MST3K: Avengers #75/490

By Icehole

 

(Season 5 opening. SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are standing around there. Mike is wearing a blindfold.)

 

Mike: All right, guys, I'm ready for the big surprise here.

Tom: Well, go ahead and take your blindfold off now!

 

(Mike removes his blindfold.)

 

Mike (looks around): Uh guys... I don't see anything different here.

Crow: But look at me! I've been taking herbal supplements to build up my physique!

Mike: Crow, you're a robot. Your physique isn't going to change because you've been taking herbal supplements.

Crow: Au contraire! Just take a look at the results!

 

(Crow holds up an arm that looks like it always does.)

 

Crow: No more wimpy Crow! I'm working out and taking herbal supplements! I'll be the hero of the beach in no time at all!

Mike: This is a silly idea, Crow.

 

(Commercial light comes on.)

 

Gypsy: I told you guys this wouldn't work.

Crow: Well, I was surprised!

Mike: We'll be right back after this.

 

(Commercials. Stuff you don't want or need shoved into your face. When we come back, SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are there. The Mads light is flashing.)

 

Mike: Well, guys, we've got Team Rocket calling.

 

(Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are there. They are holding one booklet each.)

 

Dr. Forrester: Ah, Mike. We've really outdone ourselves this time with this week's invention. Check it out. Meet fun with deep 13!

 

(They hold up the booklets, which read "Fun with Deep 13" on them.)

 

Dr. Forrester: This invention was inspired by a news item recently about how some companies were using these kinds of booklets to indoctrinate kids to buy their products. So I thought, hey, why not indoctrinate children to make me their leader?

 

(Dr. Forrester opens up the booklet to show a connect the dots page.)

 

Dr. Forrester: Now, this may look like an ordinary connect the dots page, but when you solve it, it reveals its message.

 

(TV's Frank opens up his to the same page. It has been done, and it shows that when the dots are connected, it reads: "Dr. Forrester is a great leader." TV's Frank then pulls his copy back down.)

 

Dr. Forrester: We also have a fun matching page…

 

(He flips a page on his booklet, and it shows a matching page. There is only one item in column A, and that is Dr. Forrester. The only item in column B is "great leader.")

 

Dr. Forrester: And if that wasn't enough, we've got a unscramble the great leader's name.

 

(He flips a page to show this page. It is the name "Dr. Forrester" mixed up.)

 

Dr. Forrester: Now, we've donated these activity books to some impoverished school districts in Wisconsin, West Virginia, New Jersey and Texas, so once those little rugrats grow up to adults, we can use them as an army to take over the world! Well, let's see what silly little invention you've got here now.

 

(SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are shocked and horrified by what they have seen.)

 

Gypsy: EVIL!! THAT IS EVIL!!

Tom: You've done some nasty things before Forrester, but that one takes the cake!

Mike: We're talking about children here! Young people are something you are supposed to treat right! We've got enough young criminals in detention halls and jails as it is.

 

(Deep 13.)

 

Dr. Forrester: Well, once we have taken over, they won't be considered criminals! Besides, I haven't seen anything good from you yet, booby!

 

(SOL bridge. Mike is holding up a handheld electronic videogame.)

 

Mike: Well, has this ever happened to you? You're playing a handheld videogame, and then the batteries go out on it. Well, this week's invention from us will prevent that from happening. Introducing the battery-outlet adaptor.

 

(Mike holds up a device that has an electrical plug on one end, and on the other are two batteries.)

 

Mike: Simply put the batteries in the device, plug the other end in, and you've got unlimited electrical power.

Tom: Provided you pay your electric bill on time.

 

(Mike then shows that another device that has a car cigarette adaptor on it.)

 

Mike: It also comes with an adaptor that will plug into a car's cigarette adaptor.

Tom: You can run it off a car's battery and as long as you keep that charged by driving the car around, it will last forever!

 

(Deep 13.)

 

Dr. Forrester: Well booby, most of those devices already have a place where you plug in an adaptor outlet. Just check on your device there.

 

(SOL bridge.)

 

Mike (a little flustered): Yea, but… this is one generic device for all those games and appliances, the CD/tape player, the Ipod, and so on…

 

(Deep 13.)

 

Dr. Forrester: Those devices operate on different voltages, have you ever considered that? Do some research before inventing something, booby! Well, your experiment today is from the mind of Geoff Johns. This is proof positive that even the best of writers stumble around now and then. (thinks) Come to think of it, it didn't look like he really put his heart into this cheap hero-fights-heroine fight. I give you Avengers #75 – erm, 490, er – (Flustered) oh, whatever!  I'd tell you to enjoy it, but we all know that's not humanly possible. (laughs sinisterly.)

