A Day with Teri

A Quagmire, U.S.A. fanfic

By Quamp

 

Author's note: This is the story I submitted for the Dallas Animaefest 2005 fan fiction contest. While it did not even place, I still think it's a good story. (Then again, the grand prizewinner was on the judges' panel.)

 

The city of Quagmire, U.S.A. is like many small towns in America, except for one thing: It is a center for the unusual. When the reality-based TV show Police Action decided to come to Quagmire, they had no idea what they would get. The show picks a city, and follows a police officer around for one day. They arrived at the police station and were greeted by the chief. They were told they would ride with Officer Teri. She was better known to the citizens of Quagmire as Robogal Teri.

The chief called Teri into his office.

"Chief?" Teri asked. "McMurphy!" The chief responded. "That show Police Action is here. I want them to ride with you today."

"All right. This should be interesting." Teri responded.

Teri met up with the camera operator. He was a young man in his 20’s attired nondescriptly. This made him easier to hide when trouble struck. Teri got into the squad car and let the camera operator in as well. "You're in luck. Earl's garage has been working on the car for a month. They just finished yesterday." Teri said.

"What happened?" The camera operator asked.

"A giant robot stepped on it. We get a lot of that, you know." Teri replied. The camera operator had a tough time believing Teri....

Their first stop was a local park. On the way, they filmed a few scenes for the opening sequence. One of the things the camera crew noticed is that this small town off about 11,000 people had an abnormally large number of fire departments. Then they focused on Teri. "My name is Teri McMurphy, and I'm with the Quagmire police department." Teri said as she drove. "Quagmire is only one of two cities in the U.S.A. that doesn't have a state. The other is Washington, D.C. The reason why Quagmire doesn't have a state is that our city was de-annexed by the state about 12 years ago. They were running a huge deficit. Quagmire was draining their disaster relief fund dry."

At this point, however, the camera operator thought she was out of her mind. Little did he know....

Well, the first call Teri got was to stop a guy from busting up the parking lot at Quagmire mall. When she got there, Teri saw an older drunk guy in spandex pounding the concrete with a sledgehammer. "Take thash, thou mosh vile and dashardly villain!” He shouted in a slurred tone. Teri came up to him and confronted him. "Colonel Sledge, have you been drinking again?" Teri asked. "Ah, Teri. Theresh villainy afoot! We mush shtop it now!" He slurred. Teri turned to the camera. "This is Colonel Sledge. Back in the 1950's and 1960's, he was one of Quagmire's best heroes. Unfortunately, these days he suffers from acute senile dementia." Teri said to the cameras. "It's made worse when he drinks."

She then turned back to Colonel Sledge. "Colonel Sledge, you are needed at the rest home. I will take care of these people. Their boss is attacking the home."

Colonel Sledge looked up at Teri. "Zoundsh! Mine comradsh in peril? I mush away at once!" He said. Colonel Sledge then flew away.

"He's a good man, but a little out of it." Teri added.

Teri's second call came shortly thereafter. One of the students at Quagmire high was creating a 1/3rd size replica of Godzilla when it was stolen by some criminals. They decided to use it to rob First National bank of Quagmire. Upon arriving at the scene, Teri found the 15 foot mechanized behemoth spewing fire everywhere.

"Give me your money or I will set you all ablaze!" The leader said.

A quick change into her armor later, Teri confronted the criminals face-to-face. "That's far enough." Teri said.

The cameras captured this. "The pigs! You'll never take me!" The leader shouted as he told the robot to attack Teri.

Teri fired one shot at the robot, hitting one of its optical sensors. The mecha beast spun wildly around, spewing flames. The result was the bag of cash the leader had (and he had all the money stolen, by the way,) got ignited and burned up. Despite the leader's efforts, he couldn't save one dollar.

"You've been wrecked by your own devices. Surrender now." Teri demanded. Without the control, the leader had no choice but to surrender...

Shortly after this, Teri was with the camera operator and they were driving down the street where the high school is. They came upon Kassy Feeple and Asagi Nagaman engaged in a very vicious fight. Kassy was armed with a laser pistol and Asagi had her lucky katana.

"You do it!" Asagi shouted.

"No way! You do it!" Kassy said.

Teri then broke up the fight. "All right, what's going on here?" Teri asked.

"There is no way I'm doing that!" Asagi said.

It turned out the loser of the fight would have to sit next to Bento during lunch. Bento, of course, is the local ninja pervert.

"Why don't you just have Bento sit at the end and have Lexus sit next to him?" Teri asked. Kassy and Asagi looked at each other for a bit.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Kassy asked.

