Generic Manga 1-shot

Some short stories that turn manga's conventions upside-down.

(Page 1, panel 1. This lists credits plus has a list of the characters in various generic manga dramatic poses.)

Dramatis Personae:

(Notice how this is listed using the Latin term? That makes it sound more elitist, don't you think?)

Chip Amiable: Generic likeable lad-hero. Chip's your basic kid that has some special power that will help him do lots of things, like get the girl in the end. His pony tail signifies that he's in a home with a lot of hot babes.

Trey Despondent: Generic villain. Don't try to humanize Trey, it's not possible. He's 100% hatred and bile. He's there just to oppose our heroes.

Vix Essenem: Generic tart babe. Vix is ever aware of her feminine wiles, and won't hesitate to use them to get what she wants. She's both the good and bad girl.

Haiwanto Ghetsum: Generic girl-crazy guy. Haiwanto has only one purpose in life: getting lucky with a babe. Unfortunately, he always goes about things the wrong way, causing women to think of him as something between lawyers and politicians.

Guy Iconic: Generic hero with a sword. Guy's done all the action stuff, from rescuing babes to driving fast cars ad infinitum and ad nauseam. He's obsessed with his mission and brussels sprouts, but nobody can figure out why, since he hates brussels sprouts.

Jenny Limber: Generic dim bulb heroine. Jenny's not that bright, but that doesn't stop her from being Guy Iconic's main squeeze. She's content to be the damsel in distress or the backup for Guy.

Katie Saccharine: Generic obscenely cheerful girl: This lass is ever the optimist, and can't wait to spread her good cheer around. She's at home in the home, and will serve up good food while filling your life with so much sweetness it will make you want to puke.

Story #1: The Bizarre Love Triangle

(Page 2, panel 1. A pleasant urban apartment. Chip amiable is sitting at a computer, visiting AP's website. His hands are on the keyboard typing. Chip is attired in a shirt, shorts, running shoes, and a baseball cap with his pony tail sticking out the back. Nearby, Vix, Katie, and Jenny are looking over the script. The three of them have a copy of the script each in their hands. Vix is attired in a low-cut blouse and miniskirt with stiletto pumps; Katie is attired in her schoolgirl's outfit with a loose, short skirt on it plus tennis shoes. Jenny is wearing a blouse, shorts, and running shoes.)

Caption (N): We join the action already in progress. Our heroines have to compete for the affections of our hero.

Vix: O.k., it says here that we're all living under the same roof as roommates. Each of us wants the love of Chip.

Katie: Oh, I just know that I'll have him! He's going to love my cooking!

Jenny: Uh... where does that leave me?

(Panel 2. Vix looks with contempt at Jenny.)

Vix: You're out of the picture already, Jenny. Bimbos never get the guy.

Katie: Well, then that means you won't get him either. I win!

(Panel 3. Vix gets face-to-face with Katie.)

Vix: Put a cork in it! I will have the love of Chip, and you can't stop me!

Katie: We'll just see about that!

(Panel 4. Chip stops typing and stands up.)

Chip: Ladies, please, keep it down! I'm nearing the perfection of my Superior Mark-up Language! Soon, every web site on the Internet will use SML because it's fast, easy, and can do everything! I'll be the greatest computer programmer that ever lived!

Katie: Oh, sorry Chip.

Vix: Right.

(Panel 5. Chip sits down and starts typing again.)

Jenny: Erm.. Aren't women not supposed to be attracted to computer programmers? They're like super geeks, right?

Vix: Just step back and take defeat graciously, Jenny. When Chip patents his SML, he's going to be very rich, and that will overcome anything else.

(Panel 6. Katie gets an evil smile on her face.)

Katie: Let's settle this simply. We'll each cook a meal for Chip, and the meal he likes the most will be the one who gets him.

Vix: You're on. Get ready to lose.

Vix's thoughts: Since I'll sabotage your meal.