 

(SOL bridge. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)

 

Mike: Ah, we've got comic book sign!

 

(Door sequence. Theater of pain. Mike and the bots sit down.)

 

>Avengers #75/490

 

Mike: What's with the two different numbers?

Crow: It's supposed to give the series some semblance of continuity.

Mike: Since when did Marvel care about continuity?

Tom: Hmm… good question, Mike.

 

>Search for the She-Hulk Part 4

 

Crow: Uh-oh Guys. Hulk vs. She-Hulk. I got a bad feeling about this one.

Tom: Wasn't this done before in Sensational She-Hulk #57?

Mike: A clear sign the house of ideas is running out of them.

 

>Trusted by the public, and recognized as a world power by the United Nations,

 

Crow (Sarcastically):  Ah, who cares about them anymore? After all, they didn't support our disastrous – erm, I mean glorious invasion of Iraq!

 

>they are the Earth's Mightiest Heroes

 

Tom: Whenever the X-Men are off the planet.

 

>united to protect us from any threat imaginable.

 

Mike: How about keeping us safe from the Republicans?

Crow: There are some things that are just too sinister to stop.

 

>Recently, the She-Hulk's level of gamma radiation was depleted by fellow teammate and human nuclear reactor Jack of Hearts.

 

Tom (referring to his Handbook of the Marvel Universe): Hmm… says here in the Handbook that his power comes from a special alien energy known as Zero Energy and not nuclear power…

 

>This transformed her from the fun, intelligent She-Hulk into a Jekyll-and-Hyde monstrosity.

 

Mike: So they've turned the She-Hulk into a female version of her cousin.

Crow: You know, some things just should NOT be tampered with.

 

>much like her cousin Bruce Banner, the Hulk. In her human form, Jennifer Walters ran away from the Avengers,

 

All (a la Monty Python): Run away! Run away!

 

>looking for Banner, hoping he might help her.

 

Tom: Or at least give her a guest appearance in his series.

 

>The Avengers tracked Jennifer to the town of Bone, Idaho.

 

Mike: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's nosey friends.

 

>When she was confronted by her friends, fear triggered Jennifer to change into the Savage She-Hulk,

 

Tom (referring to the Handbook again): Funny it says here when she transforms, she controls that.

Crow: Tom, don't stress over lack of continuity. After all, they don't care about that anymore.

 

>levelling the town and the Avengers!

 

Mike: Ah, the Avengers are turning into the next Generation X.

 

>Thankfully,

 

Crow: It's ending right now?

Mike: I wouldn't get my hopes up.

 

>Hawkeye, a former Avenger and friend of Jennifer's, arrived on the scene and lured She-Hulk away from the town and the trigger happy U.S. Army.

 

Tom (sarcastically): Well, after the "victory" in Iraq, the army has been a bit cocky…

 

>On a hill overlooking Bone,

 

Mike (Sings): On a hill far away/ Stood an old rugged cross…

 

>Hawkeye and She-Hulk found Bruce Banner.

 

Crow: Little good it did them.

 

>Believing there to be only one way to occupy the rampaging She-Hulk, Hawkeye pulled out

 

Crow: His little –

Mike (interrupts): Don't go there, Crow.

 

>one of his arrows and struck Bruce, causing him to transform into the incredible Hulk.

 

Tom: Apparently, he's not Incredible anymore, just incredible.

 

>Now it's Hulk vs. She-Hulk, with the Avengers and the town of Bone, Idaho in the middle.

 

Crow (sings): Jokers to the right/ Here I am/ Stuck in the middle with you…

 

>Member profile: The Hulk

 

Mike: Since when was the Hulk an Avenger?

Tom: He hasn't been one since the beginning, actually.

 

>Dr, Bruce Banner developed one of the world's most destructive weapons – the Gamma Bomb.

 

Crow: But after detonating that bomb, he became the Hero of the Beach!®

 

>During a gamma bomb test, Banner risked his life to save a young man who had wandered on to the test site.

 

Mike: And that brat's parents sued over child endangerment and won too!

 

>Though he saved the boy's life, Banner caught the brunt of the bomb's blast.

 

Tom: And how he survived and it turned him into a monster is something we don't care to explain.

 

>From that day forward, Doctor Banner, whenever angered, would transform into the savage creature known as the Incredible Hulk.

 

Crow: What about the time from Incredible Hulk #377 to #425 when he was just in the Hulk form?

Mike: We've harped on it so many times, but Marvel just doesn’t care about continuity.

 

>In his early years, the Hulk was a founding member of the Avengers.

 

Tom: And better written too!