Teri gave them a warning and sent them back to class.

"Those two. They remind me of Ichi-Kun and Asrial at their ages." Teri said. She then explained about Ichi and Asrial, causing the camera operator to turn his camera off, lest people think that Quagmire's best police officer was a nutcase...

Lunch was uneventful, that is, by Quagmire standards. Teri showed the camera operator the Sakura Inn, where she ate on occasion. Sami and her uncle were more than happy to have the extra business. Teri had an edamé salad when two scruffy-looking teenagers came in. They should have been in school, but they were skipping school. Teri, still clad in her armor, went to confront them.

"Boys, aren't you supposed to be in school now?" Teri asked. The turned around and saw Teri standing there.

"It's a pig! Kill her!" One of them shouted. The pilled out semi-automatic guns and started firing. While the others dove for cover, Teri merely sighed as the bullets bounced off her armor. "They always have to do this the hard way, don't they?" She said. Whack! Teri then hit one of them in the hand, causing him to drop his gun. "Now boys, I'm giving you one last chance to behave, before I get angry." Teri said as the boys ran out of ammo. "Aw man, we're out of bullets!" One of them said. Robogal Teri merely picked up one of them by the collar of his leather jacket. "I'm afraid I've got to take you two in." She said. To this date, this was the only time these two did not resist arrest.

Well, once those two boys were safely at juvenile detention hall, Robogal Teri took the film crew on a tour of Quagmire some more. She showed them the R.N.C. Building, the Salusian embassy and the mysterious Flansburgh pole. It was once part of a home. The thing about the Flansburgh pole was this: No matter how many times Quagmire gets destroyed, it would still be standing. In fact, there have been times when the only thing left of Quagmire was the Flansburgh pole. A marker showed it as a historic site. Teri described the history of the pole to the camera operator, only now he was starting to believe her.

BA-WHOOM!!!! The explosion came from several miles away, but the large orange cloud that reeked of rotting eggs was unmistakable. "Well, better see if the they need rescuing again." Teri said. The camera operator, who was already nervous from the earlier incidents, looked at Teri as if she had lost her mind. "How can you remain so calm when the city you're sworn to protect is getting destroyed so much?" The camera operator asked. "You get used to it." Teri replied tersely.

Upon arriving on the scene, Teri found a middle-aged man dressed in rags lying on the ground.

"Great. Refuse has been at it again." She said. She then pulled out her radio. "It's Teri. Send the firemen to Refuse's place." Teri said. "One of his experiments went wrong again."

Teri then looked at the camera.

"Dr. Refuse here believes it's possible to turn garbage into a usable fuel He's dedicated his life to finding out how. Unfortunately, he's been met with failure every time." She said. "He was a student of Professor Steamhead and idolizes him."

Well, Teri checked over Refuse and found he had a few small cuts and minor burns. Refuse woke up shortly afterwards.

"Almost had it that time. The mixture is just proving to be too volatile." Refuse said.

Officer Teri merely rolled her eyes at him. "Dr. Refuse, please be more careful next time." She said.

About 10 minutes later one of Quagmire's many fire departments arrived and put out the fire. The head of this company was often in contact with Teri. "Refuse again, hmm?" He asked. "Yup." Teri responded.

While the two of them were good friends, he had a job to do. Teri took a statement from a witness, and then it was back to headquarters. While on the way back, the camera operator asked Teri if she was always this busy. "Oh heavens no. This has been a slow day." Teri responded.

The camera operator could only wonder two things: what has he gotten himself into, and why any sane person would live here...

Upon arriving at headquarters, Teri filed her reports with the secretary. The chief then came in. "Chief?" Teri asked. "McMurphy!" The Chief said.

 "We got trouble over at the Masters home again. On your way back, swing by Earl's and check on your motorcycle." The chief said.

"Will do." Teri replied.

Out they went again and over to the home of Mimi Masters. When they got there, they found that one of Mimi's many enemies had sent an ironclad golem to kill her. Since Mimi's magic was useless against this foe, Mimi was having a tough time against this golem. Teri arrived to see Mimi watching this golem trashing anything it could get its hands on. Mimi was trying to formulate a plan to stop the golem. Teri joined her. "What can you tell me about this golem?" Teri asked.

"It's a magical construct covered in non-magical iron. If I could break its armor, my aura magic could stop it."

Mimi said.

Teri thought for a moment. "I think I have something here." She said.

