Nodwick: "The Duct Tape Quest"

It was a calm, peaceful morning that day. Yager had passed out from a night of long drinking. Artax had just finished a spell that would help him out with some things. Nodwick was resting, recovering from having been used as a battering ram by Yager in a previous adventure. However, it was Piffany who was still active and about. "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." She quoted. Well, running low on duct tape, she decided to venture to her local monastery for some more. When she got there, however, she found the place in chaos. It seems a marauding band of warriors, miscreants and other riffraff attacked the place, and stole all the duct tape, along with kidnapping most of the members of the clergy. "Oh! This is terrible! Who would do such a thing?" Piffany cried. "Mmph." She heard from one corner where there was a bunch of rubble. Going over there, Piffany moved aside some rubble to find a fellow cleric there. She was called Haigi, and she was covered from head to toe in dirt and dust. Also she had a few cuts and bruises on her. Piffany duct taped these wounds with what little duct tape she had left. "This is utterly terrible! Haigi, who did this?" Piffany asked. "I saw a bunch of marauders and a lot of not-nice people. They came in, stole our duct tape, and kidnapped some of our clerics." Haigi responded. Not only did they take the spare duct tape; they took the machines needed to make more. "I barely managed to escape with my life." Haigi added. "Well, this is not good. We’re going to have to do something about this."

Arriving back at the home of Artax and Yager, Piffany cast her sobriety and hangover spell on Yager to get him out of his stupor. "OW! My head!" Yager shouted. "PAIN! AGONY! SUFFERING!" Yager shouted. "You’d be in less pain if you stopped shouting." Piffany noted. Artax was pragmatic about this. "You’ll be fine. Well, are we all stocked up for our next adventure?" Artax asked. "That’s the problem. Someone broke into the monastery, and stole all the duct tape there! We’re going to have to go on a quest to get more. Not only that, they kidnapped some of our clerics!" Yager leapt to his feet and pointed to the door. "Women in distress? We should get out there right now! Well… when the room stops spinning…" Yager then fell on the floor again. "Ow! Pain! Pain! Extreme pain!" Yager bemoaned. "Well, when our friend gets better here, we’ll get going." Artax responded. About 2 hours later, Yager had recovered enough to set off on their quest. They went to a nearby town and managed to beat the marauders there, and Piffany stocked up on duct tape. Then they set out to find the missing clerics.

"Faster! Faster! I want as much duct tape as you can make now!" The voice bellowed out loud and annoyingly. "Please, duct tape takes time to make. We have to proceed carefully or else we’ll end up making something that doesn’t work." One of the clerics replied. The marauder, who was standing over them, a large fellow clad in chain mail and wielding a bullwhip cracked the whip in the air. "No excuses! The duct tape must be finished now!" The marauder shouted. "Just what are you doing with all the duct tape we’re making?" One of the clerics asked. She was answered by a bullwhip crack near her. "Shut up! You women are to work and not talk!" The cleric winced and flinched, then continued to work. At that point an evil looking warlord entered the place. "How is it coming?" He asked. "Well, they’re kinda slow, but they’ve managed to produce some more duct tape." The man with the whip replied. "I want things faster. We’re going to the next village and getting more duct tape producers here. Kra’delahg-Yant must be revived as soon as possible! There can be no delays! Time is of the essence!" The man with the whip turned to the clerics and shouted. "You heard the man, get to work!" Well, there was nothing the clerics could do except make more duct tape. They had already manufactured over 20 rolls and were making more. "You’ve got enough to cover a person ten times over now," the priestess said. "Let us go." The man with the bullwhip cracked the whip at her. "NO! You will be here until I say otherwise! We must have more duct tape if we are to crush the forces of good forever!" The clerics continued to work. "And when you’re done, I just might let some of you pleasure me tonight." He noted. "Oh ickypoo." One of them responded. "I’d rather kiss a toad." The man with the bullwhip cracked the whip over her head for this. "For that, I’m going to you first!" He shouted.

