MST3K: Marvelville #1

Original by Bill Jemas, MiST by the Icehole

 

Songs referenced in this work: Robot Parade by They Might Be Giants, Aohell by?, No Time This Time by the Police, By Rocket to the Moon by They Might Be Giants, Time (Clock of the Heart) by Culture Club, Doubleback by ZZ Top, Thick as Thieves by the Jam, In the Middle in the Middle in the Middle by They Might be Giants, Bang Your Head (Mental Health) by Quiet Riot, No Condo, No M.B.A., No BMW by the Wonderbreads, What's Your Name? By Lynyrd Skynyrd, Mickey by Toni Basil, What Have You Done for Me Lately? By Janet Jackson, I'll Be Around by What is This? (a cover of an earlier song I can't remember the artist's name to,) Fingertips by They Might be Giants, The More Things Change by the Celibate Rifles, Run Away (The Escape Song) by Oingo Boingo, Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan, Number 3 by They Might Be Giants, Bad Haircut by Wally Pleasant, The Girl All the Bad Guys Want by Bowling for Soup, Turn Around by They Might Be Giants, Heaven by the Talking Heads, and Read about It by Midnight Oil

 

MiSTer's Note: Man, this one was PAINFUL to do! Then again, the worse the original material, the better the MiSTing. I couldn't do more than a few pages at a time. Oh, sorry if you feel there are too many TMBG songs in the story. They just fit there.

 

(Opening credits. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, Crow, Tom and Gypsy are there.)

 

Mike: All right, it's annual performance review time.

All but Mike: *GROAN*…

Mike: Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

Tom: Mike, every year we do this and every year we end up in an argument over who gave whom what.

Mike: I know, Tom, but we have to do this. Angel, pass out the scantrons.

(Enter Big John.)

Big John: Hey, what's up?

Mike: Performance review time.

Big John: I hope it doesn't end up as bad as it does down in the castle. Last year, it ended up with a fistfight between Brain Guy and Bobo.

(Commercial sign comes on.)

Tom: Whew! Saved by commercial sign.

Mike: We'll be right back after this.

 

(Commercials. More stuff that you don't want or need thrusted at you in a sugarcoated package with buxom bimbos and hot hunks trying to con you into buying it. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and Big John are filling out the forms.)

Big John: Well, this is pretty DULL!!

Mike: I don't like it either. I don't think anyone does, Big John.

(Mads light comes on.)

Crow: Can't we just drop this? I mean, what becomes of these things anyway?

Angel: They're sent and kept on file.

Tom: But where?

Angel: Well, I don't know…

Big John: Pearl in the hell is calling.

 

(Castle Forrester. Pearl is in her usual outfit, and standing opposite Bobo and Brain Guy.)

 

Pearl: Well, your performance reviews are in, and I must say, Bobo, you've been a very poor monkey this year.

Bobo: Well, I try my best, lawgiver.

Pearl: Brain Guy, you've been adequate, but you're going to have to work harder to fix Bobo's mistakes.

Brain Guy: Well, I may be near omniscient, but I can't be omnipresent.

Pearl (Turns to the screen): Oh, hi Nelscum. It's performance review day here. I'm afraid that your performance has been most lackluster over the last year. You're just not going insane like you should be.

 

(Deep INIT bridge)

 

Mike: Well, I do what I can to make your life miserable, since you do the same to me.

 

(Castle Forrester)

 

Pearl: Well, this week's bad media is a deliciously horrific comic book that's guaranteed to increase your job performance.

 

(She holds up a copy of Marvelville #1, the redhead in the swimsuit cover.)

 

Pearl: Your experiment this week is Marvelville #1. It's written by Marvel's worst writer ever.

 

(Deep INIT bridge.)

 

Mike: Gee. More Hama. Well, we've defeated him before, and we can do it again.

Tom: Are you sure it's not Raab?

 

(Castle Forrester.)

 

Pearl (smiles sinisterly): Wrong, Nelscum and gumball brain! This writer makes Hama and Raab look like Shakespeare in comparison. It's Bill Jemas himself.

 

(Deep INIT. Mike, Angel and the bots are nervous.)

 

Mike: Bill Jemas…?

Tom: Jemas got so cheap he wouldn't pay a writer to write a series?

Crow (Emotional): Oh no, we're doomed!

Big John: Buck up guys, we can beat this one.

 

(Castle Forrester.)

 

Pearl: Bill Jemas, Big John. The same guy who tried to turn Marvel Comics into another Enron! Well, this time, you're going to go insane… Jemas clearly has little if any writing aptitude, and the whole thing is going to bring about a gigantic lawsuit!

 

(Deep INIT. Crow is crying on Angel's arm. Tom has his face buried in Mike's shoulder.)

 

Crow: AW! What did we do to deserve this?!

Big John: Do you want the 5-minute version or the full half hour?

 

(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)

 

Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!

 

(Door sequence. Theatre of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)

 

Mike: Come on, we can do this, guys.

 

>Cover: Marvelville (The hot babe in the bikini cover)

 

Big John: All right! Cheap sales boosting moment off the port bow! Whoa mama!

Angel: Big John, cut it out!

 

>Cover: Marvelville (The robot cover)

 

Tom (sings): Robot parade/Robot Parade/Robots obey what the children say…

 

>Cover: Marvelville (The stud working out cover)

 

Big John (To Angel): Well, if I can't enjoy the hot babe cover, you can't enjoy this one.

Angel: Like anyone could get any enjoyment out of this.

Mike: Why three covers?

Crow: To get you to buy the same crappy comic book three times!

 

>Caption: An insider's guide to Marvelville #1

 

Tom: A guide to Marvel? Get ready for something exceptionally convoluted and contradictory…

 

>Here are a few things you need to know about comic books

 

Angel: I know they exist, and that's too much for anyone who has a life.

 

>and about the real world

 

Crow: The Real World? AAAHH! More crappy MTV shows!

 

>to get the "inside" jokes in Marvelville #1.

 

Mike: Considering how humorous Marvel comics always turn out lame, I wouldn't get my hopes up for laughs.

 

>Comic Book Characters

 

Mike: A.k.a. the lame-o legion here.

 

>Super-hero media and merchandising

 

Tom: Has gotten way out of hand because of people like you, Jemas! I mean, do we really need 10 different Spider-Man bobble head dolls?

 

>is a multi-billion dollar industry  that grew out of a silly kid's business  called comic books.

 

Crow: Which you're trying to run into the ground.

 

>How silly?

 

All (like in the old Tonight Show): How silly is it?

 

>Well…

>Bruce Wayne's parents were killed by a robber who left them to die in an alley.

 

Mike: And this is supposed to be silly?

 

>So now, as Batman, he seeks revenge by fighting crime – hi-jinx to follow.

 

Crow: Let's disrespect the competition so we can make our own lame comics look good.

 

>Peter Parker's foster parent was killed by a robber whom Peter, as Spider-Man, failed to stop – hi-jinx to follow.

 

Angel: This doesn't sound silly to me.

 

>Kal-El's parents placed him in a rocket ship before they were killed by the explosion of the planet Krypton.

 

Tom: I'm beginning to think Jemas can find humor in ANYTHING.

 

>Now, as Superman, he fights for truth and justice

 

Mike: In three different comic books, several movies, a Broadway play, and several cartoons!

 

>The American way to follow.

 

All: I'm still waiting for the silly part!

 

>Real World People

 

Crow: First we have Billy. He's 18, and the token brooding hunk. Sally, 17, is finishing her high school education. She's the party hearty babe.

 

>Marvel's Distinguished Competition (DC Comics)

 

Tom: What about Dark Horse, Sirius, Image or Black Bull?

Big John: Heck, even Dork Storm has managed to be better than Marvel at times.

 

>is run by a man named Paul Levitz who fights a never-ending battle to

 

Angel: Differentiate his company from Marvel by showing how bad Marvel is?

Crow: Using aging characters to tell basically the same stories Marvel does, only slightly better?

Big John: Ah, they're both Tweedledee and Tweedledum. The indies are where the real good stuff is.

 

>keep his business obscure.

 

Mike (as a child): It's none of your dang business!

Tom: Well, he's doing a better job at DC than you are at Marvel!

 

>This is no small feat

 

Crow: Since he's not really doing it.

