Bulletproof: A "Com"mie

Complex City. It's where I live. It's where I do business. My name's Bulletproof. Just Bulletproof. An accident endowed me with superhuman powers, and now I use those powers to fight the criminals that crop up in this place. This is the tale of one recent case, one that I had to face a villain named Captain Dotcom. He was a short, athletic type. He wore a small backpack on his back and had several wires coming from it into his head. He wore a blue spandex outfit that had a picture of a small PC on his chest. He went around committing crimes, mostly theft of high-ticket items and the like. Bulldog Malone called me up on my radio and said he had a break in the case; he had a tip that Captain Dotcom would strike a jewelry store on Exeter tonight. The reason why he was called Captain Dotcom was simple; he had his brain wired to the Internet and instant access to any information available there. He was as slippery as an eel and twice as hard to catch.

Anyway, I was flying over Exeter Street when I spotted him. Captain Dotcom had broken into a jewelry store and was cleaning it out. I landed and entered through the broken window. "Stop right there!" I shouted. "Bulletproof!" Captain Dotcom turned around and I saw him for the first time. He then pulled out a pistol and waved it at me. "Don't come any closer!" He said. "Right, like a bullet's going to stop me." I responded, advancing. Unfortunately, he didn't have bullets in the gun. He had some sort of foul-smelling liquid he sprayed all over me. God that stuff was awful! It was a mixture of skunk, old sweatbox, garlic, rotten fish, decaying flesh, excrements and some other odors I couldn't identify. I went down like a lead sack. My eyes started watering and my vision blurred. He did his homework on me. I passed out as he ran away.

When I came to, Bulldog Malone was standing over me. "Jeez Proof, I send you on a simple assignment, and you end up looking like some kind of clown." He wasn't kidding; while I was out someone had put clown makeup on me; also on me were a red nose, and a long, pointed dunce cap. I removed the cap and nose, and then talked to Bulldog Malone. "He got away clean again. No clues as to where he went. Thanks, Proof." Malone was not good at sarcasm. "Hey, if he was so important to you, why weren't you here?" I responded. "Proof, I got more investigations goin' on now than you could ever hope to do." Malone was as vicious as his namesake was. "Go take a shower. You need it." Upon returning home, I took a shower and put on quite a bit of deodorant but that still didn't get rid of the odor. I had to call up Übermodel and cancel our date tonight.

It took about 48 hours for the smell to wear off. I really hated smelling that bad, but I had to think; how can I defeat this guy? He's got a direct connection to almost every scrap of knowledge that mankind has ever deemed worthy to assemble into one area at one time. I had to think on this one. Unfortunately, I didn't have long to think, as the radio sounded again. This time, Captain Dotcom was having his way at a bank. I had to act now and fast. So I flew off and after him, going to the bank. Upon arriving at there, I found Captain Dotcom with a large bag of cash in one hand and the gun he had earlier in the other. I managed to dodge his shots as he tried to hit me with that foul-smelling liquid again. "Give it up, BP. You've got the muscles, but I've got the mind." Acting quickly, I managed to get close enough to him to strike him hard. Captain Dotcom countered by pushing a button on his belt. Suddenly my radio was filled with disco. It was that god-awful knock off of Eddie Floyd's "Knock on Wood" by Aimee Stuart if memory serves. Captain Dotcom laughed as I held my ears in pain. "Not so great are we? You may be Bulletproof, but are you disco proof?" Fighting everything, I managed to race up to him and yank out one of the wires going to his brain. "GAH!" Captain Dotcom screamed, then sank to his knees. "Curse you, Bulletproof! I'll be back!" Captain Dotcom then teleported away from the place before I could strike another blow. I flew away from the place before Bulldog Malone could get there in that old Chevy of his.

Well, Malone caught up to me and then laid down the law. "Proof, since you can't handle this by yourself, I'm gettin' someone to help you out. The only one we got available is Dr. Martin Handsome." Wonderful. Now I'm going to have to babysit Handsome as well. As if defeating Captain Dotcom wasn't tough enough. "Jeez, Bulldog, I’m not a little kid." I told him. "Maybe not, but you can’t get this job done yourself. Handsome stays." Bulldog walked out on me and left Dr. Handsome in his place. "Well, any ideas on how to defeat him?" Handsome asked. I turned to him and laid down the law. "I’m doing this only because Bulldog is a friend." I told Dr. Handsome. "Don’t get in my way, and don’t try to play hero. And whatever you do, when the bullets start flying, DUCK FOR COVER." Dr. Handsome rolled his eyes at me. "Yes old man." He responded. "And don’t give me attitude either." I retorted. "I’ve been at this for a long time."

Shortly thereafter I got a call on my radio helmet: Captain Dotcom was hijacking an armored car. When Dr. Handsome and I arrived on the scene, I confronted Captain Dotcom. "It's all over, Dotcom!" I shouted. "BAH! I have been searching the Internet for your weakness, and I'm almost there." He responded. While I listened to him rant about how he was going to destroy me, Dr. Handsome circled behind him. "Ah-ha! I have found your one weakness, Bulletproof! Now, I will defeat you once and for good!" Dr. Handsome strolled up to Captain Dotcom, looked over his backpack, and pushed one button on it. "GAH! You've cut me off from my server! I must reboot in and -" Captain Dotcom fell over, out cold. "He shouldn't give you any trouble anymore." Dr. Handsome said. Wonderful. I was upstaged by a geek. I merely put my hand over my face in shame. "Pretty simple setup he had there." Dr. Handsome said. "It wasn't very bright of him to have an emergency cutoff from the server." I wanted to cry at this point. Dr. Handsome took things in stride. "So you think this is going to win me points over with the ladies?" He asked. I was just so ashamed I flew off. Dr. Handsome then took Captain Dotcom to the police station.

Two days later, I was out on the town with Übermodel when I ran into Dr. Handsome at a local restaurant. "Well, nice to see you again, BP." He started. Great. Now he’s going to rub that Captain Dotcom affair in my face again. "By the way, did you see that new website about you, Bulletproof.com?" I felt my blood boil. "All right, Yes, you saved the day against Captain Dotcom! Yes, I needed you then! But I don’t need this now!" I shouted in exasperation. "Jeez, sensitive, are we?" He responded. "Sorry, I just have never been bested by someone else before." Dr. Handsome rolled his eyes. "Well, good luck anyway." Dr. Handsome left. "What was that all about?" Übermodel asked. "Well, it’s a long, complicated story." I responded. "Oh, come on, BP. Don’t want to talk failures with the little lady?" A voice said that made me cringe on the inside. I turned to see Captain Dotcom there, back and ready for more. "I am not defeated so easily." He said. I then went up to him and struck him hard on the jaw with a sucker punch, and sent him to the ground. He fell back onto his backpack and emitted a shower of sparks from it. "Man, it’s getting so a superhero can’t go anywhere without a lame-o showing up." I said in disgust. "Oh, don’t worry about it. It comes with the territory." Übermodel responded. "We should be going home now." So together we flew off and back to her place. Once there, we put our arms around each other and smiled. "Well, this is the best part of the night." I said. Of course, it was where I got to kiss Übermodel. So I pulled her close and kissed her. Well, I could brag for hours about how I got to kiss a total babe like her, but I’ll try to keep it as simple as possible. She was absolutely beyond belief in kissing – something that I really enjoy doing with her. The taste of her tender red lips and her sweet charms… it gets me romantic no matter what I’m doing. Well, we parted, but couldn’t help but smile. Good thing I got a chance to redeem myself here.

--End—