MST3K:
Marveiville #2
Original by Bill Jemas, MiST by Icehole and Quamp
Author's note: A very special thank you to Peter David for his permission for the information from him.
(Opening credits. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots are there. Nearby, there is a PC.)
Mike: Hello and welcome to Deep INIT station. Right now, Angel, the bots and I are having a virtual garage sale. We've stuck a lot of our stuff that we don't need anymore on eBay. Right now, we're going to take a look at what the bids are on some of them.
Crow: Oh! Check my pizza box collection!
Mike: All right, Angel, what's the status of Crow's pizza box collection?
(Angel clicks the mouse a few times.)
Angel: Here it comes… ah, nobody's bid on your pizza box collection.
Crow (angered): What!? I've had that up for a full 30 minutes! That collection took me years to make! It even has a rare 1989 Pete's pizza from Minneapolis!
Mike: Well, let's check something else here…
(Angel clicks the mouse a few times.)
Angel: It seems that the only thing that's gotten a bid so far is… Big John's collection of 1980's smut.
Big John: I'll be sad to see it go. Good thing I've got all the images stored on my hard drive.
(Commercial sign comes on.)
Mike: Well, let's hope that there's someone out there who wants all that stuff.
Gypsy: We've got commercial sign.
Angel: We'll be back after this.
(Commercials. Yadda yadda yadda. When we come back, same scene.)
Crow: I still can't believe that nobody would bid on my pizza box collection.
Mike: Well, give it time; I'm sure someone will bid on it.
(Mads light comes on.)
Big John: Ah, the ape, the witch and the scarecrow are calling.
(Castle Forrester. Bobo is in the background with a Playstation 2 and a television. Bobo is happily playing on the PS2. In the foreground, Pearl and Observer are there.)
Pearl: Ah, Mike. We've finally found something Bobo is good at. Get this: He actually completed Gran Turismo 3 in just… (turns) How long have you been playing that, Bobo?
Bobo: Oh, I forget.
Observer: Well, I calculate he's been playing that game, taking into account stopping for meals, the restroom and sleeping for approximately 245 days.
(Deep INIT.)
Tom: Oh, come on! I'm not into racing games, and even I got through that in 100 days.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl (grits her teeth): Can it, bubblegum brain! While Bobo's on that idiot box, he's not messing up my plans for global domination! (Pleasanter) Speaking of my wonderful plan, I've got something here so evil, so vile, so sinister that it will make your mind turn to mush in no time flat.
(Deep INIT)
Big John: That's what you said about X-Force #125, and X-Statix #1, and those Commission on Superhuman Activities fanfics… need I go on?
Crow: Yea, you'll never break us!
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Well, bird brain, you'll change your mind when you see this…
(She holds up a copy of Marvelville #2.)
Pearl: Marvelville is back, and the quality has gone down quite a bit since issue #1.
Observer: You really have to feel sorry for Mark Bright. His name will forever be known as the good artist that brought the awful words of Bill Jemas to life.
(She puts the comic book into the machine.)
Pearl (gloating): Well, I'd say have an insane time… but I know you will already…
(Deep INIT. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: Ah! We got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>Cover: Marvelville
Tom: Well, we saw this last time, and the quality sure hasn't improved…
Big John: Well, it's still a cheap sales-boosting moment.
>Previously…
Crow: Ah, who cares what happened before now? You throw away continuity all the time anyway.
>Ted and Jane sent their son Al
back from the year 5002.
Mike: Terror returns from 5002!
>Al falls in love with Mickey,
but it's a one-way street.
Angel: I can't say I blame her. He's about as appealing as Jesse Helms.
>Unlucky in love, Al is a lucky
superhero.
Tom: He managed to find the one petty thief even more incompetent than himself.
Big John: But I never understood how someone that incompetent could escape from the police. For that matter, why did such a petty thief have a $200 million reward on him? Even the Washington sniper's reward is a mere $2 million. *
Crow: I wouldn't get my hopes up for an explanation.
>With no discernable powers and a
little help from his old dog AOLstro…
Mike: Bill Jemas managed to make one of the worst written comic books in Marvel history, and that's saying a lot!
>… Al captures the same thief two
times and earns $200 million in reward money.
Angel: But thanks to good lawyers, the thief gets away again.
>An insider guide to Marvelville
#2:
Tom: Get ready for something convoluted here.
>In the Marvel Universe, The
kingpin of crime is nicknamed "The Kingpin" and he looks like this.
Big John (sings): Yea, yea/ We mind very much if you smoke.
>Matt Murdock is a blind lawyer who
dresses up at night like this.
Angel: Well, he's got a better fashion sense than KalAOL there.
>Batman, Black Panther and Iron
Man are all billionaire super-hero crime fighters.
Crow: One of who happens to be owned by DC comics, whom you trashed last issue, if you'll remember!
Tom: Marvel writers don't seem to have a memory from one issue to the next.
>Peter David writes comic books
and doesn't have a whole lot of fans.
Big John: Well, if memory serves, he's had over 52 novels, something Jemas will never do, and has had some of them make the bestseller lists.
>Rush Limbaugh
Mike: I should have guessed that Jemas was a Rush Limbaugh fan.
>talks on the radio and does have
a whole lot of fans.
Angel: Bill Jemas writes bad comic books, makes terrible business decisions and has no fans.
>(Scene: A park. KalAOL is
sitting next to Mickey. She is in a bikini and lying on a blanket. AOLstro is
nearby.)
Crow (as KalAOL): Mickey, do I really have to sit on this fire ant mound? Their bites really hurt!
>KalAOL: Mickey, I'm just saying
that I have great power, and…
Tom (as KalAOL): I'm having a hard time completing my sentences!
>Mickey: Sleeping.
>KalAOL: What?
Big John: I'd explain it to you, but words like "the" go right over your head.
>Mickey: Al, I'm sleeping.
Mike: (sings): I know the secrets that you keep/ When you're talking in your sleep…
Crow: There you go on that 80's tirade again…
>KalAOL: Come on, you're wide
awake.
Angel (as Mickey): All right, I'm awake. I just don't want to talk to you!
>Listen, with great power, there
must also come great responsibility.
Tom: How dare you soil the great words of Stan Lee!
>Mickey: Where did you get that?
Crow (as Mickey): I have a life so I have an excuse for not hearing those words.
>KalAOL: Duh, Stan Lee.