 

>as DC owns Batman and Superman, and they, in turn, are owned by AOL-Time-Warner,

 

Angel: Well, Marvel comics is owned by Marvel Entertainment Group, Inc. So people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

 

>which ranks among the world's largest and most prominent entertainment, publishing and merchandising companies.

 

Big John: I sense a touch of jealousy in Bill's tone here, don't you?

 

>AOL folks show up all over Marvelville.

 

Mike: Well, I can see how that makes sense – not!

 

>Prior to selling-out to AOL, Time Warner purchased Ted Turner's own Mega media enterprise.

 

Tom: Gee, and to think all this time I thought that Time Warner bought out AOL… I'm so glad he corrected me on that one.

 

>Mr. Turner had founded or acquired TBS, TNT, and CNN,

 

Crow (James Earl Jones voice): This is CNN… something Bill Jemas' company will never be like.

 

>along with a range of sports and entertainment businesses from the Atlanta Braves and Hawks to MGM.

 

Angel: And the point of all this is…?

Big John: I don't think Jemas realizes that this has to have a point.

 

>Rather than sitting around counting his money, Mr. Turner established the Goodwill games in 1986 to "ease tensions during the Cold War through friendly athletic competition between nations."

 

Mike: Never you mind this was done before with the Olympics.

 

>In 1988, he took the Hawks for a groundbreaking tour of the Soviet Union.

 

Tom: And they all came down with the worst case of Stalin's revenge*…

 

>Then, Ted married Jane Fonda.

 

Big John: Ah, now we get to the real reason Bill's so jealous.

 

>Rather than sitting around enjoying her dad's money,

 

Angel: Which, if memory serves, she has to share with other siblings…

 

>Ms. Fonda chose to build her own acting career.

 

Big John: Barberella was my favorite.

Mike: Big John!

 

>She became one of the first prominent Americans to take a stand against the War in Vietnam, and has devoted much of her life to public service.

 

Tom: You make it sound like it's a bad thing.

Crow: In the eyes of the corporate CEO, anything that doesn't maximize profits is subversive.

 

>Marvelville

 

Mike: All right! We get the point that it's the title already!

 

>In Marvelville, any similarities between Comic Book Characters and Real World People is just for fun.

 

Angel: Fun? This is fun?

Tom: In some sick, corporate CEO way.

Crow: Like laying off 5000 workers while you take home a $2 million bonus.

 

>Caption: 5002 A.D.

 

Mike: Terror from the year 5002!

 

>Person: Congratulations! Your new store is huge.

 

Tom: Well, it used to be a Wal-Mart, but they're not doing too well of late…

 

>Comic shop owner: After three thousand years, the comic industry finally recovered from Ron Perelman bankrupting Marvel.

 

Big John: But how long will it take for comic books to recover after Bill Jemas?

 

>(Comet hits the store.)

>Sound effect: BRAKKOOM!

 

Tom: Aw man, I don't think my insurance is going to cover this one.

Crow: Should have gotten the comet option for the additional $1200 a month.

Angel: Is there a point to this page?

Mike: Well, so far there's been no point to anything.

 

>(Scene change. Ted typing on laptop; Jane nearby talking to him.)

>Ted: Jane, this is it!

 

Tom (as Ted): I'm about to hit level 50 on Everquest!

Crow (as Ted): I finally hacked into the last anti-Ted Turner site and trashed it!

Big John (as Ted): I found me some really hot cyberporn!

 

(Angel stares daggers at Big John.)

 

>Jane: It, what?

 

Mike: Huh?

 

>Ted: A blazing meteor shower just started. In exactly five minutes, one colossal asteroid will strike AOLon.

 

Angel: Look, I know AOL hasn't been the best of ISPs, but they're working on it…

Tom (sings): Oh they call it AOL/ But it's more like AOhell…

 

>Jane: Ted, what does that mean?

 

Crow: It means you can kiss your silicone breasted, liposuctioned ass good-bye!

 

>Ted: It means the end,

 

Tom: Oh no! Not The Beginning of the End again!

Crow and Mike: Don't remind us of that.

 

>for you, for me, our son… our entire world.

 

Mike: Well, that's no big loss there.

Big John: So Ted Turner and Jane Fonda are still alive and well in the year 5002.

Angel: This is Jemas writing.

 

>Unless…

 

Crow: We stop this right now?

Tom: I wouldn't get my hopes up.

 

>Jane: Unless what?

>Ted: Here you go.

 

Angel: Having her put on a baseball cap will save the world?

Mike: I don't get either.

 

>Ted: No time to explain

 

Tom (sings): No time at all/ No time this time…

 

>Ted: Come on, AOLstro.

 

Big John (as AOLstro): Shut up and keep the snausages coming!

 

>Jane: I'm afraid AOLstro may be too old to help.

 

Mike: Don't let that stop him.

 

>Ted: Right. Stay, AOLstro, stay.

 

Big John (as AOLstro): Only if I get more Snausages!

 

>Ted: Whoooooooooooooooow

 

Crow (as Ted): Take a look at my wealth and be jealous!

 

>Look, everyone, the chop works! Let's all do this together and we can save the planet.

 

Angel: One well-placed karate chop saves the world. Riiigghhhtt….

 

>Man: You expect thousands of people to gather together and chant like Hollywood Indians. Are you nuts?!

 

Tom: Well, it's better than just standing there.

 

>Man: Cease and desist at once.

 

All: PLEASE!!

 

>Your chopping exaggerates and trivializes ancient Native American rituals for the sake of a stupid baseball game.

 

Mike: I don't hear any other suggestions out of the peanut gallery!

 

>Jane: But this isn't a stupid baseball game. We're saving the world.

 

Crow: One burnt arm at a time!

 

>Man: Nevertheless.

>Jane: Ted, this is horrible.

 

All: You can say that again.

 

>Our child is so young, and our world will be destroyed.

 

Tom: Why don't you just go into a bomb shelter? You should be safe there.

Big John: Because this wasn't planned out.

 

>Ted: Fear not.

 

Crow (as Baldric in Black Adder): I have a cunning plan that will solve all our problems!

 

>Jane: Fear what not?

 

Angel: When we die, we'll all be going to hell, no problem.

 

>Ted: Maybe…

 

Big John: This dialogue brought to you by the non-sequitirs of America. Why make sense when you can say something completely illogical?

 

>This rocket ship can fly our sun safely to the planet Earth.

 

Tom (sings): By rocket to the moon…

 

>Jane: Ted, honey, that's a hare-brained scheme.

 

Crow: You wascally wabbit!

 

>Ted: That's what they all said about TBS, and CNN, and TNT.

 

Mike: Well, two out of four isn't bad.

 

>Jane: And the Goodwill Games.

 

Angel: Make that three out of five.

 

>Ted: I wanted to construct an enormous rocket capable of flying the entire population of AOLon to Earth, but those fools on the board wouldn't listen.

 

Tom: Looks like they're taking after their leader here.

 

>Jane: But…

 

Crow: Wouldn't sending a child up in a rocket be like putting him directly in the line of fire?

 

>Ted: Fortunately, my prototype can fly one child to Earth.

>Jane: But Teddy-bear, this is Earth. You bought Earth and renamed it AOLon.

 

Mike: Don't sass me woman! It's a great plan!

 

>Ted: I did what?!?

 

Big John: Well, you made a punctuation error there.

 

>Why didn't I name it "Turner"?

 

Angel: Probably the same reason you keep making punctuation errors.

 

>Jane: You did; then when you were flipping it to AOL, you called it AOLon.

 

Tom: We're still waiting for the silly part!

Crow: Pearl was right, Marvel's going to be sued over this big-time.

 

>Ted: Now I remember.

 

Mike: Just in time to be too late.

 

>I sold the entire Earth and everything on it to AOL. But what did they give me in return?

 

Big John: Stupidity!

 

>Jane: Stock.

 

All: Same thing!

 

>We're running out of time.

 

Angel (as Jane): And we still have 20 pages to kill!

 

>Ted: Time, that's it!

 

Tom (sings): But time won't give me time…

 

>Jane: Time?

 

Crow (as Jane): Dang! My watch stopped!

 

>Ted: Exactly.

 

Big John: Could you be a little more vague, please?

 

>We can save our son by sending him back in time.