Teri went to the trunk of the squad car and pulled out what looked like a flame-thrower. Right as she got it out, the golem struck her squad car, smashing it into pieces. "Man, and we just got it fixed too." Teri said.

Teri pointed the device at the golem and fired. Out from the device two chemicals came forth and mixed when they hit the golem. This created a powerful acid that ate a hole in the golem's armor. Teri stopped firing once there was a hole big enough to fire a magic missile. "Thank you, Officer Teri. I'll take it from here." Mimi said as she shot a magic missile into the hole. The golem fell like lead and crashed to the ground. After about 5 minutes, all that was left was an empty iron shell and the nasty smell of burnt limburger cheese. "Say, that's the device that guy had, isn't it?" Mimi asked.

"Yea, he called himself Acidwash. He's over in the federal pen doing a dime." Teri said. "Well, looks like that's passed. Oh, by the way, thanks for that recipe you gave me. It was delicious."

The camera operator seemed relieved that the problem was gone, but confused as to how these two could be so blasé about what happened.

 "No problem. That's what friends are for." Mimi responded.

They had a pleasant conversation as if nothing major had happened earlier. After awhile, Teri asked Mimi to teleport her and the camera operator over to Earl's garage. Mimi agreed to do so, and sent them about their way.

Earl and George were at the garage when Teri and the camera operator teleported in.

"George, you seen a camera operator with Teri before?" Earl asked.

"Nope... 'Tweren’t with her yesterday." George replied.

Teri came up to George. "Oh, he's with that reality TV show Police Action." Teri told George. "They're following me today."

George smiled. "Well, what can I do fer the prettiest lawgal in Quagmire today?" He asked.

"George, the squad car got trashed again. It's over by Mimi's house. Can you get someone to get it for you?" Teri asked.

"Yup." George said. "Still workin' on the cycle though. Gettin' a part shipped overnight from China. Should be ready tomorrow."

Teri grimaced. "Looks like we've got to use the third-stringer again." Teri said.

This was, of course, the mecha transformational suit. Teri hated driving the thing. It was damaged a bit during a battle a few months ago, it leaked practically every fluid imaginable and it got a whopping 8 miles to the gallon. George and Earl weren’t able to fix the thing, but Teri drove it away with the camera operator on her back.

Well, on the way back to the police station, they stumbled upon Bento Katana in a street sword dueling with a ninja clad in black. "Bento! How many times have I told you, keep the fights off the streets!?" Teri shouted at Bento after turning from car to robot form. Although she a few times before changing.

"You're blocking traffic again!" Teri shouted.

Bento looked over at Officer Teri while blocking the ninja's sword with his own. "It wasn't my idea to fight in the streets!" Bento said.

Officer Teri then separated them. She held one up in each hand. "Boys, boys, boys. Keep the fight on the sidewalks at least! Better still, do it in the dojo. If I catch either of you like this again, it's straight to jail! Do I make myself clear?" Teri asked.

"Yes ma'am." Bento and the ninja said simultaneously.

Teri dropped them on the sidewalk. "Now behave!" Teri snapped as she turned to exit.

After a brief pause, Teri went back into motorcycle mode. "You're just going to let them go like that?" The camera operator asked.

"If I ran in everyone I caught fighting, 9/10ths of Quagmire's population would be in jail now." Teri said. "I'm just grateful Bento didn't drool all over me like he usually does."

As the car limped away, the ninja looked over at Bento.

"Who was that?" The ninja asked.

"That's Officer Teri. She's Quagmire's best cop." Bento said.

"She's really hot." The ninja said.

"She's already got a boyfriend." Bento said. It turned out that these two ninja perverts were fighting over who was hotter: Asagi or Kassy....

Well, after getting back to the station, Teri filled out more paperwork, which took up the rest of her shift. She turned it in and told everyone she was going home. The camera operator packed up his stuff and headed to the airport. "Man, the guys back home are never going to believe all of this...." He said.

Sure enough, the producers saw the footage the camera operator had brought with him.

"All of this happened in one day?" A producer asked.

"Well... Yea. Seems like all the legends about Quagmire were true." The camera operator said.

They refused to believe him, and decided to call Officer Teri. When they called, the chief answered the phone. The chief said that Teri was out helping the evacuation of Quagmire due to a toxic gas leak. "Hold on, I got another call." He added.

After being on hold for a few minutes, he came back on the line. "Gotta go - we got a guy trying to destroy Quagmire with a giant slug." The chief said. He hung up the phone.

"All right, we show the episode, but we're NEVER going back to Quagmire again." The producer said.

 

-End-