The Retail of Relationships
A
comparative look at relationships from the prospective of music retail.
by Steven F. Gallagher
I first came up with this idea when I was about 18 years
old. I first started working in
music retail at that time, and through the last 7 years I have realized that I
don’t know I damn bit about women. When
I was 18 I had a conversation with a co-worker how buying a CD is a lot like
finding a woman. This was all we
said at the time, but after my last bout of “relationship” issues this idea
came back to me. So, now my
children I’m going to share this bizarre little theory with the world. Now for the usual disclaimer, I am writing this simply as a
humorous little exercise to take up time off from work and possibly for my own
sick little form of therapy. Please
do not take offense to this, as it is intended to be tongue and cheek.
I’m also writing this from my own personal point of view.
It is going to be from a music point of view, and seeing I’m male it
will be from a male point of view. I’m
flat out warning you that this is going to be one sided.
I’d love for an opposing viewpoint piece to be written, but as this is
unlikely please don’t hold your breath. I
will also tell you that this will just be a general description to a possible
greater work. Now with that being
said lets begin.
This is the woman you most often come across. She is usually a good person, and makes for one hell of a friend. As far as a romantic relationship goes, its pretty much not in the cards. You may have a few interludes, but nothing serious will happen from it, which will usually make one of you bitter about the fact that anything happened at all. This can be compared to the CD that a company orders a lot of with the hopes that it will be a big hit. After several months of it collecting dust on the shelves the majority of them will be sent back to the distributor where it will sit in a warehouse. Do not give up hope for these CDs however. There is always someone who thinks it is something they can’t live without. It is usually the one that the store keeps on the shelf hoping that someone will eventually come and pick it up that stays there until it is so old that it winds up in the oldies section with a end in “classical”. This is the worst of all situations.
Category II:
The taken woman
This is a woman in a
relationship. She can be compared
to a CD that is currently out of print. It
is almost impossible to get your hands on at the time you want to.
This will stay off of the shelves until situations dictate that it is
time for it to go back on the active market.
So, patience is truly a virtue in this situation.
Please do not set your heart on getting this CD though because it is
always possible that the “owner” of the rights will decide to put this one
in the vault for their own use only.
Category
III: The married woman
This is the
trickiest of all categories. This
is a CD that has been put into the vault by the current “owner”. According to all copyright rules this CD should stay in the
vault, but sometimes it the artist will want to get it back into the racks.
This is usually a pipedream. When
the artist and the “owner” can no longer come to terms with their contract
the artist will usually back out of the deal.
This however still does not immediately put them back on the shelf that
it is dreaming of, as some consumers do not wish to buy a used product. At best it will find itself in the shelves of a used music
store hoping that someone will find it.
Category
IV: The divorced woman
Ok, I realize I just
painted a relatively gloomy picture for a woman who wants out of their marriage.
This is not always the case. There
are people out there who love to find the CD they can’t find anywhere else on
a used rack. I know one currently
owned CD out there that I would love to have in my collection.
I’m not usually one to break a copyright. I know how much of a hassle that truly is, but I’d be the
first in line if it came back on the market.
So, these CDs can still have a long and productive run in the player.
They have a character that you can’t find in the sterile nature of a
new CD. All they need to do is keep
hope alive, and know when the situation they’re in is not the one they want to
be in.
Category
V: The easy woman
We all know these
women, and as much as most of us would like to say we have no experience with
them its usually a lie. These are
your bargain racks. The CD’s with
the price that is too good to be true and usually is.
You know this CD. It has one
good song on it, and has the rest of the crap that people didn’t like when it
was originally released. This is
the R.E.O. Speedwagon and Bay City Rollers of women. They’re always around but no one usually brags about owning
it. As a matter of fact most of
your friends will ask you to burn them a copy when you’re done with it.
This CD is very popular with the college crowd.
The people who want to listen to music, but don’t want to put much
effort into getting it. When their
usefulness is over they usually wind up in the trash as not even a used store
has any need for them. They’d
have a million copies if they took them.
Category
VI: The ideal woman
The most elusive CD
you’ll ever purchase. This one
will take you a long time to find. You’ll
have to search several racks usually going home depressed in not finding it.
You may think you’ve found it, but it will usually turn out to be
average or damaged. You’ll be forced back into the stores after being sure the
last purchase was the one for you. This
will leave you very disillusioned with the whole “shopping” experience.
For a while you will be determined not to pick up any new music, but with
time that will pass and you’ll find yourself in very familiar shelves.
Listening to the music that people believe you should be interested in
looking for that one you’ve never been able to find.
Resolution
In the end my friends it is not the results of your many shopping trips that matters, it is the hope that somewhere out there is the album that you will never want to stop playing. So, while we all toil through the countless albums that entertain you for a couple months, or maybe even a couple years realize that all of these experiences make it possible for you to find out exactly what genre you are looking for. Cherish the songs that made you happy for a time. Whether it be a sappy ballad from a Disney movie or a one hit wonder that you are still fond of even though the situations around it still make you want to cry. These songs have brought you to where you are now. You are more appreciative of good music when you come across it. Whether it is a flashy song with no real message that you hear at a club or a song that will make you think about the lyrics for days we are all the better for hearing it. It makes us understand that we wouldn’t appreciate a new melody that strikes our ears if we hadn’t heard the music that has made us angry or sad. Even those songs that you can’t seem to let go no matter how you try. You need these memories, and one day it will make you smile. So please, go out. Try to find an album that means something to you. It can be a new album that catches your eye, or a used album that you always remember enjoying at another time that you can’t help but want to keep with you forever. May your shopping trips be productive, your title is out there somewhere.