Deadpool:
Subjunctive Imperfect!
(Front cover. A flaming apparition of Deadpool is hovering a few inches off the ground. Next to it, the real Deadpool is sitting on the ground, his fingers in his ears, and eyes closed.)
Deadpool apparition: BEWARE! BEWARE! GREAT TROUBLE AHEAD!
Deadpool: LALALALALALALALA! I'm not listening!
(Page 1, panel 1. The Deadtrailer. Deadpool and Firelasher teleport in, and are holding bags of money.)
Cap (D1): Good money this time around.
Cap (D2): The scumbag really deserved getting thrown in prison.
Cap (D3): We got a good haul today.
Firelasher: Well, now that this nasty business is over, what do we do now?
Deadpool: Rest.
(Panel 2. They set the bags of money down.)
Firelasher: So where are we going?
Deadlpool: I know a nice place about a day from here. I'll bet we can spend a weekend there.
(Panel 3. Deadpool smiles beneath his mask.)
Deadpool: You'll love it. It's quiet, it's peaceful, it's by the shore –
Firelasher (interrupts): You just want to see me in a bikini again.
(Panel 4. Deadpool stops smiling as they sit down.)
Deadpool: Well, Teri, I really do love you deeply, and -
Firelasher: That's what I thought.
(Panel 5.)
Deadpool: Come on, you'd be seeing me in a tight pair of swimtrunks.
(Page 2, panel 1. Deadpool pulls out his holographic projector, and turns it on. He is covered in a red and orange haze.)
Deadpool: Come on, admit it,
(Panel 2. The haze subsides to show Deadpool as he was before he went to Weapon X in a tight pair of small swimtrunks.)
Deadpool: This turns you on, doesn't it?
Firelasher: Well, a little…
(Panel 3. Firelasher gives in.)
Firelasher: Oh, all right Wade. I'll do it.
(Panel 4. Deadpool cozies up to Firelasher.)
Deadpool: That's much better.
Firelasher: You just better make it worth my while.
(Page 3, panel 1. Suddenly a flaming apparition of Deadpool appears. Deadpool and Firelasher part.)
Deadpool apparition: Beware! Beware! Great danger ahead!
Deadpool: Aw man….
(Panel 2. The apparition vanishes.)
Deadpool: Couldn't you have waited until I had scored with her?!
Firelasher (Annoyed): Wade!
(Panel 3. Firelasher assume a posture of anger.)
Firelasher: We just had some sign of great danger! Don't you care about that?
Deadpool: Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
(Panel 4. Deadpool goes to the driver's seat of the Deadtrailer.)
Deadpool: If I had listened to every piece of cautionary advice that I ever heard, I'd be dead now, and you'd be without a lover.
Firelasher: Sometimes, I wonder what's better.
(Panel 5. Deadpool starts up the Deadtrailer.)
Deadpool: You can trust me, Teri.
Firelasher: Now I'm EXTREMELY apprehensive about this.
(Page 4, panel 1. The Deadtrailer drives off.)
Deadpool: You're in for a wonderful weekend, Teri. Trust me on this.
Firelasher: Now I know it'll end up in disaster.
(Panel 2. A luxury hotel near a beautiful, white sandy beach. The Deadtrailer pulls into the parking lot.)
Cap (N): About two hours later…
Deadpool: Where Teri, here we are…
(Panel 3. The Deadtrailer stops, and Deadpool and Firelasher exit the place.)
Deadpool: I'll bet you'll like the real showers for once.
Firelasher: Well, yea…
(Panel 4. They walk to the front door.)
Firelasher: It'll be a nice change from you constantly looking at me while I'm trying to shower.
Deadpool: Oh, now that hurts…
(Panel 5. They arrive at the front door.)
Deadpool: I'm not just out to get you in bed, Teri.
Firelasher: No, you just want me there over and over…
(Panel 6.)
Firelasher: Wade, there's more to love than just sex. You've got to make a serious commitment here.
Deadpool: Believe me, if I hadn't, I would have left you long ago.
(Page 5, panel 1. They approach the front counter. There is no attendant there.)
Deadpool: Well, the attendant seems to have left here…
Firelasher: Let me handle this.
(Panel 2. Firelasher steps up to the counter.)
Firelasher (in a heart shaped word balloon): Oh, would someone help me out here? I really would appreciate it…
(Panel . Enter a clerk. He looks a lot like Jay from Clerks.)
Clerk: May I help you?
Deadpool: We have a reservation. The name's Wilson.
(Panel 4. The clerk looks over the list.)
Clerk: Ah, here we go. Mr. and Ms. Wilson, the lovers suite.
(Panel 5. The clerk pushes a button.)
