Gold Digger: Edge Guard: "Audition Day"

Done with sincere apologies to Todd Nauck.

(Page 1, panel 1. The members of the Edge Guard are standing around in their dojo. They are attired in their uniforms.)

Caption (N): Trouble is ever expanding in the realm of Jade. As a consequence, the Edge guard has to expand as well. Too much trouble in too many places for five were-people to handle.

Throban: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Onoli: We don't have any other choice, Throban. We have to find a new member. The forces we've been facing of late have just been overwhelming.

(Panel 2. Onoli shouts to someone off panel.)

Onoli: Send in the first one, Cleo!!

(Panel 3. A young blonde man enters. He is attired in a simple tunic and sports a sword on his back.)

Onoli: O.k., what's your name?

Man: Yount.

(Panel 3. The Edge guard look Yount over.)

Onoli: So what kind of a were-cat are you?

Yount: I'm not a were-cat. I'm a normal human.

Throban: So why do you want to be in our team?

(Panel 4. Yount smiles at Sheila, surrounded by hearts. She isn't amused by this, and rolls her eyes at Yount.)

Yount: Because I think Sheila is a total babe and I want to be around her some more. Especially when she's in her human form!

Sheila: NEXT!!

(Panel 5. Sheila gestures to the door as Yount tries to plea his case.)

Yount: Come on, babe. Give me a chance. Won't you show that luscious human form of yours some more?

Sheila: This is not a place for raging hormones. Get out now!

Onoli: There I must agree with you. We're going to be up to our necks in villains. We don't have time for inter-group fraternizing.

(Panel 6. Yount heads towards the exit.)

Yount: Your loss, babe.

Tigra: Some people....

(Panel 7. Yount has exited.)

Throban: Oh, you're one to talk.

Tigra: Come on, I can't help it if the ladies like me.

(Panel 8. Onoli intervenes, stopping the argument.)

Onoli: Look, let's just get to the next one, all right?

(Page 2, panel 1. Onoli shouts to off panel again.)

Onoli: Send in the next one, Cleo!

(Panel 2. Pause. Panel 3. The Edge Guard look at each other. Onoli shouts to off panel again.)

Onoli: Cleo, did you hear me!? Send in the next one!

Cleo (from off panel): I have!

(Panel 3. Enter a were-turtle in anamorphic form. She has a shell and is attired in a fighting robe. She also has an axe by her side. She looks similar to Venus from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.)

Onoli: Who are you?

(Panel 4. Pause.)

(Panel 5. The Edge Guard members look downhearted.)

Onoli: I said who are you?

Gama (were-turtle): My... name... is... Gama.... I'm... a... were-turtle....

(Panel 6. the Edge Guard look uneasily at her.)

Onoli: Okay... so how are you at fighting?

(Panel 7. Raphiel draws his sword, and advances on Gama.)

Raphiel: Let's see how well you fight then.

(Panel 8. Raphiel points his sword at Gama.)

Gama: I'm... the... best... were-turtle... fighter... there... is...

(Page 3, panel 1. Gama retracts into her shell. The Edge guard look very uneasily at each other.)

Singers (from nowhere): Duck! And cover...

Onoli: Well.... I don't think you're quite what we're looking for....

(Panel 2. Gama exits her shell slowly. Raphiel returns to the rest of the Edge guard.)

Onoli: Many of our enemies will have cut your head off before you can retreat into that shell of yours. I really don't think we can use you...

(Panel 3. Pause. Panel 4. Gama turns to leave.)

Gama: That's... a... shame....

(Panel 5. Onoli can only cover his face with his hand in frustration as Gamma slowly wanders off.)

Tigra (shouting off panel): Cleo, send all were-turtles home now!

Cleo (from off panel): Right! Will do! Here comes the next one!

(Panels 6 and 7. Gama still is slowly moving away from the rest of the Edge guard.)

Throban: I've heard of slow as Christmas, but this is just ridiculous.

(Panel 8. Enter a young male attired in a skin-tight black spandex outfit. He is tall, thin, and has short blonde hair.)