 

>Soon after the Avengers were formed, the Hulk turned on his teammates and left.

 

Crow: They were just too stifling to him.

 

>Today, Doctor Banner is wanted by the U.S. Government for his destructive actions as the Hulk. Doctor Banner wanders America, on the run, looking for a cure to his condition…

 

Mike: Well, he hasn't found one in almost 50 years, what makes you think he'll find one now?

 

>Hulk: She-Hulk do what Hulk says! She-Hulk go away!

 

Tom (as the Hulk):Hulk like ordering around women! Hulk have sexist attitudes!

 

>She-Hulk: Me here first!

 

Crow: Now, now, can't we all share things around here?

Mike: You, you, you, it's always you. What about our needs?

Tom: Apparently, they don't care.

Crow: That's Marvel for you.

 

>Hulk: BAH! No girls allowed!

 

Mike: Now Hulk, she's your cousin, can't you just allow her this once?

Tom: All those issues of Flash and this is the best dialogue Geoff Johns could come up with…

 

>Hawkeye: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

 

Crow: A bit late to realize that now, isn't it?

 

>Captain America: What wasn't a good idea?

 

Tom: All this excessive bolding of words?

Mike: This whole stupid hero fights heroine fight?

Crow: Turing the She-Hulk into a lame-o rip off of her cousin?

 

>Hawkeye: Cap! Where's Thor?

 

Tom: He had the good sense to leave while the getting was good!

 

>Captain America: No longer an Avenger.

 

Mike: Oh, come on, once an Avenger, always an Avenger.

 

>Hawkeye: Hercules then. Or Wonder Man. We need some big guns.

 

Crow: Sorry, all we got are some sub-nose Italian jobs that aren't accurate beyond 20 centimeters.

 

>Captain America: You've already got them.

 

Tom (as Captain America): You and I are it. Everyone else quit after seeing your incompetence.

 

>Hawkeye: Iron Man and Scarlet Witch. Right you are.

 

Tom (as Hawkeye): Quick! Scarlet Witch – distract She-Hulk with a bunch of girl talk! Iron Man – do something to distract the Hulk!

 

>Scarlet Witch: Hawkeye. What a pleasant surprise.

 

Crow (as Scarlet Witch): I still hate you though.

 

>Iron Man: What did you do, Clint?

 

Mike (as Hawkeye): Oh, it was nothing that George W. Bush wouldn't have ordered!

 

>(She-Hulk rams the Hulk with a large tree. This tears the tree to splinters.)

 

Tom: Surely there's a better way to make toothpicks.

Crow: There they go again, encouraging deforestation again. As if George W. Bush's environmentally wasteful policies weren't enough to ruin everything.

 

>Hawkeye: What I had to do.

 

Mike: Screw things up even more than they already were?

 

>Agitated Doctor Jekyll to keep Jen busy. She wanted to go down there

 

Crow: And you said no? Are you out of your mind!?

Mike: Crow! That's not what he meant!

 

>and play pattycake with the "Hulkbusters."

 

Tom: Too bad they were more into tiddlywinks.

 

>Turn this town into a cemetery.

 

Crow: Ah, who cares about a small Idaho town anyway? Most of the action is in New York anyway…

 

>(A large explosion occurs.)

 

Tom: Someone lit up the Hulk's fart!

Mike: Tom! Not you too!

 

>Iron Man: As if She-Hulk wasn't enough.

 

Crow: We've got a bad plotline!

 

>Hawkeye: Lighten up,

 

Tom: We can blame all this on the Hulk and walk away right now. Then, like George W, Bush, we can look good in front of the cameras and get away with murder!

 

>We're the Avengers. We'll handle this.

 

Mike (Sarcastically, as a random Avenger): So nice of you to join in on fixing your mess, Hawkeye!

 

>I'm sure Cap has already thought of a dozen different ways to stop them.

 

Crow: As long as they involve throwing you between them, I'm all for it!

 

>Heck, I bet even Shellhead has one.

 

Tom: Well, I don't see you coming up with any brilliant ideas!

 

>Iron Man: I do, but it's risky.

 

Mike: Well, we're all ears.

 

>Someone: As risky as revealing your identity to the public?

>(Close up of Iron Man's eye.)

 

All (as Mike throws up his hands in defense): AH!

 

>(Shot of Hawkeye smiling.)

 

Crow (As a drill sergeant): Wipe that grin off your face soldier! This is a serious situation!

 

>Iron Man: Ant-Man. Do you read me?

 

Tom: Oh great, leave the fate of the world in the hands of a second stringer that nobody really likes.