Clerk: The bellhop will be with you shortly.
(Page 6, panel 1. Deadpool and Firelasher are with a bellhop, outside the hotel room.)
Bellhop: This is quite a classy room you got here.
Firelasher: Well, we'd really like a classy room.
(Panel 2. The bellhop opens the door to show a very lavish hotel room, with wet bar, couch, bed, and the like.)
Bellhop: Here you go, the lover's suite.
Firelasher: It's beautiful…
(Panel 3. The bellhop holds out his hand.)
Bellhop: Nothing but the best…
(Panel 4. Deadpool gives the bellhop some money.)
Deadpool: Knock yourself out, kid.
Bellhop: Thanks…
(Panel 5. The Bellhop exits.)
Deadpool: Well, what would you like to do now, Teri?
Firelasher: I know that tone of voice…
(Panel 6.)
Firelasher: You're feeling horny again, aren't you? I swear, you're a 24-hour testosterone factory.
Deadpool: I can't help it. My healing factor makes me produce testosterone more than other men.
(Page 7, panel 1. Firelasher moves away from Deadpool.)
Firelasher: I'm not in the mood, Wade.
Cap (D): Damn.
(Panel 2. Deadpool moves closer to Firelasher.)
Deadpool: So what would you like to do?
Firelasher: Well, I don't know….
(Panel 3. Suddenly the flaming apparition of Deadpool appears.)
Deadpool apparition: Wade!! This will only lead to disaster! Change immediately!
(Panel 4. The apparition vanishes.)
Firelasher: Now I know something's very wrong here.
Deadpool: Teri, this is just some silly thing that's trying to mess with our minds. There's nothing that could go wrong here. This place is a backwater snoozefest.
(Panel 5. Firelasher rolls her eyes.)
Firelasher: Wade, you're in denial here.
Deadpool: Hmm… you may be right.
(Panel 6.)
Deadpool: Maybe a little love will cure me.
Firelasher: Dream on, pal. That's another place you're in severe denial.
(Page 8, panel 1. Deadpool gets frustrated, and shows it.)
Deadpool: All right, Teri, what do you want to do?
(Panel 2. Firelasher thinks for a moment.)
Firelasher: Well, Wade, I think we should leave.
Deadpool: Teri, I already plunked down a lot of money here. We can't go back on that. How about something else?
(Panel 3. Firelasher thinks some more.)
Firelasher: All right, then if we can't leave, let's just relax here. I'm curious as to what's on television now.
(Panel 4. Deadpool turns on the television.)
Deadpool: All right, fine. Let's see what's on the tube.
(Panel 5. Deadpool sits down and Firelasher sits next to him.)
Deadpool: I guess we've been doing too much of what I've wanted to do of late.
Firelasher: Yea…
(Page 9, panel 1. They watch the television. On it is a blonde man in a suit and tie.)
Reporter: In other news, a 56 year old man has sued four of the major fast food restaurants for making him overweight and having heart attacks. *
Deadpool: Good luck on winning that one.
(Panel 2. Next door. There is a large, muscular male there. He has brown hair and eyes.
Along with is a tall buxom blonde woman. He is attired in a shirt and slacks. She is in a nice one-piece dress with a short skirt on it.)
Cap (N1): Meet the neighbors.
Cap (N2): And the source of Deadpool's troubles in a few minutes.
Cap (N3): His name is Martin Carpici, code name: Diamond Head.
Cap (N4): She is his wife Eileen, code name: Diamond Doll.
Diamond Head: See darling? We can go somewhere and spend a weekend without everything going wrong.
Diamond Doll: Yeah, I guess.
(Panel 3. Diamond Head holds hands with Diamond Doll.)
Diamond Head: You know, it's been ages since we went dancing. The hotel has a dance floor, let's go tonight.
Diamond Doll: Youse really know how to flatter a goil.
(Panel 4. Diamond Doll puts an arm around Diamond Head.)
Diamond Head: Well then, first dinner, then dancing.
Diamond Doll: Youse got it, darling.
(Page 10, panel 1. Deadpool and Firelasher are standing next to each other. Deadpool is in a hologram of a pleasant looking blonde haired, blue-eyed man clad in a polo shirt and slacks. Firelasher is in a hologram of herself minus all the scars, attired in a pleasant blouse and miniskirt.)
Cap (N): Shortly thereafter…
Deadpool: Well, I certainly would be honored if you would accompany me to dinner.
Firelasher: Well… I guess I could do that…
(Panel 2. Deadpool takes Firelasher's hand in his.)
Deadpool: Come on, Teri. I'll treat you right.
Firelasher: That worries me on so many levels, Wade.
(Panel 3. The flaming apparition appears again.)