Big John: Ah, now we have proof of KalAOL's stupidity. (dumbly) Duh, thanks a lot, George…
>Amazing Fantasy #15, the 1st
appearance of Spider-Man.
Mike: Of course, Bill strongly encourages you to buy the reprint.
>Mickey: And?
>KalAOL: I should use my super
powers for…
Angel: Stopping this would be good.
>Mickey: You have no powers.
Tom: Except to be incredibly dumb and very idiotic!
>You don't even look like a super
hero.
Crow: Sure he does! It's Captain No-life!
>You look like a dork.
Big John: Girlfriend, why are you hanging around this loser? Get rid of him!
>KalAOL: Whatever. I don't care
about my looks.
All: That goes without saying.
>Mickey: That's 'cause you don't
have to look at you.
Mike: Well, you're the one who's hanging around him. Why is beyond me.
Tom: Oh, but he has a lot of money.
Crow: There are some things more important than money. Remember Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell?
>Let's try a little mousse.
Angel: Girlfriend, you can put all the mousse in the world on his head, and it wouldn't do one iota of good.
>KalAOL: There goes the ozone.
Big John: Look kid, you've lived without it for 18 years. Besides, most aerosol cans today use carbon dioxide as a propellant.
>Mickey: It's a pump, so shut up.
All: PLEASE!!
>Mickey: Hey, I got you.
Crow (sinisterly): Right where I want you, and now I can crush your skull and take all your money for myself!
>KalAOL: Got what?
Tom (as Mickey): I got flakes of your dandruff in my hands!
>Mickey: If you're really from
3000 years in the future, how do you know about Stan Lee?
Mike: Because the writer said so. I can't see any other reason.
>KalAOL: Stan the Man, didn't you
study him in college?
Angel: I never knew they hand comic book philosophy in college.
>Mickey: I studied Shakespeare.
Big John: Which is why she has a life.
>KalAOL: Shakespeare?
Tom: Figures that he'd never heard of quality writing.
>Mickey: The Bard.
>KalAOL: Simpson?
Crow (as Homer Simpson): D'oh!
>William.
Tom (as KalAOL): Wait a minute… is it William or the bard? I'm soooooo confused!
>"Power corrupts, absolute
power corrupts absolutely."
Mike: Guys, I think this is the only decent line we're going to get from this story.
Big John: That's because he borrowed it from William Shakespeare.
Tom: Then again, people have made even the work of Shakespeare bad.
Crow and Mike: Don't remind us of that.
>KalAOL: Not me, Mickey. I'll use
my powers for…
Angel: Making Hama and Raab look good in comparison?
>Man: Pardon me, young man. I
lost my job
Big John (sings): Done lost my job this morning/ And my baby she left me…
>I have no friends, and God would
bless you if you could spare some change.
Mike: Give him some money, Lord knows he'll do a better job with it than you will.
>KalAOL: Sure thing, pal. A
hundred bucks ought to change your luck.
Tom: Wow! A hundred dollar bill that can change someone's life like that ought to be worth millions!
>Other Man: Cease and desist,
sir.
Crow: This is the police, we have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up and nobody will get hurt!
>KalAOL: What?
Angel: He means stop what you're doing.
>Other Man: Don't bestow your
hard-earned money on that low-life.
Big John (as the other man): He's probably going to use it to buy crack on the corner.
>Mickey: It wasn't all that hard
to earn – it was a reward.
Mike (as the other man): Let me guess – you had the boy hang around people until they said "hey, here's $10. Go away."
>Other man: A reward earned
through heroism is…
>Mickey: No more hero crap,
puleeeze.
Tom (as Mickey): I want to go over to Strangers in Paradise as soon as I can!
>I'm trying to bring "The
Marvel" back to reality.
Crow: Good luck, sister.
Angel (sings): Back to bed/ Back to reality…
>Other man: Precisely how much
was this reward?
Big John (as the other man): And why did they give it to such a loser like him?
>KalAOL: $200 million.
>Other man: You much have done a heroic
deed, indeed.
All: Not really!
>Mickey: A robber slipped on his
dog's drool puddle.
Mike (as the other man): So he found some robber that had that kind of reward out for him, and managed to catch him. Give me a break! You made that money dishonestly, didn't you!?
>KalAOL: Oh, AOLstro!
All: From one kind of gas to another!
>Mickey: That wasn't him, it was him.
Tom: So how could you tell the difference?
>KalAOL: Those people are
applauding your farts.
Crow: They're big South Park fans.
>Mickey: Hey, aren't you Rush
Limbaugh?
Angel: So what have you been doing these days, other than fading into obscurity?
>Rush (other man): It is I, and
these are my aficionados.
Big John: Wow! I never knew Rush had a lot of hot babes following him. I think I'll start listening in.
Mike: Yea right. You just do that.
>Man in swimsuit: What a waft of
wisdom!
Tom: Because I can't tell which end he speaks out of!
>Hot babe: Impart another one!
All: PLEASE DON'T!
>Homeless man (From earlier):
About that money…
Crow (a la the movie): Money, I'm going to get it one way or another.
>KalAOL: No problem.
Angel: Wow! KalAOL hands him a GRAY dollar bill and he takes it! I wish I could find someone to take gray money from me.
>Homeless man: That's not
entirely true. I was a comic book writer.
Big John: Which has more respect than what you do.
>Mickey: Hey, are you Peter A.
David?
Mike: Hey, how do you know who he is without being into comic books?
Tom: Maybe she read some of his fantasy novels.
>KalAOL: PAD! I read about you in
Comics for the Ages. You lost a writing contest to that blithering idiot.
Crow (as Peter David): It was rigged, I tell ya!
>P.A.D.: The pain.
Mike: No! Keep away! Don't come any closer! Oh, the pain, the pain…
Big John: You know, the one picture I've seen of PAD showed him to be balding… a lot more than this guy.
>KalAOL: Here you go.
Angel: Here's $100. Go away so we nice conservative Republicans don't have to look at you slimy people.
Tom: You know, with the residuals of over 52 novels, and at least 3 comic books, I think this guy is far from being broke and homeless.
>Rush: Now you've done it. He
will tell his fellow indigents and our beautiful bastion of bronzing will be
overrun by throngs…
Crow (as Rush): But you've given me something to rant about on my next show…
>Mickey: Easy, big fella, the
poor slob needs the money.
Mike: Must be a coin collector. I don't see why anyone else would want gray money.