 

>Voice: I hear you Iron man. Go ahead –

 

Mike: Throw Hawkeye into that Hulk mess? Sure, why not?

 

>Iron Man: We need to get Jack of Hearts to Bone, Idaho, pronto.

 

Crow: Lassie wasn't available.

 

>The She-Hulk situation just took a turn for the worse. We've got assistance from Hawkeye, but we're going to --

>Ant Man: Hawkeye? What's he --?

 

Tom: How can he help this plot? Well, he hasn't so far…

 

>Iron Man:  Scott. Focus. Look at what we're dealing with.

 

Mike: A hot babe in lingerie beating on a hot stud in underwear? Wouldn't that be a cheap sales-boosting thing?

Crow: You make that sound like it's a bad thing.

 

>Ant Man: Is that. –

 

Tom: A punctuation error? You bet it is!

 

>Iron Man?: The Hulk.

>Ant Man: What do you want me to do?

 

Mike: Nothing that's going to save the plot, that's for sure.

 

>Iron Man: Get Jack out of the Zero Room and tell him to fly out here. Fast. We'll debrief him on the way.

 

Crow: Erm… won't he blow up before he gets there?

Tom: Not if the plot relies on it.

 

>Ant Man: But… the time lock. It's not going to open for another twelve hours.

 

Mike (as Iron Man): That's your problem, boy! Do something!

 

>Iron Man: So figure out how to open the vault another way.

 

Crow (as Ant Man): But I'm a Marvel character! I have the creativity of a tree stump!

 

>Ant man: The doors are fibrous concrete compound.

 

Tom: So it's a good substitute for oat bran!

 

>Interlocking steel reinforcement.

>There's no one here strong enough to –

 

Mike (as Ant Man): Hey, I got it! Have Hulk and She-Hulk come here and leave a swath of destruction across the USA!

 

>Iron Man: You were a burglar at one point, right?

>Get to it.

 

Crow (as Iron Man): I don't want any of your panty-wuss excuses! I want Jack out now!

 

>Ant Man: Picking locks.

>Like riding a bike… I hope.

 

Tom: You mean you put your feet on the pedals and move them back and forth?

 

(Mike and the bots exit the theater. Commercials. More bad stuff and fluff. When we come back, SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are there. There are several bottles of stuff on the counter.)

 

Mike: Well, what have we got here?

Crow: Oh, I've gotten a new shipment of herbal medications. I've got a whole bunch of them here – Saw Palmento, Glucosamine Sulfate, Ginko Biloba, Ginsing, and a whole lot more.

Mike (smiles): Crow, you're a robot. This stuff won't affect you.

Crow: Au contraire, Mike. Since I've started this stuff, I've become more intelligent, had no diseases at all, and I've started growing hair.

Mike: You can't grow hair, you're a robot. And you're immune to human diseases.

Crow: Oh yea? Take a look at this!

 

(Crow turns his head around, and shows that his mitt has fuzz on the back of it.)

 

Mike: That's preposter- (startled) Ah!

Crow: Good by, lame-o wimpy Crow! I'm going to be the ultimate stud thanks to these pills!

Tom: Just out of curiosity, how much did this stuff cost you?

Crow: Oh, it didn't cost me a cent. I charged it all to Mike's credit card. It was only $5300.

Mike (laughs slightly): Only $5300 – (turns to Crow, angry): $5300!? Crow, I don't have that kind of money!

 

(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)

 

Mike: Oh great, now we've got comic book sign on top of that!

 

(Door sequence. Theater of pain. Mike and the bots sit.)

 

>(Hulk and She-Hulk throw boulders at each other.)

 

Mike: No, no, no! This is NOT the way to make rock music!

 

>(Scarlet Witch unleashes a blast, knocking down Hulk and She-Hulk.)

 

Crow (as Hulk): Stay out of fight tin man! Hulk hate having to beat on cousin already!

 

>Scarlet Witch: I've changed the surrounding ice and snow into steam.

 

Tom: And somehow it magically refroze in a microsecond!

 

>It should confuse  them for a moment. I… nnnn…

 

Mike: Uh-oh. Looks like Scarlet Witch's battery is running down!

Crow: Should have used Energizer. They keep going and going and going and going….

 

>Iron Man: What is it?

 

Tom: Well, a battery is a device used to store electricity.

 

>Scarlet Witch: I think my wrist is broken. But I can handle the pain.

 

Mike: Well, we can handle the pain of this too.

 

>I've got to keep them away from each other.

 

Crow: But they haven't seen each other in so long –they really miss each other.

 

>Jennifer's strong – but no match for the Hulk.

 

Tom: But having her in that sexy lingerie is boosting sales! I say we let her parade around like that for the rest of the issue.

