Gold Digger: "Charlotte's First Night Out"

(Page 1, panel 1. The home of Penny Pincer. Charlotte is in her room, sitting at the computer terminal. She is busy typing away at the computer. Charlotte is attired in a pleasant one-color white blouse and a pair of pants. Behind her is a poster that reads "The Old 97's.")

Caption (N): Charlotte has done a lot of things online. This one may cost her dearly.

(Panel 2. Charlotte continues to type on the PC.)

Charlotte's thoughts: Well, that's enough chatting, let's go and check our e-mail here...

(Panel 3. Charlotte moves the mouse of the PC.)

Charlotte's thoughts: Hey, the First Night Out people responded to me.

(Panel 3. Charlotte smiles as she moves the mouse around some more.)

Charlotte's thoughts: We are pleased to accept your application to appear on our show. We will be in your area in three weeks, and we want you to appear then. We have found a match that is compatible with you.

(Panel 4. Charlotte throws up her arms in excitement. She has joy and excitement written all over her.)

Charlotte: All right!! I'm going to be on the show!!

(Panel 5. Enter Penny Pincer. She is attired in a modest blouse and blue jeans. Charlotte turns around to see Penny there.)

Penny: What are you yelling about?

Charlotte: I signed up online and got accepted to the dating show First Night Out! I'm going on a date!!

Caption (N): For Penny Pincer, this is like watching two trains rushing towards each other.

(Panel 6. Penny looks a bit worried here.)

Caption (N): You know there's going to be a horrible wreck, but you're powerless to stop it.

Penny: Uh... Charlotte, do you really think that's a good idea?

Charlotte: Sure! I told them everything I wanted in a guy and they say they're going to deliver! Isn't that exciting?

(Panel 7. Penny looks very nervous at Charlotte. Charlotte looks hurt.)

Penny: Those shows only have two kinds of guys: the kind that are out for sex only and the kind that are lower than dirt.

Charlotte: Come on, Penny! I want a boyfriend like you've got!

(Panel 8. Penny puts her hand on Charlotte's shoulder in a reassuring gesture.)

Penny: Believe me, I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found a prince. There's no dissuading you from this, is there?

Charlotte: But I told them I didn't want a guy that was just out to get me in bed. They say they've found one.

(Page 2, panel 1. Penny removes her hand from Charlotte's shoulder, and looks frustrated. Charlotte smiles.)

Penny: Well, I guess I have to let you experience this for yourself.

Charlotte: Thanks Penny! Now, I'm going to need a stunning dress and a makeover for this one...

(Panel 2. The First Night Out set. The hostess is a woman named Cassee. She reeks of plastic surgery, from her liposuctioned butt to her saline-bag breasts to her botox-laden face. She is a bleach blonde, long haired woman whose black roots show. She is clad in a very low-cut white dress and a pair of very tight low-rise jeans. An arrow pointing to her reads: "100% fake." She smiles an insincere, toothy grin as she juts her breasts forward and jiggles them in this panel. The set behind her is a simple wall with a TV monitor on it. The monitor has the First Night Out Logo on it. The logo looks like this:)

F

NIGHT

R

S

OUT

Cassee: Hi, welcome to First Night Out. I'm your hostess with the mostess, Cassee. Let's get started with the dates, all right?

(Panel 2. The monitor behind Cassee shows a face shot of Charlotte.)

Cassee: Our first dater tonight is a girl named Charlotte. She's a harpy - literally. But unlike harpies of old, Charlotte's a sweet, kind, gentle soul that's very trusting of us. Let's hear more from her.

(Panel 3. We see Charlotte standing on the F.N.O. set. She is attired in a pleasant, modest dress.)

Charlotte: I want a guy who's sweet, caring, and loving just like me. When I go on a date, I want the guy to feel special, like he and I were made for each other. You see, I really want to be in love. All my friends are in love, and I want to experience that too!

(Panel 4. We see Cassee again on the F.N.O. set. Next to her we see a picture of Collin the were-hyena. He is a guy with hyena-like features and a goatee.)

