. I will use the grammar checker when I have finished writing.
>Mickey: Not better for those
plants that just became snacks for their kids.
Mike (as Jack): Well, I don't hear any better ideas out of you!
>Al: There isn't any other
choice.
Crow (as Captain Picard): I need more options! Mr. Data, give me some more options!
>Without animals these plants
would just die out. God is creating a balance. That's all that Jack is trying
to show us.
Tom: Well, your presence is sorely disrupting the balance!
>Mickey: I haven't seen any
beneficent plan here, just a lot of nasty random events.
Big John: I guess you see your very existence as not being beneficial.
Tom: Well, she was created to be a girlfriend to KalAOL.
>Millions of cells are getting
their DNA screwed up every day. 999,999,999 of them die out, but one of them
ends up with a bigger intake valve and is lucky enough to do that when there is
a lot of fuel available for its gas tank.
Mike: Can't we just accept the fact that we'll never know how God's processes work?
>Al: What are the odds?
Angel: Well, the odds of this entertaining anyone are about one in four billion!
>After a million years of cells
specializing to expel Oxygen, some just show up to suck it in, and they also
happen to be good at sucking in carbon, and they also have a chamber to hold
the right amount and combination of the two to sustain a controlled chemical
reaction without blowing up.
Crow: I carefully calculated the odds of me doing something great and something stupid… and did it anyway.
>Micky Al, we're talking
millions of years.
Angel (to Big John): Hold up an e and a colon and I'll smack you one.
Big John: You're no fun anymore.
>Al: We are talking about no
change at all that this happened randomly.
Tom (sings): Talk talk talk talk/ All you do to me is talk talk…
>Lucy: Is this the only way?
>Jack: The only way.
Mike (sings): There's no other way/ There's no other way/ All that you can do is watch them play…
>Lucy: All this death?
Crow: Well, it would get mighty crowded very quickly if we didn't have death.
>Mickey: Don't forget patricide,
matricide and cannibalism.
Big John (as Jack): Well, there are always going to be a few bugs in every system…
>Jack: This is not about
death. It's about life.
Angel: And my suddenly changing hairstyle.
>Jack: Here is Revelation #4:
the new animals have no idea what they are eating, but they are eating and will
soon start to grow and evolve and they are happy.
Tom: They don't stay happy for every long, though…
>Jack: Here is Revelation #5:
the plants that survive now can breathe again
Mike (Sings): I can breathe again…
>and will continue to grow and
evolve and be happy.
Crow: Until mankind invents deforestation and pollution, of course.
>Jack: And by the time we are
finished with this journey,
Big John: Humans will have completely ruined the earth, thanks to George W.'s relaxing of environmental regulations.
>you will see the final
revelation -- every creature who has ever shed its mortal coil is, and always
will be, with God. And they are happy too.
Angel: Some are happier than others, of course.
Tom: I bet that was a big shock to the polytheistic cultures like Ancient Greece and China.
>Jack: If you are up for it,
there is a whole lot more to see a couple of million years ahead.
Mike: And perfect setup for Marvelville #4. Not!
>Mickey: No way do we stop now.
Crow: We're going to keep publishing Marvelville no matter how much the sales stink!
>Al: I'll drive. Where to?
Big John: Al, we've decided that you're in no shape for driving.
>Jack: Jurassic Park.
Tom (sings): Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark/ All the dinosaurs are running wild…
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots stand around.)
Tom: Whew! This has really been a test on us all. I mean, what possessed Bill Jemas to think he could write anyway?
Big John: Cheapness would be my guess.
Mike: Well, we've finally made it through this experiment.
(Suddenly a bright light shines from above.)
Voice (from above): Michael J. Nelson… Tom Servo… Crow T. Robot… Angel M. Thompson… Big Johnson 1250… and Gypsy…
(All look upward.)
Mike: God…?
Voice: I have come to you to tell you that I have been completely mischaracterized by Bill Jemas.
Tom: Wow! We're really talking to God!
Crow: So why do you give all the money to the people who least deserve it?
Voice: Good question. Answer: money really causes more misery than it solves. Those who are rich in spirit get the rewards of the beyond. Those that waste their time simply pursuing material wealth will not achieve the rewards of beyond.
Big John: Say, God, would it be too much to ask you to help us off this station?
Voice: Well, there's a reason I want you there. See, the five of you are the ones who are best to handle the pressures that Pearl Forrester puts on you with all the bad media she sends you.
Mike: But surely you could stop her from doing that in the first place?
Voice: Ah, well, she's not in my domain; she's under Satan's domain. I'm afraid I have no control over someone who's as evil as her. All I can say is that she'll be receiving the punishment for living a life of evil when she dies.
(Mads light comes on as the light vanishes.)
Tom: Wait! We have so many more questions for you!
Crow: He's gone…. I can't believe we talked to God.
(Castle Forrester. Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are there.)
Pearl: Well Mike, we haven't quite worked out all the bugs in our pheromones, but we'll keep trying… just like we'll keep trying to find the one, ultimate piece of bad media that will snap your puny mind in two! Remember: There are still three issues of Marvelville to come. Three! You're getting every single one of them!
* Revelations 1:1
** Revelations 2:1
*** Revelations 3:1