 

Mike: Gee, first a rip-off of Superman's origin, now a rip-off of Back to the Future. Jemas, GET AN ORIGINAL IDEA!!

 

>Jane: This is serious, and seriously, there is no such thing as time travel.

 

Angel: Let's get things like dialog and punctuation right before we go into deep philosophical thinking.

 

>Ted: Yes there is.

 

Mike (as Ted): Don't sass me, woman! This is my story and I'm doing what I want!

 

>Jane: Okay, describe the mechanism.

 

Tom: Well, you take the doohickey, stick it in the thingamabob, put the dials on the right settings, press the button and hope it works.

 

>Ted: Pardon?

>Jane: How does it work?

 

Big John: You wouldn't understand.

 

>Ted: I utilize dilithium crystals to alter the space/time continuum.

 

Crow: Now we've got Star Trek involved in this. Man, you're really racking up the litigants, Jemas!

 

>Jane: These are just parts of an old Playstation 1 and a couple of Atari controllers.

 

Angel: Like a woman in her right mind would be able to spot that right off the bat. Well, a woman with a life, anyway.

 

>Ted: We have no time to lose.

 

Mike: To the basement! Let's get our loser son and shove him back in the 20^th century where he'll fit in with other loser kids!

 

>KalAOL, mommy and daddy have something important to tell our special boy.

 

Big John: We're taking your room and renting it out to someone who can pay. Get off your duff and get a job, you slackard!

 

>KalAOL: Ease up on the baby talk, pop. I'm, like, eighteen.

 

Crow (as Ted): Then act your age, boy! Get off that couch and get a job!

 

>Ted: Son, we must send you back in time.

 

Tom (sings): Gotta double back in time…

 

>KalAOL: Any particular reason?

 

Angel: We've still got 12 pages to kill?

 

>Ted: The world will end in exactly two minutes, and you'll be the sole survivor.

 

Mike: I say we vote him off the island now!

 

>KalAOL: What about you guys?

 

Crow: Don't worry about us. We'll get along just fine without you. Vice versa is another story.

 

>Ted: You see, son, our tragic deaths will give you a heightened sense of responsibility.

 

Big John: We want you to sabotage Marvel comics and prevent this series from occurring in the first place!

 

>KalAOL: Huh?

>Jane: Just humor him. And don't worry, it's not going to vaporize you.

 

Tom: Kill you in other ways, yes. But not by vaporization.

 

>KalAOL: Well, if you're sending me away, at least gimme one of those green crystals with all the knowledge of the universe.

 

Angel: Son, you are on your own here.

 

>Ted: Can't help you there, but this disc gives you one hundred free minutes…

 

Mike: Of course, it has a one-hour time limit on it…

 

>Ted: You also need to wear this special travel suit.

 

Crow: And in the past, the word dork was a term of affection.

 

>KalAOL: Sure, but what's "Marvel"?

 

Big John: A bad comic book company about to go into the toilet?

 

>Ted: You see, Dad's Comic Company (DCC) sucked. They couldn't make a decent comic book.

 

Tom: And this is any better?

Angel: Glass houses, Jemas.

 

>So, I had to buy Marvel.

 

Mike: I sincerely doubt the government would allow two companies with 40% of the market merge into one company.

 

>The only problem was that two total dunces named Joe and Bill

 

Crow: Ruined the company before I could get my grubby meathooks on it!

 

>got to cash in their options and

 

Big John: make a bigger mess of Marvel than it is now.

 

>make a freakin' fortune.

 

Tom: It was money I couldn't get my hands on!

 

>Jane: Then your father put Paul in charge of Marvel.

 

Mike: So you're responsible for Marvel going downhill. You admitted it, Jemas!

Angel: What's the point of this? Jemas, you're rambling on WAY too long!

 

>KalAOL: But Dad, nobody ever heard of Marvel. What the heck did Uncle Paul do?

 

Crow: He desperately tried to save everything.

 

>(Jane gives KalAOL a kiss on the cheek.)

 

Big John: Man, she really earned hazard pay there.

 

>(KalAOL enters the machine, and then gets zapped away.)

 

Tom: Bye-bye! Don't forget to write!

 

(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and Tom are standing there.)

 

Mike: Son, we've got to send you back in time!

Tom: Send me back in time? Dad, isn't that dangerous?

Angel: Our world is about to end in two minutes. You'll be the sole survivor.

Tom: But couldn't you send yourselves back in time as well?

Mike: There's not enough time. Just go, our young Tom Servo. Journey back in time and save yourself!

Tom: Oh daddy, I couldn't leave you!

Angel: You have to leave us, Tom! Go now!

 

(Tom goes over to a machine, and enters it.)

 

Tom: All right, I'm going. But I wish you would come along.

 

(Mike goes up to the machine, and pushes a button.)

 

Mike: Goodbye son, we'll miss you…

 

(The machine buzzes.)

 

Angel: Is he gone yet?

Mike: Yes.

 

(Enter Crow, Gypsy, and Big John. They have party favors and other party items. Commercial sign comes on.)

 

All: Party time!

 

(Music plays, and they start to party. Suddenly Tom enters.)

 

Tom: Wait a minute! You lied to me!

Mike: Well Tom, we're just doing what they did in today's experiment.

Big John: We've got commercial sign.

Angel: We'll be right back.

 

(Commercials. Sugar-coated, slicked up junk you don't want or need crammed down your throat. When we come back, Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)

 

>(Ted and Jane are holding each other.)

 

Mike: Say, what happened to the asteroid shower?

Angel: I wouldn't get my hopes up for an explanation here.

 

>Jane: Honey, did you vaporize our son?

 

Crow (as Ted): Honey, you don't want to know.

 

>Ted: Don't be ridiculous.

 

Big John: She'd have to leave this comic book first.

 

>The child is perfectly safe and sound, three thousand years ago.

 

Tom (as Ted): I left him here, in what used to be the African-American section of Gary, Indiana.

 

>Jane: Ted, maybe we should follow him.

 

Angel: Ward, I'm worried about the beaver…

 

>Ted: That could be risky.

 

Mike (as Ted): C'mon! We're finally free of that waste of a human life! I say we live it up!

 

>Jane: Well, can I send him something?

 

Crow: A kick me sign on his back is a little too juvenile, don't you think?

 

>(KalAOL is back in the past. Three guys are standing around him.)

 

>African-American man: Cool, Marvel Enterprises.

 

Tom: Cool and Marvel are becoming a contradiction in terms.

 

>Do you know Joe Quesada?

 

Mike (Torgo voice): Do YoU hAvE mIkE oViTz'S nUmBeR?

 

>KalAOL: No, but my dad is friends with Paul Levitz.

 

Big John: This kid is like Marty McDork.

 

>(The guys walk away from him.)

 

Angel (sings): You came into my life/ And like a perfect stranger/ Walked away/ Walked away…

 

>KalAOL: Hey guys! Betcha I can leap…

>… tall…

>…buildings…

>Crap.

 

Crow (as Hans of Hans and Frans): Ah, you jump like a little girly man.

 

>(Suddenly the dog from earlier appears.)

>KalAOL: AOLstro!

 

Tom: I wanted something useful like money, and instead they give me you!? I knew my parents hated me!

 

>This sucks.

 

All: You can say that again!

 

>I didn't go to a place with lighter gravity, so I'm not super-strong.

 

Mike: But he makes up for it by being whiny and idiotic.

 

>The earth's yellow sun don't mean squat to me.

 

Angel: Well, let's see you live without it for a while. Better pack your thermal underwear. Oh wait, you don't have any.

 

>No x-ray vision.

 

Big John: No life either. The hot babe sure is a nice touch, though.

Crow: I think Jemas believes as long as he keeps the hot babes in skimpy clothing coming, he's going to sell books.

 

>I come all the way from the future and all I have to show for it is this stupid shirt.

 

Tom (as AOLstro): Don't forget about me! And where are my snausages?

 

>(AOLstro runs out into traffic.)

 

Mike (as AOLstro): I don't want to be in this comic book anymore! I'm gonna kill myself rather than be paired with a loser like you! And I haven't gotten any snausages yet!

Crow: Mike, Mike, Mike… what have we told you about death in the Marvel universe?

Mike (reciting): Death is but temporary in Marvel.

 

>(KalAOL rushes out to save AOLstro. A cab driver nearly hits them.)