 

>Hawkeye: So we just play tag with the green guys until –

 

Mike: Well, only if you're it first…

 

>Captain America: Until more help arrives. Keep them from killing each other or going back to town to face Uncle Sam.

 

Crow (as random Avenger): Good. You first.

 

>Hulk: Avengers.

 

Tom (As the Hulk): Hey Avengers! Miss Hulk? Long time Hulk no see!

 

>RRRAAAOO!

 

Mike (as the Hulk): Tag! Hulk say you it!

 

>Hawkeye: Don't know the rules to tag, Hulk?

>Gotta close your eyes and count to ten first.

 

Crow (as the Hulk): Hulk cannot help it if Hulk cannot count to ten!

 

>Hulk: RARRR.

 

Tom: It's amazing how he's so calm with his growling and yelling. Either that or they ran out of exclamation points.

 

>Cap, your shoulder –

 

Mike: That purple arrow is such a bold fashion statement with the red, white and blue.

 

>Captain America: I'll take care of it as soon as we're through here.

 

Crow (as Hans or Franz): You girly men can't fight wounded, ya? I show you how real men fight!

 

>(Hulk catches Captain America's shield.)

 

Tom (as the Hulk): Oh, Frisbee? Hulk like playing Frisbee! Hulk toss, you catch!

 

>(Hawkeye and Captain America look at each other.)

 

Mike (as Hawkeye): Is this your line here?

Crow (as Captain America): I thought it was your line here.

 

>Ant Man: All right.

 

Tom: Meanwhile, in a sub-plot that makes no sense now but will later…

 

>Let's take a peek –-

 

Mike: And I thought you were perverted, Crow.

Crow: Oh sure, blame me.

 

>inside.

 

Tom (Sings): So much more attractive/ Inside the moral kiosk…

 

>It's a three movement mechanical system.

>Meaning I need to fool

 

Mike: The audience into thinking this is a great comic book?

 

>three clocks into thinking fourteen hours in total have passed --

 

Crow: Time is a precious thing, why waste it by forwarding clocks?

 

>-- so I can ender the code and unlock the standard mechanism.

>Locking rod leads to

 

Tom (sings): Oh the foot bone's connected to the leg bone/ The leg bone's connected to the knee bone…

 

>-- the clocks.

 

Mike (concerned voice): It's - the clocks!

 

>Trick is, we've got to attack all three timers at once. Change them all at the same time.

 

Crow: Boy, all this just to set a clock on daylight savings time…

 

>Which is why I brought some help.

>You guys ready?

 

Tom (as the ants): You'd better have that sugar ready for us, pal!

 

>Lock: Chk!

>CHOOOMMM!!

>(Jack of Hearts falls out of the smoke, his uniform in tatters.)

 

Mike (as Jack of Hearts): Whoo! That was some party!

Crow (as Jack of Hearts): But you shouldda seen the other guy!

 

>Ant Man: Whoa. Wake up, sleeping beauty –

 

Tom: Your prince charming is outside the door.

 

>AAA!

>Jack of Hearts: My cells aren't drained yet.

 

Mike: Say, isn't he supposed to explode if he gets out early?

Crow: Yep.

Mike: Don't you think it would be a bad idea having him blow up and causing even more damage?

Tom: Don't worry, Mike. They always do the bad idea thing.

 

>Skin is on fire.

 

Mike (sings): Whoa- oh!/ Hell is on fire!

 

>I shouldn't be out.

 

Crow: You've been a good little boy so we thought we'd release you early.

 

>Ant Man?: Time to suit up, Jack.

 

Tom: The torn up uniform look is so 1990's.

 

>Jack? Ant Man?: You've got a job to do.

 

Mike: Jack of Hearts is telling himself he's got a job to do?

Crow: Does that mean he knows he's got to kill himself?

 

>Someone: I don't care what kind of doctor you are or WHAT kind of army this is.

 

Tom: We're not letting you invade our town, mister! Besides, this army's needed in Iraq!

 

>The Avengers said they'd stop this madness

 

Mike (Shouting, a la Susan Powter): STOP THE INSANITY!!

 

>and they will.

 

Crow: So about 4 superhuman people can do what thousands haven't been able to do for over 40 years?

 

>Don't need no tanks and missiles blowin' up more of our homes.

 

Tom (sings): Don't need no squawking gull/ Ignore the mountain of discarded falderal…

Mike: This whole thing is a big mountain of falderal.

 

>Guy: So you're going to have to get through us to get to them.

 

Crow: Uh, are you sure you want to provoke a bunch of guys who are armed to the teeth?