>Rush: Nonsense, he's just going
to procure alcoholic beverages.
Big John (sings): Oh little pig, little pig let me in/ I've traded food stamps for a bottle of gin…
Angel: Well, if I was in Marvelville, I'd want to get as plastered as possible to dull the pain of being there.
>KalAOL: Is that true?
>Peter David: Well, I am a bit
parched from making excuses.
Tom (as Peter David): But I can't think of any reason why I'm in this story to begin with, other than being a cheap shot by Jemas at me.
>KalAOL: Here's a cold one.
Crow (as W.C. Fields): Now beat it boy, you bother me.
>Rush: You're not doing him any
good.
Mike: I don't hear any suggestions of what he should do from you.
>KalAOL: Sure I am!
Big John (obscenely cheerful): If he drinks himself to death, then we Republicans don't have to be near him anymore!
>Peter David: Sure he is.
Angel (as Peter David): Anything that's contrary to what you want is good for the country, Limbaugh.
>Rush: Now he'll never bother to
look for a job.
Tom: As if one could find one these days. Apparently, Rush here has been living about 2 years in the past*.
>Mickey: Are you deaf?
Crow: Well, he's deaf to the plight of the non-working.
>He wants to work, but no one
will hire him.
Big John: Funny, I thought he had a job writing Young Justice for DC and several other projects. I'm so glad Jemas corrected me on that one.
>Rush: Yes.
>Mickey: Yes what?
All: Huh?
>Rush: I am deaf, isn't that
ironic for a radio host?
Mike: She means deaf, as in not hearing, not def, as in funky fresh man.
>(Farting sound.)
Angel: So what's with all the farting and no fart jokes?
>KalAOL: Oofff, Something must
have died up there!
Tom: It's called a brain.
>Mickey: That wasn't him. It was him.
Crow: Could you be a little more confusing, please?
>KalAOL: Hey, AOLstro, you could
have your own show…
Big John (as AOLstro): Only if they pay with Snausages! I've been waiting for that since issue #1!
Mike: Additionally, we're STILL waiting for the silly part.
>Rush: Ridiculous. He's too lazy,
drooly and farty.
Angel: And… how is this different from you?
>KalAOL: That's it!
Tom (as KalAOL): I've had enough of this comic book. You finish the series without me!
>Mickey: It, what?
>KalAOL: I want to help poor
people.
Crow: Hey, I'm kinda short this week, could you give me a few bucks?
>(KalAOL and Mickey enter a
taxicab.)
>KalAOL: Hey, take us to poor
people.
Big John (as the taxi driver): Hey, this is a Republican cab. We don't go anywhere near poor people!
>Taxi driver: Enron is having a
shareholders meeting in the Bronx and the AOL guys are in Midtown.
Mike: Amazing how a mere taxi driver would know all that off the top of his head.
Angel: He said poor people, not robber barons.
>Mickey: Are you the guy from
Taxi?
Tom: Jemas' litigant #15 in the series, collect them all!
>Taxi driver: I got typecast.
Where to?
Crow (as Mickey): Calgon, take me away!
>(Scene change. KalAOL is helping
out others, but Batman suddenly intervenes.)
Big John: How can he move with that big of a cape?
Mike: Don't stress over blatant disregards for the laws of physics. Marvel does them all the time.
>KalAOL: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Angel: No! Don't let him join a boy band!
>I'm giving money to the needy.
Tom: This is George W. Bush's America. The needy should not be seen or heard!
>Batman: He's a thief, not needy.
Crow: You know, I read somewhere that for every 1% rise in unemployment, there's a 6% rise in the crime rate. Some people have to turn to crime to pay their bills.
>KalAOL: Hey, take a
"bathroom" break.
Big John (as KalAOL): Like you Republicans can tell the difference between being needy and being a thief!
>I want to give him money.
Mike (as Batman): Well, I don't want you to!
>Needy guy: Let's get out of
here.
Angel (as the guy): This is the last time I try to appear in the Marvel universe!
>(Iron Man suddenly appears.)
>Iron Man: There's no escape, you
petty thief.
Tom (as Iron Man): You're stuck in the Marvel Universe forever!
Crow: Man, that's a fate worse than death.
>(Iron Man kills the man with a
blast.)
>Man: Ouch.
Big John (obscenely cheerful): Oh well, that's one less homeless person we Republicans don't have to look at!
Mike: Since when was Iron Man like this?
Big John: Since never.
Tom: Do you think Stark's started drinking again?
Mike: Well, if I were in the Marvel universe, I'd want to be plastered all the time.
>(Iron Man and Batman beat up on
the needy man.)
Angel: Erm… didn't Iron Man just disintegrate that guy?
Crow: Apparently, it was one of the other guys that got toasted. It's Space Mutiny all over again!
Tom (sings): Come on and/ Kill kill kill kill the poor/ Kill kill kill kill the poor/ Tonight…
>Mickey: Hey, give it a rest.
Big John: Well, while they're beating up on that guy, we don't have to endure Jemas' dialog.
>Batman: Not until my parents are
avenged.
Mike: You've been trying to avenge your parents for over 60 years now. Even God took a break on the seventh day.
>(Man pulls up his shirt to
reveal his face.)
>Man: I never hurt your parents.
Tom (as the man): I wasn't even born when they died!
>Batman: You're symbolic.
Crow: Symbolic of what?
Angel: I'm not sure I want to know.
>Black Panther: Halt in the name
of the Black Panther!
Big John: Wonderful. You ruin Iron Man for us, now you're going to ruin Black Panther too!? Have you no sense of decency, at all left? Have you left no sense of decency, Jemas?
>Black man: Hey, bro, let me go.
My kids are hungry. I lost my job at the Iron Man Wallpaper Plant.
Mike: So is Black Panther going to blow someone away too?
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are standing around there.)
Mike: Well, we've got another Marvelville to deal with, guys… I know we barely beat the last one, but this time, we're going to make it better.
(The call light comes on.)
Crow: What I don't understand is why Jemas really has it in for Peter David.
(The hexfield viewer opens up, and we see Peter David there. He is attired in a nice suit and tie. Next to Peter is his wife, clad in a pleasant dress. The two of them are in their living room.)
Mike: Hey, it's Peter David.
Peter: Hi. I heard that you were doing Marvelville #2, and I just wanted to say that I am absolutely nothing like the way Bill Jemas portrayed me here.
