Gold Digger: The Aura of the Fez
(Page 1, panel 1. Julia Diggers is leading her students through a round of exercises. They are doing arm thrusts. All are attired in fighting robes.)
All: Hie! HA! Hei!
Caption (N): Julia Diggers, mistress of the martial arts, leads her students through their morning exercises. However, nothing she could do could prepare her for what she's about to engage in....
(Panel 2. Julia stops doing her arm thrusts as a young woman enters. This buxom blonde girl jiggles as she runs. She is attired in a skin tight, low cut robe that has a very short skirt on it.)
Girl: Mistress Diggers!
Julia: Class, continue.
(Panel 3. Julia walks up to the girl.)
Julia: What do you want?
Girl: I am one of Master Leep's students. My master has been severely hurt and is in bed. He has asked that you go to him.
(Panel 4. Julia seems somewhat surprised.)
Julia: Someone hurt Master Leep?
Girl: It was a terrible battle from a guy calls himself the Fez.
(Panel 5. Julia tries not to show her worry about this.)
Girl: He was surrounded by this dark flame, and when Master Leep struck her, it turned Master Leep into a crying baby.
Julia: A crying baby?
(Panel 6. The girl takes Julia's hand.)
Girl: He's not responding to healing magic, Mistress Julia.... even the "Renewing Breath" won't help him. Please, he has asked to see you now.
Julia: Whatever this Fez did to him sounds very serious. I'll go to him at once.
(Panel 7. Julia rushes out of the room. Meanwhile, the students continue their exercises.)
Caption (J): "Things here will have to take care of themselves."
Julia: Luan, lead the class. I've got something important here.
(Panel 8. We see the students still working out.)
Caption (N): About an hour later...
Luan: I think that's enough for now.
(Page 3, panel 1. A bedroom. It is a simple place, with a large bed for two in the middle. The simple wooden floor and bed are natural for a master. In the bed, Master Leep is lying beneath the sheets. He is hurt and has several bandages on him. Nearby, the young woman from earlier and Julia are standing.)
Cap (N): Shortly thereafter...
Julia: Master Leep... what happened?
Leep: Uh....
(Panel 2. With blurry eyes, Master Leep looks up at Julia.)
Leep: Julia Diggers... thank you for coming... you are about to learn about my deepest shame...
(Panel 3. Flashback to show a younger Master Leep talking to a young man. He is muscular in nature and a were-goat in anamorphic form. He is attired in a fighting robe and wears a fez.)
Caption (N): He calls himself the Fez, and I was his teacher. He learned very well, but he wanted more and more.
(Panel 4. We see the Fez in a library, reading a book.)
Caption (N): He wanted to learn the forbidden arts, and I tried to stop him. I banished him from the dojo, and told him to never show his face again. He has learned the forbidden dark ecumenicism moves. They combine magic and martial arts. The Fez wields a murder fist, and by duty I had to deal with him.
(Panel 5. Master Leep is standing opposite the Fez. Now the Fez has an aura of black fire around him.)
Caption (N): The Fez now has the shadow aura. Touching him will show a person their worst fears and drive a person insane.
(Panel 6. Go back to see Leep in the bed again, with Julia standing over him.)
Leep: You will need the light ecumenicism maneuvers to defeat him. The best one to defeat him will be the heart power thrust.
Julia: Why didn't you use it, master?
(Panel 7. Focus on Master Leep's face.)
Leep: The ecumenicism combines magic and martial arts. The heart power thrust requires two people to perform. One must be a master of the martial arts, the other must be the master of the mystic arts. That's you and Theodore. My soulmate has passed from this realm into the realm of the dead. The Fez will be back, Julia. Only you and Theodore can take care of him. The fez is insane, Julia. I can't deal with him myself. He did this to me.
(Page 4, Panel 1. Suddenly the Fez crashes in through a side wall. One of the boards crashes into Master Leep, knocking him out.)
SFX: CRASH!!
Fez: Hello Collin, it's the Fez!!
Julia: Collin?
Girl: AAAH!
(Panel 2. The Fez strikes the girl, sending her to the ground.)
Fez: Have you angered the volcano god? I have angered the volcano god!
Girl: AAH!
SFX: WHAM!
(Panel 3. Julia assumes a defensive stand, picking up a board that was on the floor.)
Julia's thoughts: All right, I can't touch him, but I can still hit him.
(Panel 4. The Fez and Julia strike each other at the same time. Julia hits the Fez with the board, but the Fez hits her with his fist.)
SFX: POW!
(Panel 5. The girl and Julia are on the floor and holding their heads.)
Fez: There's a time for taking and a time for giving, but ripping off everyone is how we make our living. HA HA HA HA HA!!
(Panel 6. We see Julia lying on the ground, and standing over her is Theodore with a buxom blonde bimbo type. He is in his bodysuit, and she is in a tiny bikini. The background is completely black.)
Theodore: Julia, it's over. I've found someone better. She isn't as demanding as you are.
Julia: This can't be real... this isn't real...
(Panel 7. Gina and Britanny are standing where Theodore and the girl were.)
Gina: It's very real, mother. When are you going to realize you can't keep going like you are forever?
Britanny: I made you a grandmother! You should start acting more like a grandmother. You can't be going around being the warrior babe anymore? You haven't been 21 in decades.
Julia: This is not real...
(Panel 8. Brianna now joins them.)