Deadpool's apparition: Wait! Wait! Don't go out!
Deadpool: Look pal, stick around so I can ask you some questions here, all right? First of all, what is going on here?
(Panel 4. The apparition vanishes. Firelasher pulls away from Deadpool.)
Deadpool: Well, this is wonderful.
Firelasher: All right, Wade. I've had enough of this. I'm spending the rest of the weekend in the Deadtrailer.
(Panel 5. Deadpool tries his best to salvage the situation.)
Deadpool: Teri! How do we know that's me? Did you notice it didn’t stick around when I asked it what this was about? This could be some kind of trick.
(Panel 6. Deadpool starts to open the door.)
Deadpool: I say we just go on without changing anything.
(Page 11, panel 1. Deadpool opens the door and walks out. He bumps into Diamond Head, literally.)
Deadpool: There's nothing that could go wrong.
SFX: Bump.
(Panel 2. Deadpool spins around to see Diamond Head there.)
Deadpool (1): Uh-oh.
Diamond Head (very coldly): Wilson.
Deadpool (2): Diamond Head.
Firelasher: Not again.
(Panel 3. Diamond Head tries to strike Deadpool, but Deadpool narrowly avoids getting hit.)
Diamond Head: I owe you some serious pain, Wilson!
Firelasher: Wade, can't we go anywhere without running into an old enemy of yours?
(Panel 4. Diamond Head continues to try to strike at Deadpool, who continues to dodge Diamond Head's blows.)
Deadpool (1): Luck of the draw, I guess.
Deadpool (2): I don't suppose I could get some help here?
Firelasher: What's the story this time?
(Panel 5. Diamond Head continues to try to strike Deadpool. He ends up smashing a hole in the wall.)
Diamond Head: He cost me some serious money!
Deadpool: Come on, it wasn't my fault that the guy hired both of us. He never paid me either!
SFX: SKRUNCH!
(Panel 6. Deadpool dodges another blow by Diamond Head. Diamond Doll enters.)
Diamond Head: That's because you killed him!
Deadpool: Only after he double-crossed me!
Diamond Doll: Darling, what's wrong?
(Page 12, panel 1. Firelasher takes Diamond Doll aside. In the background, Deadpool and Diamond Head trade blows until otherwise noted.)
Firelasher: Don't mind them, they're just letting their raging testosterone fly. My name's Firelasher, what's yours?
Diamond Doll: Diamond Doll.
(Panel 2. Firelasher and Diamond Doll casually walk away from the scene.)
Diamond Doll: Tell me about it. Diamond Head's always trying to get me to make love to him.
Firelasher: Same with Deadpool and I.
(Panel 3. They continue to walk off.)
Firelasher: You know, I saw a really nice clothing store down the street. Let's go take a look at it.
Diamond Doll: Gawd, it's been too long since I went shopping. Let's go!
(Panel 4. Firelasher and Diamond Doll exit. Deadpool and Diamond Head stop fighting.)
Deadpool: Teri! What are you doing!?
Firelasher: I'll be back sometime.
(Panel 5. Deadpool and Diamond Head stare at each other, stunned. Panel 6. They break the silence.)
Deadpool: Raging hormones are we?
Diamond Head: You know, they're probably right.
(Page 13, panel 1. Diamond Head and Deadpool walk out of the room together.)
Diamond Head: We had some good times too. Let's catch some brews in the bar.
Deadpool: Great.
(Panel 2. Deadpool and Diamond Head walk off.)
Deadpool: We really had some great times, didn't we?
Diamond Head: Yea…
(Panel 3. Suddenly the Deadpool apparition appears again.)
Deadpool apparition: Beware! You will have a fate worse than death, Wade!
Deadpool: Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis?
(Panel 4.)
Deadpool apparition: They're coming for you, Wade – run while you can!
Deadpool: Where should I go?
(Panel 5. The apparition vanishes.)
Diamond Head: What was that all about?
Deadpool: Beats me, DH. It's been showing up but won't tell me what problems there will be.
(Page 14, panel 1. Later on, Diamond Doll and Firelasher are walking back to the hotel. Both of them have a couple of bags of clothing.)
Firelasher: Man, it's been forever since I had this good of a time.
Diamond Doll: I know what youse mean. Seems like all Diamond Head ever does is work and sex.
(Panel 2. They continue to walk to the hotel.)
Firelasher: Sounds like Wade to a T. So do you think they've realized how useless their fighting was?
Diamond Doll: Probably nout.
(Panel 3. They enter the hotel, passing by the front lobby.)
Firelasher: We really should do this again sometime.
Diamond Doll: Yeah. I haven't been this happy in years.