Cassee: My, she sounds so sweet, doesn't she? Well, her date is a man named Collin. He's a really horny hyena, literally. Collin is a were-hyena. He loves telling jokes. What does he want in a woman? Let's ask him.

(Panel 5. We see Collin on the F.N.O. set. He is a handsome, muscular guy attired in a golf shirt and slacks.)

Collin: I want me a babe that's eager to please. I like making the good ones bad and the bad ones even worse. If she doesn't put out on the first date, she's out of here. I like 'em hot and eager to please!

(Panel 6. Go back to Cassee on the F.N.O. set.)

Cassee: Well, looks like both of them have their work cut out for each other. Hey, it could work, right...?

(Panel 7. We see Collin walking up a driveway towards Penny's home. We see him attired in a polo shirt and blue jeans.)

Caption (N): Collin. Hasn't had sex in two weeks. For him, that's too long a time. He wants it bad now.

(Panel 8. Collin is at the front door, and rings the doorbell.)

SFX: Ding-dong!

Collin: She'd better be good to me...

(Page 3, panel 1. Charlotte answers the door. She is attired in a moderate-cut one-piece dress that has a skirt that comes to the knee.)

Caption (N): Charlotte. Harpy. Sweet, loving and trusting woman. Also an expert at unarmed combat.

Collin: Hi, I'm Collin. Are you Charlotte?

Charlotte: Yea. I'm all set to go.

(Panel 2. The two of them walk towards Collin's sports car. It's screams ladies' man on the prowl for sex sports car.)

Collin: So do you want a good time tonight?

Charlotte: Sure, that's why I signed up for this.

(Panel 3. Collin is sitting in the driver's seat, and Charlotte is in the passenger's seat. Charlotte has her hands in her lap, and Collin has his hands on the wheel.)

Collin: so what do you do for a living?

Charlotte: I'm a personal assistant to a big-time archeologist.

(Panel 4. Collin drives the car down the street.)

Collin: Sounds exciting.

Charlotte: Well, she's always getting into some kind of trouble. I've had to save her quite a number of times from various things. So what do you do for a living?

(Panel 5. They stop at a stoplight.)

Collin: I'm a personal trainer and martial arts expert.

Charlotte: Really? I'm an expert at martial arts too!

(Panel 6. Collin smiles nervously.)

Caption (N): What he's thinking: I wanted us to have something in common, but this wasn't what I had in mind...

Collin: Well, that's part of what they got in store for us in round one.

(Panel 7. A karate studio. Charlotte and Collin are there, attired in karate robes with black belts. With them is another woman. This pleasant blonde woman is in a karate robe, and wears a black belt as well.)

Caption (N): Let's strike the hornet's nest, shall we?

Woman: Welcome to the Tao-Tai-Te training center. Today we're going to see how well versed you are in unarmed fighting techniques.

Charlotte: Oh, I learned all about that.

(Panel 8. The woman holds up a board that measures 2"x4"x1'. Charlotte strikes the board, breaking it into tiny bits. There is a CGI image that reads "His Chances"on the board.)

SFX: SKRASH!

(Page 4, panel 1. We see Charlotte and Collin sparring. Charlotte uses a karate throw to throw Collin to the ground.)

Caption (N): Later...

SFX: Slam!

(Panel 2. Collin uneasily stands up as Charlotte looks somewhat nervous.)

Charlotte: Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to....

Collin: Only my pride is wounded.

Collin's thoughts: The things I do to get some action...

(Panel 3. Charlotte shows of a karate kick, kicking her leg in a roundhouse crescent. She does not hit anyone, however.)

Woman: Your style seems to be derived from the Leep school.

Collin: Hmm... Leep always did like to train female students...

Collin's thoughts: I am SO in!

Charlotte: I don't know about that. I was trained by my friend Britanny.

(Panel 4. Collin strikes a board, tearing it into pieces.)

SFX: WHAM!

Caption (N): What he's thinking: "May your resistance crumble like this board."

(Panel 5. Charlotte and Collin are ending their practice. The two of them bow before the woman. The word Innuendo is going in Charlotte's left ear, and out the right one.)