 

>Doc Samson: We'll give them their chance, Sheriff. Hold your ground, troops.

 

Tom (as random trooper): Cool! We get to stay here and watch other people get themselves killed for once!

 

>And let's hope Banner doesn't sneak away from us this  time.

 

Mike: Oh, well, just because he did that the last hundred or so times, that doesn't mean that he's going to do it this time!

 

>Voice: Jennifer?

>Scarlet Witch: Jennifer.

 

Crow: That's her name, don't wear it out.

 

>She-Hulk: Hrrrn?

 

Tom: Well, I guess it's better than "She-Hulk angry!" but not by much…

 

>RRARRHH!

 

Mike: That's She-Hulkese for "I'm going to kill whomever came up with this stupid idea!"

 

>Iron Man: All this fighting. She's regressed even further.

 

Crow (angry): She was NEVER brain damaged! When she transformed for the first time, she retained her normal intelligence!!

Tom: Give it up, Crow. Everyone else has.

 

>Her strength…

 

Mike (as Iron Man): Makes me glad I'm not her boyfriend.

 

>half my systems just sent off-line. Thrusters still good though. I can fly us out of –

 

Crow (as Shaggy): Let's get out of here, Scoob!

Tom: Right Raggy!

Mike: Don't remind us of that.

 

>Nuts. I think I lost a tooth.

 

(Mike picks up a tooth from the floor.)

 

Mike: Is this it?

Crow: No, that's a tooth to the cogs on the sanflac thrusters.

 

>Cap – zzzz – she's –

 

Tom: Come on, man, wake up! This is no time to take a nap!

 

>Hawkeye: What? What did he say?

 

Mike: Who cares?

 

>Hawkeye: Okay, How do you do that? Catch that shield?

 

Crow: Ancient Chinese secret.

 

>There a remote control device in there or --

 

Tom: I can't tell you, but I can say this: OWIE OW OW MY HAND!!

 

>Captain America: Pratice and passion, Clint.

 

Mike: Amazing how he could smile after getting shot in the shoulder with an arrow like that.

 

>Just like you.

>She-Hulk: RRARRR!

 

Crow: Oh, and the judges give a one point deduction for repeating the same line.

 

>voice: -- ello? Captain America? Do you read me?

 

Tom (as the voice): This is the UK command centre… whot you doing now, eh what?

 

>Jack?

>Jack of Hearts: I swear I didn't mean to do this, cap. I –

 

Mike (as Jack of Hearts): I'm trapped in a stupid

 

>Voice: I know, Jack. We ALL know.

 

Crow: We know everything thanks to being inside the government!

 

>Do you think you can pull this off?

 

Tom (as Jack): I don't know, that cap is stuck on there pretty good…

 

>Do a limited detonation and then retain the fallout?

 

Crow: Well, if fallout's a problem, put it in and take –

 

(Mike clamps Crow's beak shut.)

 

Mike: Don't go there, Crow.

 

>Jack of Hearts: I was only in the Zero Room a few hours.

 

Tom: Then some guy named Dr. Who kicked me out…

 

>I can feel my suit burning apart already. Close to… blacking out.

 

Crow (straining): Must… keep… going… thin… plot… depends… on it…

 

>If I let loose like this –

 

Mike (as Jack of Hearts): I don't know if my belt can take the strain!

 

>I'm not sure I'll be able to reabsorb it. I could turn this place into a desert.

 

Tom: Ah, don't worry. George W. Bush's environmentally wasteful policies are doing that already.

 

>I could kill Jennifer.

 

Crow (as Jack of Hearts): She spurned my advances!

 

>Iron Man: Jack, it' – zzz- Iron Man.

 

Mike: Hey Iron Man, wake up!!

 

>I know these last few months have been hard these last --kzzz—years even.

 

Tom: Well, don't worry, things are only going to get harder.

 

>I met you when you were just getting into the game and whether you know it or not, you've  -- zzzz—a very long way.

 

Mike: Is Iron Man getting narcoleptic or something?

 

>It's time to trust yourself.

 

Crow: Especially since we don't have anything else that can back the writer out of the corner he's written himself into.

 

>You –- zzz -- me?

 

Tom: Well, if I knew how to zzz you, I would.

 

>Jack?

 

Mike: Nicholson?

 

>Is he here? Is he --

 

Crow: Tommy can you hear me? Can you see me? Can you feel me near you?

 

>Voice: I hear you.

 

Tom: But I'd rather not have to hear you.

 

> Get everyone clear, Mr. Stark.

>I’m going in.

 

Mike: Don't try this one.

Crow: Aw, come on, it's begging for it.

Mike: I said no and that's final!