 

Angel (sings): Don't cross the street/ In the middle in the middle in the middle of the block/ Use your eyes to look out/ Use your ears to hear…

 

>KalAOL: Sweet, I just stopped time.

 

Big John: No, it just feels that way.

 

>Mickey: Are you all right?

 

Tom: Well, using that term extremely loosely, yes.

 

>KalAOL: Did you see that?

 

All: Unfortunately, yes.

 

>I moved at lightning speed.

>Mickey: No, I jammed on the brakes or you'd be roadkill.

 

All: You should have kept going!

 

>It appears that my journey through time

 

Crow: Has made me even stupider than before!

 

>gave me the ability to freeze time. I need to go to Washington DC and see the President.

 

Big John: I need to find the one and only person in the world that makes me look smart in comparison!

 

>Mickey: Did you bang your head?

 

Mike (sings): Bang your head/ Mental health will drive you mad!

Tom: Oh God. Not you and your precious 80's again.

 

>KalAOL: I'm fine. I just need a lift to Penn station.

 

Angel: It's not too late to run him over, girlfriend!

 

>Mickey: Okay, but…

 

Crow: Leave that festering pile of fleas and drool here!

 

>Don't you want to go home and change out of your PJ's?

 

Big John: and into a straightjacket?

 

>KalAOL: I know it sounds crazy, but I'm from the future.

 

Mike: You're from the future? So who wins the Super bowl this year?

 

>Mickey: Crazy is fine. Just don't tell me you can't pay the fare.

 

Tom: I'll take you to Belleview!

 

>KalAOL: Let's stop at a bank.

 

Crow: Oh, come on. I can see where this is going from a mile away! Thanks for being exceptionally predictable, Jemas! Any idiot can see he's not going to have any money, but the woman's going to take pity on him and take him in.

 

>ATM: Rejected –

 

Tom: I was so sure that cash register next door liked me!

 

>This machine has retained your card. Please see the bank manager.

 

Angel: You're not getting it back. Loser!!

 

>Mickey: I'm outta here.

 

Big John (sings): She said no condo, no M.B.A. no BMW/ Got no time for you!

Angel (as Mickey): No money, huh? You just lost your only shot at being halfway acceptable!

 

>KalAOL: Chill for a minute, I'll talk to the manager.

 

Mike (As KalAOL): I'll get as far with him as I did with you!

 

>Mickey: Listen pal, I'm cutting my losses at three dollars. Have a good life.

 

All (as Mickey): As long as it doesn't involve me!

 

>KalAOL: Wait, what is your name?

 

Tom (sings): What's your name? Little girl/ What's your name?

 

>Mickey: Who's asking?

 

Angel: That would be Captain Loser there.

 

>KalAOL: I'm KalAOL - - I'm from…

 

Crow: You know, this kid is like that guy in Future War, only he has a lot less personality.

 

>Mickey: … the future. Right. I'm Mickey.

 

Big John (sings): Oh Mickey/ You're so fine/ You're so fine you blow my mind/ Hey Mickey…

Tom: Don't you join in on Mike's 80's tirade, Big John.

 

>KalAOL: Mickey, I'm a little lost, and this millennium, you are the only person I know.

 

Mike: Well, this is the perfect opportunity for you to find some other losers to latch onto!

 

>Mickey: The only sucker.

 

Tom (as Mickey): Jeez, can't you take a hint? I don't like you! Get lost!

 

>Banker: Your card has not expired. That's the good news.

 

Crow: But you're severely overdrawn at the reality bank!

 

>KalAOL: Awesome news!

>Banker: Here's the bad news, your account does not open for another three thousand years.

 

Angel: Frankly, you don't deserve a single cent.

 

>KalAOL: How much money is in there?

 

Big John: Exactly what you're worth. Nothing!

 

>Banker: Quite a bit, actually; every member of Ted and Jane's family has a perpetual trust account worth one hundred million dollars.

 

Tom: But why they made one for you is beyond me.

 

>In fact, this is all yours, but you can't have it for three thousand years.

 

Mike: Nanny-nanny boo-boo. We've got the money you can't have!

 

>KalAOL: Come on, help me out here. I'm completely broke and homeless.

 

Crow: We're letting you speak to the manager, and that's more than you should get.

 

>Banker: We can't treat our money supply like a personal bank account.

 

Big John: Well, Ken Lay does! And that guy from Tyco, and the MCI WorldCom guys…

 

>KalAOL: But it is my personal bank account. Can I talk to the bank president?

 

Angel: See previous riffs.

 

>Banker: I don't report to him or anyone else.

 

Tom: Just like Ken Lay, hmm?

 

>My name is Alan Greenspan. I don't work that way.

 

Mike: A cheap shot at the Federal Reserve Board, hmm? Man, Jemas is piling on the litigants…

 

>I'm famous for creating unprecedented economic prosperity in the 1990's.

 

Crow: Yea, by letting businesses cook their books and the foundation of dot com money!

 

>KalAOL: Great… what have you done lately?

 

Angel (sings): What have you done for me lately?

 

>Mickey: Did he say you have one million dollars?

 

Big John: Don't do it, girlfriend! Remember what happened to Darva Conger!

 

>KalAOL: Yea, but all I got was this stupid toaster.

 

Tom: How much do you think I can get on eBay for it?

 

>(Greenspan at his desk holding the money.)

 

Mike (as Greenspan): Sucker! Now I get to keep your money for myself!

 

>Alan: Stop, thief!

 

Crow: Maybe if you asked politely he'd stop.

 

>Mickey: If you really have the power to stop time, you could have stopped that thief.

 

Angel (as Mickey): Your only superpower is your superhumanly inflated ego and stupidity! I'm getting out while the getting's good.

 

>Alan: You idiot!

>Now the bank lost one hundred million dollars.

 

Big John: Well, who was the one who gathered that much money in one spot just to demonstrate to KalAOL that he didn't have it in the first place? You could have used a bag of shredded newspaper, you know. Much cheaper. Heck, you didn't even need the thing in the first place!

Tom (a la High School Big Shot): One million dollars…

 

>KalAOL: Want your toaster back?

 

Mike (as Alan): Gimme that thing! I'll clobber you in the head with it, you idiotic brat!

Crow: You know, KalAOL is even more of a brat than Ricky was in that Dakota North experiment we had a year ago on the SOL.

Mike, Tom & Big John (simultaneously): Don't remind us of that one.

 

>AOLstro, no!

 

Big John: Depression day dinner, right here!

Angel: That's disgusting, Big John.

Tom: Can this get any worse?

 

>No way!

 

Mike: With Jemas involved, there's always a way to make things worse.

 

>Did the same robber who I didn't stop run out here and kill my lazy, drooly old dog?

 

Big John: No big loss if he did.

 

>Officer: No sir. What happened is the alleged perpetrator slipped on your dog's drool puddle. That means you get a one hundred million dollar reward.

 

Crow: This has more lack of reality in it than Teenagers from Outer Space did!

 

>Woman: How ironic is that?

 

Angel: About as ironic as touting a work of yours as being the greatest thing of all time and having it skewered by us.

 

>Policeman: Which, by coincidence, is the same amount we have here.

 

Tom (as KalAOL): Cool! It's even got my name on it too!

Mike (as Mickey): Oh, by the way, I left the meter running. Your fare is now $500,000.

 

>KalAOL: I knew it. I'm a superhero. You want to be my sidekick.

 

All: Don't do it! He's a loser!

 

>Mickey: Thanks for walking me home, kid.

 

Big John (as Mickey): Because my taxi seems to have magically vanished,

 

>I'll see ya around.

 

Crow (sings): Whenever you want me/ I'll be there/ Whenever you need me/ I'll be there/ I'll be around…

 

>KalAOL: Why are you blowing me off?

 

Tom (as KalAOL): I got lots of money now, babe. You should be wanting to date me.

Angel: Do you want the 5-minute version or the full 3,000 year one?

 

>Mickey: Let's see.

 

Mike (as Mickey): There's so much wrong with you that I don't know where to begin!

 

>You don't have any superpowers…

>… because you didn't come from the future…

>… because time travel is not possible.

 

Big John: You forgot the part about him being a total idiot!

Crow: You know, I'm beginning to think that KalAOL is a Mary Sue.

 

>And I'm nobody's sidekick.