Gina: You failed me, mother. Now I'm a workaholic that has no fun.
Britanny: You weren't there when we needed you. You had us think you were dead. I cannot help but feel hurt. I can't stop myself from shopping too much.
Brianna: You should be encouraging Gina and I to get married so we can give you grandchildren too.
(Page 5, panel 1. Luan, Gar, and Carla are standing over her.)
Luan: I can't believe that Master Leep made us study under you.
Garfield: How I managed to get adept status is a miracle... and I did it despite you.
(Panel 2. We see Theodore Diggers standing over Julia and the girl from earlier. He is in a black bodysuit. He strokes his chin in contemplation. Behind him are Luan and Carla. They are still in their robes from earlier.)
Caption (N): Some time later, back in reality...
Luan: We got worried about Mistress Julia, so we came to investigate. When we found her, she was like this.
Theodore: This is not good, guys... She's been hit by a dark aura.
(Panel 3. Back with Julia, G'nolga is now beating on her. G'nolga is attired in a robe.)
G'nolga: You know I'm the better of the two of us, Julia Diggers. I will have my revenge and my title of armsmaster!
SFX: POW!
(Panel 4. Suddenly Julia is back with Theodore, Luan, and Carla. Theodore has cast a spell on her.)
Julia: NO!!
Theodore: Julia darling... welcome back.
(Panel 5. Julia stands up and puts her arms around Theodore.)
Julia: Theo darling! Oh, it was terrible! The illusions seemed so real...
Theodore: Uh...
(Panel 6. Julia parts from Theodore.)
Julia: The Fez is out of his mind, and has been practicing the forbidden arts. We're the only ones that can defeat him, but we have to do it together.
Theodore: Perhaps you should explain things to me while I help this girl out.
(Panel 7. Carla and Luan are gone now, and Theodore and Julia are standing outside of Master Leep's bedroom.)
Caption (N): One explanation later...
Theodore: Hm... I don't know if we should do this after what happened last time I dabbled in ecumenicism... but if any two people can do the heart power thrust, it should be us... I just wish I knew how to do it.
Julia: There's a book on ecumenicism in the library here. It may explain how to do it.
(Panel 8. Inside the library, Julia and Theodore are reading a book together.)
Julia (reading): This sounds extremely dangerous.
Theodore: I don't see how we have a choice in using it. Granted, it could tear our relationship apart, but we've survived a lot of other things to have it stop now.
(Page 6, panel 1. Julia sets the book down.)
Theodore: Well, we need to try it out on something before we actually use it on the Fez.
Julia: Master Leep had some tackling dummies in his main training room.
(Panel 2. They hear a crash from off panel.)
SFX: CRASH!!
Theodore: Looks like we may not have time to test it out.
(Panel 3. Julia and Theodore rush out into the hall to see the Fez there. Another young girl, this one a brunette, is lying on the ground in the fetal position. She is in a fighting robe as well.)
Fez: Chirithu the goat boy's in the village again! He's trying to hurt the women, and kill the men!
Julia: Get ready, darling.
(Panel 4. Julia and Theodore take each other's hands.)
Theodore: Power of the spirit, power of love intertwine...
Julia: Let the greatest power of all be our guide...
(Panel 5. This panel is larger than the others. Julia and Theodore emit a white light from their chests that combine and strike the Fez. Both of them thrust their arms forward.)
Julia and Theodore (simultaneously): HEART POWER THRUST!!
Fez: AAAAHHHH!
Caption (N1): The Heart power thrust uses a couple's love as a weapon.
Caption (N2): For the case of Julia and Theodore Diggers, a very strong, powerful love plus mastery of their respective disciplines will equal one very dead Fez.
(Page 7, panel 1. The Fez's dark aura is gone, and he is falling towards the ground. Julia and Theodore also collapse. Behind the Fez, we see a large, gaping hole in the wall.)
Fez: Excuse me, while I puke and die...
(Panel 2. The Fez crashes on the floor, and vomits at the same time. We do not see him vomit, but we do see Luan and Carla enter. Carla has a shocked look on her face, while Luan looks repulsed. Carla is looking at the Diggers, while Luan is looking at the Fez.)
SFX: WHORPF!
Carla: Mistress Julia!
Luan: Oh, now that's disgusting...
(Panel 3. Later on, we see Julia and Theodore standing near the bed of master Leep. Behind them are Carla and Luan.)
Caption (N): Later still...
Leep: Thank you very much for saving me, Julia.
Julia: Think nothing of it, master Leep. However, try to control your students better next time.
(Panel 4.)
Leep: I did what I could. However, sometimes, thing will get beyond your control... that's when it helps to have someone else along to help out. Well, return home, you've earned a rest. My students will repair the large hole you've made.
(Panel 5. Julia and Theodore walk away arm in arm as Carla and Luan follow.)
Julia: I must say that the power we exuded was much beyond my expectation.
Theodore: Well, it just proves one thing... there is no power greater than true love.
(Panel 5. They walk away into the sunset.)
Julia: Well, the experience has left me wanting you again.
Theodore: Same here...
(Panel 6. We see Carla and Luan away from Julia and Theodore.)
Carla: Mistress Julia sure looks happy.
Luan: Why not? Her love has survived another test.
Caption (N): Dedicated to the memory of Dave Blood, 1954-2004. "You will cross dress no more." http://www.deadmilkmen.com.