Songs referenced in this work are: Revolution by the Beatles, I Blame You by They Might Be Giants, Captialism and Nasty Habits by Oingo Boingo, Where Have All the Flowers Gone by Peter, Paul, and Mary, Stupid Day Job by Wally Pleasant, Move on Up by the Jam (who covered it from someone else that I don't know,) and No Killing by the Violent Femmes.
(Deep INIT bridge. Mike and Angel are sitting next to each other, holding hands.)
Mike: We've been training for the last week. Do you think you're ready for this week's experiment?
Angel: Yes. I feel ready for almost anything.
(Crow and Tom enter.)
Angel: I said almost anything.
Crow: Just ignore us. We're not doing anything important.
(Commercial light comes on.)
Mike: [knowing he's not going to like this]: O.K., what are you doing this time?
Crow: [nervously]: Erm.... well, like I said, it's not important.
Angel: [rolls her eyes]: I know that look. You and the other bots are up to something disastrous, I know. What is it?
Crow: [fighting]: It's nothing, I tell ya.
Tom:: [trying to change the subject]: Oh look, we've got commercial sign.
(Mike pushes the button.)
Mike: Don't think this is going to save you.
(Commercials. Garbage one and all crammed into your brain until you puke. When we come back, same scene.)
Angel: Where's Big John?
Tom:: Ah, that one I don't know.
(Enter Big John wearing a box over his head. Mads light comes on.)
Big John: I'm ready, guys.
Mike: That does it. I know this is going to be disastrous, so whatever you were planning, stop it now.
Crow: Aw, Mike....
Mike: No buts! It took us weeks to fix the damage done by your last escape attempt.
(Big John takes off the box as the screen opens up, and shows Pearl in her usual attire. Next to her is Brain Guy and Bobo. Pearl is face-to-face with brain guy.)
Pearl: I don't care how much you like looking at brains, that copy paper is expensive! That's coming out of your salary, Brain guy!
Brain Guy: My apologies, Lawgiver.... I couldn't stop myself...
(Pearl then turns to see Mike, Angel and the bots watching them.)
Pearl: I'll get to you later, Brain Guy. [She turns to the screen.] Mike Nelson, how's my favorite human guinea pig today?
Mike: Well, everything's fine here.
(Bobo and Brain Guy exit.)
Pearl: Well, we'd better put a stop to that. Now, I want you to marvel at my genius as I have made a new device that will be a boon to mankind the world over! You know how all VCRs are hard to program, and getting the clock set is a feat of technical wizardry? Well, my new device plugs into the back of the VCR, and will automatically set it to record whatever you want! Bobo, Brain guy, bring in the device and the VCR!
(Bobo and Brain guy return with a TV/VCR combo on a cart, and beneath it is a modest size box about the size of a briefcase. Pearl then holds up a small keyboard set and starts typing.)
Pearl: It's foolproof... now, just get the clock to stop flashing midnight....
(Pearl continues to type and type. Deep INIT bridge. Mike and Angel are wearing long white hair wigs, and Mike also sports a long white mustache and beard. Pearl finishes typing.)
Pearl: There we go, see? It's easy.
Mike: Eh? Speak up! I'm not a spring chicken, you know.
(Pearl sees this, and is not amused.)
Pearl: Take those wigs off now!!! Well, just you see if you're in the mood to joke after this week's experiment it's a wonderfully awful piece of work from the house of ideas that's running out of them... You know, you really have to feel sorry for Generation X. Having endured Hama and then Faerber and now Warren Ellis and Brian Wood. But this one's a guaranteed stinker....
Crow: Aw, not more Generation X again! It seems like we get that once a month around here.
Pearl: Tough!
(She picks up the comic book switch.)
Pearl: Well, have an insane time here....
(She throws the comic book switch. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts on Deep INIT bridge.)
Mike: AH! We've got comic book sign!!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Theater of Torture. Mike, Angel and the bots enter, and sit.)
Angel: Generation X? So is this story about a bunch of slackers who should get off their duffs and get a job?
Mike: No... but you'll wish it was.
>Generation X
>Revolution
Tom: [sings] You say you want a revolution/ Well, you know...
>Caption: South America.
>Six months ago.
Crow: [as the guy] Now I lay me down to sleep/ I pray that I can get out of this story!
Big John: [as the guy]: Come on, babe! Call me back! I know you want me!
Mike: Not quite.
>(Someone kicks a door, knocking it out.)
Mike: Hey, ever hear of knocking !?
Crow: Sad thing is the door was unlocked and he wasted all that effort!