(Page 3, panel 1. The kitchen. Jenny Limber is standing over a pot on the stove. The pot has something boiling in it. Katie is busy making a sandwich on the other side of the kitchen.)

Caption (N): Later on...

Jenny: I hope this is something Chip will like.

Katie: Well, he's going to like this sandwich even more!

(Panel 2. We see Vix smiling an evil smile as Katie and Jenny continue to cook.)

Vix's thoughts: This is perfect... I've sabotaged the catsup on Katie's sandwich, and Jenny's naturally bad at cooking. I will win!

(Panel 3. Vix has a plate of pasta in a sauce in her hands.)

Vix's thoughts: This pasta dish is perfect! Soon, Chip will be all mine...

(Panel 4. We see Chip typing on his computer again. This time, he's at the AP messageboards. Jenny, Katie, and Vix are behind him. They each have a plate with an item of food on it. Katie has her sandwich on the plate. Jenny has a vegetable medley; Vix has her pasta dish.)

All girls: Oh Chip, are you hungry?

(Panel 5. Chip doesn't bother to turn around, but continues to type on his keyboard.)

Chip: Well, I did skip lunch... all right, get me a soda, will you?

(Panel 6. Vix spins Chip around, turning him away from his keyboard.)

Jenny: Come on, Chip. We worked hard to bring you this stuff.

(Page 4, panel 1. Chip shies away from Jenny and her vegetables.)

Chip: Ah! Vegetables! Get them away from me!

Vix (in a condescending tone): Aw, looks like you lose, Jenny.

Jenny: Bummer.

(Panel 2. Katie and Vix offer their plates for Chip. Chip looks the plates over.)

Vix: Come on, Chippy wippy... aren't you hungry?

Chip: Well, I guess I could have something to eat.

(Panel 3. Chip takes Katie's sandwich, and takes a bite out of it.)

Katie: Well, what do you think?

Chip: Hmm... not bad...

(Panel 4. Chip suddenly drops the sandwich, and spews fire from his mouth.)

Chip: AAAH!

Katie: Ohmigawd! Chip!

(Panel 5. Vix holds up her bowl of pasta.)

Vix: Here, try this. It's nice and cool...

(Panel 6. Pull back to see them on a stage.)

Voice (From off screen): Cut and print! Great job, everyone. That's a rap for today, we'll meet at 8 sharp tomorrow.

(Page 5, panel 1. The next morning, our heroines have assembled for the shoot. They are attired as they were the previous day, and are sitting around the living room.)

Katie: Did you see that dress Michelle wore two days ago? Talk about a total rag!

Vix: Yea, her dress sooo clashed with that purse she was carrying.

Jenny: Gawd, how did she think she could even wear that?

(Panel 2. The three of them look at the camera.)

Voice (from off panel): Girls, we've got a slight change here.

(Panel 3.)

Katie: What's up?

Voice (from off panel): Chip was out skateboarding last night and fell off. He's now in the hospital with several broken ribs and a busted arm.

Jenny: Bummer! Does that mean this production's coming to a halt?

(Panel 4. The three ladies look relieved.)

Voice: No, we're replacing Chip with someone else.

Jenny: Well, if it's Guy Iconic, then I've got the inside track on getting him!

Katie: What makes you say that?

(Panel 5. The ladies now look uneasy.)

Voice: Well... Guy is filming a scene for his story right now. He couldn't get time off.

Vix: O.k... so we've got Trey Despondent here... I can handle that...

(Panel 6. The ladies now have a look of sheer terror on their faces.)

Voice: Well... it's not Trey either.

Jenny: But if it's not Trey, Chip or Guy...

Katie: Oh no, that can only mean...

Vix: Not him! Anyone but him! I'd rather fawn over a cardboard cut-out of Chip than him!

(Page 6, panel 1. Haiwanto Ghetsum enters, smiling a broad smile. All three ladies look crestfallen off a cliff.)

Haiwanto: Oh - be still my heart! Three beautiful girls competing for me!