 

Tom (as KalAOL): All right, could I be your sidekick?

 

>KalAOL: I'm telling the truth.

 

Mike (as KalAOL): Let me give you the toaster as a sign of affection. Oh wait – it magically vanished!

 

>Mickey: Sure you are.

 

Angel (as Mickey): Look, I blew you off, now take a hint!

 

>KalAOL: Do I look like a liar?

 

Big John: A total idiot and a big time loser, sure! Liar – well, frankly, who cares?

 

>Mickey: You look more like a dork than a liar.

 

All: You tell him!

 

>KalAOL: Aww, man, these are not my clothes, and…

 

Tom (as KalAOL, whining): I'm not really a comic book geek! Please, you've got to believe me…

Angel (as Mickey): Dude, what part of NO!!! do you not understand?

 

>Mickey… I really am all alone.

 

Big John: All alone/ All alone/ All by myself…

 

>Mickey: Listen, KalAOL…

 

Crow (as Mickey): I'll make it as plain as I can: LEAVE ME ALONE!!

 

>… do you have a nickname?

 

Mike: Captain loser!

Tom: I thought it was Winky the kid!

Angel: This guy sounds like he's from Wisconsin.

 

>KalAOL: Orel.

 

Big John: So does that make her nickname Anel?

 

(Not amused, Angel and Mike strike Big John.)

 

Big John: OW!

 

>Mickey: Let's go with Al?

 

Crow: Al's down the street, he lives in a cardboard box. You can't miss him.

 

>You can crash here tonight.

 

Mike: I'll do the burning of you while you're asleep.

 

>We'll try to find you a place to rent in the morning.

 

Angel: And get you out of my life for good!

 

>Then again, in your tax bracket, you should buy a co-op.

 

Tom: And sleep with a bunch of chickens and cows in the coop!

 

>KalAOL: Tax bracket?

 

Big John: You've never paid taxes before? Tsk, tsk…

 

>Mickey: Tell me you have no taxes in the future.

 

Crow: Well, here we do. (to Servo) I still can't believe you had me owing $50,000!

Tom: Well, anyone can make a mistake…

 

>KalAOL: Well, we do pay a monthly subscription fee to AOL.

 

Mike: Which is higher than any other ISP out there, but that's o.k., because they're the only one out there!

 

>Mickey: How much?

>KalAOL: You know, fifty percent of all defined gross income.

 

All: Fifty percent!?

Angel: If they had taxes that high now, there'd be rioting in the streets.

Big John: Well, in some countries, the tax rate is that high. In the USA, it's about 33% of everything on average.

 

>Mickey: Listen, you are going to need some ID to buy a co-op. Do you have a birth certificate, a social security number, or a driver's license?

 

Crow: I think a better question would be can he possibly get a life?

 

>KalAOL: Yeah, but I left it all in the future.

 

Tom: You'd forget your own head if it wasn't attached!

 

>Mickey: What did you bring?

 

Mike: Other than the fleabag.

Big John (as AOLstro): I'm still waiting for my Snausages!

Angel: I'm still waiting for the silly part.

 

>KalAOL: This computer disc – I get one hundred free minutes.

 

Tom: Which is 100 more than you should get!

 

>Mickey: Dude, you get four hundred free hours with a whopper at Burger King.

 

Crow: And now they have 1000 free hours that you have to use in 30 days!

Big John: Never you mind there are only 720 hours in 30 days.

Mike: I wonder what Mickey thinks of this script?

 

>Unbelievable!

 

Angel: Ask an obvious question, get an obvious answer.

 

>KalAOL: All of the world's online information for the next three thousand years.

 

Big John: Quick! Download all the porn!

Angel (not amused): Big John…

 

>And free sonic!

 

Tom: Well, even free, I still wouldn't eat at sonic.

Mike: What about that hedgehog?

Crow: You and your precious 80's again…

 

>Mickey: I'll be damned.

 

Angel: Being in that comic book, you're suffering a fate worse than hell, girlfriend.

 

>KalAOL isn't your secret identity. It's your real one.

 

Big John: It's still a lame-o name, though.

 

>Here are printouts of your birth certificate and social security card.

 

Mike: Which you somehow managed to find amongst all that data and print out in a matter of seconds!

 

>Caption: Later that day, Mickey and Al decide to see a Broadway play.

 

Angel (as KalAOL): Mickey, what's this drama "The Bridges of Madison County" thing?

 

>On their way, they stop in a dark alley to buy tickets from a scalper.

 

Tom: So much for holding up the law.

 

>KalAOL: In the future, big-time scalpers call themselves Ticket Masters.

 

Crow: And in the future, big time bad writers are called Jemases!

 

>Mickey: Some things never change.

 

Big John (sings): You say things are gonna change/ Well the more things change the more they stay the same!

 

>KalAOL: That scalper is getting robbed.

 

Mike: Quick! Throw yourself on the knife to keep him from dying!

 

>Mickey: Let's just back out of here.

 

Angel (as Mickey): But, being the voice of reason, nobody's going to listen to me anyway.

 

>KalAOL: There is a reason why I was sent here and given super powers.

 

Big John (as a voice from on high): KalAOL… we screwed up. Give up the money and the babe at once. We're sending you back to the future where you will get killed.

 

>It was to save the world and stuff.

>Mickey: Stop, it's too dangerous.

 

Tom: You hate his guts but you're stopping him from killing himself?

Crow: Let this idiot get his head blown off!

 

>KalAOL: It's you, from the bank.

 

Mike (As KalAOL): How did you get out of police custody so fast?

Angel (as the robber): A good lawyer can do just about anything these days.

 

>Robber: It's me with a knife.

 

Big John: The club didn't work, so I got something better.

 

>I'm gonna get you and your little dog too.

 

Crow (as the wicked witch of the west): I'll get you my pretty… and your little dog too! Hahahahahahaha!

 

>Mickey: Al, they're both criminals. Why are you doing this?

 

Tom: My theory is Bill Jemas wanted to pad his bank account.

 

>KalAOL: For truth.

>(The thief lunges with the knife, missing the dodging KalAOL.)

 

Mike: It seems like Prince of Space, this guy's ability is to choose incompetent foes.

 

>Justice.

>(KalAOL strikes the thief's arm, hurting the thief.)

 

Angel: Amazing… in a city of several million people, KalAOL manages to find the one person even more incompetent than he is!

 

>And the American way.

 

Big John: With this guy's incredibly dumb luck, he should find and capture Ossama Bin Laden in no time at all!

 

>Scalper: It will cost you $500 for two tickets and I'm losing money on the deal.

 

Crow (As Mickey): Hey, these are two tickets to a 1975 Molly Hatchet concert – and they've already been used!

 

>KalAOL: I saved your life and you're ripping us off?

 

Tom: Welcome to reality, kid.

 

>Mickey: That's not justice.

 

Mike: Well, you were the ones dumb enough to go to a scalper in the first place!

 

>Scalper: Let's just call it the American way.

 

Angel: How did the lenses in your glasses turn clear all of the sudden?

Big John: Don't stress over the lack of continuity, just let it ride.

Crow: Like we've taught Mike, Marvel and continuity are mutually exclusive terms.

Tom: Well dude, poetic justice is about to strike you!

 

>(In the theater now. An usher has accosted KalAOL and Mickey.)

 

Mike: We're not going to allow any Marvelville in here, mister!

 

>Usher: Okay, pal, get your dirty, lazy, drooly, farty old dog outta here.

 

Angel (as KalAOL): He won't leave me until I get something called Snausages. Do you know what they are?

Big John: And girlfriend, take the other dog with you as well!

 

>Mickey: My friend here is blind, and this is his seeing eye dog.

 

Crow: To like this comic book, you'd have to be blind.

Tom (as Mickey): Gawd, I can't believe I'm lying for this idiot!

 

>Usher: I wasn't born yesterday, lady.

 

Mike (as KalAOL): Well, I was born 5,000 years into the future! You wanna see things in the future?

 

>This guy ain't blind

 

Angel: But his ability to act is utterly appalling and makes Ed Wood's actors look good in comparison.

 

>and that do's so old he can barely see.

 

Crow (as Tommy Flanagan): Well, one of us is blind… it's the dog! Yea, that's the ticket!

 

>Mickey: Of course he's blind. Look at how he dressed himself.