 

>Iron Man?: Roger that. Good luck, kid.

 

Tom (as Iron Man): Thanks for dying so we could stop this mess!

 

>Jack of Hearts: Bombs away.

 

Crow: He's throwing copies of this issue at them?

 

>Hulk: Hulk sm--

 

Mike: Hulk smoke? You know, smoking's bad for you?

Crow: Hulk smile? Why? You're in a bad comic book!

Tom: Hulk sm? Why do you need Samarium?

 

>(Incredibly large explosion.)

 

Mike: Well, nothing could survive that, right?

 

>Jack of Hearts: NNN.

>Uhnuhnuhnuhnuhn.

 

Crow (as Jack of Hearts): Ah! The Hulk-like dialogue is contagious! I'm getting it now!

 

>(Bruce Banner and Jennifer Walters are lying on the ground.)

 

Tom (sternly): Hey, get up, you slackers! No lying down on the job!

 

>Jack of Hearts: I'm… sorry.

 

Mike: Well, it's about time someone apologized for this mess.

Crow: Should we accept his apology?

Tom: Let's take a vote on that.

 

>(Purple energy comes from Jack of Hearts to Jennifer Walters.)

 

Crow: Amazing how her underwear fits her perfectly in both She-Hulk and Jennifer Walters forms.

Mike: Don't go there, Crow.

 

>Jack of Hearts: AAARRRR!

 

Tom: A pirate's life for me!

 

>Iron man: Radioactive levels are falling. Nearing zero.

 

Crow: Along with audience interests.

 

>Jack did it.

 

Tom: He did it! Not me, he did it!

Mike: I don't care who did or didn't do it! I want everything stopped now!

 

>Bruce: Jennifer…

 

Crow (as Bruce): They turned you into a female version of me… I can't believe they did that to you…

 

>(Bruce checks the She-Hulk's pulse.)

>(Close up of Bruce's face.)

 

All: AH!

 

>Bruce: You're better off with them. And I'm better off…

 

Tom (As Bruce): back in my own series!

 

>She-Hulk: Bruce?

 

Mike: A bit late there, She-Hulk.

 

>Voice: She-Hulk.

 

Crow: The people here want to speak to you about a little destruction you did… I hope you've got plenty of money in your bank account…

 

>Captain America: Welcome back.

 

Tom (sings): Your dreams were your ticket out…

 

>Ant Man: I can't believe he pulled it off.

 

Mike: Well, sometimes, people will believe anything is quality.

 

>She-Hulk: Is he going to be all right?

 

Crow (as the She-Hulk): She-Hulk like hot hunk… erm, am I still supposed to be talking like I'm brain damaged still?

 

>Iron Man: I'm not sure, Jennifer. Jack's never exhausted his supply of energy and then restored it.

 

Tom: Well, who cares, we'll just replace him with someone else.

 

>The best we can do is get him back to the Zero room.

 

Mike: But Doctor Who is still in there!

 

>Vegetation on that mountainside probably won't regrow for years…

 

Crow: That's George W. Bush's environmentally wasteful policies at work for you!

 

>Watch it, Jen.

>Don't get too close. Hate to have the cycle start all over again.

 

Tom (sings): And you don't come close/ you don't come close…

 

>(Shot of Jack in the containment unit.)

>(Shot of She-Hulk looking at Jack.)

 

Mike (As She-Hulk): You know, I kind of like him like that…

 

>She-Hulk: How do you think Jack returned me to --

 

Crow: You're a token hot babe. It's in the script.

 

>Iron Man: He can see radiation like we can see colors.

 

Tom: Which makes it pretty useful in… well, it's not that useful…

 

>The last time he touched you, he may have been able to recharge your body with the proper dose of gamma radiation.

 

Mike: And a hole in the plot the size of a mack truck is covered with a thin veneer.

 

>It probably took the remaining bit of willpower he had left.

 

Crow: Well, as long as it did good, so what?

 

>We can't just risk having you two come in contact with one another again.

 

Tom: Leave room for the Holy Ghost when you dance!

 

>She-Hulk: How are we going to make sure we don't?

>Iron Man: One of you is going to have to leave the team.

 

Mike: Well, Jack wasn't really adding much to the team anyway…

Crow: Neither was She-Hulk, other than being eye candy for horny guys.

 

>Voice: Hey, Hawkeye!

 

Tom: Hulk say tag! You it!

 

>She-Hulk: This is for helping me.

>(She-Hulk and Hawkeye kiss.)

 

Mike: He shoots he scores! Goal!

 

>And this is for shooting my cousin with an arrow.

 

Crow (Emotionally, as Hawkeye): You women are all the same! You love 'em and throw them aside like a rag doll!