>Garrat: Johnston Coffin -- by the power vested in me by S.H.I.E.L.D. and the United Nations Peacekeeping statues, I arrest you for crimes against humanity.
Mike: So he was the one responsible for hiring Hama to work on Generation X...
Tom:: And Raab on Excalibur.
Crow: Now he's the one behind this fiendish story!
>Coffin: Please. It's Warden Coffin. I've earned the title and its use by those such as you.
Crow: Looks like the inmates are now running the asylum!
>So it's "crimes against humanity" then, is it? The sound of one generation against another. Easy words to throw around.
Mike: Writing like this should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention....
>Garrat: Mister Coffin, if you would please --
Crow: [as Coffin] That's Warden Coffin!!
Tom:: [as Coffin] No, I wouldn't please!M
Big John: Well, you're always welcome to please me, babe!
(Angel reaches over and slaps Big John.)
Big John: Ow! Aw, come on!
>Coffin: Easy to pin the blame on anyone who fits the charge. Just like this new "decency deficit" in the states. Lovely situation.
Angel: Hey, turn that deficit into a surplus!
>It's Hollywood's fault, blame them. It's the record companies' fault, blame them. It's television's fault, it's the video games and comic books' fault.
Mike: Yes, pass the buck, and make sure your genocidal reputation doesn't get tarnished.
>Underage pregnancies? Rebellion against authority? Disrespecting parents? Violent kids shooting up high schools?
Crow: [as Coffin] Man, you guys will accuse me of anything! I'm just a simple two-bit dictator of a nameless South American country here....
>People like me? Blame us. Decency deficit.
Big John: [sings] I/ I blame you....
>This decency deficit does it all. And puts cash in our pockets at the same time.
Angel: Man, what some people won't do for money.
Mike: Yes, let's go out there and exploit the masses, molest children and then claim God told us to do it all.
Big John: [sings] There's nothing wrong with captialism...
>I get paid to perform
Big John: It's Deuce Bigalow in the future!
Mike: Big John!
>my so-called "crimes against humanity", and you get paid to stop me...
Crow: Man. I hate it when the reverse punctuation? Don.t you'
>... and more often than not, our wages come from the same account.
>I love it.
Mike: Well, if you like this, then you'd better seek some psychiatric counseling.
>Garrat: GAAH!
Crow: [as Coffin] Pay attention to me when I'm talking to you!
>S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent: Oh, GOD!
Tom:: [as the agent] We're trapped in a Marvel Comic book!
Big John: [as random agent] I knew I should have taken that assignment in Genosha!
>(Several panels of mindless violence.)
> S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent: GAAH!
Mike: Man, S.H.I.E.L.D. is as good at getting their butts kicked as Generation X is.
Crow: This must be here to show that Generation X isn't the only team that gets their butts kicked.
>Coffin: Ah, perfect timing.
>My terms have been accepted, excellent. The position is mine?
Mike: Well, we couldn't find any other two-bit dictators who wanted the job.
Crow: Believe me, you were our last choice.
>Oh, yes. All hush-hush. Understood.
>Thank you, Mr. Secretary. I look forward to returning to the United States.
Angel: Man, what a waste! A bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents gunned down, and for what? This is really pointless.
Crow: That's Marvel comics in a nutshell.
>Stan Lee presents: Correction
>1 of 4
Mike: They should have corrected this script.
Tom:: [worried] 1 of 4? Good Lord, we're going to get this for four weeks in a row!
>Voice: Oh, EWWW...!
Crow: Looks like someone saw the script here....
>Jubilee: What's the deal, Starsmore? One of them get away from you on the way to the laundry room?
Angel: Not only that, your underwear is moving! When was the last time you washed it!? Just like a man not to be able to wash his clothing....
Mike: Come on, Angel. It was only one time...
>Chamber: That's where it went... least I can remember to flush the bloody toilet, Jubilee. Wish I could say the same about you.
(The bots make cat and dog howls, hisses and screeches.)
Angel: Can't we all just get along?
>Jubilee: One time, Jono. One time the toilet doesn't flush properly. God, let it go already.
Mike: What's up with all of this? Why is Chamber speaking in that bluish-green lettering?
Crow: I don't think I want to know the answer.
>Chamber: I still have nightmares about what I saw bobbing up and down in the bloody surf.
>(Jubilee uses her power to zap Chamber's shorts.)
Crow: [as Jubilee] It attacked me! I had to defend myself!
Angel: A yellow top and brown miniskirt? Mr. Blackwell would have a fit!
>Chamber: I can't believe that you just did that!