Meanwhile, back with our heroes, they were about to leave the monastery when the alarm went out: "We’re under attack!" Someone shouted. "Ah-ha! A call to action!" Yager shouted. He rushed off into the courtyard only to be confronted by 20 very mean, angry looking marauders fully armored and armed to the teeth. "Uh-oh." Yeager said as he drew his sword. Nodwick, Artax, Yager, Piffany and several clerics fought bravely against this horde of well-armed, well-trained warriors, but in the end several of them lay dead including Nodwick and Yager. Piffany and Artax were wounded in the fight. "We’d better get you back into shape." A cleric noted. Well, several rolls of duct tape later, our heroes were resting and restoring health to be as good as new. "They got lucky." Yager said. "Not again." Artax was more pragmatic about this. "They had quite a number of powerful warriors, Yager. We need to use some strategy here." Piffany and Nodwick agreed, thus outvoting Yager, who sheepishly agreed to this. So they put their heads together with the various clerics that were there. "There’s got to be a reason why they want all this duct tape." Artax reasoned. "Agreed. But what could it be? More importantly, who are these people to begin with?" The Chief cleric asked. "I have a feeling we’re not going to like the answer." Artax responded. "A scout said they went off in the forest to the southeast." A cleric said. "What lies in that direction?" Yager asked. "Not much, it’s mostly swampland. Although there is the defiled temple of St. Lebling." The chief cleric noted. "Defiled temple of St. Lebling?" Artax asked. "It was St. Lebling’s home. Unfortunately, after St. Lebling’s death, the temple was defiled by the demon known as Kra’delahg-Yant took it over and turned it into a place where he could live. However, recently a band of adventurers lead by the right holy Urilic slew the demon, only to have themselves killed." The chief cleric said. "And Urilic has been nominated for canonization." Piffany noted. "I heard about that. She’s a lot braver than I, going after that icky-poo demon." Artax was pragmatic about the situation. "Well, like it or not, these clerics need our help. We should give it to them." Yager agreed. "We have a call to action! Come, let’s go to this defiled temple!"

So what was going on here? The answer could be found at the enclave of the worshipers of Kra’delahg-Yant. This demon of moderate status had been slain by a high-level cleric throwing some of St. Grigner’s special holy water while thrusting a sword forged in the sacred fires of the forges of St. Balion into the demon’s chest. The chief assistant to the demon was trying to resurrect him. Normal evil methods had failed, so he turned to combining evil and holy methods. "By the 23 ears of Kra’delahg-Yant, again he will live!" He shouted. "He may have 23 ears, but he still can’t hear you." A minion said. The chief assistant merely smacked him in the head at this. "Mock me not!" He shouted. "Angry will Kra’delahg-Yant be when he sees your disloyalty. Swift will his vengeance be! Merciless will he be! Fools are not tolerated by him!" The chief assistant said. "Dude, can’t you, like, talk normally for once?" One of the clerics asked. "Silence! Mocked will I not be by fools or idiots! By the evening of the demon Rewolt we will resurrect our demon!" The chief assistant said in a menacing tone. He then proceeded to exit. "Step up production! Delays should there not be!" He said as he exited. "What a weirdo." One of the clerics commented. So they returned to work, weaving the duct tape and plastering the h₂oly glue on it.

Back with our heroes, they set off for adventure to the Southeast, heading toward the defiled temple of St. Lebling. Nodwick, of course, was burdened with the usual complement of rations and items for everyone. However, along the way, they came across a group of adventurers who were lying on the ground, seriously wounded. A roll of duct tape later, These adventurers were alive and recovering. Nodwick recognized the henchmen of the troupe; a friend from local #246 named Crestwick. "It was terrible. We were ambushed by a group of marauders and then left for dead. We’ve got to get back to our town, as they’re needing us to defend them." Nodwick questioned Crestwick further. "Did you happen to get who they were?" Crestwick thought for a moment. "I think one of them cried "For the glory of Kra’deli-Yang or something like that." "Kra’delahg-Yant?" Artax questioned. "Yea, that’s it." Crestwick replied. "This doesn’t make sense. Why would the followers of a demon want to kidnap a bunch of clerics who make healing duct tape?" Artax asked. "Well, I couldn’t begin to hazard a guess at this point." Crestwick said. Shortly after the other adventurers had left, our heroes resumed their course and then were ambushed by the marauders. The clerics, Yager, Nodwick, Artax and Piffany fought bravely, but were overcome by superior weaponry and sheer numbers. Over 120 marauders watched as Nodwick took a sword to the chest, slicing him in two. All of the clerics were captured, but not before Piffany could duct tape Nodwick back together. Everyone was lead to the defiled temple of St. Lebling, now named the lair of Kra’delahg-Yant. When they got there, they saw a very strange sight: On the main altar was a 115-foot long casket that was being bound with duct tape. "What’s going on here?" Piffany asked. "You don’t want to know." The servant of Kra’delahg-Yant said. They separated Piffany from the rest of the crew, and confiscated her duct tape. Piffany was taken to where the rest of the clerics were and told she had to make more duct tape. "No way! I’m not about to help you resurrect that icky-poo demon!" The guard responded by smacking Piffany in the face. "SHUT UP AND GET TO WORK, WITCH!" He shouted. The matron of Piffany’s temple approached Piffany and tried to counsel her. "Do as he says for now, Piffany." She said. "What? Why?" She asked. "Trust me on this one."