Angel: Really.
Peter: As you can see, I am a happily married man, in a nice home. I've written a lot more stuff than Jemas has. Tell me, have you seen any glowing reviews of Marvelville?
Tom: Hmm… I can't say I have.
Peter: Now, how many good reviews have I gotten?
Crow: Well, I've only seen one review that didn't laud your efforts…
Peter: Precisely.
Big John: So what's the riff between you and Jemas all about?
Peter: Well, he wanted to take the Captain Marvel series I'm writing, and relaunch it as The Marvel.
Mike: What's wrong with the old name?
Crow: Is this like why he changed the name of X-Force to X-Statix, Deadpool into Agent X and Cable into X-Soldier?
Peter: I'm not really sure about that. Anyway, pretty much everyone else agreed I was right, and the decision was made not to change the title. Well, Jemas got bitter for not getting his way.
Angel: But life would be so boring if you always got what you wanted.
Peter: I agree. Well, he decided to put me in Marvelville. I struck back a little by a comment in Young Justice #50.
Tom: I read that. Wonder Girl told CM3 not to change his name to The Marvel. I thought it was funny.
Peter: Well, anyway, I Jemas really has lost touch with Marvel's core audience, and he really has little if any idea on how to write a quality comic book.
All on Deep INIT: I can't argue with that one.
Ms. David: Something else I want to add: my husband is not an alcoholic. He doesn't drink.
Peter: Yes, and I do have a job working for DC and writing other projects. You can see my site http://www.padguy.com for more information on that. Well, I've got to finish Young Justice before the deadline.
Mike: Well, thank you very much for visiting with us.
(Commercial light comes on as the hexfield viewer closes.)
Big John: What a nice guy.
Crow: He should be the one in charge of what direction Marvel goes.
Angel: He seemed to look a lot better in Marvelville, though...
Tom: Oh, well, unwritten law of comicbookdom #4 is that every guy has to be a hot stud and every woman is a total babe.
Angel: Ah. I see.
Mike: Well, we've got commercial sign. We'll be back after this.
(Commercials. More bad stuff to rot your mind. When we come back, Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
>Iron Man: I closed down that
factory, and outsourced everything to Mexico.
Tom (as Iron Man): But I think I can get you a job shoveling burgers at McStarks!
>Black Man: But one thousand
people lost their jobs.
Crow (as Iron Man): Well, it's their fault for not being a Republican like me!
>Other man: And all the
neighborhood businesses went bust.
Big John (as Iron Man): So move to Mexico and take your old job back at 1/5th the pay!
>Iron Man: I know. I destroyed
the local economy.
Angel (as Iron Man): But the shareholders overruled me!
>But you can pay Mexicans a
dollar and hour and they still work like N –
Mike: A racial epithet!? Come on, Jemas! You know better than that!
Tom: Iron Man would never use that kind of language!
Crow: Wasn't Iron Man's best confidant black at one time? Also, isn't Black Panther of African origin?
Big John: Let's see here, stereotypically, African-Americans are supposedly lazy. Never you mind this is NOT true. So why would Iron Man want someone working for him he knows will slack off?
Angel: Why didn't you just do like most other American business do? They have prisoners working for the same wage, and they're keeping jobs in America.
>Black Panther: Careful.
Mike: You don't want to ruin your armor-plated glove with this guy's blood.
>Iron Man: Oops. Thanks.
>Black Panther: People would
think poorly of you if you said a bad word.
Tom: And beating up on the homeless is any better??
>Mickey: You guys are billionaires,
you could give one hundred dollars a day to ten thousand people and never miss
it.
Crow (as Iron Man): The kid gives away his money. Enough said.
>Batman: It's not the money, it's
the principal.
Big John (as Batman): My school principal treated me badly! I hated him and it made me mean!
Angel: I'm beginning to think there are no principles here at all.
>KalAOL: All of this violence
over a hundred dollars?
Mike: Well, Jemas seems to think it's what the readers want. Although I have to wonder how Batman tore that guy's arm off and there's no blood.
>It costs you more to light up
your cave.
Tom: And how would you know that??
>Iron Man: I think we've found a
couple of liberals.
Crow (as Iron Man): If there's one thing we Republicans don't like, it's liberals. Keep the masses ignorant! More money to us and less to those who need it!
>(Rush Limbaugh enters.
Mercifully, he's attired in a suit and tie, along with a microphone.)
>Rush: That will be quite enough
of this.
Big John: He's going to stop this comic book before it gets even worse?
Angel: I wouldn't get my hopes up. We've still got 12 pages to kill, not counting the endless ads.
>Iron Man: Rush Limbaugh! Our
hero!!
Mike: Erm, I think you changed the z into an h there…
>(Rush's microphone blasts at
Iron Man, Black Panther, and Batman, killing them.)
Tom (as Rush): Those guys were just bleeding heart liberals. We had to kill them.
Crow: First the death of innocent homeless people, now you're killing the rich too?
Big John: Ah, don't worry. They'll just get resurrected again.
Angel: Let's hope that when they do, they'll stop beating up on the homeless.
>KalAOL: Thanks, Rush.
Mike: You've successfully helped us kill a page for no good reason, in addition to killing three good heroes.
>Rush: I got so good at turning
on these nut jobs, I had to learn how to turn them off.
Tom (sings): I'm sorry baby/ I didn't mean to turn you on…
>My work here is done.
All: Good. Leave.
>KalAOL: With great power comes
>Mickey: Shut up.
Crow: We've told him a lot, but he still talks.
>Caption: A 911 call later…
Big John (as a 911 operator): I'm sorry, but we're in the business of saving lives, not comic books.
>Policewoman: At first I thought
you were one of them
Angel: But then I found out you were one of those.
>KalAOL: I was just giving some
money to poor people, when all hell broke loose.
Mike (as the policewoman): Well, we'll let this slide this time, but next time, don't be handing out money!
>Policewoman: No good deed goes
unpunished.
Tom (as the policewoman): I'm fining you for having an appalling sense of fashion.
>KalAOL: Seeing all those jerks
in action makes me want to be a crime fighter.
Crow: You're already big enough of a jerk.
>I want to use my powers…
Big John (as KalAOL): But I just don't have any!
>Policewoman: Super powers --
cool!
Angel (as the policewoman): Keep telling me about yourself – I'll find more and more things to cite you for.