Tom:: Well, I can believe that Marvel would take perfectly good characters, and trash them like this. Man, this is the biggest waste of cool characters I've seen since that Commission fanfic "Honey Moods."
>That was my last good pair!
>Jubilee: Don't you mean your only pair?
Angel: [as Jubilee] At least I'm spared your knobby knees for awhile.
>Husk: Can you two Please keep it down?
Big John: There are five of us here, and we're not about to be silent on the matter.
Crow: [as Jubilee] It's Chamber's fault.
Tom:: [as Chamber] No bloody way! It's Jubilee's fault.
Mike: I don't care who started it, I'm ending it now!
Big John: Oh look, Jubilee's lips magically lost the lipstick on them...
Angel: This scenario brought to you by the letters X and Y.
>Chamber: I dunno. Can you quit listening to Garth Brooks?
Angel: [as Husk] I'm not about to give up my Garth! You Limeys just don't appreciate quality when you see it!
>Husk: Oh, wow. Is that a bag of your underwear?
Crow: Or did a skunk crawl into that bag and die? Phew!
Mike: [as Chamber] Don't change the subject on me, woman!
>No, get out. I don't even wanna talk to you now.
Big John: Here's the pitch... oh, strike three! You're out!
>I can hear you beating that stuff into submission before it goes into the wash.
Big John: [before Mike can cut in, sings] Nasty habits I -
(Mike and Angel reach over and strike Big John.)
Big John: OW!
Angel: Keep it PG rated.
>I can hear it wailing from down here.
Mike: And don't try this one either.
Angel: Ah, men just don't know how to take care of their clothes.
>Chamber: What did I ever do to you, Paige?
Mike: [as Husk] You broke my heart, you love-em-and-leave-em type! We had a good thing going, and then you went and left me!
Crow: Mike, that was an alternate reality.
Mike: I have a life, so I have an excuse for not understanding this.
>Husk: Nothing, thank God.
>Chamber: I could drown you in these, you know...
Tom:: Liquid underwear? I'm not too sure I want to know about that one...
Crow: Sounds like one of Pearl's inventions.
Voice (From off screen): I heard that, Crow T. Robot!!
>stick the bag over your head and tie it shut around your neck if that's what you'd like...
Mike: But it's not raining outside.
>Voice: Jonothon, darling....
Big John: Who does she think she is, Cher?
Mike: That was highly uncalled for, Big John.
>White Queen: Darling, please. I had a heavy night with the cristal. Please, before I expire.
Crow: So that explains why she looks like she's so drugged up...
All: Just say no, people!
Mike: Since when did she lounge around in a bathrobe?
Big John: Since now. You know, change is good, except when you're changing it for the worse.
>That's a good boy.
Crow: Now beg for your reward...
Tom: Ruff!
>This is the Massachusetts Academy.
Tom:: [as the White Queen] It's none of your business whether or not my refrigerator is running!
Crow: [as the White Queen] There's nobody here by that name! >No darling, this isn't Emma Frost.
Tom:: It's just a cheap facsimile.
>I'm her stalker.
Crow: It's a rehash of Single White Female!
>I break into her office every few weeks just to answer the phone.
Angel: You know, you might want to seek some psychiatric counseling for that.
Big John: Let's spare readers the psychologist riff.
>I see.
>Weevil.
>Now then, Jono dear. Pour that coffee with some gusto.
Tom:: O.k.... now how do you do that?
Crow: I'm not too sure I want to know.
>Auntie Emma just made another hundred million.
Mike: I thought you were in financial trouble!
Crow: Change is good. But this kind of change isn't.
>Where's Sean?
Angel: If he had any sense, he'd be avoiding this all together.
Big John: Knowing Marvel they'll probably turn him into a carbon copy of Cable.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Commercials. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel, and the bots are all standing around several empty coffee mugs which are on the table. Mike holds a coffee pot.)
Tom:: So how do you pour coffee with gusto?
Mike: It's easy, Tom. You just do it like this.
(Mike makes several dramatic moves while pouring coffee into one of the coffee mugs. He then ends up spilling some of the coffee on Tom.)
Tom:: AAAHHH!!! I'm not waterproof, you know!!
Mike: I'm sorry, Tom.
(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)
Mike: We've got comic book sign!!
(Door sequence. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)
Mike: Get ready for it again...
>Banshee: Here, pay attention.
Big John: We're so broke we can't pay attention!
Crow: [old man voice] Ah, these kids today have the attention span of a flea!
>Let's see what I can tell yeh about not gettin' yourselves killed, then.
Mike: [as Banshee] Of course, death means nothing in the Marvel Universe, since you'll just get resurrected again.