 

Tom: Definitely won't make Mr. Blackwell's best-dressed list.

 

>Usher: Point well taken. It wouldn't be easy to look stupider.

 

Big John: So now they're ADMITTING this idiot is lame? Give me a break!

 

>KalAOL: Listen, tool, this is not a stupid costume!

 

Mike: It's my real skin!

Angel: Listen tool? Sure, they're not a bad band…

 

>My father gave this to me before he put me in the time machine.

 

Crow: Sure, I may have loser up the wazoo, but the name Marvel means quality… or at least, it used to.

 

>Usher: Out now before I call the cops.

 

All: Good idea.

 

(Commercials. More sugar-coated junk hawked at you by impossibly busty women and impossibly muscular men, whichever your sexual preference is. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots are standing around a computer.)

 

Mike: Well, we've managed to fill everything out, and put it in the computer. Let's see what it says…

 

(Sheets of paper start printing out on the computer.)

 

Big John: Ah, the waiting's always the hardest part.

Angel: Well, I'm kinda afraid of what yours will turn out to be.

 

(Mike pulls up a sheet, and starts reading.)

 

Mike: Well Angel, it says here you've scored an 89.3 on the scale.

Angel (sighs): Well, that's a relief.

Mike: The only thing it says you can do to improve your performance is not be so uptight about sex.

 

(Everyone stares daggers at Big John.)

 

Big John: Oh, sure. Blame me for this.

 

(Mike reads another sheet of paper.)

 

Mike: Crow, you've got a 71.3 on the scale.

Crow: Whew! I passed again!

Mike: It says you can stop treating Tom as your personal… slave?

Crow (To Tom): I do not treat you like my personal slave!

Tom: Oh yea!? Well, who's the one that's been leaving all their toys out, hmm?

Mike: Guys, come on, relax. (takes another piece of paper) Gypsy. You've got a 98.9 on the scale.

Gypsy: I did? Yes!

Mike: It says you're the backbone of this station, and you're going to be on top.

 

(Mike reads another piece of paper.)

 

Mike: Crow. You got a 71.3 on the scale.

Tom: Ha! My score was still first!

Crow: My score's better than your score!

Big John: Can't we all just get along?

 

(Mike reads another sheet of paper.)

 

Mike: Here's my score… an 88.6… It says I can improve by… not being such a Wisconsinite?

Big John: Don't worry, Mike. We all have our faults.

 

(Mike reads the last sheet of paper.)

 

Mike: I'm afraid to look at this one… Big John… you get a 12.

Big John: Twelve!? Twelve out of a possible 100!?

Mike: It says you're to obsessed with sex and that your workouts in the gym leave the place a mess.

Big John: But I don't work out! I'm a robot, I don't need to work out!

 

(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)

 

Mike: Oh, great. We got comic book sign!

 

(Door sequence. Theatre of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)

 

Big John: A freakin' 12! Jeez. I'm not bad, I'm just programmed that way.

 

>Robber: Your money or your life.

 

Tom: Considering he has neither, there's no point in robbing him.

 

>KalAOL: Not you again.

 

Big John (as KalAOL): Can't Jemas come up with more characters? Jeez, this guy has the creativity of a gnat!

 

>Robber: Me with a gun.

 

Mike: And a piece of tape on your nose for no apparent reason.

Angel: Considering how he's botched two attempts to rob people in one day, why doesn't this loser just go home?

 

>Mickey: It's about time you figured out the gun thing.

 

Crow (as Mickey): Here. Give it to me and I'll show you how it works.

Tom (as Mickey): Flowers for me? Oh, how thoughtful!

 

>KalAOL: I think, maybe,

 

Big John: You think? That's something new to me.

 

>I can go faster than a speeding bullet.

 

Mike: Go ahead, try to outrun it… PLEASE!!

 

>Mickey: I think, maybe,

 

Angel: I was a huge fool to let you in my life! Get out of my sight now!

 

>you should test that in a more controlled environment.

 

Crow: So innocent bystanders like me don't have to be in harm's way.

 

>Robber: Shut up. Give me your money.

 

Tom (as the robber): I saw how you got that bag full of shredded newspaper and I want it now!

 

>Mickey: I'm broke.

 

Big John: So that's why you're hanging around this loser… can you say meal ticket?

 

>Robber: Empty your pockets.

>KalAOL: I don't have pockets.

 

Mike (as KalAOL): But I've got this huge cavern in my head…

 

>Robber: Curses. Then I'll take your dog and sell him for medical experiments.

 

Crow (as AOLStro): Hell, I'll just go with you… he still hasn’t given me my Snausages yet!

Angel: They still haven't given us the silly part yet either.

 

>KalAOL: Run, AOLstro! Run!!!

 

Tom (sings): Run away from the office, from your old work shoes/ Run away from crime, and the big city blues…

 

>Sound effect: POW!

 

Big John: A moment of silence for the passing of this incompetent thief…

Mike: How do you know it was the thief that got it?

Big John: This is way too predictable.

Crow: I wonder if he thinks this story is good?

 

>KalAOL: Oh, no. No way.

 

Angel: You should have seen that coming from a mile away.

 

>Did the robber kill my dog (who is all I have left of my mother and father)?

 

Tom: If he did, it's a mercy killing.

 

>Did he leave me with nothing but a burning desire for revenge within my very soul?

 

Big John (as AOLstro): You never gave me my Snausages! I've left you for good!

 

>Policeman: No sir. When the alleged perpetrator dove for the leash, he got his head close to your dog's butt. Rover here blasts out one of his nasty dog farts, and he knocks the perp out cold.

 

Mike: The dog's the one with the most intelligence in the story.

 

>And you get another huge bag of reward money.

 

Crow: Amazing… he gets a huge reward for capturing a two-bit hood in New York City.

 

>Mickey: Could you possibly be more lame or more lucky?

 

Angel: Maybe if his name was Jemas…

 

>KalAOL: Can you possibly give a guy a break?

 

Tom: What do you say, should we give him a break?

 

(Brief pause.)

 

All: NAH!

 

>It's like my whole life has been just one long, contrived DC comic book story.

 

Big John: I'd say it's more like a Marvel story… they're DC stories done worse.

 

>Mickey: How does it make you feel?

 

Mike (Sings): Tell me how does it feel? To be on your own…

 

>KalAOL: Stupid.

 

All: We know you are!

 

>(Back in the future, Ted and Jane are milling around.)

 

Crow: Hey, what happened to the assault of the meteors?

Angel: I wouldn't hold my breath for an explanation.

 

>Jane: So Ted, it may be a bit too late to ask you this.

 

Tom (as Jane): Can we have another child? This time, can we have one that's not such an idiot?

 

>Ted: Late?

>Jane: I mean now that you've vaporized our son.

 

Big John (as Ted): Best thing for the lad.

 

>Ted: Vaporized. Nonsense. He's safe and sound in the year 2002.

 

Mike: Well, about as safe as one can be during an economic recession…

Crow: I think this proves that his parents didn't like KalAOL. If they could have sent him back in time to any point in history, why did they choose a time of recession?

Tom: Good point there.

 

> Jane: Okay, but my question is do you think you may have miscalculated that asteroid impact?

 

Angel (as Jane): Considering we're still fine and well when there's supposed to be asteroids falling all around us.

 

>Ted: Just think of the grand adventures KalAOL must be having.

 

Big John: You know, back in the past without any ID or money… why, I bet he's having a wonderful time in a discarded cardboard box right now!

 

>Jane: Can you bring him back?

 

Crow (as Ted): Come on, woman. We're finally rid of the brat! I say we live it up!

 

>Ted: Well, no.

 

All (as Ted): Thank goodness!

 

>See the time machine is here, and he's, well… there.

 

Tom (as Ted): Woman, you want to see him again, go back in time yourself! I can't stomach the boy.

 

>But we can send him something else.

>(Back in the past, KalAOL is walking down a street with Mickey.)

 

Mike: Wow! Daytime sure comes fast in Marvelville.

 

>KalAOL: But I still want to be a super hero. What do you think?

 

Angel (as Mickey): I still think you're a loser and an idiot… but you're a rich idiot. As soon as I've spent all your money, I'll be leaving you!

 

>Mickey: I think that your utter lack of superpowers may be problematic.

 

Crow (as Mickey): But your lack of a brain is a bigger handicap!