>KalAOL: Well, it's a big
responsibility, and…
Mike (as KalAOL): I have no clue how to handle it!
>Mickey: Officer.
>Policewoman: Call me Lucy.
Tom: Call me Ishmael.
>Mickey: Listen, he's just
flirting.
Crow (as Mickey): I'm going to have a little Lorena Bobbitt break with him when we get home.
>KalAOL: Are you jealous?
Big John: Only as much as you are clueless!
>Mickey: I'm embarrassed.
All: I can understand why.
>Al has no superpowers. He has
two hundred million dollars, but that just gets him into trouble.
Angel (as Mickey): He needs a good woman to straighten him out… yea, that's it… I love getting into dysfunctional relationships.
>Policeman: Two hundred million
dollars. Hey, kid, you can ride with us anytime,
Mike (as the policeman): Of course, our fare is $500 a quarter mile.
>and we'll call you the Marvel!
Tom: So what about him is so marvelous?
Crow: I have to marvel at Jemas' gall. He actually thought he could pass this guy off as someone worthwhile!
>Mickey: Are you the guy from
Barney Miller?
Big John: I think Jemas doesn't know the meaning of the words "class-action lawsuit."
Angel: Well, sue a beggar, get a louse.
>Policeman: I got typecast. Now,
let's go do some police work.
Mike (as the policeman): I'm on the clock.
>(Scene: A doughnut shop. The two
policemen are talking to KalAOL and Mickey.)
>KalAOL: Police work is great.
Tom (sings): Well I'm a high school grad/ I'm over five foot three/ I'll get a badge and a gun and I'll join the PD…
>Mickey: It can't just be eating
doughnuts, can it?
Crow: Well, if it is, it would be the perfect job for Homer Simpson…
>Policeman: It's just what you
would think. We send homeless people to shelters, we arrive at crime scenes
after the criminals have left.
Big John: Let's not forget about the violent drug busts that end up in people getting killed, actually trying to track the criminals down, and then there's the endless paperwork.
>KalAOL: Hey, let's capture a big
time criminal.
Angel (obscenely cheerful): Why, what in the world would make you want to say that? It's not like the police try to do that EVERY DAY!!
>Policewoman: How?
>KalAOL: I have a plan.
Mike (as Baldric of Black Adder): I have a cunning plan that will save us all!
>Caption: Later…
>Mickey: She's a hooker?
Tom: Well, any excuse to show a hot babe in skimpy clothing, right Jemas?
>KalAOL: Right. And I'm a tourist.
Crow: Let's hope he gets mugged. (narrator voice) Policewoman, in … not much of anything!
>Policeman: And you guys are
going to buy some pot and arrest that guy.
Big John: He's offed four narcs in three weeks. Have fun trying to catch him without having any protection from his bullets!
>Policeman: Then what?
>Mickey: I throw a bucket of cold
water on them.
Mike: You're throwing a bucket of cold water on the drug pushers?
Angel: No, she throwing a bucket of cold water on all the horny guys that were drooling over the pictures of the hooker and her in the previous panels.
>KalAOL: Then we get the guy to
turn State's Evidence against the big boss.
Tom (as Mickey): Ugh… being around this guy has given me such a headache.
>KalAOL: See? My plan worked? We
caught ourselves a criminal!
Crow: Why didn't you just use the guy you fought twice last issue? He seemed pretty incompetent to me!
>Mickey: Is this how they fight
crime in the future?
Big John (as KalAOL): Nah, thanks to the erosion of civil liberties in the wake of 9/11, we just have the police off criminals on the spot.
>KalAOL: There is no crime in the
future.
Mike (as KalAOL): We implant microchips into people's minds that make them think happy thoughts all the time!
>Mickey: Splendid! The human race
professes beyond our petty selfish…
>KalAOL: Not exactly.
Angel (sings): When they say why, why?/ Tell 'em that it's human nature…
>Mickey: What?
>We're still pretty petty -- we
just have no possessions.
Tom: So everyone in the world is a homeless bum? Thanks, President George W. Bush!!
>Mickey: Imagine!
All: I'd rather not!
>Everyone sharing Earth's bounty
in a great…
>KalAOL: Not exactly.
Crow (as Mickey): Stop crushing my dreams! I'm on a tirade here about how good it would be if we shared everything!
>Mickey: What?
>KalAOL: We don't own anything,
because we sold it all to AOL.
Mike: Uh-oh. Repeated lame-o gag dead ahead, everyone brace yourselves! It didn't work last time, and I doubt it will this time too!
>Mickey: You mean, everyone on
Earth sold everything to AOL?
>KalAOL: Right.
Big John: I sincerely doubt the government would allow such a transaction.
>Mickey: What did you get in
return?
All: Stupidity!
>KalAOL: Stock.
All: Same thing!
>Caption: Domination: Police and
perpetrators.
>(Scene shows the criminal being
lead by the hooker policewoman.)
Tom: Well, I tell you what, if all policewomen looked like that all the time, the crime rate would definitely go up!
>(Policewoman has the criminal
fingerprinted.)
>Policewoman: Look at this, my hands
are smudged.
Crow: You know, a little soap and water should take care of that.
Mike: Ever hear of a bathroom?
Angel (as the policewoman): But I just got my nails done!
>(Criminal licks the
policewoman's fingers.)
>Policewoman: That's good, you
bad boy.
All: EEEUUUU!
Big John: You don't know where her fingers have been!
>Caption: Incarceration: Prisons
and prisoners.
Tom (as a criminal): Cool… fresh meat for the slaughter.
>Prisoner's thoughts: That's
good, you bad boy.
Crow (Nerdy voice): We're shunning you.
>Caption: Adjudication: Lawyers
and Judges.
Mike: Also, extra capitalization for no apparent reason.
>Judge's thoughts: Oral
arguments, you bad boy.
Angel (sings): Boys will be boys/ Bad boys/ Bad boys…
>(Criminal walks out smiling.)
Big John: Thanks. I'll be back tomorrow for more "processing."
Tom: Maybe he was in Ron Chapman's court. **
>KalAOL: Is that you?
>Criminal: It's me with a lawyer.
>And I'm out of here.
Crow: If only we were so lucky.
>Matt: Good afternoon, young
lady, I'm Matt Murdock.
Mike: Uh-oh. Mischaracterization dead ahead! We can't dodge it! Brace yourselves! He's got brown hair for starters!
