Bulletproof: Date with Disaster

Hi. My name is Bulletproof. Well, at least that's what I want everyone to know me by, anyway. This is the tale of my second date with Übermodel. You probably know about the first one. Anyway, it happened one night when I picked her up at her place and we went to a restaurant outside of Complex City. It was a nice, quiet joint in the suburbs, someplace where she and I could talk… I dressed in a suit and tie over my costume and Übermodel was wearing a pleasant looking dress and a loose, short skirt. Everything was set up for a date with destiny.

That is, until they showed up.

They were the Cabal of villains with disgusting superpowers, There they were, the four of them. I had never heard of them before, but I wish I never had. Their leader was a tall man dressed in a silly costume. He wore a smiley face that was blowing a raspberry on his chest, and everyone called him Captain Flatulence. Flanking him on his left was his girlfriend, Halitosa. On his right were the Demon of Minor Inconveniences, and the one known as Ms. Mask. Halitosa was a perky little brunette babe (Since, after all, one of the top unwritten rules of comicbookdom is that all women be total babes) wearing a skin-tight spandex outfit. The Demon of Minor Inconveniences was your typical demon dressed in skin-tight spandex again. For some unfathomable reason, however, he wore his hair like the Big Boy. Ms. Mask wore an overcoat and full mask. Rumor had it nobody had ever seen Ms. Mask before, and lived to tell about it. "Bulletproof! At last we found you!" Captain Flatulence shouted. I tried to play it dumb. "Who's Bulletproof?" I asked. "Come on, BP, you are fooling NOBODY in that suit cheaper than Ebenezer Scrooge. At least get some fashions that are from this decade!" O.k., so maybe I shouldn't have put on a wide tie. With my cover blown, I had no choice but to fight them. Fortunately, Übermodel had my back.

Captain Flatulence was first, informing me before he attacked that he had the double burrito combo special over at Dortea's discount Mexican restaurant. He was primed and itching to get something out. I rushed toward him, but he was too fast for me. He passed enough gas to end the energy crisis for good. Damn, I hate it when a place I like gets ruined like that… His gas knocked me backed into the wall and made my eyes water, my nose close and my lungs were filled with one of the foulest odors I had ever smelled. Meanwhile, Übermodel was getting knocked down by Halitosa. Halitosa merely breathed into Übermodel's face; Her breath was so bad I could see it hit my girlfriend in the face. Übermodel staggered backwards, coughing all the way. I peeled myself off the wall and dove at Captain Flatulence. I managed to strike him once before he turned his gas power back on me again. This time he lit a lighter and sprayed me with noxious smelling flames. I went down like a rock. Before I passed out, I could see Übermodel getting hit with the Demon of Minor Inconveniences' power, getting a bad hair day while Halitosa was spraying her visually bad breath all over Übermodel. She didn't stand a chance against those types....

When I came to, I was in the hospital lying in a bed. Bulldog Malone was standing over me, wearing that rumpled coat he always does. "All right, proof, what happened?" He asked. I told him about the encounter with the Cabal of villains with disgusting superpowers. "Those clowns again. Geez, you're a magnet for the weirdos." Malone replied. "This coming from a 6 foot dog who sports a rumpled, unwashed coat and a revolver." I retorted. Malone, like Queen Victoria, was not amused by this. "Do yourself a favor, before you run into them again, drop by the supermarket." He then left.

I took Malone's advice and visited the supermarket. I bought a few items I thought I would need in case I met them again. Sure enough, when I came out of the store, Übermodel was there. "Hey, nice to see you again." She said.
"Übermodel... say, how about going out with me again? This time, no villains should get in our way..." She hesitated a bit. "Well, I don't know, BP. I mean, we've only had one date where things didn't end up in disaster, and that was when we were at your rat trap apartment..." I didn't know what to say at first, but quickly recovered. "Come on, it's not that bad. They sprayed the place for bugs just last week-" She cut me off in mid-sentence. "All right, I'll go out with you again. If nothing else, to stop you from whining about it." I broke a smile. "Thank you! Thank you!" I shouted. "Calm down, BP." She said. Well, we parted and I got several items I thought I'd need if I were to fight the Cabal of Villains with Disgusting Superman Powers. Sure enough, once I left the Supermarket, they were waiting for me in the parking lot. "We heard that you were here." Captain Flatulence said. "And we're ready for you." Well, so was I. I pulled out a straw and some of the things I needed. "You are hopelessly outclassed and outmatched, Bulletproof! We are the supreme Cabal of Villains with Disgusting -" I then shot a pill into is flapping mouth, which he swallowed. "URK!" He gasped. He then realized what had happened. "EGADS! I've been Beanoed!" He shouted. "My chronic flatulence! I'm depowered!" One quick jab to the jaw and he was down. Next Halitosa came at me. Another shot, this time of a breath mint into her mouth turned her breath from putrid and visible to clean and fresh. "AH! I've breath minted!" She shouted, her breath no longer visible. "You inhuman fiend!" She ran off, preventing me from breaking my code of not hitting a woman. Unfortunately, the Demon of Minor Inconveniences attacked me, and my in-helmet radio was blaring with loud static. I gritted my teeth and smacked him down. I knew he'd be the one who would give me the most trouble. Finally, Ms. Mask came up to me and took off her mask. I then held up a mirror to her, and covered my face. I didn't get a good look at her, but GOD WAS SHE UGLY! I don't want to terrify you with the horrific image that seeing her was. When I held the mirror up to her, the mirror shattered into hundreds of pieces, but not before giving Ms. Mask a full view of herself. She then fainted, and I was able to get her mask back on. The Cabal of Villains with Disgusting Superpowers was defeated.

That evening, I met Übermodel at a pleasant restaurant. We sat down and ordered a meal, and that's when the big problem came: Übermodel turned to me and said: "Say, BP, I'd really like to see what you look like beneath that mask of yours." Uh-oh. I'd have to tell her my secret. "Well, erm… it's not that I don't want to, but… it's just that… I can't." She folded her arms across her chest and looked at me as if I told her a boldface lie. "You can't remove your mask." She said, her disbelief coming in loud and clear. I was sweating bullets when I explained it to her. "Well, you see, in my first adventure, my mask kept flying off. So to correct this, I glued it to my face." Übermodel couldn't help but giggle like a giddy schoolgirl. "You are something else." She said between giggles. "And I suppose you didn't think to use glue that could be removed later, did you?" She asked. "Well, yea, but I couldn't find any, and there was this person in trouble..." She rolled her eyes at me. "I should have guessed something like this." After dinner we went out walking the streets of Complex City. I then spied Crazy Quilt standing on top of a building, looking at something else. This was our chance to get him. Unfortunately, by the time I flew up to where he was, he had vanished.

I think the worst thing about this week is that I never did get a kiss from Übermodel...

--End--