Angel: Who was the fashion consultant for this issue? Cher? Those uniforms are appalling at best.
>This ruined bit of the academy grounds makes for an ideal trainin' area for the nastier aspects of what I can teach yeh.
Mike: What happened to the danger room? Where is continuity?
Tom:: [sings] Where have all the flowers gone/ Gone, so long ago....
>And while were here and all, let's think for a bit about how it got this way, shall we?
Angel: Think? You mean they're supposed to think?
Big John: I understand Generation X is really popular with the brain dead crowd these days.
>I've been in covert ops since I was a child. Workin' undercover for Interpol was the closest I ever got to a proper day job.
Big John: [sings] My stupid day job/ My stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid day job/ Now it's time for all of us who have a stupid day job to unite against the forces that control us! Yes! Fight the power!
Mike: I'm not too sure I want to know who that was.
Crow: [as Banshee] And no matter how many times I tried to get that McJob, they kept rejecting me!
>While Emma teaches yeh how to be sneaky an' work information an' manipulate people an' all that deep black Hellfire Club business...
Mike: [as Banshee] I'll teach you how to speak in run-on sentences!
Tom:: Is it just me or is Banshee starting to sound like Cable?
Big John: It's not just you, Tom.
>... I'll teach you how to stay alive while yeh're doing it. How's that?
Crow: [as Banshee] Rule #1: Don't get killed.
Mike: [as Banshee] Rule #2: When you do get killed, make sure you're going to be resurrected again.
>Right then, Mister Espinosa.
>Skin: It's Angelo. I'm not my old man.
Crow: I can't help it if my family disowned me!
>Banshee: C'mon then, have a go.
Mike: Not one word out of any of you.
Big John: You really know how to stop a good riff dead in its tracks.
>Let's see what that stretchy prehensile skin is really good for. How fast can you get?
Crow: Erm... scratching that itch on the hard to reach spots on your back?
>Skin: You sure you up for this, old man?
Mike: And don't try this one either.
Big John: Not touching that one with a 10 foot pole.
>Banshee: Come on then, wee lad.
Angel: What's the point of all this? They're doing all that stuff, Skin's wearing dopey looking, pass� crew pants, what for?
Tom:: I'm not sure I want to find out.
>(Skin swipes at Banshee, missing.)
Crow: [as a taunting child] Missed me! Missed me! Now you got to kiss me!
Mike: Erm... didn't they say they never would fight each other in Generation X #1?
Tom:: Mike, Mike, Mike... this is the "reinvented" Generation X. All continuity has been thrown away.
Big John: My programmer used to say "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well, they certainly fixed something that was broken here...
>Voice: Yeh've been around me long enough now to know that my mutant powers are sound-based --
>-- an' I can use hard sonic pulses to move myself about pretty quickly. Yeh should've been expectin' that just now.
Crow: [a la Monty Python] Noo-body expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapons are fear and surprise, surprise and fear! And a loyal devotion to the Pope - oh rot.
Tom:: And Generation X's weapons are bad dialogue, mischaracterizations, and rotten plots!
Angel: Plot? Are you sure this has a plot to it?
Mike: I haven't seen one either.
>Banshee: Can yeh not be so stupid, Angelo?
Crow: [as Skin] I'm a Marvel character! They're the ones that make me stupid!
Big John: [as Skin] I come from an underprivileged family! You didn't have a crack addict for a mother!
(Angel reaches over and strikes Big John.)
Big John: Ow! Hey, that wasn't sexually oriented.
Angel: But it's just as offensive. We've got too many people using illegal drugs today, Big John. We don't need more.
>If yeh get the chance to know your enemy...
>... Use it.
Mike: Don't try this one either.
Big John: Aw, gee Mike. You're taking all the good ones away.
>Right then. Monet, in twenty seconds I'm gonna tap yeh on the shoulder. Any ideas on how to stop me?
Crow: I think a better question would be how do we stop this comic book.
>M: Miss St. Croix will be perfectly fine, Mister Cassidy.
Tom:: Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Angel: What I'd like to know is how is her skirt staying up like that?
>Banshee: Concentrate on what's at hand, Monet. Ten seconds. What're yeh gonna do?
Mike: I've given up caring.
All but Mike: So have we.
>M: Oooof!
Crow: And once again, Generation X means "a bunch of bumbling idiots who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag."
Tom:: Bob Harras must really hate Generation X to inflict this much damage on them.
>Banshee: I sorta assumed yeh would offer a bit more challenge there, Monet.
>Is that really the best yeh can do?
Angel: [as M] I can't help it! This writer is an idiot and I'd be lucky to beat a snail in