>Mickey: Hey, you're supposed to
be blind, how'd you know I'm young?
Angel (as Mickey): Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop drooling all over me. Lord knows I get enough of that with the readers.
>Matt: My sixth sense for beauty.
Big John (a la The Sixth Sense): I see mischaracterized people…
>Mickey: I see. Your other senses
compensate for your lack of moral sense.
Tom: Lawyers have a moral sense… that is, when they're not being MISCHARACTERIZED!!
>Matt: Pardon?
>Mickey: You're faking blindness
to get the judge's sympathy.
Crow: I've got it! This isn't Matt Murdock, a.k.a. Daredevil! This is just another slimy lawyer whose name is Matt Murdock!
>Matt: We're getting off on the
wrong foot.
Crow (as Mickey): Well, it would help if you would stop standing on my foot.
>Mickey: Foot? You don't need
feet, counselor. You can just slither.
Mike: Mickey, he's not taking the hint.
>Matt: Listen, my client was
properly acquitted.
Big John (as Matt): It was a bargain at $2 large…
>The police manual provides that
public officers must emphasize public safety.
Angel (as Matt): That hooker cop of yours gave two old men heart attacks when they saw her!
>I provided that the arresting
officer's shoes were untied.
>Policewoman: I'm wearing pumps.
Tom: All right, cheap excuse to show off her legs!
>Matt: That's a technicality.
Crow: But it's still a good enough excuse to show her off again.
>Mickey: You're a menace, putting
a criminal like him back out on the street.
Mike: Yea, us Republicans want those criminals locked away and killed!
>Matt: Criminal? The foundation
of American Justice is
Big John: He with the most money wins!
>that every citizen has the right
to representation, and…
Angel: I get to charge an unreal amount of money for my services!
>Mickey: And every lawyer is
entitled to a fee.
>KalAOL: Dude, you screwed up
everything.
Tom: Well, it puts money in my pocket and yours, so what are you complaining about?
>We were tracking down the head
of all crime in New York…
>Matt: The Kingpin.
Crow (as Matt): One of my biggest clients!
>KalAOL: And you got him off
before he could tell us who he works for.
Mike (to Big John): Don't even think about it.
Big John: Spoilsport.
>Matt: The Kingpin.
Tom: Just in case you missed it last time.
>KalAOL: Now we'll never know his
name.
Crow (waving his hand): Uh, you hoo! Over here, you brickhead! Matt's telling you his name, idiot!!
>Matt: Whose name?
>KalAOL: The Kingpin of crime.
All: Wilson Fisk!!
>Matt: Right. Go get him.
Mike: Oh? Need I remind you that you (or rather, the REAL Matt Murdock) has tried to do this for over 30 years!?
>Now that's settled, how about
dinner?
Angel (sings): He ain't ever coming back…
>KalAOL: Go get who?
>Matt: Who's on first.
Big John: Thanks, Jemas. You just ruined a good Abbott and Costello sketch for us!
>KalAOL: I'm asking you, what's
the name of the kingpin of crime.
>Matt: What's on second.
Tom: Well, you know what they say about arguing with a fool…
Crow: So which one is the fool?
Tom: I think both of them are.
>Caption: Later…
All: Thank goodness they spared us the third base!
>Mickey: That was so nice of Matt
to give us the Kingpin's name.
>KalAOL: He's a jerk.
Mike: Glass houses, KalAOL…
>Mickey: Jealous?
>KalAOL: Embarrassed.
Angel: Well, if I were in that comic book, I'd be embarrassed too.
>Mickey: Now all we need to do is
find out where the Kingpin lives.
Big John: I guess you forgot to ask Matt that.
>KalAOL: Look! It's Spider-Man!
Betcha he can help us!
Tom: Oh, come on! Didn't Spider-Man endure enough trouble with Byrne?
Crow: Well, then he should be used to this.
>Policewoman: I've been after
that red menace for years.
Mike: Yea, them commies are everywhere these days!
>Mickey: I thought Spider-Man was
a good guy.
Angel: Well, he's helped out Marvel's struggling finances with his film…
>Policewoman: He's always around
crime scenes. He must be a criminal.
Big John: She must use the same logic George W. Bush does to justify invading Iraq.
>Mickey: That's like saying
firemen are pyromaniacs.
>Policewoman: I've heard that
too.
Tom (as the policewoman): Well, J. Jonah Jamison can't be wrong now, can he?
>Freeze!
>Old woman: Excuse me, dear,
Crow: Would you put on some clothing? You're going to give my husband a heart attack!
>would you please let this young
man finish helping me, before you start having sex with him for money?
>Policewoman: I'm not a hooker,
I'm a pig.
Mike: Could have fooled me.
Angel (annoyed): Mike!
Mike (to Angel): Well, you have to admit she's dressed like one.
Angel: It's exceptionally degrading to women!
All but Angel: I agree.
>Woman: That's nice, dear.
Big John (as the woman): Just stop soiling my Republican eyes with your appearance.
>KalAOL: Spidey, do you know
where the Kingpin's headquarters are?
>Spidey: I do, but it's a
dangerous place.
Tom (as Spider-Man): Nice doggie… don't eat the Snausages in my pocket…
Crow (as AOLstro): Grr… I still want my Snausages!
Mike: We're still wanting the silly part.
>Policewoman: Just tell us, so we
can capture him.
Big John (as Spider-Man): Hey, I may be a superhero, but I'm no stool pigeon!
>Spider-Man: I'll do it, but only
if I can help.
Angel: No! No! Run away, Spidey! Run!
>(Spider-Man takes them to a
bowling alley named "Kingpin Lanes.")
>Mickey: This is a dump. This
can't be it!
Tom (obscenely cheerful): Oh, but if you give it a new coat of paint, a little feng shui, it'll be perfect!
>Spider-Man: The bowling alley is
a front.
>Policewoman: Are you sure?
Crow: How many other bowling alleys do you know of that rake in $2 billion a month?
>Spider-Man: Pretty sure.
>(Pull back to show a tall
building behind it that reads "Kingpin Headquarters.")
Big John: I sincerely doubt that the Kingpin of crime would want to mark his building with his name!!
(Commercials. Things you don't need shoved at you by buxom blonde women and hot stud men. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are there.)
Crow: Man, Jemas obviously has no clue about how to write and clearly has no respect for Marvel continuity.
Tom: You said it, Crow. I have to wonder why he would do something like this one.