(Panel 4. They pass by the hotel bar, and see Deadpool and Diamond Head in there.)
Firelasher: Well, look at this.
Diamond Doll: Well, who'da thawt? Looks like they could control their testosterone after awl.
(Page 15, panel 1. Inside the bar, Deadpool and Diamond Head are talking. They have a couple of beers on the table in front of them. Deadpool wears a hologram of himself without the mottled flesh.)
Deadpool: My Teri is just like that. I don't ask her for sex every night, but if you talk to her, you'd think I did.
Diamond Head: Yea. Diamond Doll is always saying no to me.
(Panel 2. Firelasher and Diamond Doll approach Deadpool and Diamond Head.)
Firelasher: Well, nice to see you can control yourself for once.
Deadpool: Aw, come on, Teri. I'm not always that bad. You just think I am.
(Panel 3. Suddenly the flaming apparition of Deadpool appears again.)
Deadpool apparition: Wade! Run away! They're cooking up something terrible ahead! It's almost too late!
Deadpool (grimaces): Not again.
(Panel 4. The Deadpool apparition vanishes.)
Deadpool: I can't believe this one. Where do I go? What am I supposed to avoid?
Firelasher: Well, I think we should put this stuff up and join you two in a nice dinner.
Diamond Doll: Yeah, that sounds good.
(Panel 5. Deadpool smiles.)
Deadpool: Sure, why not.
(Page 16, panel 1. Later on, Deadpool, Firelasher, Diamond Head and Diamond Doll are sitting at a table for four. They have just finished dinner.)
Cap (N): Later on…
Diamond Head: Well Wade, it's been fun getting to see you again.
Deadpool: Yea. I know. It's been great with you too, Diamond Head.
(Panel 2. Deadpool and Firelasher exit the restaurant arm in arm.)
Cap (N): After paying the check…
Firelasher: Well, everything turned out fine. I think that apparition didn't know what it was talking about.
(Panel 3. Deadpool thinks for a little.)
Deadpool: You're right, Teri. This weekend has been pretty uneventful as weekends go for us. I really don't know why it got so worked up.
(Panel 4. Deadpool and Firelasher enter their hotel room.)
Deadpool: So what do you want to do now?
Firelasher: Well, there was this movie I wanted to see on the Oxygen channel tonight…
(Panel 5.)
Deadpool: Oxygen? I don't know about that one…
Firelasher: Oh, come on, Wade. It's going to be fun!
Voice (From off panel): Stop right there.
(Page 17, panel 1. Several people in suits and ties enter, and approach our heroes.)
Cap (N): Uh-oh. We're in trouble now.
Deadpool: Now what?
Man: Mr. Wade Wilson, we have to talk.
(Panel 2.)
Man: Because of executive decisions by Marvel Comics, we're changing everything about you.
Deadpool: WHAT!?
Firelasher: Why?
(Panel 3. An angry Deadpool gets face-to-face with the man in the suit and tie.)
Deadpool: My fans love me for me! Reinventing things has just gotten too damn silly now! I suppose I'm going to have to walk around wearing a tutu and singing Raffi songs now.
Man: Of course not, Mr. Wilson. However, we're changing your name and appearance.
(Panel 4. Suddenly Deadpool becomes Agent X.)
Agent X: What the hell!?
Man: You are now Alex Gentry, alias Agent X.
Firelasher: What are you talking about? Why change something good here?
(Panel 5.)
Man: That's a long, complicated issue. Alex, you're now free to go back where you were.
Agent X: So I get a makeover and Teri doesn't.
Man: This is a complicated issue, I told you. Teri doesn't need a makeover… yet. Well, have a nice day.
(Panel 6. The man exits.)
Agent X: Wonderful. Marvel gets cheap and I have to end up looking like some idiot that kids tried to play tic-tac-toe on.
(Page 18, panel 1. The flaming Deadpool apparition appears.)
Deadpool apparition: I warned you that something evil was coming.
Agent X: Well, it's not like I could have avoided this.
(Panel 2.)
Agent X: You know, you could have been a little more specific about what was about to happen.
Deadpool apparition: Well, I have no control over how I appear. Look, I'm sure this is just a temporary thing. Relax, Alex.
(Panel 3. Agent X rolls his eyes at the Deadpool apparition.)
Agent X: Yea right. Come on, this is Marvel. Once they get a bad idea in their furry little heads, they'll never get rid of it, no matter how bad it is.
Deadpool apparition: Well, good luck, whatever happens, I'll be around.
(Panel 4. The Deadpool apparition vanishes.)
Firelasher: Alex…?
Agent X: Let's get in the X-trailer. I just want to go to sleep right now.
--End--
* True story, no less.