Renald (man): My name is Renald. I heard you were looking for a new member for Edge Guard.

Onoli: Sure, what do you do?

(Page 4, panel 1. Renald waves his hand in an arc, leaving a rainbow trail behind.)

Renald: I am a magic user. I'm not powerful enough to be an archmage yet, but I'm trying to get there.

Onoli: Hmm... well, we do need someone who can use magic... what kind of a were-creature are you?

(Panel 2. Renald looks nervous.)

Renald: Well... I'm a were-slug.

Sheila: A were-slug?

(Panel 3. Renald transforms into an anamorphic form. This form has two arms, antennae, and is very slimy. The Edge guard are revolted, and Raphiel sticks his tongue out.)

Renald: You can see why I prefer my human form.

Sheila: Eugh.

(Panel 4. Renald turns back into his normal human form.)

Renald: Us were-slugs aren't really adept fighters without magic. Against chi warriors like you, we're easy to beat unless we get a magical upper hand.

Onoli: Well, let's see how you fight.

(Panel 5. Onoli draws a sword, and advances on Renald.)

Renald: Oh dear - this could be a problem. My magic doesn't work against were-creatures.

(Panel 6. Onoli stops advancing on Renald.)

Onoli: You're kidding, right?

Renald: No.

(Panel 7. Renald heads for the exit.)

Onoli: Sorry, some of our enemies are were-folk. We need someone versed combat without limitations.

Renald: Well, at least I tried.

(Panel 8. The members of the Edge Guard look downhearted.)

Caption (N): At the end of the day...

Onoli: All right, so far we haven't found anyone to be in Edge Guard that's even close to what we need. We'll keep looking tomorrow, all right?

(Page 5, panel 1. The next day, The Edge guard have gathered again in their dojo.)

Caption (N): The next morning...

Onoli: Hopefully, things will go better today. Let's see what we've got here.

(Panel 2. Enter a young female sporting a fighting robe. She also has a sword on her back. She has shoulder length blonde hair, smoldering good looks, and a killer smile. she smiles slightly as she enters.)

Onoli: All right, who are you and what can you do?

Gabiana: My name is Gabiana, and I'm from the mermaid archipelago. We received word that you needed a strong warrior, so I was sent here.

(Panel 2. Throban pulls out his weapon and advances on Gabiana.)

Onoli: Throban - see what our friend here can do.

Throban: Defend yourself, miss.

(Panel 3. Gabiana pulls out her sword and readies herself.)

Gabiana: Bring it on.

(Panel 4. Throban and Gabiana clash swords, and Throban immediately disarms Gabiana.)

SFX: CLANG!

Gabiana: Aw, man! I wasn't completely ready!

(Panel 5. Onoli shakes his head.)

Onoli: Sorry, someone that easily disarmed wouldn't last a minute against our foes.)

Gabiana: come on, let me try again!

(Panel 6. Gabiana sheathes her sword and starts to leave.)

Onoli: Sorry, you get one shot because tha may be less than what our foes give you.

Tigra: Well, I certainly would love to give you a few private lessons...

(Panel 7. Everyone else looks at Tigra, and are very angry. Gabiana looks revolted.)

All but Tigra (simultaneously): TIGRA!!

Tigra: It was just a suggestion.

Gabiana: Eu!

(Panel 8. Gabiana exits.)

Gabiana: I hate Guidos! I am soooooooo out of here! Good luck, girlfriend - you'll need it.

Throban: Gee, thanks Tigra. Way to polish up our image.

(Page 6, panel 1. Later on, they have a were-boar in anamorphic form standing opposite them. He is attired in a barbarian leather outfit. He wields a large axe.)

Caption (N): Later on...

Volstamos: (the were-boar) My name is Volstamos the were-boar. I understand you are looking for a new member for your party.

Onoli: We are. What can you do?

(Panel 2. Volstamos waves his axe around.)

Volstamos: I am one of the best were-boar fighters on Jade! My strength is unmatched in the realm!

Onoli: Hmm... well, Raphiel, let's see how you fare in a little sparring against him.

Raphiel: Sure thing, Onoli.