Mike: It doesn't make sense. He takes good characters and wastes them by mischaracterizing them.
(Call light comes on.)
Big John: Well, one thing's for sure. It's keeping us busy.
(The hexfield viewer opens up to show Iron Man and Black Panther there.)
Crow: Whoa! Iron Man and Black Panther.
Iron Man: Hi. We've heard you are enduring Marvelville #2, so we thought we'd call up and give you our deepest condolences.
Tom: Thanks, Iron Man. Say, why did you appear in this in the first place?
Iron Man: Well, it's not like we had a choice in the matter. Marvel's got a contract with both of us that says we have to appear whenever they call on us.
Black Panther: Believe me, I wanted to stay away from this as much as possible, especially with what happens next.
Mike: It must have been painful having to be in that story.
Iron Man: Tell me about it! Jemas is a perfectionist. I had to roast over 15 different people before he was satisfied with the shot. Even worse, Jemas had me almost use a racial epithet. I'm not racist! Hey, my former closest confidant, James Rhodes, was an African-American.
Black Panther: Also I would like to add that we don't normally go around beating up on people unless they are committing crimes.
Iron Man: I've set up several funds, such as the Anthony Stark Sr. foundation, that actually help those in need.
Black Panther: We're really not evil people. I've worked to make Wakanda one of the best African countries. We've also helped out our not-as-fortunate neighbors with assistance.
Mike: Well, I'm glad to hear that Jemas distorted the truth with you two.
Iron Man: What we're worried about is who's he going to do next? I mean, it was bad enough when John Byrne got his hands on Spider-Man.
Black Panther: Don't forget Hama's run on Generation X and Raab's run on Excalibur.
Mike, Angel and the bots: We'd like to forget those as much as possible.
Big John: Say, could one of you possibly send a ship up here to get us?
Iron Man: Hmm… I don't see why not. Of course, it'll take about four years to get there.
Mike: Great! Thanks a lot!
Iron Man: Hey, anytime.
(Their Avengers communication card buzz.)
Black Panther: The Avengers need us. Well, it was nice talking to you.
Crow: Call back any time.
(The hexfield viewer closes.)
Angel: Well, four years until we're rescued.
Crow: Let's hope we can hold out until then.
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We've got comic book sign!
>(Suddenly the Punisher starts
firing on everyone.)
>Punisher: I'm gunning for the
Kingpin.
Tom (as a random victim): Hey, does anyone here look like a large, overweight male?
>KalAOL: Don't shoot us! We're
after him too!
Big John (as the Punisher): In your case, it's a mercy killing.
>Policewoman: I'm a cop!
Angel (as the Punisher): Funny, you look like a Victora's Secret model to me.
>Punisher: Sorry, but I'm the
Punisher.
Crow: Sorry!? Sorry!?! When has the Punisher ever apologized!?
Tom: Crow, don't stress over the mischaracterizations. Jemas has been with Marvel for what… a few weeks when he wrote this?
Mike: This is the best argument for promoting from within. By the way, haven't Spider-Man and the Punisher met?
Crow: Well, the Punisher first appeared in Amazing Spider-Man #129…
>The system puts criminals back
on the street, so I shoot first and ask questions later.
>Spider-Man: But what if they're
innocent?
Big John (obscenely cheerful): Well, as long as they're not Republicans, then it's all right…
Angel: But what if they're Republicans?
Big John: Oh, no self-respecting Republican would be seen with a criminal. They would actually be the criminal.
>KalAOL: Like us.
>Mickey: We're innocent.
Crow: Using that term in a loose sense for the hooker cop there.
>Policewoman: You almost killed
us!
Tom (as the Punisher): Best thing for the lad.
>Punisher: I said I was sorry.
Mike: Better enjoy it while you can. You're not likely to see him apologize again.
>I'll blast my way through the
loading dock.
Big John: Even though the door is unlocked?
>Spider-Man: I'll climb the
walls.
Angel (as Spider-Man): So I don't have to be in the line of your fire anymore.
>KalAOL: I'll go through the
ventilation system.
All: I hope you get stuck there!
>(The guys exit.)
>Mickey: Doorbell?
Crow: Yes, he sure is dumb as one!
>Policewoman: Doorbell.
>(Door opens to show yet another
famous person there.)
>Mickey: Hey, aren't you from the
Sopranos?
Tom (as the man there): I can't help it if Jemas is as creative as a doorknob!
>Policewoman: We're here for the
Kingpin.
>Guy: He's on the 70th
floor.
Big John (as the guy): Although I understand he usually prefers blondes… but I'm not going to ask you why you want to see him.
>You'll need a visitor's pass.
Big John (as the guy): You get 'em from me. The cost is –
Angel (interrupts): Stop right there.
Big John: Aw, you're no fun.
>Mickey: Well, that was easy
enough.
Mike: Well, the Kingpin's probably really in Japan now. You're going to visit a clone.
>(The guys enter all at the same
time.)
Crow: Wow! The Punisher must be really physically fit to climb 70 flights of stairs in the same amount of time that it took Mickey and the policewoman to go up there by elevator!
Tom: Crow, don't stress over the lack of continuity.
>KalAOL: Let's rock!
Big John (Sings): Ten minutes to rock/ It only takes/ Ten minutes to rock…
>Spider-Man: Let's swing!
>Punisher: Let's blast!
Angel: The door's unlocked!
>Mickey: Let's knock.
Mike (as random male): Come on, woman! We're men! We do things the hard way!
>KalAOL: Mr. Kingpin?
Crow (as W.C. Fields): Go away boy, you bother me.
>Kingpin: May I help you?
Tom (as KalAOL): Sir… would you mind giving up this lush, comfortable office and go to jail?
Big John: With the lack of reality in this story, I bet he will.
>KalAOL: Yes, well, but it's not
just about helping me.
Angel (as the Kingpin): Hey, where's your visitor's pass? I don't see anyone without a visitor's pass!
>It's about helping the whole
world. You see, Mr. Kingpin, we came to ask you to stop crime.
Mike (as the Kingpin, sarcasm dripping from every letter): Give up my livelihood just because you asked to? Sure! Why not?
>Punisher: And quite frankly, we
must insist.
Tom (as the Kingpin): But that would put you out of a job!
>Kingpin: People commit crimes
because they are hungry or hopeless or disenfranchised.
Crow: What about things like greed or laziness? Those cause crimes too, you know!