Woman: Both of you are very good at martial arts.

Collin: Well, it's not the only thing I'm good at.

(Panel 6. They are in the outfits that they were in earlier. They are walking out of the school.)

Caption (N): A shower and change back later...

Charlotte: So where are we going next?

Collin: Well, I've worked up an appetite, are you hungry?

(Panel 7. Charlotte and Collin arrive back at his car.)

Charlotte: Yea, let's go have dinner.

(Panel 8. Collin holds hands with Charlotte as they walk to his car.)

Collin's thoughts: She's letting me hold her hand... that's a good sign.

Caption (N): Translation: She'll do me later.

(Page 5, panel 1. A pleasant bistro. The place is done in an Italian café motif. Charlotte sits on one side of the table, and Collin sits on the other side. An arrow pointing to Charlotte reads "Not a clue." An arrow pointing to Collin reads: "Not a chance.")

Collin's thoughts: Time to pull out the humor here.

Collin: So what do you think about politics?

Charlotte: Oh, I don't get into that stuff too much - those guys tend to be bad.

(Panel 2. Collin smiles.)

Collin: Well, it's like a lady friend of mine said, the only Bush I trust is my own.

SFX: Bud-da-bing!!*

Caption (N): * Bad rimshot.

(Panel 3. Charlotte looks confused.)

Charlotte: I don't get it.

Collin: Well... never mind.

Caption (N): And neither will Collin.

(Panel 4. Charlotte and Collin have finished their meals.)

Caption (N): After the main course...

Collin: So are you ready for dessert? It's a real crowd pleaser.

Charlotte: Dessert?

(Panel 5. The waiter enters, and holds out for Charlotte a candy cane on a tray.)

Charlotte: A candy cane? But it's not Christmas time yet.

Collin: Oh, come on, don't you like candy canes?

(Panel 6. Charlotte grimaces at the banana. There is a CGI about 3 men in silhouette on a bench. The bench reads: "First Night Out audience" on it. The men are angry and shaking their fists.)

Charlotte: I have to watch my figure.

Collin: Oh man....

F.N.O. guy #1 (on the left side): BOO!!

F.N.O. guy #2 (on the right side): HISS!!

(Panel 7. A CGI image of the word HINT is in the shape of a baseball bat, and beating Charlotte in the head. The waiter with the candy cane is gone now.)

Collin: So do you hate all kinds of candy canes?

Charlotte: You mean there's more than one kind?

(Panel 8. Charlotte and Collin are walking out of the restaurant.)

Charlotte: So where do you want to go next?

Collin: I how about a hot tub?

Caption (N): What he means: Is there anything I can do to get you to say yes?

(Page 6, panel 1. A hot tub. Collin is there wearing a pair of swimtrunks. He is sitting in the hot tub waiting for Charlotte. He is talking on a cell phone to someone.)

Collin: Oh man, tonight's the night I get very lucky indeed. Charlotte here is absolutely fine! She's agreed to meet me in the hot tub here. I think God is smiling on me tonight. I just got to play this sweet angle a little more and I am getting lucky tonight!

(Panel 2. Charlotte enters in a bikini. Behind her, we see a CGI image of several pairs of eyes staring at her. Collin's eyes go wide )

Collin (1): Oh - I'll call you back.

Collin (2): Wow...

Charlotte: All right, I'm in a bikini now. Are you happy?

(Panel 3. Collin helps Charlotte into the hot tub. Collin smiles as he helps Charlotte into the hot tub.)

Collin: Very happy.

(Panel 4. Collin puts an arm around Charlotte.)

Collin: So have you had a good time tonight?

Charlotte: Well, it was nice...

(Panel 5. Collin cozies up to Charlotte. She is still clueless about his intentions.)

Collin: So do you like holding me this close?

Caption (N): Translation: Are you ready to kiss, babe?

Charlotte: Well... I don't know...

(Panel 6. Collin goes in for the kiss, but Charlotte stops him from kissing her.)

Charlotte: What are you doing?