Jenny: Haiwanto Ghetsum.

Katie: Couldn't you have found someone else?

Voice (from off panel): No! Now get to the story!

(Panel 2. Haiwanto gets close to Jenny, who naturally shies away.)

Haiwanto: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen!

Jenny: Uh... okay... whatever...

(Panel 4. Haiwanto gets close to Katie, who doesn't like being in the same room with him, let alone having him 1 foot away.)

Haiwanto: Oh - you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen!

Katie: Didn't you just say that to Jenny here?

(Panel 5. Haiwanto then gets close to Vix, who has a sour look on her face.)

Haiwanto: Oh - you're the prettiest girl I've ever met!

(Panel 6. This panel is just the sound effect.)

SFX: KA-WHAM!!

(Page 7, panel 1. Haiwanto is lying on the ground, with Vix's Soujo mallet on top of him.)

Vix: I am not something for you to drool over! If you want to have me, you're going to have to change that attitude, mister!

(Panel 2. Jenny and Katie, aside.)

Jenny: You can have him.

Katie: No, you should have him.

(Panel 3. Jenny is pushing Katie towards Hiwanto. Katie is resisting tooth and nail at this.)

Jenny: Oh, but I insist. You should have him.

Katie: I don't want him! You can have him!

(Panel 4. Katie is now pushing Jenny towards Hiwanto, and Jenny resists this.)

Katie: He's perfect for you!

Jenny: No way! He'd be better off with you!

(Panel 5. Hiwanto, now free of Vix's mallet, approaches Jenny and Katie. They point at each other at the same time.)

Hiwanto: Wow! Two beautiful girls and I get to choose from them! I can't decide!

Jenny and Katie (simultaneously): Pick her!

(Panel 6. We see Vix getting an idea. She has a light bulb over her head.)

Vix: That's it... I know how to deal with this n00b.

(Page 8, panel 1. Vix gets close to Hiwanto.)

Vix: Oh Hiwanto... you just can't decide on which girl to choose, can you?

Hiwanto: Uh...

(Panel 2. Vix cozies up to Hiwanto.)

Vix: Well, just look at what you'll get if you choose me...

Hiwanto: You're the bestest one of them all!

(Panel 3. Vix puts her arm around Hiwanto. Hiwanto now has a nosebleed.)

Vix: Come on you gorgeous hunk of man you... show me what you've got.

(Panel 4. Hiwanto passes out, falling down onto the floor.)

SFX: WHUMP!

Jenny: He... passed out?

Vix: Hiwanto's lot in life is never to get lucky with a woman. Now if you'll excuse me...

(Panel 5. Vix runs off of the stage, covering her mouth with her hand.)

Katie: Well, look on the bright side. At least we don't have to deal with Mr. raging hormones here.

(Panel 6. Katie and Jenny pull a sour face as Vix throws up off panel.)

Vix (from off panel): BLEARGH!!

Katie: Eeuu. Now that is just icky-poo.

Jenny: I am so not cleaning that up.

(Page 9, panel 1. Jenny looks over at the computer Chip was typing on the previous day.)

Katie: Good thing it's Vix's turn to clean up the bathroom this week.

(Panel 2. Reenter Vix.)

Vix: Well, that was a dirty job, but someone had to do it.

Jenny: Hey... Chip finished his SML language thing...

(Panel 3. All three girls get dollar signs in their eyes and evil smiles on their faces.)

Vix: So he finished the code, hmm...?

(Panel 4. All three girls dive for the computer. They collide with each other, and Katie's skirt goes flying up, revealing her panties.)

Jenny: I saw it first!

Katie: No way! It's mine!

Vix: I'll beat you both for it!

(Panel 5. We see Hiwanto standing nearby, looking at the three girls, who are fighting each other.)

Hiwanto: Girls fighting over me? Be still my heart!

Jenny: Skank!

Vix: Witch!

Katie: Bad girl!

-End-