>That's why so many black people
fall into lives of crime.
Big John: I think given a choice, most people would choose not to commit a crime. Then again, those that would are people like Pearl.
>At least white kids have some
hope, they can see the path that other whites have taken to success.
Angel: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe a good number of people in sports are of African-American descent. Let's see here… talk about football, baseball, and basketball…
Mike: Then there's quite a number of Hispanic people in soccer and baseball too…
Crow: There's acting opportunities for African-Americans, they've attained high rank in the armed forces, they're in music, and business…. Heck, I really can't think of any business in general that intentionally discriminates against African-Americans anymore.
>The only light a black kid sees
leads into a sports arena, and when that fails for 99.9999% of them, they have
no hope at all.
Big John (as the Kingpin): And even when they do succeed, they commit crimes. Take for example the Cowboys…
All but Big John: Big John! That's racist!
Big John: I'm not one to sugarcoat the truth. Truth is there are plenty of opportunities for African-Americans. Many of them are going into business for themselves, you know. Discrimination is illegal, you know.
>Punisher: Okay, but who gets
punished?
All: The audience for having to read this!
>Kingpin: I'm just but one man. I
do get things organized, and make a little pocket money in the process, but I
can't stop crime. Nobody can, but everybody can.
Tom: Oh, well, I can see how that – huh?
>(Kingpin turns around to show he
is Spike Lee.)
Angel (sings): I know politics bore you/ But I feel like a hypocrite/ Talking to you/ And your racist friend…
>Policewoman: Who are you and
where's the Kingpin?
>Punisher: No way you're the head
of all crime in New York City…
Mike: Especially since I believe he lives in Los Angles!
>Mickey: Aren't you Spike Lee?
Crow (as Spike Lee): Hey, I can't help it if I'm being mischaracterized like everyone else around here!
>Spike: You got some reason I
can't be the Kingpin?
Big John: Of course not, but I have to wonder why a filmmaker with several hits under his belt like you would want to turn to crime.
>Tell you what, the reason is as
what as the nose on your face.
Tom: Everyone's being completely mischaracterized and it's all completely stupid?
>Punisher: Easy, big fella.
Big John: We'll let you continue being the Kingpin. No need to get testy here…
>Spike: Are you saying that
blacks can't be criminals?
Mike (obscenely cheerful): Oh, of course not. We Republicans just want you to crawl into the little niche we set up for you and stay there.
>Punisher: It's just that I've
heard all about the Kingpin – even seen photos.
Tom (as the Punisher): And met him at least twice!
>He's tall, fat, and white and
handsome.
Angel: Are you crazy? He makes Jesse Helms look like Brad Pitt in comparison.
>(KalAOL and Mickey are outside
the office now.)
>KalAOL: I feel like my life is
one long, contrived Marvel comic book.
Crow: You mean there are Marvel books that aren't contrived?
Big John: Well, those stopped getting published long ago.
>Mickey: How does that make you
feel?
Tom (sings): Tell me how does it feel?/ To be on your own…
>KalAOL: Stupid.
Mike: I'll tell you who feels stupid. Anyone who had to shell out $2.25 for this mess. This one is going straight into the 50-cent bargain bin.
>Caption: 5002 AD --
Crow: Terror from the year 5002!
>Al's parents, Ted and Jane.
>Ted: I was thinking…
Angel (as Jane): Wow! You haven't done that in 1200 years!
Big John (as Bullwinkle): Hey Jane, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
>Jane: Again?
>Ted: I know how we can get our
son back to the future.
Tom (sings): Gotta get back in time…
>Jane: Back home with us?!?
Crow (as Jane): Why would we want to do a dumb thing like that?!
Mike: Say, weren't there supposed to be meteorites falling here?
Angel: I wouldn't get my hopes up for an explanation.
>Ted: I know exactly what to send
him.
Big John: A brain?
>Caption: Here and now…
Tom: As opposed to then and before.
>KalAOL: Before I can be a hero,
I have to figure out what's right and what's wrong. We need to figure out the
meaning of life.
Crow: I'd worry about simpler things like continuity and proper characterization before moving onto the big stuff.
>Where it all started and where
we're all going.
Mike: Well, as I said before, you're going straight to the 50-cent bin.
>(Something appears in front of
KalAOL and Mickey.)
>Mickey: Your parents sent you
something from the future!
Angel (as Mickey): And it better be more useful than the underwear they sent you last time!
>KalAOL: The time machine…
>Caption: To be continued!
All: In the name of common decency, someone should stop this now!
>Next issue on sale 11/20!
Big John: Be sure not to buy one today!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are standing around.)
Mike: Well, we made it through another one, just barely.
Crow: You know, in all our years up on the Satellite of Love and here at Deep INIT station, I don't think we've ever had a piece of media worse than this.
Tom: Let's check on how our stuff is doing on eBay.
(They go over to the computer, and Angel types something on it.)
Angel: Let's see here… Crow… your pizza box collection doesn't have any bids yet, I'm afraid.
Crow (angry): What!? I know there's got to be someone who wants that!
(Mads light comes on.)
Mike: Pearl S. Buck is calling.
(Castle Forrester. Bobo is still playing a videogame in the background.)
Pearl: Ah, Nelscum. I happened to catch your little conversation with Iron Man, and I want you to know that I've managed to misroute his communication to his people so you won't be rescued. However, remember that this series is six mind numbing issues. Six, Nelscum! You still have four of them to go!
(Suddenly, from behind them, the videogame console Bobo was playing blows up, emitting a puff of smoke and lots of sparks.)
Bobo: Ah!
Pearl (turns): Bobo, what have you done?
(The sparks start a fire on the nearby curtains.)
Bobo: Well, I wasn't doing so well, so I asked Brain Guy here to help me out.
Observer: Well, this is nothing that I had anything to do with. You insisted upon using that illegal modification chip. I warned you that it would cause your videogame to explode.
Pearl: Well, until next time… (To Bobo and Observer) Don't just stand there, help me put out the fire!!
(End credits. While they roll, we hear the fire burning in the background. Near the end, we hear the sound of fire engines arriving with their sirens blaring.)
>Stinger: Batman: It's not the money, it's the
principal.
* As of when I wrote this (10/22/2002.)
** According to a negative ad, judge Ron Chapman allowed a murder suspect to leave the courtroom to move his car. The suspect escaped. (This is later proven not to be true.)