(Panel 3. Raphiel draws his sword and advances on Volstamos.)

Volstamos: A were-cheetah against me? Well, prepare to loose your sword then!

(Panel 4. Volstamos swings his axe at Raphiel, who easily catches the axe on his sword.)

SFX: CLANG!

(Panel 5. Volstamos tries to give Raphiel a kick, but Raphiel easily dodges it.)

Raphiel: You're good - but pretty slow.

Volstamos: Stand still will you!

(Panel 6. Raphiel takes Volstamos down with a foot sweep.)

SFX: WHAM!

Volstamos: AGH!

(Panel 7. Volstamos uneasily stands up as Raphiel returns to the rest of the edge guard, sheathing his sword.)

Onoli: You're strong, Volstamos, but you're too slow. With some of our enemies, by the time you'd strike one, they'd have you on the ground. Sorry.

Volstamos: I have brought shame to my clan.

(Panel 8. Volstamos exits, dejected.)

Volstamos: I shall practice and return - then you will have no choice but to accept me.

Onoli: We'll see then.

(Page 7, panel 1. We see Throban clashing swords with an female were-squirrel. She is in anamorphic form. She is about as tall as Sheila is in her were-jaguar form. She is clad in a robe.)

Caption (N): And so it goes...

(Panel 2. Tigra gives an elbow to a male were-bear in anamorphic form. The were-bear is tall and covered in brown fur. He is attired in a fighting robe and holds a large hammer in one hand.)

Caption (N): One by one the come.

(Panel 3. Onoli takes down a female were-skunk in anamorphic form. She looks similar to Asrial from Quagmire, U.S.A., except that her hair is black. She is holding a metal whip in her hand. Onoli kicks her in the leg, sending her down.)

Caption (N): And one by one they fall.

(Panel 4. Raphiel disarms a were-bobcat male. He is about Throban's height and build, with short brown hair. The were-bobcat's sword flies out of his hands as Raphiel lunges with his sword.)

Caption (N): Each spars with a member of Edge Guard.

(Panel 5. Sheila knocks down a female were-dingo in anamorphic form. The were-dingo is about Sheila's height, but more buxom in nature, and has a falchion in her hand.)

Caption (N): Each Edge guard member manages to knock them flat in less than a minute.

(Panel 6. A female were-platypus is walking away from the members of the Edge Guard. She is attired in a tight spandex outfit and looks dejected as Tigra smiles at her. Sheila stares daggers at Tigra because of this.)

Caption (N): Every candidate that loses is turned away.

(Page 8, panel 1. the Edge Guard members look frustrated.)

Caption (N): And so...

Throban: This is no use. Two days and 300 candidates later, we still haven't found anyone even remotely close to what we need.

Sheila: And if I see another were-slug transform again I will definitely puke!

Onoli: You're right, guys. I give up. You can't expect something great overnight.

(Panel 2. Enter Lenexia. She is a were-lynx attired in a skin-tight fighting robe and sporting a sword in a scabbard on her back. She is in anamorphic form.)

Lenexia: Hi. my name's Lenexia. I'm from the were-lynx clan. I'm here to audition for the Edge guard. I hope I'm not too late.

(Panel 3. Everyone in the Edge Guard perks up, especially Tigra.)

Tigra (turning on the charm): Well, hello there, Lenexia.

Onoli: So what can you do?

(Panel 4. Lenexia pulls her sword from its scabbard, and musical notes come out of it.)

Lenexia: My sword is known as the sword of melodies... by waving it around, I can create sounds that are soothing to whomever hears them. Then when they're in a relaxed state, I can hack them up. I also can control who gets affected by that.

Onoli: Let's see your sparring skills. Sheila, your turn to spar.

Sheila: Right.

(Panel 5. Sheila draws her sword, and approaches Lenexia.)

Sheila: Let's see if you can back up your claims with some action.

Lenexia: Bring it on.

(Panel 6. Sheila and Lenexia clash swords.)

SFX: Clang!

Lenexia: I have spent all my life training to defend the weak and help those that cannot help themselves. I am the best of the were-lynx clan.