 

>KalAOL: I could start to do things the Marvel way.

 

Tom: Oh, you mean throw away all continuity and reinvent your origin again, hmm?

 

>You know, have a realistic lifestyle with a job and everything,

 

Mike: In today's economy, good luck, pal.

 

>and then fight crime out of my sense of responsibility.

>And you can be my sidekick.

 

Angel (as Mickey): I think I'd rather you be my sidekick. I'm the one with the brain cell, after all.

 

>(Suddenly a bright light appears before them.)

>Sound effect: FRZAPP!

 

Big John (as God): Damn! Missed another idiot again!

 

>KalAOL: Look, my parents sent me something from the future.

 

Crow: Do you think it could be something that might be useful?

 

(brief pause.)

 

All: NAH!

 

>Mickey: Sweet, what is it – a phaser, a transporter, what?

>KalAOL: Clean underwear.

 

Tom: I think this proves that nobody likes you, KalAOL.

Mike (as KalAOL): All the money I got as a reward is nothing compared to this!

 

>To be continued!

 

Angel: And we get stuck with this for the next SIX WEEKS!

Crow: Thank goodness this is over!

Pearl (Voice over): Wrong, bowling pin brain… there's a nice little bonus section, and it's just as bad! Hehehehehehehe…

Big John: We can beat this, guys. We faced some toughies in the past…. Ah, who am I kidding. We're doomed!

 

>Caption: Marvelville Bonus section

 

Tom: Extra pain at no extra charge!

Crow: Hey look, it's a copy of us doing Manos!

Tom: Well, this writing is about on par with that story.

 

>Cover to Marvelville #2

>On sale Oct. 2002

 

Mike: Now you know when to avoid the comic book shops.

Angel (as the woman there): Can I come in, I'm about to drop all this and it's soooo darned cold out here!

Big John: Well, I wouldn't mind it if she dropped everything.

Mike and Angel (simultaneously): Big John!

Big John: Still, you have to admit it's a nice cheap sales-boosting moment.

Mike: It's the consummate geek's paradise. Violent porno animae, a video game console, beer, and a babe to enjoy it all.

Angel: Just the things Jemas believes that the readers will never have.

 

>In the following eight pages, you will see some of the initial design work that went into creating the Marvelville characters you have just read about.

 

Crow: So they're lame-os by design! I should have guessed.

 

>It will give you a glimpse into the artistic process that brought KalAOL, Mickey and AOLstro to life.

 

Tom: This process is artistic?

Mike: I find that impossible to swallow too.

 

>Not satisfied with doing just simple sketches for approval, artist Mark Bright

 

Angel: Whose name will be forever associated with this trash,

Big John: Jemas is definitely of the school that says that if the artwork's good, don't worry about the writing.

 

>even went so far as to do a three page gag strip which gives the characters a little more personality.

 

Crow: Giving KalAOL one iota of personality is one iota more than zero!

 

>We liked it so much, we decided to get it all lettered and present it to you here as part of the extras.

 

Tom: It's too late to try to make up for something this bad!

 

>But not to worry,

 

Mike: The story's so bad that it'll fit in right along with the rest of this story.

 

>you will find traditional character sketches in here as well.

 

Angel: Does anyone really even care at this point?

Big John: I'd have to go with no on that one. By the way, we're STILL waiting for the silly part.

 

>We hope you like what you see. Enjoy!

 

Crow: Like there could be any enjoyment in this.

 

>Cover to Marvelville #3

 

Tom (sings): There's just two songs in me/ And this/ Number three…

Big John (as the woman): Why is it so drafty out here? I – OH MY GOD!!!

Angel (as the woman): EEEW. There's dog drool on my thong!

 

>On sale Nov. 2002

 

Mike: Now you know when to avoid comic shops again.

 

>Mickey: So, I see they still eat soup out of bowls in the future….

 

Crow: Just by looking at him? Wow! How did you do that, Miss Marple?

 

>KalAOL: What?

 

Tom (as KalAOL): Did I mention that I'm clueless?

 

>Mickey: That "bowl-cut" you're sporting around. Don't they have barbers in the future?

 

Big John (as KalAOL): Come on! Moe the stooge haircuts are really popular in the year 5002!

 

>Mickey: It's okay.

 

All: No it's not!

 

>I have yet to meet the haircut that a little mousse couldn't fix

 

Angel (sings): I bought $10 of gel/ $12 of mousse/ Australian shampoo and/ Rubber cement glue/ But I had a bad haircut…

 

>KalAOL: Now I understand what happened to the ozone layer.

 

Mike: Sure, we could have fixed it, but why?

 

>Mickey: I'll pretend that "bowlcut boy" didn’t make that remark.

 

Crow (as Mickey): Especially since this mousse has carbon dioxide as a propellant and not chlorofluorocarbons!

 

>Anyway, I work in the mousse while I undo my braids…

 

Tom: She must have a lot of talent to do that.

 

>…and in no time at all…

>… exit "Mickey the cabbie", enter "Mickey, the girl all the boys want to date."

 

Big John (Sings): She's the girl all the bad guys want…

All but Big John: HUH????

Big John: That's Bowling for Soup.

All but Big John: WHO???

Big John (sighs): Never mind…

Angel, Man? Don!t you hate it when they reverse punctuation:

 

> >Sniff-sniff<

 

Mike (as Mickey): Man, your dog smells horrible! When was the last time you gave it a bath. Oh wait a minute, that's you I'm smelling!

 

>you may want to take back that comment about what destroyed the ozone layer…

 

Crow (as AOLstro): I wouldn't pass so much gas if you had given me my Snausages like I asked!

 

>KalAOL: Hey, there's nothing wrong AOLstro that a little bit less fiber in his diet won't fix.

>AOLstro: Woof!

 

Tom (as AOLstro): You're finally going to get me some Snausages?

Big John: I wouldn't get my hopes up, boy.

 

>Mickey: We'll buy a Glade stick-up for him later…

>… but first…

 

Angel: We'll shoot him and put him out his misery. Then we'll shoot you and put you out of your misery.

 

>KalAOL: Hey!!! Is this stuff safe?

 

Mike (Obscenely cheerful): Sure! It's got a full day's supply of lead, cadmium, and mercury in it!

 

>Mickey: It's safe as baby oil.

 

Crow: And just as flammable!

 

>A fare I used to pick up at "the Garden" after Knicks games turned me onto it. Great suits on that guy…

 

Tom: Of course, his hair was horrific…

 

>KalAOL: You make oil out of babies?

 

Big John (Obscenely cheerful): Sure! Fur-bearing seals have plenty of oil on them!

Angel: Big John! That was not nice!

Big John: Oh, and anything we've said here so far is?

Crow: He's got a point there.

Angel (To Crow): Don't encourage him!

 

>Mickey: Now, let's see what we've got.

 

Mike (as Mickey): Hmm… nope. Still a loser and an idiot.

 

>Turn around… slowly… slowly… perfect.

 

Tom (sings): Turn around/ Turn around/ There's a thing there that can be found…

Big John (as Mickey): Now's my chance to give you the kick in the pants you need!

 

>KalAOL: My hair… it doesn't move when I shake my head. And it feels sort of… helmet-like.

 

Crow: I'm starting to feel like Jimmy Johnson!

 

>Mickey: That's because your hair is a wreck, folically-speaking.

 

Angel (as Mickey): But compared to the rest of you, your hair is the least of your worries.

Mike: Yet another Dan Quayle moment here, folliclally-speaking.

Big John: Frankly, this whole thing has been hair-brained.

 

>Don't you people in the future know about hair conditioner?

 

Tom (as KalAOL): Sure, it's the thing that keeps my room at 90 degrees when it's 225 outside…

Crow: That's air conditioner.

Tom: Like this idiot knows the difference.

 

>Oh, I forgot.

 

Angel (as Mickey): You're a complete idiot and total loser. I'm leaving you.

 

>You're still a teenaged male. You're still working on remembering to brush your hair let alone condition it.

 

Big John: I think we've got a few more serious problems than his hair here.

 

>Everyone's favorite dog – AOLstro!

 

Mike: Gee, and to think all this time I thought it was Lassie. I'm so glad he corrected us on that one.

Crow (as AOLstro): I still want my Snausages! I will bite if I don't get them!