Meanwhile, Nodwick, Yager, and Artax were lead into a room where there were locked in a prison cell. "This is terrible. They’re doing who knows what to Piffany now." Yager said. "We need to think about this." Artax commented. "This looks really bad. If they’re going to bring Kra’delahg-Yant back to life, This could spell doom for everyone." Nearby, the chief assistant talked to the jailer. "Locked keep them, and let them not go." He said. The jailer looked puzzled. "Eh? You havea da weird way da talk, no?" The jailer responded. The chief assistant rolled his eyes. "Insane is everyone here?" He asked. Well, it was about 9 hours later, at the stroke of midnight the guards then took Nodwick, Artax and Yager to the central chamber where a large coffin was being covered in duct tape. "What is that?" "Kra’delahg-Yant this is!" The chief assistant said. "Live will he again!" Nodwick was confused. "You’re trying to resurrect him using duct tape?" Nodwick asked. "Failed have normal evil methods, as if concern you that did. To the stakes tie them! They shall be sacrificed to Kra’delahg-Yant once he lives again!" They are starting to be tied up when Nodwick said: "Hey, you missed a spot." The chief assistant was angry? "What talk about do you?" Nodwick gestured with his shackles. "Right there." He gestured to a spot where there was no duct tape. "Fool!" The chief assistant shouted to a minion of his. "We’re out of tape, master. The clerics don’t have the ingredients to make more!" Another minion said. "WHAT? Stopped I will not be! There must be another way to get more!" The Chief assistant turned to Piffany. "You! You’re an adventurer –you make more!" Piffany rolled her eyes at him. "Right, like that’s possible being chained up to this post and do that." Angered, the chief assistant struck Piffany in the stomach. When he did so, a roll of duct tape fell out of her dress. "OW! You are such a not-nice person!" Piffany said. "Ah-ha! At last! Our moment of triumph will commence!" The Chief examiner then grabbed the roll of duct tape. "No! Don’t take my last roll! That roll was specially blessed by Saint Hackenbush!" Piffany cried. "Wait! I have an idea." Nodwick said. "Let them do what they want." Piffany was shocked to say the least. "DO WHAT?" She asked. "Trust me on this. Let them have your duct tape, Piffany." Nodwick said. Piffany agreed. The chief assistant then struck Piffany hard on her head, knocking her unconscious. One of his assistants did the same to Artax. "Tie them up. Upon Kra’delahg-Yant’s resurrection we will sacrifice them to appease him." They took the others and locked them behind bars. "Soon will the master be resurrected… and then over the earth shall we take!" The chief assistant laughed maniacally. " You talk weird." Yager said. "Silence! Mocked will I not be in the hour of triumph!" The chief assistant said. The chief assistant then took the duct tape, and put it over the spot that had been missed. "Now, we recite the spell!" Together the minions of Kra’delahg-Yant started reciting:

Mumerpus essixulid ibit meid ederc menmo!

Moilaid hmaenrariahta nilaid hmaenaariahtna!

Oedoc msecsid mutnemarcas oetinevo enimod!