(Panel 7. Collin pulls back from Charlotte. Collin has a stamp on his torso that reads "denied.")

Charlotte: Are you one of those horned cats?

Collin: Horn dogs, and no I'm not.

(Panel 8. Another stamp appears over Collin that reads "liar." The three F.N.O. fans on the bench are back for this panel, and angry again.)

Charlotte: I really don't kiss on the first date.

F.N.O. guy #1 (on the left): HISS!!

F.N.O. guy #2 (on the right): BOO!!

F.N.O. guy #3 (in the middle): Come on, kiss him!!

(Page 7 panel 1. Collin pleads with Charlotte, but she isn't swayed.)

Collin: Come on, babe. Don't you want to get it on?

Charlotte: Get what on?

(Panel 2. Collin is starting to get frustrated.)

Collin: I really feel you, and I want you to put out.

Charlotte: Put what out?

(Panel 3. Collin rolls his eyes at Charlotte. She looks shocked.)

Collin: I want you to kiss me.

Charlotte: You can't be serious! I don't kiss on the first date!

(Panel 4. Charlotte steps out of the hot tub. Collin is a mixture of let down, angry, and depressed.)

Charlotte: I think I want to go home now.

Collin: What? What happened here? Charlotte!

(Panel 5. Go back to Cassee in the F.N.O. studio. Behind her in the monitor is a picture of Collin in the hot tub.)

Cassee: Well, looks like Mr. Smooth operator got shot down here. Let's see what they have to say after these commercial words.

(Panel 6. We see Charlotte standing by herself, attired in a bikini. Behind her is a pool.)

Caption (N): Insert useless, junky commercials here.

Charlotte: I thought Collin was really sweet until he asked me to make love to him. I even liked kissing him. I was hoping to find a nice, sweet guy, but instead I got one of those horned cats. I thought I said none of that on my application. I really trusted you guys, and you let me down. That really hurts.

(Panel 7. We see Collin sitting in the hot tub, still attired in his swimsuit.)

Collin: Man, I thought I had Charlotte. She seemed to like me, and she came out to the hot tub with me. Her bod was absolutely wonderful, and the kind a guy really wants. I don't know where I went wrong!

(Panel 8. We see Cassee in the F.N.O. studio. The F.N.O. logo is on the screen.)

Cassee: Well, don't you think it was because you went for the kiss too quickly!? Duh! And people say I'm clueless. Well, hopefully our next couple will be much better. We'll see them after this.

(Page 8, panel 1. Penny's place. Charlotte and Penny are standing opposite each other. Both are attired in pleasant dresses. Charlotte is an emotional wreck, and crying. She has her face buried in her hands.)

Caption (N): The next day...

Charlotte: He started out being so nice. I thought I'd find a good guy on that show... they really let me down!

Penny: Well, sometimes you have to make a mistake to learn from it.

(Panel 2. Penny tries to comfort Charlotte.)

Penny: Love really can't be forced. It strikes you when it strikes you. There's someone out there for you, and someday you'll meet him.

(Panel 3.)

Penny: The first guy I ever dated turned out to be a total jerk. You just have to let things flow.

Charlotte: Well, you aren't really likely to meet a hot hunk on the adventures we've been having of late....

(Panel 4. Later on, Charlotte is at her PC again. She is typing on it. She is in a blouse and miniskirt.)

Caption (N): Several days later...

Charlotte: Time to check the e-mail again...

(Panel 5. Charlotte moves the mouse around.)

Charlotte's thoughts: An e-mail from the First Night Out people?

(Panel 6. Charlotte moves the mouse around some more.)

Charlotte's thoughts (Reading): Your first appearance on First Night Out generated an overwhelming response from our viewers. We would like to invite you back on a second date. This time, we have been more careful with our screening process. You may trust us this time.

(Panel 7. Charlotte types onto the computer.)

Charlotte's thoughts: Thank you very much for your interest in me. However, at this time, I choose not to appear on your show again.

(Panel 8.)

Charlotte's thoughts: Send e-mail... and done.

-End-