(Panel 7. Lenexia narrowly misses Sheila's face as she tries to kick Sheila in the jaw. Sheila dives to get out of the way.)

Sheila: Whoa!

Lenexia: I told you.

(Panel 8. Sheila and Lenexia continue to clash swords.)

SFX: Clang!

Tigra (quietly): You know, if I had a pint of ale, life would be perfect.

Raphiel (To Tigra, annoyed): Tigra!

SFX: Clang!

(Page 9, panel 1. Sheila manages to give Lenexia an elbow in the stomach as they continue to clash swords.)

SFX: WHAP! CLANG!

(Panel 2. Lenexia manages to do a foot sweep on Sheila, sending her down on her bottom.)

SFX: Whump!

Sheila: Ah!

(Panel 3. Lenexia helps Sheila stand up.)

Onoli: Well, you're very good, Lenexia. I think we've got a winner here.

Tigra: I vote for her.

Throban: She does seem good enough to join us.

(Panel 4. Onoli approaches Lenexia, extending his hand.)

Onoli: We'd like to have you join our team.

(Panel 5. Lenexia shakes Onoli's hand.)

Lenexia: I'd love to join you.

(Panel 6. Lenexia and Onoli part.)

Onoli: Then it's settled. You can have the spare room next to Sheila's.

Lenexia: Great. I can't wait to get started.

(Panel 7. Lenexia is in her room. She has a large backpack on her back. With her is Sheila.)

Caption (N): And so...

Lenexia: So this is my room, hmm?

Sheila: Yea. it used to be a storage room.

(Panel 8. Sheila closes the door.)

Sheila: I want to warn you about something, though. Tigra's a womanizer. Don't be surprised if he tries to get you in bed.

Lenexia: I've seen worse before. I pretty much guessed that from the moment I first saw him.

(Page 10, panel 1. Lenexia takes off her backpack, and sets it on the bed.)

Lenexia: There are a couple of guys like that back home. I usually can see right through them.

Sheila: Great. He's a bit on the slimy side, but he's a nice guy.

(Panel 2. Lenexia smiles slightly.)

Lenexia: So tell me, is that were-cheetah guy available?

Sheila: Don't go there, girlfriend.

(Panel 3. Lenexia tries to calm down Sheila.)

Lenexia: Whoa, I didn't know you were in love with him.

Sheila: Well... I like him a lot. I just don't think he likes me.

(Panel 4. Lenexia goes to her backpack, and opens it.)

Sheila: Raphiel was a golem constructed solely to disrupt a wedding... he's managed to adjust to being with us, but I think his heart still pines for the woman he could never have. He does seem to like me, though.

Lenexia: Hmm... sounds like you need to step it up.

(Panel 5. Later on, The Edge Guard is together in front of their headquarters. They are talking to several other people attired in Jade fashions.)

Caption (N): It's meet the press time for the newest member of Edge Guard.

Onoli: After several days of auditions, I'm proud to announce the newest member of the Edge Guard. This is Lenexia, and she is a were-lynx from Trinc.

Lenexia: I must say this is a great opportunity for me to show all of Jade how powerful we are. I hope that we can maintain the peace here. Jade has been my home for all my life, and it hurts to see some bad elements attempt to try to ruin everything for the good ones.

(Panel 6. The press starts asking questions.)

Press guy: Onoli, why have you decided now to add another member to the Edge Guard?

Onoli: Recent events have been stretching our forces a little too thin. We can't handle a riot in Naga and some megalomaniacal terrorist in Trinc at the same time.

Throban: We weren't able to contain the riot at Naga completely. It was very fortunate that a group of mages from earth were on a field trip to Naga at the time.

(Panel 7. The press continues to question the Edge Guard.)

Press guy: So will you be getting more members in the future?

Onoli: That's something we'll have to see about. For now, Lenexia is our only new member.

(Panel 8. We see the members of Edge Guard in a splash picture, with their weapons drawn and in action poses.)

Onoli: Look out, Jade... The Edge Guard is improved and better than ever!

-End-