Muroed xap! *

They had completely covered the demon Kra’delahg-Yant with duct tape. "Soon, soon, to conquer the world will our hero arise and we will follow him! Come, nigh is the time!" Just then the demon stirred. Nodwick, Piffany, Artax and Yager could only look in horror as the dead demon rose from its bier. "I live!" It shouted. "Quick! Bandages must come off!" The servants of the demon removed some of the bandages and duct tape, but instead of the hideously deformed demon they had put in the duct tape, the coffin opened, and out stepped the form of Mr. Rogers. "It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…" He started singing. Kra’delahg-Yant’s chief servant was repulsed, shocked, and horrified at the same time. "What the %*&# just happened!?" He shouted. "We put a demon in there! Now we get this nice-nice man! ICK!!" Mr. Rodgers looked at the chief assistant. "That was not a nice thing to say, young man. You should apologize for that." He admonished. "I don’t get it! We followed this to the letter! What happened!?" Nodwick smiled slightly as he tried to explain everything to the man. "It’s really quite simple. The duct tape is infused with holy powers, and when you put all that duct tape all over him, it neutralized his evil and inundated his body with goodness." "You are very smart, young man." Mr. Rogers responded. "Won’t you be my neighbor?" The chief servant was not amused. "24 varieties of disgusting and 23 variations of nauseating is this." He said. "You really only have yourself to blame." Nodwick replied. At this time, Mr. Rogers went over to the unconscious Piffany and Artax, then freed them from their bonds. "You shouldn’t restrain people like this, that’s not nice." He then put his forefinger onto Piffany’s head, and she woke up. After that, he turned to Artax, and put a finger on his forehead, and woke him up as well." Piffany was surprised to say the least. "Mr. Rogers saved me? WOW! I’m a big fan of yours!" She said. "I think I’m going to throw up now." The chief servant said. "I can’t believe we did all of this for nothing." "You did good, you should be proud of that." Mr. Rogers said. "Proud!? The laughing stock of all chief assistants to demons everywhere will I be! Turned him to an idiot did I!" With that, the chief assistant started to storm out in a huff. The clerics were set free at this point by Nodwick, Yager, and Piffany. "You people should be friends." Mr. Rogers said. "After all, we’re here to be friends." The chief assistant couldn’t take it anymore. He drew his sword and decapitated Mr. Rogers. Piffany was flabbergasted that the chief assistant would do such a thing. "It was a mercy killing." The chief assistant said. Piffany then cast a have a not-nice day spell on the chief assistant. She was seeing red through her rose-colored glasses. "Ooh! You – you – chowder brain!" She shouted as she cast the spell. "My, I’ve never seen Piffany this angry before." Artax noted "I’d hate to be in his shoes." she then cast a second spell that emblazoned his armor with one large happy face on his chest. "AH! Not this! Anything but this!" The chief assistant ran out and this left the followers of Kra’delahg-Yant confused and lost, without a leader or a demon to follow. "I hear Manos needs more followers. I’m going to join their sect." One said as he walked off. The others seemed to follow him out. "Well, at least we saved the day. No more not-nice demon." Piffany said. "And a little more duct tape should bring Mr. Rogers back."  

It was the next morning when the clerics arrived back at the monastery. They brought back with them all the duct tape making equipment and Mr. Rogers, who had his head taped back on by Piffany. The clerics were in the process of restoring their monastery back to normal along with the help of our heroes. During a break, the high matron called everyone into the great hall and asked that there be a brief ceremony. "Piffany, you and your friends have proven yourselves worthy of greatness." The cleric leader said. "Since we have no gold to offer you, I will give you something special that has been a secret for several generations here. I need the ultimate sacred text." One of the other clerics brought in an old, worn out book. "This is a collection of some of our most sacred spells, many of which have not been recited in generations." The leader said. She then took the book and opened up the book. She turned to a different page, and started reciting an ancient and powerful spell. Once she had finished, the various implements of our heroes started glowing; among these were Artax’s hat, Nodwick, Piffany’s staff and robes, and Yager’s armor and sword. "That spell was a spell of doubling." The leader announced. "Your enchanted implements are now twice what they were before." Artax was somewhat confused. "Well, if that’s true, why is Nodwick glowing?" He asked. "Probably because I’ve been healed up so much over the months we’ve been together that I’m permanently infused with a small bit of the healing power." Nodwick suggested. Yager then unsheathed his sword. The spell had wakened the sword from its catatonia, and it was glowing brightly. "Ah-ha! This sword is magnificent! Thank you, priestess!" However, once the sword realized that Yager was holding it, the sword slipped right back into its state of catatonia. The sword stopped shining and returned to its dull luster. "Aw, man…" Yager said.

--End—

*Apologies to Enya.