 

>Hawkeye: You know, I really missed her.

 

Tom (as Hawkeye): She can throw me around like a rag doll anytime!

 

>Scarlet Witch: Well then, Clint.

 

Mike (as Scarlet Witch): Was the kiss really worth getting thrown to the ground?

 

>Does this mean that you're back?

 

Crow (as Hawkeye): Well, I don't have anything better to do now….

 

>Hawkeye: Yeah.

>I'm back.

 

Tom (a la Poltergeist): He's baaaaaaaack…

 

>(Captain America stands over the scene of a wrecked city.)

 

Mike: That's the last time we build a city out of chicken wire and drywall.

 

>She-Hulk: I did all that, didn't I? Lord, I never meant to --

 

Crow: Jennifer, this is the last time we let you hit the sauce.

Tom: Hopefully, this will be the last time she gets in a bad plotline. I wouldn't hold by breath on that, though…

 

>How many --

 

Mike: Readers left? Not many, I'd say…

 

>Captain America: Wounded? The count's at seventy-two.

>No deaths.

 

Tom: Oh goody! Now everyone can wander around homeless for a few weeks while they rebuild everything.

 

>Voice: Iron Man already has Stark Enterprises on the way. They'll rebuild this town, but…

 

Mike: Wow! They got that contract pretty fast.

Crow: Must have gotten in with Haliburton.

 

>… it's going to take time. And many of the wounds here… they'll never heal.

 

Tom: Well, if you listen to George W. Bush's administration, a few band-aids will fix everything right up!

 

>Captain America: The media is blaming the Hulk.

 

Mike: Everyone is always fingerpointing at someone else.

 

>She-Hulk: But --

>Captain America: Let them say what they want.

 

Crow: Especially since it relieves us of all liability!

 

>She-Hulk: I don't know how I can forgive myself for this. All these people. Their lives have been destroyed.

 

Tom: A bit late for that now, isn't it?

 

>Captain America: The Avengers will help this town recover as best it can. And the Avengers will help you get through this, Jennifer.

 

Mike: It's nice of them to show the after effects of a big battle, but where's Damage Control when you need them?

Tom and Crow (Simultaneously): Don't remind us of that.

 

>She-Hulk: How does Bruce do it?

 

Crow: I'd imagine like everyone else…

 

>How does he deal with the pain, the fear --

>-- the guilt?

 

Tom: Well, as long as he gets those big royalty paychecks from the movie, I think he can handle it…

 

>Captain America: Alone?

 

Mike (sings): I'm all alone/ I'm all alone/ Behold the mystery that is me…

 

>I'll never know.

>And neither will you.

 

Crow: You'll always have friends as long as you boost sales by being in skimpy clothing.

 

>Caption: End.

 

(The lights come up, and the door opens. Door sequence. SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are standing there.)

 

Mike: So Crow, how is your new herbal supplement diet coming?

Crow: Oh, I gave that up, Mike. Seems that most of these supplements are nothing more than placebos!

Tom: So what are you going to do with all those supplements you bought?

Crow: Oh, I sold them on E-Bay. I actually got more money than I put on Mike's credit card!

Mike: Great, so you'll pay me back for charging all those supplements on my credit card.

Crow: Uh, well, not really. I blew it all on my new passion. Yu-Gi-Oh!

Mike: You blew everything on Yu-Gi-Oh!?

Crow: Don't worry, Mike. It's not like I have to pay that money back.

(Mads light comes on.)

 

Mike: But how am I supposed to pay that money back?

Crow: Well, don't look at me! It's your debt!

 

(Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are there. Surrounding them are a bunch of little children.)

 

Boy: Dr. Forrester! You're my hero!

Girl: Take care of us, Dr. Forrester!

 

Frank (to Mike & the bots): Hey guys, we seem to have run into a little glitch with the invention here… these kids think Dr. F is the best thing in the world and want him to take care of them.

 

Boy: Come on, Dr. Forrester!

Dr. Forrester: Help!!

 

(Suddenly the She-Hulk crashes through the wall.)

 

She-Hulk: She-Hulk not like bad guy who uses kids to rule world!

Girl: Wow! It's the She-Hulk!

She-Hulk: She-Hulk not like having continuity thrown away! (pauses) What the $*#%& is going on here? I never talked like that before! Ah, kids, come on, I'll take you back to your parents.

All kids: Yay!

 

(She-Hulk leaves, with the kids following her. )

 

Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank.

 

(Frank does so, and the screen goes blank. End credits. Stinger:)

 

>Ant Man: Picking locks.

>Like riding a bike.. I hope.

 

--End--