 

>Final costume and design for KalAOL – the Marvel!

 

Tom: Marvel at what? His stupidity and idiocy? You know, there's absolutely NOTHING to endear you to him.

 

>Marvelville Afterward by Bill Jemas

 

All: We've heard enough already!

 

>Comics are easy for kids to understand because they are so wonderfully obvious.

 

Big John: Evidently, he's never read the Spider-Man: Maximum Clonage storyline.

Tom: Or the Psylocke/Revannche plot.

Crow: Or the Phoenix saga.

Angel: I think we get the idea now.

 

>Every hero's personality is shaped by his background.

 

Mike: What about that guy who has no past?

Big John: Well, since he's not a Marvel character, apparently, he doesn't count.

 

>And comics are fun for kids to read because super powers lend themselves to super action.

 

Tom: Everywhere but Marvel.

 

>And smart teenagers

 

Crow: Wisely avoid comics like this one.

 

>love it when smart comic writers use super powers as metaphors for real world, teen issues.

 

Angel: Well, you know that, but you don't do it.

 

>Spider-Man has great powers, but they are kind of sticky twitchy powers you get when you hit puberty.

 

Big John: Sticky twitchy?

Mike (Before Big John can say anything else): Don't even think it.

 

>Listen, a teenager with the keys to his Dad's car pretty much thinks he has the keys to the universe.

 

Tom: And some idiot who became president of a comic book company thinks he can write comic books.

 

>Teens love Spidey when he struggles with the kind of issues they deal with every day.

 

Crow: Like someone coming along and wanting to steal your soul, or how about facing someone who's superhumanly strong and looks like a Lizard?

 

>Batman has great wealth, but rather than joining the ranks of the idle rich, he builds a Batmobile, Bat Cave and Bat Gizmos for us in punishing criminals.

 

Angel (as Jemas): And I'm sooooo jealous of him!

 

>Don't you think the AV room (cave) could be used in punishing the heinous crimes of the football team (wedgies, noogies and purple nurples)?

 

Big John (as Jemas): All of which I got as a kid! I hated growing up!

 

>Superman came down from outer space (heaven).

 

Tom (sings): Heaven/ Heaven is a place/ A place where nothing/ Nothing ever happens.

 

>All powerful, he still struggles to overcome the evils that men do.

 

Mike: Like this comic book.

 

>Well-written Superman comic books explore the first religious dilemmas that kids can understand:

 

Crow: Why does God give all the money to those who least deserve it?

 

>"How can a kind and omnipotent God coexist with the cruelties of life on earth?"

 

Angel: Answer: He cannot. Next question please.

 

>So, superhero comics are great for kids because

 

Big John (as Jemas): They help fatten my wallet!

 

>they reduce very complex human psychology down to simple metaphors expressed through action-adventure stories.

 

Tom: So what is this comic book a metaphor for?

Mike: My guess is how gullible that the comic book buying public can be.

 

>Of course, most kids stop reading super-hero comics when they stop being kids, with two exceptions:

 

Crow: Number one: the children do not grow up. The illustration is a prime example of this type.

 

>First, there are millions of intelligent grown-ups

 

Angel: Who wisely stay away from this drek,

 

>(who help pay my salary)

 

Big John (as Jemas): PPPPLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE buy our comic books so we can actually make a profit this year!

 

>who still read comic books. They look past the metaphors, enjoy the characters for what they represent, and love when comic writers and artists place the characters in real-life situations and modern-day settings.

 

Tom: So how many of these things has Jemas done so far?

Mike: I'd have to go with none on that one.

 

>Second, there are thousands of grown-up true believers (who help pay my salary)

 

Crow: Well, we are seriously considering cutting you off, Jemas!

 

>who want to escape from reality, not read about it.

 

Big John (sings): You won't read about it/ Just another incredible scene/ There's no doubt about it…

 

>They fully embrace Marvel characters as expressed in comic books and hate when Marvel changes our "continuity" to make it consistant with life on Earth in the year 2002.

 

Angel: Marvel has continuity?

Tom: Well, they USED to.

 

>Marvelville pokes fun at both groups of grown-ups and the books we all love.

 

Mike: Well, we're making fun of them, so I guess turnabout is fair play…

 

>The first issue of Marvelville monkeys around with the second group of readers, the true believers.

 

Crow (as Jemas): Because we don't care about our readers anymore!

Big John: Then again, I don't think any comic book company really does much.

 

>Because so many of these readers love DC (Dogma Comics),

 

Mike: Gee, and to think all this time I thought it stood for Detective Comics… I'm so glad he corrected me on that one.

 

>the subtitle of Marvelville #1 is "Just Imagine Bill Jemas Creating the DC Universe"…

 

Angel: All right, let's imagine it for a moment…

 

(Brief pause.)

 

All: AAAAHHHH!!!

 

>The second issue of Marvelville monkeys with the first group of readers, the people who look for moral messages –

 

Tom: Anyone attempting to find a moral in this story will be shot.

 

>mostly in Marvel Comics. Thus, the subtitle of Marvelville #2: "What if Bill Jemas Created the Marvel Universe"…

 

Crow: Oh please, imagining what it would have been like for you to create the DC universe was bad enough.

 

>After that, the Marvelville characters are free to roam the real universe - hi-jinx to follow…

 

Big John: You know, we're still waiting for the silly part.

Mike: I wouldn't get my hopes up on getting it.

 

>(Bill Jemas' signature) Bill Jemas, August, 2002.

 

Angel: This guy should have been a doctor.

 

(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the bots are standing around the place.)

 

Crow: Whew! I'm glad that this one is over. I nearly had a logic circuit breakdown in the theater.

Big John: Me too. That was even worse than seeing Pearl naked.

Mike: Well guys, we've managed to break through another one.

 

(Brief pause. Suddenly all break down and cry. Angel and Mike embrace each other, crying on each other's shoulders.)

 

Crow: Ah, who are we kidding? This one is awful!

Big John: I know, Crow. I know.

 

(They cry for a little, and then stop.)

 

Tom: Guys, come on. We've faced some bad things before. We made it through the tough times of the Commission on Superhuman Activities. We made it through X-Statix #1. We built up a resistance to this stuff.

Crow: Yea… I know… let's go watch something good… what do you say?

Big John: Hey, I just got in the Lord of the Rings DVD version. Let's go watch that.

(Mads light comes on.)

Mike: Yea! Well, now we're all better. What do you have to say to that, Pearl?

 

(Castle Forrester. Pearl, Bobo and Observer are standing around a printer.)

 

Pearl: Well, here are the results of your performance reviews…

 

(Observer concentrates.)

 

Pearl: Hey Brain Guy, what's with the concentration?

Observer: Ah, well, I forgot to close the door to my room.

Pearl: Okay. (reads) Well, Brain boy, looks like you got another 100 on your review… which is very interesting, considering I gave you a 48…

Observer: Well, I guess Bobo's high ranking offset yours, lawgiver.

Bobo: But I only gave you an – (Observer stomps on Bobo's foot.) OW!

Pearl (looks at another page): Bobo, you got another 32. Congratulations, you've managed to get a failing grade on every performance review.

Bobo: Ooh… well, I do my best, lawgiver…

Pearl (Reads another page): Mine is… oh, how wonderful. A perfect 100. Isn't that great, guys?

 

(Deep INIT.)

 

Crow: 100 my load pan! You cheated!

 

(Castle Forrester.)

 

Observer: Well, if we do not give her a 100 every time, she gets extremely emotional and very violent.

Bobo: My arm still hurts from her last bad performance review.

Pearl: Oh, and Mike, your new, revised reviews should be coming on your printer right now.

 

(Deep INIT bridge.)

 

Mike: Well, your revised review should be coming over your printer too.

 

(Castle Forrester.)

 

Pearl: Well, until next time, I'll see you.

 

(The credits start.)

 

Pearl (shouting): NEGATIVE FOURTEEN!? NNNNEEEELLLLSSSSOOOOONNNNN!!!!

 

(Rest of credits.)

 

Stinger: Mickey: Could you possibly be more lame or more lucky?

 

*Stalin's Revenge is a condition characterized by the lack of quality in Russian food – most of the people who visit there have told stories of bacon that tasted like cardboard, bread that was like eating a brick, and the like. This food of poor quality can take its toll on the human body.